Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com
♪ She said, "I love you, boy, I love you so" ♪
Whitney: Okay!
♪ She said, "I love you, baby" ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, ohh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh, oh ♪
Whitney: Okay. You're an idiot.
♪ She said, "I love you more than words can say" ♪
Alex: [ Gargling ]
♪ She said, "I love you, babe" ♪
-Alex: [ Spits ] -♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh, babe ♪
Whitney: Really? What are you doing?
Alex: Mnh. Ohh. Come on.
Whitney: What? What? What? What?
Alex: Stop. Come on, no. Stop. Ugh. Stop it.
Here, give ... give me that. Give me that.
-Whitney: No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't. -Alex: Come here.
We're gonna be late for the ceremony!
Whitney: When's the last time a wedding actually started on time?
Alex: That's 'cause they're always waiting for you!
Whitney: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay.
Alex: Whit, you're gonna wear a hoodie to a wedding?
What, were your overalls in the wash?
Whitney: Okay, I almost froze to death
at Nick and Rachel's wedding.
Alex: You mean the one that was in Mexico,
where the groomsmen wore shorts?
Whitney: How dare you?
You know that I have bad circulation,
and it got worse after I got laser hair removal for you.
Alex: All right, come on. We really got to go.
Whitney: Okay, fine. But I won this.
[ Clears throat ]
Okay. What?
Alex: Whit, you can't wear white to a wedding.
Whitney: Come on. It's got a pattern.
Alex: Yeah, a white pattern.
Whitney: Ugh. It's such a stupid rule.
What, does the bride think the groom's gonna get confused
and marry me by accident?
Getting married is so dumb.
Alex: Just 'cause your parents each got divorced three times
doesn't mean that all marriages are bad.
Whitney: Half of all marriages end.
If half of all planes crashed, would you continue to fly?
Alex: It's just so much faster than driving.
Whitney: [ Sighs ] Zip me.
Alex: Is this new?
Whitney: No. I just hate it.
I feel like all we ever do is go to weddings.
I can't remember the last time I sat down to eat
without a deejay telling me to get this party started.
Okay.
-Okay, phone? -Alex: Got it.
-Whitney: Keys? -Alex: Got 'em.
-Whitney: Purse? -Alex: I'm not that whipped.
Whitney: Wait, is that what you're wearing?
♪ "But I love you, boy, I love you so" ♪
-Lily: Hi! Hi! -Whitney: Hey!
-Alex: Hey. -Neal: Hey.
-Lily: Neal, get my purse? -Neal: Got it.
Whitney: Wow, again with the matching.
Lily: Oh, no, it was totally an accident this time.
Neal: Well, was it, or is it...
Both: That we love the same things?
Alex: They've been together a year. Let them have it.
-Lily: Babe, we got table 8. -Whitney: Oh, good.
Neal: We met at a wedding, at table 8.
Lily: Yeah, and wound up in a motel 6.
Whitney: Oh, okay.
Roxanne: Hey. Wow. Okay.
-Hi. Hey. -Whitney: Hi.
Lily: Uh, Roxanne, you can't wear pants to a wedding.
Roxanne: Lil, get off my balls.
I pay alimony to an ex-husband
who does spoken word for a living.
I could wear cargo pants.
-Lily: Yeah. -Whitney: That's true.
Neal: Are they -- are they already serving drinks?
Roxanne: Hmm? Oh, no. I brought this.
[ Wagner's "bridal chorus" playing ]
Whitney: Nice dress.
Alex: You should have worn the hoodie.
Whitney: Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Deejay: Let's get this party started!
[ Rock music plays ]
Mark: Hola! Alex, Whitney.
-Whitney: Hey. -Mark: Shalom. Neal. Lily.
Ouch.
Roxy. Love the side boob.
Roxanne: That's armpit fat.
Mark: It all feels the same in the dark.
Alex: Mark, how are you ever late?
-You have sirens on top of your car. -Whitney: [ Laughs ]
Mark: Dude, I was down at the station doing a little recon.
Roxanne: Uh, you mean stalking the bridesmaids on Facebook.
Mark: Yes.
Two of them love "police academy,"
so someone's going on a ride-along tonight...
-...On my face. -Whitney: Okay, you know what?
We know what you're saying.
Lily: She's gonna throw the bouquet! You guys, come on!
-Whitney: Okay! Okay, here we go! -Roxanne: Yeah!
Lily: Neal!
Mark: Someone's getting a cavity search --
Alex: Hey, man, you actually don't have to do that, okay?
-It's just me. Relax. -Mark: Okay. Thanks.
Sarah: Excuse me.
Aren't you the guy who sold that big Internet company?
Alex: Yeah. Hi. I'm Alex. Have we met?
Sarah: I'm Sarah!
We met at Jeff's birthday party.
A bunch of people are doing shots, if you want to come.
Alex: Oh.
Yeah, you know, I-I have a girlfriend,
so I can't really engage in any type of merriment.
Sarah: Yeah, you date
that photographer girl who's really loud.
Alex: Whitney.
Whitney: Honey, do you have those pepto things?
It's just that the scallops are getting chatty.
Sarah: Excuse me.
Whitney: Oh. Sorry. You're gonna -- taking off?
Sarah: Yeah.
Lily: Got it. That Ashley girl is a beast.
Mark: Yeah, she's currently under investigation.
Lily: Enjoy another year of eharmony, beyotch!
[ Laughs ] Boom!
Mark: Dude, what were you doing out there?
Neal: I set a pick.
Lily: Yeah, I just read in Cosmo
that one of the keys to a healthy relationship
is participating in your partner's passions.
Roxanne: Lil, Cosmo's for skanks.
Lily: No, no, it has interesting statistics,
like couples with the most successful relationships
have sex four or five times a week.
-Whitney: Five times a week?! -Lily: Yes.
Whitney: Who has time for that?
Roxanne: Well, that is what happened in my marriage.
I mean, things got platonic. We stopped having sex.
Well, stopped having sex.
He continued with other people.
Mark: It's not his fault. He's a man.
Monogamy is not natural.
If the cavemen had been monogamous,
there would be like six people.
Alex: Mark, you can't justify everything you do using cavemen.
Mark: Why not? The cavemen did it.
I'm just saying, once you're in a long-term relationship,
you're not tapping that every night.
Lily: Oh, look, they're gonna do the cake.
Man: Some of the cupcakes are missing.
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Sarah: It was her.
Alex: Wow, you're on fire tonight.
What are you closing with blackface?
Alex: Just got an e-mail from Mark.
Went home with the pregnant girl.
He said he wants to know if it counts as a threesome.
Aah! Your feet are freezing.
Whitney: Why aren't we having sex?
Alex: 'Cause your hair's up and I ate pork.
Whitney: Okay. I-I don't mean now.
I mean why aren't we having it more often?
Wait, what do you mean, my hair is up?
Alex: When your hair's up, you don't like to be touched.
Or talked to.
Whitney: When's the last time I wore my hair down?
Alex: [ Inhales sharply ] Uh, two...Years ago?
Whitney: Okay. Be serious.
It's just ... I don't think we're having sex enough.
I mean, why aren't we tapping this every night?
Alex: Well, you can tap that whenever you want.
Whitney: This is serious, okay? This is a thing.
This happened to Roxanne.
This happened to my mother with all three of her husbands.
I don't want to end up like my mother. She has seven parrots.
Alex: I thought she had seven therapists.
Whitney: Yeah, she has 14 things telling her she's pretty.
It's just... Do you know what this Sunday is?
Alex: Yeah, it's our five-year anniversary.
-Whitney: You knew that? -Alex: Yeah.
Whitney: We haven't even planned anything.
I mean, we did something good last year, right?
Alex: Yeah, you took Tylenol pm...
...In the a.M.
Whitney: I mixed up the bottles.
And as I recall, you still had sex with me.
-Alex: It was our anniversary. -Whitney: Okay, I just --
we're gonna do something awesome this year, okay?
But for now, you just ...
You just stay in that bed, all right,
because a storm of sexy is gonna...Come your way.
So just ... [ inhales deeply ] Just get your umbrella.
Okay.
That's not good.
That's -- what is that?
This is -- what?
That's not what I...
No, no, that's...
Alex: Whit, what happened in there?
Whitney: The storm of sexy's probably coming through more like tomorrow-ish.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Whitney: Okay, okay, lil, careful with the cleavage.
Lily: What? If I'm gonna start a blog, I want to look good.
Whitney: Okay.
Okay! Okay.
You're a food critic, not a Kardashian.
Lily: Okay. Okay.
Whitney: So, you and Neal never go
like four or five days without having sex?
Lily: Unh-unh. I work very hard at keeping our sex life good.
-I do kegels every day. -Whitney: Huh.
Lily: Doing them right now.
-Whitney: Hey. -Lily: Hi.
Roxanne: Hi. Hi.
Can't. Wine?
-Whitney: Oh, to your right. -Roxanne: [ Clears throat ]
Whitney: The glasses are right behind you.
That's fine, too.
Roxanne: Being a single woman today is embarrassing.
That guy Chris I'm dating just told me I have bad chi.
Whitney: Your chi is a little rough.
Roxanne: Whatever. You know what?
I'm 33. My chi is tired.
Lily: You know what makes you tired?
Drinking at 2:30.
Roxanne: You guys have no idea
what is going on out there, you know?
-It is a war zone. -Whitney: Hmm.
Roxanne: Guys get calf implants.
They have feelings.
I dated a guy who had a screen saver
of a baby on his computer.
And it wasn't even his baby.
-Lily: That's sweet. -Whitney: That's a pedophile.
Roxanne: Anyway, enough about me.
You left me a message I did not listen to. What was it?
Whitney: Um, well, I just --
our five-year anniversary is coming up,
and I really want to do something good.
Roxanne: Mm.
Lily: What about color me mine?
Roxanne: [ Gasps ] What about oxycontin?
Whitney: Is it possible that there's something in between?
Woman: Uh, is there something I can help you with?
Whitney: Yeah. Wow, you look...Cold.
Um, yeah, I'm interested in becoming a sex goddess.
Uh, I'll do pretty much anything
except latex,
feathers ... bird flu ...
Oh, and no underwire.
It's like I'm leaning on a fence.
Woman: How about role-play?
You dress up in sexy costumes and pretend to be other people.
Roxanne: Yeah, it is exactly like being with other people,
except you're with the same freakin' person,
and he's dressed like an idiot.
Lily: What about this cowboy costume?
Woman: Oh, that's very popular. And how about a toy gun?
Lily: Yeah -- helps you get into character.
Whitney: Okay. Okay, I'm not Daniel day-Lewis.
I just want to get laid.
Alex: Hi, hon.
Whitney: Hello, there.
Are you here to, uh, see the doctor?
Alex: I don't know.
Am I?
Whitney: Yes, you are...
Anniversary boy.
I'm gonna need you to... Sign in.
Alex: Yeah, I'll sign in.
Whitney: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Mr. Miller.
I'm gonna need your... Insurance card.
Alex: Oh, uh...
Pow.
Whitney: [ Sighs ] Come on. Do it for real.
Alex: [ Sighs ]
I'm pretty sure that, uh, doctor, uh...
Whitney: Quinn.
-Alex: Medicine woman? -Whitney: -Hmm.
Alex: Well, I'm pretty sure that, uh, Dr. Quinn,
uh, has my info already.
Whitney: I doubt it.
I'm gonna need you to have a seat
and fill out these forms.
Alex: Well...
Whit?
Do I really need my employer's address?
Whitney: Oh, I actually think we have that on file.
Let me go check.
But our file room is huge.
And sometimes I get lost in there.
So, if I'm not back in a minute,
you might want to come...Help.
Alex: I think I got that file you're looking for right here.
Ugh!
Whitney: Mr. Miller? The doctor will see you now.
Mr. Miller?
Oh.
Mr. Miller, what happened?
I guess I'm gonna need to give you mouth-to-mouth.
[ Chuckles ]
Alex?
He's gonna be okay, right?
Nurse: We'll take care of him, ma'am.
What's your relation to this man?
-Whitney: He's my boyfriend. -Nurse: I'm sorry.
You're not allowed back here
unless you're a spouse or immediately family member.
Feel free to have a seat out here.
Whitney: Okay, we've been together for three years,
so we're basically married.
Nurse: You're either married or you're not.
Whitney: Nurse to nurse?
I got to get back there.
Nurse: Nurse to stripper, have a seat.
Lily: It's okay, whit.
It's a concussion, but the nurse said he'll be fine.
Whitney: He's not fine. He's in there, and he's all alone.
Roxanne: Whit, as your friend,
I should tell you something that's not easy for me to say.
You're still wearing that tiny hat.
Whitney: Ohh.
I mean, he doesn't have his special pillow.
Mark: If you want, I can go and get his special pillow.
Whitney: Oh, Mark, thank you. It's in the bedroom.
It's squishy, and it's like this big.
Mark: Yeah, it is.
And might I find it in your underwear drawer?
Neal: Okay, I'll go.
Lily: Yeah, and, uh, why don't you grab her some pants?
Mark: Okay, but let's not forget,
next time we're all together,
to mock Alex for having a special pillow.
Whitney: Okay, Neal, thank you so much.
Candy: Oh. Oh, you poor baby!
-Whitney: Mom! -Candy: Oh! What happened?
Whitney: Uh, he hit his head on the counter, and now he has a concussion.
Candy: Oh, you poor thing.
Is he gonna be all right, doctor?
Neal: Oh, I'm actually not the doctor. I'm Neal.
We've met three times.
Last time, you thought I was the valet.
Candy: Oh. I could have used you five minutes ago.
-I'm blocking an ambulance. -Whitney: Mom!
Neal: I'm gonna go do my rounds.
Candy: Ah, well, you poor, poor thing.
Oh, all the single ladies.
Roxanne: Candy.
Candy: Is your father here?
Whitney: Wow, 30 seconds. That's a new record.
Candy: [ Scoffs ] It's one thing for him
not to show up for your college graduation.
Whitney: Okay. Mom, you told him the wrong time.
Candy: Well, it's not his fault that he is so selfish
that he doesn't show up and support you the way that I do.
-Whitney: Right. -Candy: He's not a bad guy.
Whitney: Mm-hmm.
Candy: He's just a horrible person,
and he owes me a check.
But this is not about that. This is about you.
[ Sighs ]
Why aren't you back there with him?
Whitney: Oh, they won't let me because we're not married.
-Candy: Aha. -Whitney: It's stupid.
Candy: I told you, you should get married.
Whitney: No, you told me to marry him
because if he cheats on me, I'll get half his stuff.
Candy: It's the law. I'm just trying to help.
-So sue me. -Whitney: Dad already did.
Candy: Yeah, well, he showed up for that.
You know what? Maybe you shouldn't marry Alex.
That way, you don't have to be stuck with him
for the rest of your life.
Whitney: But I -- I do want to be stuck with him.
That's ... that's exactly what I want.
Candy: Now you're not making any sense.
Nurse: Miss cummings?
You can come see Alex now.
Whitney: Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
That was such a stupid idea.
-Alex: No, it wasn't. -Whitney: Yes, it was.
You were in here, and I was stuck out there,
and that scary nurse wouldn't let me back,
and [Sighs] I realized that...I want to
be stuck with you for... The rest of my life.
So... [ Clears throat ]
Alex...Will you marry me?
-Alex: No. -Whitney: Thank God.
[ Sighs ] Good.
Alex: Look, Whitney, I know that, uh, marriage scares you,
so we'll just wait until it doesn't anymore, all right?
I love you so much that I'm not gonna marry you.
Whitney: [ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.
I just ... I was worried
that things were gonna fizzle or fade
or ... I don't know.
I just ... I really want us to stay together.
Alex: I love you.
And I hate moving.
-Whitney: Oh. -Alex: So...
This is the best part about being together for so long,
is that, you know, you can wear hoodies
and your hair up or down or ... I don't care.
And get off the floor. What are you doing?
Whitney: Oh. Sorry. [ Laughs ] Excuse me.
Alex: You know that people -- people bleed out in here, right?
Whitney: Okay, that's just --
seriously, are you okay?
Alex: Well, yeah, uh, you know, I am, uh...
Feeling rather woozy.
Whitney: Oh.
Well...Mr. Miller,
I think I know the exact thing to inject.
Alex: [ Chuckles ]
Yeah? What might that be, nurse cummings?
Whitney: Oh, you know, just 3cc
of...Vulina...Medicine.
-Alex: Vulina medicine? -Whitney: Uh-huh.
Alex: Was that one or two words? I don't know what that's about.
Whitney: That's one -- two -- it's -- it's --
-it's a medical term. -Alex: [ Chuckles ] Oh, okay.
-Whitney: I googled it. -Alex: Right.
I think we're gonna have to keep you overnight
for observation.
Alex: Do I have to be in here all alone?
Whitney: Well, my shift ends soon, so we better hurry.
[ Button pops ]
Oh, be careful. I just ... I have to return this tomorrow.
Alex: You rented it?
No, I just ... I left the tags on. Cause I'm only gonna wear it once.
- Wait... - Oh, oh.
Nurse, nurses, where are nurses?
Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com