1 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:22,477 'This is the story 2 00:00:22,597 --> 00:00:25,102 'of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy... 3 00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:28,363 'perhaps the most remarkable, 4 00:00:28,483 --> 00:00:30,594 'certainly the most successful book 5 00:00:30,714 --> 00:00:34,941 'ever to come out of the great publishers of Ursa Minor. 6 00:00:35,517 --> 00:00:39,051 'More popular than The Celestial Home Care Omnibus, 7 00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:43,748 'better selling than Fifty-three More Things To Do In Zero Gravity, 8 00:00:43,971 --> 00:00:47,737 'and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy 9 00:00:47,857 --> 00:00:52,048 'of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, 10 00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:55,159 'Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes 11 00:00:55,908 --> 00:00:59,040 'and Who Is This God Person Anyway? 12 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,287 'And in many of the more relaxed civilisations 13 00:01:02,407 --> 00:01:04,848 'on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, 14 00:01:04,968 --> 00:01:07,526 'the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted 15 00:01:07,646 --> 00:01:10,182 'the great Encyclopaedia Galactica 16 00:01:10,302 --> 00:01:13,804 'as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, 17 00:01:14,439 --> 00:01:20,187 'for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, 18 00:01:20,307 --> 00:01:23,179 'it scores over the older, more pedestrian work 19 00:01:23,299 --> 00:01:25,398 'in two important respects. 20 00:01:25,856 --> 00:01:32,080 'First, it is slightly cheaper and, secondly, it has the words: 21 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,524 'inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. 22 00:01:37,591 --> 00:01:39,166 'To tell the story of the book, 23 00:01:39,286 --> 00:01:42,806 'it is best to tell the story of some of those whose lives it affected. 24 00:01:43,241 --> 00:01:45,636 'A human from the planet Earth was one of them, 25 00:01:46,329 --> 00:01:47,937 'though, as our story opens, 26 00:01:48,057 --> 00:01:49,910 'he no more knows his destiny 27 00:01:50,030 --> 00:01:53,431 'than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. 28 00:01:54,276 --> 00:01:58,691 'His name is Arthur Dent, he is a six-foot-tall ape descendant, 29 00:01:58,811 --> 00:02:03,030 'and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his home.' 30 00:02:55,706 --> 00:02:58,840 Come off it, Mr Dent - you can't win, you know. 31 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,562 You can't lie in front of the bulldozers indefinitely. 32 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,016 I'm game. We'll see who rusts first! 33 00:03:04,345 --> 00:03:09,520 You're going to have to accept it. This bypass has got to be built. 34 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,440 Why's it got to be built? 35 00:03:12,390 --> 00:03:14,022 What do you mean - why's it got to be built? 36 00:03:14,142 --> 00:03:17,560 It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses. 37 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,156 You were entitled to make suggestions or protests at the appropriate time. 38 00:03:21,276 --> 00:03:23,000 Appropriate time?! 39 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,160 The first I heard about it was when a workman arrived yesterday. 40 00:03:27,752 --> 00:03:29,560 I thought he'd come to clean the windows. 41 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,622 He said he'd come to demolish the house! 42 00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:34,400 He didn't tell me straightaway, of course. 43 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,950 He wiped a couple of windows and charged me £5! Then he told me! 44 00:03:38,983 --> 00:03:41,907 But, Mr Dent, the plans have been available 45 00:03:42,027 --> 00:03:44,426 in the planning office for the last nine months! 46 00:03:44,546 --> 00:03:48,680 Yes, of course. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to see them. 47 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,760 You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to draw attention to them! 48 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,240 But the plans were on display! 49 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,993 On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar! 50 00:04:00,113 --> 00:04:02,213 - That's the display department! - With a torch! 51 00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:04,640 - No lights. - No stairs! 52 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,128 - But you did see the notice? - Oh, yes. 53 00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:09,960 It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet, 54 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:15,160 in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door, "Beware of the leopard!" 55 00:04:16,015 --> 00:04:17,953 Ever thought of going into advertising? 56 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,274 And you don't get me like that either! 57 00:04:29,029 --> 00:04:30,960 Mr Dent... 58 00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:34,920 have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer 59 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,160 if I were to let it run over you? 60 00:04:38,383 --> 00:04:39,320 How much? 61 00:04:40,445 --> 00:04:41,302 None at all! 62 00:04:41,789 --> 00:04:44,960 'By a strange coincidence, "None at all" 63 00:04:45,312 --> 00:04:49,296 'is exactly how much suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had 64 00:04:49,416 --> 00:04:52,980 'that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, 65 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,399 'but was in fact from a small planet 66 00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:58,165 'somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. 67 00:05:01,086 --> 00:05:03,280 'Arthur Dent's failure to suspect this 68 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,800 'reflects the care with which his friend blended into human society, 69 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:12,581 'after a fairly shaky start, when he first arrived 15 years ago. 70 00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:15,556 'The minimal research he had done suggested to him 71 00:05:15,676 --> 00:05:19,794 'that the name Ford Prefect would be nicely inconspicuous. 72 00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:26,457 'He will enter our story in 30 seconds and say, 73 00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,005 "'Hello, Arthur." 74 00:05:29,578 --> 00:05:32,253 'The ape descendant will greet him in return 75 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,391 'but, in deference to a million years of human evolution, 76 00:05:35,511 --> 00:05:37,728 'won't attempt to pick fleas off him. 77 00:05:39,457 --> 00:05:41,991 'Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors 78 00:05:42,111 --> 00:05:44,572 'and never invite them to dinner.' 79 00:05:55,602 --> 00:05:56,413 Hello, Arthur. 80 00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:59,360 Ford, hi. How are you? 81 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:00,425 Fine. 82 00:06:02,768 --> 00:06:06,080 Look, are you busy? 83 00:06:06,809 --> 00:06:10,531 Busy?! Well, I've just got this bulldozer to lie in front of, 84 00:06:10,651 --> 00:06:14,132 or it'll knock my house down, but otherwise... no, not especially. Why? 85 00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:19,480 - Good. Anywhere we can talk? - What? 86 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,744 - We've got to talk. - Fine! Talk. 87 00:06:21,864 --> 00:06:25,360 And drink. It's vitally important that we talk and drink. Now! 88 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,345 - We'll go to the pub. - You don't understand. 89 00:06:28,465 --> 00:06:30,363 He wants to knock my house down. 90 00:06:30,483 --> 00:06:33,415 - He can do it whilst you're away. - I don't want him to! 91 00:06:36,359 --> 00:06:37,280 Ford? What's the matter? 92 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,569 Nothing... nothing's the matter. 93 00:06:40,874 --> 00:06:43,120 I've got to tell you the most important thing you've ever heard. 94 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,880 - I've got to tell you NOW in the pub. - Why? 95 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,688 - Because you'll need a stiff drink! - No! No! What about my house? 96 00:06:53,702 --> 00:06:55,720 - He wants to knock your house down? - Yes. 97 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,349 - But you're lying in the way? - Exactly! 98 00:07:00,091 --> 00:07:01,676 I think we can come to some arrangement. 99 00:07:05,097 --> 00:07:08,161 - Excuse me! - Hello? Yes? 100 00:07:08,466 --> 00:07:10,169 Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet? 101 00:07:10,289 --> 00:07:13,344 Can we, for the moment, assume he hasn't? 102 00:07:14,565 --> 00:07:15,800 Well? 103 00:07:16,726 --> 00:07:19,320 Can we also assume that he's going to be staying there all day? 104 00:07:20,401 --> 00:07:21,120 So? 105 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:26,013 So all your men are going to be standing around, doing nothing. 106 00:07:28,513 --> 00:07:29,972 Could be, could be... 107 00:07:30,092 --> 00:07:33,812 If you're resigned to that, you don't actually need him to lie there? 108 00:07:35,491 --> 00:07:38,289 Not as such. Not exactly "need"... 109 00:07:38,409 --> 00:07:43,440 So pretend he's there. Then we could go to the pub. How does that sound? 110 00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:47,320 Er... that sounds perfectly reasonable... I suppose. 111 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,371 And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, 112 00:07:50,891 --> 00:07:52,970 we'll always cover for you in return. 113 00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:57,818 Yes, thank you very much. That's very kind. 114 00:07:59,203 --> 00:08:01,720 So if you'd just like to lie down... 115 00:08:03,042 --> 00:08:03,560 What? 116 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,528 It's very simple. 117 00:08:04,648 --> 00:08:06,815 Mr Dent will stop lying in the mud 118 00:08:06,935 --> 00:08:10,560 - On condition that you take over. - What? 119 00:08:10,977 --> 00:08:11,576 Sorry? 120 00:08:12,654 --> 00:08:16,920 You want me... to come and lie down there? 121 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,602 - Yes. - In front of the bulldozer? 122 00:08:20,861 --> 00:08:23,820 - Yes. - Instead of Mr Dent? 123 00:08:25,931 --> 00:08:28,373 - Yes. - In the mud? 124 00:08:29,014 --> 00:08:32,196 In, as you say, the mud. 125 00:08:33,445 --> 00:08:38,328 In return for which, you will take Mr Dent down to the pub? 126 00:08:38,704 --> 00:08:39,502 Yes. 127 00:08:40,822 --> 00:08:41,621 Promise? 128 00:08:42,572 --> 00:08:43,382 Promise. 129 00:08:45,439 --> 00:08:50,335 - Get up and let the man lie down. - Thank you. 130 00:08:58,342 --> 00:09:02,295 And no sneaky knocking Mr Dent's house down while he's away. 131 00:09:02,863 --> 00:09:05,579 The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate 132 00:09:05,699 --> 00:09:08,127 about the merest possibility of crossing my mind. 133 00:09:11,166 --> 00:09:13,808 - But can we trust him? - To the end of the Earth. 134 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,736 - Yes, but how far's that? - About 12 minutes away. 135 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,121 Come on. We've got to get some alcohol. 136 00:09:19,699 --> 00:09:23,926 'Here's what the Encyclopaedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. 137 00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:28,099 'It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid 138 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,600 'formed by the fermentation of sugars, 139 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,101 'and also notes its intoxicating effect 140 00:09:33,221 --> 00:09:35,679 'on certain carbon-based lifeforms. 141 00:09:37,059 --> 00:09:40,887 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol. 142 00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:43,960 'It says the: 143 00:09:56,984 --> 00:09:57,970 '... the effect of which 144 00:09:58,090 --> 00:10:01,340 'is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon... 145 00:10:02,115 --> 00:10:04,604 'wrapped round a large gold brick. 146 00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:09,607 'The Guide also tells you 147 00:10:09,727 --> 00:10:13,800 'on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, 148 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,242 'how much you can expect to pay for one 149 00:10:16,362 --> 00:10:20,168 'and what voluntary organisations exist to help you rehabilitate. 150 00:10:21,122 --> 00:10:24,093 'The man who invented this mind-pummelling drink 151 00:10:24,213 --> 00:10:28,349 'also invented the wisest remark ever made, which was this: 152 00:10:38,010 --> 00:10:40,640 'His name is: 153 00:10:40,936 --> 00:10:43,578 'and we shall learn more of his wisdom later.' 154 00:10:56,092 --> 00:10:59,280 Six pints of bitter. And quickly, please. The world's about to end. 155 00:10:59,806 --> 00:11:01,760 Oh, yes, sir? Nice weather for it. 156 00:11:02,309 --> 00:11:05,291 - Going to the match today, sir? - No. No point. 157 00:11:05,411 --> 00:11:07,280 Foregone conclusion, then? 158 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,000 - Arsenal no chance? - No, the world's about to end. 159 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:14,712 Oh, yes, sir. So you said. Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did. 160 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,841 - No, not really. - There you are, sir. Six pints. 161 00:11:22,319 --> 00:11:23,040 Keep the change. 162 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,715 What? From a fiver? Thank you, sir! 163 00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,323 You've got ten minutes to spend it! 164 00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:35,910 What the hell's going on? I'm losing my grip on the day. 165 00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:39,514 - Drink up. Three pints to go! - Three pints? At lunchtime? 166 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,480 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 167 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:47,239 Send that in to the Reader's Digest. There's a page for people like you! 168 00:11:47,787 --> 00:11:50,200 - Drink up. - Why three pints? 169 00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:52,800 Muscle relaxant. You're going to need it. 170 00:11:53,825 --> 00:11:55,363 Did I do something wrong this morning 171 00:11:55,483 --> 00:11:56,948 or has the world always been like this, 172 00:11:57,068 --> 00:11:59,063 and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice? 173 00:12:02,725 --> 00:12:03,970 I'll try to explain. 174 00:12:08,693 --> 00:12:10,477 - How long have we known each other? - Er, five years, maybe six. 175 00:12:11,194 --> 00:12:14,385 Most of it made some kind of sense at the time. 176 00:12:14,505 --> 00:12:19,594 How would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all, 177 00:12:19,714 --> 00:12:22,989 but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse? 178 00:12:23,297 --> 00:12:26,640 Why-do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say? 179 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,026 Drink up. The world is about to end. 180 00:12:30,814 --> 00:12:34,043 This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. 181 00:12:37,942 --> 00:12:39,973 'On this particular Thursday, 182 00:12:40,595 --> 00:12:42,960 'things were moving through the ionosphere. 183 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,362 'Many miles above the surface of the planet, 184 00:12:46,208 --> 00:12:49,600 'several huge yellow slab-like somethings... 185 00:12:50,008 --> 00:12:52,802 'huge as office blocks, silent as birds, 186 00:12:53,084 --> 00:12:56,646 'they hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't. 187 00:13:00,726 --> 00:13:03,626 'The planet was almost totally oblivious of their presence. 188 00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:06,018 'They went unnoticed at Goonhilly, 189 00:13:06,138 --> 00:13:08,720 'they passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip, 190 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,360 'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them; 191 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:17,142 'a pity, because it was the sort of thing they'd looked for for ages. 192 00:13:18,762 --> 00:13:21,833 'Arthur Dent, too, had other things on his mind.' 193 00:13:23,296 --> 00:13:24,141 What's that? 194 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,428 - They haven't started yet. - Good. 195 00:13:26,548 --> 00:13:29,006 - Probably your house. - What? 196 00:13:29,126 --> 00:13:33,480 - Five minutes to go. - Damn you and your fairy stories! 197 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,654 Stop, you vandals! You home wreckers! 198 00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:39,611 - You half-crazed Visigoths, stop! - Arthur! Stop! It's pointless! 199 00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:43,968 Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts? 200 00:13:44,088 --> 00:13:45,622 I'm just serving this gentleman. 201 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,360 He's going to die shortly! Come on! 202 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,901 Just a minute, sir. 203 00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:53,411 Do you mind, sir? 204 00:13:56,424 --> 00:13:58,232 Pork scratchings... 205 00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,416 - Peanuts! How much? - What? 206 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,015 Have it. 207 00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,247 Have it. Keep it! 208 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,374 Is the world really going to end this afternoon? 209 00:14:13,494 --> 00:14:16,028 Yes, in just over 3 minutes and 5 seconds. 210 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,000 - But isn't there anything we can do? - No, nothing. 211 00:14:20,437 --> 00:14:24,320 I thought we were meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head. 212 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,600 Yes, if you like. 213 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:30,618 - Oh, will that help? - No. Excuse me. I've got to go. 214 00:14:32,793 --> 00:14:33,791 Oh, well, then... 215 00:14:35,963 --> 00:14:37,466 Last orders, please! 216 00:14:40,158 --> 00:14:43,094 You pin-striped barbarians! I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! 217 00:14:47,312 --> 00:14:50,040 I'll have you hung, drawn, quartered, 218 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,960 and whipped and boiled... until... 219 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,440 until you've had enough! 220 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,295 Arthur, don't... There's no point. There's only a minute or so left. 221 00:14:59,415 --> 00:15:00,434 And then I'll do it some more! 222 00:15:00,554 --> 00:15:05,732 I'll take all the little bits and jump on them till I get blisters, 223 00:15:05,852 --> 00:15:11,090 or I think of something worse... What the hell's that? 224 00:15:18,431 --> 00:15:20,545 Arthur, quick! Over here! 225 00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:23,680 What the hell is it? 226 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,680 It's a fleet of flying saucers - what do you think it is? 227 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:27,845 Hold this. 228 00:15:27,965 --> 00:15:31,600 - What do you mean, flying saucers? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 229 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,062 - What? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 230 00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:37,479 I picked up news of their arrival a few hours ago on my sub-etha radio. 231 00:15:37,599 --> 00:15:42,200 I can't cope with this. I'm going to have to have a lie-down. 232 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,161 No, stay here. Stay calm. 233 00:15:44,281 --> 00:15:46,063 Take hold of this... 234 00:16:32,634 --> 00:16:35,100 People of Earth, attention, please! 235 00:16:40,325 --> 00:16:42,298 People of Earth, attention, please! 236 00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:44,705 This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 237 00:16:44,825 --> 00:16:47,283 of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. 238 00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,460 As you are probably aware, 239 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:54,760 the plans for the outlying regions of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy 240 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,600 require a hyperspace express route to be built through your star system, 241 00:16:59,241 --> 00:17:02,440 and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. 242 00:17:02,803 --> 00:17:06,120 The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. 243 00:17:07,457 --> 00:17:08,666 Thank you very much. 244 00:17:13,207 --> 00:17:19,040 - Get out of it! - No! No! No! Go away! 245 00:17:21,484 --> 00:17:23,821 All the planning charts and demolition orders 246 00:17:23,941 --> 00:17:27,830 have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri 247 00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:29,800 for 50 Earth years, 248 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,803 and so you've had plenty of time to lodge any complaints... 249 00:17:32,923 --> 00:17:35,840 It's far too late to make a fuss now! 250 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,697 What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? 251 00:17:41,817 --> 00:17:46,040 Oh, for heaven's sake, mankind! It's only four light years away! 252 00:17:46,594 --> 00:17:49,894 Sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, 253 00:17:50,014 --> 00:17:53,909 that's your own lookout! Energise the demolition beam! 254 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,137 God, I don't know! Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all! 255 00:18:53,562 --> 00:18:55,560 - I bought some peanuts. - Uh...? 256 00:18:56,058 --> 00:18:58,347 We've just been through a matter-transference beam. 257 00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:01,040 You've lost some salt and protein. 258 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,123 The beer should have helped. 259 00:19:03,986 --> 00:19:06,640 - How do you feel? - Like a military academy. 260 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,571 Bits of me keep passing out! 261 00:19:14,057 --> 00:19:18,671 Ford, if I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it? 262 00:19:19,845 --> 00:19:20,880 We're safe. 263 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,170 Ah, good. 264 00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,470 We're in a cabin of one of the ships of the Vogon constructor fleet. 265 00:19:26,727 --> 00:19:30,038 Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" 266 00:19:30,158 --> 00:19:33,432 I wasn't previously aware of. What are you doing? 267 00:19:33,708 --> 00:19:34,840 Looking for the light. 268 00:19:35,419 --> 00:19:39,280 - How did we get here? - We hitched a lift. 269 00:19:39,744 --> 00:19:43,369 Excuse me! Are you telling me we just stuck our thumbs out 270 00:19:43,489 --> 00:19:46,163 and some green bug-eyed monster said, 271 00:19:46,283 --> 00:19:49,559 "Hop in! I can take you as far as Basingstoke roundabout"? 272 00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:52,120 Well, the thumb's a sub-etha device, 273 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,880 and the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, but that's more or less right. 274 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,920 - And the bug-eyed monster? - Is green! 275 00:19:58,868 --> 00:19:59,702 Fine. 276 00:20:00,646 --> 00:20:04,192 - When can I go home? - You can't. Ah! 277 00:20:07,018 --> 00:20:11,040 Good grief! Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? 278 00:20:11,398 --> 00:20:13,758 Yes. What do you think? 279 00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:16,060 It's a bit squalid, isn't it? 280 00:20:19,265 --> 00:20:24,667 - What the hell is it, Ford? - Come on! Let's get out of here! 281 00:20:24,787 --> 00:20:26,745 It's going to attack us. 282 00:20:26,865 --> 00:20:30,107 No, no, no, it just wants us to turn the lights out. 283 00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:36,352 Come on. 284 00:20:37,902 --> 00:20:41,200 Shh! Sleeping quarters. We woke them up. 285 00:20:43,005 --> 00:20:44,640 Ford, they were... 286 00:20:45,947 --> 00:20:46,920 What? 287 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,394 Aliens? 288 00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,120 Dentrassi. 289 00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:53,520 But, Ford... 290 00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:55,640 What's going on? 291 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,677 - Here, have a look at this. - What is it? 292 00:20:58,797 --> 00:21:01,728 The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, an electronic book. 293 00:21:01,848 --> 00:21:05,389 - It'll tell you everything. - I like the cover. "Don't panic"! 294 00:21:05,509 --> 00:21:11,054 - First helpful thing anyone's said! - That's why it sells so well. Shh! 295 00:21:11,174 --> 00:21:11,773 What? 296 00:21:18,114 --> 00:21:18,994 "Don't panic"! 297 00:21:19,863 --> 00:21:20,497 Look... 298 00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:25,751 Fast wind index... V. 299 00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:29,055 Vogon Constructor Fleets. Enter that code and see what it says. 300 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:30,630 I'll keep watch. 301 00:21:35,783 --> 00:21:38,084 Vogon Constructor Fleets: 302 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,972 What an extraordinary book! 303 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,513 - How did we get on board, then? - The Dentrassi let us on board. 304 00:22:36,633 --> 00:22:39,240 - You said Bogons. - Vogons. 305 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:40,927 - Not Dentrassi? - No. 306 00:22:41,161 --> 00:22:43,142 Dentrassi are the in-flight caterers. 307 00:22:46,916 --> 00:22:51,319 Hey, Hagra biscuit! The greatest! 308 00:22:51,577 --> 00:22:56,728 You'll love these guys! They cook the hoopiest frood food in the West Galaxy! 309 00:22:57,939 --> 00:22:59,840 Here, have a bite. 310 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,981 Go on, try it. Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life. 311 00:23:06,138 --> 00:23:08,428 It's revolting! 312 00:23:08,548 --> 00:23:11,633 Oh, come on! This stuff is the greatest. 313 00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,582 Mmm! 314 00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:23,933 I think those guys must really hate the Vogons. 315 00:23:24,944 --> 00:23:28,009 Now, remember this - Dentrassi hate Vogons. 316 00:23:28,232 --> 00:23:31,690 That's why they let us on board. Let's go! 317 00:23:34,574 --> 00:23:38,200 But if they let us on board, why doesn't the Guide mention them? 318 00:23:39,310 --> 00:23:40,440 Oh, it's not very accurate. 319 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:41,449 Oh? 320 00:23:42,795 --> 00:23:44,310 I'm researching the new edition. 321 00:23:49,844 --> 00:23:52,169 Ah, storeroom. 322 00:23:58,358 --> 00:23:59,638 Where are we going? 323 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,177 Who knows? Off this ship, that's for sure! 324 00:24:03,297 --> 00:24:06,911 We've only just arrived. Shouldn't we say hello and thank you and things? 325 00:24:09,496 --> 00:24:12,640 Listen, this is a Vogon spaceship. 326 00:24:12,946 --> 00:24:15,480 We just pick up what we need and get off it! Right? 327 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,064 Right. 328 00:24:21,238 --> 00:24:23,211 - Stun guns. - Any good? 329 00:24:23,774 --> 00:24:24,373 No. 330 00:24:28,791 --> 00:24:30,024 Ford, who are you? 331 00:24:30,144 --> 00:24:33,464 I told you - I'm a field researcher for the Guide. 332 00:24:34,615 --> 00:24:35,661 Telecom systems. 333 00:24:39,538 --> 00:24:41,441 I got stuck on Earth longer than I meant. 334 00:24:41,561 --> 00:24:43,695 Went for a week, got stuck for 15 years. 335 00:24:47,817 --> 00:24:49,520 Telepsychic helmets. 336 00:24:49,933 --> 00:24:50,614 Huh-huh! 337 00:24:52,618 --> 00:24:54,788 How did you get here in the first place? 338 00:24:54,908 --> 00:24:59,268 Easy. I got a lift with a teaser... Hypno rays? 339 00:25:00,311 --> 00:25:01,744 Teasers? 340 00:25:02,036 --> 00:25:03,950 Rich kids with nothing to do. 341 00:25:04,070 --> 00:25:04,996 They cruise around the Galaxy 342 00:25:05,116 --> 00:25:08,941 Iooking for planets that no one's made contact with yet and buzz them. 343 00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:12,284 - Buzz them? - Yeah. They find some isolated spot, 344 00:25:12,566 --> 00:25:15,608 land right by some unsuspecting soul that no one's ever going to believe, 345 00:25:15,728 --> 00:25:19,095 and strut up and down in front of them, making beep-beep noises. 346 00:25:20,966 --> 00:25:22,222 Rather childish, really. 347 00:25:24,653 --> 00:25:25,628 Ah! 348 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,110 A towel! Keep this. 349 00:25:30,230 --> 00:25:31,942 - Guard it with your life. - Huh? 350 00:25:32,062 --> 00:25:34,521 Listen, it's a tough universe. 351 00:25:34,756 --> 00:25:39,425 All sorts of people trying to kill you, rip you off, everything... 352 00:25:39,759 --> 00:25:41,379 If you're going to survive out there, 353 00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:45,137 you've really got to know where your towel is. 354 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,840 Now, fish. 355 00:25:51,484 --> 00:25:52,858 Huh? 356 00:25:53,809 --> 00:25:56,000 Fish. Over here, I think. 357 00:25:56,662 --> 00:25:57,718 Fish? 358 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:06,880 Fish. 359 00:26:07,241 --> 00:26:09,637 - Very nice. - Very, very useful. 360 00:26:15,380 --> 00:26:18,200 - What do I do with it? - Stick it in your ear. 361 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,986 It's only little! Listen... 362 00:26:23,106 --> 00:26:24,982 - What? - The Vogon captain. 363 00:26:25,102 --> 00:26:27,631 - But I can't speak Vogon. - Put this in your ear! 364 00:26:28,124 --> 00:26:31,670 ... should have a good time. Message repeat. 365 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,920 This is your captain speaking, so pay attention. 366 00:26:36,806 --> 00:26:38,706 First of all, I see from our instruments 367 00:26:38,826 --> 00:26:43,600 that we have a couple of hitchhiker's on board. Hello, wherever you are! 368 00:26:44,112 --> 00:26:48,040 I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome. 369 00:26:48,472 --> 00:26:50,526 I worked hard to get where I am today 370 00:26:50,646 --> 00:26:52,922 and I didn't become captain of a Vogon ship 371 00:26:53,042 --> 00:26:57,516 simply to turn it into a taxi service for a lot of degenerate freeloaders. 372 00:26:58,068 --> 00:26:59,653 I have sent out a search party 373 00:26:59,773 --> 00:27:02,127 and, as soon as they find you, I shall turn you off the ship. 374 00:27:02,925 --> 00:27:06,683 If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. 375 00:27:07,634 --> 00:27:10,556 Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace 376 00:27:10,676 --> 00:27:12,525 for the journey to Barnard's Star. 377 00:27:12,775 --> 00:27:17,720 We will stay in dock for 72 hours and all planet leave is cancelled. 378 00:27:18,285 --> 00:27:19,858 I've just had an unhappy love affair, 379 00:27:19,978 --> 00:27:22,347 so I don't see why anybody else should have a good time. 380 00:27:23,005 --> 00:27:25,482 - Message ends. - Poetry? 381 00:27:26,468 --> 00:27:27,666 What are you doing? 382 00:27:27,786 --> 00:27:32,880 Preparing for hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk. 383 00:27:33,256 --> 00:27:37,360 - What's so wrong about being drunk? - Ask a glass of water. Lie down. 384 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,739 - Grip the towel between your ankles. - What? 385 00:27:41,859 --> 00:27:42,819 Just do it! 386 00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:46,986 Like this? 387 00:27:47,106 --> 00:27:47,925 Right. 388 00:27:50,598 --> 00:27:52,876 Now wait... 389 00:27:57,178 --> 00:28:00,680 What exactly am I doing with this fish in my ear? 390 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,488 It's translating for you. Look in the book under Babel Fish. 391 00:28:10,202 --> 00:28:11,600 What's happening? 392 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:15,360 We're going into hyperspace. 393 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:19,840 I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonic again! 394 00:30:14,924 --> 00:30:17,167 Hey, this towel's moved! 395 00:30:18,179 --> 00:30:23,288 Yes. That's a six-light-year jump. Good. 396 00:30:23,408 --> 00:30:25,427 We must be near Barnard's Star. 397 00:30:25,547 --> 00:30:27,915 - We can jump a ship there. - Can we? 398 00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:32,080 Ford, I hate to ask this, but what am I doing here? 399 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,936 Simple. I rescued you from the Earth. 400 00:30:35,370 --> 00:30:37,550 - What happened to the Earth? - It's been disintegrated. 401 00:30:38,243 --> 00:30:41,872 - Has it? - Yes. Just boiled away into space. 402 00:30:43,426 --> 00:30:46,702 Listen, I'm a bit upset about that... 403 00:30:49,856 --> 00:30:50,783 Oh, well... 404 00:30:51,879 --> 00:30:54,240 All gone? Nothing left? 405 00:30:55,546 --> 00:30:57,880 What about the book? Maybe the book's got something! 406 00:31:00,637 --> 00:31:02,152 It doesn't seem to have an entry. 407 00:31:02,272 --> 00:31:04,794 Yes, it does-at the bottom. 408 00:31:04,914 --> 00:31:08,539 Under Eccentrica Gullumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6. 409 00:31:08,876 --> 00:31:11,271 Oh, yes. What does it say? 410 00:31:11,893 --> 00:31:17,247 - Harmless. One word? Harmless? - Well, it's the old edition. 411 00:31:18,401 --> 00:31:20,960 There are 100 billion stars in the Galaxy. 412 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:25,970 - No one knew much about Earth then! - I hope you managed to rectify that! 413 00:31:26,090 --> 00:31:32,040 - I sent a new entry to the editor. - What does it say now? 414 00:31:32,469 --> 00:31:34,688 - Mostly harmless. - Mostly harmless? 415 00:31:34,808 --> 00:31:38,371 I think that's pretty good coverage for a disintegrated pile of rubble! 416 00:31:38,491 --> 00:31:40,650 That's meant to make me feel better? 417 00:31:43,161 --> 00:31:45,263 Come on! Let's get to the teleport. 418 00:31:53,375 --> 00:31:54,880 What's the hell's that? 419 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,219 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 420 00:31:58,339 --> 00:31:59,907 And if we're unlucky? 421 00:32:00,027 --> 00:32:03,593 The Vogon captain might want to read us some of his poetry first.