I hate you, I hate everyone. Pass me my fat pants and bugger off!
Women, eh? Can't live with em.
No. It's SHOULDN'T live with them. It's in the Bible.
♪ Femispray! Open your legs and say, "wahey"! ♪
DK, you...are a hero.
I am, aren't I? Balamory!
For God's sake! This relationship was a mistake!
Fine! Let's split up.
LAUGHTER
♪ All we wanna do is Oh!
♪ All we wanna do is, oh
♪ Love me! Love me!
♪ All we wanna do is Oh!
♪ All we wanna do is, oh
♪ All we wanna do is Ya ya yahee ya. ♪
Ah, Mr Karrimor.
All right, biatch.
Yesterday, you delved into Mr De Wilde's sports bag and replaced his shampoo with Sun In.
Yeah, I know...
Oh! Oh, my God!
I look Scottish!
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Allreet, laddeh!
You!
Little shit!
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
LAUGHTER
Hi, girls. Hi.
Good luck. Win, girls, win!
Oh, God!
What are you going to do then, biatch?
I'm going to make you join the litter-picking campaign.
The litter-picking campaign?
You're going to be picking up litter every break time until you learn to behave.
Couldn't you just stop giving me blow jobs instead?
Get out, you little prick!
Well, I must say I'm very excited.
It's New Glasses Day.
It comes but once a year!
That reminds me of the old Welsh poem,
"Let's all go to the optician...
"before we go, let's have a sandwich".
LAUGHTER
It's better in its native tongue.
I do enjoy getting my hands on a lovely pair.
I bet you do, you cheeky minx!
Ooh, you flirt!
Haha, somebody stop me!
Who wants to stop you?
Oh, for God's sake!
Why don't you just get your boobs out and rub them in each other's faces?!
No, really.
Why don't you just get your boobs out and rub them in each other's faces?
I'm game if you are.
Hahaha. Too far!
I suppose I'd better be off too.
I have a very special visitor today.
Awww. Have you finally got your period?
Ha! No. It's my Auntie Olwen. My dad's sister.
You never mentioned Auntie Olwen.
I must have, she's my favourite auntie...
after Auntie Freeze and Auntie Disestablishmentarianism.
Hahaha! Yeah, yeah.
I thought I met all your family at your dad's funeral.
Oh, she didn't go. Terrible hangover.
Well...am I not special enough to meet this legendary Auntie Olwen?
Oh, Jas, don't be sad. It's just...
she's a bit much for the likes of you.
She's got 'tude.
Plus you'd have to have a pretty dark sense of humour to know how to take her.
I've got 'tude.
And I laughed when they cancelled Last of the Summer Wine.
Like this, "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha. Ha."
God, Jas, she's not that dark.
Introduce me to her, at once!
OK. But prepare to be decimated.
Yeah, I am, and I'll decimate her right back.
And then I'll decimate you.
Then I'll buy a dictionary and find out what "decimate" actually means.
I think it's something to do with coconuts.
LAUGHTER
Wahey, Matty Monster.
You all right, bro? No.
I've split up with Chloe.
What, you mean...Ginger Nips?
Yeah. That's all right. You can hang with us.
We heard all the stories about how hardcore you are.
Really? Damn straight. Remember that time you deliberately trashed the English classroom?
My bag!
Ow!
I have a pencil up my arse.
2B or not 2B?
Hahahahaha... Ow!
You are hardcore.
Yeah. I am, aren't I?
But you see, to be in our gang, you have to go through an initiation ceremony. Blessings.
Wow. That sounds solemn.
Oh, it is, my son. It is.
So meet me, Gladys, Hilda and the rest in the cafeteria at lunchtime and we'll get the ball rolling.
Ball rolling doesn't sound too difficult.
You crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.
Laters, Mattalan. Laters.
LAUGHTER
Hmm. Cafeteria, lunchtime.
Let me make a note of that.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
What's that?
Balamory!
Oh!
Ooh!
Chloe, what you did to poor Oliver was not impressive at all.
You mean I should have stabbed him or throttled him or...
No. I do not approve of violence.
Except in Looney Tunes, when it's hilarious.
I'm sorry. I'm just really angry, Herr Principal.
I think helping a cause might assuage your rage.
Ooh, rhyme.
Is the cause you had in mind "taking revenge on Matt"?
Bludgeon, bludgeon, bludgeon?
No.
It's the litter-picking campaign.
There's a litter-picking campaign?
What can I say, I'm a litter bug!
CAT YOWLS
Somebody pick that up!
I love being the Principal.
All right, sweetheart? Want to see my gleaming weapon?
How many times do I have to tell you, DK? Lesbian!
No, I mean...
My new glasses! Look what you've done!
Did someone say, "Look at my gun"? Agh!
CRUNCHING GLASS
DK!
I can't see.
Sorry, love. Come on, let's get you to the opticians.
Oh, now you're blind, would you shag me?
Lesbian!
THUD!
Ow!
LAUGHTER
All right, peeps.
Ooh! Ooh, what have we got here?!
Oh, oh, ooh! Ahh...
there it is!
Oh, my God! It's a gun!
Well done, mate. Here, have an eye hump.
Ah! Ah, yeah!
Get off!
DK, where the hell did you get that?
Found it when I was litter picking. It's brilliant.
I feel like a proper rapper now.
Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in da house, wiki wiki wa wa braaaaaaap!
HE RAPS: Listen up dollies, I got something to say,
DK's in town and he's ready to play,
I know you ain't bothered by dinner or flowers,
Chicks like you like seductive powers,
But don't worry darlings, I always deliver,
What I have in my pants'll make you shiver,
So why not have a feel of my six-barrel shooter,
And if you ask nicely, I'll take you up the pooper.
Balamory!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
You don't understand, DK, you've got to get rid of that.
You might hurt someone!
But guns are quite the status symbol in the hood.
Yes, but we're not in the hood. We're in Abingdon.
Less of a hood, more of a...snood.
They have them in Westerns with all the tough cowboys that have to shave more than twice a year.
Reach for the skies! Oh, my God!
Jas, will you tell him?
DK, Ollie's right. Guns are evil, dangerous things.
Like Paul Daniels.
Are you really not impressed by my pistola?
No! No!
What am I supposed to do with it?
I can't take it home. Not with Rapunzel in the house.
Rapunzel?
It's what Mum's been insisting that I call her since they doubled her dosage.
Only instead of letting her hair down, she just eats it.
Bury it, bin it, or chuck it in the river.
No-one will find it there amongst the bits of Chloe's relatives.
Yeah, all right, peeps. And thanks.
Laters, fellaters.
Oh, hello, young man.
All right, sweetheart. Got a gun in my pants.
Oh, I bet you have!
Ah! Ah!
Feels more like a fig roll to me.
Here she is! She's hilarious! Oh, is that you, Ollie?!
Let's have a look at you, you ugly shit.
Auntie Olwen! Ah! Ooh...
I see you keep your breasts by your knees now,
is that age or so you can suckle Satan more easily?
I am ageing gracefully...
although that 20-year-old squaddie I wanked off last night might say different!
LAUGHTER
Why have you all got old lady names?
What you mean? Well, Doris, Hilda, Mavis...
Oh, that's cos we love our nans, innit? Really?
Yeah. I mean, think about it. Nans...
Baking for us, telling us we is brilliant, buying ice cream when we get an owie.
Nans are classic. What's your nan's name?
Matt. I was named after her.
LAUGHTER
Right, so the initiation ceremony has three stages and this is stage one.
"Milk and cookies."
Doesn't sound very hardcore. That sounds very tasty.
That doesn't sound very hardcore?
Did you hear that, boys?
You is bare funny, now trust me!
Bears are funny.
Yeah. What you have to do is drink a pint of milk and eat a packet of cookies in under a minute.
Can you do it, Matty Monster? Piece of piss.
Excellent. Gladys, have you got the stop watch?
Sure have, Edna. And...go!
ALL: Go! Go! Milk! Milk!
Cookies! Cookies!
Swallow it, Matt!
Put it in your mouth!
ALL: Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!
Come on, my friend, you can do it!
Come on! Come on
Drink! Drink! Drink!
Get in! Yeah, that's it!
ALL: Wahey!
Yeah!
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
They boy has passed!
You go, Matt King Cole! Jazz!
And now for stage two...
Yeah, That'll be when he's come round.
Auntie Olwen's going to love this.
Hi Ollie! Oh! Nice card and I can read it perfectly from here!
Thanks, Robyn.
Is something different about you?
Ooh! Thanks for noticing! I'm wearing contacts.
No, that isn't it. It is.
No, it's your hair! You've had a haircut?
No, I'm wearing contacts.
New jumper?
I am wearing contacts.
Have you had your teeth done?
I'm wearing contacts!
I've got it...
You've had a spray tan!
I'm wearing conta...Oh!
Owww.
Oh, my eye!
Oh, I'd better find an eyebath.
Eyebath!
Oh, you're wearing contacts!
Oh!
Hey, Ollie. Hello, Jas!
What did you think of Auntie Olwen?
Brilliant, isn't she?
Out of everyone in the whole world,
I think she's the one that gets me.
You know, really gets me. She's at the off licence now.
Ollie...
it's horrible.
You're really mean to each other. It's like watching Louis and Dannii.
Louis and Dannii are your goldfish.
I know and they hate each other.
They're in separate castles now and Louis's taken all the dill weed.
Do you want that to happen?
Do you want Olwen to take all your dill weed?
What are you talking about? It's just a bit of banter.
Ollie, was she always like this?
Oh, no, she used to be so BORING.
She used to bake and sew.
She used to send me money on my birthday,
instead of animal droppings.
And there were absolutely no jokes about her chuff at all!
And what went wrong? Nothing went wrong with Auntie Olwen!
She just changed, our relationship changed...
I think it was after my dad died.
Ha! Result!
That's really not an appropriate reaction for the passing of a parent, Jas.
No... Don't you see?
I see a crazy little lady with enormous hair.
It's obvious.
You can't bear to deal with feeling the real hurt of losing your dad.
And if you could communicate honestly with each other, you'd have a way better relationship.
Hmm.
You see, all I heard there was, "Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah. Ptht!"
I'm right!
And what if you are, Jas-ermy Kyle?
I like our relationship.
She was the only one after the funeral not to treat me like "dead-dad boy".
But you ARE "dead-dad boy".
And she's "dead-brother woman".
Together you're Dead-Da-Bo-Bro-Wo.
Don't you think you should talk?
No, I don't.
Not in here, DK.
Ballbags.
All right?
Bollocks.
DOG BARKS
DOG WHINES AND BARKS
So this is stage 2.
You've gotta stay dressed like this for the whole day.
I don't get it. I mean, why a penguin?
Why a penguin? Why a penguin? Because they are so funny, innit!
Think about it. Penguins!
Jumping in the water, jumping out the water, catching the fishies,
eating the fishies, throwing the fishies in the air, swimming with the fishies.
Looking after the egg! Haaa! The egg!
Now, basically, they are hilarious, right? Do the walk.
The walk? Yep. Do the walk!
ALL: Do the walk! Do the walk! Do the walk!
That is so inoffensive!
I just love gentle humour!
Oi, oi! Ginger Nips! Ginger Nips! Haha, Ginger Nips!
Don't call her ginger nips, she's all right, guys.
What did you just call me?
Uh oh.
Ginger...Nips?
Aaaagh!
Oh, my God, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Nobody, but nobody, calls me Ginger Nips!
Woman, are you dizzy?
That is not gentle humour!
Arrrrgh!
Right?
Hilda. Doris. Mavis.
Hi, Chloe. Hi, Matt.
How are you?
Not so bad.
Er, Chloe, I... Yes, Matt? Come along, Matt stand.
Ollie!
Ah, Auntie Olwen.
A little drinky for my little stinky?
No. No, no, no.
Oh, go on. It'll turn your piss black.
We can play oil slicks.
Auntie Olwen, we need to talk.
Oh, this sounds serious.
Have you finally developed that terminal disease I've been praying for you to get?
It's about dad.
Ah, Daniel Sinclair.
Or as I liked to call him, Boozey McCheapskate.
I was always good at nicknames wasn't I, Sweaty McKnobcheese?
I want you to talk to me. About what it was like growing up with him.
Shit.
And what he was like in the pub?
Drunk.
And was he like me?
Shit and drunk?
Yes, you're like two peas in a pod.
Olwen! Stop!
I want you to talk to me about your brother. My dad.
Oh, move over.
Ollie...
when I look at you in a certain light... Yeah?
..I can see...
..just how fat you are.
Olwen!
Hi, DK! Arghh!
Sure you don't mean, "Arrrrrr"?
Because it's like a pirate.
Because of...my eye-patch.
Oh, I didn't notice. I'm still trying to get rid of this gun.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
It'll be fine. We've never had a locker inspection.
Locker inspection!
Darren Karrimor.
I think you know what I'm about to ask you, don't you?
Is it for a bum? No.
How about a snog then?
Fine!
Right. What have we here?
Oh, look!
It's my Beyonce weave that I use in my all-bearded production of Dreamgirls.
I'll be having that back, thank you.
And what's this?
Oh, look!
It's my Christmas thong.
I use it for covering up my jingle balls.
Oh, what a lovely image.
If you think that's lovely, listen to this.
# Jingle balls, jingle balls,
♪ Jingle all the way
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride on Mr De Wilde's cock! ♪
My eye! My only good eye!
You hurt Robyn, Hagrid. I'm blind!
I don't believe Stevie Wonder and I certainly don't believe you.
Get away from my investigation!
Right, what's this?
Oh my God! It's a gun!
A gun! Somebody help me!
Mummy! I mean, Principal! Jane! No!
Buggermory.
Oh, Daniel!
Why did you have to leave us?
I miss you so much.
I knew it! Oh, hello, Ollie's Ex.
You were talking about Ollie's dad.
Well, what business is it of yours? Olwen.
Ollie needs you.
He needs someone to talk about his dad to. Someone who knew him.
I know.
I know he does, love.
Oh, come here.
Matt on the hot tin roof! How are you doing, buddy?
Bit smelly.
Am I a member of the gang yet?
Nearly. Just one more stage to go.
Not more gentle humour? Gentle humour.
Golly, I'm missing Keeping Up Appearances.
Relax, it's on series link and no, we want you to shag a bird and take a photo of it.
I can't believe how much I hate Matt.
I've begun to use violence to express myself, which is not like me at all!
Yeah, right(!)
What did you say?
Chloe, have you ever thought that maybe your anger's not at Matt?
No. His is the face I want to dice and feed to my army of monkeys.
Hello, my pretties.
Hear me out.
Maybe you're angry at yourself because you love Matt and you let him go.
Maybe you're right.
When I saw him today, with his current-bun face
and thirteen-inch waistline, I couldn't help but feel a pang.
That's why I got stabby on the gang...
bang bang!
You see, you're just sad because you let him go.
I've got to talk to him. He's hanging round with thugs now!
Thugs with a penchant for gentle humour.
I bet they're not making sure he has his five-a-day.
You look after his fruit and vegetable intake?
No, I administer very regular fistings.
I've got to get him back.
Well, thank you very much.
You're welcome. So it was emotional?
Oh, it was emotional all right.
We laughed and cried and... really communicated and emoted and reminisced about my dad.
See! I knew you could break through and just discover...
I bloody hated it, Jas! Pardon me?
I want my Auntie Olwen back!
Oh.
"Oh." Exactly.
You owe me one rank lady, Jas.
You get her back, and you get her back non-communicating, non-emotional and fully disgusting.
Jasmine...fix it!
I don't think I know how...
You broke her, you come and fix her.
Hi, Ollie and Jas.
Who's for a lovely game of I Spy?
Yeah, we like I Spy(!)
BOTH: Gentle humour!
Oh, hello, love, I thought you were Ollie.
Nice threads.
No, I'm not Ollie.
You're a bright boy aren't you?
Well, I'm in the top three in my remedial maths class.
Dad One says "remedial" means "handsome".
How many in the class?
Three.
How's Ollie doing at college?
Well...he's one of the academics.
Dad Two says "academic" means "boring".
Which is why I wouldn't even want to be one of them.
Wait a minute. You're not Jas!
Who are you and what are you doing in Ollie's shed?!
I'm Ollie's auntie. And I've really screwed up.
I've turned into a right soft cake.
I need to do something really shocking...
something so outrageous it'd blow Ollie's dick inside out.
Why?
Well, this Jas girl said we had to talk and be honest with each other.
And she's totally wrecked us.
We can barely look at each other now, for all these so-called "real emotions" flinging about!
That's why I need a really huge stunt.
And that's not rhyming slang.
Tell me about it. I've got to find a girl who'll let me have sex with her and take a picture.
Well, do you know...
..I have always wanted to p-p-p-pick up a penguin!
LAUGHTER
Please don't expel me, Principal, please!
Oh, expel him, Principal, please!
Quiet.
This is a very serious matter.
I know, Principal, and I'm so sorry.
I will not tolerate weapons of any sort, in any facet of my life.
Particularly not at college.
Oh, my God, this is amaze bags!
Quiet!
DK, the police have been called.
You will be expelled from this college with immediate effect.
But Principal...
..it's me.
There's a line, DK, and you crossed it.
Jingle Balls!
I'm king of the world!
Smile!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
Agh!
Ollie! Auntie Olwen! You're back!
You disgusting old witch!
Agh!
Matt?!
Agh!
Oh, he's a screamer, this one, isn't he?!
Hi, guys! I went back to my old glasses in the end because...
Oh, I'm blind!
Aaaaaaarggh!
Hello, middle-aged lady.
Can I tickle your chin whiskers...
with my balls?
God, he's disgusting.
He's a pervert.
I can't believe I ever let a freak like that lay his man eggs in my happy nest!
Agh!
I made it myself. What do you think?
Er... Ha! Ha.
We are going to find a way of stopping you doing this.
I'll drink to that!
♪ All we wanna do is Oh!
♪ All we wanna do is, oh
♪ Love me! Love me!
♪ All we wanna do is dance
♪ All we wanna da-ance
♪ Dance with me!
♪ Papapapa papa papa
♪ Papapa papa papa... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk