1
00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:02,868
I am one of the last of my kind.
2
00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:06,965
Those who came before me,
ruled the world.
3
00:00:07,131 --> 00:00:10,385
Everyday,
I carry on their proud legacy.
4
00:00:10,853 --> 00:00:12,647
I open the door for a lady,
5
00:00:14,103 --> 00:00:15,891
but I am not a doorman.
6
00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:18,524
I protect fellow citizens...
7
00:00:18,591 --> 00:00:21,188
but I am not a policeman.
8
00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:23,979
I put out cigarettes...
9
00:00:24,047 --> 00:00:26,348
but I am not a cigarette
putter-outer...
10
00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,861
man.
11
00:00:28,952 --> 00:00:31,603
I... am a gentleman.
12
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:33,957
Oop.
13
00:00:36,677 --> 00:00:38,002
That was close.
14
00:00:38,898 --> 00:00:43,178
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
15
00:00:49,882 --> 00:00:51,609
Jerry, hey.
16
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:52,427
Never miss.
17
00:00:52,593 --> 00:00:54,212
Andrew, I've got some good news.
18
00:00:54,279 --> 00:00:56,098
The magazin's been sold.
19
00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:58,366
ANDREW:
When a gentleman receives bad news,
20
00:00:58,450 --> 00:01:00,001
he is never at a loss for words.
21
00:01:00,085 --> 00:01:01,520
What?
22
00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:04,690
Yep. New owners are
changing the entire format.
23
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,090
No more urbane and upscale.
24
00:01:06,157 --> 00:01:07,909
We're going young and sexy;
25
00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:11,796
be women in thongs,
articles about abs.
26
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:15,800
Yep, they want to expand
the readership
27
00:01:15,851 --> 00:01:17,452
by targeting people who don't read.
28
00:01:17,618 --> 00:01:18,519
This is insane.
29
00:01:18,604 --> 00:01:20,247
How are you taking this so well?
30
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,792
Simple. I'm faking it.
31
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:26,143
Look, this is unacceptable.
You're the editor.
32
00:01:26,194 --> 00:01:28,563
We should both walk in there
right now and tell them
33
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:29,965
we are not changing a thing.
34
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,532
I was thinking about doing that,
35
00:01:31,617 --> 00:01:35,345
and then I remembered: I'm 50.
36
00:01:35,511 --> 00:01:38,573
So I decided that I'm actually
very, very excited
37
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,541
about the new direction.
38
00:01:40,626 --> 00:01:42,227
As is Cody.
39
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:43,270
Who is Cody?
40
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:44,912
Cody is my new boss.
41
00:01:44,997 --> 00:01:48,633
Who, by the way,
is the same age as my son.
42
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,486
It's so great!
43
00:01:51,652 --> 00:01:54,672
What do they expect me to do,
betray my core ideals and
44
00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:57,159
churn out mindless drivel
for the lowest common denominator?
45
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:58,285
That'd be great.
46
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:01,362
You're catching on to this much
faster than I thought you would.
47
00:02:01,662 --> 00:02:05,542
Your "How to be a Gentleman"
is just too tame.
48
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,586
So, Cody would like a sexier angle.
49
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:08,903
I can't believe this.
50
00:02:08,987 --> 00:02:11,131
I feel like my whole world is
falling apart.
51
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,133
Oh, that's cause it is.
52
00:02:18,429 --> 00:02:20,557
Happy birthday, honey.
53
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:21,649
Oh, isn't it great,
54
00:02:21,717 --> 00:02:23,018
spending your birthday
with your family?
55
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:24,603
Yes, Mom, it is perfect.
56
00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,897
(English accent):
Perfect situation to wear a vest, hmm?
57
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:27,856
Ah...
58
00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:29,340
I read your column, Andrew.
59
00:02:29,407 --> 00:02:30,692
I wanted to wear a vest,
60
00:02:30,858 --> 00:02:32,527
but my wife pooh-poohed the idea.
61
00:02:32,693 --> 00:02:34,629
I'm sorry. I still want
to be attracted to you.
62
00:02:34,713 --> 00:02:35,763
Call me crazy.
63
00:02:35,847 --> 00:02:37,581
You really want
to be like my brother?
64
00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:39,133
Look at him. He's spending
his birthday with us
65
00:02:39,217 --> 00:02:40,577
because he has no friends.
66
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,054
I'll be your friend, Andrew.
67
00:02:43,105 --> 00:02:44,689
We could be "vest friends."
68
00:02:44,756 --> 00:02:46,390
Honey, you're doing it again.
69
00:02:46,441 --> 00:02:48,460
What's that?
Talking.
70
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,611
Oh, I love
hearing you say words, Mike.
71
00:02:50,696 --> 00:02:53,632
Oh, remember the time
you said chimichanga?
72
00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,467
We laughed!
73
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,653
Look, I love you, but you're fussy,
74
00:02:58,737 --> 00:03:02,015
you talk weird and you
dress like a ship captain.
75
00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:04,875
Oh. Is this
my birthday present from you?
76
00:03:04,943 --> 00:03:08,522
'Cause you gave me a huge basket
of bitchiness last year, too.
77
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,358
Well, I'm just looking out
for you, like I always have.
78
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,734
Oh, like when I was in
third grade and you walked
79
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:16,303
into my homeroom on the first
day of school and said,
80
00:03:16,388 --> 00:03:17,805
"Don't beat up my little brother.
81
00:03:17,889 --> 00:03:20,242
He's very weak and has
no peripheral vision."
82
00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,260
He gets that from me.
83
00:03:23,311 --> 00:03:24,595
I literally can't see this.
84
00:03:24,646 --> 00:03:26,564
See that? I can.
85
00:03:26,631 --> 00:03:28,315
But nothing.
86
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:33,571
Look, doofus, you're so smart
and good and kind,
87
00:03:33,638 --> 00:03:35,973
but the world doesn't know that
88
00:03:36,024 --> 00:03:37,759
because they can't see past
your brass buttons.
89
00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:41,805
My uncle had a brass eyeball.
90
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,313
Kept it under a patch,
91
00:03:43,365 --> 00:03:46,483
so it was all, it's all legit.
92
00:03:46,535 --> 00:03:48,252
Peek-a-boo was quite traumatic.
93
00:03:48,319 --> 00:03:49,813
Ah! What is it?
94
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,623
Dude, you drive people away.
95
00:03:52,674 --> 00:03:53,775
That's why Lauren dumped you.
96
00:03:53,941 --> 00:03:55,292
Lauren did not dump me.
97
00:03:55,343 --> 00:03:57,094
I released her at her request.
98
00:03:57,162 --> 00:03:58,479
Her loss, our gain, Andrew.
99
00:03:58,547 --> 00:04:00,330
Plus, I'm sure there's
a nice girl out there
100
00:04:00,382 --> 00:04:03,493
that would love to date
a lonely ship captain.
101
00:04:03,659 --> 00:04:06,162
I think it's time
for birthday presents.
102
00:04:06,328 --> 00:04:08,373
Yeah, birthday presents.
Thank you.
103
00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:11,058
This is from me and Mike.
It's a gift certificate
104
00:04:11,143 --> 00:04:14,754
for a training session at a gym.
Well, that was fun.
105
00:04:16,014 --> 00:04:18,550
A gentleman always uses a gift,
106
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,184
even if he doesn't like it...
107
00:04:20,235 --> 00:04:23,179
or the musty place he has
to go to redeem it.
108
00:04:23,345 --> 00:04:25,823
Hi. I have a gift certificate
for a training session...
109
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:27,491
Excuse me-- Andrew Carlson?
110
00:04:27,542 --> 00:04:28,826
Yeah.
111
00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:29,827
Dead arm!
112
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:30,937
(groans)
113
00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:33,607
Bert Lansing From high school!
Huh?
114
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:36,484
Me and my buddies used
to dead arm you all the time.
115
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:37,885
You don't remember me?
116
00:04:37,969 --> 00:04:40,822
I remember getting hit,
but I don't remember by whom.
117
00:04:40,988 --> 00:04:43,140
Whom? That's great, bro.
118
00:04:43,208 --> 00:04:46,036
That makes me want to
dead arm you again.
119
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,622
How 'bout this:
I was state wrestling champ?
120
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,415
Uh...
121
00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:51,917
I got expelled my senior year?
122
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,126
For credit card fraud?
123
00:04:53,292 --> 00:04:54,852
That's the one.
124
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,504
That was never proven, by the way.
125
00:04:56,670 --> 00:04:58,222
Nice seeing you again, Bert.
126
00:04:58,273 --> 00:05:01,826
I'd shake your hand,
but I can't quite lift my arm.
127
00:05:01,893 --> 00:05:03,803
Sure, that's the dead armt work.
128
00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:05,696
Man, I couldn't stand
you in high school.
129
00:05:05,747 --> 00:05:07,807
You were the worst.
I'm sorry?
130
00:05:07,973 --> 00:05:10,734
Always complaining that the
dress code wasn't strict enough.
131
00:05:10,786 --> 00:05:12,736
You tried to get rid of jeans, dude.
132
00:05:12,788 --> 00:05:13,954
That would've killed me.
133
00:05:14,039 --> 00:05:15,840
I only had two pairs
of pants back then.
134
00:05:15,907 --> 00:05:18,485
My jeans and my church jeans.
135
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,344
Well, it was good
seeing you again, Bert.
136
00:05:20,411 --> 00:05:21,962
I have a private training session,
137
00:05:22,047 --> 00:05:23,949
so I should probably go
find my trainer.
138
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,566
Look no further, my friend.
139
00:05:25,634 --> 00:05:26,618
This is my gym.
140
00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,053
Bert's Body Shop.
141
00:05:29,104 --> 00:05:31,972
I took the place over from
my old man when he got sick.
142
00:05:32,057 --> 00:05:34,042
Cancer of the penis.
143
00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:36,670
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry. That's...
144
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,362
I'm messing with you, dude.
145
00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:40,799
His penis is fine.
146
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,117
He's retired, but he still
147
00:05:43,201 --> 00:05:44,285
volunteers seven days a week
148
00:05:44,369 --> 00:05:45,870
being a pain in my ass.
149
00:05:45,937 --> 00:05:48,264
All right, let's grab your
credit card info so we can
150
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,141
get you signed up
for a membership pronto.
151
00:05:50,307 --> 00:05:52,126
The sooner we do that,
152
00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:54,479
the sooner we can get you
an adult male body.
153
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:57,447
As much as I'm enjoying you
and these odors,
154
00:05:57,499 --> 00:06:00,068
I'm gonna go now, Bert.
So, good-bye.
155
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,569
Wait-wait-wait-wait- wait-wait.
156
00:06:01,735 --> 00:06:03,387
I know this just looks
like a regular gym,
157
00:06:03,454 --> 00:06:04,614
but it's way more than that.
158
00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:06,616
See, I got a whole philosophy, bro.
159
00:06:06,782 --> 00:06:11,545
I'm into the whole Asian thing
of mind, body and spirit.
160
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:13,456
Also tanning.
161
00:06:19,044 --> 00:06:21,138
The trainer just ended up being
this creep from high school
162
00:06:21,189 --> 00:06:22,507
who beat me up all the time.
163
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:23,974
Who? Johnny?
No.
164
00:06:24,025 --> 00:06:25,176
Steven?
165
00:06:25,342 --> 00:06:27,178
No.
Asian Steven?
166
00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,947
(makes whooshing sound)
167
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:31,916
Is it a bird, Andrew?
168
00:06:31,983 --> 00:06:32,867
Is it a plane?
169
00:06:32,951 --> 00:06:33,868
(whooshing)
170
00:06:33,952 --> 00:06:35,437
No, it's Superman!
171
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:37,588
Get out, Mike.
172
00:06:37,655 --> 00:06:40,624
Well, I better go.
Bit gusty today.
173
00:06:40,675 --> 00:06:41,658
Waah!
174
00:06:41,783 --> 00:06:43,445
- Bye.
- Bye.
175
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,713
He's super desperate for
attention because I'm going out
176
00:06:45,797 --> 00:06:47,157
with Craig from work tonight.
177
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,016
Oh, Janet, come on.
178
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,411
You gotta stop spending time
with this Craig guy.
179
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,837
It's just two friends who like
to get together
180
00:06:53,889 --> 00:06:54,873
and gossip about their co-workers.
181
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:57,224
Janet? Janet?
182
00:06:57,309 --> 00:06:59,193
I didn't know we had
an escalator installed.
183
00:06:59,277 --> 00:07:01,011
Going down.
(electronic trilling)
184
00:07:01,062 --> 00:07:03,798
Why would superman need an escalator?
185
00:07:03,964 --> 00:07:04,848
I gotta go.
186
00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,384
Okay. Love you. Bye.
187
00:07:06,550 --> 00:07:08,845
Andrew.
Hey, Jerry!
188
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,455
Cody's been breathing down
my neck about your column.
189
00:07:11,522 --> 00:07:12,957
I gotta give him something.
190
00:07:13,024 --> 00:07:14,768
So pitch me your sexy new direction.
191
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,027
No. I will not change my column,
all right?
192
00:07:17,078 --> 00:07:18,329
It goes against my principles.
193
00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:20,148
I've got to put my foot down.
194
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:21,858
Then I'll have to fire you.
195
00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:23,485
What time is it due?
196
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,885
There you go.
197
00:07:24,970 --> 00:07:27,471
Remember, we're going after that
demographic Holy Grail:
198
00:07:27,538 --> 00:07:30,575
men in their mid-to-late 30s
who act like they're 15.
199
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:34,829
But I don't know anyone like...
Okay, never mind.
200
00:07:34,995 --> 00:07:36,397
This is great, man!
201
00:07:36,481 --> 00:07:40,126
Look at us: getting together,
reconnecting like adults.
202
00:07:40,292 --> 00:07:42,796
I was thinking more of a
restaurant, not a strip club.
203
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,839
How are you?
204
00:07:45,005 --> 00:07:47,107
So, what have you been up to
since high school?
205
00:07:47,192 --> 00:07:49,276
After senior year,
you just disappeared.
206
00:07:49,361 --> 00:07:51,137
Where'd you go?
207
00:07:51,303 --> 00:07:52,947
I graduated.
208
00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:54,349
I went to college.
209
00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:57,936
Nice. Yeah, I always wanted
to go to college.
210
00:07:58,102 --> 00:07:59,270
Long story short,
211
00:07:59,436 --> 00:08:02,039
I got hit by an airport bus
which gave me the money
212
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,457
to buy my dad's gym,
213
00:08:03,541 --> 00:08:05,485
which was great 'cause I love
helping people.
214
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:08,545
That's great, you can help me.
(chuckles)
215
00:08:08,596 --> 00:08:12,617
Tell me, what does a person
like you like to read?
216
00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:14,035
Sports scores.
217
00:08:14,201 --> 00:08:16,704
Perfect.
218
00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:18,355
Nice. Let's toss these shots back.
219
00:08:18,423 --> 00:08:20,333
Oh, no, thank you.
220
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:23,093
I try not to drink at
10:30 in the morning...
221
00:08:23,144 --> 00:08:23,837
on a Wednesday.
222
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:26,256
It's Friday somewhere.
223
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:28,341
No, it's not.
224
00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:30,100
Come on. It's on me.
225
00:08:30,151 --> 00:08:32,762
It's rude for a gentleman
to turn down a drink, right?
226
00:08:32,928 --> 00:08:34,204
Okay, I'll have a shot.
227
00:08:34,272 --> 00:08:36,073
Just one.
228
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:38,075
Cheers.
229
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,743
(slurring):
No one cares about being
230
00:08:39,794 --> 00:08:41,945
a gentleman anymore, you know?
231
00:08:41,997 --> 00:08:44,331
You send an invitation
that says "evening wear."
232
00:08:44,416 --> 00:08:45,966
Nobody wears evening wear.
233
00:08:46,034 --> 00:08:48,452
I was at a wedding, guy showed up in
234
00:08:48,503 --> 00:08:51,555
a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts.
235
00:08:51,622 --> 00:08:54,141
I mean, it was on a beach,
but still...
236
00:08:54,225 --> 00:08:55,869
white linen was called for.
237
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:59,414
How are you so drunk off two shots?
238
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,749
I only had a grapefruit half
for breakfast.
239
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,234
You know what?
240
00:09:04,302 --> 00:09:08,756
You're the kind of guy
who shows up in shorts.
241
00:09:08,922 --> 00:09:12,242
I mean, it's people
like you are the reason
242
00:09:13,811 --> 00:09:15,779
Yeah, it's people
I golike you are the reason
243
00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,247
that I don't have any friends.
244
00:09:17,315 --> 00:09:20,084
And people like you are the
reason I'm carrying around
245
00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:24,121
my ex-fiancée's sock
like it's a friggin' sock.
246
00:09:25,272 --> 00:09:27,074
Dude, first of all, you got
247
00:09:27,142 --> 00:09:29,426
to throw some protein in there
with that citrus.
248
00:09:29,494 --> 00:09:34,282
Secondly, I'm not taking
the rap for that sock.
249
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,834
No, it's just, Lauren dumped me
for a guy like you.
250
00:09:37,886 --> 00:09:40,387
You know, with the muscles
and the machismo,
251
00:09:40,472 --> 00:09:42,506
you know, who doesn't know
the difference between
252
00:09:42,557 --> 00:09:45,776
a pinot blanc and a pinot noir.
253
00:09:45,843 --> 00:09:47,444
Actually, that's not a good example
254
00:09:47,512 --> 00:09:49,005
'cause that guy owns a winery.
255
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:50,981
Man, you're messed up bad.
256
00:09:51,032 --> 00:09:53,016
You know everything
about being a gentleman,
257
00:09:53,068 --> 00:09:55,094
but nothing about being a man.
258
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:56,846
What are you talking about?
259
00:09:57,012 --> 00:09:59,990
You see, life is a big jerk:
260
00:10:00,041 --> 00:10:03,243
It punches you in the face over
and over again.
261
00:10:03,328 --> 00:10:05,438
You gotta fight back
or it'll knock you out.
262
00:10:06,855 --> 00:10:09,666
Uh-oh. Here it comes.
Wait a sec.
263
00:10:09,717 --> 00:10:11,361
Are you gonna throw up on me?
264
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,337
No, no, no, no... I'm getting an idea.
265
00:10:13,388 --> 00:10:15,372
You should be my client, dude!
266
00:10:15,423 --> 00:10:19,476
You see, I deal with the
entirety of the totality
267
00:10:19,544 --> 00:10:22,247
of all that you are...
completely.
268
00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:25,015
Check this out.
269
00:10:25,066 --> 00:10:26,501
You know what this is?
270
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:27,877
It's a big black circle.
271
00:10:28,043 --> 00:10:30,404
No, it's a yin-yang without the yin.
272
00:10:30,488 --> 00:10:31,714
It's a yang-yang.
273
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,426
It means that everything is
of equal importance.
274
00:10:35,592 --> 00:10:37,470
It's covering up an
ex-girlfriend's name, isn't it?
275
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:40,473
Well, yeah, but it's also
my training philosophy.
276
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,732
You see, the mind and
the body are the same.
277
00:10:44,869 --> 00:10:47,037
When I look at you,
your body I get sad.
278
00:10:50,425 --> 00:10:52,209
Look at that guy.
279
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,511
He's uptight.
280
00:10:54,579 --> 00:10:56,246
He's lonely.
281
00:10:56,297 --> 00:10:58,682
And the last time he was intimate
282
00:10:58,749 --> 00:11:00,184
was with a sock.
283
00:11:00,251 --> 00:11:01,468
I just carry around the sock.
284
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:02,803
I'm not having sex with it.
285
00:11:02,887 --> 00:11:04,438
Well, maybe you are
and maybe you aren't.
286
00:11:04,522 --> 00:11:06,089
I am not having sex with a sock!
287
00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:07,250
Okay, okay. Calm down.
288
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:08,842
My point is,
289
00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:11,595
well, I was a jerk to
you in high school,
290
00:11:11,646 --> 00:11:14,215
but the universe is giving
me a chance to make amends.
291
00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:16,301
I know I can help you.
292
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:19,846
Hell, I already got you a new friend.
293
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,014
You did? Who?
294
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,349
Me.
295
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:26,877
So what do you say?
296
00:11:26,944 --> 00:11:29,397
You want to be the yang to my yang?
297
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:32,916
I can't believe I'm
saying this, but... yang.
298
00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:34,193
I mean yes.
299
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:36,119
Let's get this guy a lap dance.
300
00:11:36,171 --> 00:11:38,121
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
301
00:11:38,173 --> 00:11:40,790
Well, the brunette has a kind face.
302
00:11:47,956 --> 00:11:50,835
{pub}This is step one of my
multi-step process.
303
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,309
You need to bury the past
304
00:11:52,394 --> 00:11:54,311
by having a funeral
for your old relationship.
305
00:11:54,396 --> 00:11:56,215
You need to burn that sock.
306
00:11:56,381 --> 00:11:57,884
I don't want to burn the sock.
307
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,385
Hey.
308
00:11:59,551 --> 00:12:01,118
For God's sake, that is my milk.
309
00:12:01,202 --> 00:12:02,972
At least use a glass.
310
00:12:03,138 --> 00:12:04,432
What? There's just a little bit left.
311
00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:06,457
No, there isn't.
Oh, really?
312
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,109
(groans)
313
00:12:22,557 --> 00:12:24,808
(gasps, pants)
314
00:12:35,403 --> 00:12:36,881
See, I told you.
315
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,674
(grunts)
316
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,974
Let's burn that sock.
317
00:12:41,025 --> 00:12:42,809
Lighter.
318
00:12:43,845 --> 00:12:45,946
(sighs)
319
00:12:45,997 --> 00:12:48,226
Should I...
say something?
320
00:12:48,392 --> 00:12:51,854
I think that would be nice.
321
00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:53,454
(sighs)
322
00:12:53,505 --> 00:12:55,756
Well, I... I've carried
this sock around
323
00:12:55,823 --> 00:12:57,708
much like I've carried
the memory of Lauren around.
324
00:12:57,792 --> 00:12:59,042
♪ Cat's in the cradle ♪
325
00:12:59,127 --> 00:13:00,822
♪ And the silver spoon ♪
326
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:02,657
- ♪ Little Boy Blue... ♪
- What is that? What are you doing?
327
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,181
Dude, it's a funeral.
328
00:13:04,265 --> 00:13:07,134
♪ When you coming home, son?
I don't know when ♪
329
00:13:07,185 --> 00:13:09,580
♪ But we'll get
together then... ♪
330
00:13:09,746 --> 00:13:10,873
I mean...
331
00:13:11,039 --> 00:13:13,140
Don't.
332
00:13:14,776 --> 00:13:16,510
♪ You know we'll have
a good time then♪
333
00:13:16,561 --> 00:13:17,672
Okay.
Okay, I'm burning this sock.
334
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:19,229
Oh. Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
335
00:13:19,314 --> 00:13:21,217
Okay, it's lighting. Okay.
I got it. I got it.
336
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,483
Uh, put it in the sink.
337
00:13:22,534 --> 00:13:23,845
I got it. I got it.
The sink!
338
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,179
I got it.
339
00:13:25,345 --> 00:13:27,704
Bert, that trash can is wicker!
340
00:13:27,789 --> 00:13:29,559
What the hell is wicker?
341
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:31,575
Aah...!
342
00:13:31,659 --> 00:13:33,771
Move. I got a blanket.
343
00:13:33,937 --> 00:13:36,399
That's not a blanket;
that's my blazer.
344
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,568
You guys okay?
345
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,584
Oh. Uh, yes.
346
00:13:40,668 --> 00:13:41,835
Thank you, Lydia.
347
00:13:41,886 --> 00:13:44,555
Just a little $19 trash can fire
348
00:13:44,639 --> 00:13:46,492
put out by a $500 blazer.
349
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:48,708
Don't worry, ma'am.
350
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,079
The area is safe.
351
00:13:50,245 --> 00:13:52,707
I always feel safe around Andre
352
00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:57,336
I kill many of her bugs.
353
00:13:57,502 --> 00:14:00,047
You should be taking off
many of her pants.
354
00:14:01,214 --> 00:14:02,341
You need to ask her out.
355
00:14:02,507 --> 00:14:03,885
I can't ask her out.
She's my neighbor.
356
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:05,909
That's totally inappropriate.
357
00:14:05,994 --> 00:14:07,221
I'm just not comfortable with that.
358
00:14:07,387 --> 00:14:08,445
I hear you.
359
00:14:08,530 --> 00:14:09,896
I get it.
I totally get it.
360
00:14:09,948 --> 00:14:10,975
Thank you.
361
00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:13,686
- What is that? What are you doing?
- Step two.
362
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,646
Making you do something
you're not comfortable with.
363
00:14:15,812 --> 00:14:16,903
Bert?
364
00:14:16,955 --> 00:14:18,505
No! Bert!
365
00:14:18,573 --> 00:14:19,590
(grunting)
366
00:14:19,674 --> 00:14:20,860
Bert!
Hey.
367
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,259
Hey.
368
00:14:22,343 --> 00:14:23,696
How are you?
369
00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:25,406
I'm great.
370
00:14:25,572 --> 00:14:26,630
Good to hear you.
371
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:29,016
That is... is good... to hear.
372
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,829
So what's up?
373
00:14:31,995 --> 00:14:34,104
Really, really good.
374
00:14:37,758 --> 00:14:39,560
I can't believe she said yes.
375
00:14:39,611 --> 00:14:40,838
I can't believe it, either.
376
00:14:41,004 --> 00:14:42,362
I was watching through the peephole.
377
00:14:42,430 --> 00:14:44,731
That was the most awkward
interaction I've ever seen.
378
00:14:44,733 --> 00:14:46,283
But you nailed it.
379
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,346
That was tAnd tonight,ard
inyou're going to nail...n.
380
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:50,056
Oh, please. She's a lady.
381
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,807
A lady you're going to nail.
382
00:14:55,435 --> 00:14:56,771
So, Lydia, what do you do
for a living?
383
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,912
I do what I've always
dreamed of doing.
384
00:14:58,963 --> 00:15:01,651
I market cigarettes
for a major tobacco company.
385
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:05,112
Well, that... that sounds
like an interesting job.
386
00:15:05,278 --> 00:15:07,031
Thanks. It is.
387
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,658
Besides, it's not like
you market to children.
388
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,475
No. We don't market to children.
389
00:15:11,559 --> 00:15:13,454
Wink.
390
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:16,707
I can't actually wink,
so I just say "wink."
391
00:15:17,874 --> 00:15:18,965
Lydia.
392
00:15:19,017 --> 00:15:20,467
Oh. Hello, Donny.
393
00:15:20,518 --> 00:15:21,879
Who's the suit?
394
00:15:22,045 --> 00:15:23,020
Hi. I'm Andrew.
395
00:15:23,104 --> 00:15:24,471
And, uh, my suit's name is Glen.
396
00:15:24,522 --> 00:15:25,550
(chuckles)
397
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,093
I don't get that.
398
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:28,344
That's just a joke.
399
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:29,971
You a comedian?
No.
400
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,181
Why are you standing?
401
00:15:34,082 --> 00:15:36,143
It's what you do when you meet
a friend's acquaintance.
402
00:15:36,309 --> 00:15:38,268
Acquaintance. Right.
403
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:39,814
I don't want to interrupt.
404
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:43,957
FYI, your body looks bangin' tonight.
405
00:15:44,008 --> 00:15:45,570
Whatever.
406
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:46,654
Is that a friend of yours?
407
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:47,961
Oh, that's just my ex-boyfriend.
408
00:15:48,012 --> 00:15:49,323
This is his restaurant.
409
00:15:49,489 --> 00:15:51,131
You brought me
to your ex's restaurant?
410
00:15:51,182 --> 00:15:53,578
I mean... I mean, what if he
does something to my food?
411
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,269
Why would he do anything to you?
412
00:15:55,336 --> 00:15:57,456
You're not the one
who cheated on him.
413
00:15:57,622 --> 00:15:59,222
Think that makes sense.
414
00:15:59,307 --> 00:16:01,544
(laughter)
415
00:16:05,813 --> 00:16:08,342
Lydia, would you excuse me
for one second?
416
00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:10,428
Oh, sure.
(clears throat)
417
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,502
It's unbelievable.
418
00:16:12,570 --> 00:16:13,853
Hey.
419
00:16:13,905 --> 00:16:15,558
Hope I'm not, uh, interrupting.
420
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,074
Andrew.
What are you doing here?
421
00:16:17,158 --> 00:16:18,909
And your jacket's unbuttoned.
422
00:16:18,993 --> 00:16:20,271
Are you okay?
423
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,647
May I speak to you
in private, please?
424
00:16:21,813 --> 00:16:22,732
You can speak to me right here.
425
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:23,914
What are you doing?
426
00:16:23,998 --> 00:16:25,365
You have a husband who loves you.
427
00:16:25,416 --> 00:16:27,612
He's probably sitting
at home right now, heartbroken.
428
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:28,919
No, he's not.
He's fine with it.
429
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:29,947
He's right over there.
430
00:16:30,113 --> 00:16:31,888
What?
431
00:16:31,973 --> 00:16:33,840
Mike?
432
00:16:33,891 --> 00:16:36,059
Oh, hello, Andrew.
433
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,540
Mike.
Andrew.
434
00:16:39,706 --> 00:16:42,209
Oh, unbuttoned. You okay?
435
00:16:43,568 --> 00:16:45,087
What are you doing here?
436
00:16:45,253 --> 00:16:46,603
Oh, I'm just sitting at the bar,
437
00:16:46,688 --> 00:16:49,091
enjoying a bit of sherry
and some udon noodles.
438
00:16:49,257 --> 00:16:51,057
No, I mean... your wife is over there
439
00:16:51,109 --> 00:16:52,326
having dinner with another man.
440
00:16:52,393 --> 00:16:53,429
Doesn't that bother you?
441
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,911
Well, I suppose I do have
442
00:16:54,996 --> 00:16:57,531
a bit of a green-eyed monster
raging inside me.
443
00:16:57,582 --> 00:16:58,934
Deep down, of course.
444
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,067
You can't let her
get away with this, Mike.
445
00:17:01,119 --> 00:17:02,688
Tell her how you feel.
446
00:17:02,854 --> 00:17:04,404
Wouldn't want to poke
the sleeping bear, Andrew.
447
00:17:04,455 --> 00:17:06,673
She doesn't want to come home
after a hard day's work
448
00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:08,074
and deal with my theatrics.
449
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,487
Her words.
450
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:10,988
Maybe that's exactly what she wants.
451
00:17:11,154 --> 00:17:13,366
Maybe this is all about trying
to get a rise out of you.
452
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,516
Look, Mike, life is a big bully,
453
00:17:16,584 --> 00:17:19,553
and it punches you in the face
over and over again
454
00:17:19,604 --> 00:17:21,499
unless you punch back.
455
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:24,391
You're right. I should
be more aggressive.
456
00:17:24,442 --> 00:17:26,379
No, I'm not feeling it.
457
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:27,922
Come on. You...
458
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,780
All right.
459
00:17:29,864 --> 00:17:31,634
(groans)
Like that man over there.
460
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,619
Look, he's practically
having sex with that lady.
461
00:17:35,703 --> 00:17:38,538
Seriously?
462
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,608
Hello.
463
00:17:41,659 --> 00:17:44,939
So you two are having a
bit of a rapprochement.
464
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:46,774
Andrew...
465
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:48,215
I am so sorry,
466
00:17:48,282 --> 00:17:49,883
but I still have feelings for Donny.
467
00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:51,168
He's like a big cigarette.
468
00:17:51,252 --> 00:17:52,886
I just can't quit.
469
00:17:52,953 --> 00:17:54,407
DONNY:
Hey.
470
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,139
Tell you what, little man.
471
00:17:56,224 --> 00:17:59,286
How about I go ahead and comp
these spring rolls for you?
472
00:18:01,896 --> 00:18:07,253
ANDREW: Sometimes a gentleman must
shake the hand of his rival.
473
00:18:08,628 --> 00:18:09,755
Comp this.
474
00:18:11,539 --> 00:18:15,052
But sometimes a bitch slap
just works better.
475
00:18:15,343 --> 00:18:17,388
JERRY:
"But sometimes a bitch slap
476
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,098
(laughs):
just works better."
477
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:20,558
I love this.
It's young.
478
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:21,815
It's macho.
479
00:18:21,866 --> 00:18:24,311
It is exactly what they want.
480
00:18:24,477 --> 00:18:25,604
What'd you do to your hair?
481
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:28,205
I just touched up the gray a bit.
482
00:18:28,289 --> 00:18:30,609
Too much?
483
00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:33,126
Well, you...
you kind of look like...
484
00:18:33,177 --> 00:18:34,447
Ben Affleck?
485
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:35,995
ANDREW: A gentleman
never tells another man
486
00:18:36,047 --> 00:18:37,798
that he doesn't look
like Ben Affleck.
487
00:18:37,849 --> 00:18:39,160
Sure.
488
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,884
(chuckling)
489
00:18:42,829 --> 00:18:43,887
Hey, Bert.
490
00:18:43,971 --> 00:18:45,416
This is for you.
491
00:18:47,508 --> 00:18:51,005
"For Bert.
Thanks for your fried nips."
492
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,696
Friendship.
493
00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:54,967
The word is "friendship."
494
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:56,683
That makes more sense.
495
00:18:56,734 --> 00:18:59,096
You got the handwriting of a pirate.
496
00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:02,183
It's calligraphy.
497
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:03,809
What's this?
498
00:19:03,975 --> 00:19:06,359
That is my credit card info.
499
00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:08,328
I, uh... I'd like to become
500
00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:10,997
an official member
of Bert's Body Shop.
501
00:19:11,048 --> 00:19:13,867
Maybe find out what step three is?
502
00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:20,557
You know, when I first
took this place over,
503
00:19:20,641 --> 00:19:22,976
my old man said
I'd probably screw it up,
504
00:19:23,043 --> 00:19:25,044
like everything else.
505
00:19:25,096 --> 00:19:28,265
This right here...
this says I'm not a screwup.
506
00:19:28,349 --> 00:19:31,067
It says that a smart guy
like you trusts me.
507
00:19:31,152 --> 00:19:33,069
It says, "Screw you, Pops!
508
00:19:33,154 --> 00:19:35,221
"Look at me now, you son of a bitch.
509
00:19:35,273 --> 00:19:37,092
I'm somebody."
510
00:19:38,242 --> 00:19:39,910
Thanks, Andrew.
511
00:19:39,994 --> 00:19:43,182
Thanks for helping me
rub it in the old man's face.
512
00:19:44,448 --> 00:19:46,393
That's what fried nips is all about.
513
00:19:50,176 --> 00:19:51,565
Ready to feel the burn, Bert.
514
00:19:51,731 --> 00:19:52,727
Oh, hello, Andrew.
515
00:19:52,812 --> 00:19:54,045
Mike, what are you doing here?
516
00:19:54,096 --> 00:19:55,180
I'm a member here now.
517
00:19:55,231 --> 00:19:56,598
I like what Bert's done for you.
518
00:19:56,682 --> 00:19:57,822
It's already rubbed off on me.
519
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,734
I gave that Craig a bitch slap.
520
00:19:59,819 --> 00:20:01,269
And I stood up to Janet.
521
00:20:01,354 --> 00:20:02,604
Had quite a night.
522
00:20:02,688 --> 00:20:04,078
Two positions and a kiss.
523
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:07,225
Thanks for the new client, dude.
524
00:20:07,276 --> 00:20:09,542
Everything he says,
I want to hug him.
525
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:10,779
Ah, well, look at that.
526
00:20:10,863 --> 00:20:12,247
I guess, uh, I helped you, too.
527
00:20:12,331 --> 00:20:14,755
Actually, there are a few
other ways I think I can help.
528
00:20:14,921 --> 00:20:15,917
You see, proper gym etiquette
529
00:20:16,002 --> 00:20:17,169
mandates that you need to...
530
00:20:17,236 --> 00:20:18,453
(groans)
Dead arm!
531
00:20:18,538 --> 00:20:19,718
What was that?
532
00:20:19,884 --> 00:20:21,239
You were being you.
533
00:20:21,290 --> 00:20:22,721
We'll fix that.
534
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:24,676
Come on.
535
00:20:24,801 --> 00:20:26,958
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com