1
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:20,985
Been locked in intense

2
00:00:21,053 --> 00:00:22,053
Negotiations or the federal

3
00:00:22,121 --> 00:00:22,954
Budget.

4
00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:23,922
Looming over these negotiations

5
00:00:23,989 --> 00:00:25,290
Was a threat that without a

6
00:00:25,357 --> 00:00:27,192
Budget agreement, the federal

7
00:00:27,259 --> 00:00:30,395
Government would shut down as of

8
00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:31,763
12:01 a.M. Today.

9
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:33,798
Tonight I am happy to report

10
00:00:33,866 --> 00:00:35,500
That shortly before the

11
00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:36,868
Deadline, an agreement on the

12
00:00:36,936 --> 00:00:39,237
Budget was reached.

13
00:00:39,305 --> 00:00:40,305
And the government shutdown has

14
00:00:40,372 --> 00:00:41,706
Thus been averted.

15
00:00:41,774 --> 00:00:43,675
This agreement is truly

16
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:45,510
Something we can all be proud

17
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:45,777
Of.

18
00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:48,413
And in a true example of

19
00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:49,981
Compromise, I am pleased to say

20
00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:53,017
No one got everything he wanted

21
00:00:53,085 --> 00:00:53,651
And everyone walked away

22
00:00:53,719 --> 00:00:57,288
Unhappy.

23
00:00:57,356 --> 00:01:02,026
Senator reid and I are very

24
00:01:02,094 --> 00:01:03,995
Unhappy over the deep cuts.

25
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,330
Congressman boehner is unhappy

26
00:01:05,397 --> 00:01:07,832
The cuts weren't deep enough.

27
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:09,601
The tea party caucus is unhappy

28
00:01:09,668 --> 00:01:10,902
With the size of the cuts and

29
00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:13,938
The fact I wasn't born in

30
00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:14,272
America.

31
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,707
The capitol building cleaning

32
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:17,242
Staff is unhappy with the mess

33
00:01:17,309 --> 00:01:18,743
We left after our meetings.

34
00:01:18,811 --> 00:01:19,878
Congressional interns were

35
00:01:19,945 --> 00:01:21,479
Unhappy to work late on Friday,

36
00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:24,449
A night they reserve for casual,

37
00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:27,218
Commitment-free hookups.

38
00:01:27,286 --> 00:01:29,988
Members of the military are very

39
00:01:30,055 --> 00:01:33,424
Unhappy of being used as pawns

40
00:01:33,492 --> 00:01:34,459
While nonessential government

41
00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:36,194
Workers are upset being reminded

42
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:36,828
Once again that they were

43
00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:40,198
Nonessential.

44
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,132
"the new york times" is unhappy

45
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,168
As they were planning a 12-part

46
00:01:43,235 --> 00:01:46,304
Series on how the shutdown is

47
00:01:46,372 --> 00:01:48,139
Affecting the homeless and kids

48
00:01:48,207 --> 00:01:50,909
Are deeply unhappy that their

49
00:01:50,976 --> 00:01:52,877
Family vacations to national

50
00:01:52,945 --> 00:01:53,545
Parks will go forward as

51
00:01:53,612 --> 00:01:56,381
Planned.

52
00:01:56,448 --> 00:01:57,816
Mitt romney is unhappy with the

53
00:01:57,883 --> 00:02:03,021
Size of the deficificit in gene

54
00:02:03,088 --> 00:02:06,124
And his inability to connect on

55
00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:06,658
An emotional level.

56
00:02:06,725 --> 00:02:09,194
Dennis kucinich is unhappy for

57
00:02:09,261 --> 00:02:13,231
Never being picked for teams as

58
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:16,401
A child while congressman dale

59
00:02:16,468 --> 00:02:17,869
Humphries is unhappy he's

60
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,839
Trapped in a loveless marriage.

61
00:02:20,906 --> 00:02:22,473
Senator john mccain is unhappy

62
00:02:22,541 --> 00:02:23,842
And he'll always unhappy.

63
00:02:23,909 --> 00:02:26,010
Finally fans of "Saturday night

64
00:02:26,078 --> 00:02:26,578
Live" are unhappy.

65
00:02:26,645 --> 00:02:28,613
They tuned in expecting to see

66
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,248
The show and instead got this

67
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:30,882
Presidential address.

68
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:32,584
While others aren't happy that

69
00:02:32,651 --> 00:02:34,552
The show is still on the air.

70
00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,821
In closing I live you with this,

71
00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:38,356
Whenever you feel like our

72
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:39,457
Government just doesn't work or

73
00:02:39,525 --> 00:02:42,727
Have doubts about this

74
00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:44,762
Nev-ending sfermt experiment in

75
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:45,964
Democracy called america, I ask

76
00:02:46,031 --> 00:02:47,966
You to remember this night and

77
00:02:48,033 --> 00:02:50,101
How unhappy we all were.

78
00:02:50,169 --> 00:02:54,038
How profoundly, deeply,

79
00:02:54,106 --> 00:02:57,942
Miserably unhappy and be proud.

80
00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:00,278
May god bless america, and live

81
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,713
From new york, it's Saturday

82
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:06,451
Night!

83
00:03:06,518 --> 00:03:09,020
[ cheers and applause ]

84
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:09,587
♪

85
00:03:09,655 --> 00:03:11,022
>> announcer: It's "Saturday

86
00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:16,160
Night live"!

87
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,570
Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television

88
00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,005
-- <font color="#ffff00">Captions by vitac</font> --
<font color="#00ffff">www.Vitac.Com</font>

89
00:04:10,382 --> 00:04:13,618
>> announce>> announcep >>-

90
00:04:39,645 --> 00:04:40,078
Musical guest --

91
00:04:40,145 --> 00:04:40,511
Foo fighters

92
00:04:40,779 --> 00:04:41,312
And your host --

93
00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:42,747
Helen mirren

94
00:04:44,216 --> 00:04:49,854
[ cheers and applause ]

95
00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:50,455
Ladies and gentlemen,

96
00:04:50,522 --> 00:04:50,989
Helen mirren!

97
00:04:51,056 --> 00:04:52,390
♪

98
00:04:52,458 --> 00:05:09,073
[ cheers and applause ]

99
00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:10,875
>>> thank you.

100
00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:12,310
Thank you.

101
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:16,481
Thank you very much.

102
00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:19,050
>>> it's so wonderful to be here

103
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:20,985
Hosngg"Saturday night live."

104
00:05:21,053 --> 00:05:22,553
Since most people know from my

105
00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:25,156
Playing the queen, I was afraid

106
00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:26,791
They'd make me play a queen in

107
00:05:26,859 --> 00:05:27,291
Every sketch.

108
00:05:27,359 --> 00:05:29,027
They did that last week with

109
00:05:29,094 --> 00:05:29,894
Elton john.

110
00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:31,763
I'd like to say something for

111
00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:32,163
The record.

112
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,232
Although I played the queen, I'm

113
00:05:34,299 --> 00:05:35,266
Nothing like her.

114
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:46,844
Would the queen do this?

115
00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:47,979
Or this?

116
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:52,683
[ laughter ]

117
00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:54,652
>> I may have been appointed the

118
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,554
Dame of the british empire.

119
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:58,890
I'm not all scones and teacups.

120
00:05:58,957 --> 00:06:01,159
I'm more business indicates and

121
00:06:01,226 --> 00:06:05,396
D cups.

122
00:06:05,464 --> 00:06:06,164
♪ they're ain't nothing like a

123
00:06:06,231 --> 00:06:06,431
Dame

124
00:06:06,498 --> 00:06:06,998
Nothing in the world

125
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,934
There ain't nothing ♪

126
00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:10,435
♪ you can name

127
00:06:10,502 --> 00:06:11,135
That is anything like a dame

128
00:06:11,203 --> 00:06:11,803
She's been honored by the

129
00:06:11,870 --> 00:06:12,203
Royals ♪

130
00:06:12,271 --> 00:06:16,474
♪ it's a most exclusive club

131
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,008
But I'd rather pound

132
00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:17,408
A pint back

133
00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:18,242
With some wankers in a pub ♪

134
00:06:18,310 --> 00:06:18,709
[ laughter ]

135
00:06:18,777 --> 00:06:19,377
♪ she is regal and demur

136
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,612
She's exactly like the queen

137
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:22,313
Have you ever seen "caligula"

138
00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:27,318
I'm in the orgy scene ♪

139
00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:28,453
♪ she is classy

140
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:29,020
She's refined

141
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:29,554
From her head down

142
00:06:29,621 --> 00:06:31,289
To her shoes ♪

143
00:06:31,356 --> 00:06:32,123
♪ you're getting

144
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:33,257
It all wrong

145
00:06:33,325 --> 00:06:33,825
I smoke cigars and

146
00:06:33,892 --> 00:06:35,827
I have tattoos ♪

147
00:06:35,894 --> 00:06:36,961
♪ look, I'd show you them

148
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,362
Right now ♪

149
00:06:38,430 --> 00:06:39,530
>> hey, hey, hey, you are a

150
00:06:39,598 --> 00:06:40,064
Lady.

151
00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:40,798
>> guys, I'd like to see what's

152
00:06:40,866 --> 00:06:42,400
Under there.

153
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:42,934
[ in unison ]

154
00:06:43,001 --> 00:06:47,205
>> sandberg!

155
00:06:47,272 --> 00:06:49,474
>> can you blame me?

156
00:06:49,541 --> 00:06:51,776
♪ there ain't nothing like a

157
00:06:51,844 --> 00:06:54,145
Dame

158
00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:57,715
And we're very glad that she

159
00:06:57,783 --> 00:06:59,117
Came ♪

160
00:06:59,184 --> 00:06:59,650
>> ahoy!

161
00:06:59,718 --> 00:07:00,251
♪

162
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:01,385
♪ helen mirren's got funk

163
00:07:01,453 --> 00:07:05,923
That much is clear

164
00:07:05,991 --> 00:07:08,759
She is finer than everyone here

165
00:07:08,827 --> 00:07:13,397
She's a girly, girly, sexy ♪

166
00:07:13,465 --> 00:07:15,066
Talented dame ♪

167
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:17,068
[ cheers and applause ]

168
00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:18,769
>>> we have a great show.

169
00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:19,437
The foo fighters are here.

170
00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:20,771
So stick around.

171
00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:21,339
We'll be right back.

172
00:07:21,406 --> 00:07:22,206
[ cheers and applause ]

173
00:07:51,891 --> 00:07:54,526
>>> james franco, see you left

174
00:07:54,593 --> 00:07:55,460
Occupation blank.

175
00:07:55,528 --> 00:07:57,529
>> I didn't know which job do

176
00:07:57,596 --> 00:08:00,198
Put down, filmmaker, conceptual

177
00:08:00,266 --> 00:08:02,901
Artist, matador, sniper.

178
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:04,569
>> I'll put down actor.

179
00:08:04,637 --> 00:08:06,104
Any write-offs?

180
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:07,672
>> I had some expenses when I

181
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,574
Hosted the oscars.

182
00:08:09,642 --> 00:08:12,811
>> I guess I'll tack those on

183
00:08:12,878 --> 00:08:13,645
Your verizon bill, because you

184
00:08:13,713 --> 00:08:24,556
Phoned it in!

185
00:08:24,623 --> 00:08:26,257
Welcome kardashians.

186
00:08:26,325 --> 00:08:27,058
>> hi.

187
00:08:27,126 --> 00:08:29,260
>> any activity  n the last

188
00:08:29,328 --> 00:08:30,495
Fiscal quarter?

189
00:08:30,563 --> 00:08:35,100
>> we gave khloe her own show.

190
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:37,035
>> we can write that off as

191
00:08:37,103 --> 00:08:37,402
Charity.

192
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:41,373
>> here's our income statement.

193
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,974
>> for letting them film you

194
00:08:43,042 --> 00:08:44,776
Hang out and walk around on your

195
00:08:44,844 --> 00:08:50,215
Fun little showed you made --

196
00:08:50,282 --> 00:08:51,249
Egg salad?

197
00:08:51,317 --> 00:08:52,484
$65 million?

198
00:08:52,551 --> 00:08:55,653
The kardashians are in the

199
00:08:55,721 --> 00:08:55,987
Black.

200
00:08:56,055 --> 00:08:56,688
>> usually it's the other way

201
00:08:56,756 --> 00:09:00,024
Around.

202
00:09:00,092 --> 00:09:06,831
>> I'll give you that one.

203
00:09:06,899 --> 00:09:09,234
Ricky martin, I see you made a

204
00:09:09,301 --> 00:09:11,102
Lot of money on your memoir.

205
00:09:11,170 --> 00:09:13,238
>> yes, I revealed I was a gay

206
00:09:13,305 --> 00:09:13,505
Man.

207
00:09:13,572 --> 00:09:13,872
>> yeah.

208
00:09:13,939 --> 00:09:17,976
What was it it called" ricky

209
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,879
Martin for ddmmies"?

210
00:09:20,946 --> 00:09:22,414
>> a lot were surprised to find

211
00:09:22,481 --> 00:09:23,548
Out I was gay.

212
00:09:23,616 --> 00:09:24,983
>> here's another bombshell!

213
00:09:25,050 --> 00:09:33,057
I'm jewish!

214
00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:35,460
Welcome will smith.

215
00:09:35,528 --> 00:09:38,463
>> you know I love you, mort.

216
00:09:38,531 --> 00:09:41,166
One foot tall with a two foot

217
00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:41,800
Brain whoo!

218
00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:45,136
>> I see you put down your kids

219
00:09:45,204 --> 00:09:46,504
As your dependents.

220
00:09:46,572 --> 00:09:48,273
>> no, I'm their dependent.

221
00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:49,841
The smith kids are cranking outs

222
00:09:49,909 --> 00:09:50,842
The hits.

223
00:09:50,910 --> 00:09:51,643
You should get your daughter to

224
00:09:51,710 --> 00:09:52,477
Be a pop star.

225
00:09:52,545 --> 00:09:53,478
>> I'll try, but she looks like

226
00:09:53,546 --> 00:10:04,289
This!

227
00:10:04,356 --> 00:10:08,092
>> okay.

228
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,727
Helena bonham carter and tim

229
00:10:09,795 --> 00:10:10,061
Burton.

230
00:10:10,129 --> 00:10:10,695
>> good evening.

231
00:10:10,763 --> 00:10:11,496
>> it's 10:00 a.M.

232
00:10:11,564 --> 00:10:16,668
>> we live in eternal night.

233
00:10:16,735 --> 00:10:17,202
>> all right.

234
00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:18,736
Your return looks pretty good.

235
00:10:18,804 --> 00:10:20,305
>> I watch my expenses

236
00:10:20,372 --> 00:10:20,672
Carefully.

237
00:10:20,739 --> 00:10:22,440
That's why I keep my eyes wide

238
00:10:22,508 --> 00:10:23,475
Open all the time.

239
00:10:23,542 --> 00:10:24,976
>> yes, I've noticed.

240
00:10:25,044 --> 00:10:27,145
Do you have your receipts?

241
00:10:27,213 --> 00:10:28,112
>> I made them into a dream

242
00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:29,948
Spider.

243
00:10:30,015 --> 00:10:31,916
>> what am I going to do with

244
00:10:31,984 --> 00:10:32,484
This?

245
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:36,921
Why is johnny depp here?

246
00:10:36,989 --> 00:10:40,625
>> my watch got caught in

247
00:10:40,693 --> 00:10:42,126
Helena's ear.

248
00:10:42,194 --> 00:10:43,928
>> lock and bagels.

249
00:10:43,996 --> 00:10:48,700
What a bunch of weirdos!

250
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:51,236
Moammar gadhafi.

251
00:10:51,303 --> 00:10:52,203
>> hello, mort mort.

252
00:10:52,271 --> 00:10:53,705
>> get out of my office.

253
00:10:53,772 --> 00:10:56,407
You're a ruthless dictator.

254
00:10:56,475 --> 00:10:57,876
You murdered your own people and

255
00:10:57,943 --> 00:11:00,311
You're an anti-semite.

256
00:11:00,379 --> 00:11:02,313
>> I have an immense oil

257
00:11:02,381 --> 00:11:02,680
Fortune.

258
00:11:02,748 --> 00:11:03,915
I can give you a commission of

259
00:11:03,983 --> 00:11:04,215
10%.

260
00:11:04,283 --> 00:11:05,650
>> no, I don't think your filthy

261
00:11:05,718 --> 00:11:06,451
Blood money.

262
00:11:06,519 --> 00:11:12,056
>> 11%.

263
00:11:12,124 --> 00:11:15,193
>> I'll think about it.

264
00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:26,571
>>> helen, can I talk to you for

265
00:11:26,639 --> 00:11:27,038
A second?

266
00:11:27,106 --> 00:11:27,739
>> yes.

267
00:11:27,806 --> 00:11:29,173
>> I know you're really busy,

268
00:11:29,241 --> 00:11:31,743
But you're kind of my hero, and

269
00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:34,479
I would just be so disappointed

270
00:11:34,547 --> 00:11:36,314
In myself if I didn't ask you

271
00:11:36,382 --> 00:11:36,614
This.

272
00:11:36,682 --> 00:11:37,949
>> what is it, love?

273
00:11:38,017 --> 00:11:39,984
>> can I touch them?

274
00:11:40,052 --> 00:11:43,721
>> yes, of course.

275
00:11:45,391 --> 00:11:55,533
♪

276
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:58,202
>> one small step for man, one

277
00:11:58,270 --> 00:12:01,005
Giant leap for mankind.

278
00:12:02,908 --> 00:12:11,082
♪

279
00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:21,859
>> not guilty.

280
00:12:23,395 --> 00:12:29,500
♪

281
00:12:29,568 --> 00:12:31,069
>> wow.

282
00:12:31,136 --> 00:12:32,270
>> welcome.

283
00:12:32,338 --> 00:12:34,138
We've been expecting you.

284
00:12:34,206 --> 00:12:35,239
>> is this heaven?

285
00:12:35,307 --> 00:12:41,279
>> you're a place much better

286
00:12:41,347 --> 00:12:42,246
Than heaven.

287
00:12:42,314 --> 00:12:46,818
You're in helen mirren's

288
00:12:46,885 --> 00:12:47,151
Titties.

289
00:12:47,219 --> 00:12:50,755
>> she may be 65 but her titties

290
00:12:50,823 --> 00:12:52,890
Exist in a place beyond space

291
00:12:52,958 --> 00:12:56,628
And time.

292
00:12:56,695 --> 00:13:00,698
So, anyways, make yourself at

293
00:13:00,766 --> 00:13:00,999
Home.

294
00:13:01,066 --> 00:13:03,267
Dave gruel is over there.

295
00:13:03,335 --> 00:13:04,702
>> what's up?

296
00:13:04,770 --> 00:13:06,437
>> you know, it's a pretty good

297
00:13:06,505 --> 00:13:06,771
Time. &

298
00:13:06,772 --> 00:13:07,605
>> I'm so happy.

299
00:13:07,673 --> 00:13:08,339
I'm so happy.

300
00:13:08,407 --> 00:13:11,643
I'm so happy!

301
00:13:11,710 --> 00:13:14,012
I'm so happy.

302
00:13:14,079 --> 00:13:15,213
>> see --

303
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,881
>> I'm so happy.

304
00:13:16,949 --> 00:13:17,915
>> it was beautiful.

305
00:13:17,983 --> 00:13:19,717
>> yes, I know, it's quite

306
00:13:19,785 --> 00:13:22,020
Intense I'm told.

307
00:13:22,087 --> 00:13:31,929
>> I'm having such a bad day.

308
00:13:31,997 --> 00:13:32,864
>> better?

309
00:13:32,931 --> 00:13:34,799
>> yes, thank you.

310
00:13:34,867 --> 00:13:35,133
Thanks.

311
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:35,667
>> okay.

312
00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:38,136
See you out there.

313
00:13:38,203 --> 00:13:40,972
[ cheers and applause ]

314
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:44,809
>>> you're watching fox and

315
00:13:44,877 --> 00:13:46,711
Friends, fear and tearer.

316
00:13:46,779 --> 00:13:48,112
>> welcome back to the third

317
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:50,715
Hour of fox and friends.

318
00:13:50,783 --> 00:13:51,816
>> morning.

319
00:13:51,884 --> 00:13:53,551
>> happy Monday.

320
00:13:53,619 --> 00:13:55,319
>> well, we almost had a

321
00:13:55,387 --> 00:13:56,087
Government shutdown.

322
00:13:56,155 --> 00:13:57,989
>> that was closs.

323
00:13:58,057 --> 00:13:58,923
>> wow.

324
00:13:58,991 --> 00:14:00,324
>> late Friday night john

325
00:14:00,392 --> 00:14:02,527
Poehner rescued a budget plan

326
00:14:02,594 --> 00:14:03,995
Which meant no government

327
00:14:04,063 --> 00:14:05,129
Workers would be sent home.

328
00:14:05,197 --> 00:14:06,564
>> I'll tell you who I would

329
00:14:06,632 --> 00:14:07,498
Send home.

330
00:14:07,566 --> 00:14:14,272
>> don't say it gretchen.

331
00:14:14,339 --> 00:14:15,073
>> president obama.

332
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:15,807
He's not a leader.

333
00:14:15,874 --> 00:14:17,508
He needs to take a time-out.

334
00:14:17,576 --> 00:14:23,081
>> I mean, we almost had the

335
00:14:23,148 --> 00:14:24,482
First government shoutdown in te

336
00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:25,550
History of this country.

337
00:14:25,617 --> 00:14:26,551
>> is that true?

338
00:14:26,618 --> 00:14:28,553
>> I just assumed.

339
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:30,521
>> how about we don't assume and

340
00:14:30,589 --> 00:14:32,523
Ask our fact checker.

341
00:14:32,591 --> 00:14:32,790
Lou?

342
00:14:32,858 --> 00:14:35,693
>> all right.

343
00:14:35,761 --> 00:14:37,895
>> our fact checker lou always

344
00:14:37,963 --> 00:14:38,863
Keeping us honest.

345
00:14:38,931 --> 00:14:40,598
>> so the government isn't shut

346
00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:42,400
Down, but here's a program I

347
00:14:42,468 --> 00:14:45,203
Wouldn't mind seeing shut down,

348
00:14:45,270 --> 00:14:48,840
Michelle obama's anti-childhood

349
00:14:48,907 --> 00:14:49,507
Obesity task force.

350
00:14:49,575 --> 00:14:51,042
>> first of all, when I hear

351
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:52,810
Task force, I get scared.

352
00:14:52,878 --> 00:14:53,578
>> uh-huh.

353
00:14:53,645 --> 00:14:55,646
>> if kids hear there's a task

354
00:14:55,714 --> 00:14:58,816
Force at school, maybe they stay

355
00:14:58,884 --> 00:15:00,351
Home sick.

356
00:15:00,419 --> 00:15:02,320
>> kids scare easy.

357
00:15:02,387 --> 00:15:03,154
I remember in high school I

358
00:15:03,222 --> 00:15:04,689
Heard a rumor that our janitor

359
00:15:04,757 --> 00:15:06,124
Was a seriallkiller.

360
00:15:06,191 --> 00:15:10,261
I was so scared I stayed home

361
00:15:10,329 --> 00:15:12,830
Sick for an entire month.

362
00:15:12,898 --> 00:15:13,998
I missed out.

363
00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:16,267
I don't know what eclectic

364
00:15:16,335 --> 00:15:16,601
Means.

365
00:15:16,668 --> 00:15:17,335
>> maybe this is just me.

366
00:15:17,402 --> 00:15:19,170
What's so wrong with a few fat

367
00:15:19,238 --> 00:15:20,104
Kids at school?

368
00:15:20,172 --> 00:15:22,273
>> thank you for saying that.

369
00:15:22,341 --> 00:15:23,741
I love fatties.

370
00:15:23,809 --> 00:15:24,575
They're funny.

371
00:15:24,643 --> 00:15:26,244
>> they are funny.

372
00:15:26,311 --> 00:15:28,513
They are so eclectic.

373
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,348
>> here's a scary question.

374
00:15:30,415 --> 00:15:31,783
When there are no fat kids,

375
00:15:31,784 --> 00:15:33,451
Who's going to play the comic

376
00:15:33,519 --> 00:15:35,219
Relief in disney movies?

377
00:15:35,287 --> 00:15:37,955
>> I will tell you who.

378
00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:41,058
>> mexicans.L.

379
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:42,026
>> no, no.

380
00:15:42,094 --> 00:15:42,760
It's true.

381
00:15:42,828 --> 00:15:44,762
When american kids get too

382
00:15:44,830 --> 00:15:48,366
Skinny, chhbby mexicans will

383
00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:52,403
Just look at the kid on "modern

384
00:15:52,471 --> 00:15:52,804
Family."

385
00:15:52,871 --> 00:15:53,571
>> he's great.

386
00:15:53,639 --> 00:15:55,807
He's great.

387
00:15:55,874 --> 00:15:56,941
>> maybe soon it won't be the

388
00:15:57,009 --> 00:15:59,310
Eagle on the american flag, it

389
00:15:59,378 --> 00:16:03,581
Will be the -- what's a mexican

390
00:16:03,649 --> 00:16:03,881
Bird?

391
00:16:03,949 --> 00:16:04,782
>> a burrito.

392
00:16:04,850 --> 00:16:06,617
>> it's not a bird.

393
00:16:06,685 --> 00:16:07,852
>> yeah.

394
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,388
A chicken burrito.

395
00:16:10,455 --> 00:16:11,689
>> scary stuff.

396
00:16:11,757 --> 00:16:13,257
Joining us now, she's a

397
00:16:13,325 --> 00:16:18,229
President of the eagle coalition

398
00:16:18,297 --> 00:16:21,465
Fireworks emporium in yum marx

399
00:16:21,533 --> 00:16:22,233
Arizona.

400
00:16:22,301 --> 00:16:23,534
Welcome sandy blunt.

401
00:16:23,602 --> 00:16:25,403
>> proud to be here.

402
00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:27,171
Proud to be an american.

403
00:16:27,239 --> 00:16:29,407
>> what's new in the border war,

404
00:16:29,474 --> 00:16:29,707
Sandy?

405
00:16:29,775 --> 00:16:32,610
>> we all know about the dangers

406
00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:34,478
Of anchor babies.

407
00:16:34,546 --> 00:16:36,247
>> being illegal immigrants

408
00:16:36,315 --> 00:16:37,849
Coming to america who have their

409
00:16:37,916 --> 00:16:39,750
Babies on our soil making them

410
00:16:39,818 --> 00:16:41,085
U.S. Citizens.

411
00:16:41,153 --> 00:16:42,453
>> so scary.

412
00:16:42,521 --> 00:16:43,387
>> so scary.

413
00:16:43,455 --> 00:16:45,790
>> well, now there is a new

414
00:16:45,858 --> 00:16:48,526
Threat on our doorstep.

415
00:16:48,594 --> 00:16:51,195
Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant

416
00:16:51,263 --> 00:16:53,331
American women and taking them

417
00:16:53,398 --> 00:16:55,099
To mexico.

418
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:58,002
Then when the women give birth,

419
00:16:58,070 --> 00:17:01,539
Their beautiful babies will

420
00:17:01,607 --> 00:17:07,979
Be -- I'm sorry -- mexicans!

421
00:17:08,046 --> 00:17:09,347
>> so you're saying --

422
00:17:09,414 --> 00:17:13,451
>> reverse anchor babies!

423
00:17:13,518 --> 00:17:17,154
Undercover mexicans in america.

424
00:17:17,222 --> 00:17:23,261
You know, known as amexicans.

425
00:17:23,328 --> 00:17:25,096
>> thanks, sandy.

426
00:17:25,163 --> 00:17:25,663
Scary stuff.

427
00:17:25,731 --> 00:17:26,864
>> there's been a lot of talk

428
00:17:26,932 --> 00:17:27,999
About birth certificates

429
00:17:28,066 --> 00:17:29,533
Recently, so I thought it would

430
00:17:29,601 --> 00:17:31,769
Be fun, you know, to all bring

431
00:17:31,837 --> 00:17:34,405
In our birth certificates to

432
00:17:34,473 --> 00:17:35,506
Show how easy it is.

433
00:17:35,574 --> 00:17:36,340
Here's mine.

434
00:17:36,408 --> 00:17:37,341
>> here's mine.

435
00:17:37,409 --> 00:17:41,412
>> and here is mine.

436
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,381
>> I'm not sure that's it,

437
00:17:43,448 --> 00:17:43,714
Brian.

438
00:17:43,782 --> 00:17:47,118
>> but it has my name on it.

439
00:17:47,185 --> 00:17:49,186
>> it's from dave and buster's.

440
00:17:49,254 --> 00:17:50,721
>> but I got it on my birthday,

441
00:17:50,789 --> 00:17:52,156
So it counts.

442
00:17:52,224 --> 00:17:53,658
>> let's take another quick

443
00:17:53,725 --> 00:17:56,227
Break, but our fact checkers

444
00:17:56,295 --> 00:17:58,462
Finished combing over the first&

445
00:17:58,463 --> 00:18:00,131
Two hours of the show and have a

446
00:18:00,198 --> 00:18:09,840
Few corrections.

447
00:18:09,908 --> 00:18:10,508
>> see you after this quick

448
00:18:10,575 --> 00:18:13,177
Break

449
00:18:13,245 --> 00:18:15,546
[ cheers and applause ]

450
00:18:34,218 --> 00:18:36,620
>> mary shelley was one of the

451
00:18:36,687 --> 00:18:38,288
Most notable female writers of

452
00:18:38,356 --> 00:18:41,024
The romantic period.

453
00:18:41,092 --> 00:18:44,394
Her greatest triumph was her

454
00:18:44,462 --> 00:18:48,365
Classic novel "frankenstein."

455
00:18:48,432 --> 00:18:53,069
>> her new gothic novel

456
00:18:53,137 --> 00:18:53,537
"frankenstein."

457
00:18:53,604 --> 00:18:54,704
>> thank you to much.

458
00:18:54,772 --> 00:18:56,239
Your kind words flatter me.

459
00:18:56,307 --> 00:18:58,608
>> you must have a brilliant

460
00:18:58,676 --> 00:18:59,543
Imagination to craft the

461
00:18:59,610 --> 00:19:01,044
Character of the monster.

462
00:19:01,112 --> 00:19:02,012
>> well said, yes.

463
00:19:02,079 --> 00:19:05,382
>> mary, I say it looks like you

464
00:19:05,449 --> 00:19:06,650
Have another guest arriving.

465
00:19:06,717 --> 00:19:08,251
>> how are you guys doing?

466
00:19:08,319 --> 00:19:10,654
>> no, that's just my landlord.

467
00:19:10,721 --> 00:19:12,055
I beg your pardon.

468
00:19:12,123 --> 00:19:14,057
Were we making too much noise?

469
00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:19,896
>> I wanted to let you know we

470
00:19:19,964 --> 00:19:21,164
Had some trouble with the hot

471
00:19:21,232 --> 00:19:22,866
Water so I have to check the

472
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:23,200
Pipes.

473
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:25,902
>> I say, good man, have you

474
00:19:25,970 --> 00:19:29,172
Read your tenant's wonderful new

475
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:29,739
Book?

476
00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:30,807
>> you know I wasn't going to

477
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:32,576
Mention the book, you know.

478
00:19:32,643 --> 00:19:34,044
You know, since you brought it

479
00:19:34,111 --> 00:19:35,845
Up, I read it and I was kind of

480
00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:36,947
Curious, you know, how did you

481
00:19:37,014 --> 00:19:40,250
Come up with the monster.

482
00:19:40,318 --> 00:19:42,719
>> well, while on holiday in

483
00:19:42,787 --> 00:19:43,853
Switzerland I became fascinated

484
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:45,956
With this idea of reanimating

485
00:19:46,023 --> 00:19:47,857
Dead matter, how science could

486
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:49,092
Bring to life what god had

487
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,060
Sought to kill.

488
00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:51,094
>> I also think you're making

489
00:19:51,162 --> 00:19:53,763
Fun of me a little.

490
00:19:53,831 --> 00:19:57,000
>> what on earth could you mean?

491
00:19:57,068 --> 00:19:59,402
>> namary you describe the monsr

492
00:19:59,470 --> 00:20:01,538
With green skin, a flat head.

493
00:20:01,606 --> 00:20:04,274
I thought, okay, it's just a

494
00:20:04,342 --> 00:20:06,343
Coincidence, but, you know, the

495
00:20:06,410 --> 00:20:06,643
Bolts?

496
00:20:06,711 --> 00:20:07,444
Come on.

497
00:20:07,511 --> 00:20:10,013
That's a clavicle brace.

498
00:20:10,081 --> 00:20:10,780
I got hit by a horse.

499
00:20:10,848 --> 00:20:12,515
>> the monster is a creature of

500
00:20:12,583 --> 00:20:14,317
My imagination.

501
00:20:14,385 --> 00:20:16,553
He's not based on you, frank.

502
00:20:16,621 --> 00:20:17,454
>> I'm sorry.

503
00:20:17,521 --> 00:20:19,289
Your name is frank?

504
00:20:19,357 --> 00:20:22,826
>> frank stein, yeah.

505
00:20:22,893 --> 00:20:26,096
>> truth be told, mary, that is

506
00:20:26,163 --> 00:20:26,596
A little similar.

507
00:20:26,664 --> 00:20:27,197
>> thank you.

508
00:20:27,265 --> 00:20:28,531
>> frankenstein is the name of

509
00:20:28,599 --> 00:20:29,399
The doctor.

510
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:31,901
The monster is just called the

511
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:32,569
Monster.

512
00:20:32,637 --> 00:20:33,903
>> you knoww over time people

513
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:36,039
Are going to lump them together.

514
00:20:36,107 --> 00:20:38,174
Like 100 years from now people

515
00:20:38,242 --> 00:20:39,643
Are going to be like that frank

516
00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:41,878
Stein is a stupid monster, you

517
00:20:41,946 --> 00:20:43,413
Know?

518
00:20:43,481 --> 00:20:47,917
>> yes.

519
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:48,618
>> I don't want to make this

520
00:20:48,686 --> 00:20:49,252
Whole thing.

521
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,354
Let's just forget it.

522
00:20:51,422 --> 00:20:52,489
I'll fix the pipes.

523
00:20:52,556 --> 00:20:53,156
Have your party.

524
00:20:53,224 --> 00:20:55,592
>> mary, would you be so kind as

525
00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:58,895
To read a passage from the book.

526
00:20:58,963 --> 00:21:01,765
>> very well.

527
00:21:01,832 --> 00:21:04,768
I beheld the wreath and the

528
00:21:04,835 --> 00:21:06,202
Miserable monster whom I had

529
00:21:06,270 --> 00:21:06,703
Created.

530
00:21:06,771 --> 00:21:08,204
>> I need a screwdriver.

531
00:21:08,272 --> 00:21:11,708
>> her jaws were open and

532
00:21:11,776 --> 00:21:17,180
Muttered inarticulate sounds.

533
00:21:17,248 --> 00:21:19,015
>> there is quite a chill.

534
00:21:19,083 --> 00:21:21,584
>> it is a little cold in here.

535
00:21:21,652 --> 00:21:23,253
Why don't I stoke the stove a

536
00:21:23,321 --> 00:21:23,586
Little?

537
00:21:23,654 --> 00:21:26,356
>> absolutely not.

538
00:21:26,424 --> 00:21:27,757
Fire bad.

539
00:21:27,825 --> 00:21:29,225
Fire bad, everybody.

540
00:21:29,293 --> 00:21:30,860
Gets in the halls and the smoke

541
00:21:30,928 --> 00:21:31,561
And everything.

542
00:21:31,629 --> 00:21:32,629
Fire bad.

543
00:21:32,697 --> 00:21:35,165
It's a blanket rule.

544
00:21:35,232 --> 00:21:35,932
>> okay.

545
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,734
>> we get it.

546
00:21:37,802 --> 00:21:40,103
>> good god, who is that?

547
00:21:40,171 --> 00:21:42,172
>> hey, dad.

548
00:21:42,239 --> 00:21:45,342
>> hey, igor.

549
00:21:45,409 --> 00:21:48,611
>> he says there's a bird caught

550
00:21:48,679 --> 00:21:50,947
In his apartment, and it's

551
00:21:51,015 --> 00:21:51,281
Alive.

552
00:21:51,349 --> 00:21:53,783
>> your son's name is igor?

553
00:21:53,851 --> 00:21:54,284
>> yeah.

554
00:21:54,352 --> 00:21:55,318
Thank you for that.

555
00:21:55,386 --> 00:21:56,353
That's really classy.

556
00:21:56,354 --> 00:21:56,686
He's a kid.

557
00:21:56,754 --> 00:21:58,521
Nice work.

558
00:21:58,589 --> 00:21:59,689
>> hmm.

559
00:21:59,757 --> 00:22:02,025
>> is the monster really based

560
00:22:02,093 --> 00:22:02,759
On him?

561
00:22:02,827 --> 00:22:04,928
>> oh, yes, 100%.

562
00:22:04,995 --> 00:22:06,563
>> did he actually throw a

563
00:22:06,630 --> 00:22:07,997
Little girl into a well?

564
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:09,265
>> no.

565
00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:11,468
I accidentally pushed a girl

566
00:22:11,535 --> 00:22:12,836
Into a birdbath, and she was

567
00:22:12,903 --> 00:22:13,770
Fine, by the way.

568
00:22:13,838 --> 00:22:15,939
>> that's not what I heard.

569
00:22:16,006 --> 00:22:17,073
>> you know what?

570
00:22:17,141 --> 00:22:17,741
You stink.

571
00:22:17,808 --> 00:22:18,775
I hope you never write a famous

572
00:22:18,843 --> 00:22:19,909
Book again.

573
00:22:19,977 --> 00:22:22,679
>> and she didn't.

574
00:22:22,747 --> 00:22:24,714
[ cheers and applause ]

575
00:22:47,117 --> 00:22:47,917
>>> ladies and gentlemen,

576
00:22:47,985 --> 00:22:48,551
Foo fighters!

577
00:22:48,619 --> 00:22:51,688
[ cheers and applause ]

578
00:22:52,590 --> 00:23:05,501
♪

579
00:23:17,948 --> 00:23:18,581
♪ this indecision's got me

580
00:23:18,649 --> 00:23:23,686
Climbing up the walls

581
00:23:23,754 --> 00:23:24,320
I've been cheating gravity

582
00:23:24,388 --> 00:23:30,793
And waiting on the falls ♪

583
00:23:30,861 --> 00:23:32,495
♪ how did this come over me

584
00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:34,230
I thought I was above it all

585
00:23:34,298 --> 00:23:36,199
Our hopes gone up in smoke

586
00:23:36,266 --> 00:23:43,306
Swallow your crown ♪

587
00:23:43,374 --> 00:23:48,444
♪ on a kiss

588
00:23:48,512 --> 00:23:49,312
I thought I'd save

589
00:23:49,380 --> 00:23:52,148
My breath for you

590
00:23:52,216 --> 00:23:52,582
On a kiss ♪

591
00:23:52,650 --> 00:23:53,182
♪ I thought I'd save

592
00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:56,419
My breath for you ♪

593
00:23:56,487 --> 00:23:57,553
♪ give me some rope

594
00:23:57,621 --> 00:23:58,688
I'm coming loose

595
00:23:58,756 --> 00:24:01,257
I'm hanging on you

596
00:24:01,325 --> 00:24:01,824
Give me some rope ♪

597
00:24:01,892 --> 00:24:06,929
♪ I'm coming loose

598
00:24:06,997 --> 00:24:08,064
I'm pulling for you now

599
00:24:08,132 --> 00:24:08,564
Give me some rope

600
00:24:08,632 --> 00:24:17,173
I'm coming out of my head ♪

601
00:24:17,241 --> 00:24:21,177
♪ into the clear

602
00:24:21,245 --> 00:24:26,015
When you go I come loose ♪

603
00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:37,660
♪

604
00:24:37,728 --> 00:24:38,261
♪ these premonitions

605
00:24:38,328 --> 00:24:44,500
Got me crying up a storm

606
00:24:44,568 --> 00:24:45,068
Leave your condition

607
00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:55,011
This position does no harm ♪

608
00:24:55,079 --> 00:24:55,478
♪ on a kiss

609
00:24:55,546 --> 00:24:55,912
I thought I'd save

610
00:24:55,979 --> 00:24:58,715
My breath for you

611
00:24:58,782 --> 00:24:59,849
On a kiss ♪

612
00:24:59,917 --> 00:25:00,450
♪ I thought I'd save

613
00:25:00,517 --> 00:25:14,897
My breath for you ♪

614
00:25:14,965 --> 00:25:15,465
♪ give me some rope

615
00:25:15,532 --> 00:25:15,965
I'm coming loose

616
00:25:16,033 --> 00:25:16,466
I'm hanging on you

617
00:25:16,533 --> 00:25:17,033
Give me some rope ♪

618
00:25:17,101 --> 00:25:17,600
♪ I'm coming loose

619
00:25:17,668 --> 00:25:19,202
I'm pulling for you now

620
00:25:19,269 --> 00:25:23,139
Give me some rope

621
00:25:23,207 --> 00:25:23,840
I'm coming out of my head ♪

622
00:25:23,907 --> 00:25:28,010
♪ into the clear

623
00:25:28,078 --> 00:25:34,817
When you go I come loose ♪

624
00:25:34,885 --> 00:25:51,167
♪

625
00:25:53,036 --> 00:26:09,385
♪

626
00:26:14,358 --> 00:26:14,857
♪ give me some rope

627
00:26:14,925 --> 00:26:16,859
I'm cooing loose

628
00:26:16,927 --> 00:26:19,695
I'm hanging on you

629
00:26:19,763 --> 00:26:20,263
Give me some rope ♪

630
00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:23,699
♪ I'm coming loose

631
00:26:23,767 --> 00:26:26,803
I'm pulling for you now

632
00:26:26,870 --> 00:26:27,370
Give me some rope

633
00:26:27,437 --> 00:26:38,447
I'm coming out of my head ♪

634
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:41,317
♪ into the clear

635
00:26:41,385 --> 00:26:47,557
When you go I come ♪

636
00:26:47,624 --> 00:27:03,973
♪

637
00:27:10,747 --> 00:27:25,828
♪

638
00:27:25,896 --> 00:27:26,429
[ cheers and applause ]

639
00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:49,818
>>> "weekend update" with

640
00:27:49,886 --> 00:27:50,252
Seth meyers.

641
00:27:50,319 --> 00:27:51,286
[ cheers and applause ]

642
00:27:51,354 --> 00:27:51,820
>>> good evening.

643
00:27:51,888 --> 00:27:52,454
I'm seth meyers.

644
00:27:52,522 --> 00:28:00,162
Here are tonight's top stories.

645
00:28:00,229 --> 00:28:03,298
>>> late last night a deal was

646
00:28:03,366 --> 00:28:05,300
Reached on the federal budget

647
00:28:05,368 --> 00:28:07,369
Avert the shutdown at the last

648
00:28:07,437 --> 00:28:09,504
Minute so kind of the same way I

649
00:28:09,572 --> 00:28:11,406
Pay my cable bill.

650
00:28:11,474 --> 00:28:14,843
It cuts $38 billion in federal

651
00:28:14,911 --> 00:28:15,844
Spending including cuts to

652
00:28:15,912 --> 00:28:18,313
Health care, high speed rail,

653
00:28:18,381 --> 00:28:19,915
Nutrition programs, flowers,

654
00:28:19,982 --> 00:28:22,250
Sunshine and hugging.

655
00:28:22,318 --> 00:28:24,052
It was announced Wednesday that

656
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,520
Glenn beck will transition off

657
00:28:25,588 --> 00:28:27,456
The fox news show later this

658
00:28:27,523 --> 00:28:31,226
Year in much the same way he

659
00:28:31,294 --> 00:28:34,129
Gradually transitioned off his

660
00:28:34,197 --> 00:28:38,033
Rocker.

661
00:28:38,101 --> 00:28:39,201
>>> it was reported that

662
00:28:39,268 --> 00:28:39,968
>>> late last night in agreement

663
00:28:40,036 --> 00:28:43,505
On the 2011 budget was reached

664
00:28:43,573 --> 00:28:43,872
Zooishgs

665
00:28:51,981 --> 00:28:52,647
>>> late last night in agreement

666
00:28:52,715 --> 00:28:53,415
On the 2011 budget was reached

667
00:28:53,483 --> 00:28:55,417
Avoiding a shutdown.

668
00:28:55,485 --> 00:28:56,284
Here to comment, james carville.

669
00:28:56,352 --> 00:29:12,968
[ cheers and applause ]

670
00:29:14,270 --> 00:29:14,769
>> hello there, seth.

671
00:29:14,837 --> 00:29:15,470
Thank you for allowing your

672
00:29:15,538 --> 00:29:16,171
Beautiful wash face to share

673
00:29:16,239 --> 00:29:16,838
Account what I got going on

674
00:29:16,906 --> 00:29:17,239
Right here.

675
00:29:17,306 --> 00:29:17,973
>> no, that's quite all right.

676
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:18,640
Now, james, some tea party

677
00:29:18,708 --> 00:29:19,407
Members are still saying enough

678
00:29:19,475 --> 00:29:21,009
Wasn't cut out of the budget.

679
00:29:21,077 --> 00:29:22,477
For example, planned parenthood

680
00:29:22,545 --> 00:29:24,179
Was on the table, but for now

681
00:29:24,247 --> 00:29:27,048
Its funding was left intact.

682
00:29:27,116 --> 00:29:28,283
>> you can always leave it to

683
00:29:28,351 --> 00:29:29,451
Republicans to bring up

684
00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:30,218
Abortion, seth.

685
00:29:30,286 --> 00:29:40,362
It's that one-hit wonder.

686
00:29:40,429 --> 00:29:41,062
Lou begga, abortion is their

687
00:29:41,130 --> 00:29:41,429
Mambo #5.

688
00:29:41,497 --> 00:29:41,830
[ laughter ]

689
00:29:41,898 --> 00:29:42,464
You know that song, seth?

690
00:29:42,532 --> 00:29:42,998
♪ one, two, three

691
00:29:43,065 --> 00:29:43,465
Four, five ♪

692
00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:43,832
That song?

693
00:29:43,900 --> 00:29:44,666
That's a good one.

694
00:29:44,734 --> 00:29:45,000
>> yeah.

695
00:29:45,067 --> 00:29:45,767
>> I don't know the rest of the

696
00:29:45,835 --> 00:29:46,101
Lyrics.

697
00:29:46,169 --> 00:29:46,535
[ laughter ]

698
00:29:46,602 --> 00:29:47,269
>> but planned parenthood isn't

699
00:29:47,336 --> 00:29:47,736
Just abootions.

700
00:29:47,803 --> 00:29:49,204
It's mostly family counseling.

701
00:29:49,272 --> 00:29:49,938
>> that's good, seth, because

702
00:29:50,006 --> 00:29:50,639
People  ave always struggled

703
00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:51,773
With how to deal with unplanned

704
00:29:51,841 --> 00:29:54,609
Pregnancy.

705
00:29:54,677 --> 00:29:55,343
In olden times, parents would

706
00:29:55,411 --> 00:29:58,480
Put their babies in a basket and

707
00:29:58,548 --> 00:29:59,347
Set them in a river.

708
00:29:59,415 --> 00:30:00,048
>> you're referring to moses?

709
00:30:00,116 --> 00:30:00,649
>> I'm referring to me.

710
00:30:00,716 --> 00:30:06,454
[ laughter ]

711
00:30:06,522 --> 00:30:09,357
My parents took one look at my

712
00:30:09,425 --> 00:30:12,427
Newborn ass and threw me in the

713
00:30:12,495 --> 00:30:12,861
Mississippi.

714
00:30:12,929 --> 00:30:13,595
Luckily for me a family of eels

715
00:30:13,663 --> 00:30:14,362
Found me and raised me as one of

716
00:30:14,430 --> 00:30:14,729
Their own.

717
00:30:14,797 --> 00:30:15,163
[ laughter ]

718
00:30:15,231 --> 00:30:18,967
That reminds me.

719
00:30:19,035 --> 00:30:22,437
Can I say hello to my mama in

720
00:30:22,505 --> 00:30:24,606
This camera right over here?

721
00:30:24,674 --> 00:30:24,940
>> sure.

722
00:30:25,007 --> 00:30:30,879
[ laughter ]

723
00:30:30,947 --> 00:30:32,881
>> now james, you were a member

724
00:30:32,949 --> 00:30:33,615
Of the clinton administration

725
00:30:33,683 --> 00:30:34,349
When we had our last government

726
00:30:34,417 --> 00:30:35,450
Shutdown.

727
00:30:35,518 --> 00:30:36,384
This must feel like déjÃ  vu for

728
00:30:36,452 --> 00:30:38,286
You.

729
00:30:38,354 --> 00:30:38,820
>> oh, yeah, yeah.

730
00:30:38,888 --> 00:30:39,387
It's like gopher day.

731
00:30:39,455 --> 00:30:40,088
>> I think you mean groundhog

732
00:30:40,156 --> 00:30:40,355
Day?

733
00:30:40,423 --> 00:30:40,855
>> no, no.

734
00:30:40,923 --> 00:30:41,590
Every Thursday at my house is

735
00:30:41,657 --> 00:30:43,124
Gopher day.

736
00:30:43,192 --> 00:30:43,792
I strip naked and I catch a

737
00:30:43,859 --> 00:30:44,559
Gopher in the backyard.

738
00:30:44,627 --> 00:30:47,128
[ laughter ]

739
00:30:47,196 --> 00:30:47,896
The nudity is not necessary, but

740
00:30:47,964 --> 00:30:48,296
I prefer it.

741
00:30:48,364 --> 00:30:50,532
[ laughter ]

742
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,500
Then I cook him up and I serve

743
00:30:52,568 --> 00:30:52,968
Him to my wife.

744
00:30:53,035 --> 00:30:53,668
No one likes it but it keeps

745
00:30:53,736 --> 00:30:57,606
Happening.

746
00:30:57,673 --> 00:30:58,473
>> yeah.

747
00:30:58,541 --> 00:30:59,207
You got to remind me not to come

748
00:30:59,275 --> 00:31:02,677
By.

749
00:31:02,745 --> 00:31:04,879
How do your memories of the last

750
00:31:04,947 --> 00:31:07,282
Shutdown compare to this last

751
00:31:07,350 --> 00:31:07,582
One?

752
00:31:07,650 --> 00:31:08,216
>> oh, well this is small

753
00:31:08,284 --> 00:31:08,683
Potatoes, seth.

754
00:31:08,751 --> 00:31:09,284
'95 was a space opera.

755
00:31:09,352 --> 00:31:10,018
I mean, you had newt gingrich

756
00:31:10,086 --> 00:31:10,685
Hopping around and doing

757
00:31:10,753 --> 00:31:11,419
Cartwheels on his fat little

758
00:31:11,487 --> 00:31:12,187
Arms like a republican kung fu

759
00:31:12,255 --> 00:31:12,487
Panda.

760
00:31:12,555 --> 00:31:17,292
[ laughter ]

761
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:18,627
Now a lotd of people forget this

762
00:31:18,694 --> 00:31:19,194
But I was during the

763
00:31:19,262 --> 00:31:19,861
'95 shutdown that president

764
00:31:19,929 --> 00:31:20,595
Clinton met a young intern and

765
00:31:20,663 --> 00:31:21,496
Decided, and I apologize for

766
00:31:21,564 --> 00:31:22,230
Quoting lou begger again, that

767
00:31:22,298 --> 00:31:22,998
He wanted a little monica in his

768
00:31:23,065 --> 00:31:23,298
Life.

769
00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:27,202
[ laughter ]

770
00:31:27,270 --> 00:31:29,838
>> yeah.

771
00:31:29,905 --> 00:31:35,910
I do remember that.

772
00:31:35,978 --> 00:31:39,014
Now, many are saying that the

773
00:31:39,081 --> 00:31:40,482
Difficulties oo this budget will

774
00:31:40,549 --> 00:31:42,617
Get replayed a few months from

775
00:31:42,685 --> 00:31:44,419
Now when  he debt ceiling needs

776
00:31:44,487 --> 00:31:46,187
To get raised.

777
00:31:46,255 --> 00:31:46,621
>> yeah, yeah.

778
00:31:46,689 --> 00:31:47,289
We're gonna have to fight

779
00:31:47,356 --> 00:31:48,023
John boehner again, and here's

780
00:31:48,090 --> 00:31:48,590
What I'm going to do.

781
00:31:48,658 --> 00:31:49,190
I'm going to break into

782
00:31:49,258 --> 00:31:49,924
John boehner's car and leave a

783
00:31:49,992 --> 00:31:50,558
Black butterfly in there.

784
00:31:50,626 --> 00:31:51,259
That way he knows he's been

785
00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:52,394
Marked as my prey.

786
00:31:52,461 --> 00:31:53,228
Then I'll spend the night

787
00:31:53,296 --> 00:31:53,962
Crouched under the sink in his

788
00:31:54,030 --> 00:31:54,329
Bathroom.

789
00:31:54,397 --> 00:31:56,631
[ laughter ]

790
00:31:56,699 --> 00:31:58,066
It's not hard for me because I

791
00:31:58,134 --> 00:31:58,767
Can coil myself up because was

792
00:31:58,834 --> 00:31:59,467
Raised by eels.

793
00:31:59,535 --> 00:32:04,306
[ laughter ]

794
00:32:04,373 --> 00:32:08,009
Then the next morning when he's

795
00:32:08,077 --> 00:32:08,777
In the shower, I'm skinny enough

796
00:32:08,844 --> 00:32:09,444
I can just pop my head up

797
00:32:09,512 --> 00:32:14,282
Through the drain like a

798
00:32:14,350 --> 00:32:16,918
Skeleton in a jack-in-the-box.

799
00:32:16,986 --> 00:32:18,153
[ laughter ]

800
00:32:18,220 --> 00:32:18,887
And that's how we passed health

801
00:32:18,954 --> 00:32:19,387
Care right there.

802
00:32:19,455 --> 00:32:24,025
>> yeah.

803
00:32:24,093 --> 00:32:24,959
That sounds very  ffective.

804
00:32:25,027 --> 00:32:25,660
Now, there's something I've

805
00:32:25,728 --> 00:32:30,398
Always wanted to ask you.

806
00:32:30,466 --> 00:32:31,366
Yes, I.

807
00:32:31,434 --> 00:32:33,268
>> yes, I killed a man.

808
00:32:33,336 --> 00:32:35,470
>> no, no, it wasn't that.

809
00:32:35,538 --> 00:32:36,171
James, what's it like to be

810
00:32:36,238 --> 00:32:36,938
Married to a republican in such

811
00:32:37,006 --> 00:32:37,372
Divided times?

812
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:38,073
>> seth, seth, my wife and I

813
00:32:38,140 --> 00:32:38,840
Don't see each other in terms of

814
00:32:38,908 --> 00:32:40,308
Republican or democrat.

815
00:32:40,376 --> 00:32:41,176
When she rolls over in the

816
00:32:41,243 --> 00:32:41,843
Morning, she doesn't see a

817
00:32:41,911 --> 00:32:42,210
Democrat.

818
00:32:42,278 --> 00:32:43,445
She sees this.

819
00:32:43,512 --> 00:32:47,148
[ laughter ]

820
00:32:47,216 --> 00:32:47,849
>> james carville, everybody.

821
00:32:47,917 --> 00:32:59,928
[ cheers and applause ]

822
00:32:59,995 --> 00:33:03,198
>>> law enforcements in new york

823
00:33:03,265 --> 00:33:05,467
State have introduced

824
00:33:05,534 --> 00:33:07,035
Legislation to sell the sing

825
00:33:07,103 --> 00:33:11,306
Sing prison to turn it into a

826
00:33:11,374 --> 00:33:12,073
Condo.

827
00:33:12,141 --> 00:33:14,676
Each will have hardwood floors

828
00:33:14,744 --> 00:33:31,059
And the ghost of a murderer.

829
00:33:31,127 --> 00:33:35,029
>> employees are saying the

830
00:33:35,097 --> 00:33:36,164
Paychecks are bouncing.

831
00:33:36,232 --> 00:33:36,998
That's weird.

832
00:33:37,066 --> 00:33:39,968
Seems like a responsible ceo.

833
00:33:40,035 --> 00:33:45,407
Last time I judge a book by its

834
00:33:45,474 --> 00:33:46,174
Cover.

835
00:33:46,242 --> 00:33:46,708
>

836
00:33:46,776 --> 00:33:50,378
>>> last  eak a boeing 737 en

837
00:33:50,446 --> 00:33:51,946
Route from phoenix to sacramento

838
00:33:52,014 --> 00:33:53,915
Had to make an emergency

839
00:33:53,983 --> 00:33:54,282
Landing.

840
00:33:54,350 --> 00:33:57,419
Here to talk about is a flight

841
00:33:57,486 --> 00:33:59,354
Attendant on board.

842
00:33:59,422 --> 00:34:06,461
Please welcome shelley lane.

843
00:34:06,529 --> 00:34:08,430
[ applause ]

844
00:34:08,497 --> 00:34:13,868
[ laughter ]

845
00:34:13,936 --> 00:34:15,036
>> hello, seth.

846
00:34:15,104 --> 00:34:18,072
Is the air pressure in here

847
00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:18,440
Okay?

848
00:34:18,507 --> 00:34:21,276
>> it's fiie.

849
00:34:21,343 --> 00:34:24,312
So shelley, it must have been

850
00:34:24,380 --> 00:34:25,880
Very harrowing.

851
00:34:25,948 --> 00:34:28,483
Are you okay after what

852
00:34:28,551 --> 00:34:32,554
Happened?

853
00:34:32,621 --> 00:34:32,987
>> I'm fine.

854
00:34:33,055 --> 00:34:33,688
It's really a nonevent in my

855
00:34:33,756 --> 00:34:34,122
Failed self.

856
00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:34,823
>> ah, you're a little loud,

857
00:34:34,890 --> 00:34:35,523
You're talking a little loud.

858
00:34:35,591 --> 00:34:35,957
>> I'm sorry.

859
00:34:36,025 --> 00:34:36,624
I still hear a crazy wind

860
00:34:36,692 --> 00:34:37,959
Rushing through my ear canals

861
00:34:38,027 --> 00:34:38,726
Kind of likk a dyson vacuum that

862
00:34:38,794 --> 00:34:39,661
The sound that goes like --

863
00:34:39,728 --> 00:34:42,230
[ makes vacuum noise ]

864
00:34:42,298 --> 00:34:45,066
[ laughter ]

865
00:34:45,134 --> 00:34:45,934
>> so, shelley, what was the

866
00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:46,668
First clue that something was

867
00:34:46,735 --> 00:34:51,873
Up?

868
00:34:51,941 --> 00:34:56,444
>> I sensed that the top of the

869
00:34:56,512 --> 00:34:57,212
Plane was maybe not as there as

870
00:34:57,279 --> 00:34:58,713
It had been.

871
00:34:58,781 --> 00:35:06,387
[ laughter ]

872
00:35:06,455 --> 00:35:06,721
>> okay.

873
00:35:06,789 --> 00:35:09,524
So walk us through the rest.

874
00:35:09,592 --> 00:35:12,894
>> well, I was passing out

875
00:35:12,962 --> 00:35:15,196
Peanuts when I noticed I could

876
00:35:15,264 --> 00:35:15,630
See my breath.

877
00:35:15,698 --> 00:35:19,467
[ laughter ]

878
00:35:19,535 --> 00:35:22,871
And then I noticed everybody's

879
00:35:22,938 --> 00:35:26,007
Kindles were lifting off their

880
00:35:26,075 --> 00:35:29,143
Lap and headed upwards and then

881
00:35:29,211 --> 00:35:30,812
I looked up saw one of them fly

882
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:31,579
Out of the hole in the roof and

883
00:35:31,647 --> 00:35:33,381
I screamed, I hope you're done

884
00:35:33,449 --> 00:35:34,182
Reading the girl who played with

885
00:35:34,250 --> 00:35:34,949
Fire, because you're not getting

886
00:35:35,017 --> 00:35:35,350
That back!

887
00:35:35,417 --> 00:35:41,356
[ laughher ]

888
00:35:41,423 --> 00:35:42,090
>> the passengers must have been

889
00:35:42,157 --> 00:35:42,490
Terrified.

890
00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:47,629
>> they were complainers.

891
00:35:47,696 --> 00:35:48,363
I tried to lighten the mood by

892
00:35:48,430 --> 00:35:48,930
Telling them a joke.

893
00:35:48,998 --> 00:35:49,631
I'm one of those funny flight

894
00:35:49,698 --> 00:35:53,001
Attendants.

895
00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:53,701
I said, well at least this

896
00:35:53,769 --> 00:36:02,677
Flight isn't boeing.

897
00:36:02,745 --> 00:36:04,946
I guess they didn't get it,

898
00:36:05,014 --> 00:36:05,613
Because I was like boring,

899
00:36:05,681 --> 00:36:06,080
Boeing, boring.

900
00:36:06,148 --> 00:36:08,650
I thought, come on.

901
00:36:08,717 --> 00:36:09,350
I thought that joke up while

902
00:36:09,418 --> 00:36:10,351
Flying around the cabin.

903
00:36:10,419 --> 00:36:15,256
[ laughter ]

904
00:36:15,324 --> 00:36:19,794
>> so you took a pretty rapid

905
00:36:19,862 --> 00:36:20,161
Descent?

906
00:36:20,229 --> 00:36:20,628
>> not too bad.

907
00:36:20,696 --> 00:36:21,362
We went from 37,000 feet to

908
00:36:21,430 --> 00:36:22,030
11,000 feet in one minuue.

909
00:36:22,097 --> 00:36:22,764
>> well that's a pretty steep

910
00:36:22,831 --> 00:36:23,064
Dive.

911
00:36:23,132 --> 00:36:24,632
>> not really.

912
00:36:24,700 --> 00:36:25,266
It was kind of like this.

913
00:36:25,334 --> 00:36:35,710
[ yelling ]

914
00:36:35,778 --> 00:36:36,277
And then --

915
00:36:36,345 --> 00:36:39,981
[ laughter ]

916
00:36:40,049 --> 00:36:41,115
It was over, and we were on the

917
00:36:41,183 --> 00:36:43,117
Ground in yuma and there was a

918
00:36:43,185 --> 00:36:45,954
Strong smell of pee in the air

919
00:36:46,021 --> 00:36:46,588
And nobody would look at

920
00:36:46,655 --> 00:36:46,955
Anybody.

921
00:36:47,022 --> 00:36:51,426
[ laughter ]

922
00:36:51,493 --> 00:36:53,227
>> thank you, shelley lane.

923
00:36:53,295 --> 00:36:53,861
>> don't fly, everybody.

924
00:36:53,929 --> 00:37:04,439
[ applause ]

925
00:37:04,506 --> 00:37:05,139
>>> police in pittsburgh are

926
00:37:05,207 --> 00:37:05,907
Saying that a growing number of

927
00:37:05,975 --> 00:37:06,641
Prostitutes in the area are now

928
00:37:06,709 --> 00:37:07,442
Taking credit cards for payment.

929
00:37:07,509 --> 00:37:09,310
So on the one hand a sad and

930
00:37:09,378 --> 00:37:10,712
Desperate sexual encounter under

931
00:37:10,779 --> 00:37:11,446
The cover of night, but on the

932
00:37:11,513 --> 00:37:12,146
Other hand, airline miles.

933
00:37:12,214 --> 00:37:19,854
[ laughter ]

934
00:37:19,922 --> 00:37:24,826
Ed the new trend explains why

935
00:37:24,893 --> 00:37:26,361
Pimps all over pittsburgh are

936
00:37:26,428 --> 00:37:28,096
Saying, bitch better have my

937
00:37:28,163 --> 00:37:34,035
Merchant copy.

938
00:37:34,103 --> 00:37:34,702
>>> justin bieber this past

939
00:37:34,770 --> 00:37:35,470
Weekend celebrated his mother's

940
00:37:35,537 --> 00:37:36,237
Birthday in germany by bringing

941
00:37:36,305 --> 00:37:36,904
Out a cake for her on stage.

942
00:37:36,972 --> 00:37:37,572
But when she blew out the

943
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:38,606
Candles her hair caught on fire.

944
00:37:38,674 --> 00:37:39,340
Luckily justin was able put out

945
00:37:39,408 --> 00:37:40,041
The fire by winking at it.

946
00:37:40,109 --> 00:37:49,384
[ laughter ]

947
00:37:49,451 --> 00:37:50,118
>>> reverend michael manning a

948
00:37:50,185 --> 00:37:50,852
Roman catholic priest who also

949
00:37:50,919 --> 00:37:51,552
Runs a television ministry in

950
00:37:51,620 --> 00:37:52,286
California admitted this week

951
00:37:52,354 --> 00:37:53,388
That he has been having a sexual

952
00:37:53,455 --> 00:37:54,455
And romantic retionship with a

953
00:37:54,523 --> 00:37:55,189
Woman who is his second cousin.

954
00:37:55,257 --> 00:37:55,923
Man it's guys like that who give

955
00:37:55,991 --> 00:37:56,624
Catholic priests a slightly

956
00:37:56,692 --> 00:37:57,325
Better name.

957
00:37:57,393 --> 00:38:06,534
[ laughter ]

958
00:38:06,602 --> 00:38:07,735
>>> america has become the

959
00:38:07,803 --> 00:38:09,871
Biggest consumer of wine even

960
00:38:09,938 --> 00:38:11,773
Surpassing the french.

961
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:29,457
Here to comment is john k. John.

962
00:38:29,525 --> 00:38:32,593
>> I come from paris.

963
00:38:32,661 --> 00:38:35,430
Ain't no party like a paris

964
00:38:35,497 --> 00:38:35,763
Party.

965
00:38:35,831 --> 00:38:38,566
I went to a crazy party last

966
00:38:38,634 --> 00:38:43,171
Night sampling some fine chee  s

967
00:38:43,238 --> 00:38:43,504
Cheeses.

968
00:38:43,572 --> 00:38:44,906
Brothers love a sample of that.

969
00:38:44,973 --> 00:38:47,775
You go to a party, and the first

970
00:38:47,843 --> 00:38:50,878
Thing a brother says is somebody

971
00:38:50,946 --> 00:38:52,847
Pass it.

972
00:38:52,915 --> 00:38:53,481
It was wild.

973
00:38:53,549 --> 00:38:54,916
You know what they say about

974
00:38:54,983 --> 00:38:55,983
French parties, right?

975
00:38:56,051 --> 00:38:57,518
>> no, I don't.

976
00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:59,053
>> they start with that and they

977
00:38:59,121 --> 00:39:11,365
End with nudity.

978
00:39:11,433 --> 00:39:13,534
A terrible thing happened the

979
00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:15,169
Other day to me, seth.

980
00:39:15,237 --> 00:39:16,871
I got robbed by a mime.

981
00:39:16,939 --> 00:39:19,340
A mime will jack you up.

982
00:39:19,408 --> 00:39:25,646
I live in the poor part of

983
00:39:25,714 --> 00:39:26,948
Paripar

984
00:39:27,015 --> 00:39:27,248
Paris.

985
00:39:27,316 --> 00:39:29,550
So I got a lot of mimes up in my

986
00:39:29,618 --> 00:39:31,452
Neighborhood just hanging on the

987
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:32,887
Corner, got nothing to do,

988
00:39:32,955 --> 00:39:34,889
Pulling on an imaginary rope.

989
00:39:34,957 --> 00:39:36,891
If a mime rolled up on me, I put

990
00:39:36,959 --> 00:39:38,025
That brother in a box.

991
00:39:38,093 --> 00:39:39,994
It won't be the one that gets

992
00:39:40,062 --> 00:39:48,536
Smaller but one six feet deep.

993
00:39:48,604 --> 00:39:48,936
Incredible.

994
00:39:49,004 --> 00:39:50,338
Got to confess something, seth.

995
00:39:50,405 --> 00:39:51,973
I'm in a mixed relationship.

996
00:39:51,974 --> 00:39:53,241
>> oh, yeah?

997
00:39:53,308 --> 00:39:56,144
>> I've been dating a belgian

998
00:39:56,211 --> 00:39:58,679
Girl lately.

999
00:39:58,747 --> 00:40:00,681
French sisters don't like.

1000
00:40:00,749 --> 00:40:04,185
French sisters are like, look at

1001
00:40:04,253 --> 00:40:05,286
Him.

1002
00:40:05,354 --> 00:40:06,487
I guess he wants to dip his

1003
00:40:06,555 --> 00:40:08,790
French fries in mayonnaise here.

1004
00:40:08,857 --> 00:40:12,760
Call me when you speak flemish

1005
00:40:12,828 --> 00:40:15,930
And you have a big ass.

1006
00:40:15,998 --> 00:40:17,899
Otherwise I'll be eating waffles

1007
00:40:17,966 --> 00:40:27,141
With my girlfriend.

1008
00:40:27,209 --> 00:40:29,310
>>>   man in new york city who

1009
00:40:29,378 --> 00:40:31,813
Described himself as a zombie

1010
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:33,915
Enthusiast was arrested as the

1011
00:40:33,982 --> 00:40:36,417
Port authority bust station in

1012
00:40:36,485 --> 00:40:38,986
Possession of five samurai

1013
00:40:39,054 --> 00:40:42,623
Swords, burglar tools and

1014
00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:43,925
Night-vision goggles and

1015
00:40:43,992 --> 00:40:44,358
Bluuprints.

1016
00:40:44,426 --> 00:40:45,893
Tough break for the man known

1017
00:40:45,961 --> 00:40:47,428
Around the port authority as

1018
00:40:47,496 --> 00:40:48,663
Normal larry.

1019
00:40:48,730 --> 00:40:51,365
>>> a couple in michigan is

1020
00:40:51,433 --> 00:40:53,968
Planning to walk 2400 miles it

1021
00:40:54,036 --> 00:40:56,771
To the wedding in las vegas this

1022
00:40:56,839 --> 00:40:57,071
Fall.

1023
00:40:57,139 --> 00:40:58,773
No word on whose idea it was,

1024
00:40:58,841 --> 00:41:00,508
But it wasn't here.

1025
00:41:00,576 --> 00:41:02,543
For "weekend update," I'm seth

1026
00:41:02,611 --> 00:41:02,877
Meyers.

1027
00:41:02,945 --> 00:41:03,411
Good night!

1028
00:41:19,431 --> 00:41:19,697
♪

1029
00:41:19,765 --> 00:41:20,431
>>> now it's time for the "best

1030
00:41:20,499 --> 00:41:21,165
Of both worlds" with your host

1031
00:41:21,233 --> 00:41:21,599
Hugh jackman.

1032
00:41:21,666 --> 00:41:22,199
[ cheers and applause ]

1033
00:41:22,267 --> 00:41:26,203
>> who'' ready to party!

1034
00:41:26,271 --> 00:41:28,639
I'm hugh jackman, both the

1035
00:41:28,707 --> 00:41:29,373
Most masculine and most feminine

1036
00:41:29,441 --> 00:41:29,907
Man in the world.

1037
00:41:29,975 --> 00:41:30,741
Some of you may know me as the

1038
00:41:30,809 --> 00:41:35,312
Wolverine, and others may know

1039
00:41:35,380 --> 00:41:41,986
Me as the guy who hosted the

1040
00:41:42,054 --> 00:41:42,586
To

1041
00:41:42,654 --> 00:41:43,554
Tonys.

1042
00:41:43,622 --> 00:41:44,321
Today, I'll sit down with other

1043
00:41:44,389 --> 00:41:45,056
Like-minded people who play both

1044
00:41:45,123 --> 00:41:45,723
Sides of the professional

1045
00:41:45,791 --> 00:41:46,390
Boomerang, so to speak.

1046
00:41:46,458 --> 00:41:47,124
My first guest was the star of

1047
00:41:47,192 --> 00:41:47,892
"300" as well as "the phantom of

1048
00:41:47,959 --> 00:41:48,292
The opera."

1049
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:48,659
Two sides.

1050
00:41:48,727 --> 00:41:49,360
Please welcome gerard butler.

1051
00:41:49,361 --> 00:41:57,635
[ applause ]

1052
00:41:57,702 --> 00:42:01,038
>> spartans lend me your ears.

1053
00:42:01,106 --> 00:42:01,505
♪ and listen

1054
00:42:01,573 --> 00:42:05,276
To the music of the night ♪

1055
00:42:05,343 --> 00:42:10,681
>> crickey that's the stuff.

1056
00:42:10,749 --> 00:42:12,183
Waak me through a day in the

1057
00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:15,352
Life of gerard butler.

1058
00:42:15,420 --> 00:42:18,289
>> I wake up and eat the steak

1059
00:42:18,356 --> 00:42:20,124
And throw on a pair of tights

1060
00:42:20,192 --> 00:42:23,494
And do a thousand pushups and

1061
00:42:23,562 --> 00:42:32,970
Get caught up on "glee."

1062
00:42:33,038 --> 00:42:33,704
I do four hours of kickboxing

1063
00:42:33,772 --> 00:42:34,271
And put on the "fame"

1064
00:42:34,339 --> 00:42:34,972
Soundtrack, crawl into a hot

1065
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:35,706
Bubble bath, and lip sync into

1066
00:42:35,774 --> 00:42:36,140
My hair brush.

1067
00:42:36,208 --> 00:42:36,574
>> two sides!

1068
00:42:36,641 --> 00:42:37,341
>> quick, let's arm wrestle and

1069
00:42:37,409 --> 00:42:37,842
Sing some karaoke.

1070
00:42:37,909 --> 00:42:38,442
♪ there was a round

1071
00:42:38,510 --> 00:42:39,243
But I never heard

1072
00:42:39,311 --> 00:42:39,710
It singing ♪

1073
00:42:39,778 --> 00:42:43,214
♪ no, I never heard

1074
00:42:43,281 --> 00:42:43,781
It at all

1075
00:42:43,849 --> 00:42:49,720
Until there was you ♪

1076
00:42:49,788 --> 00:42:50,154
>> victorious!

1077
00:42:50,222 --> 00:42:50,888
>> crickey!

1078
00:42:50,956 --> 00:42:51,622
Ah, well, you know what they

1079
00:42:51,690 --> 00:42:55,726
Say.

1080
00:42:55,794 --> 00:42:57,461
Damned if you did or you do.

1081
00:42:57,529 --> 00:42:58,195
Our next guest has two very

1082
00:42:58,263 --> 00:43:02,266
Different lives.

1083
00:43:02,334 --> 00:43:02,933
He raps on the streets of

1084
00:43:03,001 --> 00:43:03,701
East l.A. And acts in family

1085
00:43:03,768 --> 00:43:04,468
Flicks like "are we there yet"

1086
00:43:04,536 --> 00:43:08,239
And "barbershop."

1087
00:43:08,306 --> 00:43:08,839
Please welcome ice cube.

1088
00:43:08,907 --> 00:43:12,810
[ applause ]

1089
00:43:12,878 --> 00:43:14,512
>> hey, yo, what's cracking?

1090
00:43:14,579 --> 00:43:17,114
[ light laughter ]

1091
00:43:17,182 --> 00:43:17,681
I already hate this.

1092
00:43:17,749 --> 00:43:22,486
[ laughter ]

1093
00:43:22,554 --> 00:43:23,154
>> now, cube, you were, of

1094
00:43:23,221 --> 00:43:25,322
Course, a member of the hip-hop

1095
00:43:25,390 --> 00:43:26,490
Group inwards with attitude.

1096
00:43:26,558 --> 00:43:27,191
Do you ever worry that your

1097
00:43:27,259 --> 00:43:27,892
Losing touch with your soft

1098
00:43:27,959 --> 00:43:29,326
Side.

1099
00:43:29,394 --> 00:43:31,595
>> no, I'm still street.

1100
00:43:31,663 --> 00:43:35,432
My next movie, it's just me

1101
00:43:35,500 --> 00:43:36,367
Against popo.

1102
00:43:36,434 --> 00:43:36,901
>> popo, the police.

1103
00:43:36,968 --> 00:43:37,368
>> no, no, no.

1104
00:43:37,435 --> 00:43:38,335
Popo the baby panda.

1105
00:43:38,403 --> 00:43:39,069
See, I forced to take care of

1106
00:43:39,137 --> 00:43:41,172
Him when a local zoo shuts down,

1107
00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:41,939
But then in the end, he teaches

1108
00:43:42,007 --> 00:43:42,573
Me more than I teach him.

1109
00:43:42,641 --> 00:43:45,709
Here's the poster.

1110
00:43:45,777 --> 00:43:47,411
[ laughter ]

1111
00:43:47,479 --> 00:43:48,012
>> that warms the heart.

1112
00:43:48,079 --> 00:43:48,612
>> yeah, heartwarming.

1113
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:49,980
Heartwarming.

1114
00:43:50,048 --> 00:43:50,514
Cube, since you're

1115
00:43:50,582 --> 00:43:51,682
Multi-talented like us, how

1116
00:43:51,750 --> 00:43:53,150
About we arm wrestle and sing &

1117
00:43:53,151 --> 00:43:54,251
Some karaoke.

1118
00:43:54,319 --> 00:43:55,953
>> oh, that sounds like fun.

1119
00:43:56,021 --> 00:43:56,654
Or, instead, how about I kill

1120
00:43:56,721 --> 00:43:57,121
You?

1121
00:43:57,189 --> 00:43:58,489
[ laughter ]

1122
00:43:58,557 --> 00:44:00,224
>> I'd like to see you try.

1123
00:44:00,292 --> 00:44:01,058
♪ pardon me mister

1124
00:44:01,126 --> 00:44:01,492
Will you lend

1125
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:06,297
Me your ear ♪

1126
00:44:06,364 --> 00:44:08,399
>> our next guest is one of my

1127
00:44:08,466 --> 00:44:09,099
Favorite singers of all time.

1128
00:44:09,167 --> 00:44:09,867
Please welcome, the delightful,

1129
00:44:09,935 --> 00:44:11,702
Julie andrews.

1130
00:44:11,770 --> 00:44:19,076
[ cheers and applause ]

1131
00:44:19,144 --> 00:44:21,445
>> greetings, gentlemen.

1132
00:44:21,513 --> 00:44:22,546
How absolutely wonderful to be

1133
00:44:22,614 --> 00:44:22,846
Here.

1134
00:44:22,914 --> 00:44:23,547
Much like raindrops and roses

1135
00:44:23,615 --> 00:44:24,481
Doing talk shows is --

1136
00:44:24,549 --> 00:44:24,915
♪ one of my

1137
00:44:24,983 --> 00:44:27,585
Favorite things ♪

1138
00:44:27,652 --> 00:44:27,952
>> what?

1139
00:44:28,019 --> 00:44:31,288
Hell no.

1140
00:44:31,356 --> 00:44:31,989
>> now, julie, we know you've

1141
00:44:32,057 --> 00:44:34,124
Got a musical side, but what's

1142
00:44:34,192 --> 00:44:37,828
The other side here?

1143
00:44:37,896 --> 00:44:40,464
>> just the nice, musical one, I

1144
00:44:40,532 --> 00:44:40,831
Suppose.

1145
00:44:40,899 --> 00:44:41,332
>> come on, julie.

1146
00:44:41,399 --> 00:44:44,168
Don't be a coy dingo.

1147
00:44:44,236 --> 00:44:46,170
>> well, forgive me.

1148
00:44:46,204 --> 00:44:46,971
I believe there's 2% milk in my

1149
00:44:47,038 --> 00:44:50,975
Tea instead of 1% I requested.

1150
00:44:51,042 --> 00:44:51,742
>> richie, get your solid ass in

1151
00:44:51,810 --> 00:44:53,244
Here.

1152
00:44:53,311 --> 00:44:57,381
>> what's the matter?

1153
00:44:57,449 --> 00:45:01,785
>> does this taste funny to you?

1154
00:45:01,853 --> 00:45:02,519
Now apologize!

1155
00:45:02,587 --> 00:45:02,953
>> I'm sorry.

1156
00:45:03,021 --> 00:45:03,821
>> I don't believe you.

1157
00:45:03,888 --> 00:45:05,522
>> no, no.

1158
00:45:05,590 --> 00:45:06,657
Miss andrews, please don't.

1159
00:45:06,725 --> 00:45:07,791
Miss andrews, please don't.

1160
00:45:07,859 --> 00:45:08,125
Don't.

1161
00:45:08,193 --> 00:45:10,361
Don't!

1162
00:45:10,428 --> 00:45:16,600
[ gunshots ]

1163
00:45:16,668 --> 00:45:17,167
And here's your --

1164
00:45:17,235 --> 00:45:22,573
Here's your spoonful of sugar.

1165
00:45:22,641 --> 00:45:24,842
>> there's julie andrews on the

1166
00:45:24,909 --> 00:45:25,476
Side, that of a murderous

1167
00:45:25,543 --> 00:45:28,545
Lunatic.

1168
00:45:28,613 --> 00:45:28,912
Two sides!

1169
00:45:28,980 --> 00:45:31,115
[ gunshots ]

1170
00:45:31,182 --> 00:45:31,815
Well, that's all the time we

1171
00:45:31,883 --> 00:45:34,251
Have.

1172
00:45:34,319 --> 00:45:37,655
Until next time this is

1173
00:45:37,722 --> 00:45:39,089
Hugh jackman reminding you to

1174
00:45:39,157 --> 00:45:39,723
Keep your claws up and --

1175
00:45:39,791 --> 00:45:43,360
♪ sing out to the sun ♪

1176
00:45:43,428 --> 00:45:43,927
Crickey!

1177
00:45:43,995 --> 00:45:44,528
[ cheers and applause ]

1178
00:45:44,596 --> 00:45:58,609
♪

1179
00:45:58,677 --> 00:46:01,945
>> underground records is back.

1180
00:46:02,013 --> 00:46:02,680
>> in case you didn't notice

1181
00:46:02,747 --> 00:46:05,349
It's that crazy ass time of year

1182
00:46:05,417 --> 00:46:05,649
Again.

1183
00:46:05,717 --> 00:46:06,350
>> easter.

1184
00:46:06,418 --> 00:46:09,219
>> what better way to celebrate

1185
00:46:09,287 --> 00:46:14,291
Than with the ever crunk-ass

1186
00:46:14,359 --> 00:46:15,125
Easter festival.

1187
00:46:15,193 --> 00:46:16,560
>> we have the hottest

1188
00:46:16,628 --> 00:46:17,494
Underground rock.

1189
00:46:17,562 --> 00:46:19,396
>> give jesus nightmares.

1190
00:46:19,464 --> 00:46:24,702
>> perforrances by neeky priest,

1191
00:46:24,769 --> 00:46:29,106
Djvlade diva, eagle eye cherry.

1192
00:46:29,174 --> 00:46:32,142
>> and a special acoustic set.

1193
00:46:32,210 --> 00:46:37,147
>> we have crunk-ass funk for

1194
00:46:37,215 --> 00:46:38,182
The kids.

1195
00:46:38,249 --> 00:46:41,852
>> an easter egg hunt for all

1196
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:43,387
Your dumb ass kids.

1197
00:46:43,455 --> 00:46:46,190
>> it's also about giving back.

1198
00:46:46,257 --> 00:46:49,526
Here to tell you more is mc

1199
00:46:49,594 --> 00:46:52,262
George constanza.

1200
00:46:52,330 --> 00:46:54,164
We're going to send them stuff

1201
00:46:54,232 --> 00:46:56,200
No one else is sending them.

1202
00:46:56,267 --> 00:46:59,803
Bris us your busted ass nordic

1203
00:46:59,871 --> 00:47:02,272
Tracks and your new and lightly

1204
00:47:02,340 --> 00:47:06,643
Used condoms and we'll give you

1205
00:47:06,711 --> 00:47:07,378
A free --

1206
00:47:07,445 --> 00:47:08,746
>> kick in the [ bleep ].

1207
00:47:08,813 --> 00:47:11,281
>> we have fresh ass special

1208
00:47:11,349 --> 00:47:12,950
Guests.

1209
00:47:13,017 --> 00:47:14,885
>> the female gremlins.

1210
00:47:14,953 --> 00:47:16,587
>> stand upcomedy from the

1211
00:47:16,654 --> 00:47:17,221
Menendez brothers.

1212
00:47:17,288 --> 00:47:21,558
>> and the entire 1993 michigan

1213
00:47:21,626 --> 00:47:22,426
Basketball team.

1214
00:47:22,494 --> 00:47:24,027
>> we have the white guy.

1215
00:47:24,095 --> 00:47:24,862
>> word.

1216
00:47:24,929 --> 00:47:26,764
>> since it's easter we're going

1217
00:47:26,831 --> 00:47:30,868
To give a proper burial to ass

1218
00:47:30,935 --> 00:47:31,235
Dan.

1219
00:47:31,302 --> 00:47:33,237
>> check the tomb on the third

1220
00:47:33,304 --> 00:47:35,572
Day, bitch.

1221
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:38,242
You know I'm going to live for

1222
00:47:38,309 --> 00:47:38,575
Dair.

1223
00:47:38,643 --> 00:47:41,011
>> there's going to be mad crunk

1224
00:47:41,079 --> 00:47:42,112
Popping off.

1225
00:47:42,180 --> 00:47:44,748
>> you best avoid the noise.

1226
00:47:44,816 --> 00:47:50,888
>> say hello to honoree guests

1227
00:47:50,955 --> 00:47:53,090
The chilean miners before we

1228
00:47:53,158 --> 00:47:54,958
Send them back in the mine.

1229
00:47:55,026 --> 00:47:59,296
>> I'll be hanging at the dunk

1230
00:47:59,364 --> 00:47:59,897
Ta

1231
00:47:59,964 --> 00:48:00,197
Tang.

1232
00:48:00,265 --> 00:48:03,233
>> bitches, you get three tosses

1233
00:48:03,301 --> 00:48:05,169
And a chance to dunk this year's

1234
00:48:05,236 --> 00:48:07,237
Special guest.

1235
00:48:07,305 --> 00:48:10,541
>> elian gonzalez.

1236
00:48:10,608 --> 00:48:11,642
>> she's a he.

1237
00:48:11,709 --> 00:48:16,380
>> come swim in the toilets of

1238
00:48:16,448 --> 00:48:16,980
Sl

1239
00:48:17,048 --> 00:48:17,581
"slumdog millionaire."

1240
00:48:17,649 --> 00:48:18,982
>> see a live sex show from the

1241
00:48:19,050 --> 00:48:20,751
Green m&m's.

1242
00:48:20,819 --> 00:48:22,252
>> we have wild coyote.

1243
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:26,990
>> crunk-ass easter in the

1244
00:48:27,058 --> 00:48:30,527
Streets of libya.

1245
00:48:30,595 --> 00:48:31,128
>> see you there.

1246
00:48:55,446 --> 00:48:55,712
♪

1247
00:48:55,780 --> 00:48:57,481
>>> this week, reelz channel

1248
00:48:57,548 --> 00:48:58,248
Debuted the acclaimed eight part

1249
00:48:58,316 --> 00:48:58,915
Movie event, "the kennedys."

1250
00:48:58,983 --> 00:48:59,750
A series critics called, "ripe

1251
00:48:59,817 --> 00:49:00,450
With historical inaccuracy.

1252
00:49:00,518 --> 00:49:05,722
Complete fiction and sucky."

1253
00:49:05,790 --> 00:49:06,456
And next week, we take down

1254
00:49:06,524 --> 00:49:07,224
Another democratic dynasty with

1255
00:49:07,291 --> 00:49:07,724
"the roosevelts."

1256
00:49:07,792 --> 00:49:08,425
Learn all of f.D.R.'s dirty

1257
00:49:08,493 --> 00:49:09,126
Secrets.

1258
00:49:09,193 --> 00:49:11,695
>> eleanor, what is this?

1259
00:49:11,763 --> 00:49:12,829
>> it's a wheelchair.

1260
00:49:12,897 --> 00:49:13,930
>> what's it for?

1261
00:49:13,998 --> 00:49:14,665
>> it's going to get you elected

1262
00:49:14,732 --> 00:49:20,470
President.

1263
00:49:20,538 --> 00:49:21,838
Now sit down and act sick.

1264
00:49:21,906 --> 00:49:22,572
>> from the creator of "24" and

1265
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:25,809
The producer of "the kennedys,"

1266
00:49:25,877 --> 00:49:26,510
Joel surnow, comes a story so

1267
00:49:26,577 --> 00:49:29,813
Shocking, it has to be true.

1268
00:49:29,881 --> 00:49:30,947
>> eleanor, who is this man?

1269
00:49:31,015 --> 00:49:33,784
>> he's adolf hitler.

1270
00:49:33,851 --> 00:49:34,551
And he's going to start the war

1271
00:49:34,619 --> 00:49:38,055
That's going to make you a hero.

1272
00:49:38,122 --> 00:49:38,822
>> but eleanor, I told you all I

1273
00:49:38,890 --> 00:49:40,090
Want to do is paint!

1274
00:49:40,158 --> 00:49:48,765
>> you'll do exactly as I say!

1275
00:49:48,833 --> 00:49:50,734
>> you know, did I take

1276
00:49:50,802 --> 00:49:51,368
Liberties?

1277
00:49:51,436 --> 00:49:51,668
Sure.

1278
00:49:51,736 --> 00:49:52,335
It's tv.

1279
00:49:52,403 --> 00:49:53,837
You got to.

1280
00:49:53,905 --> 00:49:56,306
Besides we had a historian on

1281
00:49:56,374 --> 00:49:56,673
The set.

1282
00:49:56,741 --> 00:49:57,374
>> yes, I was on the set, but

1283
00:49:57,442 --> 00:49:58,141
Mostly as an object of ridicule

1284
00:49:58,209 --> 00:49:59,176
And derision.

1285
00:49:59,243 --> 00:50:00,610
Often the producers would yell

1286
00:50:00,678 --> 00:50:01,311
Hey, history guy, think fast,

1287
00:50:01,379 --> 00:50:02,045
And then throw a cup of ice at

1288
00:50:02,113 --> 00:50:03,180
Me.

1289
00:50:03,247 --> 00:50:04,581
I did not enjoy my time on this

1290
00:50:04,649 --> 00:50:09,119
Project.

1291
00:50:09,187 --> 00:50:10,287
>> finally, a movie that dares

1292
00:50:10,354 --> 00:50:11,121
To show you the steamy, sexual,

1293
00:50:11,189 --> 00:50:11,888
Intrigue of the roosevelt white

1294
00:50:11,956 --> 00:50:14,524
House.

1295
00:50:14,592 --> 00:50:15,392
>> mr. President, there's a

1296
00:50:15,460 --> 00:50:16,793
Norma jeane here to see you.

1297
00:50:16,861 --> 00:50:22,199
>> send her in.

1298
00:50:22,266 --> 00:50:24,768
♪ happy birthday to you ♪

1299
00:50:24,836 --> 00:50:26,470
>> it's not my birthday.

1300
00:50:26,537 --> 00:50:27,337
>> but it is mine.

1301
00:50:27,405 --> 00:50:33,877
[ laughter ]

1302
00:50:33,945 --> 00:50:36,446
>> even if eleanor roosevelt was

1303
00:50:36,514 --> 00:50:38,448
A lesbian, it's highly unlikely

1304
00:50:38,516 --> 00:50:39,182
She would have an affair with

1305
00:50:39,250 --> 00:50:40,016
Marilyn monroe, who was five at

1306
00:50:40,084 --> 00:50:46,923
The time.

1307
00:50:46,991 --> 00:50:49,526
>> when I heard lesbian, you

1308
00:50:49,594 --> 00:50:51,528
Know I had to run with it.

1309
00:50:51,596 --> 00:50:52,295
As for marilyn, I saw pictures

1310
00:50:52,363 --> 00:50:52,996
Of women eleanor really was

1311
00:50:53,064 --> 00:50:53,563
Friends with [ barks ]

1312
00:50:53,631 --> 00:50:54,598
So you're welcome.

1313
00:50:54,665 --> 00:50:55,732
>> "the roosevelts," 10%

1314
00:50:55,800 --> 00:51:00,537
Accurate, 20% entertaining.

1315
00:51:00,605 --> 00:51:01,271
>> we have nothing to fear, but

1316
00:51:01,339 --> 00:51:01,705
Fear itself.

1317
00:51:01,773 --> 00:51:03,106
>> that's a good line.

1318
00:51:03,174 --> 00:51:04,241
>> speaking of lines, we should

1319
00:51:04,308 --> 00:51:07,110
Do some cocaine.

1320
00:51:07,178 --> 00:51:07,711
>> hello, again, family.

1321
00:51:07,779 --> 00:51:11,381
I have returned.

1322
00:51:11,449 --> 00:51:12,482
>> teddy roosevelt!

1323
00:51:12,550 --> 00:51:14,217
>> we thought you were dead.

1324
00:51:14,285 --> 00:51:15,352
>> well, that's what I wanted

1325
00:51:15,419 --> 00:51:16,086
People to think, so I could be

1326
00:51:16,154 --> 00:51:22,459
Spy for the russians.

1327
00:51:22,527 --> 00:51:24,461
>> I don't know why

1328
00:51:24,529 --> 00:51:25,328
Teddy roosevelt looked into

1329
00:51:25,396 --> 00:51:30,734
Camera or why he was black.

1330
00:51:30,802 --> 00:51:31,535
Scene where eleanor orders the

1331
00:51:31,602 --> 00:51:32,702
Bombing of pearl harbor.

1332
00:51:32,770 --> 00:51:41,578
Topless.

1333
00:51:41,646 --> 00:51:53,123
>> emperor, tora, tora, tora.

1334
00:51:53,191 --> 00:51:53,824
>> only on the reelz channel.

1335
00:51:53,891 --> 00:51:54,558
When everyone else passes, it

1336
00:51:54,625 --> 00:51:55,058
Shows up on reelz.

1337
00:51:55,126 --> 00:51:55,492
[ applause ]

1338
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:55,959
♪

1339
00:52:15,533 --> 00:52:16,767
>> what's the maerlt matter?

1340
00:52:16,835 --> 00:52:19,903
>> the guy I met at the bar last

1341
00:52:19,971 --> 00:52:22,973
Week sent me a picture of his

1342
00:52:23,041 --> 00:52:23,941
Penis, it's disappointing.

1343
00:52:24,009 --> 00:52:26,310
>> that's it?

1344
00:52:26,378 --> 00:52:27,411
>> when you send a picture of

1345
00:52:27,479 --> 00:52:29,780
Your penis you want it to be as

1346
00:52:29,848 --> 00:52:31,415
Impressive as possible.

1347
00:52:31,483 --> 00:52:34,485
Now it can thanks to

1348
00:52:34,552 --> 00:52:35,686
Prospectives photo studios.

1349
00:52:35,754 --> 00:52:37,187
We use a series of cutting edge

1350
00:52:37,255 --> 00:52:38,589
Technical teaks to give your

1351
00:52:38,656 --> 00:52:39,723
Male member the perfect

1352
00:52:39,791 --> 00:52:40,090
Close-up.

1353
00:52:40,158 --> 00:52:41,125
>> that's the one.

1354
00:52:41,192 --> 00:52:41,725
That's great.

1355
00:52:41,793 --> 00:52:44,395
>> first, we enhance the size of

1356
00:52:44,462 --> 00:52:46,764
Your peeis but putting it next

1357
00:52:46,831 --> 00:52:48,265
To smaller objects like this

1358
00:52:48,333 --> 00:52:51,068
Regular-sized banana.

1359
00:52:51,136 --> 00:52:53,637
You got a weird skinny one?

1360
00:52:53,705 --> 00:52:57,474
It might not look as skinny next

1361
00:52:57,542 --> 00:52:59,643
To the soda can.

1362
00:52:59,711 --> 00:53:00,978
>> is that the statue of

1363
00:53:01,046 --> 00:53:01,311
Liberty?

1364
00:53:01,379 --> 00:53:02,780
>> welcome to america.

1365
00:53:02,847 --> 00:53:05,983
>> we employ other techniques

1366
00:53:06,051 --> 00:53:09,286
Such as clever angles,

1367
00:53:09,354 --> 00:53:12,289
Temperature control, partial

1368
00:53:12,357 --> 00:53:13,090
Arou

1369
00:53:13,158 --> 00:53:13,457
Arousal.

1370
00:53:13,525 --> 00:53:14,124
>> single man operation?

1371
00:53:14,192 --> 00:53:16,493
>> I have a gal that works the

1372
00:53:16,561 --> 00:53:17,694
Desk, but that's eye candy.

1373
00:53:17,762 --> 00:53:20,531
>> pump it it legs.

1374
00:53:20,598 --> 00:53:23,767
And of course if all else fails

1375
00:53:23,835 --> 00:53:25,335
There's always using another

1376
00:53:25,403 --> 00:53:26,236
Dude's wang.

1377
00:53:26,304 --> 00:53:27,004
>> oh!

1378
00:53:27,072 --> 00:53:32,142
>> we also do action shots,

1379
00:53:32,210 --> 00:53:35,379
Group shots, and some fun candid

1380
00:53:35,447 --> 00:53:36,747
Shots to show you have a sense

1381
00:53:36,815 --> 00:53:37,514
Of humor.

1382
00:53:37,582 --> 00:53:39,249
Still not convinced?

1383
00:53:39,317 --> 00:53:40,350
Just ask these creeps.

1384
00:53:40,418 --> 00:53:42,086
>> I mmt this girl, and we'd

1385
00:53:42,153 --> 00:53:43,320
Been on zero dates.

1386
00:53:43,388 --> 00:53:46,123
I decided to send her a picture

1387
00:53:46,191 --> 00:53:48,158
Of my penis.

1388
00:53:48,226 --> 00:53:50,561
They put a golf pencil next to

1389
00:53:50,628 --> 00:53:54,331
It so it would look way bigger.

1390
00:53:54,399 --> 00:53:55,966
You could tell the police were

1391
00:53:56,034 --> 00:53:56,900
Impressed.

1392
00:53:56,968 --> 00:53:58,502
>> I'm the real seth meyers.

1393
00:53:58,570 --> 00:53:59,903
When I'm not laying down the

1394
00:53:59,971 --> 00:54:05,309
Laughs on week je"weekend updat

1395
00:54:05,376 --> 00:54:10,647
Shooting off pics to every lady

1396
00:54:11,149 --> 00:54:11,982
In my phone book.

1397
00:54:12,050 --> 00:54:13,717
You're welcome, martha stewart.

1398
00:54:13,785 --> 00:54:15,686
>> come on downnto prospectives

1399
00:54:15,753 --> 00:54:16,753
Studios today.

1400
00:54:33,011 --> 00:54:33,644
>>> once again, foo fighters!

1401
00:54:33,712 --> 00:54:34,245
[ cheers and applause ]

1402
00:59:24,288 --> 00:59:24,688
>>> all right.

1403
00:59:24,756 --> 00:59:25,589
Give it up for candy.

1404
00:59:25,657 --> 00:59:26,890
All right.

1405
00:59:26,958 --> 00:59:32,195
We get a hell of a crowd here at

1406
00:59:32,263 --> 00:59:35,766
Bongo's cloud room.

1407
00:59:35,833 --> 00:59:38,735
Good to see so many faces want

1408
00:59:38,803 --> 00:59:40,971
To say what's up to our

1409
00:59:41,039 --> 00:59:42,539
International guests.

1410
00:59:42,607 --> 00:59:45,942
Guests here from asia, parts

1411
00:59:46,010 --> 00:59:46,309
Unknown.

1412
00:59:46,377 --> 00:59:47,010
You fellas ready to get rowdy?

1413
00:59:47,078 --> 00:59:47,678
That's what I like to see.

1414
00:59:47,745 --> 00:59:48,412
Glad to have you party animals

1415
00:59:48,479 --> 00:59:48,845
In the house.

1416
00:59:48,913 --> 00:59:49,513
Bittersweet moment for me,

1417
00:59:49,580 --> 00:59:49,913
Folks.

1418
00:59:49,981 --> 00:59:55,719
It's my final shift at bongo's.

1419
00:59:55,787 --> 01:00:01,291
Happy to report I won 9200 bones

1420
01:00:01,359 --> 01:00:04,861
On aascratch ticket anddleaves

1421
01:00:04,929 --> 01:00:06,930
Town tomorrow and going to a

1422
01:00:06,998 --> 01:00:07,698
Magical place I've always wanted

1423
01:00:07,765 --> 01:00:10,467
Toogo, ohio.

1424
01:00:10,535 --> 01:00:11,902
Lots of great ladies here.

1425
01:00:11,969 --> 01:00:13,303
Going to miss them all.

1426
01:00:13,371 --> 01:00:17,641
Let's bring them up one more

1427
01:00:17,709 --> 01:00:19,710
Time before my last shift ends

1428
01:00:19,777 --> 01:00:22,412
To say a quick good-bye to old

1429
01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:22,746
Tommy.

1430
01:00:22,814 --> 01:00:24,014
Up first is phoenix.

1431
01:00:24,082 --> 01:00:28,185
Oh, phoenix.

1432
01:00:28,252 --> 01:00:29,586
Phoenix is in her third year of

1433
01:00:29,654 --> 01:00:33,290
An online podiatry degree.

1434
01:00:33,357 --> 01:00:37,260
It's a one-year program.

1435
01:00:37,328 --> 01:00:38,662
Going to miss you, phoenix.

1436
01:00:38,730 --> 01:00:40,664
Give it up for phoenix.

1437
01:00:40,732 --> 01:00:41,531
She rose from the ashes to give

1438
01:00:41,599 --> 01:00:46,970
You a rise in your pants.

1439
01:00:47,038 --> 01:00:49,706
Give it up for phoenix.

1440
01:00:49,774 --> 01:00:52,743
There you go, girl.

1441
01:00:52,810 --> 01:00:54,111
Oh, yeah.

1442
01:00:54,178 --> 01:00:55,779
Guys, don't forget about the

1443
01:00:55,847 --> 01:00:58,248
Frozen drips at the bar.

1444
01:00:58,316 --> 01:01:01,118
Sipping on an electric blue

1445
01:01:01,185 --> 01:01:02,652
Myself, virgin of course.

1446
01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:03,787
Been sober for a while now.

1447
01:01:03,855 --> 01:01:12,796
Just shy of a week!

1448
01:01:12,864 --> 01:01:15,198
I tell you, I've been hearing

1449
01:01:15,266 --> 01:01:17,100
This song 100 times a day every

1450
01:01:17,168 --> 01:01:18,602
Day for 22 years.

1451
01:01:18,669 --> 01:01:20,937
Love to get a copy to take home

1452
01:01:21,005 --> 01:01:24,274
With me if we got it on

1453
01:01:24,342 --> 01:01:27,144
Cassette.

1454
01:01:27,211 --> 01:01:27,944
Speaking of rock hard, this is

1455
01:01:28,012 --> 01:01:28,845
Georgia.

1456
01:01:28,913 --> 01:01:35,819
Oh, georgia.

1457
01:01:35,887 --> 01:01:37,888
Disinfecting that pole.

1458
01:01:37,955 --> 01:01:39,923
Give it a little spritz and not

1459
01:01:39,991 --> 01:01:41,091
Taking any chances there.

1460
01:01:41,159 --> 01:01:43,760
She's been burned once or twice

1461
01:01:43,828 --> 01:01:45,862
From it.

1462
01:01:45,930 --> 01:01:46,229
Literally.

1463
01:01:46,297 --> 01:01:48,765
Going to miss georgia.

1464
01:01:48,833 --> 01:01:52,068
She taught me how to drive

1465
01:01:52,136 --> 01:01:52,435
Automatic.

1466
01:01:52,503 --> 01:01:55,872
With a bod like that, georgia's

1467
01:01:55,940 --> 01:01:58,141
Always on my miid.

1468
01:01:58,209 --> 01:02:00,043
Give it up for georgia.

1469
01:02:00,111 --> 01:02:01,778
That's georgia right there.

1470
01:02:01,846 --> 01:02:03,113
Hey, gentlemen, we want to

1471
01:02:03,181 --> 01:02:03,847
Apologize for the stray dogs in

1472
01:02:03,915 --> 01:02:06,817
The parking lot.

1473
01:02:06,884 --> 01:02:09,653
Looks like one was giving birth,

1474
01:02:09,720 --> 01:02:10,387
And you could provide it a happy

1475
01:02:10,454 --> 01:02:11,121
Home and leave your number at

1476
01:02:11,189 --> 01:02:11,588
The coat check.

1477
01:02:11,656 --> 01:02:16,760
We're having a great time here

1478
01:02:16,828 --> 01:02:18,762
At bongo's.

1479
01:02:18,830 --> 01:02:21,865
Grab a slice of hawaiian pizza,

1480
01:02:21,933 --> 01:02:27,671
Or if you like fish, try some of

1481
01:02:27,738 --> 01:02:30,340
That brown buttered skate from

1482
01:02:30,408 --> 01:02:31,174
The steam table.

1483
01:02:31,275 --> 01:02:31,875
How's is tasting over theee.

1484
01:02:31,943 --> 01:02:33,109
He's happy, one of our regulars.

1485
01:02:33,177 --> 01:02:36,179
Didn't know the place was 24

1486
01:02:36,247 --> 01:02:39,716
Hours until he told me.

1487
01:02:39,784 --> 01:02:41,384
Why don't you keep it going,

1488
01:02:41,452 --> 01:02:42,018
Gentlemen, for lace.

1489
01:02:42,086 --> 01:02:42,786
This is lace, sexy lace.

1490
01:02:42,854 --> 01:02:52,195
Whoo!

1491
01:02:52,263 --> 01:02:55,031
Her brother is in iraq.

1492
01:02:55,099 --> 01:02:57,567
An ex-pat now fighting for thh

1493
01:02:57,568 --> 01:02:57,667
R6

1494
01:02:57,668 --> 01:02:57,901
Taliban.

1495
01:02:57,969 --> 01:03:02,205
Diff'rent strokes.

1496
01:03:02,273 --> 01:03:06,943
They call her lace because she's

1497
01:03:07,011 --> 01:03:07,644
Shi

1498
01:03:07,712 --> 01:03:08,645
Thin, white and full of holes.

1499
01:03:08,713 --> 01:03:12,382
One is from a bullet.

1500
01:03:12,450 --> 01:03:13,717
That's lace.

1501
01:03:13,784 --> 01:03:19,422
All right.

1502
01:03:19,490 --> 01:03:21,024
Lovelace.

1503
01:03:21,092 --> 01:03:23,126
Please pardon our dust while the

1504
01:03:23,194 --> 01:03:25,195
Champagne room is being

1505
01:03:25,263 --> 01:03:25,562
Repaired.

1506
01:03:25,630 --> 01:03:27,330
We're going to get you some new

1507
01:03:27,398 --> 01:03:33,169
Carpet in there as required by

1508
01:03:33,237 --> 01:03:35,338
The health department.

1509
01:03:35,406 --> 01:03:35,972
Had a drug bust recently.

1510
01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:38,375
Turned into a sword fight.

1511
01:03:38,442 --> 01:03:39,075
Who knew kansas city had the

1512
01:03:39,143 --> 01:03:40,677
Japanese mafia?&

1513
01:03:40,678 --> 01:03:41,344
These guys know what I'm talking

1514
01:03:41,412 --> 01:03:57,761
About.

1515
01:04:03,601 --> 01:04:07,637
You want to keep it going for

1516
01:04:07,705 --> 01:04:10,874
The grande dame of the bongo

1517
01:04:10,942 --> 01:04:11,541
Cloud room.

1518
01:04:11,609 --> 01:04:13,877
Give it up for tonya.

1519
01:04:13,945 --> 01:04:14,778
Yum, yum, yum.

1520
01:04:14,845 --> 01:04:16,413
She's been here since the place

1521
01:04:16,480 --> 01:04:25,355
Opened in 1970.

1522
01:04:25,423 --> 01:04:28,725
She's got the bush to prove it.

1523
01:04:28,793 --> 01:04:32,996
She's lived one hell of a life.

1524
01:04:33,064 --> 01:04:37,600
Bob dylan punched her out at a

1525
01:04:37,668 --> 01:04:37,901
Party.

1526
01:04:37,969 --> 01:04:40,003
She broke off an engagement with

1527
01:04:40,071 --> 01:04:41,237
Jack ruby.

1528
01:04:41,305 --> 01:04:49,746
She wrote the movie "cocoon."

1529
01:04:49,814 --> 01:04:50,680
There you go.

1530
01:04:50,748 --> 01:04:52,449
That's tonya.

1531
01:04:52,516 --> 01:04:53,583
Probably going backstage right

1532
01:04:53,651 --> 01:04:58,722
Now to snort up some boniva.

1533
01:04:58,789 --> 01:04:59,489
Well, folks, that's the end of

1534
01:04:59,557 --> 01:04:59,856
My shift.

1535
01:04:59,924 --> 01:05:00,490
You know what that means?

1536
01:05:00,558 --> 01:05:04,961
It's 3:00 p.M.

1537
01:05:05,029 --> 01:05:08,465
Why don't you give up now for

1538
01:05:08,532 --> 01:05:10,066
My replacement.

1539
01:05:10,134 --> 01:05:12,569
Coming to the stage now is tony.

1540
01:05:12,636 --> 01:05:13,603
How are you doing, tony.

1541
01:05:13,671 --> 01:05:16,473
>> beautiful, tony.

1542
01:05:16,540 --> 01:05:19,676
>> let's hear it for tommy.

1543
01:05:19,744 --> 01:05:21,211
He's the best.

1544
01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:45,457
>>> thanks to foo fighters and

1545
01:05:45,525 --> 01:05:52,898
The cast and writers and the

1546
01:05:52,966 --> 01:05:55,067
Mighty loren.

1547
01:05:55,135 --> 01:05:55,834
Good night to all, and thank you

1548
01:05:55,902 --> 01:06:02,241
So much.