1
00:00:01,771 --> 00:00:03,955
NARRATOR: Kids, I bought the
house we live in now way back

2
00:00:03,956 --> 00:00:05,823
before I ever met your mother.

3
00:00:05,824 --> 00:00:08,659
<i>It needed a lot of work,
but I had a vision for it.</i>

4
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:10,327
Vintage rolltop desk here.

5
00:00:10,328 --> 00:00:11,912
I haven't decided
whether to put the fern

6
00:00:11,913 --> 00:00:13,314
on the right or the left side,

7
00:00:13,315 --> 00:00:15,416
but you know, sometimes
you just gotta wing it. Right?

8
00:00:15,417 --> 00:00:16,584
Left side.

9
00:00:16,585 --> 00:00:17,751
Oh, and right outside,

10
00:00:17,752 --> 00:00:20,004
I want to put up a
basketball hoop for the kids.

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00:00:20,005 --> 00:00:21,422
- Huh?
- BARNEY: Ted.

12
00:00:21,423 --> 00:00:23,591
This is your seduction lounge.

13
00:00:23,592 --> 00:00:25,426
Sex swing there,

14
00:00:25,427 --> 00:00:27,328
vibrating Jell-O pit
right there,

15
00:00:27,329 --> 00:00:29,697
rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel
right here.

16
00:00:30,332 --> 00:00:31,799
Don't ask; you're not ready.

17
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,535
And that basketball hoop?

18
00:00:34,536 --> 00:00:37,104
Outdoor stripper pole.

19
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:39,340
We'll just tell the ladies
to be careful in the winter.

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00:00:39,341 --> 00:00:42,476
<i>You think a tongue stuck
to a frozen pole is bad...</i>

21
00:00:42,477 --> 00:00:46,614
Hey. Barney, let's go
outside for a second.

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00:00:46,615 --> 00:00:48,365
We have a confession.

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00:00:48,366 --> 00:00:51,218
This wasn't really about
seeing Ted's house.

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00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,220
It's an intervention.

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00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,488
Oh, thank God.

26
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:55,856
I'll go first.

27
00:00:55,857 --> 00:00:57,825
Ted, this house you bought
for your hypothetical family

28
00:00:57,826 --> 00:00:59,059
is super weird.

29
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,061
We talk about it all the time
behind your back.

30
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,847
Yeah. This intervention
isn't for me.

31
00:01:02,848 --> 00:01:04,198
It's for you.

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00:01:04,199 --> 00:01:06,400
<i>NARRATOR: Why did Barney
need an intervention?</i>

33
00:01:06,401 --> 00:01:08,435
<i>It all started
a few nights earlier.</i>

34
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,770
Barney, I can't believe

35
00:01:09,771 --> 00:01:11,889
your giant TV is broken.
It's March Madness.

36
00:01:11,890 --> 00:01:13,974
Okay, uh, I think I see
what the problem is.

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00:01:13,975 --> 00:01:15,476
Barney, can you grab me
a screwdriver?

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Sure thing.

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00:01:16,745 --> 00:01:18,646
Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H.

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00:01:18,647 --> 00:01:20,881
I got a hundred bucks if you can
be here in five. Thanks.

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00:01:20,882 --> 00:01:23,317
You call the super
for a screwdriver?

42
00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:25,553
Yeah... here's the thing
about me and tools...

43
00:01:25,554 --> 00:01:28,322
the only one I know how to use
is attached to me,

44
00:01:28,323 --> 00:01:30,925
and I am not going to try
putting it in the TV.

45
00:01:30,926 --> 00:01:32,293
Again.

46
00:01:32,294 --> 00:01:34,245
Okay, that's ridiculous.

47
00:01:34,246 --> 00:01:36,196
Everyone should know
how to use tools.

48
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,414
(knocking on door)

49
00:01:37,415 --> 00:01:40,501
Well, here's our
screwdriver now.

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00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,808
(loud whisper): Guys, I'm
pretty sure that's not Luis,

51
00:01:47,809 --> 00:01:49,143
but I can't be certain.

52
00:01:49,144 --> 00:01:50,477
Someone introduce yourself.

53
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,548
Barney, I...

54
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:57,117
I got your letter.

55
00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:02,323
Dad?

56
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,324
Transcript by Addic7ed.com

57
00:02:06,325 --> 00:02:10,325
www.addic7ed.com

58
00:02:17,902 --> 00:02:19,569
I can't believe Barney
is talking to his dad right now.

59
00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:20,770
Yeah, what do you say

60
00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:22,172
after three decades
of not seeing each other?

61
00:02:22,173 --> 00:02:24,024
"So, how 'bout those

62
00:02:24,025 --> 00:02:25,959
last 30 Super Bowls"?

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00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,093
TED:
Okay, now I feel bad

64
00:02:27,094 --> 00:02:29,129
about making fun of him
for the tool thing.

65
00:02:29,130 --> 00:02:31,464
My dad was the one
who taught me all that stuff.

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00:02:31,465 --> 00:02:34,234
Well, to be fair, everyone has
some glaring gap in knowledge,

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00:02:34,235 --> 00:02:36,336
something really obvious
you somehow never learned.

68
00:02:36,337 --> 00:02:38,138
Okay, but a screwdriver?

69
00:02:38,139 --> 00:02:40,073
Come on, I don't have any gaps
that fundamental.

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00:02:40,074 --> 00:02:43,210
Really? I seem to recall...

71
00:02:43,211 --> 00:02:45,095
Daniel Burnham was an architect

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00:02:45,096 --> 00:02:47,080
whose ever-shifting style
and aesthetic

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00:02:47,081 --> 00:02:49,749
made him a true architectural
chamma-leeon.

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00:02:51,252 --> 00:02:52,619
And only the most
gifted chamma-leeon

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00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:55,222
could've designed
classic beaux arts masterpieces

76
00:02:55,223 --> 00:02:58,825
right alongside
sleek modern flatirons.

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His name might as well have been

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00:03:00,595 --> 00:03:03,813
Daniel Chamma-leeon.

79
00:03:03,814 --> 00:03:05,482
Um, Professor?

80
00:03:05,483 --> 00:03:08,602
Uh, do you mean "chameleon"?

81
00:03:08,603 --> 00:03:10,303
(laughs)

82
00:03:10,304 --> 00:03:15,175
Betty, I'm pretty sure it's
pronounced "chamma-leeon," so...

83
00:03:17,411 --> 00:03:19,663
Class dismissed.

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00:03:19,664 --> 00:03:21,481
No homework. For a while.

85
00:03:21,482 --> 00:03:24,117
Okay, I learned that word
by reading it.

86
00:03:24,118 --> 00:03:26,286
That's how I've always
pronounced it.

87
00:03:26,287 --> 00:03:27,520
Oh, Ted, that wasn't easy.

88
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It took a lot of "ch-aracter"
to admit that.

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00:03:29,624 --> 00:03:31,625
Okay, Scherbatsky.
You want to tussle?

90
00:03:31,626 --> 00:03:32,959
- I'll tussle.
- You want to tussle?

91
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,794
- Let's tussle.
- Marine biologist.

92
00:03:34,795 --> 00:03:36,463
Please, no.

93
00:03:36,464 --> 00:03:38,164
So this really sucks, but

94
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I'm going to be in the North Pole
for the next three months.

95
00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:42,135
Seriously?

96
00:03:42,136 --> 00:03:43,370
The North Pole?

97
00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:45,188
Okay, pal, if you want
to break up with me,

98
00:03:45,189 --> 00:03:47,807
just tell it to me straight.
Don't pretend you're going

99
00:03:47,808 --> 00:03:49,576
someplace we all know
doesn't exist.

100
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,778
Um, I'm going to be studying
the mating habits of...

101
00:03:51,779 --> 00:03:54,547
Of who? Santa's elves?
Rudolph?

102
00:03:54,548 --> 00:03:56,416
You know what?
I'm going on a trip, too, Scott.

103
00:03:56,417 --> 00:03:58,151
It, uh, starts in Narnia.

104
00:03:58,152 --> 00:03:59,886
It works its way up
to Candyland,

105
00:03:59,887 --> 00:04:02,122
and then, hey, congratulate me,

106
00:04:02,123 --> 00:04:04,224
because I'm the new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher

107
00:04:04,225 --> 00:04:07,093
at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!

108
00:04:07,094 --> 00:04:09,696
Robin, the North Pole
is a real place.

109
00:04:09,697 --> 00:04:11,231
You know that, right?

110
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So... you want
to get pizza later? Or...

111
00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:17,771
I think we should break up.

112
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I still think about him
in the shower.

113
00:04:21,342 --> 00:04:23,643
- Hey. - Tell us everything.
- How'd it go, bud?

114
00:04:23,644 --> 00:04:25,912
(sighs) Where do I begin?

115
00:04:27,515 --> 00:04:29,482
- So, I'm not sure how to start this.
- Yeah.

116
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,352
I think I need a drink.

117
00:04:32,653 --> 00:04:33,719
Me, too.

118
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:34,987
BOTH:
Glen McKenna, neat.

119
00:04:35,089 --> 00:04:37,123
Nice order. Up top.

120
00:04:40,161 --> 00:04:43,363
Look, it's been 30 years.

121
00:04:43,364 --> 00:04:45,598
And now you just
show up out of nowhere?

122
00:04:45,599 --> 00:04:48,668
This is... this is going
to take me a minute.

123
00:04:48,669 --> 00:04:50,870
Yeah. I understand.

124
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,241
By the way, hell of a tie.
Is that Italian silk?

125
00:04:55,242 --> 00:04:57,644
I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad
we're best friends now.

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00:04:57,645 --> 00:05:00,313
(Barney sobbing)

127
00:05:00,314 --> 00:05:01,765
- Make a muscle.
- There you go.

128
00:05:01,766 --> 00:05:02,882
Ah!

129
00:05:02,883 --> 00:05:05,085
Guys, my dad's awesome.

130
00:05:05,086 --> 00:05:06,820
He's the mother of all fathers.

131
00:05:06,821 --> 00:05:08,088
Check this out.

132
00:05:08,089 --> 00:05:10,023
Hey, back when I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.

133
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- Do you still do that?
- Not anymore.

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00:05:13,094 --> 00:05:16,396
Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for
The Stones through West Germany,

135
00:05:16,397 --> 00:05:18,565
and their tour manager
loses his arms,

136
00:05:18,566 --> 00:05:20,734
bus-surfing through a tunnel.

137
00:05:20,735 --> 00:05:21,868
Gnarly.

138
00:05:21,869 --> 00:05:24,070
Long story short,

139
00:05:24,071 --> 00:05:27,007
I've been managing tours
ever since,

140
00:05:27,008 --> 00:05:30,677
and that dude high-fives people
with his face now.

141
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:33,663
(laughing) You're funny.

142
00:05:33,664 --> 00:05:35,348
My dad's funny.

143
00:05:36,249 --> 00:05:38,417
So, all these years,
there's this one question

144
00:05:38,418 --> 00:05:40,036
I've been dying to ask him.

145
00:05:40,037 --> 00:05:42,455
- Why did you abandon me?
- Why'd you wait so long to contact me?

146
00:05:42,456 --> 00:05:45,058
You've hurt me before,
why should I trust you now?

147
00:05:46,159 --> 00:05:47,293
Do you...

148
00:05:47,494 --> 00:05:49,195
get laid a lot?

149
00:05:50,396 --> 00:05:51,664
Big-time.

150
00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:56,135
Observe.

151
00:06:14,822 --> 00:06:18,174
Oh, my God,
that took you five seconds.

152
00:06:18,175 --> 00:06:19,676
Oh, was it that long?

153
00:06:19,677 --> 00:06:22,429
Life's too short
for chatty chicks.

154
00:06:22,430 --> 00:06:23,629
(laughing)

155
00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:26,232
You're a master.

156
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:28,735
You are legen... wait for it...

157
00:06:28,836 --> 00:06:30,370
...daddy!

158
00:06:30,371 --> 00:06:31,538
Legendaddy!

159
00:06:31,539 --> 00:06:33,006
The man is a god.

160
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:36,376
And he's still out there,
living the dream.

161
00:06:36,377 --> 00:06:38,244
So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow
with Bon Jovi.

162
00:06:38,245 --> 00:06:40,413
I'll be on the road
the rest of the year.

163
00:06:40,414 --> 00:06:42,282
Oh, that's cool.

164
00:06:42,283 --> 00:06:46,553
Say, you want to join me
for the tour's Asian leg?

165
00:06:46,554 --> 00:06:49,422
This is going to be
the second-most fun

166
00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:50,957
I've ever had on an Asian leg.

167
00:06:50,958 --> 00:06:52,826
(both laughing)

168
00:06:52,827 --> 00:06:55,095
Barney, we... we know
you're psyched,

169
00:06:55,096 --> 00:06:57,063
but just...
be careful.

170
00:06:57,064 --> 00:06:58,231
What do you mean?

171
00:06:58,232 --> 00:07:00,300
Well, this guy has flaked
out on your whole life.

172
00:07:00,301 --> 00:07:01,668
It sounds like he just might be

173
00:07:01,669 --> 00:07:03,002
telling you what
you want to hear.

174
00:07:03,003 --> 00:07:05,438
Barney, we just don't
want to see you get hurt.

175
00:07:05,439 --> 00:07:09,943
First of all, Robin,
my dad could beat up your dad.

176
00:07:09,944 --> 00:07:11,111
Second,

177
00:07:11,112 --> 00:07:12,612
you don't have to worry.

178
00:07:12,613 --> 00:07:14,914
He's cool.
Now if you'll excuse me...

179
00:07:14,915 --> 00:07:17,734
I have to go renew my passport,

180
00:07:17,735 --> 00:07:20,253
and get a travel-sized rotating
Vietnamese Shame Wheel.

181
00:07:21,188 --> 00:07:23,189
Don't ask; you're not ready.

182
00:07:24,525 --> 00:07:26,092
I hope Barney's dad isn't just

183
00:07:26,093 --> 00:07:28,328
pretending to be something
he's not, you know?

184
00:07:28,329 --> 00:07:32,398
Yeah. That would make Jerry
a real chamma-leeon.

185
00:07:32,399 --> 00:07:34,100
(laughter)

186
00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:35,602
You have gaps, too, Lily.

187
00:07:35,603 --> 00:07:37,437
You got nothing on me.

188
00:07:38,272 --> 00:07:39,756
Hey, Lily, can you
toss me a beer?

189
00:07:39,757 --> 00:07:41,541
Sure, honey.

190
00:07:44,245 --> 00:07:46,379
You have terrible aim.

191
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:47,947
That's not true.

192
00:07:47,948 --> 00:07:49,749
Lily, at our apartment,

193
00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:53,153
you're the one who
pees on the floor.

194
00:07:53,988 --> 00:07:55,455
Oh, my God. Barney's dad.

195
00:07:55,456 --> 00:07:58,158
Hey, uh, you're
Barney's friends, right?

196
00:07:58,159 --> 00:08:00,410
Yeah, but... aren't you
supposed to be off

197
00:08:00,411 --> 00:08:02,629
managing some tour
in Australia?

198
00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:04,097
What?

199
00:08:04,098 --> 00:08:06,699
No, I... I'm a driving instructor
up in White Plains.

200
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:11,062
And I need your help...
Barney won't return my calls.

201
00:08:16,313 --> 00:08:18,447
What do you mean, Barney
won't return your calls?

202
00:08:18,448 --> 00:08:20,382
He said you two had
an amazing night together.

203
00:08:20,383 --> 00:08:22,251
That's not what happened.

204
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,086
I'm not sure how to start this.

205
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,420
Yeah.

206
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,306
I think I need a drink.

207
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:28,390
Me, too.

208
00:08:28,391 --> 00:08:29,508
Glen McKenna, neat.

209
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,193
Milk, skim.

210
00:08:31,194 --> 00:08:33,195
Milk?

211
00:08:33,196 --> 00:08:35,898
Oh, you're taking it easy.
Crazy night?

212
00:08:35,899 --> 00:08:37,266
I'll say.

213
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:40,202
Between you and me,
I had a lot of acid last night.

214
00:08:40,203 --> 00:08:41,570
Wow.

215
00:08:41,571 --> 00:08:43,372
I think it was the chili dog.

216
00:08:43,907 --> 00:08:46,041
I had to take four Tums.

217
00:08:46,042 --> 00:08:49,044
I was up till, like, 9:30.

218
00:08:49,879 --> 00:08:51,313
Hey, um...

219
00:08:51,314 --> 00:08:53,615
When I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.

220
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,917
You still do that?

221
00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:57,819
No. I switched lanes years ago.

222
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:03,559
I should explain.
I'm a driving instructor.

223
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,427
Now you get it, right?

224
00:09:06,663 --> 00:09:08,263
Yeah, no, I get it.

225
00:09:08,264 --> 00:09:10,265
Um, but when I was a kid,

226
00:09:10,266 --> 00:09:12,467
you... you were
this total badass.

227
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,369
Oh, I know.

228
00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:16,004
I was a real hard partier.

229
00:09:16,005 --> 00:09:18,073
Yeah, okay, now we're getting
to the good stuff.

230
00:09:18,074 --> 00:09:20,609
The drugs, the alcohol,
the women...

231
00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:22,344
<i>Yes, yes, yes.</i>

232
00:09:22,345 --> 00:09:23,278
I was out of control.

233
00:09:23,279 --> 00:09:24,947
♪ Out of control. ♪

234
00:09:24,948 --> 00:09:27,416
So when your mom said
I couldn't see you any more,

235
00:09:27,417 --> 00:09:30,118
it was rock bottom for me.

236
00:09:31,921 --> 00:09:34,022
I'm so sorry.

237
00:09:34,857 --> 00:09:37,159
You ever bang Stevie Nicks?

238
00:09:38,294 --> 00:09:40,329
Barney wasn't interested
in my apology.

239
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,964
He just wanted me to be cool.

240
00:09:41,965 --> 00:09:45,901
And I was so desperate
to connect with him,

241
00:09:45,902 --> 00:09:47,769
I did something
I'm not proud of.

242
00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:49,404
<i>I started bragging.</i>

243
00:09:49,405 --> 00:09:51,907
I bet you didn't know
this about me, Barney,

244
00:09:51,908 --> 00:09:54,476
but I've published
two nonfiction books

245
00:09:54,477 --> 00:09:56,545
about asparagus.

246
00:09:56,546 --> 00:09:58,347
And one fiction.

247
00:09:59,983 --> 00:10:03,619
I'm credited with inventing
the word "furgling."

248
00:10:04,287 --> 00:10:06,288
It means fumbling for keys.

249
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,325
So then all the county fair
judges started chanting,

250
00:10:10,326 --> 00:10:13,328
"More quiche! More quiche!"

251
00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:19,835
I guess you could call me
the LeBron James of drapes.

252
00:10:21,237 --> 00:10:24,473
I could tell he just wanted me
to be this big ladies' man,

253
00:10:24,474 --> 00:10:26,708
so...

254
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,512
What a hottie, huh?

255
00:10:30,513 --> 00:10:32,581
I'm sure you're a real player.

256
00:10:32,582 --> 00:10:35,467
Big-time.

257
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,636
Observe.

258
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,798
Excuse me, that's my son
over there.

259
00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:52,868
I'm trying to reconnect
with him after 30 years.

260
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,904
Would you just write down
any seven numbers here,

261
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:57,506
so that I can impress him?

262
00:10:57,507 --> 00:10:59,408
Please, I'm desperate.

263
00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:06,114
Oh, my God, you're a natural.

264
00:11:06,115 --> 00:11:08,717
Think of the pickup plays
we can run as a father-son duo.

265
00:11:08,718 --> 00:11:10,385
There's the
"Father Knows Breast,"

266
00:11:10,386 --> 00:11:11,386
there's the

267
00:11:11,387 --> 00:11:12,804
"Bush Dynasty,"

268
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:14,589
the "Lick Father, Lick Son."

269
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:15,590
Oh, no, no.

270
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,059
I couldn't do that.

271
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:17,843
Why?

272
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,094
I have a family now.

273
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,462
That's my wife

274
00:11:20,463 --> 00:11:23,899
Cheryl, my daughter Carly...
she's in college.

275
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,534
This is my son J.J.

276
00:11:25,535 --> 00:11:26,985
I was hoping you could come over

277
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:28,403
to dinner sometime
and meet them.

278
00:11:28,404 --> 00:11:30,238
You're all wearing
matching sweaters.

279
00:11:30,239 --> 00:11:31,440
That's cute.

280
00:11:32,241 --> 00:11:35,310
Look, I got
to get going, Jerry.

281
00:11:35,311 --> 00:11:36,845
But, uh, this was great.

282
00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,280
Glad we did this.

283
00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:45,120
I made him wait
all these years for me and...

284
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,889
I'm just not the guy
he wanted me to be.

285
00:11:48,725 --> 00:11:50,959
I know I don't
deserve it, but...

286
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,562
I need another chance
to connect with my son.

287
00:11:55,698 --> 00:11:58,100
We think you should
give him another chance.

288
00:11:58,101 --> 00:12:00,268
That's the real reason
we're out here.

289
00:12:00,269 --> 00:12:02,237
He lives ten minutes away.

290
00:12:02,238 --> 00:12:03,739
What?

291
00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:05,440
You're having dinner
with him tonight.

292
00:12:05,441 --> 00:12:07,642
No, I most certainly am not.

293
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:09,778
Look, I met him.

294
00:12:09,779 --> 00:12:11,346
He's not my kind of bro
and that's that.

295
00:12:11,347 --> 00:12:12,514
Are you sure it's
not more than that?

296
00:12:12,515 --> 00:12:13,982
Guys, get it through your heads.

297
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:17,452
I am never gonna
talk to my dad again.

298
00:12:17,453 --> 00:12:19,454
No, Barney.

299
00:12:19,455 --> 00:12:21,923
I'm never gonna talk
to my dad again.

300
00:12:22,859 --> 00:12:24,659
But your dad is alive

301
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,362
and he lives just down the road.

302
00:12:31,134 --> 00:12:32,167
Fine, I'll go.

303
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,168
Awesome.

304
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,336
Um, Lily, keys.

305
00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:42,681
I'm literally
11 inches from you.

306
00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:49,900
<i>NARRATOR: And so Barney agreed
to give his dad one more chance.</i>

307
00:12:49,910 --> 00:12:52,212
Hello. You must be Barney.

308
00:12:52,213 --> 00:12:53,263
I'm Cheryl.

309
00:12:53,264 --> 00:12:55,432
It's just so nice
to finally meet you.

310
00:12:55,433 --> 00:12:57,434
I love that suit.

311
00:12:57,435 --> 00:12:58,752
Oh, thank you very much.

312
00:12:58,753 --> 00:13:01,154
And I love your...

313
00:13:03,858 --> 00:13:05,292
...coat.

314
00:13:05,293 --> 00:13:06,660
I love your coat.

315
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,562
Oh, that's your coat, Barney.

316
00:13:08,563 --> 00:13:10,564
I just took it from you.

317
00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:12,332
Well, I do love it.

318
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:15,335
It's doing a nice job
covering up that chair.

319
00:13:17,071 --> 00:13:19,339
Guess now we wait.

320
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,541
Hey, I got an idea
how to pass the time.

321
00:13:21,542 --> 00:13:22,792
A little trivia game.

322
00:13:22,793 --> 00:13:26,313
Robin, reindeer: real or fake?

323
00:13:26,314 --> 00:13:27,314
(others chuckle)

324
00:13:27,315 --> 00:13:28,281
Okay, I'm not an idiot.

325
00:13:28,282 --> 00:13:31,952
Reindeer are obviously
f... re... fake?

326
00:13:31,953 --> 00:13:33,086
Yikes!

327
00:13:33,087 --> 00:13:35,021
I'm surrounded
by a bunch of dum-dums.

328
00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:38,892
Good thing I don't have any gaps
in my knowledge.

329
00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:44,431
I am perfect.

330
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:47,067
Oh, for the love of God, guys,
enough already.

331
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:48,368
What, baby?

332
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,836
You've been treating me
with kid gloves

333
00:13:49,837 --> 00:13:51,371
ever since my dad died.

334
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,439
That's not true.

335
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,807
Robin, don't disagree
with Marshall.

336
00:13:53,808 --> 00:13:54,808
I'm sorry.

337
00:13:54,809 --> 00:13:57,077
I first noticed it at the bar.

338
00:13:57,078 --> 00:13:58,044
Hey, Lily,

339
00:13:58,045 --> 00:13:59,646
(voice cracks):
Can you get me a mojito?

340
00:13:59,647 --> 00:14:01,715
<i>Normally, you would've
given me crap</i>

341
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,417
<i>for an hour about a voice crack
that pubescently girl-like,</i>

342
00:14:04,418 --> 00:14:05,518
<i>but nothing.</i>

343
00:14:05,519 --> 00:14:07,954
<i>So then I started
to test you guys.</i>

344
00:14:07,955 --> 00:14:10,824
<i>The Phantom Menace is by far
the best Star Wars movie.</i>

345
00:14:10,825 --> 00:14:11,992
(gags quietly)

346
00:14:13,294 --> 00:14:16,596
It ages well, that's the thing.

347
00:14:16,597 --> 00:14:19,466
You guys like my new soul patch?

348
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,335
Righteous hair tab, brotha.

349
00:14:22,336 --> 00:14:23,937
<i>MARSHALL:
And once I figured it out,</i>

350
00:14:23,938 --> 00:14:27,807
<i>I started doing crazy stuff
to see how far you'd let me go.</i>

351
00:14:27,808 --> 00:14:29,776
Hey, guys.

352
00:14:30,211 --> 00:14:31,444
This is Rex.

353
00:14:31,445 --> 00:14:34,381
He's a possum.

354
00:14:34,382 --> 00:14:36,716
I found him in the trash.

355
00:14:36,717 --> 00:14:38,284
He lives with us now.

356
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,287
I love him.
(hissing)

357
00:14:41,288 --> 00:14:45,191
Lily, we are living
with a possum.

358
00:14:45,192 --> 00:14:47,927
Rex is violent and he hates us.

359
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,397
But, baby,
you just lost your dad.

360
00:14:50,398 --> 00:14:51,698
None of us wants to upset you.

361
00:14:51,699 --> 00:14:52,699
Please.

362
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:53,800
If you guys really want me

363
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:55,568
to get over the worst tragedy
of my life,

364
00:14:55,569 --> 00:14:57,804
I'm begging you,
tear me a new one.

365
00:14:57,805 --> 00:15:00,707
But not like Rex tried to
in my sleep last night.

366
00:15:02,093 --> 00:15:04,177
J.J., dinner.

367
00:15:04,178 --> 00:15:06,146
When I got your letter,
I dug this up.

368
00:15:06,147 --> 00:15:08,248
You were probably
too young to remember,

369
00:15:08,249 --> 00:15:12,352
but this is you, this is me,
and, of course, ZZ Top.

370
00:15:12,353 --> 00:15:14,654
I do remember that.

371
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:16,623
I climbed up on that
dude's lap and told him

372
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:18,058
what I wanted for Christmas.

373
00:15:18,059 --> 00:15:19,626
(chuckles)

374
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,362
Yeah, I used to love
taking you backstage.

375
00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:24,964
You were the coolest
little kid.

376
00:15:26,867 --> 00:15:29,202
Hi, Barney.
It's great to finally meet you.

377
00:15:29,203 --> 00:15:32,138
J.J., I'm talking
to Dad right now. God.

378
00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:34,407
Seriously,

379
00:15:34,408 --> 00:15:35,458
it's time.

380
00:15:35,459 --> 00:15:36,876
What are my gaps?

381
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:41,414
Well, I guess maybe
one gap you have is...

382
00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:42,982
you can't wink.

383
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:46,152
Don't you think that
maybe we should go home

384
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:49,389
and, uh, "do the laundry"?

385
00:15:52,927 --> 00:15:55,228
<i>LILY:
You can't swallow pills.</i>

386
00:15:55,229 --> 00:15:56,929
(gagging)

387
00:15:57,631 --> 00:16:00,567
<i>ROBIN:
Ooh, ooh, I got one.</i>

388
00:16:00,568 --> 00:16:04,037
You think John Kennedy and Jack
Kennedy are the same person.

389
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:05,171
(laughs)

390
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,506
Right?

391
00:16:07,274 --> 00:16:09,042
What?

392
00:16:09,043 --> 00:16:10,310
So, Barney, I understand

393
00:16:10,311 --> 00:16:12,245
you have a pretty big job
with a bank.

394
00:16:12,246 --> 00:16:13,179
Yeah, I do.

395
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,215
<i>I make a ton of money.</i>

396
00:16:15,216 --> 00:16:17,083
How much do you make, J.J.?

397
00:16:17,084 --> 00:16:19,385
I'm 11.

398
00:16:19,386 --> 00:16:23,022
Oh, well, huh, now we all know
you make excuses.

399
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,058
I was talking about money.

400
00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:26,760
Actually, J.J. has a job.

401
00:16:26,761 --> 00:16:27,761
Tell him, J.J.

402
00:16:27,762 --> 00:16:29,129
I got a paper route.

403
00:16:29,130 --> 00:16:30,063
(scoffs)

404
00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:32,165
Good time to get into
print media.

405
00:16:32,166 --> 00:16:33,233
Am I right, Dad?

406
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:34,400
Good slam, Barney.
(laughs)

407
00:16:34,401 --> 00:16:35,535
Jerry.

408
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,036
It's all good fun.

409
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:39,773
Just ribbing among
long lost brothers.

410
00:16:39,774 --> 00:16:42,609
J.J.'s a heck of
a basketball player.

411
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,779
Uh, you don't strike me
as the athletic type, Jayj.

412
00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:48,748
Dad, check it.

413
00:16:54,371 --> 00:16:57,223
Triceps.

414
00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,058
What gym do you go to?

415
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,660
Fourth period?

416
00:17:00,661 --> 00:17:02,896
Sounds like you're having
your fourth period.

417
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:03,897
Am I right, Dad?!

418
00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:04,881
Got him again.

419
00:17:04,882 --> 00:17:05,899
CHERYL:
Jerry!

420
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,016
Oh, okay, Barney.

421
00:17:07,017 --> 00:17:08,434
Uh, maybe that's enough.

422
00:17:08,435 --> 00:17:09,719
Why? J.J. started it.

423
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,571
What does J.J.
even stand for anyway?

424
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,908
J... Jerky... Jerkface?

425
00:17:15,676 --> 00:17:17,510
J.J. stands for Jerome Jr.

426
00:17:17,511 --> 00:17:20,146
Jerome Jr...?

427
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,918
Oh.

428
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:27,821
He's... he's named after you.

429
00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:30,740
Excuse me.

430
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,796
I like having a brother.

431
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:39,966
You always add too
much water to oatmeal.

432
00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,367
Yes, I drown the son of a bitch.

433
00:17:41,368 --> 00:17:43,670
You consistently miss
at least one belt loop.

434
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,038
It's like I'm blind.

435
00:17:45,039 --> 00:17:47,173
You're too old to ask
to see the cockpit.

436
00:17:47,174 --> 00:17:49,342
Whoa. Whoa.

437
00:17:49,343 --> 00:17:51,444
Guys, my dad just died.

438
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,213
(groans)
LILY: Aw, honey.

439
00:17:53,214 --> 00:17:54,514
No, I'm just kidding.

440
00:17:54,515 --> 00:17:55,615
This is great.

441
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,350
I really, I really missed this.

442
00:18:00,221 --> 00:18:01,254
(grunts)

443
00:18:01,255 --> 00:18:02,522
Barney, what is going on?

444
00:18:02,523 --> 00:18:03,489
This is mine.

445
00:18:03,490 --> 00:18:04,624
I don't understand.

446
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,893
J.J. gets a childhood, a dad,

447
00:18:06,894 --> 00:18:09,295
<i>a real family
and a basketball hoop?</i>

448
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,997
No, no. I at least get the hoop.

449
00:18:10,998 --> 00:18:12,098
I'm taking it with me.

450
00:18:12,099 --> 00:18:13,633
Please, just come down
and talk to me.

451
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:14,734
Why? Why should I?

452
00:18:14,735 --> 00:18:15,935
You're lame, okay?

453
00:18:15,936 --> 00:18:18,972
You're just some lame
suburban dad.

454
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,306
Why does that make you so mad?

455
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,609
Because if you were gonna be
some lame suburban dad,

456
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:24,978
why couldn't you have
been that for me?!

457
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:29,849
Look, Barney,
I know I screwed up...

458
00:18:29,850 --> 00:18:32,619
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even
begin to describe...

459
00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:34,854
I know, I know, I know!

460
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:36,489
I want to fix this,

461
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,490
and I don't know how!

462
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:38,725
Please, tell me what I can do!

463
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:39,926
I'll do anything!

464
00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:58,411
You're never gonna
get it down like that.

465
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:10,056
Barney. Barney!

466
00:19:10,057 --> 00:19:14,327
Just put the pointy end
into the grooves.

467
00:19:16,931 --> 00:19:18,798
That's it. Now turn it.

468
00:19:18,799 --> 00:19:20,500
Righty tighty,

469
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:21,734
lefty loosey.

470
00:19:27,341 --> 00:19:29,742
I have no good excuse, Barney.

471
00:19:29,743 --> 00:19:31,344
It took me years

472
00:19:31,345 --> 00:19:33,880
before I was even able
to look myself in the mirror

473
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,665
for the way I let you down.

474
00:19:36,917 --> 00:19:39,419
It took courage
to send me that letter.

475
00:19:40,621 --> 00:19:43,222
More courage than I've ever had.

476
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,924
I owe you a lifetime

477
00:19:44,925 --> 00:19:47,527
of apologies, and I...

478
00:19:47,528 --> 00:19:51,431
I just have no idea
where to begin.

479
00:19:57,438 --> 00:19:59,138
Can you help me with this?

480
00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:03,643
(grunts)

481
00:20:03,644 --> 00:20:05,845
Here, got it.

482
00:20:10,484 --> 00:20:12,986
Look, if you...

483
00:20:12,987 --> 00:20:16,122
ever feel like you're ready,

484
00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:19,392
I'd love nothing more than
to be a part of your life.

485
00:20:24,999 --> 00:20:26,466
Bye.

486
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:38,511
Are you sure you don't
want to talk about it?

487
00:20:38,512 --> 00:20:39,912
I'm fine.

488
00:20:41,732 --> 00:20:43,149
Hey, Ted.

489
00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:44,150
Yeah, buddy?

490
00:20:44,151 --> 00:20:45,418
You, uh, still want

491
00:20:45,419 --> 00:20:46,886
a basketball hoop out there?

492
00:20:46,887 --> 00:20:50,790
Oh, well, I also really liked
your outdoor stripper pole idea.

493
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,825
Yeah, it's fine.

494
00:20:52,826 --> 00:20:54,761
No, you were right.

495
00:20:57,998 --> 00:21:00,436
A kid needs a hoop.

496
00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:08,990
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