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Previously on
The Hard Times of RJ Berger...
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I need you to promise
this is really gonna happen.
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I promise, Lily.
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Jenny's been my dream girl
since, like, third grade.
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I have to go with her.
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This isn't right.
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Go be with her.
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[Beeping]
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[Flatline tone]
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For the lord is my Shepherd,
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and I his faithful sheep,
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following his mighty
rod and staff,
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bending to his will,
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eating his flesh...
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And as Vigo the Carpathian said
in Ghostbusters II,
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death is but a doorway.
Time is but a window.
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I'll be back.
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Friends, loved ones,
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let us all
share a moment of silence
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for a young soul taken too soon.
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[Woman crying]
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Everybody knows
someone who's died.
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That should have been me.
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Pull yourself together, man.
Damn.
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Some go tragically,
some heroically.
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And some when their scooters
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crash through a plate glass
window at a doughnut shop.
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[Glass breaks]
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Why, lord?
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Why you had to take my baby?
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Did you know Kevin was black?
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He was adopted, [bleep].
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Sorry.
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Now let's send our beloved Kevin
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to his rest
by spreading his ashes
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over this beautiful hillside,
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where he once ran
and leapt as a child.
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Before his legs could no longer
support the weight
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of his giant...heart.
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Sometimes the difference
between life and death
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comes down to one moment,
one choice.
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Off you go, son,
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to run and leap with Jesus.
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Oh!
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Aah!
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My baby!
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Oh!
No, no, no, no.
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Ma'am, ma'am...
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[Overlapping chatter]
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Oh!
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Ma'am, ma'am, no.
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Ma'am, that's not Kevin,
that's me. Ouch.
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That's attached to him, okay?
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[Loud thudding]
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[Ominous music]
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Oh, sorry I'm late, bitches.
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It's kind of hard to walk
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when your pelvis is where
your nipples used to be.
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Hi, baby!
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My name is RJ Berger,
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and it's time
I made a choice of my own.
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[Hard rock music]
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Dude, you see that?
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This is gonna be
the best semester ever.
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You know, I'm feeling
a whole new level of respect
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since ball-beating Max.
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You honestly don't think
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there will be any
repercussions to that?
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Whatevs.
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This could finally be my ticket
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out of virgin prison.
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Which I always thought we were
gonna break out of together.
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But with girls with us, right?
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Call me sentimental,
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but I always
imagined us in a motel
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high-fiving over
some freshman skank.
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But no, you had to go bone
sleeping doodie
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till she flatlined.
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Dude, shut up.
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No one can know about that.
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Especially Jenny.
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What difference does it make?
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You had your shot
and you blew it.
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Remember you had your tongue
down the prom queen's throat?
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And the next minute you're
dry-humping Lily's bed sores.
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For the rest of my life,
I'll never understand that.
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It was the right thing to do.
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No, it was the RJ thing to do.
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Trust me.
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You stick it out
with Lily 'cause of guilt,
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you're gonna pity-bang yourself
into a pity marriage, bro.
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Hey there, sexy boyfriend.
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Hey, Lily.
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Good news.
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The doctor says I'll be able
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to eat solids again
in a day or two.
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But until then I guess
I'll just have to get by
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on a liquid diet.
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After all, it wasn't my mouth
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that got broken in nine places.
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Peace in the Middle East.
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Got to go get the pus
in my knees drained.
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Bye.
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Dude, tell me you're not
seriously gonna continue this.
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I can't break the girl's
heart twice, dude.
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What am I gonna do?
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RJ, use that enormous
package of yours for once.
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Nut up and swing for the fences.
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Can you imagine
your life with Lily?
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[Engine sputters]
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Honey, I'm home.
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Hey there, sweet ass.
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Hand me my butt doughnut,
will ya?
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My hemorrhoids are flaming
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like Taylor Lautner
on Fire Island.
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Damn it. I think one of 'em
is weeping again.
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Kids, get in here.
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Daddy's home
before his second job.
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Hi... Ugh!
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You're it, Dumb-Dumb.
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When did we get a dog?
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That's not a dog.
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I had a toilet baby this morning.
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You're welcome.
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Now imagine life with Jenny.
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[Engine revs]
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Honey, I'm home.
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Hi, sweetheart.
I've got your Martini.
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You are the best.
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No, you are.
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Mwah.
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Would you like a BJ now
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or after you see the kids?
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Can't I have both?
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All right, darling,
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but you're gonna get it
for making me wait.
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Children, your father's home.
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Yay!
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Darling, my old sorority friends
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decided to pay a surprise visit.
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Is it all right
if they stay in our bed?
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We love to snuggle.
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[Girls giggle]
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Well, okay.
I guess that's all right.
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Yay! They can help
with the BJ.
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Oh, wait.
The new baby's coming.
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[Pop, baby giggles]
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Fantastic!
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See, dude, you just got
to ask yourself what you want.
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Doesn't matter what I want,
Miles.
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Look, I got my one kiss
with Jenny, my dream girl,
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and it was amazing,
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but Lily...
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She's my...
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Reality girl.
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And that's just the way it is.
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[Sighs]
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Suit yourself.
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Are you avoiding me, RJ Berger?
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No. No. Hey.
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Happy first day back.
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I haven't talked to you
since the dance.
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That was quite a night.
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Certainly was.
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So...About what happened...
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I... I don't want you
to feel weird about it.
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We could just go back to before.
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Just, you know, the usual.
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- How's Lily?
- She's good. She's good.
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Uh, she can go to the bathroom
by herself now,
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so it's good.
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You're so good to be there
for a friend like that.
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Yeah, well, you know...
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But just friends.
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[PA whines]
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Attention, Pinkerton High.
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Grab your wallets,
'cause we're having a fundraiser
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to replace the bus that
got broke before winter break.
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Friday night in the gym.
Bus drive.
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Wait.
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Lily has a billion dollars
in medical bills
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and can barely walk, and they're
gonna raise money for the bus?
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What?
184
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Nothing, I just...
185
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I was getting a little worried.
186
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I didn't recognize you
187
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until you got that whole
188
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"RJ's gonna do something
about this" look.
189
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It's one of
my personal favorites.
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Good vacation, Max?
191
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It was awesome, dork.
192
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I had a Max-tastic time.
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Now I'm back,
and I'm cooler than ever.
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Listen up, tube steak,
'cause there's a new rule.
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All freaks stay away
from Jenny Swanson.
196
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You the most.
197
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But you're dating Robin Pretnar.
198
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So how could you want Jenny back?
199
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I don't want her back.
200
00:08:13,219 --> 00:08:15,421
But that doesn't mean
I'm gonna let her slum it
201
00:08:15,488 --> 00:08:18,157
with sub-Max losers.
202
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Once you go Max,
you never go backs.
203
00:08:21,895 --> 00:08:23,696
That doesn't make any sense.
204
00:08:23,763 --> 00:08:26,031
And you tell your
Pillsbury life-mate butt buddy
205
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that I haven't forgotten
about the dance.
206
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He's gonna get
what's coming to him...
207
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A grade-A ass kicking.
208
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But with my fists.
209
00:08:34,741 --> 00:08:37,176
[Exhales]
210
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I just don't know what to do.
211
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:45,893
Lily's great as a friend,
but she wants more,
212
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,528
and I want something else.
213
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:51,031
I guess I'm just having
trouble shaking the guilt.
214
00:08:51,099 --> 00:08:52,466
Oh, shake a little harder, bud.
215
00:08:52,534 --> 00:08:54,902
You got to make you happy.
216
00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,703
While you still can.
217
00:08:56,771 --> 00:08:58,772
I think what daddy's
trying to say, RJ,
218
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,674
is just you got
to follow your heart,
219
00:09:00,742 --> 00:09:01,975
be true to yourself, you know?
220
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:04,578
And the truth may hurt
like a bitch slap,
221
00:09:04,646 --> 00:09:08,482
but it's better
than living a lie.
222
00:09:08,550 --> 00:09:11,018
Wow, that was actually
really good advice.
223
00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:13,720
Yeah, well, I've been watching
a crap-load of Dr. Phil lately.
224
00:09:13,788 --> 00:09:14,821
[Honks]
225
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:17,658
Get the [bleep] out of the way!
226
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,659
You guys okay?
227
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,194
Yeah. Yeah.
228
00:09:20,261 --> 00:09:23,897
Nothing a little, uh,
smooth jazz won't fix.
229
00:09:23,965 --> 00:09:27,668
[Soft jazz music plays]
230
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,941
"Lily aid."
231
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,842
I'm gonna crash
their stupid bus fundraiser
232
00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:38,845
and raise my own fund
for Lily's medical bills.
233
00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:40,414
You're trying to get in her clam.
234
00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:41,982
No, I've already been there,
so...
235
00:09:42,050 --> 00:09:44,284
Oh, no, God, no, not Lily's clam.
236
00:09:44,352 --> 00:09:46,353
Ugh. Jenny's clam.
237
00:09:46,421 --> 00:09:47,888
Dude, I get it.
238
00:09:47,956 --> 00:09:49,823
Making Lily aid's
the best of both worlds.
239
00:09:49,891 --> 00:09:51,325
You keep Lily happy
240
00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:53,594
while Jenny creams in her UGGs
for Mr. Sensitive.
241
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,596
No, that... that's
not it at all, actually.
242
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:57,798
Well, it should be.
It's genius.
243
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,132
You got to cash in
those nice-guy points
244
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,133
while you still can.
245
00:10:00,201 --> 00:10:01,535
While I still can?
246
00:10:01,603 --> 00:10:04,638
Dude, Jenny'll never
buy this nice act from you again
247
00:10:04,706 --> 00:10:07,541
if she finds out
about you and Lily's...
248
00:10:07,609 --> 00:10:09,443
Comalingus.
249
00:10:09,510 --> 00:10:12,446
Ugh.
250
00:10:19,087 --> 00:10:20,354
Raising money for the bus
251
00:10:20,421 --> 00:10:21,488
but not the girl that it hit.
252
00:10:21,556 --> 00:10:25,425
Face it, RJ, Lily kind of sucks.
253
00:10:25,493 --> 00:10:27,294
This is so romantic.
254
00:10:27,362 --> 00:10:29,796
Hey, it's Lily.
255
00:10:29,864 --> 00:10:31,231
Hi.
256
00:10:31,299 --> 00:10:33,567
All right, fatty.
It's high noon.
257
00:10:33,635 --> 00:10:35,502
Wait.
It's only 10:30.
258
00:10:35,570 --> 00:10:37,738
Don't get all mathy on me.
259
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,873
It's time for you to get
your ass turned inside out
260
00:10:39,941 --> 00:10:41,541
by my fist!
261
00:10:41,609 --> 00:10:42,976
What?
262
00:10:43,044 --> 00:10:44,144
- Ooh!
- Oh!
263
00:10:44,212 --> 00:10:45,512
Ah.
264
00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:47,147
[Exhales]
265
00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:49,216
- Hey, God damn it.
- Coach, thank God.
266
00:10:49,284 --> 00:10:50,951
- The hell you doing, boy?
- What?
267
00:10:51,019 --> 00:10:52,452
You my stallion.
268
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:53,787
I can't have my stallion
missing practice in detention
269
00:10:53,855 --> 00:10:55,756
for beating the diarrhea
out of some nobody.
270
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,691
He punched me in the balls
at the dance, coach.
271
00:10:57,759 --> 00:10:59,493
He deserves it.
272
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,995
Son, we all done got our nuts
busted at a dance.
273
00:11:02,063 --> 00:11:03,030
You want some fatty payback?
274
00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:04,398
- Yeah.
- Good.
275
00:11:04,465 --> 00:11:06,767
Don't do it here.
Do it in the ring.
276
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,935
- For charity.
- Huh?
277
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,370
Yeah, sumo wrestling.
278
00:11:10,438 --> 00:11:13,307
You get in the ring in a
giant fat suit, and you fight.
279
00:11:13,374 --> 00:11:14,875
It's violence, but it's funny,
280
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:17,411
so everybody think it's okay.
281
00:11:17,478 --> 00:11:20,947
Sign up.
282
00:11:21,015 --> 00:11:22,983
[Bell rings]
283
00:11:32,427 --> 00:11:34,795
Ooh.
284
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,897
Testy testy.
285
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:39,299
Looks like someone misses
her little maxi pad.
286
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,701
Just leave me alone, Max.
287
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,736
Ooh, jealous?
288
00:11:42,804 --> 00:11:44,271
No, I'm not jealous.
289
00:11:44,339 --> 00:11:45,939
I just don't want
anything to do with you.
290
00:11:46,007 --> 00:11:47,741
Ooh.
291
00:11:47,809 --> 00:11:49,976
[Sniffs]
292
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:52,245
I think you're realizing
what a huge mistake you made,
293
00:11:52,313 --> 00:11:54,881
but I'm not,
'cause Robin's a huge upgrade.
294
00:11:54,949 --> 00:11:56,616
And guess what?
295
00:11:56,684 --> 00:11:58,785
She didn't make me wait
for everything to be perfect
296
00:11:58,853 --> 00:12:01,188
like someone I know.
297
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:03,724
She spread faster
than melted butter.
298
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:06,360
You think you're cool
just cause you can get laid?
299
00:12:06,427 --> 00:12:09,129
Guess what? I can get laid
by anybody I want.
300
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,233
Do whatever you want, babe.
301
00:12:13,301 --> 00:12:17,537
It ain't gonna bother me.
302
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,374
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
303
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,947
[Students reacting]
304
00:12:51,981 --> 00:12:52,981
Then she just kissed me,
305
00:12:53,049 --> 00:12:55,050
I mean, it was incredible.
306
00:12:55,118 --> 00:12:56,251
It was in front of everyone.
307
00:12:56,319 --> 00:12:57,519
This is huge.
308
00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:58,721
When I get popular,
309
00:12:58,788 --> 00:13:00,622
I'm gonna rule with an iron fist.
310
00:13:00,690 --> 00:13:01,790
What about Lily?
311
00:13:01,858 --> 00:13:04,259
What about Lil...?
312
00:13:04,327 --> 00:13:07,296
You're gonna head right up
to that walking erector set
313
00:13:07,364 --> 00:13:09,431
and you're gonna say,
"We're through.
314
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:12,267
I'm on to pinker pastures."
315
00:13:12,335 --> 00:13:13,969
I'd be stupid not to, right?
316
00:13:14,037 --> 00:13:17,139
Uh, yeah.
317
00:13:17,207 --> 00:13:18,574
One week only.
318
00:13:18,641 --> 00:13:19,708
No beatings from Max.
319
00:13:19,776 --> 00:13:21,410
Just $20.
320
00:13:21,478 --> 00:13:23,579
Get your popcorn, lemonade.
321
00:13:23,646 --> 00:13:24,580
Helping Lily.
322
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:29,451
What the hell is this?
323
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:31,120
We're raising money for Lily.
324
00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:32,588
Got a better chance
of raising money
325
00:13:32,655 --> 00:13:33,922
for Haitian orphans
at a Klan rally.
326
00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:35,257
Besides, ain't that girl dead,
anyway?
327
00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:38,026
I'm Lily.
328
00:13:38,094 --> 00:13:39,895
Oh. Yeah.
329
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:41,563
Damn.
330
00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:43,999
Bus really did a number
on your face, huh?
331
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:45,701
My face is the same.
332
00:13:45,769 --> 00:13:46,935
[Bell dings]
333
00:13:47,003 --> 00:13:48,737
All right, Pinkerton High,
334
00:13:48,805 --> 00:13:49,738
it's fight time.
335
00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:52,775
Saved by the bell.
336
00:13:52,842 --> 00:13:54,843
RJ Berger is my boyfriend,
337
00:13:54,911 --> 00:13:58,547
and Miles gets his ass kicked.
338
00:13:58,615 --> 00:14:00,015
There is a God.
339
00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:01,750
Lily, I really need to talk...
340
00:14:01,818 --> 00:14:03,118
Not now, lover.
341
00:14:03,186 --> 00:14:06,588
Just remember later
I have my own "Lily-ade,"
342
00:14:06,656 --> 00:14:10,926
it pours out real slow.
343
00:14:13,663 --> 00:14:18,467
[Drumming, cheers and applause]
344
00:14:18,535 --> 00:14:20,669
[Bell dings]
345
00:14:20,737 --> 00:14:22,805
Pinkerton High,
346
00:14:22,872 --> 00:14:25,541
it's time for the main event.
347
00:14:25,608 --> 00:14:26,742
In the red corner,
348
00:14:26,810 --> 00:14:29,111
my main man and yours,
349
00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:31,213
Max Owens!
350
00:14:31,281 --> 00:14:35,217
Tie me up, baby.
351
00:14:35,285 --> 00:14:36,652
Don't embarrass me out there.
352
00:14:36,719 --> 00:14:38,353
I don't embarrass people.
353
00:14:38,421 --> 00:14:41,690
I annihilate 'em.
354
00:14:41,758 --> 00:14:46,395
And in the blue corner,
Max's victim...
355
00:14:46,463 --> 00:14:48,831
Miles...
[Man boos]
356
00:14:48,898 --> 00:14:50,365
- Jenner.
- Jenner.
357
00:14:50,433 --> 00:14:51,700
Whoo!
358
00:14:51,768 --> 00:14:53,435
That's...
Thanks.
359
00:14:53,503 --> 00:14:55,671
Hey, coach,
is he wearing a suit or not?
360
00:14:55,738 --> 00:14:57,573
I can't tell.
361
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,777
[Laughter]
362
00:15:01,845 --> 00:15:04,780
It's funny 'cause I'm fat.
363
00:15:04,848 --> 00:15:07,549
Let the ass-whooping begin.
364
00:15:07,617 --> 00:15:09,885
[Drumming, cheers and applause]
365
00:15:19,262 --> 00:15:21,196
[Bell rings]
366
00:15:21,264 --> 00:15:23,198
Oh!
367
00:15:36,713 --> 00:15:37,679
Lily.
368
00:15:37,747 --> 00:15:39,214
I want to watch this.
369
00:15:39,282 --> 00:15:40,449
We need to talk.
370
00:15:40,517 --> 00:15:43,352
Want to punch me in the balls?
371
00:15:52,262 --> 00:15:54,029
This is bull crap.
372
00:15:54,097 --> 00:15:56,899
He's used to being fat!
373
00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,634
Next to Miles,
374
00:15:58,701 --> 00:16:01,203
you are my best...
375
00:16:01,271 --> 00:16:04,373
And oldest friend.
376
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,310
I'll always be so happy
we lost our virginity together.
377
00:16:08,378 --> 00:16:11,780
Bring it, Miles!
378
00:16:11,848 --> 00:16:13,482
Payback time!
379
00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:20,255
And I care about you so much.
380
00:16:20,323 --> 00:16:24,693
And I know you're thinking that
I'm gonna be your boyfriend now,
381
00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:26,895
but...
382
00:16:36,105 --> 00:16:38,607
I got something for you.
383
00:16:47,684 --> 00:16:49,351
That night...
384
00:16:49,419 --> 00:16:52,087
I went to the dance...
385
00:16:52,155 --> 00:16:54,590
With Jenny.
386
00:17:02,098 --> 00:17:04,733
You heartless, shallow...
387
00:17:04,801 --> 00:17:05,968
I'm doing this, okay?
388
00:17:06,035 --> 00:17:07,769
I have to take
my shot with Jenny.
389
00:17:07,837 --> 00:17:09,037
We kissed that night...
390
00:17:09,105 --> 00:17:11,239
You kissed her?
391
00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:27,656
[Eagle shrieks]
392
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:34,863
Boom!
393
00:17:34,931 --> 00:17:38,200
Max Owens kill shot!
394
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,201
Max! Max! Max! Max!
395
00:17:39,268 --> 00:17:42,104
Max! Max! Max! Max! Max!
396
00:17:46,209 --> 00:17:47,976
Oh.
397
00:17:48,044 --> 00:17:50,312
Oh, my gosh.
RJ, are you okay?
398
00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:51,880
[Lily screams]
399
00:18:05,094 --> 00:18:09,097
You're dead to me, RJ Berger!
400
00:18:09,165 --> 00:18:12,367
See if you like how it feels!
401
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:23,470
Well, looks like the start
of another [bleep] semester.
402
00:18:28,009 --> 00:18:29,442
[Groans]
403
00:18:29,510 --> 00:18:31,811
I hope she's okay.
404
00:18:31,879 --> 00:18:32,912
She's okay?
405
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:34,447
She went King Kong in there
406
00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:36,316
and practically brained you
with one of her gimp sticks.
407
00:18:36,384 --> 00:18:37,984
And I deserved it.
408
00:18:38,052 --> 00:18:40,353
Look, you can't worry about Lily.
409
00:18:40,421 --> 00:18:42,389
She's more machine now than man.
410
00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:44,257
The only thing
you need to worry about
411
00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:46,426
is getting up in Jenny's guts.
412
00:18:46,494 --> 00:18:48,728
Oh! Ugh.
413
00:18:48,796 --> 00:18:50,263
You okay?
414
00:18:50,331 --> 00:18:54,534
Hey, black eye and black sack.
415
00:18:54,602 --> 00:18:56,569
There's more coming tomorrow.
416
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:01,841
Face it.
417
00:19:01,909 --> 00:19:03,243
Chance of scoring with Jenny
418
00:19:03,311 --> 00:19:05,645
is about the only thing
you got going for you right now.
419
00:19:08,783 --> 00:19:11,318
It's enough.
420
00:19:11,385 --> 00:19:14,120
Yeah.
421
00:19:35,543 --> 00:19:38,345
Mark my words, Wolverine.
422
00:19:38,412 --> 00:19:41,581
This semester
is all about Jenny Swanson.
423
00:19:41,649 --> 00:19:43,583
[Frog ribbits]
424
00:19:43,651 --> 00:19:47,454
Maybe life won't be one big
crap sandwich after all.
425
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:49,389
[Knock at door]
426
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:52,726
Come in.
427
00:19:52,793 --> 00:19:54,427
Hi, bud.
428
00:19:54,495 --> 00:19:56,696
Uh, we need to talk.
429
00:19:56,764 --> 00:19:58,164
I... I do too.
430
00:19:58,232 --> 00:20:01,234
I know I don't...
Give you guys credit
431
00:20:01,302 --> 00:20:03,803
for being my most stable source
of relationship advice...
432
00:20:03,871 --> 00:20:04,904
RJ...
433
00:20:04,972 --> 00:20:07,006
But you guys have been amazing.
434
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:09,676
You were both
really there for me,
435
00:20:09,744 --> 00:20:12,212
and I just... want to say thank you.
436
00:20:15,549 --> 00:20:17,417
RJ, uh...
437
00:20:17,485 --> 00:20:20,420
Mommy and I are separating.
438
00:20:24,225 --> 00:20:25,358
What?
439
00:20:25,426 --> 00:20:30,096
We're getting a divorce, RJ.
440
00:20:30,164 --> 00:20:31,097
My name is RJ Berger,
441
00:20:31,165 --> 00:20:33,666
and, nope, I was right.
442
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,934
Crap sandwich.
443
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:45,934
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