I quit.
And everyone calls you Meat Loaf behind your back.
I got fired today. Who's going to pay the bills now?
Guess who I just saw outside. Who?
Billy. What?! So you're back.
This is me back. Yep.
We have to vacate the premises by Sunday.
We've got nowhere to live. I think we should just burn them.
Welcome, everyone. That is a New Kids On The Block cassette tape.
I was just wondering how much it would cost
to buy back this hippo I gave you for Valentine's Day.
We're gonna have a party later. Come in.
(All cheer)
Josh! Josh! What the fuck are you doing?!
I'm demolishing. Josh, we're renting!
Where to now? Anywhere we want. Technically, we're homeless.
Mmm.
Fuck. Josh, beach pigs are here. Get up!
What? Yep, just get up and run.
Where? Will they bite? Probably.
Hang on, let me help you. Just stand still.
Hang on. OK, now get up and run!
Get back here you little shits!
MAN: Hey!
Josh!
Do you think I should try and run them over?
No! Just drive!
£ I could never learn to fly
£ By jumping out of airplanes
£ I find it hard enough to survive
£ Without falling from the sky
£ I could never find peace that way... £
This is it. No.
We stay here for a week or two until we find somewhere permanent to live.
I just didn't think getting a rental house would be this hard.
Yeah, well, getting evicted kind of blacklists you from the market.
Yep, OK. Hang on. Do we say we're from overseas?
No, no, no. Keep it really believable.
You can't do a very good British accent.
Hi. Hi.
Uh, we're backpackers. We're down from Sydney.
We just wanted to apply for a room.
Yeah, sure, no worries. I'll just need some details off you guys
and then it's all yours.
Oh, OK. That's easy. There you go.
Hmm. Fill it out.
So we're from Sydney.
Yeah, she's got that, Josh. Oh, cool.
Now, I should let you know there is a maximum stay of one month.
Yep. That's fine. We're gonna be, like, a week, I think.
Two week, tops. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, that's fine.
You guys are travelling around.
The rule's there to stop bums with nowhere else to go
from bludging around here forever.
Disgusting. Yeah. Pigs.
When you guys are done with that, I'll give you the grand tour. Great.
So this is our games room slash common room.
It's early so not a lot of our guests are up.
They don't usually rise before 12.
Even though it's a Monday? I know.
Every day's a weekend when you're a traveller.
And this here is our communal kitchen.
Just make sure you label everything.
OK. Josh is good at that. Things do go missing.
Jess is good at that. Josh. You're showing off.
Anyhow. He's showing off, isn't he?
Oh, look, I don't know. Can't help himself.
So all the information, like, regarding tours
night-life, like, hostel events are on the board in reception.
This evening it's a drinking games version of charades.
Yeah. What a fabulous fusion.
Oh, great.
Josh and I are really good at both of those things.
Oh, good. Have to make sure you get down there.
Yeah. So this is your room.
OK. Here are the keys. Who wants to be responsible?
Me. And enjoy your stay.
Great. OK. See you tonight.
Jess, this is like a padded cell. Perfect.
No-one's going to know where we are.
That means no-one's going to be asking us any questions
about what we do with our lives, what our future plans are.
We're just a couple of free-spirited travellers.
You're on the top bunk.
And don't get up to any mischief up there, Josh.
They're really creaky. Jesus, Jess, I'm not an animal.
OK. Don't shoot me. I'm just the messenger.
No, you're the sender, 'cause you said it.
That makes you the sender.
You're not making any sense.
Six words. Film.
Chk, chk. Pow!
Don't Tell Mum The Babysitter's Dead! Yes.
Yes!
Oh, my God! That is third in a row.
Well, that means everyone except Jess and Josh needs to have a sip.
Alright, mate, up you get. Come on. God, Josh, how good is this?
I mean, it's Monday night and we're playing drinking games.
There's no questions, no making up excuses why we deserve it.
Just free to live our lives.
Oh... pain?
Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. Yes! (People laugh)
OK, our game's pretty simple.
It relies heavily on peer pressure.
£ Who's she gonna get? Who's she gonna get?
£ Who's she gonna get? Who's she gonna get? £
You! You! ALL: You! You! You! You!
You! You! You! You! You!
(All cheer)
ALL: Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
You're elevating, Josh! You're elevating!
That's how much I got.
(Josh laughs) You two are clones, finally.
Go!
Jess.
Jess, get up. We said we'd go house hunting today.
It's actually in your best interests if we sneak out early
now that the Hamburglar has been let loose.
I think till, like, midnight last night. That was mental.
Hey, Jess, Josh, the crazy Aussies.
Oh. How are you guys feeling? Pulling up alright?
Yeah. I'm a little tender today, actually. I'll bet.
Where are you heading now?
Um, we've got to go to the supermarket, actually.
We went to get our breakfast, someone has eaten all our food.
Oh! That's bollocks. Tell me about it.
Yeah. Just when you think you can trust people.
We're about to do a little bit of a tour of Melbourne
You guys should come. Uh, no thanks. We've got errands and stuff.
You've got errands? Mate, you're on holiday, OK?
Relax. OK, I'll come.
Yeah? Alright, let's go.
Hang on, Jess, we've got to find a rental house.
Josh, you heard him. We're on holidays.
From what?
MAN: Don't forget to grab your T-shirts and hats
so I don't lose you on the tour.
OK, folks, today we're in for a treat.
We'll be looking at Melbourne's famous buildings,
architecture, churches and shops,
immersing ourselves in the culture of the city.
Jess, I don't want anyone to see me in this.
I'm not putting it on.
What? You have to. Nup. I'd rather get lost.
As if they're ever going to look at these photos again.
I can't even be bothered looking now.
It was your idea to go on this tour.
I thought it would be a pub crawl or something.
STEVE: OK, group, listen up.
Next up we're off to one of Melbourne's most popular bars.
Great! I was wondering when this was going to get fun.
And it's called the Flinders Inn.
Oh, hang on, no-one goes there.
I mean, not unless you're an alcoholic pervert
that has completely given up on life.
Yeah, look, we'll have to stick to the schedule
because everything's been timed and mapped out,
so if you could all gather together
and take the hand of the person in front of you.
Off we go.
Oh!
Now, to finish for the day, we have a very quick visit
to the world famous Ramsay Street.
Now, this is home of
the very popular Australian TV show Neighbours.
I've never actually been here.
Now, has anybody got any questions about the cast or the characters
of Neighbours?
Yeah, is that sheep still here?
Uh, the sheep. Uh... Cassie.
Oh, yes! That's right, Cassie.
Short for Casserole. Yeah.
Yeah. And, no, she actually died a couple of summers ago.
Yeah. They said it was from old age in the show,
but in real-life she drowned in Toadie's pool.
That is so sad.
Yeah. When was it that Alan Fletcher joined the cast?
1993. Yes, that's right.
That's right. 1993. Very good.
Is it true that Libby Kennedy became a pop singer?
Well... No, she hasn't recorded an album.
Oh. Steve, if you don't mind, I'll just correct you there.
Although she didn't reach the commercial heights
of, say, your Kylie or your Natalie or your Delta, even,
she was actually cast in the stage adaptation of Dirty Dancing,
where she was required to sing.
So, yes, in a way, she has taken a musical path.
OK, I think that'll do for the day.
And it's time for everybody to take their seat
and I'll be collecting payment,
so if you can get your... Oh, yep!
..get, get your...
Any more questions, I will be up the back there.
OK, so if, people, you could get your money ready.
God, he had no idea, did he?
Just embarrassing to see him choking up there.
I just had to step in.
Uh, that'll be $95 each for the day.
What?
I thought it'd be, like, 20 bucks. Don't be a clown, mate.
This is actually the cheapest Melbourne tour.
Hang on a minute. You're the clown, mate.
All you did was sit on your arse all day
and drive us to the most boring places in Melbourne.
Well, I had to step in and do your job.
I think you've said enough. $95.
I've, actually, only just begun.
So if you want to take this outside, old man,
well, I'm more than confident I can take you.
Jess, step down. It's OK, we'll pay. It's fine.
Right. Thank you. That's $95.
Great idea going on this tour, Jess. That man has the last of our money.
He barely lifted a finger and now he's loaded.
Backpackers, they're just twenty-somethings like us.
They're looking for fun but they don't know where to go.
I mean, we know what they want more than this old slug.
What are you thinking?
It's great, Abs. I love it!
Only your family would have a minibus just sitting here.
It's the only way all seven of us could get to school.
That's right.
I remember you all piling out of this thing like circus freaks.
I know. It's pretty old now, though.
That's OK. It's perfect for what I need.
It's great. There you go.
Thanks. You can borrow my wheels while I've got your car.
Oh. What's wrong with your car?
Nothing.
It's just I don't 100% trust you with it.
Oh. Yeah.
Fair enough. OK, good.
I thought you were going to make a scene for a second then.
I was like, 'Abby!'
See you later. Bye. Thanks, mate.
No worries.
OK, everyone, good morning and listen up.
Over here we have the cheapest tour in Melbourne.
But there are only ten seats available,
so you have to be very quick.
And it's half the price of this clown,
plus none of the boring shit.
And we also have a complimentary peach schnapps on arrival.
That's it, that's a smart man.
He's seen a bargain and he's jumping on it.
I'd be launching right into that line,
'cause there are two spots left.
Literally one spot left. Who will it be?
Congratulations.
Well, congratulations to all of you.
You've made a swell decision.
And I'd like to officially welcome you today
to Jess and Josh's tour of the real Melbourne.
Now, today we won't be boring you with any churches
or old buildings.
There'll be no strict schedules, holding hands
or taking boring photos.
Here we're all about the journey rather than the destination.
So let's see where it takes us.
All aboard!
Take your peach schnapps off Josh and I will be collecting your cash.
Have your pineapples out, ready to go.
55. It's 55.
No more, no less.
And that's a full tour.
Closing the tour.
OK, so here we are in the very colourful
beachside suburb of St Kilda, known for its buzzing social scene,
its beautiful beaches, but what it's really famous for is its corners
and we've stopped here to show you why,
'cause this is where the ladies of the night hang.
Now, Josh is going to point out which one's your pro
and which one's your pimp.
OK. OK, here's one,
just out the back here in the green dress.
Josh actually lost his virginity to a hooker.
No, I didn't! Josh, it's fine. You're among friends.
Alright, everyone, belt up. We're on the move.
Jess, why would you say that?
It just makes it more exciting and accessible.
It shows that we've lived what we're talking about.
It's more professional this way. OK.
OK, so this is the trendy Northern Suburbs of Melbourne.
It's a great place to go out if you're in the area.
So if you've got any questions, I'm happy to help.
Yes, young man.
Is it expensive to go out in Melbourne?
Well, if you are on a budget, which it looks like you are,
I would hang around the bar and if anyone leaves their drinks around,
just finish them off.
Works fine for me. Jess, last time you did that, you ended up drugged.
Not to mention that shocking cold sore.
Well, it's got its risks. I'm not denying that.
£ Microphone, microphone
£ I like the way my voices sounds on the microphone... £
MAN: Are we going to go to St Paul's Cathedral?
No.
Welcome aboard, everyone, to Jess and Josh's famous tours of Melbourne,
where your experience, well, it's more important than the destination.
OK, now who wants to hear me sing Hakuna Matata again?
Josh, you play Pumbaa. JOSH: OK.
Oh, my...
This prick has just stolen my park! I put my indicator on, mate!
Jess, we've got a bus full of international guests.
Maybe tone it back a bit. One thing you can rely on in Melbourne
is that the drivers are fucking pricks!
Shut your face, lady.
That's it, I'm getting out. Jessie, no!
I've actually got your number plates written down,
so what I'm going to do is track you down,
find out where you live, then I'm going to gut your cat
and leave its lifeless body scrawled across the windscreen.
How's that sound? I'll probably make a hat out of it,
parade down your street telling everyone...
Who wants the radio on? I do.
Get out and have a go. Be a man!
Alright, now, it's come to that time of the tour
where I think we're going to have a little pub crawl. Come on in.
OK, now, like most cities, you can go to all the right places,
you can go to all the cool spots, but at the end of the day,
it's all about creating your own fun.
What Josh and I like to do is we play a little game,
it's called read between the lines.
What you do is people watch, pick a subject,
then paint a picture of what you think their life might be like.
Like... these ladies over here.
So sad.
I bet you she tells everyone
that she's working in some fancy high-rise building,
but in reality she's in some cubicle,
no natural light, no phone, no purpose.
I mean, the highlight of her day
is probably going down to the cafeteria in the foyer.
Bag of steamed dim sims,
probably been sitting in the bain-marie for hours.
Then she goes home, necks a bottle of red wine
and lets her dog kiss her on the mouth.
OK, here we go, this guy. Sharp suit.
Passive-aggressive control freak.
Hits the party drugs pretty hard.
Always ends up emotionally abusing his girlfriend.
Eventually, finds himself sitting in the shower
crying his eyes out while quietly masturbating.
Beautifully said, Josh.
You absolutely nailed him. Didn't he? That was great.
Alright. Who wants to have a go?
Oh, there we go. Little keeno. Go for it.
OK, guys, that's it. Out you pop. Easy on the dismount.
You've all had a few ciders.
Easy does it.
Alright, spread the word.
I hope you guys had fun. Tell your friends about us.
(Both laugh) Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, I can't watch this.
I think we've finally found our calling, Josh.
They hang on every word we say. This is great!
And we're making money.
It's only been a week, we've almost got enough to pay for the bond.
This is it, Josh. Good things do happen to good people.
Oh, hey, guys. Excuse me.
Just wanted to know whether you guys
needed to extend your stay for a third week.
Yeah, we do, we do. Maybe a bit more, even.
Yeah, that's fine. Just a reminder, though,
we have a one-month maximum stay for all guests.
Yeah, you've said that. We'll be out by the end of the month.
Alright. Thank you. OK.
OK, now I'm sure a lot of you guys are looking to jump ship
and set up permanent residence, so as a little bonus to the tour,
we thought we'd show you how to secure a rental property.
How does that sound?
OK.
Remembering this is our designated toilet stop as well,
so make the most of it.
In we pop.
Hi. Just come over to look at the place.
Check the big rooms, cupboard space, that sort of stuff.
Now, when do you need these forms back?
If you're keen, I'd suggest as soon as possible.
No, we're keen.
OK, well, just make sure you get a reference check
from your current employer.
Yep. Easy. OK? Done.
You'll have them back by tomorrow. Great.
Babe, if a lady calls you about a rental property,
can you say that you're my boss
and I make lots of money and I'm always on time?
Sure, babes. I know the drill.
Great. Thanks.
Those places we saw today were more expensive than I thought.
I know. I think we're going to have to up the tour price.
Well, we could do a longer trip. Then we could charge more.
I saw one today for $200, go and see the penguins,
lasts all day.
Really? Mmm.
That is brilliant.
You should have said something sooner. Penguins it is!
Now, lights out. Ow! Hey!
We've got our new mission.
JOSH: Ah.
Sleep tight, Jessie.
JESS: Yeah, you too, mate.
Half-price tours over here, guys.
Only $150 for the whole day.
Everything included.
That's the spirit! Over you come.
Tour open.
Alright, all aboard. Money, money, money.
Thank you. $150.
Thank you. Get your shot.
Oh, great. Thank you.
OK everyone, now, if you'll just look out your window on the right here,
we are passing the beautiful Port Phillip Bay.
Now, just a little tip on that.
It is actually illegal to camp on those beaches,
so I suggest you... (Van groans)
Jess, I think there's a noise coming out of the back of the van.
Does it feel like the engine's struggling at all?
No, it's fine.
I think if we stop now and check it, it might save us in the long run.
Josh, if we stop now and it turns out there is something wrong,
we'll miss the penguins coming out of the water,
everyone will want refunds.
I think we should keep moving and sort it out when we get there.
(Van thumps, then squeaks) What was that?
Jess, what was that?
I think you just killed a cat.
Jesus, Jess, if we've killed a cat we should stop.
Josh, it's not an option.
I'm like Sandra Bullock in Speed here.
For the greater good, I simply cannot stop.
I need you to be my Keanu Reeves.
So man up and keep everyone calm,
because we've still got a very long way to go here.
So there's this guy. His name's Billy.
He's a friend of mine. We did used to date a little while ago.
Then he went overseas, which I was fine about, you know.
I'm not really into relationships and commitment and that sort of thing.
He was pretty obsessed with me.
Anyway, he's back now and texting all the time and calling.
He's all travelled and worldly and everything.
GIRL: When's lunch?
The sign said it was included.
Oh, yes.
Uh, we are planning on serving refreshments
when we get to the penguins.
But in the meantime, I'm sure Josh would be more than happy
to get you another peach treat.
That'll go down well. Oh, I can't drink any more.
I need to eat. I feel sick.
(Van groans)
Oh, gosh! Actually...
(Van rattles)
Uh...
I think that we might take that lunchbreak after all.
OK? Jess, why are we stopping?
Josh, I need you to take them to the closest pub
and get them drunk.
I've got a feeling we're not going anywhere for awhile.
Ab, are you covered by RACV?
Fuck!
(All yell)
The van's fucked.
Turns out we're miles away from the bloody penguins.
There's a tow truck sitting out the front, can only fit two people.
It's costing a fortune, so we can't give any refunds.
Don't look back. Just walk out with me.
(Tourists yell and cheer)
JOSH: You don't mind if we change the radio, do you?
MAN: No, mate, go for it.
JESS: Something upbeat.
(Dance music) JESS: No.
£ You cry with me... £ JESS: No.
MAN: But into the slip... (Boppy music)
JESS: Stop. That'll do.
Oh, come on, Nick. Cleaning? Have a bit of respect for your brother.
Which way to your bathroom, Tina?
That fake tan's not gonna clean itself off the floor, is it?
You're right. He's so gorgeous.
It's called erotic cleaning. Jess, you're not serious.
It's gonna cost you more, but I'm sure he'd be more than happy
to wear a G-string.
If anyone's gonna exploit Josh on the internet, it's me.
You are crazy.
Well, we're making crazy money, so who's laughing now?
£ Love has come at last
£ Throw your sorrows in the past
£ Dancing in the rain
£ Two feet in the sand
£ We're still finding Peter Pan
£ To make things stay the same
£ Run into the wind
£ Into the waves
£ Under the water we will stay
£ Oh, another sun, another sea... £