This is it, Monsanto.
I've been waiting a long time for this.
Chris: All right.
I'll play along. You hungry?
- What? - Chris: Eat a piece.
[ Both grunting ]
- Calm down. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's quiet time now.
Sleepy time.
Oh, and we're drifting off...
♪ To fairyland ♪
♪ we two ♪
Shh.
[ Sighs ]
Chris: Oh, one more thing.
[ Gunshot ]
I'll make sure to send my dry-cleaning bill...
To hell.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Folks, Popeye this... el page-o uno.
Chief: That's quite a haul, Monsanto.
You're the toast of the town.
Marshall Chris Monsanto?
Chris: Well, now, that depends on...
Oh. You're from the library, right?
This is for you.
Congratulations.
Chris: Oh.
Well...Thank you.
- [ Gasps ] - Susie: What is it, Chris?
Chris: Oh, it's nothing.
Just an invitation to a sleepover at the Conti twins' house tonight.
Susie: Who are the Conti twins?
Chris: Danny and Joshy Conti.
They were the most popular kids in my elementary school.
Their sleepovers were legendary.
I mean, only the coolest kids in town were invited.
Oh, my God.
After all these years, I've finally made the cut.
Brett: Can we go?
Chris: [ Laughs ]
Oh, come on. You mooks couldn't get into a Conti twins sleepover
if you had solid-gold pajamas,
which, rumor has it, the Conti twins have.
Enjoy sleeping in your own homes tonight.
[ Chuckles ]
Both: Welcome, Chris.
Chris: Hi.
Hey, guys, what's it like being twins?
Well, it's a very special bond.
Sometimes we even finish...
Each other's sentences...
...Chris.
Chris: Wow.
That's pretty amazing.
Do you want to see what else...
...Twins can do?
It's time for...
...The ceremony...
...Chris.
Chris: Oh, well.
I like the sound of that. [ Laughs ]
What's the ceremony?
[ All moaning ]
Okay. Um...
[ Moaning continues ]
And now the grand finale.
Chris: [ Screams ]
Both: Bring out the pancakes!
Chris: [ Screaming ]
[ Distorted voices ]
[ Sobbing ]
Brett: Hey. How was the big sleepover, buddy?
Chris: Huh?
Brett: How was the, uh, big sleepover?
Chris: Why are you riding me about this?
Nothing unusual happened, okay?!
We just did...Sleepover stuff, all right?
[ Gagging ]
Oh! Oh!
[ Retching ]
[ Water splashing ]
[ Screams ]
[ Toilet flushes ]
Just normal fun.
Brett: Cool.
[ Screeeeeeeech! ]
Chris: What am I doing?!
[ Grunts ]
Why can't I stop myself?
Marshal Monsanto! Wow!
What is a true American hero doing in my office?
What is this?
Why are you dumping cocaine on my desk?
Chris: Please don't hate me.
I swear to God, I have no idea why I'm doing this?
- Susie: Freeze! - Brett: We got two anonymous,
simultaneous tips that somebody in this office was holding a huge stash of cocaine.
Susie: Looks like we caught our man white-handed.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This isn't mine.
I've been set up.
Brett: You shouldn't tell lies, Wilcox, especially white lies.
[ Grunts ]
- Susie: Another great collar, Chris. - Brett: Yeah, white collar.
Susie: How did you get here so fast?
Chris: I guess I have some sort of special...power? I...
- Brett: Yeah, white power. - Susie: Stop talking.
[ TV turns on ]
As twin governors, we'll work twice as hard to improve our schools, create jobs...
...And balance the state budget.
So why settle for one governor...
...When you can have two weird governors?
Vote Conti twins for governors.
Chris: Governors?
Welcome back...
...Brother.
Chris: What the hell is going on here?
Ever since you took...
...Part in the ceremony, we control you.
Chris: W-wait, is that why you guys invited me over?
Yes.
Chris: You mean you don't think I'm cool?
Both: No.
Councilman Wilcox was just the beginning.
You're going to eliminate...
...Each and every gubernatorial candidate until Danny...
Chris: [ As Conti twin ]...And you waltz into the governor's office completely...
...Unopposed.
[ Zap! Zap! ]
[ Screeeeeeeech! ]
[ Door creaks ]
[ Screeeeeeeech! ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
- Hey, perp! - [ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Chris: I've ruined another innocent man's life.
What is happening to me?
It's like I'm out of control.
[ Voice breaking ] I... I...
[ Gasps ]
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm surrounded by danger!
Stress.
Poor diet.
Toxins.
And others.
Enough!
Here's acai in your eye!
[ Grunting ]
Nutricai!
[ Laughs ]
Thank you. Thank you.
Folks, I've just demonstrated the antioxidant power of Nutricai.
And now I invite you to become part of the amazing Nutricai
multi-level marketing system and finally have the financial freedom
to take control of your life!
Now who's interested?
Chris: Me!
Yes, you, sir!
[ Chuckles ]
He's taking control...
...Of his life.
He must be...Eliminated.
...Stopped.
Stress, aggravation, toxins in our air, water, and food.
Now you can fight back with Nutricai.
Nutricai isn't just a berry drink.
It's a way of life.
Visit your local Nutricai representative
and start feeling better today and forever.
Ladies, if you would.
Say hello to the PX-400 industrial juice press!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the future of Nutricai!
[ Applause ]
Thank you. Thank you.
Please welcome this month's top-selling Nutricai sales rep,
marshal Chris Monsanto!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Chris: Oh, you know, folks, two weeks ago,
I didn't know an acai berry from my left nut.
[ Laughter ]
But, seriously... [ Clears throat ]
...Uh, two weeks ago, I didn't know an acai berry from my left nut.
And then I had...
[ Gun cocks ]
Wow!
You made that much money selling some fruit drink?
It's not just another fruit drink.
It's Nutricai, packed with amazing antioxidant power...
- [ Gunshot ] - [ People screaming ]
[ Machinery whirring ]
[ Squishing ]
Chris: Well, folks, uh, looks like the Conti twins
have switched from doublemint to juicy fruit.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Susie: Congratulations, Chris.
- You killed the Conti twins. - Chris: Wrong again, Susie.
[ Crowd gasps, murmurs ]
Brett: [Bleep]
Chief: Where'd the other Conti go?
Chris: But, chief, this is both Contis.
Chief: Both Contis?
Chris: You see, chief, the Contis, like all twins,
were inherently evil because they were each only half a person.
But by smooshing Danny and Joshy together,
I turned two half-scumbags into one complete, decent human being...
Who may or may not have severe mental problems.
Chief: Well, someday, hopefully,
science will allow us to live in a world without twins.
[ Applause ]
Chris: We'll get there, chief.
We'll get there.
Thank you, Chris.
You've finally made me whole.
Chris: Hold on there. You're not whole quite yet.
Chris, I can't thank you enough for introducing me
to the amazing antioxidant powers of Nutricai.
Chris: [ Slurps ]
And I can't thank you enough, Danjoshy,
for allowing me to endorse your candidacy for governor.
[ Somber piano music plays ]
[ Gunshot, people screaming ]
Synch by Benfo. www.addic7ed.com