Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry to hear that.
I-I'll be over as soon as I can.
Who was that?
Aw, it's Rebecca. She's all upset.
Your father-in-law invited her over to his place
to, uh, listen to a musicale tonight.
She thought she was supposed to be his date...
got all dressed up in a fancy dress.
Turns out she's only there to tend bar.
How could she make that mistake?
Oh, come on, Woody.
Put yourself in her position.
You know, attractive guy asks you over to his place
to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress...
you'd go, wouldn't you?
Oh, no! No.
My high school drama teacher tried that one on me.
Once bitten, twice shy, my friend.
Maybe I'm misreading this.
Maybe this really is a date.
No, it isn't!
Two red wines.
And do try to pour them evenly this time.
(imitating): Do try to pour them evenly.
(dogs snarling and barking)
Oh sweetheart, sweetheart.
Oh, I came as soon as you called, honey.
(sobbing) Oh, baby.
I don't blame you for being disappointed.
I'm not disappointed!
Well... I'm humiliated.
I thought- this is what really hurts me...
I thought he really liked me.
Oh, Sam, you need to... you need to...
you need to stand in for me tonight please.
I'm too embarrassed.
I can't go out there again.
I know. I know.
All right, I tell you what,
uh, let me just... collect some empties.
Here we go.
I'll take over as soon as I get back.
All right? Thank you.
You're kidding, Sam.
Miss Howe thought this was to be a date?
Yes, sir.
And, uh, to tell you the truth, sir,
I heard what you said and I... and I thought the same thing.
You did? My Lord.
Although- and I don't mean this in any way personally
you'll have to admit you are
far from the brightest person in the world.
True. That's-that's-that's very true, sir.
Um, you know, Rebecca's been looking forward
to this evening the whole week.
And, between you and me, sir, she finds you very attractive
and I think she thought the feeling was mutual.
Miss Howe is attracted to me?
I had no idea.
You see, son, I am not exactly what you'd call a ladies' man.
Well, if you don't mind, sir, uh...
have you ever considered that it might be your hair?
Sam, why don't you go in the bar and relieve Rebecca.
Send her out here, and I'll, uh,
try to make it up to her by having her as my guest.
Oh, thank you, sir.
That's... I think that's the right thing to do.
We'll talk later... Yes.
Okay. Everybody stand up straight.
Wh-what are you doing?
Well, I'm taking some of the wine out of these bottles
so that when I pour them in the glasses they'll be even.
How much have you had to drink?
In my life or tonight?
Tonight.
Well, that's hard to say,
because I've been drinking.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy what?
Mister Gaines just realized his mistake and he wants,
he wants you to be his date for the rest of the evening.
He does?
Oh, he loves me again!
Oh, my ship has come in.
Not yet. Not yet it hasn't.
We-we're gonna have to sober you up, sweetheart.
Okay, then give me a Tic Tac.
No, no, we're, uh, we're way beyond Tic Tacs.
Oh, we are? Yeah.
Okay. Oh, God! Oh, no. Oh, you know what?
You're gonna have to help me here
because I can't let Mister Gaines see me like this
because he's gonna think I'm drunk.
Yeah. Uh... Now you have been drunk before.
So what did you used to do when you used to try and get sober?
Well, I had, uh... yeah, actually I did.
I had this little trick and it- it kind of hurts, but it works.
Okay. What is it?
Honey, uh, I te...
I've got to get some coffee in you.
I'll be right there.
Well, Norm?
Well, nothing.
I just keep getting Cliff's answering machine.
No word of his ma
or any forwarding address or anything.
Well, that's weird.
You know what's weirder is-is the outgoing message.
You know for years how it was Cliff and his ma
singing "Come On'a My House?"
Well, now it's just Cliff.
And I gotta tell you, I miss that harmony.
Come on, you guys...
you can't really believe that Cliff killed his mother.
Hey, everybody.
What's in the, uh, sacks, Cliff?
Oh, just some old things of Ma's, getting rid of them.
I just can't stand to have them around the house anymore.
Cliff, uh, you've been acting, oh, a little strange lately.
Is there- is there anything on your mind
that you'd like to, uh, just...
Say is that- is that dirt underneath your nails?
Yeah. I've been spending a lot of time in the garden lately.
Can't get my hands clean.
I-I wash them and wash them.
Yes, but, uh, Cliff, is-is there a-anything
on-on your mind y-you'd like to talk to me about?
I don't want to talk, Doc.
Uh, I want to watch television.
See if there's anything on the news.
Dare you to look inside.
Dare you.
Somebody's got to look.
Not me.
I've seen enough body parts to choke a horse.
Literally, in one case.
(piano playing classical music)
Ah, Miss Howe.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
No misunderstanding taken.
Uh, everyone, may I have your attention please? (music stops)
I'd like to introduce my date for this evening,
Miss Rebecca Howe.
Hello.
Good evening.
Thank you for dropping by.
GAINES: You're looking very lovely
this evening, Rebecca.
And so are you, Mister.
Well,
shall we begin our Kindergarten Teeter Tooter?
Delightful.
(piano playing classical music)
(baritone begins singing)
(humming along off-key)
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
(mouths): I'm sorry.
(singing along in foreign language)
(music stops)
Look, look, I'm sorry.
I cannot concentrate!
I can't either!
Now, listen, let me just tell you people one thing.
Raymond Burr came a long way to entertain us.
And I think
out of courtesy to him, we should keep our mouths shut!
Miss Howe, you are obviously inebriated.
Now, you're embarrassing yourself,
you're embarrassing me.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
(whispers): Oh, no, no, no.
Please, don't do that.
This means so much to me.
Please, I don't know, I've heard this a million times,
and I don't know, it's just so catchy.
I never noticed before.
Please, please, just-just let me stay.
I-I promise, if you let me stay, I won't sing one more note.
Very well.
(piano playing classical music)
(man singing opera in foreign language)
(man hits high note)
(sings off-key high note)
I'll tell you Carla, Rebecca's doing great.
Yeah, I was a little worried, too.
But you know, she's fitting right in.
You know, I-I would not be surprised
if you heard wedding bells.
Do me a favour, will you?
Uh, you got to cover me for a while at the bar, you know.
No, no-no, there's-there's no way you could,
you could drag Rebecca out of here.
(clattering)
Oh, hey, fellas.
Hold on a second.
How you doing?
(dogs barking outside)
The-the whole point is that...
See, uh, the whole...
Hold-hold on. I...
The dogs are making a racket here.
You know, boy, they're really chasing someone out there.
You know, from here, from here, it almost looks like...
Oh.
Oh, my God.
REPORTER: ...witness news, including the latest sports and weather right after this.
Cliff, listen, just one more time.
Are you sure there's not something
you'd like to get off your chest?
Oh, all right, Doc. I might as well tell you.
Yeah.
I sent Ma off to a retirement community.
A retirement community.
CLIFF: Yeah, yeah.
One hell of a son, huh?
Boy, I don't know why I did it.
You know...
I think I'm gonna go down there today and bring her back home.
I mean, that's if she'll have me.
Good for you, Cliff.
Retirement home- I, I knew it.
And you guys thought he killed his mother!
(laughs)
Thought what?
Nothing.
What?
Ah!
Well, I guess we ought to tell him.
Yeah.
Uh, Cliffie, uh,
you're gonna get a kick out of this, actually.
(Paul, Carla, Norm laughing)
See,
what we thought was that...
Oh, hell, what's the best way to put this, guys?
We thought you killed your mom and cut her up in little pieces.
Beer?
Boy, this is terrific.
And you're supposed to be my friends.
How could you think of something like that?
Come on, Cliff.
Yeah, we're sorry, Mr. Clavin.
Ah, no, I mean, that's a real rotten thing!
Oh, Cliff, in the bottom of our hearts,
none of us really thought you actually killed your mother.
No! Golly! (all chuckling)
NORM: Come on, I mean, you know,
how could we think that?
You're our buddy. Yeah.
Come on, we love you, Cliffie, huh?
Huh? (all chuckling)
REPORTER: This just in.
Gardeners have just discovered human remains
in the middle of Lexington Common.
Get him!
(all grunting)
Authorities believe the remains may be those of a minute-man
who fought in the Revolutionary War.
Ah! Hey, Cliffie.
(all chuckling) Come on.
That's just a sample of how much we love you, Cliffie.
Uh, excuse me.
My name's Clavin, and I, uh, brought my mother
in here earlier today.
And now you're having pangs of remorse.
(chuckles): Yeah. How'd you know?
It's a common reaction.
It's quite normal.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, uh, I-I guess I'll be, uh,
taking my ma home now.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I-I just went over to her, uh, room there,
and-and she wasn't around so...
She's in the Starlight Lounge.
There's a dance tonight.
(waltz music playing faintly)
(waltz music playing)
Wow!
I don't remember the last time I saw Ma dancing.
People often seem to come out of their shells here.
Hey, look at that.
Guy just cut in on her.
That silver-haired fox.
(chuckles): Yes.
I was watching your mother in the hot tub earlier.
She seemed to be quite popular with the gentlemen.
You, uh, you have a hot tub?
Oh, yes. Our residents find it quite invigorating.
After the softball tournament.
Softball tournament.
In fact,
this afternoon, your mother was chosen most valuable player.
She went four for four at bat.
But I think it was the hook slide into third
that really won their hearts.
My mother's never played softball in her life.
(music stops, applause) Maybe she never had the chance.
(tango music playing)
Oh.
(chuckles): Come here, come here.
Look at this, look at this.
She's doing a tango.
She's got a rose in her teeth and everything.
(laughs)
I just hope she doesn't fall off that table.
Ah, it's okay.
She got eight guys waiting there to catch her if she does.
(laughs)
Oh, boy, I've never seen her so happy.
I, uh...
(chuckles)
Got to say, I-I feel kind of foolish.
Don't.
You just wanted what was best for your mother.
Yeah.
Well, I always thought that her world
revolved around her son, you know,
that she couldn't, uh, ever get along without me, so...
Perhaps that's what you wanted to think.
Yeah.
Now I can see she's happier than she's ever been.
(chuckles)
Say, uh, I'd appreciate it
if you didn't mention that I was here.
I understand.
I guess I won't be taking her home after all.
I thought not.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go have another peek.
Oh, and-and, Mr. Clavin,
while you're here, your mother's insurance
doesn't entirely cover her expenses.
(chuckles)
I assume that, uh,
you'll want to take care of the remainder?
Yeah, yeah, sure thing.
Just send me the bill.
Well, here's what it comes to for the first year.
Honestly, the cost of running this place
just keeps going up and up.
Well, you can't put a price on a mother's happiness.
(chuckles)
(screaming): Oh, Clifford!
Put me down!
What are you doing?!
I'm getting you out of this hell hole, Ma!
Here you go.
Thank you, Sam.
Feeling better?
(sighs)
I have never been so humiliated in my life.
I can't believe I did that.
Do you know what I am?
I'm a phony.
I'm a great big phony.
Pretending like I liked Mahler
just so some rich guy would ask me out.
I don't even know his first name.
WOODY: Gustav.
Gustav Mahler.
(sighs)
Do you know that I don't really even like Mr. Gaines?
And yet I allowed myself to just fall all over him
just because he's rich.
As God as my witness, Sam,
I am never, ever going af-after
another rich man as long as I live.
Well, as far as I can see, Normie,
we're-we're sitting pretty.
I mean, I don't, I don't foresee any problems unless...
well, unless of course there's a second wave of Martians.
Then, uh, then, my friend, I think we've got
some pretty serious defence problems.
But, oh, uh, heck, I'll go into that some other time.
(yawning): Want a refill, Norm?
Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Oh.
There you are, Miss Howe.
Uh, Mr. Gaines,
I have to apologize.
No, don't say a thing.
I admit, I was upset by what happened earlier this evening.
But after I cooled down, I realized it was all my fault.
I was unclear about my intentions.
Now I'd like to make it up to you.
I thought we could have dinner sometime, together,
just the two of us.
Just you and me?
Yes.
I'd be delighted to have dinner with such an attractive woman.
Sorry, Mr. Gaines.
Um, I'm very flattered, but I have to tell you
that the only reason I would have dinner with you
is because you're so rich.
And that wouldn't be fair to you,
and it wouldn't be fair to me.
I see.
Very well, Miss Howe.
Good-bye.
Well, Rebecca, I must say I'm impressed.
This could be a big turning point in your life.
At last, your actions fit your words.
Yeah, I'm with Frasier.
I'm really proud of you, sweetheart.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Sam, can you come here and do me a favour?
Sure, hon. What?
Can you stop me from going after him?
I'm having a hard time stopping myself.
(chuckles)
Whoa.
And you're gonna need Cliff and Norm.
SAM: Uh, Norm, Norm?
Fras, you want to help me here?
Mister. Mister!
I'm coming, Mister!
Mister!