1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,180
Previously on "The Hard
Times of R.J Berger".

2
00:00:02,181 --> 00:00:03,801
Cousin Vinnie is here to
help us move.

3
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:05,080
You wanna date this girl?

4
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,070
- More than anything.
- You'll only need one weapon.

5
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:08,030
Confidence.

6
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,980
- You and me, dinner?
- I'd love to.

7
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,550
I guess I'm just really nervous.

8
00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:14,830
That's why I like you, R.J
you're never afraid to tell the truth.

9
00:00:29,690 --> 00:00:31,870
Holy crap.
This is really happening.

10
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:32,660
Yeap.

11
00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:45,570
Is something wrong?

12
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,910
No...No, no, nothing.

13
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Wow, they really lock
these things in, huh.

14
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,090
Just pull it over her head.

15
00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:57,750
Mom!
You got to pull those little muffins

16
00:00:57,830 --> 00:00:59,810
out of the oven, while
they are still warm.

17
00:00:59,830 --> 00:01:01,574
These walls sure are thin, huh.

18
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Don't pay attention.

19
00:01:05,550 --> 00:01:07,330
You got it?
Can you see them?

20
00:01:07,450 --> 00:01:10,220
Oh I bet they are fantastic.

21
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Let me know when you get to the bottoms,
I'll talk you through it, it can be tricky.

22
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Mom!

23
00:01:17,354 --> 00:01:19,903
- Mom!
- Oh, my God.

24
00:01:20,670 --> 00:01:24,930
My name is R.J. Berger
and I need a new make out spot.

25
00:01:25,050 --> 00:01:35,287
Sync by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com

26
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Whoa, what's with you?

27
00:01:43,250 --> 00:01:45,290
The universe keeps
blue balling me.

28
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That's what.

29
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- I keep getting this close and...
- The Universe says, "No R.J...."

30
00:01:50,943 --> 00:01:53,536
"You must wait.
Wait for tonight.

31
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"For on this night you
shall surely bone."

32
00:01:56,460 --> 00:01:59,090
What would make tonight
any different?

33
00:01:59,190 --> 00:02:01,730
Dude, the sophomore
lock-in night.

34
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:03,400
So?

35
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:07,580
So, lock-in night is like
a school sponsored orgy.

36
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:10,740
Scorgy, everyone in class
gets to rub gut.

37
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Even complete trolls.

38
00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:17,270
Miles, this is another one
of your stupid theories,

39
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,060
there's no way people are
going to do it at school.

40
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Oh!

41
00:02:24,650 --> 00:02:27,429
Okay... nice!

42
00:02:27,430 --> 00:02:28,649
Pick a jean

43
00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:29,520
now.

44
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,450
Where is my sexy key master?

45
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Right here, here I am!

46
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Come and get it, baby.

47
00:02:45,670 --> 00:02:48,610
Another one of my
stupid theories, huh?

48
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,640
Just like when I warned you what would
happen if you entered the dragon.

49
00:02:53,450 --> 00:02:55,879
Why do I feel she can hear
every word we are saying?

50
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,150
Because she is pure evil, bro.

51
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,680
Forget her, you moved on.

52
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,150
Maybe you're right.

53
00:03:05,790 --> 00:03:07,910
Maybe tonight is the night.

54
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Dude, if it does happen,
just promise me a detailed

55
00:03:12,290 --> 00:03:13,800
description of the merchandise.

56
00:03:13,850 --> 00:03:17,610
You know, hardwood
floors or carpet.

57
00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:19,990
Curtains or pouty face.

58
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,879
Come on R.J.

59
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,840
Come to paradise.

60
00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:30,710
Mmmh!

61
00:03:30,780 --> 00:03:32,940
R.J. Berger!

62
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,620
R.J. Berger!

63
00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:37,350
Ok, ok, I get it.

64
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Due that reminds me, you have to
bring a dessert to get in.

65
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You see.
Even the rules are awesome.

66
00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:46,630
Tasty treats locked in
with girls and desserts?

67
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,970
Scorgy!

68
00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:54,173
So I was thinking we would
just sneak off tonight after

69
00:03:54,293 --> 00:03:56,970
the coach calls lights out
and find the place we both pictured.

70
00:03:56,980 --> 00:03:58,900
Oh, R.J., I can't.

71
00:03:59,330 --> 00:04:00,790
I'm so sorry.

72
00:04:00,810 --> 00:04:04,380
No, I totally understand if
you wouldn't want to do it.

73
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,350
R.J., not that.

74
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:10,299
I do want to, I really,
really want to.

75
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,729
It's just...
My parents won't let me go.

76
00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:14,140
But it's a school event.

77
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,830
I know, somebody called them
and said how it's basically a

78
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:18,980
school sponsored orgy.

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Scorgy.

80
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What?

81
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Anyways.

82
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I really really want to but it just
can't be tonight unless it's a

83
00:04:27,730 --> 00:04:31,770
miracle and my dad changes his
mind which will never happen.

84
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:36,660
Don't worry about your dad.

85
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What?

86
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:39,270
I got this.

87
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,610
Jennifer's not allowed out
tonight, if you hadn't heard.

88
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But sir please, we are all just
counting on her.

89
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Excuse me?

90
00:04:54,790 --> 00:04:58,160
Well, we are supposed to
role play together tonight.

91
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:04,450
I knew it, this whole lock-in non-sense
is just a thinly veiled excuse for a scorgy.

92
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:05,300
Oh, oh... what?

93
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,360
It's a compound word, Berger.

94
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,850
Using the words school and orgy.

95
00:05:12,350 --> 00:05:13,430
Orgy?

96
00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:14,950
Oh my God,

97
00:05:14,970 --> 00:05:18,110
that's disgusting, Jennifer what
is your father talking about?

98
00:05:18,190 --> 00:05:23,720
I don't know someone
told him this crazy story and it is gross.

99
00:05:25,638 --> 00:05:28,274
I mean I just don't know who
he's gonna play my Princess Pigginton

100
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,883
in our Scalborg campaign.

101
00:05:30,003 --> 00:05:31,623
Princess Pigginton?

102
00:05:31,624 --> 00:05:34,540
Yeah she rolls a plus
twelve against all evil.

103
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:35,700
She is the magical
keeper of the...

104
00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:38,890
Stop, stop this....
Stop, shut up with that.

105
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:45,370
All right, obviously there's some sort
of misunderstanding here.

106
00:05:45,530 --> 00:05:48,520
I told you daddy,
it's not at all like that.

107
00:05:50,210 --> 00:05:51,790
All right, sweetie.

108
00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:53,360
All right, you can go.

109
00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:57,430
But you listen to me, son.

110
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,270
Swear to me that you will not take
advantage of my daughter tonight.

111
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,544
It is my sworn duty as a knight
to defend all maidens

112
00:06:04,790 --> 00:06:06,700
against evil and
chaotic beasts from...

113
00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:08,670
Stop stop stop, just shut up with that.

114
00:06:10,330 --> 00:06:12,080
- Thank you, daddy.
- Good night, sir.

115
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,559
You are a genius!

116
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,219
I can we're in for something
special tonight.

117
00:06:29,950 --> 00:06:32,772
Hi, listen up, super freaks.

118
00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:37,749
The only reason a chaperon this sad ass
circus is to eat your mama's cookies

119
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while I watch the fight on my office TV.

120
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Ain't got no cable at home.

121
00:06:42,450 --> 00:06:45,630
Ground rules are: stay in the gym,

122
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don't leave the gym,

123
00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:50,840
and stay the hell in the
gym at all times.

124
00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:54,859
Oh yeah and stay the
hell out of my office!

125
00:07:03,221 --> 00:07:06,183
This is gonna be the craziest
night of our lives.

126
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,960
Dude, can you believe it?

127
00:07:19,350 --> 00:07:22,180
You can practically feel
the beaver mist in the air.

128
00:07:22,210 --> 00:07:24,230
There's no way I'm not
getting laid tonight.

129
00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:26,890
What are those?

130
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:30,380
Oh I stole this giant stash of
biscotti's from my brother Jeff.

131
00:07:30,510 --> 00:07:33,369
Chett doesn't strike me as
a biscotti guy.

132
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:34,620
Oh he's crazy about 'em.

133
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,404
He imports them from his old
war buddies

134
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,091
I should eat like a thousand of 'em.

135
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:41,100
So, where are we setting up at?

136
00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:44,786
Oh, um... actually, Miles,
R.J and I are gonna

137
00:07:44,906 --> 00:07:47,766
try and find our own place
with a little more privacy.

138
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,400
Thank you.

139
00:07:56,830 --> 00:07:58,860
Way to go, bro, I'm proud of you.

140
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,100
I can't believe that
blonde bitch made it.

141
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,050
Yeah, isn't it awesome.

142
00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:06,640
Wait?

143
00:08:07,550 --> 00:08:08,690
Why wouldn't you?

144
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:09,930
No reason.

145
00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:12,920
I got to go take a major dump.

146
00:08:13,350 --> 00:08:15,410
Do you want to wipe my ass fatty?

147
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:20,029
Hell no, I think I would rather be a human
centipede between Bismarcky and Justin

148
00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:21,140
Bieber, thanks.

149
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:24,850
Wait!

150
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,470
It was you, wasn't it?

151
00:08:28,570 --> 00:08:30,300
You called Jenny's parents.

152
00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:33,040
You tried to sabotage R.J.'s night.

153
00:08:33,050 --> 00:08:34,210
And I'm still going to.

154
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,570
You mechanized cock-block, how could you?

155
00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:42,211
If I can't have R.J.
Berger, no one can.

156
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,130
Gosh, it's so creepy here at night.

157
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,040
It's creepy here in the day too.

158
00:08:53,110 --> 00:08:55,009
Where should we go?

159
00:08:56,396 --> 00:08:58,234
Anywhere, I mean it
can literally be

160
00:08:58,484 --> 00:09:00,720
anywhere in
the world right there.

161
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,080
No, R.J.,
it's got to be special.

162
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,410
We have find the perfect place.

163
00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:08,070
Ok, you lead the way.

164
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:08,740
Okay.

165
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:09,310
Biscotti?

166
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,220
Oh.. No no no, actually I'm
allergic to chocolate.

167
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,630
More for me.

168
00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:17,970
Well, I think I'm getting
a sugar rush.

169
00:09:25,030 --> 00:09:26,320
What did you bring to eat?

170
00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:27,400
Time to pay the sugar toll.

171
00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:29,020
Biscotti?

172
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:30,700
Biscotti what?

173
00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:34,069
It's a delicious biscuit, my brother
learned the recipe in Afghanistan.

174
00:09:37,824 --> 00:09:41,220
- You know, the man's got gold right there.
- Well, you got it, coach.

175
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,580
You know, a world class taste
whoopin' in my mouth.

176
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:48,100
Try these, I will take a couple
more before I make my rounds.

177
00:09:48,260 --> 00:09:49,619
Mmm!

178
00:09:53,630 --> 00:09:55,420
Are you trying to make me fat?

179
00:09:57,590 --> 00:10:01,000
You little prick these are good!

180
00:10:01,190 --> 00:10:02,730
Then give me one then.

181
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:09,940
Lock it up!

182
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:12,640
Mmm!

183
00:10:12,910 --> 00:10:13,960
Damn!

184
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,339
Welcome home you traitors habbit.

185
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:27,209
Miles?

186
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,999
Enjoy you stay!

187
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,700
Hope you enjoy deucing
in the dark, bitch.

188
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,330
Miles?

189
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:36,270
Miles?

190
00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:37,490
Miles!

191
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:41,250
You fat bastard, let
me out of here!

192
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:46,480
All right!

193
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,950
Ladies, ladies first all right?

194
00:10:50,970 --> 00:10:54,310
Ladies with their boobies
out double first.

195
00:10:56,210 --> 00:10:58,590
Ok, we have four winners.

196
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,220
There you go, girls.

197
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,060
Hey there good lookin'.

198
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,770
Hell of a fight, huh?

199
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,380
Who the hell are you?

200
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,210
I'm you, dummy.

201
00:11:19,870 --> 00:11:21,200
Then who the hell am I?

202
00:11:21,270 --> 00:11:24,279
You are the fool that is high
as a kite on Afghani gold.

203
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,066
- Now listen, buddy.
- More like this got messed up.

204
00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:32,308
Those cookies are
dosed to the teeth.

205
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,840
Sugar toll, afghani gold.

206
00:11:51,433 --> 00:11:56,570
This is the best lock-in ever!

207
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:11,420
I think, yeah... yeah
I'm trippin' balls!

208
00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:15,020
I'm trippin' biscotti balls!

209
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:28,577
This little piggy went wee, wee, wee, all
the way home just like a big fat wiener.

210
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:37,170
These biscottis are amazing.

211
00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:38,199
Are you feeling ok?

212
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,050
I'm great.

213
00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:41,009
Let's get a look at the legend.

214
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,279
Oh, no no, wait.

215
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,750
Jenny, you are
acting really weird.

216
00:12:46,270 --> 00:12:52,000
I know what you want, you want
me to show you mine first, ok.

217
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,370
You like what you see?

218
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,720
Hardwood floors?

219
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:14,230
R.J., this is... this is perfect.

220
00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:16,751
Has my hair always
tasted this good?

221
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:20,850
This is just exactly how
I always wanted it.

222
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,070
I somehow doubt that.

223
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:25,819
No, oh no no no, it's just right exactly.

224
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,260
I wanna live here with you.

225
00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:28,940
Wait, wait, wait wait wait wait...

226
00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:29,920
You're a virgin?

227
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,910
Not for long!

228
00:13:33,350 --> 00:13:34,820
What is that?

229
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:43,740
Clang, clang, clang, clang,
clang, clang, clang, clang....

230
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,050
No!

231
00:13:46,810 --> 00:13:48,510
Get me out of here!

232
00:13:50,490 --> 00:13:51,790
Get me out of here!

233
00:13:51,810 --> 00:13:54,210
Miles, or I'm going
to bite off your...

234
00:14:08,130 --> 00:14:09,440
I love you!

235
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,150
Don't we hate each other?

236
00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:13,480
We do!

237
00:14:16,010 --> 00:14:16,850
Love.

238
00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:19,070
This is what it's all about.

239
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,910
Get in on this
everybody, it's magic!

240
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,430
Magic!

241
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:26,689
Double rainbow all the way!

242
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,610
I like you, me.

243
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,650
I like me too.

244
00:14:50,530 --> 00:14:51,590
But guess what?

245
00:14:51,610 --> 00:14:52,940
What?

246
00:14:53,330 --> 00:14:55,029
You ain't never going to guess.

247
00:14:55,030 --> 00:14:57,350
Leon, okay.

248
00:14:59,310 --> 00:15:03,930
This trip is about to
go really really, bad.

249
00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:07,510
Oh no.

250
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,310
Yeah, you better hide
in the air ducts.

251
00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:15,140
Because this beast is
about to go buck wild!

252
00:15:17,020 --> 00:15:18,509
Got that right!

253
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,829
Yeah, we think that's a good idea.

254
00:15:26,830 --> 00:15:28,610
I think it's a good idea.

255
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,130
You ain't going to make it.

256
00:15:38,710 --> 00:15:40,770
Come on, let's get it on.

257
00:15:40,810 --> 00:15:43,149
Jenny, Jenny, please.

258
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:43,850
Hold on.

259
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,040
Take a deep breath.

260
00:15:47,850 --> 00:15:51,280
Oh, I get it, you want a
little uh....

261
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,810
Touchdown...

262
00:15:57,770 --> 00:15:59,690
Down the hatch.

263
00:16:01,070 --> 00:16:03,420
Wait, no, no.

264
00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:05,030
Jenny?

265
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,040
Who's there?

266
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,760
What the hell is going on?

267
00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:40,929
Paris Hilton...

268
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:42,310
Is it really you?

269
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,530
Yes, it's me.

270
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,580
You're beautiful.

271
00:16:47,630 --> 00:16:48,500
I know.

272
00:16:49,130 --> 00:16:51,270
You are so hot.

273
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,160
Really?

274
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,970
Can I tell you a secret?

275
00:16:57,730 --> 00:16:59,230
Anything.

276
00:16:59,490 --> 00:17:02,190
I'm the devil!

277
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,620
Mommy!

278
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:14,210
No!

279
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,620
Get away from me!

280
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,590
Get the hell out of the way!

281
00:18:30,230 --> 00:18:31,870
Stop!

282
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,330
Go!

283
00:19:19,470 --> 00:19:20,640
Mornin'.

284
00:19:22,630 --> 00:19:24,060
Good morning.

285
00:19:28,610 --> 00:19:32,100
Last night everybody
got pretty messed up.

286
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:33,840
Did I?

287
00:19:34,110 --> 00:19:34,980
Yeah.

288
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:44,898
- Did I take my...
- Yes, but I put them back on for you.

289
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:52,220
I'm sorry, R.J.... but did we...

290
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,110
No.

291
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,690
But we did just spend
the night together.

292
00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:08,640
R.J. Berger, I promised.

293
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,579
My name is R.J. Berger and I
think the universe is starting

294
00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:25,800
to take a shine to me.

295
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:37,412
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