1
00:00:01,140 --> 00:00:03,340
I mean, I understand that
the woman is new to the school
2
00:00:03,341 --> 00:00:04,840
and everybody's bending
over backwards
3
00:00:04,841 --> 00:00:08,209
trying to make her feel welcome,
but "teacher of the month?"
4
00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:09,809
Please.
5
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:13,009
That's an outrage.
6
00:00:13,010 --> 00:00:14,570
And it has nothing to do
with the fact
7
00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:16,780
that I was "teacher of the
month" for the last six months.
8
00:00:16,781 --> 00:00:18,540
You know, two more
and I would have gotten
9
00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:21,009
to keep the ceramic owl.
10
00:00:21,010 --> 00:00:24,009
I did not know that.
11
00:00:24,010 --> 00:00:25,509
Not that I'm
bragging, you know.
12
00:00:25,510 --> 00:00:28,979
Just a deserved recognition
for being a good teacher.
13
00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:31,149
I didn't get it for wearing
a push-up bra
14
00:00:31,150 --> 00:00:32,480
and giggling like an idiot
15
00:00:32,481 --> 00:00:35,379
every time some man
"makes a funny. "
16
00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:36,419
(Chuckles)
17
00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:37,680
That reminds me.
18
00:00:37,681 --> 00:00:39,950
Did you hear the joke
about the blind prostitute?
19
00:00:40,820 --> 00:00:43,389
Mike, I'm telling you
about my day.
20
00:00:43,390 --> 00:00:46,350
Punch line is "you gotta
hand it to her. " (Laughs)
21
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:48,690
You know, 'cause she's blind.
Yeah.
22
00:00:48,691 --> 00:00:50,160
Vince:
I tell you, Joyce,
23
00:00:50,161 --> 00:00:52,959
I'm really starting to get
the hang of this yoga malarkey.
24
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,189
If I get any more limber,
I won't need you anymore.
25
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,829
Hey, cowboy,
26
00:00:57,830 --> 00:00:59,329
if you can do it, do it.
27
00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:02,999
That cuts my workload in half.
28
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,499
She's got you doing yoga?
29
00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:07,669
Yeah, she wants to show me off
at her high school reunion.
30
00:01:07,670 --> 00:01:09,729
That's why she's got me
twisting in knots
31
00:01:09,730 --> 00:01:11,870
and sniffing my own buttocks.
32
00:01:13,170 --> 00:01:15,939
I can't wait to glide into
that Sheraton banquet hall
33
00:01:15,940 --> 00:01:18,109
with this hunk of Italian
sausage on my arm.
34
00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:20,510
You know, when you describe
me as a piece of meat,
35
00:01:20,511 --> 00:01:22,740
it makes me feel
like a piece of meat.
36
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,379
Anyway, if you ask me, I think
37
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:28,810
little miss
"teacher of the month"
38
00:01:28,811 --> 00:01:30,579
is in for a rude awakening.
39
00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:31,750
And we're back.
40
00:01:31,751 --> 00:01:33,679
She's gonna, she's gonna find
41
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,080
that your field trips,
and learning games
42
00:01:36,090 --> 00:01:38,350
and, you know, trying to be
best friends with the kids
43
00:01:38,351 --> 00:01:41,889
is not the- a substitute
for actual teaching.
44
00:01:41,890 --> 00:01:44,489
I mean, she lets the kids
call her by her first name.
45
00:01:44,490 --> 00:01:48,029
There is a balance between
being loving and being firm.
46
00:01:48,030 --> 00:01:50,559
I don't think miss
Jennifer gets that.
47
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:55,399
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
48
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,770
♪ I see love. ♪
49
00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:10,919
It's just insane the way
people are fawning all over her.
50
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,180
Oh, did I tell you about
51
00:02:12,181 --> 00:02:13,750
the great parking
spot they gave her?
52
00:02:13,751 --> 00:02:16,919
You did.
I was appalled.
53
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,290
Oh, look, escape from
the planet of the apes is on.
54
00:02:19,291 --> 00:02:21,790
I think that's the one where
the monkeys go back in time
55
00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,460
and wear suits and get jobs.
56
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,229
Mike.
57
00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:28,429
That parking thing
is a travesty.
58
00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:29,799
Right?
59
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,899
And meanwhile, I'm parking
behind the cafeteria,
60
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,609
under a tree filled with birds
61
00:02:33,610 --> 00:02:37,539
who apparently eat nothing
but lasagna and chocolate milk.
62
00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:41,249
My glutes are still vibrating
from that yoga class.
63
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:44,450
You could shake up
a Martini in my crack.
64
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,319
Hey, I just got a batch
of Cuban cigars
65
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,419
and I thought you might
want to partake.
66
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,749
That sounds great.
67
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:54,950
Mike, we're-we're in the middle
of a conversation.
68
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,820
It's just the middle?
69
00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:01,289
I'd love to Vince,
70
00:03:01,290 --> 00:03:03,460
but, uh, my girlfriend
is sharing her day with me.
71
00:03:03,461 --> 00:03:06,699
Actually, we're
sharing our days
72
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:07,960
with each other.
73
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:10,729
Yeah, right. That.
74
00:03:10,730 --> 00:03:12,629
Well, have you gotten
to the part
75
00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:14,399
where you pass on an $80 cigar
76
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,369
because you were pretending
to listen to your girlfriend?
77
00:03:17,370 --> 00:03:18,370
Hey, I'm not pretending.
78
00:03:18,371 --> 00:03:19,770
I listen to every word she says.
79
00:03:19,771 --> 00:03:22,140
I could tell you for a fact
that today, for lunch,
80
00:03:22,141 --> 00:03:24,740
Molly had lasagna
and chocolate milk.
81
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,650
Go smoke.
82
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:36,419
Nothing like the taste
of a fine havana cigar
83
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:41,089
smuggled through the negligent
borders of our Canadian cousins.
84
00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:44,489
Lucky for the both of us,
we're burning the evidence.
85
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:47,799
Where the commies fall short
is tennis shoes and electronics.
86
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,360
Never ever buy a Cuban iPhone
87
00:03:50,370 --> 00:03:53,530
or a pair of air castros.
88
00:03:54,370 --> 00:03:56,639
Good to know.
89
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,369
Listen,
90
00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,769
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
91
00:04:00,770 --> 00:04:02,140
Kind of a personal matter.
92
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:05,480
Oh, boy, everybody's
in a chatty mood tonight.
93
00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:09,879
What I'm about to tell you
is strictly hush-hush.
94
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,150
'Cause if Joyce ever found out,
it would kill her.
95
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:15,049
Thank you for the cigar and
the pleasant conversation,
96
00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:17,589
but I don't want to hear
about another woman.
97
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:18,850
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
98
00:04:18,851 --> 00:04:22,159
This ain't about me
getting some on the side. Geez.
99
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,420
I got to pop oysters
and stiffy pills
100
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,959
just to keep up with
the big red machine in there.
101
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,829
Good.
102
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:31,169
'Cause I really want
to finish that cigar.
103
00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:32,669
Come on, sit down.
104
00:04:32,670 --> 00:04:34,670
Take a considerable load off.
105
00:04:39,370 --> 00:04:41,909
Okay, here it is.
106
00:04:41,910 --> 00:04:45,140
All this talk about
Joyce's high school reunion
107
00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:47,149
has made me feel bad
108
00:04:47,150 --> 00:04:49,879
about not being
a high school graduate.
109
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,619
Is that it?
110
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:52,680
Yeah, what'd you think,
111
00:04:52,690 --> 00:04:55,150
I was gonna profess
my love to you?
112
00:04:55,990 --> 00:04:57,359
No, it's just that
113
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,889
not graduating from high
school isn't that big a deal.
114
00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:01,189
It is to me.
115
00:05:01,190 --> 00:05:03,959
And I've never told that
to another living soul.
116
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,599
You're kidding.
Well,
117
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,399
I was gonna confide it
to my wife on her death bed,
118
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,599
but we had so many other
important things to talk about.
119
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,609
Of course.
120
00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:15,339
Code to the alarm system,
121
00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:18,209
her recipe for manicotti,
122
00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:21,680
what dry cleaners
my good black suit was at.
123
00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:26,419
Well, if you're worried about
what Joyce will think,
124
00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:27,820
I'm sure she'll understand.
125
00:05:27,821 --> 00:05:28,950
Joyce must never know.
126
00:05:28,951 --> 00:05:30,519
I don't want her to find out
127
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,820
my worldly,
sophisticated exterior
128
00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:34,989
is nothing but a facade.
129
00:05:34,990 --> 00:05:37,859
You know, technically,
the exterior is the facade.
130
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:39,399
I think it's French
or something.
131
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,069
See, that right there
is why I don't tell people.
132
00:05:42,070 --> 00:05:44,539
You're already talking to me
like I'm an idiot.
133
00:05:44,540 --> 00:05:47,169
No, I'm just saying,
you shouldn't feel bad
134
00:05:47,170 --> 00:05:48,640
about not graduating
high school.
135
00:05:48,641 --> 00:05:51,179
Easy for you to say;
You're a learned man.
136
00:05:51,180 --> 00:05:52,779
Well, I wouldn't say "learned,"
137
00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:54,979
but I had a strong "c" average
in high school,
138
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,979
which made the transition to
junior college a smooth path.
139
00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:01,019
Hang on. You're telling me
you went to college?
140
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:03,419
Two full years and a
mandatory summer session.
141
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:05,289
That was eighth grade for me!
142
00:06:05,290 --> 00:06:08,859
Geometry made me its bitch.
143
00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:12,329
Well, why don't you just
get your GED?
144
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,270
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
145
00:06:14,271 --> 00:06:15,730
You're a government employee.
146
00:06:15,731 --> 00:06:17,999
Maybe you could pull
a couple of strings
147
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,939
and slide me one
under the table.
148
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:22,469
Doesn't really work that way.
149
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:24,910
This isn't something I can just
fix, like a parking ticket.
150
00:06:24,911 --> 00:06:27,410
You told me you couldn't fix
parking tickets. I can't.
151
00:06:27,411 --> 00:06:30,149
Then why are you
dangling the carrot?
152
00:06:30,150 --> 00:06:32,110
Look, if you want
to get your GED,
153
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,479
you got to take the test.
But lucky for you,
154
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,750
there's a woman in that house
that can help you study.
155
00:06:36,751 --> 00:06:37,990
You mean Molly.
156
00:06:37,991 --> 00:06:39,820
Voted "teacher of the month"
six times in a row.
157
00:06:39,821 --> 00:06:43,259
She received the coveted
ceramic owl.
158
00:06:43,260 --> 00:06:46,329
She doesn't really
like me, though.
159
00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:49,630
I mean, I get that kids
are always standoffish
160
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,539
when they know
you're banging their mom,
161
00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:55,709
but she goes the extra mile.
162
00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:59,940
Yeah, she has yet to succumb
to your unique charms.
163
00:06:59,950 --> 00:07:01,280
Plus, women tell each other
everything,
164
00:07:01,281 --> 00:07:03,180
and she'll end up
blabbing it to Joyce.
165
00:07:03,181 --> 00:07:04,480
Can't argue with you there.
166
00:07:04,481 --> 00:07:06,780
That family could
talk underwater.
167
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,320
Hey, maybe you could get
a tutor.
168
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,729
How 'bout you?
169
00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:13,990
I don't know. I was always
170
00:07:13,991 --> 00:07:16,459
kind of a "wing and a prayer"
kind of student.
171
00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:19,369
They used to call me
Mr. cliff notes.
172
00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:21,169
But what about junior college?
173
00:07:21,170 --> 00:07:24,969
That's really just a high school
where you can smoke.
174
00:07:24,970 --> 00:07:26,240
My point exactly.
175
00:07:26,241 --> 00:07:29,039
If a load like you can get
kicked through the system,
176
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,639
there's still hope for me.
177
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,709
Well, that's not flattering,
178
00:07:32,710 --> 00:07:35,980
but I can certainly see
what got you there.
179
00:07:39,020 --> 00:07:40,849
(Door opens, Mike sighs)
180
00:07:40,850 --> 00:07:42,559
A shower was a good idea.
181
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,720
I am fresh as a Daisy.
182
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:48,830
Unfortunately, now your loofah
smells like cigar smoke and B.O.
183
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,760
Sexy.
184
00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:54,329
Did you and Vince
have a good time tonight?
185
00:07:54,330 --> 00:07:56,469
It was okay.
He's a decent enough guy.
186
00:07:56,470 --> 00:07:59,069
See, that's where
you and I part ways.
187
00:07:59,070 --> 00:08:01,470
What did he want
to talk to you about?
188
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,740
Nothing in particular.
189
00:08:02,741 --> 00:08:04,109
Just cigar talk.
190
00:08:04,110 --> 00:08:06,049
"Cigar talk?"
You know,
191
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,250
"this is a good cigar. "
192
00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:09,050
"Glad you like it. "
"I like it a lot. "
193
00:08:09,051 --> 00:08:10,180
"Hey, is that a cat?"
194
00:08:10,181 --> 00:08:12,080
"No, it's a possum. "
Cigar talk.
195
00:08:13,350 --> 00:08:15,289
Well, I guess that's more fun
196
00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:17,689
than having a conversation
with your girlfriend.
197
00:08:17,690 --> 00:08:21,659
Only because of the cigars
and the possum sighting.
198
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:24,959
May I offer you some
squeaky-clean loving?
199
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,829
Hang on, hang on.
200
00:08:26,830 --> 00:08:30,399
So Vince just wanted
to give you an $80 cigar
201
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,040
and didn't want
anything in return?
202
00:08:32,041 --> 00:08:34,709
Same guy that offered
you a box of steaks
203
00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:37,079
in exchange for a
handicap parking pass.
204
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,340
I felt bad about that.
205
00:08:38,341 --> 00:08:41,579
He already bought those
nice aluminum crutches.
206
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,419
But tonight, he just wanted to
share something in confidence,
207
00:08:44,420 --> 00:08:45,749
you know, man-to-man.
208
00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:48,889
Doesn't have anything to
do with my mom, does it?
209
00:08:48,890 --> 00:08:50,690
Not really; I mean,
other than the fact
210
00:08:50,691 --> 00:08:53,089
he doesn't want her
to know about it.
211
00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:54,490
Wait a minute,
are you telling me
212
00:08:54,491 --> 00:08:55,830
that he's keeping
something from her?
213
00:08:55,831 --> 00:08:58,300
Just because
he's deeply ashamed.
214
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,870
Okay. So if that's
a "no" on the sex,
215
00:09:01,871 --> 00:09:03,270
I will bid you good night.
216
00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:10,980
What can I do?
A man tells me a secret,
217
00:09:10,981 --> 00:09:12,480
I got to take it to the grave.
218
00:09:12,481 --> 00:09:14,209
Of course.
219
00:09:14,210 --> 00:09:16,949
So Vince Moranto didn't
graduate high school.
220
00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:19,719
And you can understand why I
couldn't tell Molly that, right?
221
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:20,719
Absolutely.
222
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,219
It's a personal,
private matter.
223
00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:25,359
And we all know women are
notorious blabbermouths.
224
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,390
I hate to say it,
225
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,029
but it is kind of true,
isn't it?
226
00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:30,200
I tell my grandma one secret
and the next thing you know,
227
00:09:30,201 --> 00:09:31,700
everybody in church is
peeking around to see
228
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,369
if I'm really going commando
underneath my choir robe.
229
00:09:34,370 --> 00:09:35,899
You actually do that?
230
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,540
If they spent the money
on air-conditioning
231
00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:38,800
instead of that
stupid youth bus,
232
00:09:38,801 --> 00:09:40,470
I wouldn't have to
be swinging low
233
00:09:40,471 --> 00:09:42,170
while I'm singing
"sweet chariot"
234
00:09:43,610 --> 00:09:45,510
hey, what are you guys
talking about?
235
00:09:45,511 --> 00:09:47,880
Molly's mom's boyfriend told
Mike something in confidence,
236
00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:51,079
and now Molly's upset because
Mike didn't tell her what it is.
237
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:55,289
Oh... women love the gossip,
don't they?
238
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:57,859
In Senegal, I once dated
two sisters at the same time,
239
00:09:57,860 --> 00:09:59,489
and it was less than a week
240
00:09:59,490 --> 00:10:01,290
before they blabbed it
to each other.
241
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,130
Then on top of that, they tried
to make me the bad guy.
242
00:10:06,530 --> 00:10:07,900
So what is the big secret?
243
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,969
Vince didn't graduate
high school.
244
00:10:09,970 --> 00:10:11,709
Interesting.
245
00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:15,110
You know, Henry the cook
is a dropout, too.
246
00:10:16,210 --> 00:10:18,280
But you didn't hear it from me.
247
00:10:23,650 --> 00:10:25,520
So, I was looking through
one of the study guides,
248
00:10:25,521 --> 00:10:27,020
and they say
the best way to start
249
00:10:27,021 --> 00:10:28,350
is by taking a sample test.
250
00:10:28,351 --> 00:10:30,119
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Right to it?
251
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,450
No foreplay?
252
00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:34,460
You don't want
to dance or rub zippers?
253
00:10:40,130 --> 00:10:43,429
Look, this is just a way to find
out where your weak areas are
254
00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:45,100
and what we need
to concentrate on.
255
00:10:45,101 --> 00:10:47,199
I can tell you
what my weak areas are:
256
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,639
Processing dairy
and taking tests.
257
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,010
And they both turn my bowels
into an ass Cannon.
258
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,139
Vince, relax.
259
00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:57,340
And remember, most of this stuff
is just common sense.
260
00:10:57,350 --> 00:10:59,210
So take your time
and do your best.
261
00:10:59,211 --> 00:11:01,420
All right.
262
00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:04,819
"Which of the following
political actions
263
00:11:04,820 --> 00:11:08,359
"violated the principles of
unalienable rights of liberty
264
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,989
that evolved from the U.S.
Declaration of independence?"
265
00:11:11,990 --> 00:11:13,329
Is this for high school
266
00:11:13,330 --> 00:11:17,029
or to become
President of the United States?
267
00:11:17,030 --> 00:11:18,370
Come on.
Just think it through
268
00:11:18,371 --> 00:11:20,130
and break it down.
I told you,
269
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:21,400
I don't break things down well,
270
00:11:21,401 --> 00:11:23,239
and I had a milk shake
for lunch.
271
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:26,009
All right, let's just move on
to the next question.
272
00:11:26,010 --> 00:11:27,109
Fine.
273
00:11:27,110 --> 00:11:30,240
"Which three of the
original 13 colonies... "
274
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:31,579
For crying out loud,
275
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:35,249
I don't know if this
is math or history.
276
00:11:35,250 --> 00:11:37,650
I'm not really sure where
they're headed, either.
277
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,219
Just forget it.
278
00:11:40,220 --> 00:11:41,490
I'm not good at tests.
279
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:43,259
I never been good at tests.
280
00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:45,989
I get nervous,
I can't focus, I get fidgety.
281
00:11:45,990 --> 00:11:47,129
Add?
282
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,300
Hey, I can add.
283
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,130
I just don't like tests.
284
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:57,169
Bathroom break.
285
00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:58,769
Vince, we just got started.
286
00:11:58,770 --> 00:12:01,040
Wasn't really a question.
287
00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:06,889
This one right here
288
00:12:06,890 --> 00:12:09,859
was prom queen, junior
and senior year.
289
00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:11,190
She's a cute little filly.
290
00:12:11,191 --> 00:12:15,030
Now she's a
beer-hauling clydesdale.
291
00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:19,460
Well, that prom queen
is going to be green with envy
292
00:12:19,470 --> 00:12:21,129
when she sees you walking in,
293
00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:24,199
with your yoga Booty
and your sexy man on your arm.
294
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,399
Oh, yeah.
295
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,500
She'll be snorting
and stomping her hoof.
296
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:32,839
I better bring some
carrots and sugar cubes.
297
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,109
Ooh, something smells
good in here.
298
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:36,619
I'm trying a new
brownie recipe.
299
00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:40,149
The secret is less brownie, more pot.
300
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,359
Don't burn it
like the last batch.
301
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,590
I was second-hand
high for a week.
302
00:12:48,030 --> 00:12:49,529
So... where's
Vince tonight?
303
00:12:49,530 --> 00:12:52,459
Mm, he said he had to work late,
but he's coming over later.
304
00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:53,999
Ooh, that reminds me.
305
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,200
I gotta wax the wigglies.
306
00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:00,969
Hey, is, uh, everything
okay with you two?
307
00:13:00,970 --> 00:13:02,439
Sure.
308
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,079
You didn't notice anything
odd about his behavior?
309
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,079
Well, he's been
a little cranky lately,
310
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,149
but he's probably
just annoyed at me
311
00:13:10,150 --> 00:13:12,020
for pushing him
to lose weight, grow hair
312
00:13:12,021 --> 00:13:14,720
and have his neck wattle
taped back.
313
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:17,589
Why do you ask?
314
00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:19,689
Oh, no reason.
315
00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:21,420
You're my mom. I love you.
316
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:23,090
Just want to make sure
you're happy.
317
00:13:23,091 --> 00:13:25,529
Oh. Well, thank you, baby.
318
00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:27,029
Oh.
319
00:13:27,030 --> 00:13:28,629
I am.
320
00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:29,829
Good.
321
00:13:29,830 --> 00:13:31,900
(Chuckles)
322
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,309
"Working late"
323
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:37,870
that dirtbag's not
even a good liar.
324
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,809
What's going on?
325
00:13:39,810 --> 00:13:41,239
I don't know for sure.
326
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,809
But I know that he and Mike
327
00:13:42,810 --> 00:13:44,680
had a little secret
man talk last night,
328
00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:46,849
and Mike's being
very cagey about it.
329
00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:48,080
You don't think Vince is
330
00:13:48,081 --> 00:13:49,880
doing anything behind
mom's back, do you?
331
00:13:49,881 --> 00:13:51,979
See, that's where
my mind went, too.
332
00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:53,890
Oh, my God, he's
cheating on her, isn't he?
333
00:13:53,891 --> 00:13:57,120
You did not hear that from me.
334
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,659
How long is it going to
take you to grade this thing?
335
00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:03,990
Hang on a second.
336
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,329
"Add the combined scores
of sentence structure
337
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:11,429
and usage with the subtotal of
language arts from page three. "
338
00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:15,169
Man, this is like putting
together a bookcase from Ikea.
339
00:14:15,170 --> 00:14:16,699
You know what? Forget about it.
340
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,870
I'm sure I flunked.
341
00:14:17,871 --> 00:14:19,539
No. Now, just hang on a second.
342
00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:21,070
We don't know that.
343
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,009
Bup, bup, bup...
Carry the two...
344
00:14:25,010 --> 00:14:27,480
Now we know that you flunked.
345
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,749
My old man always
told me I was an idiot.
346
00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:33,619
You know what?
He was right.
347
00:14:33,620 --> 00:14:34,920
Come on, you're not an idiot.
348
00:14:34,921 --> 00:14:36,720
You're just not
a good test taker.
349
00:14:36,721 --> 00:14:38,959
Remarkably bad, in fact.
350
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,159
Well, how else am I
going to get a GED?
351
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,529
Abraham Lincoln never
graduated high school.
352
00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:44,790
He did pretty well for himself.
353
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,199
Yeah, except for getting
shot in the head.
354
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,569
To be fair,
a high school diploma's
355
00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:52,669
not going to stop a bullet.
356
00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:56,339
So you're saying I just got to
live with my secret shame?
357
00:14:56,340 --> 00:14:57,669
Everybody's got one.
358
00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:59,710
I'll share mine with you,
it makes you feel better.
359
00:14:59,711 --> 00:15:02,540
Food?
360
00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:06,349
Maybe.
361
00:15:06,350 --> 00:15:08,519
The point is, the more
you try to hide it,
362
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:09,880
the worse it's going to feel.
363
00:15:09,881 --> 00:15:11,320
Why don't you just go to Joyce
364
00:15:11,321 --> 00:15:13,020
and tell her the truth?
I don't know.
365
00:15:13,021 --> 00:15:15,190
You'll feel a lot better.
And the woman loves you.
366
00:15:15,191 --> 00:15:17,320
She's not going to judge you
over something like that.
367
00:15:17,321 --> 00:15:20,259
Would you mind going
with me to tell her?
368
00:15:20,260 --> 00:15:22,059
You know, for moral support.
369
00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:23,330
I'd be happy to.
370
00:15:23,331 --> 00:15:24,659
All right.
371
00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,129
Boy, I hope she's
going to be okay
372
00:15:27,130 --> 00:15:31,740
when she finds out her erudite
prince is just a well-hung frog.
373
00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:34,970
"Erudite. " I can't believe
374
00:15:34,980 --> 00:15:36,940
you didn't score higher
on the verbal.
375
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:45,349
Listen. When I get in there,
I may embellish my reasons
376
00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:47,619
for dropping out of
school a little bit.
377
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:50,459
Papa got sick,
I had to work the fields,
378
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:52,689
care for the other young'uns.
379
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:55,059
Something in that vein.
380
00:15:55,060 --> 00:15:56,529
For another cigar,
381
00:15:56,530 --> 00:15:59,760
I'll tell her you were
a coal miner's daughter.
382
00:16:01,230 --> 00:16:02,799
What is going on here, Mike?
383
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,899
I gotta talk to your mom.
384
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:06,500
He just needs to get
something off his chest.
385
00:16:06,510 --> 00:16:08,970
Yeah? What's that? The
breasts of a younger woman?
386
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,379
Joyce, doll, why you crying?
387
00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:15,579
I know all about
your dirty little secret.
388
00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:17,319
Who told you?
Did you tell her?
389
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,290
I didn't tell anybody.
390
00:16:18,291 --> 00:16:20,419
Except Carl and Samuel.
Oh!
391
00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:24,329
You could tell Carl and Samuel,
but you couldn't tell me!
392
00:16:24,330 --> 00:16:25,660
You really thought you could
393
00:16:25,661 --> 00:16:27,060
keep something like that
from me?
394
00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:28,530
Boy, you're dumber
than I thought.
395
00:16:28,531 --> 00:16:30,159
I had to work the fields.
396
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,900
(Groans):
Oh...
397
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,669
You're such a pig!
398
00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:38,769
Whoa! I'm sorry
I didn't tell you,
399
00:16:38,770 --> 00:16:40,700
but you're kind of
making me feel bad.
400
00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:43,339
Well, you should feel bad.
401
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:44,670
You're cheating on my mother.
402
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:45,740
What?!
Mm-hmm.
403
00:16:45,741 --> 00:16:47,340
I never cheated on you.
Then why you
404
00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:49,510
showing up here with your tail
tucked between your legs?
405
00:16:49,511 --> 00:16:50,949
I came to tell you
406
00:16:50,950 --> 00:16:53,079
I don't have
a high school diploma. And now,
407
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,519
thanks to lumpy,
the study partner,
408
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,849
I never will.
409
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:57,989
What?
410
00:16:57,990 --> 00:16:59,689
I was ashamed to tell you,
411
00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:01,560
'cause I thought
you'd think less of me.
412
00:17:01,561 --> 00:17:03,429
But apparently you already do.
413
00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:05,829
You told me he was
having an affair!
414
00:17:05,830 --> 00:17:08,299
No. Now...
415
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:11,099
I didn't exactly
use those words.
416
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:13,370
It's all moot.
Damage is done.
417
00:17:14,210 --> 00:17:16,370
I got this, mom.
418
00:17:18,610 --> 00:17:21,950
"Moot. " The man is a wordsmith.
419
00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:25,579
Vince, wait.
Look,
420
00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:27,749
I get that I'm not
your favorite person,
421
00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:29,989
but I never thought
you'd spread lies about me.
422
00:17:29,990 --> 00:17:31,659
I'm sorry.
423
00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:33,120
I may not have
a formal education
424
00:17:33,121 --> 00:17:35,689
or a high school diploma,
but I got a heart;
425
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:38,599
And you stuck a knife in it
by way of my back.
426
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:42,269
I know. I-I made
a terrible mistake.
427
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,939
Let me make it up to you.
428
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:45,569
How? A kick in the groin?
429
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:46,839
No, thank you.
430
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:48,169
Hey! Moranto!
431
00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:49,139
What?
432
00:17:49,140 --> 00:17:51,479
I think you owe me
an apology, too.
433
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,749
I mean, you have an actual
teacher right here,
434
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:55,510
and you asked Mike
to tutor you.
435
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,520
I regret that deeply.
436
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,749
The only thing
I learned from that guy
437
00:18:01,750 --> 00:18:03,420
is that the Chicago
police department
438
00:18:03,421 --> 00:18:06,420
is not a very picky
organization.
439
00:18:07,490 --> 00:18:08,659
Come on.
440
00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:09,730
Give me a chance.
441
00:18:09,731 --> 00:18:11,329
Why you want to help me?
442
00:18:11,330 --> 00:18:13,929
Well, it's why I
became a teacher.
443
00:18:13,930 --> 00:18:17,599
And seeing as that
you're my mom's fiancé,
444
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,069
I... kind of makes you family.
445
00:18:21,070 --> 00:18:22,109
Family?
446
00:18:22,110 --> 00:18:23,739
Kind of.
447
00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:25,439
Damn it,
448
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,679
you're a tough nut to crack.
449
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,619
But I love you, snowball,
I really do.
450
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:31,719
Okay, okay.
451
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,719
Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry
I doubted you.
452
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,019
We just didn't know
what to think, Vince.
453
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:41,030
But stupid is so much
better than cheater.
454
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,359
I forgive all you broads.
455
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,700
Hey, where's the big guy?
456
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:50,530
Yes! The apes do wear suits
and get jobs.
457
00:18:56,290 --> 00:18:57,860
Wow, I can't believe
you got Vince
458
00:18:57,861 --> 00:19:00,930
to actually go
and take the GED exam.
459
00:19:01,190 --> 00:19:04,540
Part of what a good teacher
does is to inspire her students,
460
00:19:04,541 --> 00:19:07,890
you know, instill in them
that confidence that they need
461
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,299
to go out and achieve
academic excellence.
462
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,569
Well, I guess we know why
you hold the record
463
00:19:12,570 --> 00:19:14,170
for "teacher of the month. "
(Chuckles)
464
00:19:14,171 --> 00:19:16,239
Every student is different.
465
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,410
You have to figure out what
their individual needs are.
466
00:19:18,411 --> 00:19:19,580
Now, for Vince,
467
00:19:19,581 --> 00:19:21,919
I just had to give him
the proper tools
468
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,749
to overcome his fear
of taking tests.
469
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:26,559
Oh, man.
470
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:27,860
Do you guys know what happened
471
00:19:27,861 --> 00:19:29,930
to the two pot brownies
I was saving?
472
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:34,899
(Quietly): ♪ don't you want
somebody to love? ♪
473
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:39,739
♪ don't you need somebody
to love? ♪
474
00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:41,970
Done.
475
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:46,720
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www. addic7ed. com