1
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<i>Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...</i>

2
00:00:02,433 --> 00:00:03,902
- Morning, Berger.
- Oh, my God!

3
00:00:04,236 --> 00:00:05,806
What are you doing here?

4
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,976
RJ, is that any way to treat a guest?

5
00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:09,913
Are you asking me out on a date?

6
00:00:09,948 --> 00:00:11,383
Yes, I am.

7
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:28,863
I suppose you're here to tell me...

8
00:00:28,897 --> 00:00:30,100
to stay away from your mother.

9
00:00:30,135 --> 00:00:31,837
You suppose correctly.

10
00:00:31,872 --> 00:00:33,575
And if I don't?

11
00:00:33,609 --> 00:00:35,246
Then, Mr. Sinclair...

12
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,287
Life becomes extraordinarily
difficult for you.

13
00:00:41,497 --> 00:00:44,102
A threat.

14
00:00:44,137 --> 00:00:48,380
A promise.

15
00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:51,990
There are quite a few secrets
rattling around that skull of yours.

16
00:00:52,025 --> 00:00:55,967
Secrets that the school board
or your parole officer...

17
00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:57,470
might find rather interesting.

18
00:00:57,504 --> 00:01:00,410
With all due respect, Mr. Sinclair,

19
00:01:00,445 --> 00:01:03,786
you have no choice but to obey.

20
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,125
With all due respect, Mr. Berger,

21
00:01:06,159 --> 00:01:07,862
you can kiss my black ass.

22
00:01:18,689 --> 00:01:20,659
What the...

23
00:01:30,848 --> 00:01:33,620
No, no, no, not yet!

24
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,118
Damn it, Miles.

25
00:01:46,152 --> 00:01:47,721
You pulled me out too soon!

26
00:01:47,756 --> 00:01:49,157
I had him!

27
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:51,829
Five minutes. Not a second more.

28
00:01:51,864 --> 00:01:55,639
Those were your instructions.

29
00:01:55,674 --> 00:01:56,741
I had him.

30
00:01:56,776 --> 00:01:58,745
Look at you, man.

31
00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:00,817
You're coming apart at the seams.

32
00:02:00,851 --> 00:02:02,788
If I wanted a sermon, I'd go to church.

33
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Have you been cooking bacon?

34
00:02:07,031 --> 00:02:08,400
Miles, what the hell were you doing?

35
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:11,072
The only thing that'll
make you see the light.

36
00:02:23,937 --> 00:02:25,005
Ugh!

37
00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:28,011
Wakey, wakey. Eggs and bac-y.

38
00:02:28,046 --> 00:02:32,187
Your mama made us breakfast.

39
00:02:32,222 --> 00:02:33,858
<i>My name is RJ Berger.</i>

40
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<i>And every morning I wake
up to the same nightmare.</i>

41
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Mm, deeeelicious.

42
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Deeelighted to hear it.

43
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Well, I'm ghost.

44
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,044
Got to let the golf team in...

45
00:02:57,078 --> 00:02:58,614
for their morning workout.

46
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Want a ride to school, son?

47
00:02:59,784 --> 00:03:01,453
No, I'll... I'll take the bus.

48
00:03:01,487 --> 00:03:02,957
This is, um, surreal enough already.

49
00:03:02,991 --> 00:03:05,094
Eh, suit yourself.

50
00:03:05,128 --> 00:03:06,129
I'll see you later.

51
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Mm, hmm-hmm-hmm.

52
00:03:14,048 --> 00:03:15,016
Mm!

53
00:03:15,050 --> 00:03:16,018
Damn!

54
00:03:16,052 --> 00:03:17,855
Yeah.

55
00:03:17,890 --> 00:03:21,530
Whoo.

56
00:03:21,564 --> 00:03:22,532
Mm.

57
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,706
- RJ, honey, we have to talk.
- I agree.

58
00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:27,777
Should I change the locks, or should you?

59
00:03:27,812 --> 00:03:28,913
What, Jeriba?

60
00:03:28,948 --> 00:03:30,216
Oh, no, honey. Don't worry about him.

61
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He's just a warm body to fill the void.

62
00:03:31,754 --> 00:03:33,823
No, it's that tomorrow...

63
00:03:33,858 --> 00:03:37,331
is your daddy's and my 20th anniversary.

64
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Oh.

65
00:03:38,668 --> 00:03:40,204
So I was hoping you could
be here in the evening.

66
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Okay, what for?

67
00:03:42,109 --> 00:03:43,378
So mommy doesn't have to be
alone with the sad monsters...

68
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that live inside her heart.

69
00:03:44,614 --> 00:03:46,383
Why can't he hang with you?

70
00:03:46,417 --> 00:03:48,253
RJ, we've discussed this.
He can't do Friday nights.

71
00:03:48,288 --> 00:03:50,525
- Community service.
- Community service.

72
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It'll be fun.

73
00:03:52,363 --> 00:03:54,500
We'll order armenian and play pictionary.

74
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:56,906
But mostly we'll just...

75
00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:57,908
Not cry.

76
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- Okay.
- Okay.

77
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Have you ever hit pause when
the asian guy's naked...

78
00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:08,933
<i>in the hangover?</i>

79
00:04:08,968 --> 00:04:10,871
I mean, that's got to be the
world's smallest penis.

80
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- Miles, I...
- Dude, seriously.

81
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You can't even see it through the pubes.

82
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My life is falling apart,

83
00:04:15,750 --> 00:04:17,286
and this is what you want to talk about?

84
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,223
If you were a superhero,
that little asian guy...

85
00:04:19,258 --> 00:04:20,627
would be your arch-nemesis.

86
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,798
He'd be the ying to your wang.

87
00:04:22,832 --> 00:04:24,368
Let me see your hand.

88
00:04:24,402 --> 00:04:26,472
- What?
- Let me see your hand.

89
00:04:28,377 --> 00:04:30,080
How long it take you to write that?

90
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All morning.

91
00:04:31,217 --> 00:04:33,120
Damn, girl.

92
00:04:33,154 --> 00:04:34,356
If you didn't already have a limp,

93
00:04:34,390 --> 00:04:35,358
I would give you one.

94
00:04:35,392 --> 00:04:36,493
I am going to hump...

95
00:04:36,528 --> 00:04:39,834
your overdeveloped brains out your skull.

96
00:04:39,868 --> 00:04:42,272
Mm!

97
00:04:42,307 --> 00:04:43,508
Ugh.

98
00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:45,111
Unbelievable.

99
00:04:45,146 --> 00:04:47,215
Robo-troll has a boyfriend.

100
00:04:47,251 --> 00:04:50,222
I can't even buy a second
look from a blind girl.

101
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:51,959
That's it, man. I'm getting in shape.

102
00:04:51,993 --> 00:04:54,631
Miles, you do this every couple of weeks.

103
00:04:54,665 --> 00:04:56,001
You say you're going to get in shape.

104
00:04:56,035 --> 00:04:57,003
You go home.

105
00:04:57,037 --> 00:04:58,773
You jog half a mile. You vomit.

106
00:04:58,807 --> 00:05:00,142
And then you spend the
rest of the afternoon...

107
00:05:00,176 --> 00:05:01,645
writing jokes on your hands.

108
00:05:01,679 --> 00:05:04,083
Look, I love you, buddy.
But you have the self-control...

109
00:05:04,118 --> 00:05:05,085
of Lindsay Lohan's nostrils.

110
00:05:05,119 --> 00:05:06,288
No, I'm serious.

111
00:05:06,322 --> 00:05:07,590
I'm going to get in shape this time.

112
00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:09,093
I'm getting' in shape.

113
00:05:09,128 --> 00:05:12,166
RJ, you...

114
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,903
Got a minute?

115
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,710
Okay.

116
00:05:18,247 --> 00:05:19,816
Is everything okay?

117
00:05:19,851 --> 00:05:21,553
Uh, not really.

118
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,091
But, hey, I got my first paycheck...

119
00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:24,293
as a substitute teacher.

120
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Although after taxes and a week's rent,

121
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:28,370
it comes to 23 bucks.

122
00:05:28,404 --> 00:05:30,107
Although you'd be surprised
at how far that goes...

123
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at 7-11.

124
00:05:31,311 --> 00:05:32,546
- I got to get to class.
- Right.

125
00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,784
RJ, I was just wondering if, uh,

126
00:05:34,819 --> 00:05:36,554
if you were free to spend a little time...

127
00:05:36,589 --> 00:05:37,824
with your old man tomorrow night.

128
00:05:37,858 --> 00:05:39,928
Oh, actually, I've... I've already made...

129
00:05:39,963 --> 00:05:41,999
It's just that I don't
trust myself to be alone...

130
00:05:42,033 --> 00:05:43,602
on my first anniversary away from mommy.

131
00:05:43,637 --> 00:05:45,004
I'll be honest, son.

132
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$18.50 of that $23 went to
five bottles of red wine.

133
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Right now they're the only,
uh, company I've got.

134
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Yeah, dad.

135
00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,353
Of course I'll...

136
00:05:52,388 --> 00:05:54,157
All right! Oh, thank you so much!

137
00:05:54,191 --> 00:05:56,095
Oh, you have made a sad, sad man...

138
00:05:56,129 --> 00:05:57,498
just a tiny, tiny bit less sad.

139
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This is going to be great.

140
00:05:59,537 --> 00:06:00,940
Now, I'll... I'll fire up the hot plate,

141
00:06:00,974 --> 00:06:03,679
and I'll whip up some Franks,

142
00:06:03,713 --> 00:06:05,116
and I've got this little
doohickey from radio shack...

143
00:06:05,151 --> 00:06:06,887
that lets you hook up a VCR to a TV,

144
00:06:06,921 --> 00:06:08,858
so we can watch our favorite tape together,

145
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just like old times.

146
00:06:31,106 --> 00:06:32,675
Miles...

147
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I need you to come hold me.

148
00:06:36,651 --> 00:06:39,122
Oh, you're so strong.

149
00:06:40,159 --> 00:06:41,561
Being a male cheerleader...

150
00:06:41,596 --> 00:06:43,666
is like having McDonald's and burger king...

151
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,369
all at once, Miles.

152
00:06:45,403 --> 00:06:48,310
First you see the golden arches.

153
00:06:48,344 --> 00:06:51,382
Then you have it your way.

154
00:06:51,417 --> 00:06:53,721
Oh, Miles!

155
00:06:53,755 --> 00:06:54,890
That's amazing.

156
00:06:54,924 --> 00:06:56,794
Hands off, bitch! He's mine!

157
00:06:58,365 --> 00:07:00,502
Uh-uh, girl. He's mine!

158
00:07:01,239 --> 00:07:02,574
Whoa, whoa.

159
00:07:02,609 --> 00:07:03,876
Easy.

160
00:07:03,911 --> 00:07:05,614
There's plenty to go around.

161
00:07:05,648 --> 00:07:07,451
God gave me ten fingers.

162
00:07:07,485 --> 00:07:09,456
<i>Keep your hands off him.</i>

163
00:07:09,490 --> 00:07:10,458
<i>Going to get what I want.</i>

164
00:07:10,492 --> 00:07:13,331
<i>Yeah, baby!</i>

165
00:07:13,365 --> 00:07:15,903
Spirit fingers.

166
00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:17,874
So great, instead of one
clinically depressed parent,

167
00:07:17,908 --> 00:07:19,244
I get both of them.

168
00:07:19,278 --> 00:07:20,513
Guess if I leave my mom's early enough,

169
00:07:20,547 --> 00:07:21,817
I can make it over to my dad...

170
00:07:21,851 --> 00:07:24,255
before he weeps his way through
our old vacation photos.

171
00:07:24,289 --> 00:07:26,326
I'm telling you, as a veteran of divorce,

172
00:07:26,361 --> 00:07:27,495
these things never end well.

173
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,632
Yeah, I know, but what am I supposed to do?

174
00:07:28,667 --> 00:07:29,768
I can't let them both down.

175
00:07:29,802 --> 00:07:31,405
Are you kidding me? They let you down.

176
00:07:31,439 --> 00:07:33,777
Listen, RJ, I know what
you're going through.

177
00:07:33,812 --> 00:07:34,879
Believe me.

178
00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:35,915
And I know how tempting it is...

179
00:07:35,949 --> 00:07:37,218
to play the nice guy.

180
00:07:37,253 --> 00:07:38,789
But you have to stop trying
to please everybody else...

181
00:07:38,823 --> 00:07:40,458
and start taking care of yourself.

182
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:41,527
Your parents are grown-ups.

183
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,265
- Not really.
- Okay, well, maybe not.

184
00:07:43,299 --> 00:07:44,567
But I do know that it is their job...

185
00:07:44,602 --> 00:07:46,371
to take care of you,
and not the other way around.

186
00:07:46,406 --> 00:07:49,813
So are you still planning
on doing this alone?

187
00:07:49,847 --> 00:07:51,450
Well, I-I don't really
think I have another choice.

188
00:07:51,484 --> 00:07:54,289
Well, I could maybe go with you...

189
00:07:54,324 --> 00:07:55,792
for moral support.

190
00:07:55,827 --> 00:07:58,766
You are aware that my mom and coach are...

191
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,001
Crazy.

192
00:08:00,035 --> 00:08:02,506
And completely self-absorbed and psycho.

193
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:03,608
Yeah, I totally know that.

194
00:08:03,642 --> 00:08:04,778
But that is divorce, RJ.

195
00:08:04,812 --> 00:08:06,280
My parents went through the same thing.

196
00:08:06,315 --> 00:08:09,621
Except, actually, it was my
dad that left for a black guy.

197
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:10,757
Yeah.

198
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,427
The point is, sometimes everybody needs...

199
00:08:12,461 --> 00:08:13,428
a little support.

200
00:08:13,463 --> 00:08:16,201
So my mom's apartment, 6:30.

201
00:08:16,235 --> 00:08:17,203
It's a date.

202
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,003
Stop, stop, stop!

203
00:08:33,038 --> 00:08:34,173
What was that?

204
00:08:34,207 --> 00:08:37,078
Um, Robin, what are you guys doing?

205
00:08:37,113 --> 00:08:38,815
What does it look like we're doing?

206
00:08:38,850 --> 00:08:41,354
We're practicing?

207
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:42,924
I'm team captain. I lead practice.

208
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:44,561
Well, you were late.

209
00:08:44,596 --> 00:08:45,930
And we got tired of waiting.

210
00:08:45,964 --> 00:08:47,400
- Oh, really.
- Hey!

211
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:49,672
What the hell?

212
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:50,674
'Sup, chicken heads?

213
00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,680
Anybody need a lift?

214
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:09,949
Morning, bud.

215
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,950
Hey, dad. Can we talk about something?

216
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:15,252
Look what I've got.

217
00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:16,786
<i>Sir Homie, The Brown Knight? No way!</i>

218
00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:17,987
It's one of the few
things your mom sent me...

219
00:09:18,022 --> 00:09:19,354
that I didn't burn.

220
00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:20,487
- That's good.
- Yeah.

221
00:09:20,522 --> 00:09:21,488
Uh, hey, about tonight.

222
00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:22,722
Hey, look, I got to tell ya.

223
00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:23,956
If I didn't have this to look forward to,

224
00:09:23,991 --> 00:09:25,690
if I didn't have you to depend on,

225
00:09:25,725 --> 00:09:27,157
I-I might die of a broken heart.

226
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,059
- Dad, don't say that.
- No, no, it's true.

227
00:09:29,093 --> 00:09:30,292
And someday I'm going to go to Israel...

228
00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:31,959
and plant a tree in your name...

229
00:09:31,994 --> 00:09:33,728
because you saved a life today.

230
00:09:33,761 --> 00:09:34,928
No, well, listen to me babble on.

231
00:09:34,962 --> 00:09:36,596
Um, you were going to say something, sorry.

232
00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:38,797
Go ahead.

233
00:09:38,832 --> 00:09:41,432
I was going to say...

234
00:09:41,467 --> 00:09:44,669
I have something to do
earlier in the evening,

235
00:09:44,703 --> 00:09:45,836
so I was kind of hoping we could meet up...

236
00:09:45,870 --> 00:09:47,004
a little later on.

237
00:09:47,037 --> 00:09:50,138
Oh, so when you say something,

238
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,807
you really mean someone, huh?

239
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:53,841
Huh?

240
00:09:53,875 --> 00:09:55,275
- Uh...
- Yeah?

241
00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:56,509
Someone.

242
00:09:57,578 --> 00:09:58,944
Attaboy!

243
00:09:58,978 --> 00:10:01,612
Sure, we can meet later. Absolutely.

244
00:10:06,416 --> 00:10:08,349
So in other words, you pussed out.

245
00:10:08,384 --> 00:10:09,717
He was desperate, Miles.
What else was I supposed to do?

246
00:10:09,751 --> 00:10:11,051
Wait, wait a second.

247
00:10:11,086 --> 00:10:12,452
So y'all mean to tell me
I'm the only one here...

248
00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:14,553
whose parents are happily married?

249
00:10:14,588 --> 00:10:17,589
170 IQ with a stable,
upper-middle class home life.

250
00:10:17,623 --> 00:10:18,656
Ha!

251
00:10:18,690 --> 00:10:19,990
Who's your stereotype now, homie?

252
00:10:20,025 --> 00:10:22,225
Well, you are dating a
white girl with a huge ass.

253
00:10:22,259 --> 00:10:23,593
True.

254
00:10:23,627 --> 00:10:25,694
If I were you, I'd call his bluff.

255
00:10:25,728 --> 00:10:27,328
I mean, what's the worst
thing that could happen?

256
00:10:27,362 --> 00:10:28,496
Uh, I don't know.

257
00:10:28,530 --> 00:10:30,063
I mean, he could kill himself.

258
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,231
Bingo.

259
00:10:31,265 --> 00:10:33,399
And you got a spare dad
waiting in the wings.

260
00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:35,334
Miles, I don't want coach to be my dad.

261
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,068
I don't even want him to be my coach.

262
00:10:37,102 --> 00:10:38,969
All I'm saying is give the guy a chance.

263
00:10:39,003 --> 00:10:40,003
He's friends with pimps.

264
00:10:40,038 --> 00:10:41,036
- Mm.
- Wow.

265
00:10:41,071 --> 00:10:42,670
Another selfless act of friendship.

266
00:10:42,704 --> 00:10:44,704
You know, you'd be a lot
cuter if you didn't talk.

267
00:10:44,739 --> 00:10:46,405
Oh, and you'd be a lot smarter.

268
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:47,405
Ooh.

269
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:49,039
I like this girl more every day.

270
00:10:49,074 --> 00:10:50,240
Me, too.

271
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,407
Well, I think it's time for me to get...

272
00:10:51,441 --> 00:10:52,408
to cheerleading practice.

273
00:10:52,442 --> 00:10:54,009
I am going to have McDonald's...

274
00:10:54,043 --> 00:10:55,743
<i>and Burger King today.</i>

275
00:10:55,777 --> 00:10:57,411
And how is that different
from any other day?

276
00:10:57,445 --> 00:10:58,411
Ohhh!

277
00:10:58,446 --> 00:11:00,212
- Ohhh!
- Hey!

278
00:11:01,414 --> 00:11:03,381
Well played, baby.

279
00:11:10,819 --> 00:11:12,252
Jeriba.

280
00:11:12,287 --> 00:11:13,254
Hey, Rick.

281
00:11:15,456 --> 00:11:17,189
Ohhh.

282
00:11:17,223 --> 00:11:18,356
How's it hanging?

283
00:11:18,390 --> 00:11:20,257
Oh, you know. Alone.

284
00:11:20,291 --> 00:11:21,792
Big plans for this weekend?

285
00:11:21,826 --> 00:11:23,025
- Me?
- Yeah.

286
00:11:23,060 --> 00:11:24,226
Nah.

287
00:11:24,261 --> 00:11:25,494
Not a damn thing.

288
00:11:25,528 --> 00:11:27,728
Well, unless you count leaving my mark...

289
00:11:27,762 --> 00:11:29,395
on some fine white ass.

290
00:11:30,865 --> 00:11:33,131
And you?

291
00:11:33,166 --> 00:11:34,598
Oh, actually, I'm getting together...

292
00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:35,899
with RJ tonight.

293
00:11:35,933 --> 00:11:37,666
Going to have some old-fashioned
father-son bonding.

294
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:38,667
Is that so?

295
00:11:38,702 --> 00:11:39,900
Mm-hmm.

296
00:11:39,935 --> 00:11:42,168
Good luck with that.

297
00:12:01,949 --> 00:12:03,849
Oh, my God. I'm doing it!

298
00:12:03,884 --> 00:12:05,551
Ready to come down? Yeah.

299
00:12:05,585 --> 00:12:07,785
One, two... ah.

300
00:12:07,820 --> 00:12:08,786
- Whoo!
- Yes!

301
00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:10,187
Shut up and do it again.

302
00:12:10,222 --> 00:12:11,187
Okay.

303
00:12:11,222 --> 00:12:13,289
Oh, no, wait, wait.

304
00:12:13,323 --> 00:12:14,690
Whoa, everybody stop.

305
00:12:14,725 --> 00:12:16,224
What the hell, Meredith?

306
00:12:16,258 --> 00:12:18,125
I have girl cramps.

307
00:12:18,159 --> 00:12:19,293
Like I care!

308
00:12:19,327 --> 00:12:20,526
Get over there and do it again!

309
00:12:20,561 --> 00:12:22,595
Maybe we should let her take a break.

310
00:12:22,629 --> 00:12:24,295
Maybe you should let me
instill some discipline...

311
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:25,430
in these girls,

312
00:12:25,464 --> 00:12:28,165
since you're obviously not capable.

313
00:12:28,199 --> 00:12:30,033
Meredith, do it again.

314
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,033
- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.

315
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,534
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

316
00:12:33,568 --> 00:12:35,701
One, two, three, four,

317
00:12:35,736 --> 00:12:36,936
five, six, seven, eight.

318
00:12:36,970 --> 00:12:38,469
Oh.

319
00:12:38,504 --> 00:12:40,237
Cheerleading rocks.

320
00:12:40,419 --> 00:12:42,620
Heh, heh, heh.

321
00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:47,724
Agh, blood!

322
00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:48,725
Ohhhhh!

323
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,493
Oh, my God.

324
00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:57,327
Dude, it's just blood.

325
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:59,067
Just blood?

326
00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:00,405
Period blood isn't just...

327
00:13:01,878 --> 00:13:05,357
Period blood isn't just blood.

328
00:13:05,391 --> 00:13:09,317
Period blood is what the devil
makes terrorists drink in hell.

329
00:13:09,432 --> 00:13:10,408
Yeah, well, you're going to
give yourself a blister.

330
00:13:10,443 --> 00:13:11,413
Who cares?

331
00:13:11,447 --> 00:13:14,155
I probably need a full face transplant!

332
00:13:14,190 --> 00:13:15,393
Damn it!

333
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,066
Why can't anything just go right for me?

334
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,638
- Come on, Miles.
- Seriously!

335
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:20,411
I just wanted to lose some weight...

336
00:13:20,445 --> 00:13:22,116
to get girls to like me.

337
00:13:22,151 --> 00:13:24,692
Now I'm going to be hearing vampire jokes...

338
00:13:24,726 --> 00:13:25,863
the rest of my life.

339
00:13:25,897 --> 00:13:27,000
Miles.

340
00:13:27,034 --> 00:13:30,312
Buddy, come on.

341
00:13:30,346 --> 00:13:31,483
When a girl likes you...

342
00:13:31,517 --> 00:13:33,255
For real, likes you...

343
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:35,364
It's not because you're
skinny or attractive...

344
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,003
or chiseled.

345
00:13:37,037 --> 00:13:39,245
It's because you're you.

346
00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:41,085
You're funny, you're cool, you're sincere.

347
00:13:41,119 --> 00:13:43,795
The kind of guy who spends
an entire morning...

348
00:13:43,829 --> 00:13:49,382
writing jokes on his hand
to make his buddy laugh.

349
00:13:49,417 --> 00:13:51,255
Look.

350
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:54,533
I know this is supposed to
be a nice friendship moment.

351
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,537
And don't get me wrong.

352
00:13:55,571 --> 00:13:56,909
I really appreciate it, man.

353
00:13:56,943 --> 00:13:58,648
I really do.

354
00:13:58,682 --> 00:14:00,220
But, uh,

355
00:14:00,254 --> 00:14:04,569
I had a girl's period blood on my face.

356
00:14:04,603 --> 00:14:07,311
Yeah, we should get back to scrubbing.

357
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,954
Put some elbow grease in it.

358
00:14:16,914 --> 00:14:18,887
Five, six, seven, eight.

359
00:14:18,921 --> 00:14:21,262
Lift, one, two, three, four,

360
00:14:21,297 --> 00:14:23,906
five, six, seven, eight.

361
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:25,143
You call that a lift, bitch tits?

362
00:14:25,178 --> 00:14:26,146
Stop shaking!

363
00:14:26,182 --> 00:14:27,518
I can't help it.

364
00:14:27,553 --> 00:14:29,660
My goggles are so fogged up,
I can't see anything.

365
00:14:29,695 --> 00:14:31,266
Awww.

366
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:34,009
I know it's hard lifting
that cow up in the air,

367
00:14:34,043 --> 00:14:38,190
but we don't want to drop her, do we?

368
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,366
Keep it up, girls. One, two, three, four.

369
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,273
Five, six...

370
00:14:42,307 --> 00:14:45,082
Ow, that hurt!

371
00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:46,890
Are you serious?

372
00:14:46,924 --> 00:14:49,298
Oh, no. Are you hurt, Jenny?

373
00:14:49,332 --> 00:14:50,570
My ankle.

374
00:14:53,448 --> 00:14:54,752
Hey, what do you think you're doing?

375
00:14:54,787 --> 00:14:56,325
Practice isn't over.

376
00:14:56,359 --> 00:14:57,964
I'm taking her to the nurse,
you psycho hose beast.

377
00:14:57,999 --> 00:14:59,202
You do that,

378
00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:00,809
and you're both off the squad for good!

379
00:15:00,843 --> 00:15:02,716
Oh, I'm really going to
miss the period blood...

380
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:03,887
all over my face!

381
00:15:03,921 --> 00:15:06,027
Oh! You're finished, Swanson!

382
00:15:06,062 --> 00:15:08,002
God. Back to one!

383
00:15:08,036 --> 00:15:09,240
What are you looking at?

384
00:15:11,281 --> 00:15:13,823
Mmm, look at that, huh?

385
00:15:13,857 --> 00:15:15,763
Oh, that meat looks fantastic.

386
00:15:15,797 --> 00:15:17,100
Yeah, wait till you see
the real thing later.

387
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,345
Mom.

388
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:24,894
Surprise, mother...!

389
00:15:24,929 --> 00:15:26,600
I thought you had...

390
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:27,771
What, community service?

391
00:15:27,806 --> 00:15:28,808
Yeah, I know.

392
00:15:28,843 --> 00:15:30,013
I slipped a crack head five bucks...

393
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:31,552
to clean that synagogue for me.

394
00:15:31,587 --> 00:15:32,723
'Sides, I thought it'd be a good idea...

395
00:15:32,758 --> 00:15:34,831
if we spent some quality time together.

396
00:15:34,866 --> 00:15:36,404
You know, some family time.

397
00:15:36,438 --> 00:15:39,249
Aren't you just the sweetest thing?

398
00:15:39,284 --> 00:15:40,587
Oh, I just want to ungh!

399
00:15:43,064 --> 00:15:44,201
So, RJ, why don't you and, um...

400
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,204
Oh, I'm sorry.

401
00:15:45,239 --> 00:15:47,546
Uh, mom, coach,

402
00:15:47,581 --> 00:15:48,952
this is Amy.

403
00:15:48,986 --> 00:15:50,491
- Amy.
- Hi.

404
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:52,799
So you're the older woman
Rj's been telling us about.

405
00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:54,739
You are just as cute as a button.

406
00:15:54,774 --> 00:15:55,945
And I can see what RJ meant when he said...

407
00:15:55,979 --> 00:15:57,852
you have the curves of a video ViXen.

408
00:15:57,886 --> 00:15:59,591
What? No, I'm... I never said that.

409
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,862
- Uh, no, that was me.
- Oh, that was him.

410
00:16:00,897 --> 00:16:01,866
Mm-hmm. Coach Sinclair.

411
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,003
- Hi.
- How you doing?

412
00:16:03,038 --> 00:16:04,074
You can call me Jeriba.

413
00:16:04,108 --> 00:16:05,446
Okay.

414
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,888
Mm, okay. Have a seat.

415
00:16:07,922 --> 00:16:10,363
I, uh, cooked up some of papa Sinclair's...

416
00:16:10,398 --> 00:16:11,602
famous skirt steak...

417
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:12,873
and bought a few bottles
of the good stuff...

418
00:16:12,907 --> 00:16:13,877
to go with it.

419
00:16:13,912 --> 00:16:15,784
And RJ,

420
00:16:15,819 --> 00:16:17,156
if it's okay with your mama,

421
00:16:17,190 --> 00:16:18,594
you and Amy can drink as much as you want.

422
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:19,933
Yeah, a few sips.

423
00:16:19,968 --> 00:16:22,945
Let's pretend we're french for the evening.

424
00:16:40,944 --> 00:16:44,053
Then the cop looked me dead in the eye,

425
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,223
put down his flashlight,

426
00:16:45,258 --> 00:16:47,598
and said, "you sucked how many?"...

427
00:16:52,216 --> 00:16:54,624
Honestly, that story gets funnier...

428
00:16:54,659 --> 00:16:56,564
every time I hear it.

429
00:16:56,599 --> 00:16:57,937
Oh, God.

430
00:16:57,971 --> 00:16:59,643
Oh.

431
00:17:18,982 --> 00:17:20,520
You don't know how I feel.

432
00:17:20,555 --> 00:17:24,569
I can't believe it!

433
00:17:24,604 --> 00:17:26,409
I'm...In...

434
00:17:28,685 --> 00:17:30,189
Oh, these are tears I don't mind crying.

435
00:17:30,224 --> 00:17:33,402
Tears of laughter.
Yeah, laughter and camaraderie.

436
00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:37,584
- Awww.
- Yeah.

437
00:17:37,619 --> 00:17:39,023
<i>Ah, cin-cin.</i>

438
00:17:57,826 --> 00:17:58,929
We're sorry.

439
00:17:58,964 --> 00:18:00,300
Your cellular account has been suspended...

440
00:18:00,336 --> 00:18:01,472
due to nonpayment.

441
00:18:01,507 --> 00:18:03,546
To speak...

442
00:18:20,576 --> 00:18:21,544
Hey, keep it down!

443
00:18:24,924 --> 00:18:26,495
I love that I just, like, caught RJ...

444
00:18:26,529 --> 00:18:28,569
eating his own poopy.

445
00:18:28,604 --> 00:18:30,877
- Mom, enough.
- You ate your own poop?

446
00:18:30,912 --> 00:18:32,483
- Oh, that ain't right.
- It was Thanksgiving.

447
00:18:32,517 --> 00:18:33,687
You know, I think my little gobbler...

448
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,627
just wanted a pre-Turkey snack.

449
00:18:35,661 --> 00:18:37,835
- Okay, mom.
- Goddamn, son.

450
00:18:37,869 --> 00:18:39,173
Well, remind me never to kiss you again.

451
00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:41,514
I honestly thought it was pumpkin pie.

452
00:18:41,549 --> 00:18:42,685
But what are you going to do?

453
00:18:42,719 --> 00:18:44,859
11-year-olds, you know?

454
00:18:44,894 --> 00:18:46,866
- Uh, you were 11?
- It was a bad year.

455
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:48,572
It was. It was a bad year.

456
00:18:48,606 --> 00:18:50,010
Well, it's getting kind of late.

457
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,018
Um, we should be...

458
00:18:52,052 --> 00:18:53,557
Opening up another bottle.

459
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:54,896
I completely agree.

460
00:19:00,718 --> 00:19:02,424
Pray tell,

461
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:04,632
what strange manner of dress is this?

462
00:19:06,105 --> 00:19:07,108
Oh, snap!

463
00:19:07,142 --> 00:19:09,550
I done ended up in olden times.

464
00:19:12,362 --> 00:19:13,732
Hey, quit it!

465
00:19:13,768 --> 00:19:15,406
No!

466
00:19:21,998 --> 00:19:23,536
I'll get it.

467
00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:25,042
If that's the neighbor
telling us to keep it down,

468
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:28,020
I'll kick... I'll kick his damn ass!

469
00:19:28,054 --> 00:19:30,261
I bet you will.

470
00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:35,137
Dad.

471
00:19:36,562 --> 00:19:39,053
- I counted on you, RJ.
- Son of a bitch.

472
00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:42,134
I counted on you,
and you weren't there for me.

473
00:19:42,169 --> 00:19:44,211
Good evening, Amy. Hi, Mr. Berger.

474
00:19:44,246 --> 00:19:46,391
- Jeriba.
- Mm.

475
00:19:46,427 --> 00:19:49,021
Guess who's coming to dinner.

476
00:19:49,056 --> 00:19:50,233
You're drunk, Rick.

477
00:19:50,268 --> 00:19:51,617
- Ohhh.
- Now, honey.

478
00:19:51,653 --> 00:19:53,867
You're pretty ...ed up yourself.

479
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:55,078
Jeriba, please.

480
00:19:55,114 --> 00:19:56,358
Dad, I understand that you're mad.

481
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:57,397
I'm not mad.

482
00:19:57,432 --> 00:19:59,058
I'm just...

483
00:19:59,094 --> 00:20:00,166
Broken-hearted.

484
00:20:00,201 --> 00:20:01,550
Dad, I'll go with you right now,

485
00:20:01,586 --> 00:20:02,934
and we'll watch the movie.

486
00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:04,354
Don't bother. You have
a new brown knight now.

487
00:20:04,389 --> 00:20:05,599
Hey!

488
00:20:05,635 --> 00:20:08,404
That's some racist bull...
right there, Berger.

489
00:20:08,439 --> 00:20:09,685
Dad, it's not like that.

490
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,416
Mm.

491
00:20:11,451 --> 00:20:14,116
Enjoy each other.

492
00:20:18,341 --> 00:20:19,551
Well, one thing worse than a run-in...

493
00:20:19,587 --> 00:20:20,590
with your drunk daddy.

494
00:20:20,626 --> 00:20:22,114
That's a run-in...

495
00:20:22,149 --> 00:20:24,363
with your drunk daddy
and a cold skirt steak.

496
00:20:24,399 --> 00:20:25,670
<i>My name is RJ Berger,</i>

497
00:20:25,818 --> 00:20:29,680
<i>and please let me wake
up from this nightmare.</i>

498
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:34,677
www.addic7ed.com

