1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,467 [Ted Narrating] Kids, I bought the house we live in now... 2 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,299 way back before I ever met your mother. 3 00:00:05,405 --> 00:00:08,067 It needed a lot of work, but I had a vision for it. 4 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:09,801 Vintage rolltop desk here. 5 00:00:09,909 --> 00:00:12,742 I haven't decided whether to put the fern on the right or the left side. 6 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,474 But, you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it, right? 7 00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:17,777 Left side. Oh, and right outside... 8 00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:20,876 I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids. Huh? 9 00:00:20,987 --> 00:00:24,753 Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing there. 10 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,826 Vibrating Jell-O pit right there. 11 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:29,724 Rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here. 12 00:00:29,829 --> 00:00:31,262 Don't ask. You're not ready. 13 00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:33,994 And that basketball hoop? 14 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,432 Outdoor stripper pole. 15 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,697 We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. 16 00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:42,002 You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad. 17 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:44,500 Hey. Barney. 18 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:46,078 Let's go outside for a second. 19 00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:48,340 We have a confession. 20 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,678 This wasn't really about seeing Ted's house. 21 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,947 - It's an intervention. - Oh, thank God. 22 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:58,582 I'll go first. Ted, this house you bought for your hypothetical family is super weird. 23 00:00:58,691 --> 00:01:01,057 We talk about it all the time behind your back. 24 00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:03,857 Yeah, this intervention isn't for me. It's for you. 25 00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,988 [Ted Narrating] Why did Barney need an intervention? 26 00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,862 It all started a few nights earlier. 27 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:11,403 Barney, I can't believe your giant TV is broken. It's March Madness. 28 00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:13,472 Okay, uh, I think I see what the problem is. 29 00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:16,201 - Barney, can you grab me a screwdriver? - Sure thing. 30 00:01:16,309 --> 00:01:20,405 Luis, Barney Stinson, 12H. I got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. Thanks. 31 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:22,811 You call the super for a screwdriver? 32 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,077 Yeah. Here's the thing about me and tools... 33 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:28,086 the only one I know how to use is attached to me. 34 00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:31,715 And I am not gonna try putting it in the TV... again. 35 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:33,926 Okay. That's ridiculous. 36 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,654 Everyone should know how to use tools. 37 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,925 - [Knocking] - Well, here's our screwdriver now. 38 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,737 Guys, I'm pretty sure that's not Luis, but I can't be certain. 39 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,106 Someone introduce yourself. 40 00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:53,178 Barney, l... 41 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,412 I got your letter. 44 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,589 ##[Man Vocalizing] 45 00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:14,560 ##[Ends] 46 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,304 I can't believe Barney's talking to his dad right now. 47 00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:22,374 Yeah, what do you say after three decades of not seeing each other? 48 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:26,104 "So, how about those last 30 Super Bowls"? 49 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:29,340 Okay. Now I feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. 50 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,610 My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff. 51 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:34,278 Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge... 52 00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,446 something really obvious you somehow never learned. 53 00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:38,217 Okay. But a screwdriver? 54 00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,224 Come on. I don't have any gaps that fundamental. 55 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:43,318 Really? I seem to recall... 56 00:02:43,429 --> 00:02:47,297 Daniel Burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic... 57 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,732 made him a true architectural "chama-lee-on." 58 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,805 And only the most gifted chama-lee-on... 59 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,670 could've designed classic beaux-arts masterpieces... 60 00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:59,176 right alongside sleek, modern flatirons. 61 00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:03,978 His name might as well have been Daniel Chama-lee-on. 62 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:08,713 Um, Professor? Uh, do you mean "chameleon"? 63 00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,584 [Chuckles] 64 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:15,150 Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chama-lee-on," so... 65 00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:21,692 Class dismissed. No homework for a while. 66 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:23,325 [Laughing] 67 00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:24,733 Okay. I learned that word by reading it. 68 00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:26,395 That's how I've always pronounced it. 69 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:27,564 Ted, that wasn't easy. 70 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,835 It took a lot of "char-acter" to admit that. 71 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,673 - Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle? - I'll tussle. 72 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:33,837 - You want to tussle? - Let's tussle. 73 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:36,677 - Marine biologist. - Please, no. 74 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,842 So this really sucks, but I'm gonna be... 75 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,749 in the north pole for the next three months. 76 00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:44,345 Seriously? The north pole? Okay, pal. 77 00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:46,721 If you want to break up with me, just tell it to me straight. 78 00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:49,761 Don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. 79 00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:51,955 Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of... 80 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,693 Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph? 81 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,962 You know what? I'm going on a trip too, Scott. 82 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,437 It, uh, starts in Narnia. It works its way up to Candy Land. 83 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:02,269 And then, hey! Congratulate me. 84 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:05,105 Because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! 85 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,270 Expelliarmusl 86 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:10,076 Robin, the north pole is a real place. 87 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,878 You know that, right? 88 00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:16,119 So, you wanna get pizza later or... 89 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:18,087 I think we should break up. 90 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,716 I still think about him in the shower. 91 00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:23,161 - Hey. - Tell us everything. 92 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,823 - How'd it go, buddy? - [Sighs] Where do I begin? 93 00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,597 So, I'm not sure how to start this. 94 00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:32,068 Yeah. I think I need a drink. 95 00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:33,502 Me too. 96 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,233 [Together] Glen McKenna, neat. 97 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,104 Nice order. Up top. 98 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:43,508 Look. It's been 30 years. 99 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:46,585 And now you just show up out of nowhere? 100 00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:48,813 This is... This is gonna take me a minute. 101 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:50,855 Yeah. I understand. 102 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,418 By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk? 103 00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:57,758 I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now! 104 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:01,795 - Make a muscle. - Hey. 105 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,129 Ah! 106 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,204 Guys, my dad's awesome! 107 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,274 He's the mother of all fathers. Check this out. 108 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:11,172 Back when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. You still do that? 109 00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:13,268 [Sighs] Not anymore. 110 00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:16,576 Back in '83, I'm luggin' amps for the Stones through West Germany... 111 00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:20,847 and their tour manager loses his arms bus-surfing through a tunnel. 112 00:05:20,953 --> 00:05:22,887 - Gnarly. - [Chuckling] 113 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,820 Long story short... 114 00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:27,825 I've been managing tours ever since, and... 115 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:30,896 that dude high-fives people with his face now. 116 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,795 [Laughing] You're funny. 117 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,697 My dad's funny. 118 00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:39,863 So, all these years, there's this one question I've been dying to ask him. 119 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,304 - "Why did you abandon me?" - "Why'd you wait so long to contact me?" 120 00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:45,002 "You've hurt me before. Why should I trust you now?" 121 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,745 Do you... 122 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,644 get laid a lot? 123 00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,046 Big time. 124 00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,317 Observe. 125 00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:09,898 [No Audible Dialogue] 126 00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:18,338 Oh, my God. That took you five seconds. 127 00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,071 Oh, was it that long? 128 00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:22,579 Life's too short for chatty chicks. 129 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:26,007 You're a master. 130 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,679 You are legen... Wait for it. 131 00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,187 ...daddy! 132 00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,654 "Legendaddy"! 133 00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:33,225 The man is a god! 134 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,557 And he's still out there livin' the dream. 135 00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:38,459 So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow with Bon Jovi. 136 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,532 I'll be on the road the rest of the year. 137 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,464 Oh, that's cool. 138 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,529 Hey. 139 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:47,663 You wanna join me for the tour's Asian leg? 140 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:51,107 This is going to be the second most fun I've ever had on an Asian leg! 141 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,144 [Laughing] 142 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:57,239 Barney, we... we know you're psyched, but just be careful. 143 00:06:57,350 --> 00:07:00,979 - What do you mean? - Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. 144 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,112 It sounds like he might just be telling you what you want to hear. 145 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,656 Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt. 146 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,953 First of all, Robin... 147 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,085 my dad could beat up your dad. 148 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:12,630 Second, you don't have to worry. 149 00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:15,200 He's cool. Now, if you'll excuse me... 150 00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:17,792 I have to go renew my passport... 151 00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:20,236 and get a travel-size rotating Vietnamese shame wheel. 152 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,170 Don't ask. You're not ready. 153 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:28,480 I hope Barney's dad isn't just pretending to be something he's not. 154 00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:32,574 Yeah. That would make Jerry a real chama-lee-on. 155 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:37,422 - You have gaps too, Lily! - You got nothin' on me. 156 00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:41,520 - Lily, can you toss me a beer? - Sure, honey. 157 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,489 You have terrible aim. 158 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:48,157 That's not true. 159 00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:50,497 Lily, at our apartment... 160 00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:53,094 you're the one who pees on the floor. 161 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,607 Oh, my God. Barney's dad. 162 00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:58,370 Hey, uh, you're Barney's friends, right? 163 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:02,778 Yeah. But aren't you supposed to be off managing some tour in Australia? 164 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,247 What? 165 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:07,786 No, l-I'm a driving instructor up in White Plains. 166 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,447 A-And I need your help. Barney won't return my calls. 167 00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,992 What do you mean Barney won't return your calls? 168 00:08:18,097 --> 00:08:20,327 He said you two had an amazing night together. 169 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,458 Uh, that's not what happened. 170 00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:25,332 - I'm not sure how to start this. - Yeah. 171 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,330 - I think I need a drink. - Me too. 172 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:31,137 - Glen McKenna, neat. - Milk, skim. 173 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,109 Milk? 174 00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:35,840 Oh, you're takin' it easy. Crazy night? 175 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,313 I'll say. 176 00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:40,146 Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night. 177 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:43,154 - Wow. - I think it was the chili dog. 178 00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,118 I had to take four Tums. 179 00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,819 I was up till, like, 9:30. 180 00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:53,990 Hey, um, when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. 181 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,897 - You still do that? - No. 182 00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,664 I switched lanes years ago. [Chuckles] 183 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:04,275 I should explain. I'm a driving instructor. 184 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,607 Now you get it, right? [Mouthing Words] 185 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,179 Yeah. No, I get it. 186 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:12,411 Um, but when I was a kid, you... you were this total badass. 187 00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:16,010 Oh, I know. I was a real hard partyer. 188 00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,056 Yeah, okay. Now we're getting to the good stuff. 189 00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:20,591 The drugs, the alcohol, the women. 190 00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:22,285 Yes. Yes. Yes. 191 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,955 - I was outta control. - [Falsetto] Outta control! 192 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:29,865 So when your mom said I couldn't see you anymore, it was rock bottom for me. 193 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:33,797 I'm so sorry. 194 00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:38,274 You ever bang Stevie Nicks? 195 00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:41,972 Barney wasn't interested in my apology. He just wanted me to be cool. 196 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,778 And I was so desperate to connect with him. 197 00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,910 I did something I'm not proud of. 198 00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:50,011 I started bragging. 199 00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:52,556 I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney, but... 200 00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:55,650 I've published two nonfiction books about asparagus. 201 00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:59,122 And one fiction. 202 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,235 I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling." 203 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,464 It means fumbling for keys. 204 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,540 Then all the county fair judges started chanting... 205 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:13,942 "More quiche! More quiche!" 206 00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:19,612 I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes. 207 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:25,415 I could tell he just wanted me to be this big ladies' man. 208 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:26,491 So... 209 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,462 Oh, what a hottie, huh? 210 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:33,930 - I'm sure you're a real player. - Oh, big time. 211 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,433 Yeah. Observe. 212 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,614 Excuse me. That's my son over there. 213 00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:52,912 I'm trying to reconnect with him after 30 years. 214 00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:57,456 Uh, would you just write down any seven numbers here so that I can impress him. 215 00:10:57,556 --> 00:10:59,217 Please. I'm desperate. 216 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,261 Oh, my God. You're a natural. 217 00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:08,731 Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. 218 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,301 There's the "Father Knows Breast." 219 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,871 There's the "Bush Dynasty." 220 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:14,530 The "Lick Father, Lick Son." 221 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,006 Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't do that. 222 00:11:17,109 --> 00:11:19,043 - Why? - I have a family now. 223 00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:21,871 That's my wife, Cheryl. 224 00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,006 My daughter, Carly. She's in college. 225 00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,743 This is my son, J.J. 226 00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,411 I was hoping you could come over to dinner sometime and meet them. 227 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,217 You're all wearing matching sweaters. That's cute. 228 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,590 Look, I gotta get goin', Jerry. 229 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,061 But, uh, this was great. Glad we did this. 230 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:45,300 I made him wait all these years for me, and... 231 00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:48,737 I'm just not the guy he wanted me to be. 232 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:53,335 I know I don't deserve it, but I need another chance to connect with my son. 233 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:58,045 We think you should give him another chance. 234 00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:00,584 That's the real reason we're out here. 235 00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:03,086 He lives 10 minutes away. 236 00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,384 - What? - You're havin' dinner with him tonight. 237 00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:08,551 No, I most certainly am not. 238 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,357 Look, I met him. He's not my kind of bro, and that's that. 239 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,022 Are you sure it's not more than that? 240 00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:16,795 Guys, get it through your heads. I am never gonna talk to my dad again. 241 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,699 No, Barney. I'm never gonna talk to my dad again. 242 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,637 But your dad is alive... 243 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,144 and he lives just down the road. 244 00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:32,984 - Fine, I'll go. - Awesome. 245 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,315 Um, Lily, keys. 246 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,922 I'm literally 11 inches from you. 247 00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:49,395 [Ted Narrating] And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance. 248 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,970 - Hello. You must be Barney. - [Chuckling] 249 00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:55,131 I'm Cheryl. It's just so, so nice to finally meet you. 250 00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:57,175 I love that suit. 251 00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:58,743 Oh, thank you very much. 252 00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:00,744 And I love your... 253 00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:05,016 coat. 254 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,085 I love your coat. 255 00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:10,280 Oh, that's your coat, Barney. I just took it from you. 256 00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:12,357 Well, I do love it. 257 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,926 It's doing a nice job covering up that chair. 258 00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:19,154 Guess now we wait. 259 00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,290 Hey, l-I got an idea how to pass the time. 260 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,867 - Little trivia game. - Hmm. 261 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:26,028 Robin. Reindeer... real or fake? 262 00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:27,503 - [Chuckling] - Okay, I'm not an idiot. 263 00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:31,702 Reindeer are obviously f-f-freal. 264 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,609 Yikes! I'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums. 265 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,177 Good thing I don't have any gaps in my knowledge. 266 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,222 I am perfect. 267 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,814 Oh, for the love of God, guys. Enough already. 268 00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:48,120 What, baby? 269 00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:51,128 You've been treating me with kid gloves since my dad died. 270 00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:53,721 - That's not true. - Robin, don't disagree with Marshall. 271 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,859 - I'm sorry. - I first noticed it at the bar. 272 00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:59,460 Hey, Lily, can you grab me a... [High-pitched] Mojito? 273 00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,972 [Marshall] Normally, you would've given me crap for an hour... 274 00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:04,201 about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like. 275 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:07,905 But nothing. So then I started to test you guys. 276 00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:10,538 The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie. 277 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,116 [Chokes] 278 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,321 - It ages well. That's the thing. - Mm-hmm. 279 00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:19,246 You guys like my new soul patch? 280 00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:22,227 Righteous hair tab, brother! 281 00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:25,389 [Marshall] And once I figured it out... 282 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:27,488 I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go. 283 00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,529 Hey, guys. 284 00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:32,365 This is Rex. 285 00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:34,200 He's a possum. 286 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:35,933 I found him in the trash. 287 00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:39,233 He lives with us now. 288 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,108 - I love him. - [Hisses] 289 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:44,944 Lily, we are living with a possum. 290 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,712 Rex is violent. And he hates us. 291 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:51,722 Baby, you just lost your dad. None of us wants to upset you. 292 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:55,089 Please, if you guys really want me to get over the worst tragedy in my life... 293 00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:57,458 I'm begging you, tear me a new one. 294 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,293 But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night. 295 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,298 J.J., dinner! 296 00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,132 Uh, when I got your letter, I dug this up. 297 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:07,933 You were probably too young to remember. 298 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,065 But this is you. This is me. 299 00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:12,109 And of course ZZ Top. 300 00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:14,445 I do remember that. 301 00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:16,036 I climbed up on that dude's lap... 302 00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:17,809 and told him what I wanted for Christmas. 303 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,976 [Chuckling] Yeah. 304 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,110 Well, I used to love taking you backstage. 305 00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:24,553 You were the coolest little kid. 306 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:28,988 Hi, Barney. It's great to finally meet you. 307 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,722 J.J., I'm talkin' to Dad right now. God! 308 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,359 Seriously, it's time. 309 00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,332 What are my gaps? 310 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:41,167 Well, I guess maybe one gap you have is... 311 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,740 you can't wink. 312 00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:46,277 Don't you think that maybe we should go home... 313 00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:48,972 and, uh, "do the laundry"? 314 00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:54,981 [Lily] You can't swallow pills. 315 00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,816 [Gulping] 316 00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:57,547 [Spits] 317 00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:00,324 [Robin] Oohl Oohl I got onel 318 00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:04,089 You-You think John Kennedy and Jack Kennedy are the same person. 319 00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:06,089 Right? It's... 320 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,760 What? 321 00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:12,200 So, Barney, I understand you have a pretty big job with a bank. 322 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,171 Yeah, I do. I make a ton of money. 323 00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:16,798 How much do you make, J. J? 324 00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:19,203 I'm 11. 325 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:22,803 Oh, well. Now we all know you make excuses. 326 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,815 I was talkin' about money. 327 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:28,853 - Actually J.J. has a job. Tell him, J.J. - I got a paper route. 328 00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:31,946 [Scoffs] Good time to get into print media. 329 00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:34,150 - Am I right, Dad? - Good slam, Barney. 330 00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:35,283 Jerry. 331 00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:36,861 No, it-it's all good fun. 332 00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:39,522 Just ribbing among long-Iost brothers. 333 00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:41,895 J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player. 334 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,402 Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, "Jayj." 335 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,131 Dad, check it. 336 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,980 Triceps. 337 00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:58,816 What gym do you go to? 338 00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:00,475 Fourth period. 339 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,645 Sounds like you're having your fourth period. 340 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,655 - Am I right, Dad? - Got him again. 341 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,224 - [Cheryl] Jerry! - Uh, okay. 342 00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:08,190 Barney, uh, maybe that's enough. 343 00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:11,126 What? J.J. started it. What does J.J. even stand for anyway? 344 00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:14,495 J-J-Jerky... Jerkface? 345 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,263 J.J. stands for Jerome Jr. 346 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,564 Jerome Jr? 347 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:24,841 Oh. 348 00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,501 He-He's named after you. 349 00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,315 Excuse me. 350 00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,378 I like having a brother. 351 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:39,081 You always add too much water to oatmeal. 352 00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:41,125 Yes, I drown the son of a bitch! 353 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,421 You consistently miss at least one belt loop. 354 00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:46,930 - It's like I'm blind. - Uh, you're too old to ask to see the cockpit. 355 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,499 Whoa. 356 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,262 Whoa, guys. My dad just died. 357 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:52,962 Oh, honey. 358 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,233 No, I'm just kidding. This is great. 359 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,932 I really... I really miss this. 360 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,270 - [Grunts] - Barney, what is going on? 361 00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:04,372 - This is mine. - I don't understand. 362 00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:09,216 J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? 363 00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:11,881 No. No. I at least get the hoop. I'm taking it with me. 364 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:14,550 - Please, please. Just come down and talk to me. - Why? Why should I? 365 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:18,721 You're lame, okay? You're just some lame suburban dad. 366 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:22,323 - Why does that make you so mad? - Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad... 367 00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,561 why couldn't you have been that for me? 368 00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:29,729 Look. Barney, I know I screwed up. 369 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:32,333 Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe... 370 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,242 - what I've been through. - I know! I know! I know! 371 00:18:35,347 --> 00:18:37,110 I wanna fix this, and I don't know how! 372 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,514 Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! 373 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:42,776 [Scoffs] 374 00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:57,998 You're never gonna get it down like that. 375 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:09,871 Barney. Barney! 376 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:13,884 Just put the pointy end into the grooves. 377 00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,519 That's it. Now turn it. 378 00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,291 Righty tighty, lefty loosey. 379 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,393 I have no good excuse, Barney. 380 00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:32,433 It took me years before I was even able... 381 00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:35,200 to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. 382 00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:38,972 It took courage to send me that letter. 383 00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,903 More courage than I've ever had. 384 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:45,981 I owe you a lifetime of apologies. 385 00:19:46,084 --> 00:19:50,987 And l... I just... [Sighs] have no idea where to begin. 386 00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:58,695 Can you help me with this? 387 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:03,390 [Groans] 388 00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:04,969 Oh, got it. 389 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,641 Look. If you... 390 00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:16,009 ever feel like you're ready... 391 00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:18,947 I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. 392 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,024 Bye. 393 00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:29,321 [Man] # If it's not too early # 394 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,997 ♪ I will come for you ♪ 395 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:38,227 - # If it's not too early # - Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? 396 00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:39,463 I'm fine. 397 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,562 ♪ I will come for you ♪ 398 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:43,868 - Hey, Ted. - Yeah, buddy? 399 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,638 You, uh, still want a basketball hoop out there? 400 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:50,613 Oh. Well, uh, I also really liked your outdoor stripper pole idea. 401 00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:51,683 - Yeah, sure. - Yeah, it's fine. 402 00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:53,808 No. You were right. 403 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,750 ♪ I will come for you ♪ 404 00:20:58,390 --> 00:21:00,517 A kid needs a hoop. 405 00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:07,893 ##[Vocalizing] 406 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:34,926 English - US - SDH