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Previously on The Hard
Times of RJ Berger...
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Tomorrow is your daddy's
and my 20th anniversary.
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RJ, I was just wondering
if you were free...
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00:00:07,534 --> 00:00:09,201
to spend a little time
with your old man tonight.
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- Dad, of course...
- Oh, God. Oh, thank you.
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I'm telling you,
as a veteran of divorce,
7
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these things never end well.
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Counted on you,
and you weren't there for me.
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There's a space.
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Right between douche-face
one and douche-face two.
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You know, there's a very
spacious one over there.
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Seriously?
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You don't want me to park here
because of the big, scary jocks?
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Check your side.
15
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Do I got it?
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Yeah, does she have it, homo erectus?
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Yeah, you got it, Amy.
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Ho, ho, is your little boyfriend...
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old enough to sit in the front seat?
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Uh, says the guy who drives alone.
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Not quite, driving miss nerdy.
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My name is RJ Berger,
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and I really need my driver's license.
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Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com
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Don't let those idiots bother you.
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You know, just take
comfort in the fact...
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that guys like Max Owens...
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either end up fat or in jail
or both after high school.
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It's not even that.
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I'm just so tired of being stuck
with my mom and freaking coach,
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or in my dad's petri
dish of a hotel room.
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I just need independence.
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I need to be able to get out.
I need wheels!
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Oh. You're not about to
break into song or dance...
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or anything, are you?
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You have a lady friend with a car.
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It's kind of like
having your own wheels.
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Thank you, but it's not the same.
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I need my license.
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So you're almost 16.
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00:02:07,182 --> 00:02:12,091
Push down on the clutch
and get it in gear.
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Yeah, I apologize.
That was really stupid.
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It was kind of cute.
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Come on. We got to know
at least one adult...
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that would supervise our
driving practice hours.
46
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My brother Chet lost his license.
47
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My mom's working late.
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Hey, what about your dad
and that pimp mustang?
49
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Nobody say nothin'.
50
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Got to down some mistake juice,
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and then we can get started.
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Roger, the almost lily murderer,
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is our driver's ed teacher.
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Great.
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Oh, God.
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Good morning, class!
57
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It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
58
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,024
What are you, like,
the frickin' tell-time guy?
59
00:03:09,059 --> 00:03:12,865
No, I'm not the... Tell-time guy.
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All right, listen, ass napkins,
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while I'm down the
hall taking a deuce...
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and blowing out my "o" ring,
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here's a little safety video.
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Hit the lights, cherry.
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No, no, red shirt cherry.
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Hey, kids!
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My name's skid mark,
the safety stain...
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A magical mixture of asphalt,
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tire rubber, and human blood.
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Want to know how me and
my brothers get born?
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Well, watch this.
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I'm made when careless new drivers...
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don't have their eyes on the road.
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Just like that,
I have a new baby brother...
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and you're dead.
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00:04:01,285 --> 00:04:03,789
While your family forever
suffers your loss,
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haunted by guilt that
ultimately destroys them...
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My family gets a new baby!
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Even fun times can end in tragedy.
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Oh.
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Oh. Oh...
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Whoa...
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So remember, kids,
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keep your eyes on the road,
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or we'll haunt your dreams forever.
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In hell!
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That was awesome.
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What'd you do? Spread too fast?
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Cheerleading mishap.
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Jennifer Swanson.
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Such a shame.
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As new head cheerleader,
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I fully accept your leave of absence.
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Feel better now.
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Back off, bitch.
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Go chase cars somewhere else.
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You two deserve each other.
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Hmm, uh, bye-bye.
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Thanks for sticking up for me.
100
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Well, us ex-Berger ladies
got to stick together, right?
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Hey, you want to hang out tonight?
102
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We can kind of do a
"where the boys aren't" thing?
103
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We can drink and gossip
and talk about...
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how every single person at
this school sucks balls!
105
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Okay. That sounds fun.
106
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I could actually use that right now.
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Cool.
108
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Hey, Rick,
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there's a girl on the
phone over here for you.
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Coming. I'm coming. God.
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She sounds like a young one.
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Yeah. Great. Thanks. I got it. Yeah.
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Yeah. Who is it?
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Hey, dad.
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It's RJ.
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Oh, what do you want, traitor seed?
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How many times do I
have to say I'm sorry?
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I don't know. Let me think. More?
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Look, I'm not happy about
coach and mom either, okay?
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But I'm not the enemy.
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Everyone is my enemy now.
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Dad, I... I need a favor.
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Oh, really?
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What can I do for you, son?
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Dad, this is really important to me.
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Do you still have your car?
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Sort of.
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Dude, I can't believe
we get to practice...
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in your dad's sweet mustang.
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Hey, let's just hope it runs, okay?
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My dad's sort of gone off the deep end.
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Aw, come on, RJ. Give him...
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Rj, over here. It's daddy.
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Oh, my God. What is he doing?
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And why can't I stop staring...
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even though I'm disgusted by it?
137
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Come on, guys. Let's roll.
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There's no way we're getting in that.
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Uh-uh.
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Give him a shot.
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Look, he's trying to be a good dad.
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Besides, Berger,
if you never get wheels,
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then you never get to
have fun in the back seat.
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Well, one thing's for sure.
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If we don't get in,
he just keeps honking.
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- Hey, Amy.
- Hi.
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- Hey, bud.
- Hey.
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- Hey, Mr. Berger.
- Seatbelts.
149
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So, dad, how, uh, how have things been?
150
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Oh, you know, my wife is
humping my coworker...
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and my only son betrays me...
152
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and then needs a favor the next day.
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The usual.
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You've also got a dude's
junk as a hood ornament.
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Hunkeez is pinkerton's
finest gentlewoman's club,
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Miles, and it pays this car's lease,
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provided I drive around
three hours a day...
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through
densely-populated areas.
159
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That's the weirdest thing I ever heard.
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He means good for you, Mr. b.
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That's very proactive
and industrious of you.
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Well, thank you, Amy.
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I also get as many complimentary
chicken wings as I want.
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Three square meals a day.
165
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So what happened to the mustang?
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Mustang's in hock.
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As is my family.
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And my...Life.
169
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Oh, jeez...
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Dad. Dad, come on, dad.
171
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It's not that bad.
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It's... it's a nice car on the inside.
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I'm so sorry, son. I...
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At least pull over. Come on.
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Okay.
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You're a man.
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You're a man.
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Okay, guys, uh, so who wants
to take the first spin?
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- Stop, stop!
- Stop sign, stop sign!
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Ah!
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Good.
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Now, uh, ease on the brake.
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Hey, yes. All right.
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00:08:55,278 --> 00:08:58,846
Uh, hands on her boobs,
son, not her butt.
185
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,947
Yeah, just imagine the steering
wheel is Amy back there.
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00:09:00,981 --> 00:09:01,948
Dad!
187
00:09:01,982 --> 00:09:03,281
Hey, whatever helps you remember.
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00:09:03,315 --> 00:09:05,416
Grope away.
189
00:09:05,451 --> 00:09:06,950
Yeah, turn into this alley right here.
190
00:09:06,984 --> 00:09:08,018
- What?
- Yeah.
191
00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:10,419
Got a little surprise for you guys.
192
00:09:10,453 --> 00:09:13,020
And cut it. Cut it. Cut it. Cut!
193
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:16,355
Yes, cut, cut.
194
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,724
Okay, and stop here.
195
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- That was...
- Jeez.
196
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,161
Well done, bud. Well done.
197
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,663
Thanks, dad.
198
00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,030
Just wanted to treat you guys...
199
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:28,265
to a little, uh, hunkeez buffet.
200
00:09:28,299 --> 00:09:30,767
Wait, we're at hunkeez?
201
00:09:30,801 --> 00:09:35,971
You brought us to a male
strip club for a buffet.
202
00:09:36,005 --> 00:09:38,639
Wait, dad, what are you doing?
203
00:09:38,673 --> 00:09:39,807
Come on, guys.
204
00:09:39,841 --> 00:09:41,107
We'll have some wings and a soda.
205
00:09:41,142 --> 00:09:42,608
It'll be fun.
206
00:09:42,643 --> 00:09:45,210
Um, yeah, as a female and a vegetarian,
207
00:09:45,244 --> 00:09:46,811
there's no way I'm going in there.
208
00:09:46,845 --> 00:09:49,713
Well, suit yourself.
What about you boys?
209
00:09:49,747 --> 00:09:52,916
Uh, you know, for once,
I...Agree with a vegetarian.
210
00:09:52,950 --> 00:09:55,018
It's just...
211
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:57,921
Dad, come on. You're embarrassing me.
212
00:09:57,955 --> 00:09:59,889
Fine. I see how it is.
213
00:09:59,923 --> 00:10:01,424
You have time for your mom,
214
00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:03,525
but no time for your old man.
215
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:06,293
Dad.
216
00:10:06,328 --> 00:10:09,363
Come on, dad.
217
00:10:12,433 --> 00:10:13,400
Voila.
218
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:15,501
Are you sure about this?
219
00:10:15,535 --> 00:10:17,635
It looks kind of silly.
220
00:10:17,669 --> 00:10:21,204
No, this looks silly.
221
00:10:21,238 --> 00:10:22,571
I mean, come on, Jenny.
222
00:10:22,606 --> 00:10:23,739
We're having a sleepover.
223
00:10:23,773 --> 00:10:25,206
We're doing each other's hair weird.
224
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,373
Haven't you ever done that before?
225
00:10:27,408 --> 00:10:28,508
Not really.
226
00:10:28,542 --> 00:10:30,576
Well, for what it's worth,
227
00:10:30,610 --> 00:10:32,011
you look amazing.
228
00:10:32,045 --> 00:10:34,412
Well, thank you.
229
00:10:34,446 --> 00:10:38,082
You look very pretty yourself.
230
00:10:38,116 --> 00:10:40,517
You know, for the longest time,
I thought you hated me.
231
00:10:40,551 --> 00:10:41,884
Oh, I did.
232
00:10:41,919 --> 00:10:43,919
But now that I have Hamilton,
233
00:10:43,953 --> 00:10:45,753
losing the battle for RJ's bulge...
234
00:10:45,788 --> 00:10:47,789
doesn't really bother me.
235
00:10:47,823 --> 00:10:50,257
We both lost that battle.
236
00:10:50,292 --> 00:10:52,192
Well, look on the bright side, Barbie.
237
00:10:52,226 --> 00:10:55,895
At least you're still popular.
238
00:10:55,929 --> 00:10:59,031
Not anymore.
239
00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:04,602
Ugh...
240
00:11:04,636 --> 00:11:09,974
Man, we have been waiting for
an hour and a half and counting.
241
00:11:10,009 --> 00:11:11,341
All right, screw this. I'm going in.
242
00:11:11,376 --> 00:11:14,377
If you're going, I'm going.
243
00:11:14,411 --> 00:11:16,945
Yeah, I'm totally staying
out here by myself.
244
00:11:16,979 --> 00:11:18,780
I...
245
00:11:23,417 --> 00:11:25,351
Dude, is there anything more creepy...
246
00:11:25,386 --> 00:11:27,286
than being in a
male strip club?
247
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,854
Ugh. I feel like I'm gonna be
attacked by someone's Johnson...
248
00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:31,690
out of nowhere.
249
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:33,157
Now you know how girls feel.
250
00:11:33,191 --> 00:11:34,725
Relax. No one's gonna attack us.
251
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,726
Yeah, right. Aah!
252
00:11:36,761 --> 00:11:37,861
Where the hell you been?
253
00:11:40,535 --> 00:11:42,172
Ooh, I'd like to take
a shot off that body.
254
00:11:42,206 --> 00:11:43,643
You are an hour late.
255
00:11:43,677 --> 00:11:45,047
I got a room full of
horny housewives...
256
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,250
about to rip this joint apart.
257
00:11:46,284 --> 00:11:47,320
Oh, no. No, no, no.
258
00:11:47,354 --> 00:11:48,892
Uh, I'm just looking for my dad.
259
00:11:48,926 --> 00:11:50,730
I know. Daddy didn't give
you enough love growing up.
260
00:11:50,765 --> 00:11:52,068
That's why you became a stripper.
261
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,171
I don't got time for therapy.
262
00:11:53,205 --> 00:11:54,709
Get up there and shake your snake, kid.
263
00:11:54,743 --> 00:11:56,013
Come on. Get up there.
264
00:11:56,047 --> 00:11:57,016
Wait. Wait, I'm sorry.
265
00:11:57,051 --> 00:11:58,019
There's been a mistake.
266
00:11:59,089 --> 00:12:00,392
Hi. Shake it!
267
00:12:00,426 --> 00:12:03,166
Kid looks hotter than his headshot.
268
00:12:03,201 --> 00:12:04,738
Who the hell are you two,
his entourage?
269
00:12:04,772 --> 00:12:07,044
Buffy and Fluffy?
270
00:12:07,078 --> 00:12:09,317
And now, for tonight's main vein event,
271
00:12:09,351 --> 00:12:11,757
the very young, the very hung,
272
00:12:11,791 --> 00:12:15,668
Brock hard!
273
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:17,472
Take it off, Harry Potter!
274
00:12:17,506 --> 00:12:21,717
Yeah, show us your
sorcerer's bone, baby!
275
00:12:21,751 --> 00:12:24,257
Shake your moneymaker, squirt.
276
00:12:27,769 --> 00:12:30,775
Whoo!
277
00:12:30,810 --> 00:12:32,246
Yeah!
278
00:12:32,281 --> 00:12:33,650
Leave him alone.
279
00:12:33,684 --> 00:12:35,421
Who is that?
280
00:12:35,457 --> 00:12:37,796
Stay out of this, chicken wings.
281
00:12:40,738 --> 00:12:43,379
That's my son, abner.
282
00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:45,217
I don't care whose
balls he flew out of.
283
00:12:45,251 --> 00:12:47,423
He's my dancer,
and he's not going anywhere...
284
00:12:47,457 --> 00:12:49,897
until he earns his tips.
285
00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:52,537
Let him go.
286
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:56,381
Let him go, and I'll
dance in his place.
287
00:12:56,417 --> 00:12:57,418
- Ooh.
- Yeah, that's right.
288
00:12:57,452 --> 00:13:01,697
Dad...
289
00:13:01,731 --> 00:13:03,101
You?
290
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,627
Okay.
291
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:14,532
We're getting our bathing suits.
292
00:13:14,566 --> 00:13:15,568
We're getting our ba...
293
00:13:15,602 --> 00:13:18,076
We're...
294
00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,079
Come on, Nicole...
295
00:13:19,113 --> 00:13:20,582
I love this show.
296
00:13:20,617 --> 00:13:23,224
You know who never used
to let me watch this show?
297
00:13:23,258 --> 00:13:24,995
- Robin.
- How did you know?
298
00:13:25,029 --> 00:13:26,499
'Cause she's a bitch.
299
00:13:26,534 --> 00:13:28,906
She probably doesn't let herself
watch her own favorite show.
300
00:13:28,940 --> 00:13:31,012
You know, she used
to be my best friend,
301
00:13:31,046 --> 00:13:33,853
but I guess she is kind of...
302
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:35,892
Say it.
303
00:13:35,927 --> 00:13:37,931
- It's mean.
- Say it!
304
00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:43,682
She's a lowdown, dirty,
sloppy second slurping bitch!
305
00:13:43,716 --> 00:13:46,055
You're right. She's a bitch.
306
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:48,496
She... she stole my life.
307
00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:49,967
She stole my boyfriend.
308
00:13:50,001 --> 00:13:52,139
She dropped me on purpose,
309
00:13:52,174 --> 00:13:53,945
and all the other girls know about it,
310
00:13:53,979 --> 00:13:55,583
but they're too scared to say anything.
311
00:13:55,618 --> 00:13:58,659
I never did anything
to that stupid whore.
312
00:13:58,693 --> 00:14:01,366
That skanky, bitch-ass ho!
313
00:14:01,401 --> 00:14:03,473
Yeah! Now you're talking.
314
00:14:03,507 --> 00:14:04,776
I like it.
315
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:06,047
That felt good.
316
00:14:06,081 --> 00:14:09,690
Yeah, scared me a little too.
317
00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:12,030
Sorry about what she did to you.
318
00:14:12,064 --> 00:14:14,269
Whatever. You know.
319
00:14:14,303 --> 00:14:16,842
Least I found out who my
real friends are, right?
320
00:14:16,876 --> 00:14:20,051
Us crippies got to stick together.
321
00:14:20,085 --> 00:14:22,825
Cheers.
322
00:14:26,002 --> 00:14:28,440
If your old man doesn't
make it rain dollar bills,
323
00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:29,778
you're the next one up on the pole.
324
00:14:31,718 --> 00:14:34,859
Ladies and more ladies,
325
00:14:34,893 --> 00:14:36,631
you got yourself a treat tonight.
326
00:14:36,665 --> 00:14:39,072
After 15 years of retirement,
327
00:14:39,106 --> 00:14:41,378
hunkeez is proud to present...
328
00:14:41,412 --> 00:14:45,188
Rick "the brick" Berger!
329
00:14:50,203 --> 00:14:53,009
Whoo!
330
00:14:53,044 --> 00:14:55,582
Haven't heard that name in a long time.
331
00:14:55,618 --> 00:14:58,624
Long...Long time.
332
00:14:58,658 --> 00:15:01,866
Hey, dj. That board got
a decent cassette deck?
333
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,938
Uh, no, but we got an mp3 player.
334
00:15:03,973 --> 00:15:09,422
Oh, well, that'll...
That'll have to do, won't it?
335
00:15:09,456 --> 00:15:13,634
Son, I was never able to teach
you how to catch a ball.
336
00:15:13,668 --> 00:15:15,171
But this...
337
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:19,651
This is what your daddy
does really well.
338
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,089
Hit it!
339
00:15:31,619 --> 00:15:33,724
- Holy bajeezus.
- Oh!
340
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:34,893
Okay, it's official.
341
00:15:34,928 --> 00:15:36,665
Your family is more
screwed up than mine.
342
00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:43,516
Whoo!
343
00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:47,126
I hate to admit it,
but I got a quarter chub right now.
344
00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,664
Half chub!
345
00:16:00,699 --> 00:16:02,336
Take it off!
346
00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:07,050
Take it off!
347
00:16:07,084 --> 00:16:10,058
Oh, my God!
348
00:16:10,092 --> 00:16:12,231
Yes! Show us your penis!
349
00:16:16,512 --> 00:16:17,949
Amy, I completely understand...
350
00:16:17,983 --> 00:16:22,795
if you never want to see me again.
351
00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:23,932
RJ, are you kidding me?
352
00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:25,069
This is the most fun I've had...
353
00:16:25,103 --> 00:16:26,840
since I found out what the shocker was.
354
00:16:26,874 --> 00:16:29,681
Plus half of my daddy issues
just completely evaporated.
355
00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:36,966
Skills like this, kid,
they run in the family.
356
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,503
You call me in a few years.
357
00:16:38,538 --> 00:16:42,414
I suspect your banana hasn't
fallen far from the hammock.
358
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,765
Dad, that was amazing!
359
00:17:00,799 --> 00:17:01,901
Thank you, son.
360
00:17:01,936 --> 00:17:03,975
Now, when I say "run,
" we should all run.
361
00:17:04,009 --> 00:17:05,779
- What?
- Run!
362
00:17:05,813 --> 00:17:09,958
Aah!
363
00:17:09,992 --> 00:17:11,396
Start the car, son!
364
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,732
Are we pulling a strip and ditch?
365
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:13,902
You bet your sweet ass!
366
00:17:13,936 --> 00:17:15,875
I made enough to get the
mustang out of hock.
367
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,181
Punch it.
368
00:17:18,215 --> 00:17:20,889
Rick! Rick, you son of a bitch!
369
00:17:20,923 --> 00:17:23,195
Half those tips belong to the house!
370
00:17:23,229 --> 00:17:24,966
I'm keeping your cassette, asshole!
371
00:17:26,157 --> 00:17:26,961
Grr!
372
00:17:31,385 --> 00:17:32,342
Dad.
373
00:17:32,376 --> 00:17:33,465
Hey, bud.
374
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:34,457
Mustang's looking good.
375
00:17:34,491 --> 00:17:35,712
Yeah.
376
00:17:35,746 --> 00:17:36,837
Not gonna park it outside
the motel, are you?
377
00:17:36,996 --> 00:17:37,325
Uh, no.
378
00:17:37,461 --> 00:17:39,205
My neighbors would think
I was a drug dealer.
379
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,189
You think you could, uh,
380
00:17:42,222 --> 00:17:43,972
keep it safe for me?
381
00:17:44,007 --> 00:17:46,153
Are you sure?
382
00:17:46,187 --> 00:17:47,672
Oh, it depends on how you did in there.
383
00:17:47,707 --> 00:17:48,928
Passed. Got my permit!
384
00:17:48,963 --> 00:17:51,473
Oh! That's... Oh, that's great.
385
00:17:51,506 --> 00:17:53,256
Oh, God. I am so proud of you.
386
00:17:53,291 --> 00:17:54,743
I'm proud of you too, dad.
387
00:17:54,777 --> 00:17:57,914
Proud of me? Why?
388
00:17:57,948 --> 00:18:01,252
Yeah. I mean, I know all
this has been tough on you,
389
00:18:01,285 --> 00:18:04,555
but you were still there for me.
390
00:18:04,589 --> 00:18:06,703
I guess I've had a lot of fun
over the last couple days,
391
00:18:06,736 --> 00:18:08,553
and...
392
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,238
I've missed, um...
393
00:18:10,272 --> 00:18:11,890
I miss...
394
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,731
I do too, son.
395
00:18:14,765 --> 00:18:17,077
So you want to take her for a spin?
396
00:18:17,111 --> 00:18:18,794
Her?
397
00:18:18,829 --> 00:18:20,843
And her.
398
00:18:27,484 --> 00:18:31,711
Here you go.
399
00:18:31,745 --> 00:18:35,543
So, uh, think she's a
keeper or a clunker?
400
00:18:35,578 --> 00:18:37,657
Definitely a keeper.
401
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,901
My name is RJ Berger,
402
00:18:43,935 --> 00:18:47,370
and I'm having the ride of my life.
403
00:18:47,453 --> 00:18:50,016
Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com