Hey.
Nicheer.
What is up with this outfit today?
So good to see..What?
It's all red.
It's like Santa claus ejaculated on you or something.
Christmas is like six months away.
It's for the holiday.
Wait, wait, wait what holiday?
Happy 4th of July to you.
Oh, right.
4th of July.
It's such a stupid holiday.
What?
I'm just saying, I can never keep track.
Celebrating.
Celebrating what?
America's independence.
From who?
From the British Empire.
Yeah, half the world got released from British empire.
Do they celebrate very 5 minutes.
It's a beautiful holiday.
You know what holiday they mean in this country, sale.
That's what they mean.
It's sale.
Memorial Day.
Dead veterans sale.
Veterans day, dead veterans, sale.
It's not called dead veterans day.
But it's the same thing as memorial day.
Only the sales are different.
Don't ask me about the merits of the American holidays.
All I know, is it is time to celebrate.
Okay.
All right.
You got all jewey on me all the sudden.
I love when you get jewey.
I know, we're celebrated.
Yes, rabbi.
Thank you for coming to the congregation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm glad I make you laugh.
Because you came in so tense.
I'm a little, a little preoccupied.
I have a big project coming up.
What is this?
It's a project about the American entrepreneur and I've already
interviewed 7 people.
I need one more.
One more to complete the 8 person documentary.
Hello.
I just can't... What?
I'm right here.
I know, that's why I want to get to business.
No, no, mecha.
American entrepreneur.
C'mon you know how much I want to be on television.
You?
Of course meyt.
What's so funny?
Well, you're not even American.
Meecha, I'm as American as the next person.
It has to be someone, American.
I am American.
You're American?
Yes.
Okay, I'll as you a series of questions.
If you can pass this test, maybe I'll consider it.
Okay, here we go.
Who is the short stop for the new York Yankees.
Derek Jeter.
That's only because he's handsome.
No, because he's a client.
Derek Jeter is a client?
Yes.
I do lots of teams.
What does kfc stand for?
Kentucky fresh chicken.
No, no.
Yes, they changed it.
Did they?
Yes.
See.
We shouldn't eat that anyway.
That's why they changed it to fresh because they think people are stupid.
We're going to fry it but we'll call it fresh, now you want it.
Kentucky fresh chicken.
Turns out you're more American than I am.
You see?
C'mon, c'mon gimme chance.
All right, listen to me.
I'll do it.
If you don't come across as American in this interview tomorrow,
my boss will never accept it.
You understand me?
And then the project will be shit.
Caput.
I don't know about that.
You're wife will leave you and you'll be depressed and you'll commit
suicide and you will be in the papers like river Phoenix.
I get it.
Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Had a fantastic morning.
I had sex session with Mitch Goldstein the Jewish producer.
I know it's redundant to say Jewish producer but I wanted to say it anyway.
They're doing documentary about American entrepreneurs and
they're going to feature me and you guys as American entrepreneur family.
Wow!
Nice.
Only problem is, we're not American.
So, we're going to have to go through amerimorfasian.
Otherwise, the piece is fucked.
All right?
American changes.
We're going to bathe more.
We're going to be a little more neurotic.
We're going to be a little more ignorant of national geography.
Okay, agoraphobic, xenophobic, paranoid schizophrenic.
All the American values.
And floss.
Flossing everywhere.
Everywhere because Americans really like to floss.
Okay?
Can we get one of those fuck 150 trucks?
What is a fuck 150 truck?
I don't know, they advertise on the t.V.
They say fuck 150?
Well, no but it's f-150 but what does it stand for?
They're probably a million words that start with f.
Like what?
Ford.
No.
Festive.
Feline.
Nah.
Furry.
Maybe.
Fart.
I don't think so.
Americans love to fart.
They love to fart so if anybody farts near you, you have to smile and laugh
because it's very funny when somebody gets gas out of their butt.
Laugh.
Great, fantastic.
St. Petersburg House of Discrete Pleasure, hello?
Oh, hi, miss rivers.
Yeah, Mitch told me you'd be calling.
I am the maid Svetlana.
No, she is not home right now.
She's at kmart buying bullets, and tobacco, firearms.
Boxer briefs, you know stuff for 4th of July.
Tomorrow?
Great, yeah.
No, she'll be very excited.
Yeah.
Suzanne.
Suzanne Smith.
Okay, well we look forward to meeting you here at uh, at uh main street house
of pleasure.
Okay, have a good day.
Bye, bye.
That was a close one.
Okay, we have to get things ready.
Okay, I'll get things ready.
You, your not very wanted.
Hey.
Hey, good morning.
Good morning.
Have American food today.
No more Russian cuisine in this household.
African-American food because African-Americans are Americans.
That's why they have American in the name.
Chicken and waffles.
This is science experiment you do today?
We are American now.
We eat big, inappropriate food for breakfast.
Oh, there she is.
This is your new best friend holly.
Holly, meet Marsha.
Hi Marsha, oh my gosh, I named all my fish Marsha.
I love that name.
I can tell we're going to be the best of friends.
Well, all my siblings died in a minivan explosion, so my friends are my family.
That's great.
Go to your room, play and put on that new outfit I bought you.
Something American.
Cool, do you have a canopy?
What's your favorite color?
Mine is rainbow, but it's really close with sunshine.
Is she client?
Okay girls, have fun at the amusement park.
Lots of American activities.
Just bring her back in time for the barbeque, okay?
Okay Mrs. Svetlana.
We're going to share cotton candy without our hands.
One time when I was on a roller coaster, I shit my pants.
Try a little, hello?
Hello?
It's a hee.
But that's how I speak.
Yes, that's what we're trying to change Svetlana.
He, he, try to cough that up.
It's gone, no more ech.
Ha.
Hello mama.
Hellow mama.
Ah, you see, maybe.
Try it without the... Hello mama.
Maybe a tight scarf around you might help.
Maybe.
Hello.
Where did that come from?
Svetlana where did that come from?
It's weird.
I can't walk around with my hand on my throat though, you know what I mean.
Weird.
Ah, there we go.
One things I notice, American's chew a lot of gum.
There is a lot of gum in their mouth.
I don't have any gum.
You should have brought some.
I mean you need to bring accessories.
I usually bring gum but I didn't think we were going to need it.
So the chewing the gum and we're walking down the street and we're sassy.
We're sassy American lady and we say hey, buddy.
How's your 401k holding up?
Hey buddy, how's your 4... . Fuck!
Okay, I got it.
I got it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's too much pressure.
It's like My Fair Lady but the Ockford years.
What about tornado and laredo, oh hell, we'll have to cancel the parado.
Let's try that one.
That's one of my favorites.
Maybe I should beat some time to it.
How about, ready, let's try that.
Tornado in laredo.
I don't even know where laredo is?
It doesn't matter where it is Svetlana.
Of course it matters where it is.
I have to have context.
I can't just spell things out in rhyme.
It's in Texas.
Okay.
And that is something when you do your geography tutorial.
So tedious.
There is a tornado in laredo, cancel the fucking parado.
Get out.
You know what my time... You're time is definitely out.
I want you to stay away from "rs" and stay away from "s".
Stay away from h's by all means.
Great.
You know what you should do, you should get yourself sign language.
Great dialect coach.
Fantastic 6 hours and I still can say something like rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain.
There is a tornado in laredo.
Let's cancel the parado.
I'd like a hamburger please.
Thank you.
Can you pass the coffee?
Basically what we need you to do is coach us on American women in the sack.
Well, now, I've got to say I've spent my
whole life trying to figure all this out, so.
I don't know that I have all the answers but I can sort of lead you in the
direction, maybe where you want to go.
Great, fantastic.
♪1.
American women are nervous about their body.
So, sometimes, like for instance, if we were to have relations now in
this sort of lighted situation, it would never happen.
It's too bright.
We can see each other's flaws and blemishes.
I have one somewhere over here.
I have many.
But listen, that's not a problem.
We close our eyes.
Come over here.
All right.
Now I want you to think American thoughts, not Russian thoughts.
Okay, American thoughts.
We close our eyes, we're kind of embarrassed but we're going to have relations.
Oh this is so weird, we're having sex.
This is wrong.
God is punishing us.
Yes.
Guilty, guilty.
Okay, this is really boring.
Now I understand why American women commit suicide.
Okay, what's next.
So the relations have been going along, right?
But then, wait a minute.
We don't want to smell any sort of natural odors.
Okay.
Sweat, joy, humanity, any of that must be eliminated.
Okay.
So we just.
What the hell.
Whoa, whoa what are you doing man?
We just clean that right up.
We just cover it right up with some sort of, oh, now that's much better.
It smells like ammonia.
But ammonia with some flowers mixed in there.
We're copulating.
We relating.
Fornicating.
During that time American women like to have a cold, refreshing drink.
Oh, no.
Are you sweating?
Is that sweat?
Is that good?
That's good.
American thoughts.
Okay, what is this?
How is this evoking anything.
Like to ride ponies.
Like a little trot.
Okay.
Here we go.
Okay, great.
Rodeos.
Rodeo.
Oh the bull.
There's the bull.
Okay, the bull.
The bull.
Riding.
Okay.
♪ America, America ♪.
Come here guys.
Pete?
Yeah.
How you doing?
Your wife said there was a barbecue going on back here.
All right.
Nice to meet you.
Happy 4th bro.
The 4th of July.
Good to be American!
What is this your listening to?
That's overture.
Third overture.
Beethoven.
That's awful.
We're going to listen to this.
Let's hear it.
Wow, that's nice.
Get some of that.
Usa.
I like this guy.
High five is a little gay bro.
Keep it to the pound.
I love roller coasters.
You like to fart on the roller coasters also.
Yeah, that's genetic.
I sleep really deeply too.
Sometimes I find myself next door watching the neighbor sleep and I
don't even know how I got there.
I think your mom is going to be so happy that I'm making you American.
Oh my gosh, we can have a slumber party
and we can wax each other's bikini line and also we can paint each other's
toe nails.
What kind of medication are you taking?
I'm on life.
That's all the drug I need.
Life makes me high.
I used to have a meth addiction but then Jesus called and that was all
over for me.
Stop!
Talking, stop, talking.
That is it.
I spent $50 trying to win that for you.
You care about nothing.
You are soulless.
This is your head.
Stop you.
I will physically stop you from doing that.
You, you foreign monster.
Oh, oh my God.
I quit.
But you drove here.
Well get a ride.
You're a whore, so it shouldn't be too difficult.
Oh my God.
Physical assault.
You psychotic head.
You're not construction worker.
I love it.
This is what you gotta do.
You gotta put a little beer on it to soak in the flavor.
It's like pissing on the burger.
You don't put that... You put a little vodka on it.
You don't like putting beer on it?
No, I do not like putting the beer on it?
Do you?
Yeah.
Just put the fucking beer on.
You don't put the fucking beer on the fucking burger.
What are you talking about?
You put the beer on the burger.
Not on my God damn burger.
You know what, I don't like you so much bro.
I don't like you fucking either.
I paid you to be American guy at barbecue.
Yeah, this is what you do at an American barbecue.
You get in a little fight and then you become friends and drink and eat.
Okay.
I got to go back to the reporter.
Fucking nightmare.
3, 2, I'm Melissa rivers with our continuing look at the American entrepreneur.
It's July 4th.
And what could possibly be more all-American than apple pie.
Nowadays that the mom of four is also a ceo.
We are here to meet Suzanne Smith president and ceo of main street House of
Discrete Pleasure.
Let's take a look.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you?
Good, I'm Melissa.
I'm Suzanne Smith.
It's so nice to meet everybody.
C'mon in.
Thank you.
Well, you know it's a big hectic day here at main street house of pleasure
because it's 4th of July, as you know.
And we're having a big barbecue and a lot of celebration.
But I do have time to talk to you and the American people.
That is fantastic.
I think what we want to find out is what makes Suzanne tick.
What makes you be a mom, a business woman.
And what keeps you going as a woman?
I'm happy to share all of that with you and the American people.
Why don't we go into my little American wolf nook.
Wolf nook?
Ready?
Yeah.
Tell me a little bit about your childhood.
Okay, uh, do I look in the camera.
Stay with me.
It's like in the office like where they, you know they push a note.
This is like a real interview.
You know, they're not there.
How did this business start?
Well, basically I felt like as an American, it was my duty to fulfill my
potential.
And I found at a very early age that I excelled at intercourse.
And your children.
You're a mother of 4.
Yes.
How do your kids handle this?
Well, they work for me.
Your children work for you?
Yes.
And you feel as an American mother that it is fine to prostitute your children?
Well, as long as they eat right and do their homework, yes.
I am a believer that the world is a scary
place outside of our borders and Europe, especially.
And everywhere that is next to Europe which is the rest of the other places
that exist outside America.
Really?
Yeah.
But I really would love to show you our home and show you our American ways
here at main street House of Discrete Pleasure.
8185554432.
Well, this is the hallway.
And right here is our living space where we conduct lots of americany
activities.
Uh, this is the flag that my aunt Betsy made.
Really?
Yes.
In 1810.
Well this must be old.
She died at the age of 146.
Wow.
It's the navajo blood in us.
Oh, navajo.
Indigenous, native Americans.
Part navajo, aztec, inca.
Really?
You don't show it at all.
A little bit.
Little bit.
No, not really, not at all.
This is my wall of presidents.
Barack, eisenhower, client.
But when he was younger and he could still function.
Learning a lot today.
A lot.
And of course George bush and my favorite icon of American culture,
the Pepperidge farm guy.
We partake in a lot of American past times.
Peter loves to barbecue.
He's really good at it.
Okay, let's go to the pleasure room.
You spit all over it.
Stop that already.
What is this?
My little sweet.
I've been looking so forward to this.
I told my second graders I was going on a field trip to little moscow.
That's what I call your lady bits.
Natasha fat now.
Natasha not pretty.
Natasha self-conscious.
You make it dark.
No, no, no, no.
Natasha is none of those things.
That's why I pay to see Natasha.
Because you're not fat or ugly.
This is what I want to enjoy.
You don't want to make it dark, you clothes your eyes.
I don't want to clothes my eyes.
You close your eyes now.
Yeah, yea, okay so my eyes are closed.
Lay down.
Uh... Lay down.
Okay, this is kind of fun.
Just right here.
All right.
Okay.
So this is new.
We've never done this part.
Natasha sterilize now.
Ow, ow, ow what is that?
What is that?
Is all purpose cleaner.
You dirty.
You smell like human.
I am human.
You have body odor.
I just took a shower before I came here.
I don't want that going in my urethra.
Fine.
We gonna make rodeo now.
Rodeo.
The way to the pleasure rooms.
Rooms?
Yes, we have two, a and b.
We also have a master bedroom where I see vip clients.
Here at main street House of Discrete Pleasure we believe in wholesome
American loving.
Let's take a peek.
Oh my God.
So, so sorry.
I'm never going to get that out of my head.
It was not meant as an affront to the American flag or the troops.
Or those devices in particular.
We're done.
It's just been a hectic day with all the preparations.
Hectic?
We're really much more organized.
It was just this one client.
I'm sorry Mitch is fired.
We're going to look in the fridge.
I am leaving.
I want my money.
If I wanted to fuck an obsessive germaphobe I would have stayed at home
with my wife.
He wouldn't douche.
No, I'm not going to douche and this is a ridiculous request.
I'm sorry.
Fuck you.
You know what, I'm sorry.
I am sorry, it's over.
We're not doing the piece.
What the problem because you don't want to do the piece because we're not
sterile American family.
Because we don't have that cutesy
little apron and stupid outfits all the time.
We are dirty.
We are part of the melting pot.
No, it's because you're a horrible entrepreneur.
Excuse me, we're here for the tupperware party.
Fuck tupperware.
I'm sorry, that was out of line.
Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
We are beginning the sexual relations.
We are having sex.
This is, oh I'm having a flashback.
Oh boy.
Yeah, and you're getting erection so maybe slow it down.
Okay.
That sounds like a farm animal.
You have to adapt.
Right.
I'm gonna fuck like a monk.
A lift.
Nice.
Okay.
And so you just go down here like this.
No, there is titia in your pepia.
This is the pepia.
That's the pee-pee.
This is the titia.
Oh, the titty.
Titty.
Like a tractor.
Like a.
You're face.
Wow.
So it's all in there.
Well there are still a few little.
Little scrap here.
Sorry.
There is one that was sticking out and it was just bugging me.
That's all right. It's all right, it's just testicle.