1
00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:02,900
Oh, my God!

2
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:04,800
I have a tattoo.

3
00:00:04,835 --> 00:00:06,200
Oh, that's not a tattoo.

4
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,000
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.

5
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:10,300
A tramp stamp.

6
00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:12,900
Kids, too often in life,

7
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,400
we make decisions that we're
not prepared to live with.

8
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,600
This is a story about those decisions,

9
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:21,500
and the consequences that follow.

10
00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:25,400
Say good-bye, kids,

11
00:00:25,435 --> 00:00:27,200
'cause it won't be around much longer.

12
00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,100
Oh, but Ted, if you get
rid of the butterfly,

13
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,300
how's everyone gonna know

14
00:00:30,335 --> 00:00:32,400
you're a stripper from Reno
with Daddy issues?

15
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,100
Yes, yes,
enjoy these

16
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,800
final moments of mockery

17
00:00:36,835 --> 00:00:40,300
because in just ten surprisingly
expensive sessions,

18
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,400
Stella is gonna zap that butterfly

19
00:00:42,435 --> 00:00:43,900
right off the face of my lower back.

20
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,100
Stella?
Dr. Stella Zinman.

21
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,200
She's the best in the business.

22
00:00:47,235 --> 00:00:48,100
And she's rather cute.

23
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,200
In fact... we're going
to a movie together tonight.

24
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,200
What?
I asked her out.

25
00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,600
Oy. Oh. Ted, why would you do that?

26
00:00:54,635 --> 00:00:55,900
What's the matter with you?
What?

27
00:00:55,935 --> 00:00:56,900
What do you mean?
Dude...

28
00:00:57,700 --> 00:00:58,900
don't poop where you eat.

29
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,500
Oh, no, this doesn't count.

30
00:01:01,535 --> 00:01:03,400
If it's someone you
see on a regular basis,

31
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:04,400
and you can't avoid them...

32
00:01:04,435 --> 00:01:06,200
And in this case,
you're paying them...

33
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,500
then yes, it counts.

34
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:08,500
Ted,

35
00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,100
you've heard of the Golden Rule, right?

36
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,500
"Love thy neighbor?"

37
00:01:11,535 --> 00:01:12,800
Uh, actually,
it's "Do unto others

38
00:01:12,835 --> 00:01:13,700
as you would have them do unto you. "

39
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:15,600
It's from the Bible.

40
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,500
Damn it, Ted, I've worked out
this whole thing

41
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,100
where the Golden Rule is
"Love thy neighbor, "

44
00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:27,500
But there's one rule above it:

45
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,100
the Platinum Rule: Mmm.

46
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:34,200
"Never ever, ever, ever,
lovethy neighbor. "

47
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:35,800
Well, that's cute.

48
00:01:35,835 --> 00:01:37,600
But she's not my neighbor;
she's my doctor.

49
00:01:37,635 --> 00:01:39,100
So if you'll excuse me... Wait, Ted,

50
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,000
Barney has a point.

51
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:40,800
Remember what happened

52
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:42,700
with me and Curt down at the station?

53
00:01:42,735 --> 00:01:43,700
Oh, yeah, and remember
what happened with us

54
00:01:43,735 --> 00:01:45,000
and the Gerards across the hall?

55
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,000
Need I remind you

56
00:01:46,035 --> 00:01:47,700
about me and Wendy the Waitress?

57
00:01:47,735 --> 00:01:48,800
Yeah, I don't have time for this.

58
00:01:48,835 --> 00:01:51,800
I'm out the door as soon
as I'm finished with my hair.

59
00:01:51,835 --> 00:01:53,400
Good, then we've got a solid half hour.

60
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,800
And in that time, we will convince you

61
00:01:56,835 --> 00:01:58,500
not to set foot out that door.

62
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,200
It's a story older than time, my friend,

63
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:04,000
and it always plays out
in the same eight steps.

64
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,100
Step 1: Attraction.

65
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:10,200
No, that's not possible. It's true.

66
00:02:10,235 --> 00:02:11,000
That's not even possible.

67
00:02:11,035 --> 00:02:12,100
12 of them.
There's no way.

68
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,500
Hi, Barney.
Hey.

69
00:02:13,535 --> 00:02:15,000
Here's your gin and tonic. Thanks.

70
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:16,400
Oh, gosh.
Look at that.

71
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,200
Oh, hi!
Hi. You must be our new neighbors.

72
00:02:25,235 --> 00:02:26,300
I'm Michael.
And I'm Laura.

73
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,500
Oh, hi, welcome to the building. Yeah.

74
00:02:28,535 --> 00:02:30,400
Do you guys know any good
brunch places around here?

75
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:32,800
We love brunch!

76
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,100
You must be Robin.

77
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:39,600
Mmm.

78
00:02:39,635 --> 00:02:40,700
Yeah.

79
00:02:40,735 --> 00:02:41,900
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons.

80
00:02:41,935 --> 00:02:43,200
I'm gonna be doing sports.

81
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,000
Oh. Welcome.

82
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:46,700
You look really familiar.

83
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,200
Are you a former athlete?

84
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,500
Hockey.

85
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,300
The attraction is

86
00:02:51,335 --> 00:02:53,400
instant and undeniable.

87
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:55,100
But you know better.

88
00:02:55,135 --> 00:02:57,500
You've seen your friends
make the same mistakes before.

89
00:02:57,535 --> 00:02:59,300
You've laughed smugly at them.

90
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:01,700
Idiots.

91
00:03:01,735 --> 00:03:04,700
But still, you think,
"This is different.

92
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,000
The Platinum Rule doesn't apply to me. "

93
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:08,900
And that's Step 2.

94
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:10,200
Bargaining.

95
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,300
I think I've got

96
00:03:12,335 --> 00:03:14,000
a little crush on our sports guy. No.

97
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:15,900
No, don't do it.
No, no, no, no.

98
00:03:15,935 --> 00:03:17,000
I know, I know.

99
00:03:17,035 --> 00:03:19,200
But he used to play hockey,
and I'm a Canadian.

100
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,700
I can't help it.

101
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:21,700
If he were missing some teeth,

102
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,400
I probably would've already hit that.

103
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,200
Robin, it's a mistake.

104
00:03:26,235 --> 00:03:27,600
Remember what happened
with me and Marshall?

105
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,200
The Gerards across the hall?

106
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:30,900
Michael and Laura.

107
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,000
They're awesome!

108
00:03:32,035 --> 00:03:34,000
We're gonna invite them over for dinner.

109
00:03:34,035 --> 00:03:35,000
No! No! Really? Are you insane?

110
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,100
Guys, guys, guys,

111
00:03:36,135 --> 00:03:37,400
this is New York City.

112
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,400
You don't get close to the neighbors.

113
00:03:39,435 --> 00:03:41,500
You nod at them politely in the hall.

114
00:03:41,535 --> 00:03:42,900
You call the cops if you haven't seen

115
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:43,700
them in a while

116
00:03:43,735 --> 00:03:45,300
and you smell something
funny, and that is it.

117
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:46,800
We're not gonna date them.

118
00:03:46,835 --> 00:03:48,200
We're just gonna be friends with them.

119
00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:50,700
That's the couples version of dating.

120
00:03:50,735 --> 00:03:52,900
And you've got the couples
version of the hots for them.

121
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:54,200
Oh, yeah,

122
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,000
you want to eat brunch with them.

123
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,800
You want to browse
at Pottery Barn with them.

124
00:03:59,000 --> 00:03:59,900
You want to go antiquing
with them, don't you?

125
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:02,000
Oh, yeah,

126
00:04:02,035 --> 00:04:04,100
you want to antique
the crap out of them.

127
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,300
Need I remind you

128
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,900
what happened with me
and Wendy the Waitress?

129
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,100
No!Don't do it!
Request denied!

130
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,300
What rule is there

131
00:04:15,335 --> 00:04:16,700
that says I can't seduce the waitress

132
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:17,800
at my favorite bar?

133
00:04:17,835 --> 00:04:20,200
I don't know. I'd expect you
to have one already.

134
00:04:20,235 --> 00:04:21,700
Yeah, with some sort of catchy name.

135
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,400
Well, I don't.

136
00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:25,400
I don't have one and I never will be

137
00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:26,600
because it's a great idea.

138
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,700
Come on, guys.

139
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,800
She's gullible.
I'm bored.

140
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:31,400
We're perfect for each other.

141
00:04:31,435 --> 00:04:32,400
Barney.

142
00:04:32,435 --> 00:04:34,000
We love this bar.

143
00:04:34,035 --> 00:04:35,200
If you screw over Wendy the Waitress,

144
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,300
you're going to kill the bar.

145
00:04:37,335 --> 00:04:38,800
Bar-killer. Don't kill the bar, dude.

146
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,800
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

147
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,700
And it was a huge mistake.

148
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,400
Yeah, well, I think it'll be okay.

149
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,200
And it was a huge mistake.

150
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,600
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

151
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,600
And it was a huge mistake.

152
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,300
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

153
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,300
Trust Me

154
00:05:18,335 --> 00:05:19,600
You don't want to do this.

155
00:05:19,635 --> 00:05:21,500
Look, Stella and I are both adults.

156
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,700
We're both smart, mature people

157
00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,000
capable of making good decisions.

158
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,800
You have a butterfly tramp stamp.

159
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,100
We're just seeing a movie.

160
00:05:30,135 --> 00:05:32,200
If it seems at all weird,
I'll back off.

161
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,800
That's what everyone thinks.

162
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,800
And then along comes Step 3:

163
00:05:36,835 --> 00:05:37,600
Submission.

164
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,500
Night.

165
00:05:40,535 --> 00:05:41,700
Hey, Barney.

166
00:05:41,735 --> 00:05:44,000
Carl had to take off.
You mind giving me a hand?

167
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:46,800
Not at all.

168
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:49,700
Robin.
Mmm?

169
00:05:49,735 --> 00:05:51,900
I got two tickets to
the Rangers Center ice.

170
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,300
Want to go?

171
00:05:55,335 --> 00:05:57,900
And then we discover the movers
lost all our kitchen boxes.

172
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,800
We don't have a single pot or pan.

173
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:01,200
Guess we're ordering take-out.

174
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,000
Want to have dinner with us tonight?

175
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:30,700
- I love them.
- Me, too.

176
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,100
Wow.

177
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,500
That was an interesting use
of the beverage gun.

178
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,500
Club soda can get anything off.

179
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,700
It finally happened.

180
00:06:48,735 --> 00:06:49,600
All this time,

181
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,100
every drink I brought you...

182
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,300
I always felt there was this
unspoken connection between us.

183
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,200
And I was right.

184
00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:01,400
Hey, can I get a gin and tonic?

185
00:07:01,435 --> 00:07:03,300
See, I bet you didn't pay
for that gin and tonic.

186
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:06,400
Oh, I paid for it.

187
00:07:06,435 --> 00:07:08,100
But you got to admit,
there is an upside

188
00:07:08,135 --> 00:07:08,900
to breaking The Platinum Rule.

189
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,400
Like maybe as her boyfriend,

190
00:07:10,435 --> 00:07:11,900
I could get a discount on treatments.

191
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,300
Oh, Ted.

192
00:07:13,335 --> 00:07:14,700
Of course there's an upside.

193
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,200
At first.

194
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,300
That's Step 4. Perks.

195
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,800
We can split a cab to work together.

196
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,800
We always have a standing lunch date.

197
00:07:22,835 --> 00:07:24,900
And last night,
at the hockey game,

198
00:07:24,935 --> 00:07:26,100
Curt got us into the locker room,

199
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,700
and I met Mason Raymond.

200
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,800
Left Wing for the Vancouver Canucks.

201
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,000
What's the opposite of name-dropping?

202
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:35,900
Damn it, you guys.

203
00:07:35,935 --> 00:07:36,700
Be psyched.

204
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,300
Yes, we see each other every day,

205
00:07:38,335 --> 00:07:40,000
but I think it's going really well.

206
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,100
That's what we thought.

207
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,800
And it's so convenient.

208
00:07:43,835 --> 00:07:45,100
They're right across the hall.

209
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,000
Say it's Sunday,

210
00:07:47,035 --> 00:07:48,700
and we want to have a brunch double date

211
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:49,300
with someone?

212
00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:50,800
We just go across the hall.

213
00:07:50,835 --> 00:07:52,900
And say we want to have a dinner party

214
00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:54,900
exploring the wine and cuisine

215
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,200
of France's Loire Valley?

216
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:57,600
We just go across the hall.

217
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,200
Say we want to play
a game of charades...

218
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,200
You just go across the hall?

219
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,700
Come on, people.
Get excited for us.

220
00:08:14,735 --> 00:08:16,300
We've got a great thing going here.

221
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,800
That's what I thought.

222
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:19,900
Dude, you got to flick it. You don't...

223
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:21,900
Hi, sweetie.

224
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,900
I had the kitchen whip
these up, no charge.

225
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,900
Okay.

226
00:08:28,935 --> 00:08:30,100
Bye.

227
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,900
I mean, not bye.
I'm not leaving.

228
00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:35,000
I'll be over there.

229
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:37,400
Okay.

230
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,700
Come on, guys.
Free nachos.

231
00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:45,400
What?

232
00:08:45,435 --> 00:08:46,200
We like this bar.

233
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:47,300
Don't kill the bar, dude.

234
00:08:47,335 --> 00:08:48,500
Nay, we love this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.

235
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,600
This bar is like home to us.

236
00:08:50,635 --> 00:08:52,100
Don't kill the bar, dude.
You're killing the bar.

237
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,400
I am not killing the bar.

238
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:56,400
Wendy the Waitress

239
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:58,400
has seen how I operate in this place.

240
00:08:58,435 --> 00:08:59,400
It is perfectly clear

241
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,700
to everyone involved

242
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,900
that this is nothing more
than a temporary fling.

243
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,100
It's fine.

244
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:11,600
But it wasn't.

245
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:14,800
It's fine.

246
00:09:14,835 --> 00:09:15,700
But it wasn't.

247
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,700
It's fine.

248
00:09:18,735 --> 00:09:19,500
But it wasn't.

249
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,200
Which brings us to Step 5:

250
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,000
THE TIPPING POINT

251
00:09:24,035 --> 00:09:24,900
... but he should be back on the mound

252
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,100
by spring training.

253
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,100
And that's sports.

254
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,400
Back to you, Robin.
Thanks, Iron Man.

255
00:09:30,435 --> 00:09:31,200
We'll be right back.

256
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,700
And clear.

257
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,800
So want to do something later?

258
00:09:35,835 --> 00:09:37,500
Oh, so you're talking to me now?

259
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,700
What are you talking about?

260
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,600
I'm talking about last night.

261
00:09:42,635 --> 00:09:44,300
You said you'd call and you didn't.

262
00:09:44,335 --> 00:09:46,500
I missed you and I waited up,
but you didn't call.

263
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:48,800
That really hurt.

264
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:50,400
Oh.

265
00:09:50,435 --> 00:09:53,100
Um, I'm sorry,
I- I guess I just forgot.

266
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,600
I'm sorry, sweetie.

267
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,100
I don't want to fight tonight.

268
00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:59,600
It's our first weekiversary.

269
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,900
On my suggestion,
you flip it.

270
00:10:04,935 --> 00:10:06,200
Why would you flip it? It doesn't...

271
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:08,500
Hey, Wendy, uh,
do me a favor

272
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:09,800
and send a glass of champagne

273
00:10:09,835 --> 00:10:11,100
to that pretty young thing over there.

274
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,900
What?

275
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,700
Over there.

276
00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:19,900
You.

277
00:10:19,935 --> 00:10:21,900
You're the pretty young thing...

278
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:23,700
is what I meant.

279
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,700
Champagne? Would you? On me.

280
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:28,900
Oh. Okay.

281
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,200
Thanks, sweetie.

282
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:32,800
Okay.

283
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,600
All right.

284
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:39,700
Hey, neighbors.

285
00:10:39,735 --> 00:10:42,400
We bought all the fixings
for a Mexican fiesta.

286
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:43,900
Oh.

287
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,200
Um, well, we actually have tickets...

288
00:10:46,235 --> 00:10:48,000
And no fiesta would
be complete without...

289
00:10:48,035 --> 00:10:49,200
Dude, actually,
we made other plans, so...

290
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,100
Okay. One word.

291
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:55,300
Two syllables.
Sounds like...

292
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:56,900
... "parade. " Charades.

293
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:57,700
Charades.

294
00:10:57,735 --> 00:10:58,300
What do you say?

295
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:11,800
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

296
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,400
which brings us to Step 6.

297
00:11:17,435 --> 00:11:18,200
Yeah, listen,
I'm leaving.

298
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:19,800
So if you want to write
the rest of these down,

299
00:11:19,835 --> 00:11:21,300
I will read it tomorrow.

300
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,400
Don't do this, Ted.

301
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,400
You want to get out of the way?

302
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,100
Don't do this, Ted.
All right.

303
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,200
Don't.

304
00:11:29,235 --> 00:11:30,300
Dude! Gah!

305
00:11:30,335 --> 00:11:31,700
It was perfect!

306
00:11:31,735 --> 00:11:32,500
You're such a jerk.

307
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,200
Which brings us to Step 6.

308
00:11:35,235 --> 00:11:37,400
You finally realize
you've made a huge mistake

309
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:38,400
and now you have to live with it.

310
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:41,200
Step 6 is called Purg...
Wait for it.

311
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,400
Keep waiting...

312
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,000
keep waiting for all eternity

313
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,800
only to discover there's
no escape-- atory.

314
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,000
God, I'm such

315
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,000
an idiot.

316
00:11:52,035 --> 00:11:52,800
Yeah.

317
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,600
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons

318
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,500
keeps leaving me love notes on Post-Its.

319
00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,400
On the teleprompter,
on my desk,

320
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:01,600
on the coffee-maker,

321
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:05,100
on the jar of sugar packets
next to the coffee-maker.

322
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,700
"Here's some sugar for my sugar. "

323
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:08,800
The Iron Man.

324
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,600
I remember that.

325
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,400
God, we are such idiots.

326
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,100
Yup. Every time we step out the door,

327
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,900
they're out there waiting for us.

328
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,300
Sometimes, we'll send Ted out
first as a scout.

329
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:24,700
Nobody's there.

330
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,900
Then we'll go out one second
later, and there they are.

331
00:12:27,935 --> 00:12:29,200
It's freakin' supernatural.

332
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:31,500
Are they ghosts?
Can only we see them?

333
00:12:31,535 --> 00:12:33,300
"Hey, neighbor. " "Hey,
neighbor. " "Hey, neighbor. "

334
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,000
Hmm, I rember that.

335
00:12:38,035 --> 00:12:40,400
How could you guys let me date
Wendy the Waitress?

336
00:12:40,435 --> 00:12:41,200
Oh, you are kidding me.
What?!

337
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,000
Don't kill the bar, dude.
We said, "Don't do it. "

338
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:56,200
My own bar.

339
00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:59,200
I can't hit on women in my own bar.

340
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:00,700
Remember the old Barney?

341
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:03,300
He was a lion,
the king of the jungle,

342
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,600
stalking whatever prey he chose,

343
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,200
going in for the kill.

344
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,700
You've got a whole meat locker at home

345
00:13:09,735 --> 00:13:10,400
full of corpses,
don't you?

346
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,800
Now look at me.

347
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,800
Declawed. Neutered.

348
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,100
What was once

349
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,000
my jungle is now my zoo.

350
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:21,900
And I am forced to mate
with the same old lioness

351
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,900
again and again and again,

352
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,200
while families pay to watch.

353
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:29,400
Yeah, this metaphor's
really falling apart.

354
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:34,700
Put a bell around my neck
and scratch my belly, kids,

355
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:38,900
for I am just a docile housecat now.

356
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:41,900
Meow.

357
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,800
Well, we love this bar.

358
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,200
You can't dump her.

359
00:13:46,235 --> 00:13:47,700
Marry her if you have to.

360
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,700
Wendy the Waitress-Hyphen-Stinson.

361
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,800
Don't kill the bar, dude.

362
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:59,300
And so, inevitably,
you have to do the thing

363
00:13:59,335 --> 00:14:00,500
you've been dreading all along.

364
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,100
Now, a relationship-ectomy

365
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,600
is a delicate surgery as it is,

366
00:14:05,635 --> 00:14:07,000
but in the case of the Platinum Rule,

367
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,800
it takes a very, very
steady hand, and that's

368
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,900
Step 7: Confrontation.

369
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,600
Curt, we need to talk.

370
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:23,300
I like you...

371
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:25,000
Guys, we like you a lot...

372
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:26,600
I don't like you.

373
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,800
We're pretending this works,
but it doesn't.

374
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,400
And I'm getting a little
sick of the whole charade.

375
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,400
We're getting a little sick of charades.

376
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,200
I mean, I don't like you that way.

377
00:14:38,235 --> 00:14:39,500
I used to like you that way.

378
00:14:39,535 --> 00:14:40,500
But now that I've seen everything

379
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,600
there is to see, I don't know,

380
00:14:42,635 --> 00:14:44,100
I kind of want to see those same parts

381
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,200
just on other girls.

382
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:50,700
So maybe, we could go back
to just being coworkers.

383
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,000
Maybe we should just go
back to being neighbors.

384
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,200
Other girls and you,

385
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:57,600
if you're into that.

386
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,100
But the other girls
have to be there, too.

387
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,200
That's the important part.

388
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,900
Gosh, you're just terrified

389
00:15:05,935 --> 00:15:08,200
of ever getting close to anyone,
aren't you?

390
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,800
Or that. Let's say it's that.

391
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,100
So can I get a gin and tonic?

392
00:15:16,135 --> 00:15:17,700
And in any other relationship,

393
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:19,100
that would be it.

394
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,200
End of story.

395
00:15:20,235 --> 00:15:22,200
But because you have
to see this person again,

396
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,100
there's a Step 8: Fallout.

397
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:26,900
And now, here's

398
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,100
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons with sports.

399
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,500
Curt?

400
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,000
Curt?

401
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:43,700
Well, the Knicks lost.

402
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:45,700
It's sad, really.

403
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,200
They had a real shot.

404
00:15:48,235 --> 00:15:51,400
Then, out of nowhere, game over.

405
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,800
And why?

406
00:15:54,835 --> 00:15:55,500
Why, Robin?

407
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,300
Uh, well, their perimeter shooting

408
00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:00,600
has been a little bit off this season...

409
00:16:00,635 --> 00:16:01,700
The Knicks lost because they were

410
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:02,900
afraid of getting hurt.

411
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,500
So they didn't even try.

412
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,300
Well, you know what I think?

413
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,400
I think

414
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,500
the Knicks didn't deserve
my love to begin with.

415
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,300
The Knicks suck.

416
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,600
And that's sports.

417
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:23,600
Do you see anything?

418
00:16:23,635 --> 00:16:27,600
I think we're clear.
okay, go, go, go!

419
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,000
That was close.

420
00:16:36,035 --> 00:16:36,900
Too close.

421
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:39,900
You've got to be kidding me.

422
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,800
- What do we do?
- I have no idea.

423
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,600
Guys, are you there?

424
00:16:45,635 --> 00:16:46,900
I forgot my keys.
Can you open up?

425
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:48,800
It's just Ted.

426
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,700
Wait!

427
00:16:52,735 --> 00:16:56,700
Hello?
Guys?

428
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:05,500
Baby, we only have one choice.

429
00:17:05,535 --> 00:17:08,300
Okay, hurry! Michael
and Laura are probably...

430
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,700
Hey, neighbors.
Yeah.

431
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,100
Barney, I just want you to know,
I have no hard feelings.

432
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:18,600
It wasn't the best idea

433
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:19,700
for us to get involved.

434
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:21,700
I hope we can still be friends.

435
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,300
Thanks, Wendy.
Of course we can.

436
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,400
If you need anything else,
let me know.

437
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:29,700
Wow.

438
00:17:29,735 --> 00:17:30,700
I've got to hand it
to Wendy the Waitress:

439
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:31,700
that was very mature of her.

440
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:33,700
She's gonna try to kill me.

441
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,200
This is poisoned.

442
00:17:37,235 --> 00:17:38,500
What? You're being ridiculous.

443
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:39,800
Yours is poisoned, too.

444
00:17:39,835 --> 00:17:41,300
She's trying to kill me
and everyone close to me.

445
00:17:41,335 --> 00:17:43,400
What are you talking about?
Ted!

446
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:45,300
Look at the facts: I dump her

447
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:46,600
and she says,
"No hard feelings. "

448
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:49,500
She's a psycho!

449
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:50,400
What other explanation is there?

450
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:52,600
Uh, that you're letting yourself

451
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:53,700
believe she's crazy

452
00:17:53,735 --> 00:17:55,400
so you don't have to face
the far more likely possibility

453
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,000
that she doesn't want
to date you either?

454
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,000
Where did Marshall get that hamburger?

455
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:02,600
I don't know, I guess

456
00:18:02,635 --> 00:18:03,800
Wendy the Waitress brought it to him.

457
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:08,000
Nooo!

458
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,600
Dude.

459
00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:17,800
You're welcome.

460
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:18,800
Wait a second.

461
00:18:18,835 --> 00:18:19,800
You've been sitting here,

462
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,900
pretending to be the expert on all this,

463
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:25,300
but the truth is,
there was no real fallout

464
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,400
from your breakup at all?

465
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,400
Yet.
You're an idiot.

466
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,600
All right, I'm taking off.

467
00:18:31,635 --> 00:18:32,900
What?!
I have a date.

468
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,200
Wha...? you are such a jerk!

469
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:40,400
Ted, have you not

470
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,600
Attraction,
bargaining, submission,

471
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,200
perks, tipping point,

472
00:18:44,235 --> 00:18:46,000
purgatory,
confrontation, fallout!

473
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:47,400
These things will all happen to you

474
00:18:47,435 --> 00:18:49,100
as surely as they happened to all of us!

475
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:50,300
It's a rule of nature!

476
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,400
Well, I'm sick of all the rules!

477
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:54,100
There's too many of them!

478
00:18:54,135 --> 00:18:55,400
The Hot/Crazy Scale,
the Lemon Law,

479
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:56,500
the Platinum Rule...

480
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,100
If everyone in the world

481
00:18:58,135 --> 00:18:59,400
followed every one of your rules,

482
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:01,600
the human race would cease to exist.

483
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:03,300
Yes, chances are

484
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:04,900
Stella and I are not

485
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,100
going to live happily ever after.

486
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,800
The overwhelming odds
have it ending badly.

487
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:09,900
And when that happens,

488
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,700
it'll be for one of a
million possible reasons.

489
00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:14,000
But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try.

490
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:15,600
And when it does fail,

491
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,500
so help me God, it's not gonna
be because of some rule.

492
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,400
P. S.

493
00:19:24,435 --> 00:19:27,200
you just made my hair look awesome.

494
00:19:27,235 --> 00:19:28,300
Good night.

495
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,300
So Stella and I went on our date.

496
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:33,700
But here's the funny thing:

497
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,600
turns out,
it wasn't actually a date.

498
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:38,800
So what do you mean "it wasn't a date"?

499
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,800
She thought we were seeing
a movie just as friends.

500
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:42,800
Why would she think that?

501
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:44,000
Did she see your tattoo

502
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:44,900
and assume you were gay?

503
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,900
Apparently, there's a rule
that says I can't date Stella.

504
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,300
Exactly: the Platinum Rule.

505
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:53,200
Stella reads my blog.

506
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,900
No, this rule comes from the
American Medical Association.

507
00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:58,000
Doctors aren't legally allowed
to date their patients.

508
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,600
Oh, sorry, Ted.

509
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,500
Eh, it's okay.

510
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,000
What are you guys watching?

511
00:20:04,035 --> 00:20:04,900
So that was the end of the story

512
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,200
between me and Stella,
at least for the time being.

513
00:20:08,235 --> 00:20:10,700
But I don't know, looking back
on the Platinum Rule,

514
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,100
I think there's a ninth step.

515
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:14,200
We'll call it Coexistence.

516
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,000
It's the moment you realize
that all that anger

517
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,400
and resentment just isn't useful.

518
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,200
Thanks for watching.

519
00:20:20,235 --> 00:20:20,900
Good night.

520
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:24,700
And you start to let go of it.

521
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:26,300
Hey, guys.

522
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,100
So what do you guys
have going on tonight?

523
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:30,500
We're going to have a few friends over.

524
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:31,700
Gonna play some charades.

525
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:33,700
Have fun.

526
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,100
And move on with your life.

527
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,600
It just takes a while.

528
00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:43,800
On the house. Thanks.

529
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,100
Cuckoo!