Mom, just because I'm in tonight does not mean I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Before I met your father, I went to where the boys were.
- I didn't stay home. - Well, Mom, if I didn't stay home,
I wouldn't be able to take your "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" calls.
I just want you to be happy. How's David?
How's David? I don't think I've ever heard you connect those two ideas.
Well, I think he's been a good friend to you.
DONNA: Yeah, he is. He's actually seeing someone.
Camille from the store.
Oh, is she that girl with the too-short hair?
- Heh-heh-heh. Yeah, Mom. - Where's Kelly?
She's out with Matt. You know what?
This is a great pep talk.
[KELLY LAUGHlNG NEARBY]
Oh. Uh...
Kelly and Matt are home and I'm not really dressed.
- If you were on a date, you would be. - Mom, shush.
- Is that your hand? MATT: Want me to move it?
KELLY: No, I like it.
[SCREAMS]
[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]
What's happening?
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SlGHS]
Nothing, nothing. I'm going to bed.
All right, well, get yourself a nice long nightgown, okay? I love you.
Yeah, I'll get the jammies with the feet. Love you too. Bye.
[LAUGHlNG CONTlNUES]
[KELLY GlGGLlNG]
[SlGHS]
Ew!
MAN [ON RADlO]: Well, my fantasy is that she doesn't talk.
DAVlD [ON RADlO]: During sex? MAN: No, I mean ever.
Chicks can drive you nuts with that yap, yap, yapping.
Especially the smart ones.
You, pal, are lame.
Okay, folks, tonight's topic is sexual fantasies.
You present them. I rank them with my steam-o-metre.
And, uh, the last call gets negative two.
You're on the air with David Silver.
CAMlLLE: Hi. Are you still looking for a fantasy?
Because I've got one that may just rock your world.
- Camille? - Well, I'm very interested in hearing it.
My boyfriend takes me somewhere nice but crowded
and then we find a secret spot and make love.
DAVlD [OVER PHONE]: Sex in a public place.
You envisioning any specific locations?
- Oh, God, no. CAMlLLE [ON RADlO]: Hmm.
Maybe the planetarium at Griffith Park.
Or there is a glass elevator at the Beverly Center.
Well, I think my steam-o-metre just exploded.
[OVER PHON E] And you're lucky, caller.
I'm fairly confident this fantasy is doable.
CAMlLLE [OVER RADlO]: Hmm.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, pretty sure.
[CHUCKLES]
[SCOFFS]
[SlGHS]
[KELLY YELLS THEN LAUGHS]
[SlGHS]
Why me?
[KELLY & MATT LAUGHlNG]
- I've never heard of Borst Sausage. - Yes, you have.
[SlNGlNG] For a big pork taste That's a whole lot leaner
[SlNGlNG] Throw Borst in your cart It makes a great--
[lN UNlSON] Weiner
- I love that jingle. - Yes. We serve that here. It's good.
Well, we were gonna hire Nat,
but we wanna change the whole campaign.
So I was thinking like a '60s-style cocktail party.
Well, that sounds more like advertising than PR.
Yeah, well, Mr. Borst has his own ideas.
Which is why I need to talk to Maddy.
How would you like to have your picture taken
with some of L.A.s cutest kids?
She said no.
How about $500 for one hour of work?
She said when hell freezes over.
[GASPS]
We're gonna have to talk to our daughter about all this swearing.
- Maddy, shame on you. - There will be a photographer there.
You get something cute for your baby book.
Sounds great to me.
My mom was on The Hartley House.
And I grew up around all these child actors.
Print ads lead to commercials which lead to sitcoms
which lead to sex, drugs and rock-star boyfriends.
Before you know it, we'll be raiding her bank account
and then she'll be dissing us on E! True Hollywood Stories. No.
Or we could put the money into Maddy's college fund.
- I'll go with her. - You have copy editing.
That's why God made pencils. Just tell me where to go and when.
Twelve o'clock, Cavato's Studios.
Cavato's Studios?
Does the name Corey Feldman mean anything to anybody?
[NAT CHUCKLES]
- Hey, you look busy. - Oh, yeah.
Crazed is more like it. What are you doing here?
Well--
[TYRES SQUEAL]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
[MATT GRUNTS]
MATT: Wow!
It corners well, but the front end's a little squishy.
Yeah, I'll have my guy dial that in.
What just happened?
Dylan is doing a little riding in the high desert this weekend.
Talk to Mike. He'll hook you up with one.
And, uh, Kel, good luck with the crazed thing.
Oh, wow, CR 1 25. That is a beautiful machine.
What happened to my sensitive man who cooks?
Oh, my grandpa, he owned a farm in upstate New York.
We used to dirt bike there.
Since my caseload is light, I thought I'd tag along with Dylan.
You and Dylan, road-tripping.
What? You wanted us to be friends.
Yeah, in a "let's go get a beer" kind of way.
What are you guys gonna talk about all weekend?
Nothing.
Wait, you think we're gonna talk about you? Is that it?
No. Have a nice trip.
- If you get hurt, I'll kill you. - Unh.
Drive safe.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES]
- Great look. - Oh, you think so?
Yeah, sexy. Very revealing.
Hmm, kind of like you on the radio last night?
- Ha. Oh, did you hear that? - Uh-huh.
I don't know what came over me.
[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE RlNGS]
Now Wear This.
Hey, you wanna take a trip to the Santa Monica Pier?
Clothing is optional.
Are you serious? When?
DAVlD [OVER PHONE]: Right now.
- David, I'm working. - Well, I was working last night.
- It didn't seem to bother you then. CAMlLLE: Right. Meet me at closing.
You drive and I'll take care of everything else.
- See you then. - Okay. Bye.
Hey, Donna? Do you mind if I leave a couple minutes early tonight?
Well, you know what you need to get done, so...
Okay, I'll get started.
[SlGHS]
There were supposed to be stars with those stripes.
Missed the memo.
[KELLY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Yeah. We'll get the Art Department right on that.
Taylor, I want 50 stars for our 50 states.
Our customers value patriotism as much as they do my sausage.
- Remember that. - Got it.
Oh, the weenie babies.
- Keep him away from me. - Yeah.
That doesn't look like a Borst Sausage.
Borst Sausages have that Borst Sausage smile.
Four more nationals and Mary here is halfway to Yale.
I just dumped Joshua's money into that mutual fund.
Yeah?
How many commercials has yours booked this year?
Oh, um, we're just here as a favour to a friend.
Oh, there's a corn-fed kid. Sign her up.
You'll do.
Oh, rosy cheeks, twinkle eyes.
That whole package has Borst written all over it.
Position one.
Oh. And I have some notes on that ad copy, Taylor.
The big note is it stinks.
Um, is that bad?
[CHUCKLES]
Are you kidding? It's great.
She's lead bun.
My daughter, lead bun.
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
Uh, vodka martini, straight up.
[SlGHS]
Here you go.
Uh, martini equals no bubbles.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm Noah, from your Wednesday night meeting.
Heh, you're in A.A. and you work here?
That's rich.
Yep, it certainly is, huh?
- So, what's your name? - Ahh, Ellen.
Ellen. You wanna talk about it?
I don't know. You got a couple of hours?
Yeah, a matter of fact, I do.
I'll be right back.
[DAVlD CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I don't know about you, but I am fired up and ready to go.
Oh, I can't. This came in early from the manufacturer.
So, what, you have to stock it tonight?
No, but Donna's in a terrible mood.
So, heh, suddenly there's a need to inventory our fall line.
Are you telling me we have to do this another time?
Hmm?
[CHUCKLES]
- Careful. - You know,
we don't actually have to go to Santa Monica to be in public.
[CAMlLLE CHUCKLES]
You were an absolute lifesaver tonight.
Well, anytime.
[SlGHS]
There's nothing worse, coming home to an empty apartment.
Yep. Especially if you want a drink.
At times like this, I usually just drive to the beach.
The pounding of the waves just clears everything up.
That's funny. I lived on a boat for a long time.
Um, the only thing that kept me sane were those waves.
- Let's keep going. - Really?
Yeah, yeah. Let's go right to Malibu and hang out till sun comes up.
- What do you think? - Heh, drive.
- My kind of girl. - Heh.
- Camille? - Donna, just a second!
Camille, I think I left my cell phone.
Hey, Donna.
How's it going?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh.
Janet, why were these under the sofa cushions?
Oh, my copy editing. I was looking for that everywhere.
Janet, that was due yesterday.
Maddy's bun needed alterations. I was with the, uh, costumer.
Um, her name is Catherine and she's from New York.
Unless Catherine can get us Polaroids of Pamela Lee's next wardrobe fitting,
I want you in a quiet corner with a red pen flying.
Don't you think our daughter's career is a little more important now?
Career? She's 5 months old.
[OVEN DlNGS]
Ooh!
I hope that these are all right.
Because Gary the props guy, he likes them a little under-baked.
- You're out of control. - I am not.
I mean, Donna couldn't possibly understand how I felt after Beth died.
Or why I let my parents make all the decisions for me.
Well, Donna's naturally strong, right?
It's hard for people like that to understand weakness.
Especially in people they love.
Well, been a long time since I fed seagulls.
Since you're such a natural at it, keep this as a souvenir.
- No, thanks. - You sure?
[CHUCKLES]
Okay.
It's her loss. Your ex's, I mean.
Thanks.
I should, uh, probably go.
Thanks for listening.
You did your fair share too.
Well, I guess sometimes it's easier to open up to a total stranger.
Yeah.
I guess that's what we are, huh? Strangers.
Stay with me.
Okay.
I don't know if you ate already, but I brought you a salad.
- Donna? - Not hungry.
[SlGHS]
Boy, this is, heh, really unnecessary.
I left a message at your home that you didn't need to be in till 1 :00.
Yeah, well, I thought we should talk.
Hi, Donna.
Hey. I think I need some coffee.
Here, disinfects most staff and strep infections,
but only on non-porous surfaces.
Yeah, that's what she needs, coffee.
[SCOFFS]
She walked in on us having sex.
Yeah, I know. I was there.
Well, it's weird, all right? And she's uncomfortable.
Yeah, well, I admit it was a little tacky, but that's not the problem.
Donna's not a prude or a bitch, but she's acting like both.
You know why? Because she wants you back.
- That's ridiculous. - David, there's no other explanation.
Who was I on the floor with last night? That was you, right?
- Yeah, but this is not about me. - But I didn't do anything wrong.
- You're completely blind. - No, I'm not blind.
Yeah, and the more blind that you are
or you choose to be, the more worried I get.
- Fired? - No, not fired, retooled.
Taylor, I want everything weenie babies out of here.
It was all just a bad talentless dream.
No.
This was Maddy's chance to shine.
We did everything right.
She smiled when they asked. We never complained.
Whatever happened to meritocracy?
This is not your fault. Borst is temperamental and completely erratic.
[SlGHS]
- The cookies were a big hit, though. - I want my Tupperware back.
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
Hello.
DONNA [OVER PHONE]: Hi, it's Donna. We have to talk.
Every time I work behind the cash register, I get this creepy feeling
that turns into the icky feeling that turns into this mad feeling.
Hmm, that probably makes ringing up sales difficult.
Please, come back to the store, please.
The way things are going today, I would love that.
Am I crazy for letting this bother me so much?
Yes. And, uh, possessive of something that doesn't belong to you.
And a little predatory too.
How do you really feel?
[CHUCKLES]
So they had sex. Ew.
But so what? David isn't yours.
He could be if you'd ever get around to telling him how you really feel.
And come between him and Camille? Now, that would be predatory.
Fine, but as long as you're gonna keep some of your feelings from David,
you have to keep all of your feelings from David.
Even the ones that make you feel crazy.
Or else you're just being unfair.
Do you want to hear something really annoying?
Camille has flawless skin. Everywhere.
Ugh. I did not need to hear that.
Well, I didn't need to see that.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Come on. Hey.
Kelly, Donna, this is Ellen.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
Could you guys do me a favour and keep Ellen company?
I'm gonna go next door and get a blanket.
Sure.
- Be right back. Okay. - Okay.
We're gonna go have a picnic on the beach.
Oh, wow. That'll be fun.
Um, yeah, unfortunately, I have to get going back to work.
So, Ellen, take my seat.
Go ahead. Sit down.
- Fries? - Heh.
That is so gorgeous.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's a Donna Martin original.
You make your own clothes?
Mm-hm.
KELLY: She has a whole store of them.
See, Donna is this amazing, sexy, chic,
unstoppable designer-slash-businesswoman
who's way too with-it to be pining. Bye.
Ha, ha, I paid her to say that. Just kidding.
She's my best friend. It's her job to oversell.
Anyway, heh, so, uh, how long have you and Noah known each other?
Oh, we just met last night at the bar.
Oh, wow.
Ellen, um, what do you do?
Um...
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm a temp, heh.
I mean, I don't own my own company or anything, but, um, I get by.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Getting to work in new places all the time, meeting new people.
Um, would you excuse me? I left my purse in the car.
Sure.
They got hills like that on your grandpa's farm in upstate New York?
We call them molehills.
All right, come on.
[ENGlNES REWlNG]
[BOTH WHOOPlNG]
DYLAN: Come on.
DYLAN: Hey, hey, hey. - Got you.
DYLAN: Oh, yeah.
[BOTH YELLlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
[GRUNTS]
You all right?
Yeah.
Is that how they ride in upstate New York?
[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
No, it was me being stupid.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG NEARBY]
What's going on over there?
DYLAN: I don't know. That's where we were gonna camp,
but, uh, looks like they got other plans.
I've been watching you guys ride.
Heh, nice jump.
[CHUCKLES]
- Thanks. - So when's the party start?
- You got an invitation? - It's in my other pants.
It starts at half past whenever. Don't be late.
And, uh, make sure you bring your stuntman with you.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, Donna, that was a double order of fries.
I'm not proud.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey.
Where's Ellen?
Uh, she said she left her purse in the car.
- Guess she'll be right back. - Oh.
So, what do you think?
- She seems nice. - Yeah, yeah.
It's like we have this, um, connection, you know?
I just like her.
- And I'm happy for you. - Yeah.
DYLAN: All right.
She's fine. No damage.
- Telling you, Kelly's gonna kill me. - Not if you don't tell her.
You kidding me? She's all-knowing.
Besides I don't think I could walk without a limp.
- Your secret's safe with me. - Thanks.
Gonna get some more ice.
- Can I get some more? - Sure.
It still hurts, huh?
Ah, be fine by tomorrow.
Ahh, so are you guys spending the night?
Yeah, that's, uh-- That's the plan.
Here, try this.
Well, that's the biggest mai tai I've ever seen.
Yeah. It puts aspirin to shame.
I helped make it myself.
It's good. Thanks.
Hey, come on. Let me show you around.
- Hey, buddy, I'll be back. - Gotcha.
Ha, ha. Careful, you're spilling it.
BUDDY: Hey, forget it, Skorupski.
We didn't hunt down the best acid in town to give it away for free.
MAN: Get your own happy juice.
Hey.
How did you find me?
[SCOFFS]
In group, you said how much you loved passing out in the ladies' room here.
They have velvet couches, heh.
I was waiting for you.
You can hate me if you want to, okay? You're going to eventually.
Look, what's going on with you, huh?
Hey, talk to me. I don't understand what's going on.
One minute we're taking off on a picnic and then you're gone.
Why don't you just go on a picnic with Donna?
- Super, successful Donna. - Look, I'm getting you out of here.
- Come on. - She disapproves of me, of us.
I'm Ellen, the loser typist.
And Donna's this clothing big shot.
I don't even know what you're doing here.
Look, I got you a job, okay?
It's full-time steady work.
A distributor I know is hiring, so I thought of you.
It's light typing, good phone skills, heh, great personality.
Sounds like you to me.
- Thank you. - Well, I did the easy part.
The rest is up to you.
KELLY [OVER PHONE]: I am so sorry.
Ahh, Kelly, you don't have to apologise.
I just feel like this campaign has taken on a whole life of its own.
Well, it's almost over.
Hey, um, did Steve come by to pick up that cheque?
KELLY [OVER PHONE]: Yeah, he did and he's still here.
Actually, that's why I was calling you.
He's still there? Why?
Maybe you should come and see for yourself.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
[ALL CHEERlNG AND LAUGHlNG]
Hey, hey, hey, there's a guy over there, he has blue spray paint.
And he's spraying on people's skin.
And it's so blue that it makes your teeth really, really white.
I thought you should know that.
- Do you feel all right? - Yeah, yeah, man.
I feel so good, it's scary.
Because you know we can be back in L.A. in a couple hours.
No, no, no, it feels good to be out of town. It does.
- So do you dance or what? - Uh, not really, heh.
Well, come and watch me then.
[CHUCKLES]
- Doesn't hurt to watch. - Ah.
- Heh, heh. MAN: Yeah, yeah!
Thanks for setting this up, man.
I thought you were a real jerk, but no way. I was way off, man.
Come on.
[lMlTATES MOTORCYCLE REWlNG]
Just take it easy on the desert juice, huh?
- Hi. - Hello.
Now, Steve, point the shaft of that kielbasa skyward.
Not a problem.
- Oh, my God. - I know.
Oh, good. Let's get some shots of that.
Hurry, hurry.
Oh, incredible.
[BORST CHUCKLES]
You like that? Looking good, Steve. Show me a muscle.
- Muscle? - Excellent.
That's great.
Oh, that's strong. That's strong, heh.
Very good. Oh, that's perfect. Now, get all this, okay?
Okay, ladies, you want Steve's sausage.
It's very important to you.
BORST: Oh, that's perfect.
You like that? Oh, that's good.
Okay, everyone, let's take a break.
Say, uh, long enough to consider other career options.
Hi, baby, it's Daddy.
I thought you were picking up Chinese food.
- You didn't tell her? - I couldn't find the right words.
I'm the sausage king.
[SlNGSONGY] Yo, ha!
- Oh, tell me more. - Mr. Borst likes my Nordic good looks.
Does Jerry know your ancestors are from Phoenix?
He took one look at me and he saw dollar signs and so did l.
He's talking national spots.
WOMEN: Bye, ha-ha-ha.
WOMAN: He's so cute.
Why don't I have the PA make you a nice sandwich, okay?
Todd? Todd?
Closing up?
Yeah, 30 percent off today.
Nothing left untouched.
If you're looking for Camille, I don't know where--
- She's at the gym. - There you go.
I'm sorry for what you saw.
And for not having the tact to realise it would bother you.
Thanks.
So Camille's got this idea in her head that l--
Last night l, um, was cleaning out my closet and I found...
And I found that dress that I wore to our Christmas dance.
Remember the one with the horrible rhinestones all over it?
Yeah.
Every time I tried to touch you, they scratched me.
I think that's exactly what my mom wanted, heh.
You told me in the parking lot that you were proud
to be going to the dance with the best dancer at West Beverly.
- I did not say that. - Yes, you did.
Ahh. Oh, my God. How lame was l?
[CHUCKLES]
I also remember kissing you.
Well, it's impossible to know how much you've changed
unless you look back, heh.
Guess we've change a lot, huh?
BOTH: I should--
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I should get this done, yeah.
I'm sorry again.
Me too.
Good night.
What, um, did you want to talk to me about? Something about Camille?
No, nothing. Never mind.
Um, the dress with the rhinestones, did it still fit?
I didn't try it on.
Good night.
Woo!
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
Matt Durning, attorney at law. I'm networking with you.
Matt Durning, attorney at law.
I'm networking with you people. Come on!
You know, I've never seen a lawyer drumming up business at a rave, heh.
Yeah, well, he, uh, doesn't get out much.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, man, I feel good. I feel good.
You never told me what's in this stuff.
Uh, fruit punch and a teensy bit of liquid acid.
Acid, like the drug acid?
- Well, just a teensy little bit. - I don't do drugs.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Come on, let's dance.
- Woo-hoo! - Ha-ha-ha.
So are you two, like, best friends?
No, we're in love with the same woman.
Oh.
- Cosy. - Hmm.
JULlE: So, what do you think is gonna happen?
He's gonna marry her. Me? I don't know.
Huh.
Come on, I wanna show you my tent. Come on.
- Come on. - Ha, ha.
- Morning. - Hey.
- Did you get any sleep? - Heh, heh. Nope.
[SlGHS]
Seen my friend?
- Last time I saw the engaged guy-- - Mm-hm.
--he was under those trees over there, baying at the moon.
Wow. Excellent use of the word baying.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Come on.
[BOTH GRUNT]
Look out. Come on.
Hey.
Sleepy head.
- What time is it? DYLAN: What time is it?
Time to hit the trails. Come on.
Oh, jeez.
AMY: Ow!
Your knee hit me right in the thigh.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My mistake.
My mistake.
[SlGHS]
How long have you been up?
Uh-- Uh, I don't know. Since 5, 5:30.
- Plundering the shores again, dear? - No, I was working out, okay?
As sausage king, it's important that I maintain a certain imposing stature.
KELLY: Hello?
JANET: Hey. - Hey.
Bad news, Thor. The reign of the sausage king is over.
What are you talking about? The Viking concept was great.
Mr. Borst changed his idea again.
- This was your idea, wasn't it? - It was my job.
It wasn't like me to stand on the sidelines,
or you to get drunk on the power of lead bun.
JANET: Mm-mm.
But seeing you wielding a 2-foot sausage
was a little more than I could take.
- I know. That's a lot. - Hmm.
Speaking from experience, honey?
Anyway, I went with my original idea and he loved it.
You'll get paid for the day,
but unfortunately I'm gonna need that Viking costume back.
- It's a rental. - It's upstairs.
Okay, okay, okay, so the Viking thing is out.
How about French or maybe northern ltalian, huh? Huh?
- Honey. - What?
You need to give Kelly the hat back, okay?
Steve?
KELLY: Thank you, heh.
KELLY: Bye. JANET: Bye.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, tonight in bed, you can still call me Helga.
[CHUCKLES]
[SlNGSONGY] Yo, ha! Yo, ha!
DYLAN: What's the last thing you remember?
Mud, stripes, mud stripes on a girl's back.
Me as the artist.
I heard before I enrolled that law school changes you.
You know, it makes you too careful.
And one loose floorboard, one impulsive moment can ruin lives.
Look, Matt, last night doesn't have to ruin anything.
That girl, Amy, said it's no big deal.
No big deal.
[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
[MOUTHS] Want to come in?
Hey, hey, come in. I just put on a song.
- I missed you. - Yeah?
How come you haven't returned any of my calls?
Well, I thought about calling you here.
But the last time I did that, we ended up upsetting Donna.
I thought about mailing you a note,
but then, uh, I was afraid that Donna would see it in the outgoing mail
and she'd get her feelings hurt.
- Donna's a pretty big part of my life. - Yeah, mine too.
But I realised that the only way that you and I can exist separately from her
is if I quit the store, which I don't want to do.
Or if you and I move to Canada.
Is that what you want?
[CHUCKLES]
Come here.
Hmm, it's a little drastic.
Camille, you asked me to figure this out, all right?
But the truth is we're fine.
But if it makes you feel any better, we can go update our passports today.
[DAVlD CHUCKLES]
You know,
- the point of my fantasy-- - Mm-hm?
...is that when you and l are together--
Mm-hm?
--no one else exists.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
- Good, heh. - Heh.
- Hi. - Hey. The 1 0 was backed up.
I was gonna call, but I didn't want to wake anyone.
Come to bed.
Yeah, heh.
You okay?
I missed you.
Go back to sleep.
Everything's fine.