1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,600
Oh, my God!

2
00:00:02,230 --> 00:00:03,230
I have a tattoo.

3
00:00:03,430 --> 00:00:04,630
Oh, that's not a tattoo.

4
00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,330
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.

5
00:00:07,930 --> 00:00:09,230
A tramp stamp.

6
00:00:09,830 --> 00:00:11,630
<i>Kids, too often in life,</i>

7
00:00:11,630 --> 00:00:14,430
<i>we make decisions that we're
not prepared to live with.</i>

8
00:00:16,230 --> 00:00:18,230
<i>This is a story
about those decisions,</i>

9
00:00:18,330 --> 00:00:20,430
<i>and the consequences
that follow.</i>

10
00:00:22,330 --> 00:00:25,530
Say good-bye, kids,
'cause it won't be around much longer.

11
00:00:25,630 --> 00:00:27,630
Oh, but Ted, if you get rid
of the butterfly,

12
00:00:27,730 --> 00:00:29,830
how's everyone gonna know
you're a stripper from Reno

13
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:31,930
with Daddy issues?

14
00:00:32,130 --> 00:00:35,030
Yes, yes, enjoy these
final moments of mockery

15
00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:38,730
because in just ten surprisingly
expensive sessions,

16
00:00:38,930 --> 00:00:42,330
Stella is gonna zap that butterfly
right off the face of my lower back.

17
00:00:42,430 --> 00:00:43,530
Stella?

18
00:00:43,530 --> 00:00:45,530
Dr. Stella Zinman.
She's the best in the business.

19
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:50,230
And she's rather cute. In fact...
we're going to a movie together tonight.

20
00:00:50,330 --> 00:00:51,830
- What?
- I asked her out.

21
00:00:52,230 --> 00:00:55,030
- Ted, why would you do that?
- What's the matter with you?

22
00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,830
- What? What do you mean?
- Dude...

23
00:00:57,030 --> 00:00:58,730
don't poop where you eat.

24
00:00:58,730 --> 00:01:00,730
Oh, no, this doesn't count.

25
00:01:00,830 --> 00:01:02,830
If it's someone you see
on a regular basis,

26
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:03,930
and you can't avoid them...

27
00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:06,930
And in this case, you're paying
them... then yes, it counts.

28
00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:09,530
Ted, you've heard
of the Golden Rule, right?

29
00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:10,430
"Love thy neighbor?"

30
00:01:10,730 --> 00:01:13,330
Uh, actually, it's "Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you."

31
00:01:13,430 --> 00:01:15,230
It's from the Bible.

32
00:01:16,130 --> 00:01:18,130
Damn it, Ted, I've worked out
this whole thing

33
00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:21,430
where the Golden Rule is
"Love thy neighbor," so just... okay?

34
00:01:22,830 --> 00:01:24,830
Now, the Golden Rule is
"Love thy neighbor."

35
00:01:25,030 --> 00:01:27,030
But there's one
rule above it:

36
00:01:27,030 --> 00:01:29,230
the Platinum Rule:

37
00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:34,030
"Never ever, ever, ever,
love thy neighbor."

38
00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:36,830
Well, that's cute. But she's not
my neighbor, she's my doctor.

39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,530
- So if you'll excuse me...
- Ted, Barney has a point.

40
00:01:39,630 --> 00:01:41,930
Remember what happened with me
and Curt down at the station?

41
00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:44,730
Oh, yeah, and remember what happened
with us and the Gerards across the hall?

44
00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:51,030
I'm out the door as soon
as I'm finished with my hair.

45
00:01:51,130 --> 00:01:53,430
Good, then we've got
a solid half hour.

46
00:01:53,730 --> 00:01:58,130
And in that time, we will convince
you not to set foot out that door.

47
00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:00,730
It's a story older
than time, my friend,

48
00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:03,430
and it always plays out
in the same eight steps.

49
00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:05,830
Step 1: Attraction.

50
00:02:07,530 --> 00:02:09,230
- It's true.
- That's not even possible.

51
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,730
- 12 of them.
- There's no way.

52
00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:11,730
- Hi, Barney.
- Hey.

53
00:02:11,830 --> 00:02:13,430
- Here's your gin and tonic.
- Thanks.

54
00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:15,530
Oh, gosh.
Look at that.

55
00:02:22,030 --> 00:02:24,030
Oh, hi! You must be our
new neighbors. I'm Michael.

56
00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:25,030
And I'm Laura.

57
00:02:25,130 --> 00:02:26,730
Oh, hi, welcome
to the building. Yeah.

58
00:02:26,830 --> 00:02:29,230
Do you guys know any good
brunch places around here?

59
00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:31,430
We love brunch!

60
00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:36,630
You must be Robin.

61
00:02:37,330 --> 00:02:38,630
Yeah.

62
00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:40,330
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons.

63
00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:41,630
I'm gonna be doing sports.

64
00:02:41,730 --> 00:02:43,730
Oh. Welcome.

65
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:46,530
You look really familiar.
Are you a former athlete?

66
00:02:46,830 --> 00:02:47,730
Hockey.

67
00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:51,630
<i>The attraction is
instant and undeniable.</i>

68
00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:53,230
But you know better.

69
00:02:53,330 --> 00:02:55,730
You've seen your friends
make the same mistakes before.

70
00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:58,130
You've laughed smugly at them.

71
00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:00,030
Idiots.

72
00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:02,130
But still, you think,

73
00:03:02,330 --> 00:03:05,730
"This is different. The Platinum Rule
doesn't apply to me."

74
00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:07,830
And that's Step 2.

75
00:03:08,030 --> 00:03:10,030
Bargaining.

76
00:03:10,330 --> 00:03:12,530
I think I've got a little crush
on our sports guy.

77
00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:14,330
- No, don't do it.
- No. No, no, no, no.

78
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:18,330
I know, I know. But he used to
play hockey, and I'm a Canadian.

79
00:03:18,430 --> 00:03:19,430
I can't help it.

80
00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:22,130
If he were missing some teeth,
I probably would've already hit that.

81
00:03:23,130 --> 00:03:24,830
Robin, it's a mistake.

82
00:03:24,930 --> 00:03:26,630
Remember what happened
with me and Marshall?

83
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:28,230
The Gerards across the hall?

84
00:03:28,230 --> 00:03:30,330
Michael and Laura.
They're awesome!

85
00:03:30,430 --> 00:03:32,130
We're gonna invite them
over for dinner.

86
00:03:32,230 --> 00:03:33,730
- No! Really?
- Are you insane?

87
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,930
Guys, guys, guys,
this is New York City.

88
00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:37,730
You don't get close
to the neighbors.

89
00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:39,630
You nod at them politely
in the hall.

90
00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:41,930
You call the cops if you haven't
seen them in a while

91
00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,030
and you smell something
funny, and that is it.

92
00:03:44,130 --> 00:03:46,830
We're not gonna date them.
We're just gonna be friends with them.

93
00:03:46,830 --> 00:03:48,830
That's the couples
version of dating.

94
00:03:48,930 --> 00:03:51,630
And you've got the couples
version of the hots for them.

95
00:03:51,830 --> 00:03:54,730
Oh, yeah, you want to eat brunch with them.
You want to browse at Pottery Barn with them.

96
00:03:57,230 --> 00:03:59,630
You want to go antiquing
with them, don't you?

97
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:03,230
Oh, yeah, you want to antique
the crap out of them.

98
00:04:03,630 --> 00:04:07,230
Need I remind you what happened
with me and Wendy the Waitress?

99
00:04:07,930 --> 00:04:10,230
I've decided to seduce
Wendy the Waitress.

100
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:12,430
- Don't do it!
- No! Request denied!

101
00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:16,130
What rule is there that says I can't
seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?

102
00:04:16,330 --> 00:04:18,730
I don't know. I'd expect you
to have one already.

103
00:04:18,730 --> 00:04:20,530
Yeah, with some sort
of catchy name.

104
00:04:20,630 --> 00:04:21,930
Well, I don't.

105
00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:25,230
I don't have one and I never will be
because it's a great idea.

106
00:04:25,430 --> 00:04:27,330
Come on, guys.
She's gullible.

107
00:04:27,430 --> 00:04:29,630
I'm bored.
We're perfect for each other.

108
00:04:29,930 --> 00:04:32,330
Barney.
We love this bar.

109
00:04:32,430 --> 00:04:35,630
If you screw over Wendy the Waitress,
you're going to kill the bar.

110
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:38,230
- Bar-killer.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

111
00:04:38,830 --> 00:04:41,430
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

112
00:04:41,930 --> 00:04:44,530
And it was a huge mistake.

113
00:04:44,730 --> 00:04:46,930
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

114
00:04:47,530 --> 00:04:50,030
And it was a huge mistake.

115
00:04:50,230 --> 00:04:53,230
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

116
00:04:53,830 --> 00:04:56,330
And it was a huge mistake.

117
00:04:57,030 --> 00:05:00,030
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

118
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,930
Sync by vNaru

119
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:17,314
Ted, trust me.
You don't want to do this.

120
00:05:17,314 --> 00:05:19,314
Look, Stella and I
are both adults.

121
00:05:19,414 --> 00:05:22,714
We're both smart, mature people
capable of making good decisions.

122
00:05:22,814 --> 00:05:25,914
You have a butterfly
tramp stamp.

123
00:05:26,014 --> 00:05:29,914
We're just seeing a movie.
If it seems at all weird, I'll back off.

124
00:05:30,314 --> 00:05:33,814
That's what everyone thinks.
And then along comes Step 3:

125
00:05:34,414 --> 00:05:36,714
Submission.

126
00:05:37,214 --> 00:05:38,814
- Night.
- Hey, Barney.

127
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:42,014
Carl had to take off.
You mind giving me a hand?

128
00:05:43,414 --> 00:05:44,614
Not at all.

129
00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:49,914
Robin. I got two tickets
to the Rangers. Center ice.

130
00:05:50,514 --> 00:05:51,514
Want to go?

131
00:05:52,914 --> 00:05:55,714
And then we discover the movers
lost all our kitchen boxes.

132
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,614
We don't have
a single pot or pan.

133
00:05:57,614 --> 00:05:59,414
Guess we're ordering
take-out.

134
00:06:00,214 --> 00:06:02,514
Want to have dinner
with us tonight?

135
00:06:27,014 --> 00:06:28,914
- I love them.
- Me, too.

136
00:06:38,114 --> 00:06:40,614
That was an interesting use
of the beverage gun.

137
00:06:40,914 --> 00:06:42,814
Club soda can get
anything off.

138
00:06:44,514 --> 00:06:45,914
It finally happened.

139
00:06:46,314 --> 00:06:47,714
All this time,

140
00:06:47,914 --> 00:06:49,914
every drink I brought you...

141
00:06:50,014 --> 00:06:53,314
I always felt there was this
unspoken connection between us.

142
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,214
And I was right.

143
00:06:55,614 --> 00:06:58,414
Hey, can I get
a gin and tonic?

144
00:06:59,014 --> 00:07:01,114
See, I bet you didn't pay
for that gin and tonic.

145
00:07:01,314 --> 00:07:03,214
Oh, I paid for it.

146
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:06,714
But you got to admit, there is an upside
to breaking The Platinum Rule.

147
00:07:06,914 --> 00:07:09,714
Like maybe as her boyfriend,
I could get a discount on treatments.

148
00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:12,514
Oh, Ted.
Of course there's an upside.

149
00:07:12,614 --> 00:07:14,814
At first. That's Step 4.

150
00:07:15,314 --> 00:07:16,614
Perks.

151
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,714
<i>We can split a cab
to work together.</i>

152
00:07:18,714 --> 00:07:20,414
We always have
a standing lunch date.

153
00:07:20,614 --> 00:07:22,314
And last night,
at the hockey game,

154
00:07:22,514 --> 00:07:26,214
Curt got us into the locker room,
and I met Mason Raymond.

155
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,714
Left Wing for the
Vancouver Canucks.

156
00:07:29,714 --> 00:07:31,814
What's the opposite
of name-dropping?

157
00:07:32,514 --> 00:07:34,414
Damn it, you guys.
Be psyched.

158
00:07:34,514 --> 00:07:37,814
Yes, we see each other every day,
but I think it's going really well.

159
00:07:38,314 --> 00:07:39,514
That's what we thought.

160
00:07:40,114 --> 00:07:42,914
And it's so convenient.
They're right across the hall.

161
00:07:43,214 --> 00:07:47,114
Say it's Sunday, and we want to have
a brunch double date with someone?

162
00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:48,614
We just go across the hall.

163
00:07:48,614 --> 00:07:52,314
And say we want to have
a dinner party exploring the wine

164
00:07:52,414 --> 00:07:54,014
and cuisine of France's
Loire Valley?

165
00:07:54,114 --> 00:07:55,814
We just go across the hall.

166
00:07:55,814 --> 00:07:58,114
Say we want to play
a game of charades...

167
00:08:07,414 --> 00:08:09,014
You just go
across the hall?

168
00:08:09,914 --> 00:08:12,114
Come on, people.
Get excited for us.

169
00:08:12,314 --> 00:08:14,514
We've got a great thing
going here.

170
00:08:14,814 --> 00:08:16,114
That's what I thought.

171
00:08:16,314 --> 00:08:18,414
- Dude, you got to flick it.
- You don't...

172
00:08:18,514 --> 00:08:19,514
Hi, sweetie.

173
00:08:19,614 --> 00:08:21,814
I had the kitchen whip
these up, no charge.

174
00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:27,214
Okay, bye.

175
00:08:27,714 --> 00:08:30,114
I mean, not bye.
I'm not leaving.

176
00:08:30,514 --> 00:08:32,014
I'll be over there.

177
00:08:37,614 --> 00:08:39,914
Come on, guys.
Free nachos.

178
00:08:41,414 --> 00:08:42,414
What?

179
00:08:42,914 --> 00:08:45,014
- We like this bar.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

180
00:08:45,114 --> 00:08:46,914
- Nay, we love this bar.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

181
00:08:46,914 --> 00:08:48,814
- This bar is like home to us.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

182
00:08:48,814 --> 00:08:50,214
You're killing the bar.

183
00:08:50,314 --> 00:08:52,614
I am not killing the bar.

184
00:08:52,914 --> 00:08:56,014
Wendy the Waitress has seen
how I operate in this place.

185
00:08:56,114 --> 00:08:58,414
It is perfectly clear
to everyone involved

186
00:08:58,514 --> 00:09:00,914
that this is nothing more
than a temporary fling.

187
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,114
It's fine.

188
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:10,014
But it wasn't.

189
00:09:10,614 --> 00:09:11,814
It's fine.

190
00:09:12,414 --> 00:09:13,714
But it wasn't.

191
00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:15,614
It's fine.

192
00:09:16,214 --> 00:09:17,614
But it wasn't.

193
00:09:18,114 --> 00:09:20,014
Which brings us to Step 5:

194
00:09:20,214 --> 00:09:21,514
The tipping point

195
00:09:21,614 --> 00:09:24,214
...but he should be back
on the mound by spring training.

196
00:09:24,414 --> 00:09:26,714
And that's sports.
Back to you, Robin.

197
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:29,214
Thanks, Iron Man.
We'll be right back.

198
00:09:29,514 --> 00:09:30,714
<i>And clear.</i>

199
00:09:31,114 --> 00:09:33,214
So want to do
something later?

200
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:35,614
Oh, so you're talking to me now?

201
00:09:36,014 --> 00:09:37,714
What are you talking about?

202
00:09:38,314 --> 00:09:40,114
I'm talking about last night.

203
00:09:40,214 --> 00:09:41,914
You said you'd call
and you didn't.

204
00:09:42,014 --> 00:09:44,614
I missed you and I waited up,
but you didn't call.

205
00:09:44,814 --> 00:09:46,214
That really hurt.

206
00:09:47,114 --> 00:09:50,914
Um, I'm-I'm sorry,
I-I guess I just forgot.

207
00:09:52,114 --> 00:09:54,914
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I don't wanna fight tonight.

208
00:09:55,514 --> 00:09:58,014
It's our first weekiversary.

209
00:10:04,314 --> 00:10:05,514
Hey, Wendy,

210
00:10:05,614 --> 00:10:07,614
uh, do me a favor and
send a glass of champagne

211
00:10:07,714 --> 00:10:09,014
to that pretty young thing
over there.

212
00:10:09,214 --> 00:10:10,114
What?

213
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,614
Over there.

214
00:10:16,314 --> 00:10:17,214
You.

215
00:10:17,514 --> 00:10:19,914
You're the pretty young thing...

216
00:10:20,014 --> 00:10:21,814
is what I meant.

217
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,914
Champagne? Would you? On me.

218
00:10:25,214 --> 00:10:26,614
Oh. Okay.

219
00:10:26,814 --> 00:10:28,014
Thanks, sweetie.

220
00:10:28,614 --> 00:10:31,314
Okay. All right.

221
00:10:36,314 --> 00:10:37,214
Hey, neighbors.

222
00:10:37,314 --> 00:10:40,014
We bought all the fixings
for a Mexican fiesta.

223
00:10:41,914 --> 00:10:43,814
Well, we actually
have tickets...

224
00:10:43,914 --> 00:10:45,614
And no fiesta would
be complete without...

225
00:10:45,614 --> 00:10:47,014
Dude, actually,
we made other plans, so...

226
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:49,614
Okay. One word.
Two syllables.

227
00:10:49,814 --> 00:10:50,614
Sounds like...

228
00:10:53,414 --> 00:10:54,514
..."parade." Charades.

229
00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:56,714
- Charades.
- What do you say?

230
00:11:07,714 --> 00:11:11,214
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

231
00:11:14,092 --> 00:11:15,592
Which brings us to Step 6.

232
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,892
Yeah, listen, I'm leaving so,

233
00:11:16,892 --> 00:11:18,392
if you want to write
the rest of these down,

234
00:11:18,392 --> 00:11:19,892
I will read it tomorrow.

235
00:11:20,692 --> 00:11:23,492
- Don't do this, Ted.
- You want to get out of the way?

236
00:11:23,592 --> 00:11:26,292
Don't do this, Ted.
Don't.

237
00:11:28,092 --> 00:11:29,292
It was perfect!

238
00:11:29,492 --> 00:11:31,092
You're such a jerk.

239
00:11:31,292 --> 00:11:33,292
Which brings us
to Step 6.

240
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,492
You finally realize
you've made a huge mistake

241
00:11:35,592 --> 00:11:38,792
and now you have to live with it.
Step 6 is called Purg...

242
00:11:38,992 --> 00:11:39,992
Wait for it.

243
00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:41,492
Keep waiting...

244
00:11:41,892 --> 00:11:46,092
keep waiting for all eternity only
to discover there's no escape... atory.

245
00:11:47,292 --> 00:11:49,292
God, I'm such an idiot.

246
00:11:50,092 --> 00:11:50,992
Yeah.

247
00:11:51,692 --> 00:11:54,092
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons

248
00:11:54,292 --> 00:11:56,492
keeps leaving me
love notes on Post-Its.

249
00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:58,792
On the teleprompter,
on my desk,

250
00:11:58,792 --> 00:12:01,692
on the coffee-maker,
on the jar of sugar packets

251
00:12:01,792 --> 00:12:03,592
next to the coffee-maker.

252
00:12:03,992 --> 00:12:05,992
"Here's some sugar
for my sugar."

253
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,392
The Iron Man.

254
00:12:10,792 --> 00:12:12,092
I remember that.

255
00:12:12,192 --> 00:12:13,892
God, we are such idiots.

256
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:14,892
Yup.

257
00:12:14,992 --> 00:12:18,592
Every time we step out the door,
they're out there waiting for us.

258
00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:21,792
Sometimes, we'll send Ted out
first as a scout.

259
00:12:21,892 --> 00:12:22,992
Nobody's there.

260
00:12:23,192 --> 00:12:26,092
Then we'll go out one second
later, and there they are.

261
00:12:26,192 --> 00:12:28,492
It's freakin' supernatural.
Are they ghosts?

262
00:12:28,592 --> 00:12:29,492
Can only we see them?

263
00:12:29,592 --> 00:12:32,392
"Hey, neighbor. Hey, neighbor.
Hey, neighbor." Oh.

264
00:12:34,892 --> 00:12:36,092
I remember that.

265
00:12:36,092 --> 00:12:38,892
How could you guys let me date
Wendy the Waitress?

266
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,192
- Oh, you are kidding me.
- What?!

267
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,392
- Don't kill the bar, dude.
- We said, "Don't do it."

268
00:12:52,292 --> 00:12:54,092
My own bar.

269
00:12:54,392 --> 00:12:57,792
I can't hit on women
in my own bar.

270
00:12:57,992 --> 00:13:00,292
Remember the old Barney?
He's a lion,

271
00:13:00,392 --> 00:13:04,092
the king of the jungle,
stalking whatever prey he chose,

272
00:13:04,092 --> 00:13:06,492
going in for the kill.

273
00:13:06,592 --> 00:13:09,392
You've got a whole meat locker at home
full of corpses, don't you?

274
00:13:09,592 --> 00:13:10,792
Now look at me.

275
00:13:10,992 --> 00:13:13,392
Declawed. Neutered.

276
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:16,492
What was once
my jungle is now my zoo.

277
00:13:16,592 --> 00:13:20,592
And I am forced to mate
with the same old lioness

278
00:13:20,692 --> 00:13:23,492
again and again and again,

279
00:13:23,592 --> 00:13:25,892
while families pay to watch.

280
00:13:26,092 --> 00:13:28,392
Yeah, this metaphor's really
falling apart.

281
00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:33,392
Put a bell around my neck
and scratch my belly, kids,

282
00:13:33,592 --> 00:13:37,692
for I am just
a docile housecat now.

283
00:13:39,392 --> 00:13:40,892
Meow.

284
00:13:41,792 --> 00:13:43,492
Well, we love this bar.

285
00:13:43,592 --> 00:13:46,092
You can't dump her.
Marry her if you have to.

286
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,892
Wendy the Waitress-Hyphen-Stinson.

287
00:13:49,492 --> 00:13:51,492
Don't kill the bar, dude.

288
00:13:54,892 --> 00:13:56,592
And so, inevitably,

289
00:13:56,592 --> 00:13:59,092
you have to do the thing
you've been dreading all along.

290
00:13:59,292 --> 00:14:03,692
Now, a relationship-ectomy
is a delicate surgery as it is,

291
00:14:03,792 --> 00:14:05,492
but in the case of
the Platinum Rule,

292
00:14:05,592 --> 00:14:08,692
it takes a very, very
steady hand,

293
00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:10,892
and that's Step 7:

294
00:14:11,192 --> 00:14:14,192
Confrontation.

295
00:14:16,192 --> 00:14:17,592
Curt...

296
00:14:18,092 --> 00:14:19,392
... we need to talk.

297
00:14:20,892 --> 00:14:21,992
I like you...

298
00:14:22,092 --> 00:14:23,792
Guys, we like you a lot...

299
00:14:23,892 --> 00:14:25,192
I don't like you.

300
00:14:26,592 --> 00:14:29,392
We're pretending this works,
but it doesn't.

301
00:14:29,692 --> 00:14:31,792
And I'm getting a little
sick of the whole charade.

302
00:14:31,892 --> 00:14:33,692
We're getting
a little sick of charades.

303
00:14:33,792 --> 00:14:35,992
I mean, I don't like you
that way.

304
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,792
I used to like
you that way.

305
00:14:37,892 --> 00:14:39,792
But now that I've seen everything
there is to see,

306
00:14:39,892 --> 00:14:42,492
I don't know, I kind of want
to see those same parts

307
00:14:42,492 --> 00:14:44,592
just, on other girls.

308
00:14:44,792 --> 00:14:49,192
So maybe, we could go back
to just being coworkers.

309
00:14:50,092 --> 00:14:52,892
Maybe we should just go
back to being neighbors.

310
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:56,092
Other girls and you,
if you're into that.

311
00:14:56,292 --> 00:14:58,392
But the other girls
have to be there, too.

312
00:14:58,992 --> 00:15:01,092
That's the important part.

313
00:15:01,792 --> 00:15:06,592
Gosh, you're just terrified of ever
getting close to anyone, aren't you?

314
00:15:07,392 --> 00:15:09,592
Or that.
Let's say it's that.

315
00:15:11,592 --> 00:15:13,392
So can I get a gin and tonic?

316
00:15:14,492 --> 00:15:17,192
And in any other relationship,
that would be it.

317
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,392
End of story.

318
00:15:18,492 --> 00:15:20,792
But because you have
to see this person again,

319
00:15:20,892 --> 00:15:22,492
there's a Step 8:

320
00:15:22,692 --> 00:15:24,092
Fallout.

321
00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:28,492
And now, here's
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons with sports.

322
00:15:28,692 --> 00:15:30,092
Curt?

323
00:15:33,292 --> 00:15:34,392
Curt?

324
00:15:40,692 --> 00:15:42,492
Well, the Knicks lost.

325
00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:44,292
It's sad, really.

326
00:15:44,492 --> 00:15:45,992
They had a real shot.

327
00:15:46,392 --> 00:15:49,892
Then, out of nowhere,
game over.

328
00:15:50,592 --> 00:15:51,992
And why?

329
00:15:52,992 --> 00:15:54,292
Why, Robin?

330
00:15:55,392 --> 00:15:58,992
Uh, well, their perimeter shooting
has been a little bit off this season...

331
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,592
The Knicks lost because
they were afraid of getting hurt.

332
00:16:01,692 --> 00:16:03,292
So they didn't even try.

333
00:16:03,492 --> 00:16:05,092
Well, you know what I think?

334
00:16:05,792 --> 00:16:06,692
I think

335
00:16:06,792 --> 00:16:09,192
the Knicks didn't deserve
my love to begin with.

336
00:16:10,192 --> 00:16:11,592
The Knicks suck.

337
00:16:17,792 --> 00:16:19,392
And that's sports.

338
00:16:20,692 --> 00:16:22,692
<i>- Do you see anything?
- I think we're clear.</i>

339
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,392
Okay, go, go, go!

340
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:35,092
- That was close.
- Too close.

341
00:16:36,992 --> 00:16:39,192
You've got to be kidding me.
What do we do?

342
00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:40,592
I have no idea.

343
00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:45,292
Guys, are you there? I forgot
my keys. Can you open up?

344
00:16:45,792 --> 00:16:46,992
It's just Ted.

345
00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:48,292
Wait!

346
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:53,592
Hello?
Guys?

347
00:17:00,992 --> 00:17:03,692
Baby, we only have one choice.

348
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,492
Okay, hurry! Michael
and Laura are probably...

349
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:09,992
Hey, neighbors.

350
00:17:12,392 --> 00:17:15,392
Barney, I just want you to know,
I have no hard feelings.

351
00:17:15,692 --> 00:17:18,292
It wasn't the best idea
for us to get involved.

352
00:17:18,592 --> 00:17:20,592
I hope we can still be friends.

353
00:17:21,092 --> 00:17:23,092
Thanks, Wendy.
Of course we can.

354
00:17:23,192 --> 00:17:25,192
If you need anything else,
let me know.

355
00:17:27,892 --> 00:17:30,692
I've got to hand it to Wendy the
Waitress, that was very mature of her.

356
00:17:30,992 --> 00:17:32,792
She's gonna try to kill me.

357
00:17:34,092 --> 00:17:35,192
This is poisoned.

358
00:17:35,392 --> 00:17:37,492
- What? You're being ridiculous.
- Yours is poisoned, too.

359
00:17:37,992 --> 00:17:39,892
She's trying to kill me
and everyone close to me.

360
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,792
What are you talking about?

361
00:17:41,892 --> 00:17:45,792
Look at the facts, I dump her
and she says, "No hard feelings."

362
00:17:46,892 --> 00:17:49,292
She's a psycho!
What other explanation is there?

363
00:17:49,492 --> 00:17:51,792
Uh, that you're letting yourself
believe she's crazy

364
00:17:51,792 --> 00:17:53,992
so you don't have to face the far
more likely possibility that

365
00:17:53,992 --> 00:17:56,192
she doesn't want
to date you either?

366
00:17:57,892 --> 00:17:59,592
Where did Marshall
get that hamburger?

367
00:17:59,792 --> 00:18:02,092
I don't know, I guess Wendy
the Waitress brought it to him.

368
00:18:02,592 --> 00:18:06,292
Nooooooo!

369
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,492
Dude.

370
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,092
You're welcome.

371
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:16,792
Wait a second.

372
00:18:16,992 --> 00:18:18,392
You've been sitting here,

373
00:18:18,592 --> 00:18:21,392
pretending to be
the expert on all this,

374
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:24,792
but the truth is, there was no
real fallout from your breakup at all?

375
00:18:25,492 --> 00:18:26,792
Yet.

376
00:18:26,992 --> 00:18:27,992
You're an idiot.

377
00:18:28,492 --> 00:18:29,692
All right, I'm taking off.

378
00:18:29,792 --> 00:18:31,892
- What?!
- I have a date.

379
00:18:34,892 --> 00:18:36,392
You are such a jerk!

380
00:18:36,492 --> 00:18:38,792
Ted, have you not
been listening?

381
00:18:38,892 --> 00:18:42,392
Attraction, bargaining, submission,
perks, tipping point,

382
00:18:42,392 --> 00:18:44,292
purgatory,
confrontation, fallout!

383
00:18:44,392 --> 00:18:47,392
These things will all happen to you
as surely as they happened to all of us!

384
00:18:47,492 --> 00:18:48,892
It's a rule of nature!

385
00:18:48,992 --> 00:18:52,092
Well, I'm sick of all the rules!
There's too many of them!

386
00:18:52,192 --> 00:18:55,192
The Hot/Crazy Scale, the Lemon Law,
the Platinum Rule...

387
00:18:55,292 --> 00:18:57,892
If everyone in the world followed
every one of your rules,

388
00:18:57,992 --> 00:19:00,292
the human race
would cease to exist.

389
00:19:00,492 --> 00:19:01,892
Yes, chances are

390
00:19:01,992 --> 00:19:04,492
Stella and I are not going
to live happily ever after.

391
00:19:04,592 --> 00:19:07,192
The overwhelming odds
have it ending badly.

392
00:19:07,292 --> 00:19:10,792
And when that happens, it'll be
for one of a million possible reasons.

393
00:19:10,992 --> 00:19:12,792
But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna try.

394
00:19:12,992 --> 00:19:15,392
And when it does fail,
so help me God,

395
00:19:15,592 --> 00:19:18,492
it's not gonna
be because of some rule.

396
00:19:20,892 --> 00:19:21,892
P.S.

397
00:19:22,592 --> 00:19:24,592
you just made my hair
look awesome.

398
00:19:25,292 --> 00:19:26,592
Good night.

399
00:19:28,692 --> 00:19:30,792
<i>So Stella and I went
on our date.</i>

400
00:19:30,892 --> 00:19:32,292
<i>But here's the funny thing:</i>

401
00:19:32,292 --> 00:19:34,792
<i>turns out,
it wasn't actually a date.</i>

402
00:19:35,792 --> 00:19:37,192
So what do you mean
"it wasn't a date"?

403
00:19:37,792 --> 00:19:40,192
She thought we were seeing
a movie just as friends.

404
00:19:40,292 --> 00:19:41,392
Why would she think that?

405
00:19:41,492 --> 00:19:43,692
Did she see your tattoo
and assume you were gay?

406
00:19:44,192 --> 00:19:47,292
Apparently, there's a rule
that says I can't date Stella.

407
00:19:47,292 --> 00:19:49,792
Exactly: the Platinum Rule.

408
00:19:49,892 --> 00:19:51,192
Stella reads my blog.

409
00:19:51,492 --> 00:19:53,892
No, this rule comes from the
American Medical Association.

410
00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:56,392
Doctors aren't legally allowed
to date their patients.

411
00:19:56,492 --> 00:19:58,292
Oh, sorry, Ted.

412
00:19:58,492 --> 00:19:59,592
It's okay.

413
00:20:00,292 --> 00:20:01,892
What are you guys watching?

414
00:20:02,092 --> 00:20:04,592
<i>So that was the end of the story
between me and Stella,</i>

415
00:20:04,692 --> 00:20:06,492
<i>at least for the time being.</i>

416
00:20:06,592 --> 00:20:09,192
<i>But I don't know, looking back
on the Platinum Rule,</i>

417
00:20:09,392 --> 00:20:10,992
<i>I think there's a ninth step.</i>

418
00:20:11,092 --> 00:20:12,692
<i>We'll call it Coexistence.</i>

419
00:20:13,292 --> 00:20:15,292
<i>It's the moment you realize
that all that anger</i>

420
00:20:15,292 --> 00:20:17,092
<i>and resentment
just isn't useful.</i>

421
00:20:17,192 --> 00:20:19,492
- Thanks for watching.
- Good night.

422
00:20:21,792 --> 00:20:23,492
<i>And you start to let go of it.</i>

423
00:20:23,592 --> 00:20:24,992
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.

424
00:20:25,192 --> 00:20:27,392
So what do you guys
have going on tonight?

425
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,092
We're going to have
a few friends over.

426
00:20:29,092 --> 00:20:30,192
Gonna play some charades.

427
00:20:30,992 --> 00:20:32,292
Have fun.

428
00:20:34,892 --> 00:20:36,492
<i>And move on with your life.</i>

429
00:20:37,692 --> 00:20:39,292
<i>It just takes a while.</i>

430
00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:40,592
On the house.

431
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:42,692
Thanks.