(''DOCTOR WHO'' THEME)
Control, quintessence of wickedness,
corruption incarnate!
Thank you for trusting me, Control.
(GROWLS) My half agreeingment done now.
Your desiring, in the darkness you shall find it!
Don't let it out!
- Too late! - Light?
- Light! - Josiah, come back!
Er, how do you do? I'm the Doctor. This is my friend Ace.
I hope you slept well.
- What the devil is that thing? - An angel, stupid.
That's just its shape here on Earth. It's called Light. It's come to survey life.
- It was crashed out in the basement. - Meanwhile, the survey got out of control.
- Control is me. - And the survey is Josiah.
(ACE) Light's come to sort it out. (DOCTOR) My idea.
(INSPECTOR) Who are you? (DOCTOR) I won't confuse you.
Remember our agreeingment, Doctor.
You promised Control freeness.
- (HIGH, GENTLE VOICE) Control? - Now. Tell it now.
How long have I been asleep?
Why have I naturalised in this form?
No! Light, don't!
(SWOOSHING)
- That was unnecessary. - Wasteful. None of the weapons work.
Withdraw!
We'll talk.
How many more times? This is Earth. Check the instruments in your spaceship.
Where has he got to now?
(THUNDERING CRASH)
- How does Light move so fast? - He travels at the speed of thought.
Earth.
Why mention that wretched planet to me?
If you don't like it, bog off!
I once spent centuries faithfully cataloguing all the species there, every organism,
from the smallest bacteria to the largest ichthyosaur.
No sooner had I finished, and it all started changing.
That's life.
(DEEP GROWL) Control?
How many more millennia must I suffer your company?
Is this Earth? Well?
Control wants her freeness. Be a ladylike.
- Doctor promised. - It is not his to give.
Did you promise, Professor?
- Things ran away with themselves. - Control, too, run away!
Light, Light, give her a break. She's not your real troublemaker.
You are interfering.
Yes, just like you, only I didn't get caught napping!
Why don't you forget the survey, Light...and go!
(THUNDERING CRASH)
- Has he gone? - No.
Nothing will delay my plans for the Empire.
With luck, Light and the Doctor will be at each others' throats before they notice.
Gwendoline, it's time for Miss Ace to leave us.
I'm sure she'll enjoy Java, Uncle, once she gets there.
Not as much as you'll enjoy sending her.
(INSECTS CHIRP)
Control's new world.
(CHUCKLES) Mmm!
You like them? You take.
Now we trade words.
This is not Earth. It cannot be.
Come here, child.
I need your assistance.
(SWOOSH)
- (CLATTERING) - What's that?
Just our imaginations.
No sign of Control.
It's weird. It feels like this whole place is coming alive.
Yes. It's the energy from Light's ship. Invigorating, isn't it?
- No. - What does it remind you of? All right!
It's none of my business.
- I thought this was a haunted house. - It is.
I was only 13! I got frightened, that's all.
The Tardis key. You can always wait for me there.
That's the easy way out.
Well, come on, then.
Doctor?
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you couldn't move?
- Doctor? - (SCREECHING)
(SQUAWKING AND SQUEALING)
You're all dead! You're all dead!
It wasn't my fault! I'm not guilty!
- I couldn't help it! - (SIREN SOUNDS)
(NOISES FADE)
Ace, my dear. I want you to come away.
Come away with me to Java.
The handsomest woman Redvers ever saw was daughter to a N'taba chief,
but she ate her cousin for breakfast.
Will Control be ladylike? Want so much.
After this hunt, I'll make you the finest ladylike in the Empire.
- Having fun? - You come taking Control's freeness!
Control, I've come to help you and to ask for your help.
No help. It's mine. You won't take it.
No, Control! Don't!
Come back! You won't get far!
Of course, I wouldn't be in a real lady's boudoir.
Even I can't play this many games at once!
- Then, help me with my hunt! - I haven't got time!
But I'm hunting the rarest creature in the world...the crowned Saxe-Coburg.
- Look. - Really?
Who's sponsoring the expedition? Josiah Samuel Smith.
When I find it, I shall shoot it.
Come on, Ace. I won't hurt you.
You mean...it'll be painless!
The crowned Saxe-Coburg isn't easy to discover.
A good hunter always knows the signs,
like a royal invitation to Buckingham Palace, for instance.
Why else would Josiah keep you alive so long, Redvers?
Will you join my expedition, Doctor?
Not yet. I've got to find Ace.
- Come here, you little brat! - Get off!
(ACE) Control, help me!
I wanted to see how it works, so I dismantled it.
But I need another specimen.
Sir, you are Light. Long ago, my people worshipped you as the Burning One.
I know you. I took you up as the last specimen
of the extinct Neanderthal race from Earth.
Yes, sir.
At least they knew when to stop evolving.
Who released you from your quarantine cubicle?
Mr Josiah. I am in his service.
Look at these microbes. They are evolving even as I speak.
My entire catalogue of the planet is worthless.
Centuries of work wasted!
Ah! Perhaps one of you knows where I'll find the Doctor.
- This place is like a madhouse. - We don't want things to change.
I'll make sure that they cannot.
(PIERCING SWOOSH)
- Control? - Leave alone! Go away!
- Am I still ratkin? - (WHINES)
It's all right. I didn't mean it.
Hate world.
Hate freeness. It bites.
Ran away into big empty nothing.
Sky flew away to nothing.
Want to hide from big open emptiness world.
It's this house. Kids smash things they hate, but what if it keeps coming back?
World only changing for him. Now he's Josiah.
Big man now. Leaving Control behind.
(WAILS) Control no ladylike!
Oh, cut the whingeing, Control!
Fight back, beat Josiah at his own game.
Go on. Try again. ''The rain in Spain falls mainly down the drain.''
(CROAKS) The rain-ah in Spain-ah falls-ah mainly...
There you are, Ace, my dear.
Control, help me!
New game play! Control go next!
- The natives are restless tonight. - Let me go! Let go!
Gwendoline, who does this remind you of?
Severe trauma. I could forgive her arranging those little trips to Java...
- She was hypnotised. - ..if she didn't enjoy them so much.
Professor, Control's got a few things to show Josiah.
No longer hiding.
Good. Just in time for dinner.
Good evening, Josiah.
- Don't have the soup. - Get that creature out of here.
- Get it out. - Go on. Knock 'em dead.
(''POSH'' VOICE) Control has her freeness now, squire.
What's this? Where's Gwendoline?
Better orf without you, guv'nor.
Doctor, I will not suffer that creature at my table.
That's no way to speak to a ladylike.
- Oi, Jungle Jim, I'm here too, you know. - No one hurting Control.
- Not in gutter now. - Who was it said,
''Earthmen never invite their ancestors round to dinner?''
Oh, which reminds me... Lady Pritchard, have you seen this?
It belongs to your daughter Gwendoline. There's a portrait of you. See?
Very nice likeness.
You and Sir George must have been very happy before the cuckoo invaded your nest.
(SOBS) Oh! Gwendoline!
- Mrs Pritchard, you're not dismissed! - Let her alone, sir.
- A lioness always protects her cubs. - No soup.
There's no way out of this for you, Doctor.
I knew it was a trap, but the guest of honour seems to have let you down.
Light will come.
Gwendoline?
Mama?
- Oh...Gwendoline! - Mama!
Oh, my dear. Oh, my dear.
Oh.
We were so happy once.
Do you remember riding with your father,
the dogs running behind barking?
And then he went away...
to Java.
- You sent him. - Mama, I thought you were lost.
Oh, I am, my dear.
We both are.
Oh, Mama. What have we done?
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
(DEEP GROWL) You changed.
Like the rest of this verminous planet, you adapted to your situation to survive.
Well, you'll never change again.
(PULSATING HUM)
They never harmed you.
- I've decided Earth's future. - (THUNDEROUS CRASH)
Josiah, tell me about your plan to assassinate Queen Victoria.
- (LAUGHS) You what? - Who have you been talking to?
- Myself mostly. - The British Empire's an anarchic mess.
There's no clear directive from the throne. No discipline.
Result? Confusion, wastage.
I can provide a new order. Wealth, prosperity.
Confusion, wastage, tyranny, burnt toast, till all the atlas is pink.
(HUMS ''RULE BRITANNIA'')
But it isn't your invitation to Buckingham Palace. Redvers?
I am allowed to take a guest.
Control proper ladylike now.
Out to dinner. Take Control meeting Queen lady.
Redvers, we agreed.
We hunt the crowned Saxe-Coburg together.
I gave up on Redvers. All he talks about is himself.
Here, Control.
It's mine, or I burn it!
You basest creatures!
You dare to defy me?
I'm a man of property!
- Then, I burn whole house. - No!
No, Control! Don't do it! That's what I did!
- In 1983? You didn't tell me that. - You're not my probation officer!
- Ace. - It was the house. It was full of evil
and hate left by him.
So I burnt the house down. I had to.
- It is wickedness! - No! (WAILS)
He only wanted to take over an empire. At least he didn't want to destroy the world.
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
Light, I think I've solved your problem for you.
There's only one solution to Earth. I was going to reduce it to this.
Oh, no.
So you started with Inspector Mackenzie.
- The cream of Scotland Yard. - Primordial soup,
the most precious substance in the universe, from which all life springs.
Merely sugars, proteins and amino acids...
but it will soon start to evolve again,
so I'm going to stop the change here.
All organic life will be eradicated in a firestorm...
and when this world is destroyed, no more change,
no more evolution, no more life.
No more amendments to my catalogue.
But you evolve too, Light.
- Nonsense! - Of course you do.
You change, adapt, all the time.
Your attitude, your place, your mind. Look at you now.
You're no longer your original shape.
And I don't think much about your catalogue. It's full of gaps.
All organic life is recorded.
What about the gryphons, basilisks?
You missed the dragons, the bandersnatches.
Then there are the slithy toves and the crowned Saxe-Coburg.
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
- Where are these items? - I can't think how you missed them.
You have to complete the catalogue before you destroy life here.
- Control? - She's no use. She's evolved as well.
No! All slipping away.
All is change, all is movement.
Tell me, Light. Haven't you just changed your location?
- Not yet. - What's the matter? Changed your mind?
You are endlessly agitating, unceasingly mischievous.
- Will you never stop?! - I suppose I could. It would make a change.
Nimrod...I can rely on you. Assist me now.
I'm sorry, sir. My allegiance is to this planet, my birthright.
(HOWLS)
Everything is changing.
All in flux.
Nothing remains the same.
Even remains change. It's this planet. It can't help itself.
I...will not change.
I'll wake up soon.
(CROAKS) No change... Dead... (MUMBLES).
Subject for catalogue. File under ''imagination, lack of''.
Excuse me, sir, but Light instigated the firestorm program prior to dinner.
- Ah. - What does that mean?
A very big explosion...very soon.
How do we stop it?
- Don't touch! - It'll nuke Earth!
- Look. - Fine time to watch a video.
- How does this ship travel? - Speed of thought.
Yes. Light's gone. The ship survives with a new crew.
- Turn off the power, Doctor! - Get off, scumbag!
- I'll have my empire. - The ship doesn't want you to.
There's a place for you here, old chap.
Stop that immediately! Get back where you belong!
(JOSIAH GROANS)
There go the rungs in his evolutionary ladder.
Evolve your way out of that one.
No way out now!
- No changing! - You are the most unhappy creature.
- I shall look after you. - They swapped over.
We have work to do. Entries to devise to complete the catalogue.
No nukes? Isn't it going to explode?
Explode or fly. After all, it is a spaceship.
The energy will be redeployed for our departure, sir.
Redvers has the whole universe to explore for his catalogue!
New horizons, wondrous beasts! Light years from Zanzibar!
Doctor, something tells me you are not in our catalogue...nor will you ever be.
You're busy. Must fly.
- Bye-bye. - Come on. Bye.
- We've got to get clear for the take-off. - Take-off?
They've gone.
Like a passing thought.
As long as their minds don't wander.
(CRACKLING)
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
- He's dispersed. - For ever?
The house will remember.
Just the ghost of an evil memory lingering.
A dark secret after the candle is out.
- I felt it here in 100 years' time. - An evil older than time itself.
So I burnt the house down.
Any regrets?
Yes.
- Yes? - I wish I'd blown it up instead.
Wicked.