Been locked in intense
Negotiations or the federal
Budget.
Looming over these negotiations
Was a threat that without a
Budget agreement, the federal
Government would shut down as of
12:01 a.M. Today.
Tonight I am happy to report
That shortly before the
Deadline, an agreement on the
Budget was reached.
And the government shutdown has
Thus been averted.
This agreement is truly
Something we can all be proud
Of.
And in a true example of
Compromise, I am pleased to say
No one got everything he wanted
And everyone walked away
Unhappy.
Senator reid and I are very
Unhappy over the deep cuts.
Congressman boehner is unhappy
The cuts weren't deep enough.
The tea party caucus is unhappy
With the size of the cuts and
The fact I wasn't born in
America.
The capitol building cleaning
Staff is unhappy with the mess
We left after our meetings.
Congressional interns were
Unhappy to work late on Friday,
A night they reserve for casual,
Commitment-free hookups.
Members of the military are very
Unhappy of being used as pawns
While nonessential government
Workers are upset being reminded
Once again that they were
Nonessential.
"the new york times" is unhappy
As they were planning a 12-part
Series on how the shutdown is
Affecting the homeless and kids
Are deeply unhappy that their
Family vacations to national
Parks will go forward as
Planned.
Mitt romney is unhappy with the
Size of the deficificit in gene
And his inability to connect on
An emotional level.
Dennis kucinich is unhappy for
Never being picked for teams as
A child while congressman dale
Humphries is unhappy he's
Trapped in a loveless marriage.
Senator john mccain is unhappy
And he'll always unhappy.
Finally fans of "Saturday night
Live" are unhappy.
They tuned in expecting to see
The show and instead got this
Presidential address.
While others aren't happy that
The show is still on the air.
In closing I live you with this,
Whenever you feel like our
Government just doesn't work or
Have doubts about this
Nev-ending sfermt experiment in
Democracy called america, I ask
You to remember this night and
How unhappy we all were.
How profoundly, deeply,
Miserably unhappy and be proud.
May god bless america, and live
From new york, it's Saturday
Night!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
-- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
>> announce>> announcep >>-
Musical guest --
Foo fighters
And your host --
Helen mirren
[ cheers and applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Helen mirren!
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
>>> it's so wonderful to be here
Hosngg"Saturday night live."
Since most people know from my
Playing the queen, I was afraid
They'd make me play a queen in
Every sketch.
They did that last week with
Elton john.
I'd like to say something for
The record.
Although I played the queen, I'm
Nothing like her.
Would the queen do this?
Or this?
[ laughter ]
>> I may have been appointed the
Dame of the british empire.
I'm not all scones and teacups.
I'm more business indicates and
D cups.
♪ they're ain't nothing like a
Dame
Nothing in the world
There ain't nothing ♪
♪ you can name
That is anything like a dame
She's been honored by the
Royals ♪
♪ it's a most exclusive club
But I'd rather pound
A pint back
With some wankers in a pub ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ she is regal and demur
She's exactly like the queen
Have you ever seen "caligula"
I'm in the orgy scene ♪
♪ she is classy
She's refined
From her head down
To her shoes ♪
♪ you're getting
It all wrong
I smoke cigars and
I have tattoos ♪
♪ look, I'd show you them
Right now ♪
>> hey, hey, hey, you are a
Lady.
>> guys, I'd like to see what's
Under there.
[ in unison ]
>> sandberg!
>> can you blame me?
♪ there ain't nothing like a
Dame
And we're very glad that she
Came ♪
>> ahoy!
♪
♪ helen mirren's got funk
That much is clear
She is finer than everyone here
She's a girly, girly, sexy ♪
Talented dame ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> we have a great show.
The foo fighters are here.
So stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> james franco, see you left
Occupation blank.
>> I didn't know which job do
Put down, filmmaker, conceptual
Artist, matador, sniper.
>> I'll put down actor.
Any write-offs?
>> I had some expenses when I
Hosted the oscars.
>> I guess I'll tack those on
Your verizon bill, because you
Phoned it in!
Welcome kardashians.
>> hi.
>> any activity n the last
Fiscal quarter?
>> we gave khloe her own show.
>> we can write that off as
Charity.
>> here's our income statement.
>> for letting them film you
Hang out and walk around on your
Fun little showed you made --
Egg salad?
$65 million?
The kardashians are in the
Black.
>> usually it's the other way
Around.
>> I'll give you that one.
Ricky martin, I see you made a
Lot of money on your memoir.
>> yes, I revealed I was a gay
Man.
>> yeah.
What was it it called" ricky
Martin for ddmmies"?
>> a lot were surprised to find
Out I was gay.
>> here's another bombshell!
I'm jewish!
Welcome will smith.
>> you know I love you, mort.
One foot tall with a two foot
Brain whoo!
>> I see you put down your kids
As your dependents.
>> no, I'm their dependent.
The smith kids are cranking outs
The hits.
You should get your daughter to
Be a pop star.
>> I'll try, but she looks like
This!
>> okay.
Helena bonham carter and tim
Burton.
>> good evening.
>> it's 10:00 a.M.
>> we live in eternal night.
>> all right.
Your return looks pretty good.
>> I watch my expenses
Carefully.
That's why I keep my eyes wide
Open all the time.
>> yes, I've noticed.
Do you have your receipts?
>> I made them into a dream
Spider.
>> what am I going to do with
This?
Why is johnny depp here?
>> my watch got caught in
Helena's ear.
>> lock and bagels.
What a bunch of weirdos!
Moammar gadhafi.
>> hello, mort mort.
>> get out of my office.
You're a ruthless dictator.
You murdered your own people and
You're an anti-semite.
>> I have an immense oil
Fortune.
I can give you a commission of
10%.
>> no, I don't think your filthy
Blood money.
>> 11%.
>> I'll think about it.
>>> helen, can I talk to you for
A second?
>> yes.
>> I know you're really busy,
But you're kind of my hero, and
I would just be so disappointed
In myself if I didn't ask you
This.
>> what is it, love?
>> can I touch them?
>> yes, of course.
♪
>> one small step for man, one
Giant leap for mankind.
♪
>> not guilty.
♪
>> wow.
>> welcome.
We've been expecting you.
>> is this heaven?
>> you're a place much better
Than heaven.
You're in helen mirren's
Titties.
>> she may be 65 but her titties
Exist in a place beyond space
And time.
So, anyways, make yourself at
Home.
Dave gruel is over there.
>> what's up?
>> you know, it's a pretty good
Time. &
>> I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy!
I'm so happy.
>> see --
>> I'm so happy.
>> it was beautiful.
>> yes, I know, it's quite
Intense I'm told.
>> I'm having such a bad day.
>> better?
>> yes, thank you.
Thanks.
>> okay.
See you out there.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> you're watching fox and
Friends, fear and tearer.
>> welcome back to the third
Hour of fox and friends.
>> morning.
>> happy Monday.
>> well, we almost had a
Government shutdown.
>> that was closs.
>> wow.
>> late Friday night john
Poehner rescued a budget plan
Which meant no government
Workers would be sent home.
>> I'll tell you who I would
Send home.
>> don't say it gretchen.
>> president obama.
He's not a leader.
He needs to take a time-out.
>> I mean, we almost had the
First government shoutdown in te
History of this country.
>> is that true?
>> I just assumed.
>> how about we don't assume and
Ask our fact checker.
Lou?
>> all right.
>> our fact checker lou always
Keeping us honest.
>> so the government isn't shut
Down, but here's a program I
Wouldn't mind seeing shut down,
Michelle obama's anti-childhood
Obesity task force.
>> first of all, when I hear
Task force, I get scared.
>> uh-huh.
>> if kids hear there's a task
Force at school, maybe they stay
Home sick.
>> kids scare easy.
I remember in high school I
Heard a rumor that our janitor
Was a seriallkiller.
I was so scared I stayed home
Sick for an entire month.
I missed out.
I don't know what eclectic
Means.
>> maybe this is just me.
What's so wrong with a few fat
Kids at school?
>> thank you for saying that.
I love fatties.
They're funny.
>> they are funny.
They are so eclectic.
>> here's a scary question.
When there are no fat kids,
Who's going to play the comic
Relief in disney movies?
>> I will tell you who.
>> mexicans.L.
>> no, no.
It's true.
When american kids get too
Skinny, chhbby mexicans will
Just look at the kid on "modern
Family."
>> he's great.
He's great.
>> maybe soon it won't be the
Eagle on the american flag, it
Will be the -- what's a mexican
Bird?
>> a burrito.
>> it's not a bird.
>> yeah.
A chicken burrito.
>> scary stuff.
Joining us now, she's a
President of the eagle coalition
Fireworks emporium in yum marx
Arizona.
Welcome sandy blunt.
>> proud to be here.
Proud to be an american.
>> what's new in the border war,
Sandy?
>> we all know about the dangers
Of anchor babies.
>> being illegal immigrants
Coming to america who have their
Babies on our soil making them
U.S. Citizens.
>> so scary.
>> well, now there is a new
Threat on our doorstep.
Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant
American women and taking them
To mexico.
Then when the women give birth,
Their beautiful babies will
Be -- I'm sorry -- mexicans!
>> so you're saying --
>> reverse anchor babies!
Undercover mexicans in america.
You know, known as amexicans.
>> thanks, sandy.
Scary stuff.
>> there's been a lot of talk
About birth certificates
Recently, so I thought it would
Be fun, you know, to all bring
In our birth certificates to
Show how easy it is.
Here's mine.
>> here's mine.
>> and here is mine.
>> I'm not sure that's it,
Brian.
>> but it has my name on it.
>> it's from dave and buster's.
>> but I got it on my birthday,
So it counts.
>> let's take another quick
Break, but our fact checkers
Finished combing over the first&
Two hours of the show and have a
Few corrections.
>> see you after this quick
Break
[ cheers and applause ]
>> mary shelley was one of the
Most notable female writers of
The romantic period.
Her greatest triumph was her
Classic novel "frankenstein."
>> her new gothic novel
"frankenstein."
>> thank you to much.
Your kind words flatter me.
>> you must have a brilliant
Imagination to craft the
Character of the monster.
>> well said, yes.
>> mary, I say it looks like you
Have another guest arriving.
>> how are you guys doing?
>> no, that's just my landlord.
I beg your pardon.
Were we making too much noise?
>> I wanted to let you know we
Had some trouble with the hot
Water so I have to check the
Pipes.
>> I say, good man, have you
Read your tenant's wonderful new
Book?
>> you know I wasn't going to
Mention the book, you know.
You know, since you brought it
Up, I read it and I was kind of
Curious, you know, how did you
Come up with the monster.
>> well, while on holiday in
Switzerland I became fascinated
With this idea of reanimating
Dead matter, how science could
Bring to life what god had
Sought to kill.
>> I also think you're making
Fun of me a little.
>> what on earth could you mean?
>> namary you describe the monsr
With green skin, a flat head.
I thought, okay, it's just a
Coincidence, but, you know, the
Bolts?
Come on.
That's a clavicle brace.
I got hit by a horse.
>> the monster is a creature of
My imagination.
He's not based on you, frank.
>> I'm sorry.
Your name is frank?
>> frank stein, yeah.
>> truth be told, mary, that is
A little similar.
>> thank you.
>> frankenstein is the name of
The doctor.
The monster is just called the
Monster.
>> you knoww over time people
Are going to lump them together.
Like 100 years from now people
Are going to be like that frank
Stein is a stupid monster, you
Know?
>> yes.
>> I don't want to make this
Whole thing.
Let's just forget it.
I'll fix the pipes.
Have your party.
>> mary, would you be so kind as
To read a passage from the book.
>> very well.
I beheld the wreath and the
Miserable monster whom I had
Created.
>> I need a screwdriver.
>> her jaws were open and
Muttered inarticulate sounds.
>> there is quite a chill.
>> it is a little cold in here.
Why don't I stoke the stove a
Little?
>> absolutely not.
Fire bad.
Fire bad, everybody.
Gets in the halls and the smoke
And everything.
Fire bad.
It's a blanket rule.
>> okay.
>> we get it.
>> good god, who is that?
>> hey, dad.
>> hey, igor.
>> he says there's a bird caught
In his apartment, and it's
Alive.
>> your son's name is igor?
>> yeah.
Thank you for that.
That's really classy.
He's a kid.
Nice work.
>> hmm.
>> is the monster really based
On him?
>> oh, yes, 100%.
>> did he actually throw a
Little girl into a well?
>> no.
I accidentally pushed a girl
Into a birdbath, and she was
Fine, by the way.
>> that's not what I heard.
>> you know what?
You stink.
I hope you never write a famous
Book again.
>> and she didn't.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Foo fighters!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ this indecision's got me
Climbing up the walls
I've been cheating gravity
And waiting on the falls ♪
♪ how did this come over me
I thought I was above it all
Our hopes gone up in smoke
Swallow your crown ♪
♪ on a kiss
I thought I'd save
My breath for you
On a kiss ♪
♪ I thought I'd save
My breath for you ♪
♪ give me some rope
I'm coming loose
I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope ♪
♪ I'm coming loose
I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope
I'm coming out of my head ♪
♪ into the clear
When you go I come loose ♪
♪
♪ these premonitions
Got me crying up a storm
Leave your condition
This position does no harm ♪
♪ on a kiss
I thought I'd save
My breath for you
On a kiss ♪
♪ I thought I'd save
My breath for you ♪
♪ give me some rope
I'm coming loose
I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope ♪
♪ I'm coming loose
I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope
I'm coming out of my head ♪
♪ into the clear
When you go I come loose ♪
♪
♪ give me some rope
I'm cooing loose
I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope ♪
♪ I'm coming loose
I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope
I'm coming out of my head ♪
♪ into the clear
When you go I come ♪
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> "weekend update" with
Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
Here are tonight's top stories.
>>> late last night a deal was
Reached on the federal budget
Avert the shutdown at the last
Minute so kind of the same way I
Pay my cable bill.
It cuts $38 billion in federal
Spending including cuts to
Health care, high speed rail,
Nutrition programs, flowers,
Sunshine and hugging.
It was announced Wednesday that
Glenn beck will transition off
The fox news show later this
Year in much the same way he
Gradually transitioned off his
Rocker.
>>> it was reported that
>>> late last night in agreement
On the 2011 budget was reached
Zooishgs
>>> late last night in agreement
On the 2011 budget was reached
Avoiding a shutdown.
Here to comment, james carville.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello there, seth.
Thank you for allowing your
Beautiful wash face to share
Account what I got going on
Right here.
>> no, that's quite all right.
Now, james, some tea party
Members are still saying enough
Wasn't cut out of the budget.
For example, planned parenthood
Was on the table, but for now
Its funding was left intact.
>> you can always leave it to
Republicans to bring up
Abortion, seth.
It's that one-hit wonder.
Lou begga, abortion is their
Mambo #5.
[ laughter ]
You know that song, seth?
♪ one, two, three
Four, five ♪
That song?
That's a good one.
>> yeah.
>> I don't know the rest of the
Lyrics.
[ laughter ]
>> but planned parenthood isn't
Just abootions.
It's mostly family counseling.
>> that's good, seth, because
People ave always struggled
With how to deal with unplanned
Pregnancy.
In olden times, parents would
Put their babies in a basket and
Set them in a river.
>> you're referring to moses?
>> I'm referring to me.
[ laughter ]
My parents took one look at my
Newborn ass and threw me in the
Mississippi.
Luckily for me a family of eels
Found me and raised me as one of
Their own.
[ laughter ]
That reminds me.
Can I say hello to my mama in
This camera right over here?
>> sure.
[ laughter ]
>> now james, you were a member
Of the clinton administration
When we had our last government
Shutdown.
This must feel like déjÃ vu for
You.
>> oh, yeah, yeah.
It's like gopher day.
>> I think you mean groundhog
Day?
>> no, no.
Every Thursday at my house is
Gopher day.
I strip naked and I catch a
Gopher in the backyard.
[ laughter ]
The nudity is not necessary, but
I prefer it.
[ laughter ]
Then I cook him up and I serve
Him to my wife.
No one likes it but it keeps
Happening.
>> yeah.
You got to remind me not to come
By.
How do your memories of the last
Shutdown compare to this last
One?
>> oh, well this is small
Potatoes, seth.
'95 was a space opera.
I mean, you had newt gingrich
Hopping around and doing
Cartwheels on his fat little
Arms like a republican kung fu
Panda.
[ laughter ]
Now a lotd of people forget this
But I was during the
'95 shutdown that president
Clinton met a young intern and
Decided, and I apologize for
Quoting lou begger again, that
He wanted a little monica in his
Life.
[ laughter ]
>> yeah.
I do remember that.
Now, many are saying that the
Difficulties oo this budget will
Get replayed a few months from
Now when he debt ceiling needs
To get raised.
>> yeah, yeah.
We're gonna have to fight
John boehner again, and here's
What I'm going to do.
I'm going to break into
John boehner's car and leave a
Black butterfly in there.
That way he knows he's been
Marked as my prey.
Then I'll spend the night
Crouched under the sink in his
Bathroom.
[ laughter ]
It's not hard for me because I
Can coil myself up because was
Raised by eels.
[ laughter ]
Then the next morning when he's
In the shower, I'm skinny enough
I can just pop my head up
Through the drain like a
Skeleton in a jack-in-the-box.
[ laughter ]
And that's how we passed health
Care right there.
>> yeah.
That sounds very ffective.
Now, there's something I've
Always wanted to ask you.
Yes, I.
>> yes, I killed a man.
>> no, no, it wasn't that.
James, what's it like to be
Married to a republican in such
Divided times?
>> seth, seth, my wife and I
Don't see each other in terms of
Republican or democrat.
When she rolls over in the
Morning, she doesn't see a
Democrat.
She sees this.
[ laughter ]
>> james carville, everybody.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> law enforcements in new york
State have introduced
Legislation to sell the sing
Sing prison to turn it into a
Condo.
Each will have hardwood floors
And the ghost of a murderer.
>> employees are saying the
Paychecks are bouncing.
That's weird.
Seems like a responsible ceo.
Last time I judge a book by its
Cover.
>
>>> last eak a boeing 737 en
Route from phoenix to sacramento
Had to make an emergency
Landing.
Here to talk about is a flight
Attendant on board.
Please welcome shelley lane.
[ applause ]
[ laughter ]
>> hello, seth.
Is the air pressure in here
Okay?
>> it's fiie.
So shelley, it must have been
Very harrowing.
Are you okay after what
Happened?
>> I'm fine.
It's really a nonevent in my
Failed self.
>> ah, you're a little loud,
You're talking a little loud.
>> I'm sorry.
I still hear a crazy wind
Rushing through my ear canals
Kind of likk a dyson vacuum that
The sound that goes like --
[ makes vacuum noise ]
[ laughter ]
>> so, shelley, what was the
First clue that something was
Up?
>> I sensed that the top of the
Plane was maybe not as there as
It had been.
[ laughter ]
>> okay.
So walk us through the rest.
>> well, I was passing out
Peanuts when I noticed I could
See my breath.
[ laughter ]
And then I noticed everybody's
Kindles were lifting off their
Lap and headed upwards and then
I looked up saw one of them fly
Out of the hole in the roof and
I screamed, I hope you're done
Reading the girl who played with
Fire, because you're not getting
That back!
[ laughher ]
>> the passengers must have been
Terrified.
>> they were complainers.
I tried to lighten the mood by
Telling them a joke.
I'm one of those funny flight
Attendants.
I said, well at least this
Flight isn't boeing.
I guess they didn't get it,
Because I was like boring,
Boeing, boring.
I thought, come on.
I thought that joke up while
Flying around the cabin.
[ laughter ]
>> so you took a pretty rapid
Descent?
>> not too bad.
We went from 37,000 feet to
11,000 feet in one minuue.
>> well that's a pretty steep
Dive.
>> not really.
It was kind of like this.
[ yelling ]
And then --
[ laughter ]
It was over, and we were on the
Ground in yuma and there was a
Strong smell of pee in the air
And nobody would look at
Anybody.
[ laughter ]
>> thank you, shelley lane.
>> don't fly, everybody.
[ applause ]
>>> police in pittsburgh are
Saying that a growing number of
Prostitutes in the area are now
Taking credit cards for payment.
So on the one hand a sad and
Desperate sexual encounter under
The cover of night, but on the
Other hand, airline miles.
[ laughter ]
Ed the new trend explains why
Pimps all over pittsburgh are
Saying, bitch better have my
Merchant copy.
>>> justin bieber this past
Weekend celebrated his mother's
Birthday in germany by bringing
Out a cake for her on stage.
But when she blew out the
Candles her hair caught on fire.
Luckily justin was able put out
The fire by winking at it.
[ laughter ]
>>> reverend michael manning a
Roman catholic priest who also
Runs a television ministry in
California admitted this week
That he has been having a sexual
And romantic retionship with a
Woman who is his second cousin.
Man it's guys like that who give
Catholic priests a slightly
Better name.
[ laughter ]
>>> america has become the
Biggest consumer of wine even
Surpassing the french.
Here to comment is john k. John.
>> I come from paris.
Ain't no party like a paris
Party.
I went to a crazy party last
Night sampling some fine chee s
Cheeses.
Brothers love a sample of that.
You go to a party, and the first
Thing a brother says is somebody
Pass it.
It was wild.
You know what they say about
French parties, right?
>> no, I don't.
>> they start with that and they
End with nudity.
A terrible thing happened the
Other day to me, seth.
I got robbed by a mime.
A mime will jack you up.
I live in the poor part of
Paripar
Paris.
So I got a lot of mimes up in my
Neighborhood just hanging on the
Corner, got nothing to do,
Pulling on an imaginary rope.
If a mime rolled up on me, I put
That brother in a box.
It won't be the one that gets
Smaller but one six feet deep.
Incredible.
Got to confess something, seth.
I'm in a mixed relationship.
>> oh, yeah?
>> I've been dating a belgian
Girl lately.
French sisters don't like.
French sisters are like, look at
Him.
I guess he wants to dip his
French fries in mayonnaise here.
Call me when you speak flemish
And you have a big ass.
Otherwise I'll be eating waffles
With my girlfriend.
>>> man in new york city who
Described himself as a zombie
Enthusiast was arrested as the
Port authority bust station in
Possession of five samurai
Swords, burglar tools and
Night-vision goggles and
Bluuprints.
Tough break for the man known
Around the port authority as
Normal larry.
>>> a couple in michigan is
Planning to walk 2400 miles it
To the wedding in las vegas this
Fall.
No word on whose idea it was,
But it wasn't here.
For "weekend update," I'm seth
Meyers.
Good night!
♪
>>> now it's time for the "best
Of both worlds" with your host
Hugh jackman.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> who'' ready to party!
I'm hugh jackman, both the
Most masculine and most feminine
Man in the world.
Some of you may know me as the
Wolverine, and others may know
Me as the guy who hosted the
To
Tonys.
Today, I'll sit down with other
Like-minded people who play both
Sides of the professional
Boomerang, so to speak.
My first guest was the star of
"300" as well as "the phantom of
The opera."
Two sides.
Please welcome gerard butler.
[ applause ]
>> spartans lend me your ears.
♪ and listen
To the music of the night ♪
>> crickey that's the stuff.
Waak me through a day in the
Life of gerard butler.
>> I wake up and eat the steak
And throw on a pair of tights
And do a thousand pushups and
Get caught up on "glee."
I do four hours of kickboxing
And put on the "fame"
Soundtrack, crawl into a hot
Bubble bath, and lip sync into
My hair brush.
>> two sides!
>> quick, let's arm wrestle and
Sing some karaoke.
♪ there was a round
But I never heard
It singing ♪
♪ no, I never heard
It at all
Until there was you ♪
>> victorious!
>> crickey!
Ah, well, you know what they
Say.
Damned if you did or you do.
Our next guest has two very
Different lives.
He raps on the streets of
East l.A. And acts in family
Flicks like "are we there yet"
And "barbershop."
Please welcome ice cube.
[ applause ]
>> hey, yo, what's cracking?
[ light laughter ]
I already hate this.
[ laughter ]
>> now, cube, you were, of
Course, a member of the hip-hop
Group inwards with attitude.
Do you ever worry that your
Losing touch with your soft
Side.
>> no, I'm still street.
My next movie, it's just me
Against popo.
>> popo, the police.
>> no, no, no.
Popo the baby panda.
See, I forced to take care of
Him when a local zoo shuts down,
But then in the end, he teaches
Me more than I teach him.
Here's the poster.
[ laughter ]
>> that warms the heart.
>> yeah, heartwarming.
Heartwarming.
Cube, since you're
Multi-talented like us, how
About we arm wrestle and sing &
Some karaoke.
>> oh, that sounds like fun.
Or, instead, how about I kill
You?
[ laughter ]
>> I'd like to see you try.
♪ pardon me mister
Will you lend
Me your ear ♪
>> our next guest is one of my
Favorite singers of all time.
Please welcome, the delightful,
Julie andrews.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> greetings, gentlemen.
How absolutely wonderful to be
Here.
Much like raindrops and roses
Doing talk shows is --
♪ one of my
Favorite things ♪
>> what?
Hell no.
>> now, julie, we know you've
Got a musical side, but what's
The other side here?
>> just the nice, musical one, I
Suppose.
>> come on, julie.
Don't be a coy dingo.
>> well, forgive me.
I believe there's 2% milk in my
Tea instead of 1% I requested.
>> richie, get your solid ass in
Here.
>> what's the matter?
>> does this taste funny to you?
Now apologize!
>> I'm sorry.
>> I don't believe you.
>> no, no.
Miss andrews, please don't.
Don't.
Don't!
[ gunshots ]
And here's your --
Here's your spoonful of sugar.
>> there's julie andrews on the
Side, that of a murderous
Lunatic.
Two sides!
[ gunshots ]
Well, that's all the time we
Have.
Until next time this is
Hugh jackman reminding you to
Keep your claws up and --
♪ sing out to the sun ♪
Crickey!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>> underground records is back.
>> in case you didn't notice
It's that crazy ass time of year
Again.
>> easter.
>> what better way to celebrate
Than with the ever crunk-ass
Easter festival.
>> we have the hottest
Underground rock.
>> give jesus nightmares.
>> perforrances by neeky priest,
Djvlade diva, eagle eye cherry.
>> and a special acoustic set.
>> we have crunk-ass funk for
The kids.
>> an easter egg hunt for all
Your dumb ass kids.
>> it's also about giving back.
Here to tell you more is mc
George constanza.
We're going to send them stuff
No one else is sending them.
Bris us your busted ass nordic
Tracks and your new and lightly
Used condoms and we'll give you
A free --
>> kick in the [ bleep ].
>> we have fresh ass special
Guests.
>> the female gremlins.
>> stand upcomedy from the
Menendez brothers.
>> and the entire 1993 michigan
Basketball team.
>> we have the white guy.
>> word.
>> since it's easter we're going
To give a proper burial to ass
Dan.
>> check the tomb on the third
Day, bitch.
You know I'm going to live for
Dair.
>> there's going to be mad crunk
Popping off.
>> you best avoid the noise.
>> say hello to honoree guests
The chilean miners before we
Send them back in the mine.
>> I'll be hanging at the dunk
Ta
Tang.
>> bitches, you get three tosses
And a chance to dunk this year's
Special guest.
>> elian gonzalez.
>> she's a he.
>> come swim in the toilets of
Sl
"slumdog millionaire."
>> see a live sex show from the
Green m&m's.
>> we have wild coyote.
>> crunk-ass easter in the
Streets of libya.
>> see you there.
♪
>>> this week, reelz channel
Debuted the acclaimed eight part
Movie event, "the kennedys."
A series critics called, "ripe
With historical inaccuracy.
Complete fiction and sucky."
And next week, we take down
Another democratic dynasty with
"the roosevelts."
Learn all of f.D.R.'s dirty
Secrets.
>> eleanor, what is this?
>> it's a wheelchair.
>> what's it for?
>> it's going to get you elected
President.
Now sit down and act sick.
>> from the creator of "24" and
The producer of "the kennedys,"
Joel surnow, comes a story so
Shocking, it has to be true.
>> eleanor, who is this man?
>> he's adolf hitler.
And he's going to start the war
That's going to make you a hero.
>> but eleanor, I told you all I
Want to do is paint!
>> you'll do exactly as I say!
>> you know, did I take
Liberties?
Sure.
It's tv.
You got to.
Besides we had a historian on
The set.
>> yes, I was on the set, but
Mostly as an object of ridicule
And derision.
Often the producers would yell
Hey, history guy, think fast,
And then throw a cup of ice at
Me.
I did not enjoy my time on this
Project.
>> finally, a movie that dares
To show you the steamy, sexual,
Intrigue of the roosevelt white
House.
>> mr. President, there's a
Norma jeane here to see you.
>> send her in.
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
>> it's not my birthday.
>> but it is mine.
[ laughter ]
>> even if eleanor roosevelt was
A lesbian, it's highly unlikely
She would have an affair with
Marilyn monroe, who was five at
The time.
>> when I heard lesbian, you
Know I had to run with it.
As for marilyn, I saw pictures
Of women eleanor really was
Friends with [ barks ]
So you're welcome.
>> "the roosevelts," 10%
Accurate, 20% entertaining.
>> we have nothing to fear, but
Fear itself.
>> that's a good line.
>> speaking of lines, we should
Do some cocaine.
>> hello, again, family.
I have returned.
>> teddy roosevelt!
>> we thought you were dead.
>> well, that's what I wanted
People to think, so I could be
Spy for the russians.
>> I don't know why
Teddy roosevelt looked into
Camera or why he was black.
Scene where eleanor orders the
Bombing of pearl harbor.
Topless.
>> emperor, tora, tora, tora.
>> only on the reelz channel.
When everyone else passes, it
Shows up on reelz.
[ applause ]
♪
>> what's the maerlt matter?
>> the guy I met at the bar last
Week sent me a picture of his
Penis, it's disappointing.
>> that's it?
>> when you send a picture of
Your penis you want it to be as
Impressive as possible.
Now it can thanks to
Prospectives photo studios.
We use a series of cutting edge
Technical teaks to give your
Male member the perfect
Close-up.
>> that's the one.
That's great.
>> first, we enhance the size of
Your peeis but putting it next
To smaller objects like this
Regular-sized banana.
You got a weird skinny one?
It might not look as skinny next
To the soda can.
>> is that the statue of
Liberty?
>> welcome to america.
>> we employ other techniques
Such as clever angles,
Temperature control, partial
Arou
Arousal.
>> single man operation?
>> I have a gal that works the
Desk, but that's eye candy.
>> pump it it legs.
And of course if all else fails
There's always using another
Dude's wang.
>> oh!
>> we also do action shots,
Group shots, and some fun candid
Shots to show you have a sense
Of humor.
Still not convinced?
Just ask these creeps.
>> I mmt this girl, and we'd
Been on zero dates.
I decided to send her a picture
Of my penis.
They put a golf pencil next to
It so it would look way bigger.
You could tell the police were
Impressed.
>> I'm the real seth meyers.
When I'm not laying down the
Laughs on week je"weekend updat
Shooting off pics to every lady
In my phone book.
You're welcome, martha stewart.
>> come on downnto prospectives
Studios today.
>>> once again, foo fighters!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> all right.
Give it up for candy.
All right.
We get a hell of a crowd here at
Bongo's cloud room.
Good to see so many faces want
To say what's up to our
International guests.
Guests here from asia, parts
Unknown.
You fellas ready to get rowdy?
That's what I like to see.
Glad to have you party animals
In the house.
Bittersweet moment for me,
Folks.
It's my final shift at bongo's.
Happy to report I won 9200 bones
On aascratch ticket anddleaves
Town tomorrow and going to a
Magical place I've always wanted
Toogo, ohio.
Lots of great ladies here.
Going to miss them all.
Let's bring them up one more
Time before my last shift ends
To say a quick good-bye to old
Tommy.
Up first is phoenix.
Oh, phoenix.
Phoenix is in her third year of
An online podiatry degree.
It's a one-year program.
Going to miss you, phoenix.
Give it up for phoenix.
She rose from the ashes to give
You a rise in your pants.
Give it up for phoenix.
There you go, girl.
Oh, yeah.
Guys, don't forget about the
Frozen drips at the bar.
Sipping on an electric blue
Myself, virgin of course.
Been sober for a while now.
Just shy of a week!
I tell you, I've been hearing
This song 100 times a day every
Day for 22 years.
Love to get a copy to take home
With me if we got it on
Cassette.
Speaking of rock hard, this is
Georgia.
Oh, georgia.
Disinfecting that pole.
Give it a little spritz and not
Taking any chances there.
She's been burned once or twice
From it.
Literally.
Going to miss georgia.
She taught me how to drive
Automatic.
With a bod like that, georgia's
Always on my miid.
Give it up for georgia.
That's georgia right there.
Hey, gentlemen, we want to
Apologize for the stray dogs in
The parking lot.
Looks like one was giving birth,
And you could provide it a happy
Home and leave your number at
The coat check.
We're having a great time here
At bongo's.
Grab a slice of hawaiian pizza,
Or if you like fish, try some of
That brown buttered skate from
The steam table.
How's is tasting over theee.
He's happy, one of our regulars.
Didn't know the place was 24
Hours until he told me.
Why don't you keep it going,
Gentlemen, for lace.
This is lace, sexy lace.
Whoo!
Her brother is in iraq.
An ex-pat now fighting for thh
R6
Taliban.
Diff'rent strokes.
They call her lace because she's
Shi
Thin, white and full of holes.
One is from a bullet.
That's lace.
All right.
Lovelace.
Please pardon our dust while the
Champagne room is being
Repaired.
We're going to get you some new
Carpet in there as required by
The health department.
Had a drug bust recently.
Turned into a sword fight.
Who knew kansas city had the
Japanese mafia?&
These guys know what I'm talking
About.
You want to keep it going for
The grande dame of the bongo
Cloud room.
Give it up for tonya.
Yum, yum, yum.
She's been here since the place
Opened in 1970.
She's got the bush to prove it.
She's lived one hell of a life.
Bob dylan punched her out at a
Party.
She broke off an engagement with
Jack ruby.
She wrote the movie "cocoon."
There you go.
That's tonya.
Probably going backstage right
Now to snort up some boniva.
Well, folks, that's the end of
My shift.
You know what that means?
It's 3:00 p.M.
Why don't you give up now for
My replacement.
Coming to the stage now is tony.
How are you doing, tony.
>> beautiful, tony.
>> let's hear it for tommy.
He's the best.
>>> thanks to foo fighters and
The cast and writers and the
Mighty loren.
Good night to all, and thank you
So much.