1
00:00:04,187 --> 00:00:06,553
MlKE: I'm not gonna make it over tonight,
sweetie.

2
00:00:06,723 --> 00:00:09,089
Yeah, I gotta pull another double shift.

3
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,022
The snowstorm's left us shorthanded...

4
00:00:11,194 --> 00:00:14,960
...and somebody's gotta keep the city
from crumbling into anarchy and mob rule.

5
00:00:15,398 --> 00:00:16,695
Hand me the Pringles.

6
00:00:18,068 --> 00:00:19,968
No, no, the Ranch.

7
00:00:21,004 --> 00:00:24,235
I'll see you tomorrow
when I get off of work. I love you too.

8
00:00:24,507 --> 00:00:26,805
Poor thing. She really misses me.

9
00:00:26,976 --> 00:00:29,342
Life with a police officer
is a life of sacrifice.

10
00:00:29,512 --> 00:00:33,676
That's why I've chosen not to enter into
a relationship. It isn't fair to the woman.

11
00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:36,448
I see. Nothing to do
with her being unwilling...

12
00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:40,077
...to climb into your window
after your grandma falls asleep?

13
00:00:40,256 --> 00:00:42,451
If a woman's not willing
to shimmy up a pipe...

14
00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:46,356
...to get a little taste of Carl McMillan,
then she's too full of herself anyway.

15
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:50,455
You know what? If we're gonna be here
for a while, I'm gonna kick my shoes off.

16
00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,533
Nuh-uh. Leave those nasty things on.

17
00:00:52,702 --> 00:00:55,034
I don't wanna be breathing
your stanky foot funk.

18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:59,272
My socks got wet pushing that car out
of the ditch and I don't wanna catch a cold.

19
00:00:59,442 --> 00:01:01,307
You're gonna air them out
over the vents?

20
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,413
You might as well just stick your toes
in my nostrils.

21
00:01:05,281 --> 00:01:06,976
I told you to wear your galoshes.

22
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:10,176
I don't like the galoshes.
Compromise the dignity of the uniform.

23
00:01:10,353 --> 00:01:14,517
Right. Kind of like that big glob
of pickle relish you got on your badge.

24
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,953
It's salsa.

25
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:22,523
Regardless,
I'd prefer you leave your shoes on.

26
00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:25,224
Bad enough smelling your breath,
armpits and backside.

27
00:01:25,401 --> 00:01:28,700
Don't need to be adding the smell
of your feet and my vomit to the mix.

28
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:33,533
I hate to tell you, but after a double shift,
you're not a romp in a flowery meadow.

29
00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:37,009
Hey, every time we've stopped,
I've brushed my teeth, washed my face...

30
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:39,478
...and splashed on drops
of my signature scent.

31
00:01:39,649 --> 00:01:41,913
Yeah,
let's talk about your signature scent.

32
00:01:42,085 --> 00:01:43,143
What is it, exactly?

33
00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,981
Because it smells like the inside
of a hamster cage.

34
00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:47,646
That's the cedar bark.

35
00:01:47,824 --> 00:01:50,884
It also contains sandalwood, clove
and a hint of jasmine.

36
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:53,358
But those aromatic subtleties
are lost on a man...

37
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:56,090
...who has two blocks of Parmesan cheese
for feet.

38
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,864
Fine. Let's stop at a drugstore
and I'll buy some new socks.

39
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:02,061
You need to buy some new feet.

40
00:02:02,238 --> 00:02:04,365
Know what? Screw it.
The shoes are coming off.

41
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,838
I'm opening all the windows.

42
00:02:06,009 --> 00:02:08,443
Fine. It's 10 below.
We'll both just freeze to death.

43
00:02:08,611 --> 00:02:11,842
I'd rather freeze than die
from a bad case of Parmesan-foot lung.

44
00:02:12,015 --> 00:02:13,642
Hey, whatever. Doesn't bother me.

45
00:02:13,817 --> 00:02:15,751
-Doesn't bother me.
-Hey, I like the cold.

46
00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:17,682
-Turn on the air conditioner.
-Don't think I won't.

47
00:02:17,854 --> 00:02:19,822
-Do it.
-I'm gonna.

48
00:02:39,475 --> 00:02:41,466
[KNOCKlNG]

49
00:02:46,449 --> 00:02:48,644
What are you doing?
It's 10 below out here.

50
00:02:48,818 --> 00:02:52,185
Well, it's 4:59 in here
and we don't open until 5.

51
00:02:54,157 --> 00:02:55,988
We have a battering ram in the car.

52
00:02:56,159 --> 00:02:59,322
And I've got French toast in the back,
so play nice.

53
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,088
[KNOCKlNG]

54
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,701
[KNOCKlNG]

55
00:03:11,507 --> 00:03:13,441
Come on.

56
00:03:15,078 --> 00:03:16,443
[GRUNTS]

57
00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:18,874
[KNOCKlNG]

58
00:03:27,991 --> 00:03:30,289
[CARL AND MlKE SlGH]

59
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,190
Morning, gentlemen.
Do you have a reservation?

60
00:03:36,599 --> 00:03:38,191
-I don't wanna sit here.
-Why not?

61
00:03:38,368 --> 00:03:40,029
Close to the door. I prefer a booth.

62
00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:42,694
Fine. We'll do whatever you want.
Like we always do.

63
00:03:42,872 --> 00:03:44,396
Really? We always do what I want?

64
00:03:44,574 --> 00:03:47,475
That's why we gotta listen
to bluegrass music every night?

65
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,544
It's not bluegrass, it's roots music.

66
00:03:49,712 --> 00:03:51,737
Ain't my roots.

67
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:55,644
Just a bunch of hillbillies with banjos
complaining about the train being late.

68
00:03:56,953 --> 00:03:58,511
[SlNGlNG] Where's that train?
She's on that train

69
00:03:58,688 --> 00:04:01,054
I missed that train
Train, train, train

70
00:04:02,125 --> 00:04:04,559
If you don't like my music,
get another ride to work.

71
00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:06,058
It wasn't my idea to carpool.

72
00:04:06,229 --> 00:04:08,697
It would save money
with both of us paying for gas.

73
00:04:08,865 --> 00:04:11,390
And it would,
if we were both actually paying for gas.

74
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:14,798
Unfortunately, your wallet and pants
are like Superman and Clark Kent.

75
00:04:14,971 --> 00:04:18,270
Never in the same place
at the same time.

76
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,602
I'm not gonna apologize for being frugal.

77
00:04:21,778 --> 00:04:25,771
Frugal? You live rent free at your grandma's
house and she even cuts your hair.

78
00:04:25,949 --> 00:04:28,611
Cutting my hair
brings that old woman a lot of joy.

79
00:04:28,785 --> 00:04:32,778
Nana cuts the straightest lines in town. I'd
be a fool to bring my business elsewhere.

80
00:04:32,956 --> 00:04:36,517
Don't you think it's a little weird,
a grown man living with his grandmother?

81
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:39,253
-I don't live with her, she lives with me.
-Her house.

82
00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:42,330
Yes, which I'll inherit when she dies.

83
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:48,430
As long as we're asking tough questions, let
me ask you something. How are you so--?

84
00:04:48,604 --> 00:04:50,367
Fat? Is that what you wanna know?

85
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,098
No, I was gonna say "bullheaded."

86
00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:55,335
I spend all day in the car with you,
I know why you're so fat.

87
00:04:58,247 --> 00:05:01,216
Just because I'm overweight,
you think you're better than me.

88
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,852
Not at everything,
foot racing, swimming, climbing...

89
00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:06,215
...getting in the car,
getting out of the car...

90
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,880
...picking up a quarter,
pushing a plate away.

91
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:11,989
That's it. I'm switching tables.

92
00:05:12,161 --> 00:05:15,221
Oh, and deny me your witty conversation
and brilliant repartee?

93
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:18,128
-I'm done talking to you.
-I was done talking to you first.

94
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:20,231
You always gotta get the last word in?

95
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,963
Sure as hell
not gonna get the last doughnut.

96
00:05:26,943 --> 00:05:30,902
Oh, good.
Spread the crappy tip over two tables.

97
00:05:36,386 --> 00:05:39,048
I hope the lasagna's okay.
It's all fat-free.

98
00:05:39,222 --> 00:05:41,190
I used three different types of cheeses...

99
00:05:41,357 --> 00:05:44,451
...and diced up fresh tomatoes and garlic
for the sauce.

100
00:05:44,727 --> 00:05:45,751
It's fine.

101
00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:51,188
Well, that's what I was shooting for.
"Fine."

102
00:05:51,901 --> 00:05:57,339
Last chance to throw in "and dandy"
just to keep a girl from hanging herself.

103
00:05:58,041 --> 00:06:02,068
What? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. It's great
and I appreciate you going to all the trouble.

104
00:06:02,245 --> 00:06:04,372
Well, you've been working really hard
lately.

105
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,342
Do criminals actually venture out
in this kind of weather?

106
00:06:07,517 --> 00:06:10,452
Not really. Today was mostly
assisting stranded motorists...

107
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,851
...and helping an old lady
chip her frozen cat out of a tree.

108
00:06:14,424 --> 00:06:16,949
Oh, my God,
please tell me that didn't actually happen.

109
00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:19,560
Wish I could.
We ended up sawing off the branch...

110
00:06:19,729 --> 00:06:21,890
...and leaving it on her porch.

111
00:06:23,533 --> 00:06:27,731
I, for one, appreciate the fact that there are
brave men like you out there protecting us.

112
00:06:27,904 --> 00:06:30,839
The real challenge is being stuck in a car
with Carl all day.

113
00:06:31,007 --> 00:06:34,272
He's always pushing my buttons,
picking away, trying to get my goat.

114
00:06:34,444 --> 00:06:36,071
Pick, pick, pick.

115
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:41,746
Well, the important thing is you're here now
and we're together.

116
00:06:49,358 --> 00:06:53,226
Hey, I had quite the adventure myself today.
We got this new vice principal--

117
00:06:53,396 --> 00:06:55,557
Know what Carl
was giving me a hard time about?

118
00:06:55,731 --> 00:06:56,755
I don't.

119
00:06:56,933 --> 00:06:58,059
My feet.

120
00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,202
He said my feet smell like cheese.

121
00:07:00,369 --> 00:07:02,166
Parmesan.

122
00:07:05,575 --> 00:07:07,770
Yeah. But they don't, do they?

123
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:12,847
No.

124
00:07:13,049 --> 00:07:14,846
God, no.

125
00:07:16,052 --> 00:07:19,920
I don't know how much longer I can put up
with him. He's starting to drive me crazy.

126
00:07:20,089 --> 00:07:23,081
I understand. But when you start
to feel yourself getting mad...

127
00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:26,126
...just remember
that he's tired and overworked...

128
00:07:26,295 --> 00:07:28,422
...and probably just needs somebody
to vent to.

129
00:07:28,598 --> 00:07:29,997
So do l, but I choose not to.

130
00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:31,758
I suffer in silence.

131
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:34,763
True.

132
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,300
If it gets too bad,
you've the option of venting to me.

133
00:07:39,642 --> 00:07:43,078
Oh, I would never do that.
Our time together is precious.

134
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:49,113
Well, Carl's not the stoic rock
that you are, sweetie.

135
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,654
And he doesn't have a regular girlfriend.

136
00:07:52,822 --> 00:07:56,451
I know, I'm all he's got. Poor little loser.

137
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,252
Be patient with him.

138
00:07:58,427 --> 00:08:00,224
And be the bigger man.

139
00:08:00,496 --> 00:08:04,159
And when he starts to drive you crazy,
just take a deep breath...

140
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:07,928
...and try and remember
that you love him.

141
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,629
It's not gonna be easy.

142
00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:11,830
Trust me, it's not.

143
00:08:14,277 --> 00:08:19,510
Now, is there anything I can do to take care
of my big, strong, hardworking man?

144
00:08:19,682 --> 00:08:22,515
Boy, after dinner I'd sure love a foot rub.

145
00:08:26,989 --> 00:08:29,184
Oh, come on.

146
00:08:29,358 --> 00:08:31,155
You can do better than that.

147
00:08:33,663 --> 00:08:36,598
I said, anything.

148
00:08:37,233 --> 00:08:39,292
Please.

149
00:08:43,706 --> 00:08:47,972
Just remember, if you do start to slide,
don't panic and just turn into the skid.

150
00:08:48,144 --> 00:08:50,442
Carl,
I know how to operate a motor vehicle.

151
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,081
Mm-hm. You scored a 62
on your police driver's test.

152
00:08:53,249 --> 00:08:55,114
Give me a break,
I knocked down one cone.

153
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,184
Could have been an old lady or a baby.

154
00:08:57,353 --> 00:09:00,789
How many babies you see just laying
in the middle of the road?

155
00:09:01,390 --> 00:09:03,483
One is all it takes.

156
00:09:04,026 --> 00:09:05,789
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]

157
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,896
Not supposed to talk on your cell phone.

158
00:09:08,064 --> 00:09:09,224
I'll keep it short, okay?

159
00:09:09,398 --> 00:09:11,992
Doesn't matter.
Against the law in the city of Chicago.

160
00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:14,466
Uh-huh. So is murder.

161
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,865
Hey, sweetie.

162
00:09:16,038 --> 00:09:17,938
Just being with you
makes me an accessory.

163
00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:20,667
Oh, yeah, that'll be great.

164
00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:22,640
Sounds like fun.

165
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:26,509
Very thoughtful,
I could use a little break.

166
00:09:26,682 --> 00:09:27,808
I love you too.

167
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,679
I'll see you tonight.

168
00:09:30,019 --> 00:09:32,886
What are you talking about?
I signed us up for double shift.

169
00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:36,684
I can't do it. Molly wants to take me
to The Drake Hotel for a little getaway.

170
00:09:36,859 --> 00:09:38,087
Tell her you can't go.

171
00:09:38,261 --> 00:09:42,288
I can't call her back.
It's against the law in the city of Chicago.

172
00:09:42,765 --> 00:09:45,666
Double golden time. Don't turn your back
on that kind of money.

173
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,668
I'm sorry. Unlike you, I'm not ruled
by the almighty dollar.

174
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,567
Ruled by the almighty girlfriend.

175
00:09:50,740 --> 00:09:53,004
Hey, I do what I want.
She's not the boss of me.

176
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:56,144
-Watch the road.
-I am. Uh-oh.

177
00:09:56,312 --> 00:09:58,246
Turn into it.

178
00:09:58,581 --> 00:09:59,605
Turn into it.

179
00:09:59,782 --> 00:10:01,511
Don't tell me how to drive.

180
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,413
What are you doing?

181
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,145
[BOTH SCREAMlNG]

182
00:10:06,322 --> 00:10:07,346
[CRASHlNG]

183
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,892
"Hey, Carl.
Why don't you let me drive today?

184
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:23,038
That way you can relax a little."

185
00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:25,503
You distracted the driver of the vehicle.

186
00:10:25,675 --> 00:10:28,610
We were having a conversation.
I didn't throw a snake at you.

187
00:10:28,778 --> 00:10:31,440
Why don't you just admit
that you're a crappy driver?

188
00:10:31,614 --> 00:10:35,243
I'm not gonna let you get to me today, Carl.
Because I'm the bigger man here.

189
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,352
You're the bigger man everywhere.

190
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,011
You notice the car didn't tip over
on my side.

191
00:10:40,189 --> 00:10:43,454
Okay, you need to vent, go ahead.
But it's not gonna change the fact...

192
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:46,561
-...that you're a loser and need a life.
-Who you calling loser?

193
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:50,665
Molly was right. You're lonely, don't have
a girlfriend, you dump your crap on me.

194
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:52,926
Now you're bad-mouthing me
to your girlfriend.

195
00:10:53,102 --> 00:10:56,970
That's what you do
when you're in a healthy relationship.

196
00:10:57,306 --> 00:10:59,672
You wouldn't know that
because I'm all you've got.

197
00:10:59,842 --> 00:11:01,969
And this is not healthy.

198
00:11:02,345 --> 00:11:04,609
You know what? To hell with you.
I'm out of here.

199
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:07,507
Man, get off of me!

200
00:11:07,683 --> 00:11:09,913
I wouldn't
if you didn't put the car in a ditch.

201
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,316
-Shut up!
-You shut up!

202
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:20,785
Boy, I hope he's okay.

203
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,962
What time was he supposed
to pick you up?

204
00:11:23,132 --> 00:11:24,156
About an hour ago.

205
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,664
Did you try calling him?

206
00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:26,893
Just getting voicemail.

207
00:11:27,069 --> 00:11:30,004
Can't listen to "The Devil Went Down
to Georgia" one more time.

208
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:35,441
Maybe he's late because he had
to stop a bank heist or defuse a bomb.

209
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:39,414
I dated a cop once.
It happened to him all the time.

210
00:11:39,582 --> 00:11:42,016
And it was weird
because he was a mall cop.

211
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,749
It was weird, but I think we're straying
from the topic at hand.

212
00:11:47,923 --> 00:11:49,447
We had a topic?

213
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:51,855
Good for us.

214
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:56,195
I just hope this little weekend getaway,
you know, helps relax him.

215
00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:58,162
He's been so stressed out lately.

216
00:11:58,334 --> 00:12:01,269
And he just comes home and eats
and dumps his day on me.

217
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,162
Vince does that to me constantly.

218
00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:05,466
How do you deal with it?

219
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:09,634
Well, I try to remember
that men are ruled by testosterone...

220
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,474
...which is essentially a poison.

221
00:12:13,516 --> 00:12:14,540
Uh-huh.

222
00:12:14,717 --> 00:12:18,175
So when you get that big, loud mouth
jabbering in your face...

223
00:12:18,354 --> 00:12:23,587
...you just say to yourself,
"This is a sick individual.

224
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:27,587
He is suffering from semen brain."

225
00:12:29,632 --> 00:12:30,758
[DOORBELL RlNGS]

226
00:12:30,933 --> 00:12:34,528
Oh, Mom, I don't know what I'd do
without your folksy wisdom.

227
00:12:37,139 --> 00:12:38,902
Oh, my God. Mike, what happened?

228
00:12:39,074 --> 00:12:42,669
I had a little car accident. It's nothing.
Paramedics made me wear this thing.

229
00:12:43,245 --> 00:12:45,509
Do you have whiplash?
That can be pretty serious.

230
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:49,811
No, nothing like that. Carl stepped
on my neck climbing out of the car.

231
00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:58,789
Oh, look, they have a spa here.

232
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:01,191
Wouldn't it be fun
to get a couple's massage?

233
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:04,855
Hot oil, scented candles, romantic music.

234
00:13:05,668 --> 00:13:06,692
Eh.

235
00:13:08,437 --> 00:13:09,529
What do you mean: "Eh."

236
00:13:09,805 --> 00:13:12,933
I don't like strangers touching me.
Laying naked on a table...

237
00:13:13,108 --> 00:13:16,874
...while some Ukrainian guy uses my ass
as a speed bag.

238
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:21,872
Okay. That's not how they describe it
in the brochure.

239
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:25,043
He is never gonna let me forget
putting that car in the ditch.

240
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,848
I hear him, "You're a lousy driver.

241
00:13:27,022 --> 00:13:29,217
You knocked down the cone.
You killed the baby."

242
00:13:31,026 --> 00:13:33,517
A 62 is still a very respectable score.

243
00:13:33,696 --> 00:13:35,721
Why don't we forget about Carl
for tonight?

244
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:39,459
I'm sure Monday morning, everything
will be back to normal between you guys.

245
00:13:39,635 --> 00:13:42,001
In the tow truck
he said he wanted a new partner.

246
00:13:42,171 --> 00:13:44,799
And you know what? Fine by me.
Good riddance.

247
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,373
Why don't you call him and settle this?
You'll feel better when you do.

248
00:13:48,544 --> 00:13:51,138
And let him think
that he's ruining our romantic getaway?

249
00:13:51,313 --> 00:13:54,214
Huh-uh.
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

250
00:13:55,150 --> 00:13:57,641
Yeah, but he kind of is.

251
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,320
Oh, no, he's not.
I'm gonna take a nice, hot shower.

252
00:14:00,489 --> 00:14:02,616
And I'm gonna make sweet love
to my girlfriend.

253
00:14:02,791 --> 00:14:05,089
Something Carl can't do
because Carl doesn't have a girlfriend.

254
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,853
Carl's a loser and I'm a winner.

255
00:14:07,029 --> 00:14:11,261
So drop your drawers, assume the position
and get ready to make love to a winner!

256
00:14:19,675 --> 00:14:22,439
Get ready to make love to a pillow.

257
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,643
[THUMPlNG NOlSES]

258
00:14:28,817 --> 00:14:32,218
Carlton, you keep slamming doors
and stomping around...

259
00:14:32,388 --> 00:14:36,791
...and I'm coming up there with my
King James Bible and a whipping belt.

260
00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,218
[DOORBELL RlNGS]

261
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:45,457
Lord, give me patience
or an untraceable handgun.

262
00:14:47,836 --> 00:14:50,896
-Hi, I'm not sure if you remember--
-You're Michael's lady friend.

263
00:14:51,073 --> 00:14:53,974
-Yeah, Molly.
-Of course. Come on in, baby.

264
00:14:55,244 --> 00:14:59,044
Oh, don't tell me those two idiots
dragged you into this childishness.

265
00:14:59,214 --> 00:15:02,877
Any idea what they're fighting about?
Because Mike's not making any sense.

266
00:15:03,052 --> 00:15:06,647
Well, whatever it is,
I guarantee you it's stupid.

267
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:07,846
Sit down.

268
00:15:08,424 --> 00:15:10,415
Last time they had a big fight like this...

269
00:15:10,593 --> 00:15:14,393
...it was over Popeyes Chicken
versus Kentucky Fried.

270
00:15:14,863 --> 00:15:16,194
-Really?
-Mm-hm.

271
00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:19,459
And that one could only be resolved
with a blind taste test.

272
00:15:19,635 --> 00:15:21,569
Then after all that mess...

273
00:15:21,737 --> 00:15:25,138
...they both ended up
choosing the other one's chicken.

274
00:15:25,641 --> 00:15:27,734
How often do they have fights like this?

275
00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:29,309
A couple times a year.

276
00:15:29,478 --> 00:15:31,810
Usually during a cold snap
or a heat wave.

277
00:15:31,981 --> 00:15:34,541
They stay cooped up
in that squad car too long...

278
00:15:34,717 --> 00:15:38,483
...they start going at each other
like two monkeys having a poop fight.

279
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:43,548
What's going on down here?

280
00:15:43,726 --> 00:15:48,026
Like he wasn't sitting on the top step
listening to every word.

281
00:15:48,297 --> 00:15:50,561
-Hey, Carl.
-Look, if you're here to apologize...

282
00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:53,600
-...for your boyfriend, I'm not interested.
-Not why I'm here.

283
00:15:53,769 --> 00:15:57,535
Man said some very hurtful things.
Malicious things. Insinuating that I'm cheap.

284
00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:01,574
Cheap? Boy wears his underwear
until it disintegrates.

285
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:07,180
Like trying to wash cobwebs.

286
00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:13,118
Look, all I know is I'm trying
to have a romantic weekend with Mike...

287
00:16:13,288 --> 00:16:14,949
...and all he can talk about is you.

288
00:16:15,991 --> 00:16:17,458
Really?

289
00:16:17,926 --> 00:16:21,225
Is that a source of pride for you,
you masturbating knucklehead?

290
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:29,261
Boy's so cheap he's got magazines
dating back to pubic hair.

291
00:16:29,938 --> 00:16:35,103
Okay, well,
let's not open that can of worms, but....

292
00:16:35,277 --> 00:16:40,044
Look, I was just hoping that
you guys could, you know, work this out.

293
00:16:40,215 --> 00:16:41,239
You heard her.

294
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:44,614
Pick up the phone right now
and put an end to this mess.

295
00:16:44,787 --> 00:16:47,585
Just because he has a girlfriend
I'm the one to apologize?

296
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:50,816
No, you're gonna apologize
because it's the Christian thing to do.

297
00:16:50,993 --> 00:16:53,120
And if you don't,
I'm gonna part your behind...

298
00:16:53,295 --> 00:16:56,230
...Iike it's the Red Sea
and my foot is Moses.

299
00:16:59,902 --> 00:17:02,598
You know what?
I don't have to stand here and take this.

300
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,104
All right, sit down if you want,
because I'm just warming up.

301
00:17:06,408 --> 00:17:08,069
[LAUGHS]

302
00:17:12,648 --> 00:17:15,116
A man should be treated with respect
in his own house.

303
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:18,253
Well, if you ever get one
and I'm ever in it, I'll do that.

304
00:17:22,524 --> 00:17:26,324
You have somewhere you need to get to,
or would you like to have a cup of tea?

305
00:17:27,596 --> 00:17:28,927
I'd love a cup of tea.

306
00:17:29,098 --> 00:17:31,157
-All right, coming right up.
-Mm-hm.

307
00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:33,797
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

308
00:17:34,036 --> 00:17:35,731
Molly?

309
00:17:36,238 --> 00:17:38,138
Where you been?
Did you forget your key?

310
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,241
Ugh.

311
00:17:42,244 --> 00:17:44,872
Sending your girlfriend
to fight your fights for you now?

312
00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:46,605
What? Molly went to your house?

313
00:17:46,782 --> 00:17:49,478
Don't act surprised. It belittles us both.

314
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,710
I had no idea
she was gonna go over there.

315
00:17:51,887 --> 00:17:56,119
We used to settle our quarrels man-to-man,
face-to-face, with the occasional taste test.

316
00:17:56,291 --> 00:18:01,228
But none of this sending a woman over
singing sad songs of erectile dysfunction.

317
00:18:01,864 --> 00:18:03,456
-She didn't do that.
-Yes, she did.

318
00:18:03,632 --> 00:18:07,193
Hey, as soon as I got out of the shower
I was gonna give it to her good.

319
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,736
I'm telling you what she said.

320
00:18:09,905 --> 00:18:13,705
That you couldn't perform your manly duties
because you were thinking about me.

321
00:18:13,876 --> 00:18:17,368
I sent Molly to tell you and your grandma
that I couldn't deliver the mail?

322
00:18:17,546 --> 00:18:19,514
Does that sound like a good plan to you?

323
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:23,341
That's why I came to discuss it.
I thought it was ill-advised.

324
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,510
Man, I don't know
what's in her head lately.

325
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:30,556
I mean, I know she's been missing me,
but I had no idea she'd go rogue.

326
00:18:32,594 --> 00:18:34,858
We should probably minimize
these double shifts...

327
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,294
...so she doesn't go completely
off the deep end.

328
00:18:37,466 --> 00:18:39,331
I'm sorry if she upset you.

329
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:45,666
It was just startling more than anything.

330
00:18:46,608 --> 00:18:48,041
Man, this room is nice.

331
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:52,806
Yeah, there's a Jacuzzi tub,
a phone and a TV in the crapper.

332
00:18:53,081 --> 00:18:54,105
Mini bar?

333
00:18:54,283 --> 00:18:57,218
Fully stocked. Except for the peanut M&M's
and Toblerone.

334
00:18:57,486 --> 00:18:59,351
Oh, man, St. Pauli Girl.

335
00:18:59,521 --> 00:19:02,183
Grab two.
We'll watch the new Russell Crowe movie.

336
00:19:02,357 --> 00:19:04,222
I can't remember the last time
we went to a movie together.

337
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,293
I do. It was Avatar.

338
00:19:06,461 --> 00:19:09,328
I paid
because you left your wallet at home.

339
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:13,030
-All right, I'll give you the money right now.
-Forget it, it's my treat.

340
00:19:13,202 --> 00:19:14,260
[CARL SlGHS]

341
00:19:14,436 --> 00:19:16,529
Hey, look,
we could get a couple's massage.

342
00:19:16,705 --> 00:19:18,002
Hot oil, scented candles--

343
00:19:18,173 --> 00:19:19,800
We could also adopt a Chinese baby.

344
00:19:19,975 --> 00:19:22,967
Let's start with the movie
and see where it goes.

345
00:19:29,785 --> 00:19:32,083
[DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER TV]

346
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:36,213
This is nice. Next time I get a regular
girlfriend, I'm gonna bring her here.

347
00:19:36,391 --> 00:19:40,350
You should. These little getaways
are important for a relationship.

348
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:48,066
Oh. Carl, you're here.

349
00:19:48,804 --> 00:19:49,930
Looks like you made up.

350
00:19:50,739 --> 00:19:53,765
Maybe a little more
than I'm comfortable with.

351
00:19:53,976 --> 00:19:57,343
No, we were just watching a movie.
You wanna join us? We can scooch over.

352
00:19:57,512 --> 00:19:58,911
No, you boys enjoy yourselves.

353
00:19:59,081 --> 00:20:01,072
I'm gonna take a hot shower...

354
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:06,711
...and by the time I get out,
I want this side of the bed to be empty.

355
00:20:09,358 --> 00:20:10,757
Got it.

356
00:20:10,926 --> 00:20:14,191
-You landed a good one there, man.
-Yeah, she's a sweetheart.

357
00:20:14,363 --> 00:20:18,800
The second you hear that water turn off,
you better have your ass in the elevator.

358
00:20:45,961 --> 00:20:47,952
[English - US - SDH]