1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:04,503 Barney, afraid this is good-bye. 2 00:00:04,510 --> 00:00:06,377 Your buzz kill of a ma 3 00:00:06,379 --> 00:00:08,573 thinks I'm a... a bad influence on you. 4 00:00:08,598 --> 00:00:09,798 What? That's... 5 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,644 What is that word you taught me? 6 00:00:11,646 --> 00:00:13,913 "Bull" something? 7 00:00:13,915 --> 00:00:15,732 But she's your mother and I'm... 8 00:00:15,734 --> 00:00:18,117 you know, I'm just your Uncle Jerry. 9 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:20,537 So, this is the last time I can see you. 10 00:00:20,539 --> 00:00:23,022 But you're supposed to take me to see 11 00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:25,024 that Zeppelin cover band next week. 12 00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:27,527 The night is gonna be... 13 00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:29,963 Led-and-Jerry. 14 00:00:29,965 --> 00:00:31,798 Sorry, buddy, but this is it. 15 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,200 But don't you forget your training. 16 00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:35,919 What's a magician's best friend? 17 00:00:35,921 --> 00:00:37,003 A drunk audience. 18 00:00:37,005 --> 00:00:38,371 (laughs) Attaboy. 19 00:00:38,373 --> 00:00:41,925 You still got that button from the festival we went to? 20 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,382 Now... I'm gonna put this 21 00:00:49,384 --> 00:00:51,384 right inside your brain, behind your ear... 22 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,622 so that I'll know that you won't forget me. 23 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,524 See you, buddy. 24 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,928 And hey... 25 00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:05,865 Never... stop... partying. 26 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:11,671 NARRATOR: Kids, in 1983, Barney watched his father 27 00:01:11,673 --> 00:01:13,139 walk out of his life. 28 00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:16,876 And in 2011, when their first reunion ended badly... 29 00:01:16,878 --> 00:01:19,545 I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. 30 00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,414 NARRATOR: This time it was Barney who did the walking. 31 00:01:21,416 --> 00:01:22,715 Bye. 32 00:01:22,717 --> 00:01:25,351 NARRATOR: And that was almost the end of it. 33 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:27,287 Except, a few weeks later... 34 00:01:27,289 --> 00:01:30,823 I am so angry at my dad! 35 00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:32,759 Guess who called me today. 36 00:01:32,761 --> 00:01:35,094 Go on, guess. Mmm. 37 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:37,430 - Your dad? - My dad! 38 00:01:37,432 --> 00:01:39,632 Barney Stinson. 39 00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:40,934 Hi, Barney. It's your dad. 40 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:42,869 Look, would you like to go fishing 41 00:01:42,871 --> 00:01:44,470 with me and J.J. on Sunday morning? 42 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:47,373 Ooh, hold on, let me check my personality. 43 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,976 Oh, no. Turns out I would never do that in a million years. 44 00:01:49,978 --> 00:01:51,911 Barney, look... 45 00:01:51,913 --> 00:01:54,247 I know you're disappointed that your dad is just... 46 00:01:54,249 --> 00:01:57,116 a boring old driving instructor from the suburbs. 47 00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:00,720 But that guy I used to be... "Crazy Jerry"? 48 00:02:00,722 --> 00:02:02,655 He was bad news! 49 00:02:02,657 --> 00:02:05,091 Drinking, partying, sleeping around. 50 00:02:05,093 --> 00:02:07,593 The party can't go on forever. 51 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:10,596 You're 35; I'm-I'm sure you're starting 52 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,065 to realize that, right? 53 00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:15,802 You do not know how right you are. 54 00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:17,136 Zero right! 55 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,772 - We're not getting too old for anything. - TED: You sure? 56 00:02:19,774 --> 00:02:22,275 I feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson, 57 00:02:22,277 --> 00:02:23,776 like, at least once a year. 58 00:02:23,778 --> 00:02:24,944 (chuckling) 59 00:02:24,946 --> 00:02:26,980 I have to face an ugly truth. 60 00:02:26,982 --> 00:02:30,283 Jerry Whittaker, my own father, 61 00:02:30,285 --> 00:02:32,652 is anti-awesome-etic. 62 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:34,554 I know. 63 00:02:34,556 --> 00:02:36,422 Crazy Jerry's still in there somewhere, 64 00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:39,759 but he's trapped under 20 years of lawnmower parties 65 00:02:39,761 --> 00:02:41,928 - and carpool barbecues. - ROBIN: Wow, 66 00:02:41,930 --> 00:02:43,997 you know nothing about the suburbs. 67 00:02:43,999 --> 00:02:47,000 Well, this Saturday night, I am bustin' him out. 68 00:02:47,002 --> 00:02:48,067 I'm gonna 69 00:02:48,069 --> 00:02:49,836 make Jerry realize he was wrong 70 00:02:49,838 --> 00:02:52,739 about giving up his old life by showing him 71 00:02:52,741 --> 00:02:55,975 the awesomest night of all time. 72 00:02:55,977 --> 00:02:57,610 And for the awesomest night 73 00:02:57,612 --> 00:03:02,115 of all time, I'm going to need the awesomest friends 74 00:03:02,117 --> 00:03:03,349 of all time. 75 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,020 Okay, who do I know? 76 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,225 Guys...! 77 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,828 Do any of you know George Clooney? 78 00:03:16,914 --> 00:03:18,297 Okay, my dad's almost here. 79 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,599 I need everything to be 80 00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:21,718 as awesome as possible tonight. 81 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,236 That's why you brought these guys. 82 00:03:23,238 --> 00:03:27,206 No. That's why I brought these guys. 83 00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:28,207 I've made some 84 00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:29,809 minor improvements to your identities. 85 00:03:29,811 --> 00:03:30,943 - Uh. - Mm! 86 00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:32,111 You'll find them on these cards. 87 00:03:32,113 --> 00:03:33,179 - Improvements?! - BARNEY: Yeah. 88 00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:36,065 Bro, we are already the four 89 00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:39,685 jiggity-jamminest dudes and dudettes this side of... 90 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,838 Okay, let's see the cards. 91 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,289 Robin, no one watches the news 92 00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:45,525 unless it's a car chase or a nip slip. 93 00:03:45,527 --> 00:03:46,392 You are now 94 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,910 a professional scotch taster. 95 00:03:47,912 --> 00:03:49,062 Mm! 96 00:03:49,064 --> 00:03:50,930 Lily, Jerry needs to learn that other lifestyles 97 00:03:50,932 --> 00:03:52,498 are just as fulfilling as monogamy, 98 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,901 so now you and Marshall are in an open marriage. 99 00:03:54,903 --> 00:03:57,170 - Whoo-hoo! - Gross! 100 00:03:57,172 --> 00:03:59,572 Also, Marshall, you can't just be unemployed, 101 00:03:59,574 --> 00:04:00,740 so you are now 102 00:04:00,742 --> 00:04:03,376 a gin-swilling, womanizing playwright. 103 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,612 And, Ted, just be yourself. 104 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,248 (chuckles) Just kidding. 105 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,385 Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about. 106 00:04:12,387 --> 00:04:14,620 Well. Well, this could actually be fun. 107 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:17,723 In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said, 108 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,359 "Man is least himself when he talks..." 109 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,527 - Ted, card. - Ah. 110 00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:24,163 You're right... "No quoting Oscar Wilde." 111 00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:25,665 Finally... 112 00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,333 Robin, you're dating Ted. 113 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,734 Aw, man! 114 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,136 Why? 115 00:04:30,138 --> 00:04:31,370 BARNEY: I can't have 116 00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,172 any single female friends lying around. 117 00:04:33,174 --> 00:04:35,675 My dad'll be all, "Why don't you marry Robin? 118 00:04:35,677 --> 00:04:37,176 "You guys are cute together. Deep down, you know 119 00:04:37,178 --> 00:04:39,946 you were never happier than when you were with her." 120 00:04:39,948 --> 00:04:41,047 Uh... 121 00:04:41,049 --> 00:04:42,415 (chuckles) no, thanks. 122 00:04:42,417 --> 00:04:44,217 Hey, Barney... love the new identities. 123 00:04:44,219 --> 00:04:47,453 Little thing... instead of being a naked super ninja, 124 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:51,023 can I be Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada? 125 00:04:51,025 --> 00:04:53,292 - How good was that movie? - Oh, my God. 126 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,261 (others talking at once) 127 00:04:55,263 --> 00:04:56,362 And... 128 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:59,132 hence new identities. 129 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,436 NARRATOR: And so Barney's dad finally showed up. 130 00:05:03,438 --> 00:05:05,738 Jerry, you remember Marshall... he's a well-known writer. 131 00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:07,106 Playwright. We're all writers, 132 00:05:07,108 --> 00:05:10,193 just some of us don't know what our story is yet. 133 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,978 Lily, his wife. 134 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,148 Well, most nights. Mama don't let no ring 135 00:05:15,150 --> 00:05:17,216 get in the way of a good time. 136 00:05:17,218 --> 00:05:19,118 That's... a little depressing. 137 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,253 TED: Uh, hi again. 138 00:05:20,255 --> 00:05:21,354 Ted. Oh, and, Jerry, 139 00:05:21,356 --> 00:05:23,506 - you remember my girlfriend. - Robin. Hi. 140 00:05:23,508 --> 00:05:25,658 So nice to see you again. 141 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:27,460 Wait, wait. Jerry, 142 00:05:27,462 --> 00:05:28,861 I got to tell you the truth. 143 00:05:28,863 --> 00:05:30,062 Guys, I'm gonna tell him. 144 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,498 We're also a band. 145 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,133 ROBIN: Two, three, four! 146 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:40,022 ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ 147 00:05:40,024 --> 00:05:41,173 ♪ Ba, ba, ba ♪ 148 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:45,011 ♪ Ba, ba, ba, da, da, da, da, da, da! ♪ 149 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,565 Ow! Yeah! 150 00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:53,018 So, Saturday night... time to cut loose, right? 151 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,820 Who wants to split a beer? 152 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,522 BARNEY: Oh, we're not drinking here. 153 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:58,157 Tonight we're going big. 154 00:05:58,159 --> 00:06:00,793 Let's see, what club should we hit first? 155 00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:03,429 There's Club Was, there's Wrong... 156 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,765 Um, those places shut down a long time ago. 157 00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:06,432 Oh, no. 158 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:07,466 Oh, No shut down, too. 159 00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,068 - There's Where? - Where's Where? 160 00:06:09,070 --> 00:06:10,536 Where's where Was was, isn't it? 161 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:13,306 No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right? 162 00:06:13,308 --> 00:06:15,408 Okay. Not Okay. That place is lame. 163 00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:17,910 Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. 164 00:06:17,912 --> 00:06:18,945 Or is that Wrong? 165 00:06:18,947 --> 00:06:20,813 That's wrong. That's not Wrong. 166 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:21,747 Guys, focus. 167 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,215 Oh, I like Focus. Let's go there. 168 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:24,917 Where? Not Where. Focus. 169 00:06:24,919 --> 00:06:26,419 I thought Focus was closed. 170 00:06:26,421 --> 00:06:27,587 No, Was was Closed. 171 00:06:27,589 --> 00:06:30,022 Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed. 172 00:06:30,024 --> 00:06:31,057 So Closed is open. 173 00:06:31,059 --> 00:06:31,958 No, Closed is closed. 174 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:32,959 I don't know. 175 00:06:32,961 --> 00:06:34,727 Third base! Right? 176 00:06:34,729 --> 00:06:36,562 Ew, Third Base is all frat guys. 177 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,730 I'll go anyplace, okay? 178 00:06:37,732 --> 00:06:39,765 Not Okay. Okay is lame. 179 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:40,917 Okay is not Lame. 180 00:06:40,919 --> 00:06:42,401 Lame is a gay bar. 181 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:43,302 Guys, shut up. 182 00:06:43,304 --> 00:06:44,637 No, Shut up shut down. 183 00:06:44,639 --> 00:06:47,506 I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore. 184 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,609 Guys, just pick a club, okay? 185 00:06:49,611 --> 00:06:51,210 Not Okay! 186 00:06:51,212 --> 00:06:52,478 OTHERS: Okay is Lame! 187 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,680 Gay bar. 188 00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,917 For the record, I was in there once by accident. 189 00:06:57,919 --> 00:07:00,820 I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé. 190 00:07:00,822 --> 00:07:03,723 It's hopeless, isn't it? 191 00:07:03,725 --> 00:07:06,091 (dance music playing) MARSHALL: Wow. 192 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:08,027 A lot of these girls are young enough 193 00:07:08,029 --> 00:07:09,595 - to be our daughters. - I know. 194 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,263 Daddy's home. 195 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,432 And Granddaddy's home! 196 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,002 Tonight rocks so hard! 197 00:07:16,004 --> 00:07:18,571 I might be allergic to this stamp. 198 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,044 Oh, my God, my secret crush is here. 199 00:07:25,046 --> 00:07:26,012 Mila Kunis?! 200 00:07:26,014 --> 00:07:28,781 No, my secret crush. 201 00:07:28,783 --> 00:07:31,584 We met a few years ago. 202 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,489 Hi. I could use a woman's opinion. 203 00:07:36,491 --> 00:07:39,191 Is this working for me? 204 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:40,826 Uh... no. 205 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:41,761 (laughs) 206 00:07:41,763 --> 00:07:42,812 The only good thing 207 00:07:42,814 --> 00:07:44,296 about how ugly that shirt is, 208 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:48,034 is that it distracts from how terribly it fits you. 209 00:07:48,036 --> 00:07:50,102 I was trying on the pants. 210 00:07:50,104 --> 00:07:52,104 Oh. (Laughs) 211 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,357 I had to leave before we could 212 00:07:54,359 --> 00:07:55,708 finish talking, so that was it. 213 00:07:55,710 --> 00:07:56,909 You know, ever since then, I've always... 214 00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:59,178 Oh, my God, he's coming over here. 215 00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:00,446 Oh. Hello. 216 00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:02,882 - Hi. A few years ago at a department store... - Hi. 217 00:08:02,884 --> 00:08:04,784 ...did you embarrass the hell out of me? 218 00:08:04,786 --> 00:08:07,453 Oh, I'm sorry, you must have me confused 219 00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:10,623 with the shirt you were wearing that day. 220 00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:12,324 I should be so lucky. 221 00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:14,093 Hi! I'm Ted! 222 00:08:14,095 --> 00:08:15,711 Robin's boyfriend! 223 00:08:15,713 --> 00:08:17,029 Nice to meet you. 224 00:08:17,031 --> 00:08:18,497 Right. 225 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,933 Um... it was really nice to see you again. 226 00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,802 - Mm-hmm. You, too. - Yeah. 227 00:08:22,804 --> 00:08:23,803 (pats Robin twice) 228 00:08:23,805 --> 00:08:26,055 (whispers): You owe me one. 229 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:28,741 Man, isn't this place great? 230 00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:31,344 Uh, I don't know. It's so loud! 231 00:08:31,346 --> 00:08:32,678 And so bourgeois. 232 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,815 Many of plays are about the bourgeois. 233 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,583 And ennui. 234 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,687 And one rock opera about... 235 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,090 a frozen yogurt shop. 236 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,861 Uh, L-Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage. 237 00:08:48,863 --> 00:08:52,665 Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings 238 00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,367 and photo shoots 239 00:08:54,369 --> 00:08:55,634 and being way too mean 240 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:56,752 to my assistant, 241 00:08:56,754 --> 00:08:59,739 I sometimes bang an underwear model. 242 00:08:59,741 --> 00:09:00,606 My goodness! 243 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:01,741 I sleep around, too. 244 00:09:01,743 --> 00:09:03,008 Just as much. 245 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,276 A little more, even. 246 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:07,045 Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day. 247 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,614 Are we having this fight again? 248 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,383 Writing plays is a real job! 249 00:09:10,385 --> 00:09:14,019 I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job." 250 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,154 I won a Tony! 251 00:09:15,156 --> 00:09:17,523 I brought French cooking to America! 252 00:09:17,525 --> 00:09:19,291 What? 253 00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:22,128 - Let's do shots. - Uh, no, thank you, Barney. 254 00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:24,930 I have that fishing trip with J.J. early tomorrow. 255 00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:27,366 - I... I better take it easy. - No. 256 00:09:27,368 --> 00:09:29,835 Don't you remember what you said to me when I was a kid? 257 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,171 "Never stop partying." 258 00:09:32,173 --> 00:09:33,672 I said that? 259 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,474 To a six-year-old? 260 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,176 I don't remember that. 261 00:09:37,178 --> 00:09:38,744 You don't remember the last thing 262 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:41,147 you said to me when I was a kid? 263 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,182 Well... 264 00:09:43,184 --> 00:09:45,184 you know, why don't you just go back home? 265 00:09:45,186 --> 00:09:46,802 But I want to hang out with you. 266 00:09:46,804 --> 00:09:49,121 Yeah, well, I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry, 267 00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:51,457 not Stay-at-Home Jerome. 268 00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:53,626 Fine. 269 00:09:53,628 --> 00:09:55,461 You want Crazy Jerry? 270 00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:09,675 There! You got him! 271 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:16,215 I apologize... it might take a few minutes to kick in. 272 00:10:16,217 --> 00:10:17,450 Oh... Oh... 273 00:10:17,452 --> 00:10:19,618 (others talking at once) 274 00:10:20,889 --> 00:10:24,556 Hey, sugar! Five beers for the table, 275 00:10:24,649 --> 00:10:26,149 a Seven-and-Seven for me, 276 00:10:26,151 --> 00:10:28,785 and your ten digits for this guy here! 277 00:10:28,787 --> 00:10:33,006 Tonight Crazy Jerry's gonna burn this disco down! 278 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,391 JERRY: Whoo! Wa-hah! 279 00:10:35,393 --> 00:10:36,759 Can you believe it? 280 00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:38,361 - This is awesome! - Barney, 281 00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:40,863 how is that awesome? 282 00:10:40,865 --> 00:10:44,200 ♪ ♪ 283 00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:48,171 I finally know what it's like to be embarrassed by my dad. 284 00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:50,039 So you really believe 285 00:10:50,041 --> 00:10:52,442 that if we were in an open marriage 286 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,744 - that you would do better than me? - Hey, 287 00:10:54,746 --> 00:10:57,330 you do better than me at a lot of other things, 288 00:10:57,332 --> 00:10:59,148 like digesting dairy... 289 00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:01,617 and reaching for stuff. 290 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:02,852 Okay, you know what? 291 00:11:02,854 --> 00:11:04,020 Game on. 292 00:11:04,022 --> 00:11:06,889 If I can score five numbers before you can, 293 00:11:06,891 --> 00:11:09,158 then we have sex in the bathroom. 294 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,260 But... 295 00:11:10,262 --> 00:11:12,729 if you can score five numbers before me, 296 00:11:12,731 --> 00:11:15,298 then we have sex in the bathroom. 297 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,532 So our usual wager. 298 00:11:17,034 --> 00:11:18,601 Deal. 299 00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,238 Hey, uh, hey, Jerry, 300 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,607 y... you really want to be out here like this? 301 00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:26,659 Oh, sorry, small-town preacher from the Midwest, 302 00:11:26,661 --> 00:11:29,812 is there a law against dancing? 303 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,664 No, of course not. I... I just... 304 00:11:31,666 --> 00:11:32,865 Oh, this club blows. 305 00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:35,151 Let's hit the greatest party in the world, 306 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,919 the streets of New York! 307 00:11:36,921 --> 00:11:38,988 - Yeah! Let's do it! - Yeah! 308 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:41,824 Uh, maybe fix the tie. 309 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,993 But mostly, party! 310 00:11:45,546 --> 00:11:47,213 Okay, Jerry's gone; Let's break up. 311 00:11:47,215 --> 00:11:50,166 Okay. "I would have stolen you a whole orchestra." 312 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,634 There. What's the rush? 313 00:11:51,636 --> 00:11:54,170 Well, that guy who came over here who thinks we're dating, 314 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,605 I kind of have a crush on him. 315 00:11:55,607 --> 00:11:56,839 Can you help me clear it up? 316 00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:58,341 Really? That guy? 317 00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,809 He was, like, a four. 318 00:11:59,811 --> 00:12:03,946 A four? God, you are, like, the worst judge of guys ever. 319 00:12:03,948 --> 00:12:06,544 Okay, if he is a four, what are you? 320 00:12:06,545 --> 00:12:07,320 Hey! 321 00:12:07,419 --> 00:12:09,619 I'm not perfect; I'm an eight... 322 00:12:09,621 --> 00:12:11,487 and a half. 323 00:12:11,489 --> 00:12:13,489 You're a doofus and a half. 324 00:12:13,491 --> 00:12:15,158 Fine. Let's go talk to him. 325 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,993 Where'd you meet this booger-eater anyway? 326 00:12:16,995 --> 00:12:19,462 At a close-out sale at Dawes. 327 00:12:19,464 --> 00:12:21,497 Really? I remember that sale. 328 00:12:22,299 --> 00:12:23,366 TED: Hey, Robin. 329 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,101 Oh, Ted. Oh, no. 330 00:12:25,103 --> 00:12:26,769 Look what I just bought. 331 00:12:26,771 --> 00:12:29,806 Right? Right? 332 00:12:29,808 --> 00:12:32,408 Hold on. We were dating then. 333 00:12:32,410 --> 00:12:33,776 I specifically remember, 334 00:12:33,778 --> 00:12:36,145 because we had great sex that night. 335 00:12:36,147 --> 00:12:38,514 Great sex. 336 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:40,600 Let me guess. 337 00:12:40,602 --> 00:12:41,951 Someone wants to knock... 338 00:12:41,953 --> 00:12:44,420 boots. (imitating gunshots) 339 00:12:45,989 --> 00:12:47,023 Boots. 340 00:12:47,025 --> 00:12:49,092 - Just take off your damn shirt. - Okay. 341 00:12:49,094 --> 00:12:50,443 All right. 342 00:12:50,445 --> 00:12:52,161 All right. Whoa, 343 00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:53,413 - stop. - What? 344 00:12:53,415 --> 00:12:54,664 Stop. Perfect. 345 00:12:54,666 --> 00:12:57,200 But I... I can't see, and you can't see me. 346 00:12:57,202 --> 00:13:00,703 Yeah. Yeah, just like that. 347 00:13:00,705 --> 00:13:03,539 - You were picturing your crush! - Well, 348 00:13:03,541 --> 00:13:05,608 somebody had to. 349 00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:10,346 Okay, okay, answer me this. 350 00:13:10,348 --> 00:13:14,083 Are you absolutely sure it had nothing whatsoever... 351 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,419 to do with the boots? 352 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,987 Yes. 353 00:13:19,156 --> 00:13:20,189 You hear that, everybody? 354 00:13:20,191 --> 00:13:22,792 She said "yes"! We're getting married! 355 00:13:22,794 --> 00:13:23,860 (Ted chuckles) 356 00:13:23,862 --> 00:13:25,027 I love this girl. 357 00:13:25,029 --> 00:13:26,696 I'm never letting her go. 358 00:13:26,698 --> 00:13:28,231 (loud smooch) 359 00:13:31,535 --> 00:13:32,602 (chuckling) 360 00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:35,488 Hey... Bottoms up, amigo! 361 00:13:35,490 --> 00:13:37,123 NARRATOR: After that, 362 00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:39,742 Barney's memory of the night got a little hazy. 363 00:13:39,744 --> 00:13:41,577 You want to fight me? 364 00:13:42,346 --> 00:13:46,549 Well, I'll fight you, dummy! 365 00:13:46,551 --> 00:13:48,751 You don't even know! 366 00:13:48,753 --> 00:13:50,586 (laughing): Hey, hey! There we go! 367 00:13:50,588 --> 00:13:52,288 (grunting) 368 00:13:53,157 --> 00:13:55,141 (yelling) 369 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,761 Oh, look what I just ripped out of the ground! 370 00:13:58,763 --> 00:14:00,396 Oh...! 371 00:14:00,398 --> 00:14:01,764 (laughing) 372 00:14:01,766 --> 00:14:04,367 I just puked on the hood of that... 373 00:14:04,369 --> 00:14:06,903 (siren blares) ...police car! (Laughing) 374 00:14:06,905 --> 00:14:08,171 (both laughing) 375 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,007 Too bad your playwright friend 376 00:14:11,009 --> 00:14:13,209 isn't a lawyer. 377 00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,343 Barney, I'm so sorry. 378 00:14:19,284 --> 00:14:20,651 I'm afraid this is what it's like 379 00:14:20,671 --> 00:14:22,871 hanging out with Crazy Jerry. 380 00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:26,473 It's okay, Dad. 381 00:14:26,475 --> 00:14:30,611 I never thought tonight would be so awesome! 382 00:14:30,613 --> 00:14:31,878 So... 383 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,647 next stop, strip club. 384 00:14:33,649 --> 00:14:35,515 The Lusty Leopard has a special... 385 00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:37,951 Oh, for corn's sake, Barney, I'm not drunk! 386 00:14:37,953 --> 00:14:39,353 - What? - I told you, 387 00:14:39,355 --> 00:14:40,687 I don't party anymore, 388 00:14:40,689 --> 00:14:43,056 and you wouldn't take no for an answer. 389 00:14:43,058 --> 00:14:44,124 So... 390 00:14:44,126 --> 00:14:47,961 I used a little... sleight-of-hand... 391 00:14:49,330 --> 00:14:52,599 to make you think otherwise. 392 00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,951 Here you go. 393 00:14:53,953 --> 00:14:55,769 (laughs) Whoa! 394 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,971 Bottoms up, amigo! 395 00:14:57,973 --> 00:14:59,456 (chuckles) 396 00:14:59,458 --> 00:15:00,874 Mm. 397 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:03,443 But all those crazy things you did. 398 00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:07,080 Do you happen to remember what a magician's best friend is? 399 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:10,750 A drunk audience. 400 00:15:10,752 --> 00:15:13,320 You want to fight me? 401 00:15:13,322 --> 00:15:16,757 Well, I'll fight you, dummy! 402 00:15:16,759 --> 00:15:18,592 No, no, no. 403 00:15:18,594 --> 00:15:21,595 You don't even know! 404 00:15:21,597 --> 00:15:22,596 Right here! 405 00:15:22,598 --> 00:15:24,131 Look. 406 00:15:25,199 --> 00:15:27,300 Look what I just ripped out of the ground! 407 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:28,301 Oh...! 408 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:30,270 (cackles) 409 00:15:30,272 --> 00:15:32,456 (Barney groaning) 410 00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:33,940 What just happened? 411 00:15:33,942 --> 00:15:36,543 I... I just puked on the hood of that... 412 00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:38,278 (siren blares) (chuckles) 413 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,579 police car. 414 00:15:39,581 --> 00:15:41,948 (chuckling) 415 00:15:41,950 --> 00:15:43,850 Well, why do all those things? 416 00:15:43,852 --> 00:15:46,053 I figured if I showed you what... 417 00:15:46,055 --> 00:15:48,555 "never stop partying" really looked like, 418 00:15:48,557 --> 00:15:51,758 you'd realize you can't do it forever. 419 00:15:52,694 --> 00:15:55,128 (sighs heavily) Oh, well. 420 00:15:56,864 --> 00:16:01,735 You lied to me all night for your own selfish reasons? 421 00:16:02,704 --> 00:16:04,738 Daddy...! 422 00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:09,042 I wanted to hang out with you... you're my son. 423 00:16:09,044 --> 00:16:11,545 And since you didn't want to come with me and J.J. 424 00:16:11,547 --> 00:16:12,946 On that fishing tri... 425 00:16:12,948 --> 00:16:15,716 Fishing trip. 426 00:16:15,718 --> 00:16:18,985 I'll never make it back in time now. 427 00:16:21,823 --> 00:16:24,458 Hey, you know, a... a pretty good magician like you 428 00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:25,959 probably knows how to, say, 429 00:16:25,961 --> 00:16:28,795 get out of a standard set of handcuffs. 430 00:16:28,797 --> 00:16:30,897 Perhaps. 431 00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:34,768 Well, here's something you didn't know... 432 00:16:34,770 --> 00:16:37,738 I'm a pretty good magician, too. 433 00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:41,391 (both giggling) 434 00:16:41,393 --> 00:16:43,310 Abracadabra! 435 00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:44,578 (both laughing) 436 00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:46,396 Congratulations! 437 00:16:46,398 --> 00:16:48,281 Oh, hey! Thank you so much. 438 00:16:48,283 --> 00:16:50,617 We're super excited. We're thinking June. 439 00:16:50,619 --> 00:16:52,052 (laughs) Yeah, okay. 440 00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:53,587 Okay, jerk... 441 00:16:53,589 --> 00:16:57,090 do you remember how you ended up buying those red cowboy boots? 442 00:16:57,092 --> 00:16:58,325 (chuckling): Wow. 443 00:16:58,327 --> 00:17:01,294 Wardrobe malfunction at the O.K. Corral! 444 00:17:01,296 --> 00:17:03,713 I mean, who in their right mind would ever... 445 00:17:03,715 --> 00:17:06,533 You would look so totally hot in those. 446 00:17:06,535 --> 00:17:08,868 Do you have these in a size 11? 447 00:17:09,771 --> 00:17:11,772 So get off the field at the Superdome, 448 00:17:11,774 --> 00:17:13,406 because you ain't no saint. 449 00:17:14,342 --> 00:17:16,143 Hello. 450 00:17:16,145 --> 00:17:17,561 - I, uh... - Oh. 451 00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:19,780 Hi, Robin. 452 00:17:20,982 --> 00:17:24,518 Could I have your phone number? 453 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,987 - We need someplace to hide. - Where? 454 00:17:26,989 --> 00:17:29,322 No, Jerry, this is not the time to go to another club! 455 00:17:29,324 --> 00:17:33,126 We've got to get you back home in time for that trip. 456 00:17:33,128 --> 00:17:35,629 But there's no more trains, there's no cabs. 457 00:17:35,631 --> 00:17:36,797 Well, uh... 458 00:17:36,799 --> 00:17:40,417 I do have a few driving students in the city. 459 00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:42,369 - Step on it! Jerry... - Do not step on it. 460 00:17:42,371 --> 00:17:43,970 Jerry, we have got to get you home 461 00:17:43,972 --> 00:17:45,205 in time for that fishing trip. 462 00:17:45,207 --> 00:17:46,506 The laws are there to protect... 463 00:17:46,508 --> 00:17:48,125 - This is no time for laws! - Buckle up, Barney. 464 00:17:48,127 --> 00:17:51,628 - I am not going to buckle up! - I am your father! You will listen to me! 465 00:17:54,715 --> 00:17:57,217 Hey! How's the open marriage going? 466 00:17:57,219 --> 00:17:58,919 Who was the first one to get the five numbers? 467 00:17:58,921 --> 00:18:00,020 I won that race. 468 00:18:00,022 --> 00:18:02,656 My prize... sex in the bathroom. 469 00:18:02,658 --> 00:18:05,392 And I won that race. 470 00:18:08,563 --> 00:18:10,897 Aw, sorry that secret crush didn't work out for you. 471 00:18:10,899 --> 00:18:15,068 Oh, it's okay. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. 472 00:18:15,070 --> 00:18:16,603 Why are you smiling? 473 00:18:16,605 --> 00:18:18,004 I don't know. 474 00:18:18,006 --> 00:18:20,440 Good night. 475 00:18:20,442 --> 00:18:22,242 Saw that girl again. 476 00:18:22,244 --> 00:18:24,377 And guess what? She's engaged. 477 00:18:24,379 --> 00:18:25,912 So that's the end of that. 478 00:18:25,914 --> 00:18:28,331 NARRATOR: It wasn't the end of that. More on that later. 479 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:32,252 And her fiancé? The guy's like a two. 480 00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:37,290 How did you do it? 481 00:18:37,292 --> 00:18:38,791 Do what? 482 00:18:38,793 --> 00:18:41,127 How did you become this? 483 00:18:41,129 --> 00:18:44,064 I mean, I love my life, but... 484 00:18:44,066 --> 00:18:47,400 I'm not sure I like loving it. 485 00:18:47,402 --> 00:18:50,103 - Sure, strip clubs... - You're drifting. 486 00:18:50,105 --> 00:18:51,872 Hey, I'm trying to open up to you... 487 00:18:51,874 --> 00:18:54,574 No, Mrs. Perkins, you're drifting! 488 00:18:55,443 --> 00:18:57,978 Go on, Barney. 489 00:18:57,980 --> 00:19:01,915 When I think about going for anything more than that, 490 00:19:01,917 --> 00:19:07,020 I look at my life, and who I am, and... 491 00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,857 I'm too far gone. 492 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,993 I'm broken. 493 00:19:14,962 --> 00:19:19,349 Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be. 494 00:19:19,351 --> 00:19:21,834 And look at me now. 495 00:19:21,836 --> 00:19:26,973 Don't get me wrong... settling down is... a challenge. 496 00:19:26,975 --> 00:19:29,242 It's the biggest challenge of your life. 497 00:19:29,244 --> 00:19:31,044 So how do you do it? 498 00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:35,081 A magician never reveals his greatest trick. 499 00:19:36,017 --> 00:19:37,884 But I'll give you a hint. 500 00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:40,520 You gotta meet the right girl. 501 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,407 Who knows? 502 00:19:44,409 --> 00:19:47,193 Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow. 503 00:19:47,195 --> 00:19:50,664 Maybe I've met her already. 504 00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:54,584 And park. And emergency brake. 505 00:19:56,771 --> 00:19:58,505 I did have a good time tonight. 506 00:19:58,507 --> 00:19:59,906 And hey, if you want to 507 00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:01,875 go fishing, we got room in the boat. 508 00:20:01,877 --> 00:20:04,377 Maybe some other time. 509 00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:05,745 Okay. 510 00:20:06,847 --> 00:20:08,181 Oh, and, uh... 511 00:20:08,183 --> 00:20:12,385 thanks for taking such good care of this. 512 00:20:12,387 --> 00:20:15,855 It means a lot to me that you kept it safe all these years. 513 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:34,741 I'm going fishing with my dad. 514 00:20:43,432 --> 00:20:48,136 (inhales deeply, exhales) 515 00:20:51,474 --> 00:20:54,843 This... 516 00:20:54,845 --> 00:20:56,678 sucks. 517 00:20:57,212 --> 00:21:02,812 Sync and corrected by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com