1 00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:02,897 [Ted Narrating] Kids, when your Uncle Marshall... 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,166 finally quit Goliath National Bank to do something better with his life... 3 00:00:06,272 --> 00:00:07,830 he left on great terms with his boss. 4 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:12,139 Good luck, Marshall. And promise you'll list me as a reference. 5 00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:13,872 [Elevator Bell Dings] 6 00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:17,181 [Ted Narrating] Which made Marshall's big interview... 7 00:00:17,283 --> 00:00:19,649 with a respected environmental organization all the more confusing. 8 00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:23,120 I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. 9 00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:25,657 I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB. 10 00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,920 Oh, yeah. I worked with Marshall Eriksen. 11 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,428 At least I did when he actually showed up. 12 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:34,022 - [Bell Dings] - Marshall! Hey, it's... it's 2:30. 13 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:38,002 If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you tried to get here at least before lunch. 14 00:00:38,104 --> 00:00:41,403 Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass. 15 00:00:41,508 --> 00:00:43,135 [Slaps Butt] 16 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:49,439 Oh! Mr. Eriksen, you're not wearing any pants. 17 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,177 Your move. 18 00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:57,987 But, Marshall, what... what about the environment? 19 00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,026 Screw the environment! 20 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:04,585 - "Screw the environment"? - [Sighs] Oh, yeah. 21 00:01:04,697 --> 00:01:07,632 We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office... 22 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,964 with an even cuter seal. 23 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,038 Guy's a maniac. 24 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:16,199 He's just an awful, flatulent racist. 25 00:01:16,309 --> 00:01:19,540 - Sir, none of that is... - Sorry. Interview over. 26 00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:27,044 [Ted Narrating] And so Marshall stormed over to GNB, where he ran into Zoey. 27 00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:30,953 If you wanna get back at those jerks, I have a proposition for you. 28 00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:35,783 Invitations for the demolition of the Arcadian. 29 00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:38,591 As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down. 30 00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:41,223 I'm torn between training an actual coyote... 31 00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,825 to use an Acme dynamite plunger... 32 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:47,395 or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar... 33 00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:50,476 that goes off the second he hits the last note to "Hot For Teacher." 34 00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:54,343 [Imitates Guitar Note, Fuse Sizzling, Explosion] 35 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,211 [Imitates Crowd Cheering] Barney! Barney! Bar... 36 00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:58,944 No. No. I'm gonna go coyote. 37 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,521 While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote... 38 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,749 wearing a little hard hat more than me... 39 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:08,259 remember, Zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down. 40 00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:10,659 Oh, come on! Zoey's not shutting anything down... 41 00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:13,664 standing out there with her stupid megaphone, screaming in the wind... 42 00:02:13,766 --> 00:02:16,234 butt cheeks trembling with fury... 43 00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:18,770 her perky breasts heaving... 44 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,772 her self-righteous nipples... 45 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,899 Dude, that's my girlfriend. 46 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:26,467 Point is, we are takin' her and the Arcadian down. 47 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,877 - Am I right, Teddy Westside? - You know it! 48 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,883 - Ha-ha! - Okay, see, that's so weird to me. 49 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,078 That one second you're defending Zoey... 50 00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:36,451 and the next you're talking about her going down. 51 00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:38,990 Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. 52 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,559 What up? 53 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,390 Dude, that's his girlfriend. 54 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,487 Isn't it tough dating the woman... 55 00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,964 that's trying to prevent your building from being built? 56 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:51,002 At first, yes, but we figured out a great way to deal with it. 57 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,731 We never talk about it. 58 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,307 And since then, we've really been enjoying each other's company. 59 00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,308 So, every time the Arcadian comes up... 60 00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,742 you guys just awkwardly change the subject? 61 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,838 Yeah. But you'd be surprised. Doesn't even come up that often. 62 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,507 - Hey, guys. - [All] Hey! 63 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:07,814 Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save the Arcadian. 64 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:14,553 So, Oprah's retiring. Oof! 65 00:03:14,661 --> 00:03:16,993 What's that world gonna be like? 66 00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,799 ##[Upbeat Pop] 67 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,267 ##[Man Vocalizing] 68 00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:31,136 ##[Ends] 69 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:34,369 Wait. Marshall's helping you save the Arcadian now? 70 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,678 Yeah. Having a former GNB employee on our side is huge for us. 71 00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:41,083 - GNB is goin' down. - Totally. 72 00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:45,780 So they found water on Mars. What? 73 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,955 Listen, I hate to go up against my two best friends... 74 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,963 but I really... I really need this right now. 75 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,692 I mean, we're cool, right? 76 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,566 Not only do you quit the job I stuck my neck out to get you... 77 00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,434 now you sabotage the project I'm in charge of? 78 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,134 Is this because I brushed Lily's boob with my elbow the other day? 79 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,006 - That was on purpose! - What now? 80 00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:07,306 - This is really crossing the line. - Barney, please... 81 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:08,903 [Ted Narrating] And thus began an all-out war... 82 00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:10,642 - between Barney and Marshall. - Get used to it! 83 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,877 Delivery from Mr. Stinson. 84 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,954 Barney sent us pictures of himself. 85 00:04:15,054 --> 00:04:17,818 - Oh, God. What's he doing to that megaphone? - [Screams] 86 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:19,951 Ugh. 87 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,259 - [Screams] - Oh! 88 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:26,059 [Cackling] 89 00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:28,531 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! 90 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:32,969 [Ted Narrating] Later, back at the bar, another war was just beginning. 91 00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:37,542 Babe, can I get you a drink? 92 00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:41,842 No. I'm still not ready to put my mouth on anything yet. 93 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,746 [Sighs] I know. 94 00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:48,309 You know what? Screw this. Game on. 95 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,027 Can you believe this one? Wants our booth. 96 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,929 Keeps giving us the walk-by. 97 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,366 That bitch is not giving us the walk-by. 98 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:05,437 The walk-by with the stink-eye. 99 00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:07,267 [Squeaky Voice] The stink-eye walk-by? 100 00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,204 Aw, hell, no! 101 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,142 I hope this drink isn't teething, 'cause it's about to get nursed. 102 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,446 [Grunts] 103 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,108 Barney, your wife just called from the hospital. 104 00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:20,310 - It's a boy! - Look... 105 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,285 [Stammering] 106 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,353 [Ted Narrating] This went on for days. 107 00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:27,949 Congratulations. 108 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,996 You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with. 109 00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,031 [Blows Raspberry] Try 283. 110 00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:35,828 250 was months ago. No, no, no. 111 00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:38,927 I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, no! 112 00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:41,006 Oh, bye-bye. [Chuckling] 113 00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:49,814 Mr. Stinson, I had to rush down as soon as I got your results. 114 00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:54,353 I'm sorry, but your crabs... have super herpes. 115 00:05:59,058 --> 00:06:01,856 Oh, boy. Look who's back. 116 00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:05,158 Look, Lily. I think this girl wants our seat. 117 00:06:05,264 --> 00:06:08,995 Should we leave or stay here Lionel Richie style... 118 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:11,502 "All Night Long"? 119 00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:14,334 [Chuckles] Excuse me, waitress. I'll have a mojito. 120 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,533 And you'll have a no-seat, ho! 121 00:06:16,642 --> 00:06:18,610 Oh! 122 00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,372 [Loud Mock Laugh] 123 00:06:23,282 --> 00:06:27,582 Ah, yes. The sweet, smoky taste of victory. 124 00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:29,917 Are you sure it doesn't taste like anything else? 125 00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:33,054 - [Gasps] - That's it! 126 00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,922 Kent, Kent! 127 00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:38,155 Oh, God! [Screams] Why would you do that to your own jacket? 128 00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:42,064 That's what you get, you traitor! 129 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:43,692 - Oh, really? - Yeah, really. 130 00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:45,600 - Really? - Yeah. Re... 131 00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:48,697 Okay! Enough! You guys are outta here. 132 00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,867 - Come on! - Ejected. 133 00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:55,641 I meant all of you! You're all banned from the bar! Out! 134 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,739 - Carl! - [Sighs] Carl. 135 00:06:57,850 --> 00:07:00,978 This has nothing to do with us. It's totally ridiculous. 136 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,319 - [Robin Gasps] - [Gasps, Sighs, Chuckles] 137 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,655 Don't look, baby. Just don't look. 138 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,387 Come on. 139 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,397 This stupid feud isn't gonna end... 140 00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:18,493 until Marshall and Barney finally talk about their feelings, cry... 141 00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:21,664 and then hug it out like they do on Oprah. 142 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:24,004 Man, what are we gonna do without her? 143 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,975 - Oh! - [Sighs] 144 00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,409 Oprah. 145 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:32,111 Wait. You know what? These guys are not gonna get all mushy sober. 146 00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:34,186 We need to get these bitches drunk. 147 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,949 Yes, but the right kind of drunk. 148 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:40,822 Uh, we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine? 149 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:45,193 Oh, I don't know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. 150 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,892 He reaches a point of sad clarity. 151 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,661 [All] Ten, nine, eight... 152 00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:51,794 - I'm a B-plus. - seven, six... 153 00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:54,839 My whole life I was hoping to be an "A," and I'm a B-plus. 154 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,671 ...three, two, one! - And I'm okay with that. 155 00:07:57,777 --> 00:08:00,007 [Crowd] Happy New Year! 156 00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:04,048 If we want them to open up, I say we go straight-up gin. 157 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,414 Ooh. Last time Marshall got gin drunk... 158 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:09,283 - was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to. - Mmm. 159 00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,618 Marshall almost got in a fight that night. 160 00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:14,591 - ##[Loud Electronic Dance] - [People Chattering] 161 00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,459 [Thinking] Look at this meatball. 162 00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:24,332 He's headed right towards me, showin'me no respect. 163 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:28,134 Well, if he wants to play chicken, this rooster ain't backin'downl 164 00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,609 Oh. Mirror. 165 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,544 - How about martinis? - Absolutely not. 166 00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:40,915 I'm not going anywhere near you and a martini. 167 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,988 Why not? 168 00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:47,048 - Mmm. Know what would be stupid? - Ooh. 169 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:50,185 If we made out. That would be so stupid. [Laughing] 170 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,932 Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out. 171 00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,600 Every time. 172 00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:02,504 I only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. 173 00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:05,099 - So stupid. - Uh-huh. 174 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:09,238 Oh, yeah? Well, what about you and absinthe? 175 00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:12,715 I don't know. We could have water, soda, purple stuff. 176 00:09:12,818 --> 00:09:15,116 We're a dream a baby's having. 177 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:18,748 A dream that babies have. [Giggling] 178 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:21,850 - I keep telling you, that didn't... - It happened, and it changed me. 179 00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:25,555 - How about daiquiris? - Maybe. 180 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,565 When Marshall has daiquiris... 181 00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:31,159 he gets really into how beautiful he is. 182 00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:33,067 Hey. 183 00:09:33,172 --> 00:09:36,471 I dare you guys to dare us to make out. 184 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,942 Hey, Marsh, you know that's another mirror, right? 185 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,681 - Peppermint schnapps? - No! 186 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:47,150 - Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson. - Who? 187 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,916 The crazy old host of Family Feud who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth. 188 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,485 Hey there, darlin'. 189 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,994 How you doin'? 190 00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,156 Hi. Is this your sister? Mmm, mmm. 191 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:04,760 Beautiful! Mmm. Mmm. 192 00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:07,771 - Hey, where are our chicken wings? - Show me "chicken wings"! 193 00:10:07,873 --> 00:10:12,071 - [Bell Dings] - Ah! Good order, Ted! 194 00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:14,669 Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey, then we're off. 195 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,805 - See ya Sunday. - [Lily] Oh, wait, Ted. 196 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:20,079 Do you have a specific reaction to any kind of alcohol? 197 00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:23,019 Bourbon. When I drink bourbon... 198 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:26,421 I get weirdly good at beatboxing. 199 00:10:26,525 --> 00:10:29,619 ## [Beatboxing] 200 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,399 - Peace. I'm out. - [Cheering] 201 00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:37,992 Yeah! 202 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:40,800 Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you... 203 00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:43,773 but the bourbon only makes it sound good to you. 204 00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:45,343 [Sputters] Pa-choo! 205 00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:46,968 [Sputters] Pa-choo! 206 00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:48,637 Ki-ki-ki-ki, ki-ki-ki-ki! 207 00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,181 Ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka-ka! 208 00:10:50,282 --> 00:10:51,715 Koo-koo-koo-koo, koo-koo-koo-koo! 209 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,945 Poom! [Sputtering] 210 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,954 Peace. I'm out. 211 00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:59,422 [Microphone Feedback] 212 00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,787 You had to take that away from me, didn't you? 213 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:08,093 Well, enjoy Martha's Vineyard. 214 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,668 Hopefully, by the time you get back, we'll be allowed back into MacLaren's. 215 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:15,230 - What do you mean? - Barney and Marshall's feud got us banned from the bar. 216 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,172 [Choking Up] We lost our booth. 217 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:18,641 - Oh... - Stop. 218 00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:22,475 Man, how did things get so screwed up? 219 00:11:22,581 --> 00:11:25,379 [Ted Narrating] Of course, I knew the answer to that... I was dating her. 220 00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:28,282 But I wasn't about to ruin our first big romantic weekend away... 221 00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:32,517 by bringing up the one topic we agreed was completely off-limits. 222 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:35,423 - You and the Arcadian are ruining my life! - What? 223 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,656 - I thought we weren't talking about... - We're talking about this. 224 00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:42,029 Look, I can handle you trying to prevent me from fulfilling a lifelong dream. 225 00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:44,034 That's just being in a relationship. 226 00:11:44,136 --> 00:11:46,229 But now you turn my best friend against me? 227 00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:48,329 Marshall made his own choice. Why aren't you mad at him? 228 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,409 Because he's going through a lot right now. 229 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:52,875 He's looking for something to believe in, and you took advantage of that. 230 00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:55,947 You're just like those Internet swindlers who tricked him into paying 300 bucks... 231 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,675 for a lock of Sasquatch fur. 232 00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,978 You cannot compare the Arcadian... 233 00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:02,384 to a Ziploc bag full of Turkish armpit hair. 234 00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:05,286 The Arcadian is a beautiful, magnificent hotel. 235 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,087 Okay. You know what? We're settling this once and for all. 236 00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:13,292 Okay. We've cross-referenced every alcohol... 237 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,492 with Marshall and Barney's reaction. 238 00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,626 What's the right drink for this situation? 239 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,934 Well, they're not talking. They're not even looking at each other. 240 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:25,807 God, it reminds me of those awkward Sunday dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress. 241 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,209 [Giggling] Families, right? 242 00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:30,111 - Oh. - l-I guess. 243 00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,707 That seems like a whole other thing. 244 00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:36,582 We need a drink that will start a fight. 245 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,089 [Ice Cubes Clink In Glass, Liquid Pouring] 246 00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:41,557 Do you know what I had to do to get you that job? 247 00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:44,151 Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up every day? 248 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,664 What? Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what your hair looked like? 249 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:51,567 I showed up with wet hair oncel Once! 250 00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:53,695 [Barney] Fine. I'm trying to say... 251 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,602 [Object Clatters] 252 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,644 Well, here we are. 253 00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:03,579 I had a reservation at a four-star inn overlooking the ocean... 254 00:13:03,682 --> 00:13:07,049 but, uh, how can that compete with such a beautiful... 255 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:09,621 magnificent hotel? 256 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:18,062 Welcome to the Arcadian. 257 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:19,927 - [Squeaking, Scampering] - [Gasps] 258 00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:27,265 So here's the deal. 259 00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:30,934 If you can last until sunrise in your precious Arcadian... 260 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:32,670 I'll join your side. 261 00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:36,111 You're on. This place is fantastic. 262 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:38,080 - Oh. - They even left a chocolate on the pillow. 263 00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:40,015 That's not a chocolate. 264 00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:43,444 - How dare you! - Why do you keep making up everything about... 265 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,751 Okay, now we need to get them something that will make them... 266 00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:48,019 emotionally vulnerable and completely, pathetically honest. 267 00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:51,392 Yeah, we need a drink that... that takes subtext and turns it into text. 268 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,464 Yeah. 269 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:55,056 ##[Fiddle: Jig] 270 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:58,136 See, ever since the death of my father... 271 00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:00,637 I have been drawn to the idea of preservation. 272 00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:02,673 That's why the Arcadian speaks to me. 273 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,938 Ever since my father walked out on my childhood... 274 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:09,981 I've had serious abandonment issues. You walking out on me like that... 275 00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:14,075 - I didn't even think of that. - It made me wonder what could I have done to make him stay. 276 00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,654 You didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't you, Barney. 277 00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:19,417 That's what everyone keeps saying, but people just keep leaving me! 278 00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:22,891 [Sobbing] 279 00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:25,156 - Wow, that got real o'clock. - Yeah. 280 00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:27,357 We need to get them up and having fun. 281 00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:29,866 ##[Cuban Son] 282 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:36,169 [Laughing] Dance, my puppets, dance. 283 00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:39,506 [Lily] Now do you see why I'm always interfering in other people's lives? 284 00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,580 Oh, God. Totally. 285 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,510 No. 286 00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,551 Well, we're here for the night. 287 00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:54,955 Might as well have some fun. Care to join me? 288 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,756 Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull. 289 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:01,496 Ooh, something just passed through me. 290 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,262 Can you get S.T.D.'s from the ghost of a prostitute? 291 00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:10,700 - [Woman] Hey! - What are you doing in our bathroom? 292 00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:13,676 [Woman] This bathroom for entire floor! 293 00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:16,213 [Toilet Flushing] 294 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,240 Okay. Final round. 295 00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:22,718 What simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other? 296 00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:24,448 Sharing a brandy. 297 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:27,354 Which is what I walked into my parents doing once. 298 00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:29,552 Brandy was my father's mistress. 299 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,687 Parents, right? 300 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:34,493 Again, just a whole other thing, sweetie. 301 00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,234 - Where'd they go? - Oh, no. 302 00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:39,668 - They did shots. [Sniffs] - What... What is it? 303 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,503 What's the worst thing they could possibly drink right now? 304 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,839 ##[Trumpets: Mariachi] 305 00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:53,317 Your place or mi... [Hiccups] 306 00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,478 Your place or mi... [Hiccups] 307 00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:57,817 Let's go to your place. [Grunts] 308 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:05,397 [Ted Narrating] Kids, don't drink tequila. 309 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:09,900 These were supposed to be for a romantic dinner on our balcony... 310 00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:12,732 as we were serenaded by the sounds of the ocean. 311 00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:15,238 But I guess we'll have to settle for what sounded like... 312 00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:18,538 two very large men having sex next door... 313 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,477 with a third very small man. 314 00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:25,107 I think that small man sounded very moved by the Arcadian's beauty. 315 00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:29,618 Okay. What is it? And don't give me, "It's beautiful." 316 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,782 Don't give me, "It's magnificent." 317 00:16:32,891 --> 00:16:36,850 What is it about this place that makes you so passionate to save it? 318 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:40,432 Uh... [Sighs] 319 00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:44,134 Well... 320 00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,433 when I was a little girl... 321 00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,507 my family used to live here. 322 00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:51,701 Why-Why have you never told me that? 323 00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,370 I never tell anyone that. 324 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,449 It makes it sound like it would be impossible for me to be objective... 325 00:16:57,549 --> 00:17:00,245 but... [Sighs] 326 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,446 the truth is, l... 327 00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:05,523 I loved growing up here. 328 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,551 We had just moved to New York. 329 00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:12,357 We were completely broke. 330 00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:16,594 But my mom told my sisters and me that the Arcadian was a castle... 331 00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:19,664 and we believed her. 332 00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:24,104 I know it's not what it used to be... 333 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:30,007 but this building is a part of who I am. 334 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,312 That's why I want so badly... 335 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,616 for you to like it too. 336 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,386 [Ted Narrating] Kids, you never forget the first time, or place... 337 00:17:41,493 --> 00:17:43,654 you tell a girl... 338 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:45,889 I love you. 339 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,522 I love you too. 340 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,865 [Toilet Flushing] 341 00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:59,174 Come on in. You're unbanned. 342 00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,974 I gave these guys some drinks, and they calmed down and made up. 343 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,106 - Well, what drink finally did the trick? - [Chuckles] 344 00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:06,241 ##[Rock] 345 00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,280 - [Lily] A beer. - Of course, beer. 346 00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:12,255 - I love you. - I love youl [Laughing] 347 00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,093 No, no. Not right now. [Chuckles] 348 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:21,088 You know, I guess this place isn't so bad. 349 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,600 See? With a little renovation, we could restore it to its former... 350 00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:25,260 - [Squeaks] - [Gasps] What was that? 351 00:18:25,370 --> 00:18:27,964 - What was what? - I think it went under the bed. 352 00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:30,303 - Yeah. I don't see anything. - [Loud Squeak] 353 00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:32,843 [Screams] Ted! Ted! What is that? 354 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,742 Oh, my God! 355 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,577 - It's the cock-a-mouse! - The what? 356 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:42,313 Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. 357 00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:45,413 It used to live in our apartment. It must've settled here. 358 00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:48,288 - And, oh, look! It had babies. - [Squeaking] 359 00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:51,362 - Good for it! - Ew. 360 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,363 I give up. You win. Let's go. 361 00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:58,536 Be well, my friends! 362 00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,371 Aw, just how we left them. 363 00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,605 - [Door Closes] - Morning. 364 00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,773 Who wants breakfast? 365 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:15,513 You got some coffee so I can throw it in this traitor's face? 366 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:17,248 Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey! 367 00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:19,950 Do you guys have some pancakes, because l... 368 00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:21,889 would really like some pancakes. 369 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,122 They're fantastic. Let's be honest. I love them. But I hate this guy! 370 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:27,289 I thought they made up last night. 371 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:29,697 [Sighs] Damn it. I know what happened. 372 00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:32,736 - I love you. - I love youl [Laughing] 373 00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:37,438 No, no. Not right now. [Chuckles] 374 00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:40,671 - Carl, a round of champagne. - Ooh! 375 00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:43,009 - The champagne! - We gave them one drink too many. 376 00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:45,310 They must have blacked out and forgotten the whole thing. 377 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:49,183 What kind of dirtbag doesn't stand by his best friends... 378 00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:52,553 but instead sides with some self-righteous bitch... 379 00:19:52,658 --> 00:19:54,888 with a pointless cause and a megaphone? 380 00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:57,655 Dude, that's my girlfriend. 381 00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,731 And you know what? 382 00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:04,333 - I'm on her side now too. - [Barney] Whoa. Whoa. 383 00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,200 You have got to be kidding me! Ted! 384 00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:09,103 Okay, what drink can fix this? 385 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:13,668 Mama's done with this drama. What drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me? 386 00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:16,180 I got it. 387 00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:20,751 Right? 388 00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:23,821 Time is music the planets make. 389 00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:27,380 [Both Giggling] 390 00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:34,264 [No Audible Dialogue] 391 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,568 - [Laughing] - What is that? 392 00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:50,913 - [Gags] - [All Groaning] 393 00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:53,109 [Retching] 394 00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:25,817 English - US - SDH