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Previously on
The Hard Times of RJ Berger...
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Happy birthday!
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I have a really special
gift for you tonight.
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It comes in a box.
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Come to the Max bash tonight.
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You want to bone down?
Then man up.
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Thank you.
Thank you.
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I've had enough of this!
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What did you call me?
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Here's to you, RJ Berger.
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You manned up.
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We're totally doing that again.
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Last night I had sex
with the most amazing girl.
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A girl who wasn't in a coma
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and who didn't die afterwards,
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which, for me, is a first.
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Even the fact that my mom
is boning my guidance counselor
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at this very moment
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can't take this smile off my face.
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You hate this, Berger. Stop smiling.
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Even Max can't stop this smile.
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Miles can't either.
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Hey.
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Yo!
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Dude, snap out of it.
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I got problems I need you
to listen to me bitch about.
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Sorry, miles.
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I've just been thinking about dropping...
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The word on Amy.
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The... oh! "Anal"?
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No! The word.
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No.
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I like my word better.
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My name is RJ Berger,
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and I think I'm in love.
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Hey, RJ.
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Oh, no.
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Dad, are they kicking you out?
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Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm kicking myself out.
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There's big plans afoot for your dad.
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Big plans.
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I'm moving back in with mommy.
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What? Dad!
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Oh, my God, dad. That's terrific.
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Mom didn't mention anything to me.
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Oh, 'cause she doesn't
know about it. Yet.
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When I saw her at your party last night,
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everything... everything just
came back into focus for me.
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That's the power, RJ.
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The power of love.
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Hey, dad?
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What would you say if I was to tell a girl
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that I love her?
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Son...
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If I were the old,
smelly, world-hating me,
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I would say, "don't do it.
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Love is a lie, and
women are spider whores."
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But the new me?
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The new me says, "shout
it from the mountain tops!"
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Oh, my boy.
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'Cause it feels
so good, so good
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that you're by my side
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oh it feels so good, so good
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that I can't sleep at night
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It's 11:19.
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Do you know what that means?
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No. What's... What's that mean?
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It means we have exactly 11
minutes till our next class.
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Just enough time to sneak
away to someplace private.
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That's amazing,
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because I have a big present for you.
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It's a snickerdoodle cookie.
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Know how much you like them.
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Oh, that's so sweet of you to remember.
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I love...
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I love you too.
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Oh. Yeah, well...
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Um, no, I was actually going to say
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that I love... snickerdoodles.
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Yeah, I knew that. I was joking.
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Yeah, well, um...
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I forgot I have to study, so...
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Wait, Amy, 'cause I just...
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I didn't mean it to come out...
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And then it just slipped out.
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RJ, the goal is to
be slipping things in.
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Well, I said it, and she freaked out,
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so now what am I supposed to do?
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Act like a German in 1948
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and pretend it never happened.
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Fight the future!
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Vote the non-douchebag party.
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The non
douchebag party?
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Doesn't Max usually run
opposed for this type of thing?
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Well...
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Typically.
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What?
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Well, I... Max and Jenny
usually run unopposed,
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but now the "douche-verse" split in two.
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What the hell?
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Why is my name on this with Jenny?
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'Cause you got nominated.
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By who?
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- The...
- Uh...
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- Student body.
- Student body.
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Jenny and I broke up.
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We're not a couple anymore.
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Oh, my God. Amy's going to kill me
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when she hears about this.
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RJ, no matter what happens with Amy,
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it won't be as bad as the next two years
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if Max and Robin win this.
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The day after Max and Robin
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won Mr. and Ms. Pinkerton,
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the douchebags became self-aware.
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School became a nightmare for anyone
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who didn't have flawless
skin and perfect teeth.
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The outcasts were hunted from above,
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rounded up and terminated,
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while Max and Robin
were worshipped as gods.
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Long live the jocks!
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Long live the jocks!
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And the one boy
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who could've stopped them
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could only watch as Pinkerton high
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became a hellish
a-jock-alypse.
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RJ! Why didn't you listen?
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Amy!
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Okay, I think you're
slightly exaggerating.
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Junior year is not going to
look like Terminator salvation.
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It will if we don't
do something about it.
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Pinkerton needs you, RJ.
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Now more than ever.
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Come with me, RJ.
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Behold the enemy.
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Yo, yo, free sneakers.
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Vote Max and Robin.
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Vote for Robin and Max.
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There you go.
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Yeah.
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There you go.
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No. No. Absolutely not.
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There's no way...
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I've already messed
up with Amy once today.
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There's no way I'm...
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Dude, you're missing the point.
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You've been Max Owens' bitch for 16 years.
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Don't you want to get even?
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Yeah, I do, but not enough to
jeopardize what I have with Amy.
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No, miles. For real.
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Did you see dancing
with the stars last night?
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It was really good.
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Ooh, RJ, you're home.
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I have some exciting news.
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Oh, my God. Is dad moving in?
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Ta dah!
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Holy jeribus!
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That's my boy. You hear that, Suzy?
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- He's already calling me daddy.
- What?
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Uh, RJ, Jeriba and I have been talking,
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and we decided it's time
to take the next step.
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But you guys have only
been dating a few weeks.
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I know. I know it seems rushed,
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- but Jeriba got evicted.
- Yeah.
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And we've been spending
so much time together.
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Moving on up, Berger.
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To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
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This ain't the makings of a sit-com,
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I don't know what is.
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Right?
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This is serious, miles.
He's moving in with me.
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What's the big deal?
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So what? Coach's going to be dropping deuces
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and getting his mail at
the same address as you.
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How bad can it be?
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Son! Son!
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Hey, son.
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Forgot your lunch.
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Hair muss coming.
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Ah, damn that's nice.
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Okay, that was pretty bad.
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- Now can we get serious?
- Fine.
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I'll come up with something
brilliant and diabolical.
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That sounds promising.
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I'm going to go find Amy
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and try to explain this
whole Mr. Pinkerton thing.
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Okay.
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RJ...Want to explain?
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So you and the beauty queen
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are running for boyfriend
and girlfriend of the year.
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Okay, look, I was
meaning to talk to you...
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Oh, right, right.
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I guess you were just too
busy dropping the l-bomb on me?
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What?
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Listen, RJ, I need to know something.
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Um, did you just say "I love you"
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to me yesterday so I wouldn't be mad
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about the whole Mr. and Ms. thing?
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No.
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Amy, what you and I shared the other night
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was... amazing,
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and... and...
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It... it's much more than
any popularity contest.
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If you want me to drop
out, I will. This...
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RJ, you're a big boy, okay?
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I'm not going to tell you what to do.
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Don't expect me to like watching
you and Jenny parade around.
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OK, it's not like that.
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I want to believe you, RJ.
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I really do.
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But it just feels like that.
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I think I just need...
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A little time.
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Amy.
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This is your brilliant, diabolical plan?
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Break into coach's office?
219
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Come on.
220
00:09:43,298 --> 00:09:44,364
Are you kidding me?
221
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Look at this place.
222
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It's like a storage room
223
00:09:48,169 --> 00:09:49,837
filled with illegal
and incriminating stuff.
224
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Here.
225
00:09:51,739 --> 00:09:53,240
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
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if we found, like, prescription pills.
227
00:09:55,343 --> 00:09:57,978
Gambling receipts.
228
00:09:58,046 --> 00:10:00,080
Maybe even some porn.
229
00:10:00,148 --> 00:10:03,250
Oh! Bingo.
230
00:10:03,318 --> 00:10:05,752
Gentlemen, start your boners.
231
00:10:05,820 --> 00:10:07,187
That's not what we're looking for.
232
00:10:07,255 --> 00:10:08,255
It's what I'm looking for.
233
00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:09,790
Come on... come on!
234
00:10:09,858 --> 00:10:12,793
Whoa! Hold on!
235
00:10:12,861 --> 00:10:15,529
Look! There's, like,
dozens of naked pictures
236
00:10:15,597 --> 00:10:16,730
of the same chick here.
237
00:10:16,798 --> 00:10:18,232
Can't see her face.
238
00:10:18,299 --> 00:10:19,666
Face, "shmace."
239
00:10:19,734 --> 00:10:21,268
Nice dark hair, though.
240
00:10:21,336 --> 00:10:22,836
That a reptile? What is that?
241
00:10:24,939 --> 00:10:26,940
Last time I saw something that nasty,
242
00:10:27,008 --> 00:10:28,342
Boba Fett was falling into it.
243
00:10:33,014 --> 00:10:35,082
Dude, look at the date stamp.
244
00:10:35,150 --> 00:10:37,951
Says this was taken last week.
245
00:10:38,019 --> 00:10:39,920
Miles, this is it!
246
00:10:39,988 --> 00:10:42,089
Coach is cheating on my
mom with another woman
247
00:10:42,157 --> 00:10:43,223
and we have proof!
248
00:10:43,291 --> 00:10:45,692
Yep, we show your mom these pictures,
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00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,395
coach is out of your
house and your mom forever.
250
00:10:48,463 --> 00:10:50,764
Come on. We got to go.
251
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Oh, hi, boys.
252
00:11:01,009 --> 00:11:02,943
I was just making some
pierogi. You hungry?
253
00:11:03,011 --> 00:11:04,444
Surprisingly, no.
254
00:11:04,512 --> 00:11:06,680
And in a minute, you won't be either.
255
00:11:06,748 --> 00:11:09,616
Mom, we have something to show you.
256
00:11:14,455 --> 00:11:16,423
Boys, where did you find these?
257
00:11:16,491 --> 00:11:17,791
They're coach's.
258
00:11:17,859 --> 00:11:19,760
We found them in his office.
259
00:11:19,827 --> 00:11:22,996
He took pictures with
another woman. Last week.
260
00:11:23,064 --> 00:11:25,632
Yep, another woman
and a bearded dragon.
261
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:26,633
Boys...
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00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:28,368
Mom, I'm so sorry.
263
00:11:28,436 --> 00:11:30,270
I just... you know, we
thought you should know.
264
00:11:30,338 --> 00:11:32,773
I'm so sorry you had to see these.
265
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,042
When Jeriba and I took these shots,
266
00:11:35,109 --> 00:11:36,376
they were meant to be a private thing
267
00:11:36,444 --> 00:11:38,545
between two consenting adults.
268
00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:39,546
And a reptile.
269
00:11:39,614 --> 00:11:42,416
Wait...What?
270
00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:45,219
I never ever meant
for you to see them, RJ.
271
00:11:45,286 --> 00:11:47,387
I know this must be really
traumatizing for you.
272
00:11:47,455 --> 00:11:48,689
This is you?
273
00:11:54,762 --> 00:11:56,763
Shh. It's okay.
274
00:11:56,831 --> 00:12:01,602
Let it out. Let it out.
275
00:12:08,309 --> 00:12:11,511
RJ, you all right?
276
00:12:11,579 --> 00:12:15,182
It's been a tough week.
277
00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,751
You want to talk about it?
278
00:12:17,819 --> 00:12:20,120
I think this particular
nightmare started
279
00:12:20,188 --> 00:12:23,090
when I accidentally
told Amy that I love her.
280
00:12:23,157 --> 00:12:26,460
Oh, RJ.
281
00:12:26,527 --> 00:12:29,997
Oh, that's wonderful.
That's not a problem.
282
00:12:30,064 --> 00:12:33,567
No, actually it is, mom. It's horrible.
283
00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:35,035
She looked at me like...
284
00:12:35,103 --> 00:12:38,438
Like I showed her a
picture of my mom's vagina.
285
00:12:38,506 --> 00:12:42,309
All right, can we just
forget about that? Okay?
286
00:12:42,377 --> 00:12:45,312
All right, RJ, your first love,
287
00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:47,147
it's a beautiful thing.
288
00:12:47,215 --> 00:12:48,682
Something to cherish.
289
00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:51,251
It was humiliating.
290
00:12:51,319 --> 00:12:52,886
No.
291
00:12:52,954 --> 00:12:54,521
You should never be embarrassed by love.
292
00:12:54,589 --> 00:12:56,156
I don't care what anyone says.
293
00:12:56,224 --> 00:13:01,128
Because if you hide your
feelings, you hide yourself.
294
00:13:01,195 --> 00:13:03,764
This would be a much better
conversation if I hadn't...
295
00:13:03,831 --> 00:13:05,198
You hadn't seen my hoo
ha today.
296
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,868
I know that, sweetie. I know.
297
00:13:07,935 --> 00:13:10,103
Sorry.
298
00:13:12,907 --> 00:13:14,074
My sweet boy.
299
00:13:20,748 --> 00:13:23,317
Hamilton, do you want to come
to my house after school today?
300
00:13:23,384 --> 00:13:26,653
My mom's at adult gymnastics until 4:00.
301
00:13:26,721 --> 00:13:29,089
And I have my own floor
routine I want to show you.
302
00:13:29,157 --> 00:13:30,757
Yo, I love you, baby.
303
00:13:30,825 --> 00:13:31,792
Oh, I love you more.
304
00:13:31,859 --> 00:13:32,993
I love you most.
305
00:13:34,062 --> 00:13:37,664
Oh, come on.
306
00:13:37,732 --> 00:13:40,500
Could you guys please cut that out?
307
00:13:40,568 --> 00:13:41,768
Thanks.
308
00:13:41,836 --> 00:13:43,870
Whoa. RJ, are you okay?
309
00:13:43,938 --> 00:13:45,906
No. No, I'm not okay.
310
00:13:45,973 --> 00:13:48,975
I got nominated for this
stupid Mr. Pinkerton thing,
311
00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:51,378
and then the girl I love hates me,
312
00:13:51,446 --> 00:13:53,814
and... and on top of
that, I saw my mom's...
313
00:13:56,084 --> 00:13:59,019
Never mind.
314
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:00,787
RJ...
315
00:14:00,855 --> 00:14:04,024
There's something you should know.
316
00:14:04,092 --> 00:14:05,992
What?
317
00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:09,930
The student body didn't
put your name on the ballot.
318
00:14:09,997 --> 00:14:12,132
We did.
319
00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:18,650
- You what?
- Oh.
320
00:14:18,717 --> 00:14:20,251
It was all of us, RJ.
321
00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:22,587
We all collected names to
put your name on the ballot.
322
00:14:22,655 --> 00:14:23,922
I forged mine.
323
00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:25,657
How could you do this
without asking me first?
324
00:14:25,724 --> 00:14:26,825
'Cause if we asked, you'd say no.
325
00:14:26,892 --> 00:14:27,992
And what about Amy?
326
00:14:28,060 --> 00:14:29,828
She's this close to dumping me now.
327
00:14:29,895 --> 00:14:32,464
Well, we would have nominated
her, but she's a junior.
328
00:14:32,531 --> 00:14:34,032
Besides, Jenny was
born to be miss Pinkerton.
329
00:14:34,099 --> 00:14:36,167
Yeah.
330
00:14:36,235 --> 00:14:37,669
Come on, dude.
331
00:14:37,736 --> 00:14:39,771
All we ever wanted was
to be popular and important.
332
00:14:39,839 --> 00:14:41,172
Is that so much?
333
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,141
You're the only one who
can make that happen.
334
00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:44,476
Hey, yo, he's right, dog.
335
00:14:44,543 --> 00:14:46,578
All right? You just
throw a kick-ass party.
336
00:14:46,645 --> 00:14:48,313
And now that Jenny's
running on your ticket,
337
00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:49,747
we've got a real shot.
338
00:14:49,815 --> 00:14:52,250
Listen, if there was ever
a time to challenge Max,
339
00:14:52,318 --> 00:14:54,686
this is it, homie.
340
00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:56,554
RJ, if we do this together,
341
00:14:56,622 --> 00:14:59,324
we can take Max and Robin
down once and for all.
342
00:14:59,391 --> 00:15:01,659
The line must be drawn here!
343
00:15:01,727 --> 00:15:05,497
This far. No further.
344
00:15:05,564 --> 00:15:11,336
Look, everything you're
saying makes sense, but...
345
00:15:11,403 --> 00:15:14,906
I got to talk to Amy first.
346
00:15:14,974 --> 00:15:16,241
Can I have the rest of your sandwich?
347
00:15:16,308 --> 00:15:19,611
Yes.
348
00:15:19,678 --> 00:15:20,645
Amy.
349
00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:22,046
Hey, hey, hey, look.
350
00:15:22,114 --> 00:15:24,549
I know you're angry at
me, but you have to listen.
351
00:15:24,617 --> 00:15:26,184
It was my friends. The whole time.
352
00:15:26,252 --> 00:15:27,752
They planned the whole thing.
353
00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:28,987
They were trying to help me out.
354
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:31,523
I had no idea. I swear.
355
00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:33,057
So your friends hate me,
356
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:36,127
and it was their idea
to break us up. Great.
357
00:15:36,195 --> 00:15:37,862
No, no, no, that's...
That's not it at all.
358
00:15:37,930 --> 00:15:39,664
They were trying to help.
359
00:15:39,732 --> 00:15:41,199
They... I mean, come on.
360
00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:43,601
Weren't you the one who told
me to man up and take Max on?
361
00:15:43,669 --> 00:15:45,837
Manning up doesn't
always apply to Max, RJ.
362
00:15:45,905 --> 00:15:47,171
And it definitely doesn't mean
363
00:15:47,239 --> 00:15:49,140
do whatever your friends tell you to.
364
00:15:49,208 --> 00:15:50,775
I mean, one minute you tell me you love me
365
00:15:50,843 --> 00:15:52,043
and the next you're running
366
00:15:52,111 --> 00:15:53,545
in some stupid competition with your ex?
367
00:15:53,612 --> 00:15:55,813
Hit the brakes on the soap opera, RJ.
368
00:15:55,881 --> 00:15:59,317
I want to get off.
369
00:15:59,385 --> 00:16:03,755
Amy. Wait.
370
00:16:03,822 --> 00:16:05,323
RJ freaking Berger.
371
00:16:05,391 --> 00:16:07,492
And Jenny fraggin' Swanson.
372
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:08,760
This is what happens
373
00:16:08,827 --> 00:16:11,029
when you let the morons
at the school vote.
374
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,498
God, if we lose, Max, we're ruined.
375
00:16:13,566 --> 00:16:17,669
Do you get that? Ruined.
376
00:16:17,736 --> 00:16:21,039
Hello? I'm talking!
377
00:16:21,073 --> 00:16:23,675
Why I even bother?
378
00:16:34,887 --> 00:16:36,220
I can't believe you did this to me.
379
00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:38,723
I know. I'm so sorry, RJ.
380
00:16:38,791 --> 00:16:41,759
Really, I...
381
00:16:41,827 --> 00:16:44,896
That makes two of us.
382
00:16:44,964 --> 00:16:46,364
Look, you're going to get her back, okay?
383
00:16:46,432 --> 00:16:48,099
Yeah? How am I going to do that?
384
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,734
Tell her that you love her.
385
00:16:49,802 --> 00:16:52,103
I tried that already
with disastrous results.
386
00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:53,204
Thanks.
387
00:16:53,272 --> 00:16:58,710
No, RJ, I mean really tell her.
388
00:16:58,777 --> 00:17:02,714
Look, I know that we messed up
389
00:17:02,781 --> 00:17:04,983
by nominating you for Mr. Pinkerton, okay?
390
00:17:05,050 --> 00:17:06,451
I'm sorry.
391
00:17:06,518 --> 00:17:10,455
But you're going to have to
talk to the entire school
392
00:17:10,522 --> 00:17:13,658
at this awards assembly.
393
00:17:13,726 --> 00:17:17,495
Including Amy.
394
00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:21,766
A guy like you can do big
things with a stage like that.
395
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,167
If I didn't know any better,
396
00:17:23,235 --> 00:17:26,037
I'd think you were
manipulating me, Jenny Swanson.
397
00:17:27,873 --> 00:17:30,074
I'm smarter than I look, RJ Berger.
398
00:17:41,943 --> 00:17:43,544
Yep.
399
00:17:48,283 --> 00:17:51,085
You wanted to see me?
400
00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:52,786
Have a seat, son.
401
00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:54,888
I'm not your son.
402
00:17:54,956 --> 00:17:58,892
Well, I been meaning
to talk to you about that.
403
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,362
You see, as your guidance counselor,
404
00:18:01,429 --> 00:18:03,731
I don't want to make
things harder for you.
405
00:18:03,798 --> 00:18:06,800
But as a man,
406
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,303
well, I just can't quit your mama.
407
00:18:09,371 --> 00:18:11,572
But that isn't got to be bad.
408
00:18:11,639 --> 00:18:12,973
The way I see it,
409
00:18:13,041 --> 00:18:14,608
we both done been up in
your mama's honey pot.
410
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,210
You came out, I went in.
411
00:18:16,277 --> 00:18:18,979
It's the circle of life, Berger.
412
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:20,948
Hakuna matata.
413
00:18:24,152 --> 00:18:27,287
Son, the point is,
414
00:18:27,355 --> 00:18:29,390
I've decided to stop dating your mother.
415
00:18:29,457 --> 00:18:32,960
Oh, thank God.
416
00:18:33,027 --> 00:18:36,130
And I'm going to ask her...
417
00:18:36,197 --> 00:18:38,565
To become Mrs. coach Jeriba Sinclair.
418
00:18:42,437 --> 00:18:44,471
Can I call you "son" for real?
419
00:18:49,644 --> 00:18:51,845
Yeah, think on it.
420
00:20:13,495 --> 00:20:15,296
My name is RJ Berger,
421
00:20:15,363 --> 00:20:18,465
and what the...?