1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:02,231
(SHOWER RUNNlNG)

2
00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:09,032
What are you doing?

3
00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:12,340
You always use up
all the hot water.
I'll be quick.

4
00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:14,508
Okay. I don't want
to use the soap

5
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,845
after you've put it
all over your business.

6
00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:19,441
There's no such thing
as dirty soap.

7
00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:22,115
Okay. Now I'm freezing.

8
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:23,950
Okay. Come here.

9
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:32,093
Okay. Okay. I'm drowning.
You're water-boarding me.

10
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:33,689
Okay. We'll switch places.
Come over here.

11
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:35,724
Oh, my God!
(SHRlEKS)
Oh!

12
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,793
Here.
Just turn around.
Okay. I'm...

13
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,497
Hey, get those
out of my face.

14
00:00:39,572 --> 00:00:42,871
Okay. They're spring fresh.
You have to admit that.

15
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,239
WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped
in front of a live
studio audience.

16
00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,405
You heard me.

17
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:51,480
And then, they showed up
late to the restaurant,
which was so rude.

18
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:52,575
Uh-huh.

19
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,451
So, I shot them
in the face.

20
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:56,750
Uh-huh.

21
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,290
And then, I had sex
with their dead bodies.

22
00:00:58,358 --> 00:00:59,347
Uh-huh.

23
00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:01,856
Then, I gave birth to
a full-grown panda.

24
00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:03,225
Uh-huh.

25
00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:04,523
Lily.
What?

26
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:05,928
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

27
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:08,058
I'm trying to find this
bartender, Sklaves,

28
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,034
who pops up
in different bars
every night.

29
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,570
He makes these
exotic drinks.

30
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:14,630
It's like he's not
just a bartender.

31
00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:16,231
He's an artist.

32
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:19,240
So, he's got two jobs
his parents aren't
proud of.

33
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:20,370
Yeah.

34
00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:22,439
There's a rumor he's going
to be at Bar Bar tonight,

35
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:23,982
so I'm just
checking Twitter.

36
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:26,746
Ooh, my friend, Gary,
just had coffee cake.

37
00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:28,644
Hey.

38
00:01:28,721 --> 00:01:29,710
Hello.
Hi.

39
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,984
I can't stay.
I have a date
with that architect.

40
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,047
Oh.

41
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:35,321
Hi. Can I have
a chardonnay to go?

44
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,964
I love first dates.
There's so much
sexy tension.

45
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,832
No, no.
They're too much work.

46
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:45,962
I don't want
the first date.

47
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:47,131
I actually want year two.

48
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,134
You know? I want
to be able to sleep
with my retainer

49
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,234
and fart.

50
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,274
Every relationship has
to start with a first date.

51
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:56,574
Alex and I didn't
have a first date.

52
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,775
Of course you did.
Mmm-mmm. No.

53
00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:00,046
We met at a bar,
we got drunk,
and we slept together.

54
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,587
Oh.
Wow.

55
00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:03,120
I'm a whore.

56
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,689
But the first date is
the best part, you know?

57
00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:08,386
Like, dressing up,
learning about each other,

58
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,292
not knowing when
he's going to kiss you.

59
00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:11,660
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God.

60
00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:12,891
Hi. I thought you were
going to meet me outside.

61
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,366
(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)
I'm not going to let
you walk to the car alone.

62
00:02:15,435 --> 00:02:17,335
Oh.
Plus, there was
a very large man outside

63
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:20,895
with a neck tattoo
who asked me
if I liked Bonnie Raitt.

64
00:02:21,941 --> 00:02:24,102
Damn, Neal.
Why are you
so dressed up?

65
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,576
I'm taking Lily
out to dinner.

66
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,408
Huh. Alex and I went
to dinner last night,

67
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,971
and he wore
his "dressy Crocs."

68
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:34,682
Yeah, well,
Lily and I haven't
totally given up.

69
00:02:35,054 --> 00:02:37,318
Aw. You will.

70
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:40,720
(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TV)

71
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:42,623
Hi.
Hey.

72
00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:43,957
(KlSSlNG)

73
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,657
(TURNS OFF TV)

74
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:46,790
Why are you
turning it off?

75
00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:48,561
Just 'cause
you'll ruin it.

76
00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:53,028
(SlGHS) You know,
I was thinking.
Yeah?

77
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,403
Do you remember
our first date?

78
00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:55,771
Yeah. It was love
at first sight.

79
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,434
I was so drunk,
I could hardly walk.

80
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:03,241
Yeah, but you looked
so hot falling out
of that cab.

81
00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:06,851
That's my point, okay?

82
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,547
Do you realize
we never had
a first date?

83
00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:10,851
We never got to
dress up and flirt

84
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,358
and have that
sexy tension.

85
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:17,452
Well, we never had
that sexy tension
because we had actual sex.

86
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,193
You know that's
way better, right?

87
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,426
Okay.

88
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,594
I want you to
take me on a date.

89
00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:26,128
Okay.
Let's go on a date.

90
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:29,198
A first date.
And you have to
ask me properly.

91
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:32,206
Uh...

92
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,005
Okay. Uh...

93
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:36,576
Would you like to go
on a date this evening?

94
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,310
Ooh. (EXHALES)

95
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,387
Tonight's not good.
I have plans.

96
00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:55,157
Whit, I can see
your phone.

97
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:04,904
You're playing
Angry Birds.

98
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:11,143
Okay. What about
tomorrow night?

99
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:13,776
Oh. (EXHALES)

100
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:18,918
I guess I could make
tomorrow night work.

101
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,550
But you have to
treat it like a real date

102
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:23,460
and you have to look nice
and you have to pick me up.

103
00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:25,224
Okay, then, you have to
treat it like a real date

104
00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:27,391
and you have to
hide the fact
that you're insane.

105
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,828
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

106
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:40,739
Hi.
Hi.

107
00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:43,008
I've got to grab
something real quick.

108
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:45,383
But this isn't
your apartment.

109
00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:49,715
This is our first date.
So, not sure what of yours
would be in here.

110
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,355
Right.

111
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,222
Well, I forgot my wallet
at home,

112
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,887
so can I borrow
your roommate's wallet

113
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,158
with my credit cards
and l.D. in it?

114
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:02,692
Wait.
You're wearing jeans?

115
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:03,861
I thought
we were dressing up.

116
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:05,301
These are my good jeans.

117
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,437
You paid to have them
hemmed, remember?
Okay.

118
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,750
Hey.
No.

119
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:22,980
Put my jacket on for me.

120
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,547
Oh. Okay. I will.

121
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:30,623
There you go.

122
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,165
Bend your arm.
Oh.

123
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:37,429
It's like trying
to put a coat
on a Christmas tree.

124
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:38,629
Okay.
Come on.

125
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,172
I'm sorry. Okay.

126
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:45,136
This is fun.

127
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,172
Yeah. This is fun.

128
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:51,045
The last guy I dated
never liked going
to new places.

129
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,914
Sounds like a guy
with a really big penis.

130
00:05:56,589 --> 00:05:58,079
What can I get
you two this evening?

131
00:05:58,324 --> 00:05:59,689
(CLEARS THROAT)

132
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:10,735
No. What? No.
Order for me.

133
00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:15,263
Oh. Okay.
Do you have chicken in
an anti-psychotic sauce?

134
00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:20,137
Time out.
That's not funny.

135
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:22,774
And I had chicken
for lunch.

136
00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:26,276
Time... Time out.
You're impossible.

137
00:06:26,352 --> 00:06:27,580
Okay. Okay.

138
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,851
Okay. So, yeah.
She'll have the chicken
and I'll have the enchiladas.

139
00:06:31,090 --> 00:06:33,058
Okay. (CHUCKLlNG)

140
00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,624
So, where are you from?

141
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,263
Wait. Are we still
in time out?

142
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:46,100
Oh, no, no. Sorry.
Uh, time in.

143
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,403
Where are you from?

144
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,170
Montana.

145
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:54,839
What? No, you're not.

146
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:55,903
Look. Okay, wait.

147
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,540
Do you want me to be
someone else or not?
I don't...

148
00:06:57,617 --> 00:06:59,676
And if I can be
someone else,

149
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:00,980
am I allowed to
be Jason Statham?

150
00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,179
Okay. No.

151
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,151
Be yourself,
just pretend we don't
know each other yet

152
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:05,212
because it's
a first date.

153
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:06,280
Oh.

154
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:09,988
You know?
Like, tell me a story
that I've never heard before.

155
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:12,356
Oh. And only I can
call time outs.

156
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,729
Time in.

157
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,659
Okay. A story you've never
heard before. Okay.

158
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:19,329
This one time,
my parents went away

159
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:23,899
for Christmas vacation
and I had to
hold down the fort

160
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:27,173
and beat these two crooks
that tried to
break in the house.

161
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:30,277
Okay. Are... Is it...
Are you just saying
Home Alone?

162
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:31,543
I love that movie.
I love... I love
that movie.

163
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,778
Okay. Why...
Why would you lie...
Why would you...

164
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:38,481
(CLEARS THROAT)

165
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:39,949
Don't you want
to ask about me?

166
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,550
I'm... I'm good.
I googled you.

167
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:47,560
Ugh! I'm so full.

168
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:51,069
I begged that guy
to stop bringing us chips.

169
00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:55,140
Time out.
Would you really
do that on a first date?

170
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,171
I don't know.
And how many
time outs do you get?

171
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,468
Fine.

172
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:04,783
I had a lovely date
with you this evening,
madame.

173
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,244
You're mocking me. Okay?

174
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,289
You haven't taken
tonight seriously at all.

175
00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:12,085
Only because
this is ridiculous.

176
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:16,491
Oh. Well,
if I'm so ridiculous,
then goodnight.

177
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:20,559
(DOOR LOCKlNG)

178
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:25,193
Whit, I'm still out here.

179
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:26,431
I know.

180
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,734
You think maybe
I could come in?

181
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,142
I don't sleep with guys
on the first date.

182
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:33,144
Not that kind of girl.

183
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,370
Yeah, you are.

184
00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:44,180
What's up, buttercup?

185
00:08:45,791 --> 00:08:47,418
Hey, can I hang in here
for a bit?

186
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:48,858
Whit won't let me
in the apartment.

187
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,155
You broke up?
No.

188
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:51,628
We're... We're seeing
other people,

189
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:54,689
but the other
people are us.

190
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,435
Listen.
It is okay, man.

191
00:08:58,504 --> 00:09:00,199
Everyone breaks up
eventually.

192
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:03,401
We are not meant to
be with one person
for that long.

193
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,341
Three years. I mean...

194
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:08,473
You want to have
pizza every night
for three years?

195
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,505
Yeah, actually.

196
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:14,118
Okay. Bad example.
The same vagina?

197
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:20,720
So, this feels like
a good time to ask you
to put a shirt on.

198
00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:22,524
All right.

199
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,059
So, what happened?

200
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,291
Whit asked me
to take her out
on a first date,

201
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,197
and I kind of acted
like a jerk about it.

202
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:30,826
And now, I actually
kind of feel bad.

203
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:33,165
Playing games.
I like it.

204
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,099
Saucy little minx.

205
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:39,209
So, she wants you
to play first date?

206
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:41,639
(LAUGHlNG)
Play first date.

207
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,375
Well, so,
what am I supposed to do?
I don't know the rules.

208
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:48,147
You don't need rules.
You've got the cheat codes
right here.

209
00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:50,978
The first move
is no move.

210
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,749
That's not anything,
Mark.

211
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,028
So, what would you do
if this were a first date?

212
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:59,654
I don't know. I mean,
I suppose I would
wait a day to call her.

213
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:00,790
I mean, I don't want
to seem pathetic.

214
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,561
That's the no move move.

215
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:09,002
If you call her now,
she might get pissed that
you're not playing along.

216
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:10,466
Yeah, yeah.
Okay. All right.

217
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,238
You know what, then?
I'm going to treat this
like a real date

218
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:13,471
and I'm not going to
call her until tomorrow.

219
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,446
Ifyou call at all.

220
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,615
He did, like, a bow.

221
00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:22,153
I mean, he didn't
take it seriously at all.
And he made fun of me.

222
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,620
So, I shut the door
in his face

223
00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:25,418
and he slept
God knows where.

224
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:26,680
Downstairs at Mark's.

225
00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:28,484
Well, obviously.

226
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:31,254
But I like
to think he suffered
somewhere out in the rain.

227
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,193
But it hasn't...
Okay.
It was an emotional rain.

228
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,202
All right.
So, are you still
playing the game?

229
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:39,259
Or... Or... Or not?

230
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,635
I'm not 100% sure.

231
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,637
But I'm not giving in.

232
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:43,697
So, what's the plan?

233
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:46,540
The plan is he's going
to call and apologize.

234
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:48,409
And, you know,
we're going to
go out again.

235
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,971
And this time,
he's going to do it right.

236
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,915
And the sexual tension
is going to build until we
burst through that door,

237
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,510
just tearing
at each other's clothes.

238
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,215
We're not even going
to make it to the bedroom.

239
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:58,688
We're just going to,
like, destroy the couch.

240
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,817
And the couch is
going to be like, "Back off.
That's what beds are for."

241
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:02,884
And I'm going to be like,
"Suck it, couch.
I got you at lKEA.

242
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,396
"Stop pretending
you're all Ethan Allen."

243
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,367
Okay. When's he going
to call to get this
whole thing rolling?

244
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:13,405
Oh. Any minute.

245
00:11:21,213 --> 00:11:25,240
Whit,
has this window seat
ever been bad?

246
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:29,511
Oh. Valentine's Day.
It learned its lesson.

247
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:31,914
Huh.

248
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:47,964
Okay. Plan B.
Why don't I call him?

249
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:49,598
No!
No!

250
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:53,537
We can run for President,
but we still can't call a guy
after the first date.

251
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:54,903
Amazing.

252
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:57,005
Hey. Maybe his phone died.

253
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:58,641
Maybe he dropped
his phone.

254
00:11:58,718 --> 00:11:59,844
In a quarry.

255
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,649
Maybe he likes you
too much.

256
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,746
He's afraid
to get too close.

257
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,654
You know what?
None of these are true.

258
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,955
These are lies
we tell ourselves
to rationalize

259
00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:09,016
why guys
aren't calling us.

260
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:10,926
But you know what?
I can play games, too.

261
00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:15,296
I once dated identical twins
while pretending
to be identical twins.

262
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:19,734
Yes. Yes. Games.
I'm liking it.

263
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:22,668
You should update
your Facebook status
to make him jealous.

264
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:26,200
"Whitney is
on Jason's yacht.
Topless."

265
00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:31,244
Okay.
In the unlikely event
that that doesn't work...

266
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,718
I don't know.
Just... Just think.

267
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:36,812
What did you used to do
after a first date,
back when you were single?

268
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,652
Oh. I would dress up slutty
and try to run into him
somewhere.

269
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:40,749
Okay.
Let's make that happen.

270
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:41,952
Okay. Ah!

271
00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:43,426
He always goes to
get coffee at, like, 4:00.

272
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:46,329
So, he'll probably be
in our lobby.

273
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,832
So, you're going
to stalk a man
you already live with.

274
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,060
Of course.
Absolutely.

275
00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:52,168
Just making sure.

276
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,214
Whoa.

277
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,279
Don't fall out
of your dress.

278
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,292
You've been on one date
with this girl.

279
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,759
Play the game.

280
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:17,387
I got it.

281
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:20,960
(CLEARS THROAT)

282
00:13:22,401 --> 00:13:23,459
Hey.

283
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:25,192
Hey.

284
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:27,797
What's up?

285
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:31,841
Nothing. You know,
just been super busy.

286
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,340
Oh, yeah. Me, too.

287
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,339
Things have been
uber cray-cray.

288
00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:43,415
Yeah, well,
I should probably...
I should probably bounce.

289
00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:45,383
Oh, yeah. Me, too.

290
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,857
I just... I've got
all this mail,

291
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:50,054
and Pottery Barn
is blowing me up.

292
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:52,586
Mmm.

293
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,594
Is that your shoe?

294
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,604
Oh, no. I don't know
what that is. (CHUCKLES)

295
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:03,900
Late.

296
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:08,208
Hey, man.
I played it cool.

297
00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:10,875
I committed 100%
to the first date thing.

298
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:12,144
I barely even
talked to her.

299
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:15,187
Good. That's the attitude
you've got to have,
now that you're single.

300
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,656
Women are trickier now.

301
00:14:18,724 --> 00:14:20,521
You know, a lot of them
have confidence

302
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,220
because they make
their own money.

303
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,723
So, you've got
to be super mean to them.

304
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,456
What happened?

305
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,832
I feel like it went
pretty well.

306
00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:33,701
You acted like
a complete moron?

307
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:35,736
Yes, I did.
How did you know that?

308
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,466
It's, like, a rule that,
after a date,

309
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,170
you have to completely
embarrass yourself.

310
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,770
After my first date with Neal,
I threw up in his aquarium.

311
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:43,604
Neal has an aquarium?

312
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,311
Not anymore.

313
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,349
Listen. You forgot that
on the first date,
you have all the power.

314
00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:50,911
But after that,
the guy has it.

315
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:54,184
I might have said
"uber cray-cray."

316
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,691
(GROANS)
Oh, that hurts
my feelings.

317
00:14:57,463 --> 00:15:00,364
So, I heard you had to
go on a first date.

318
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,660
Yeah. And I nailed it.

319
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,762
Living with Mark
is nailing it?

320
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:08,665
Yeah.

321
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:12,708
So, what's your next play?

322
00:15:12,811 --> 00:15:14,335
All right.
Here's what
I'm going to do.

323
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,608
I'm going to text her
to let her know
I'm thinking about her.

324
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:19,310
But I'm going to
play it cool.
All right?

325
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,511
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

326
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:25,421
Wrote "Yo."

327
00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:29,256
No.
Nailed it.

328
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:31,454
Ha. It's Alex.

329
00:15:32,464 --> 00:15:34,022
He wrote "Yo."

330
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:37,399
Why did he write "Yo"?

331
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:41,696
Mmm, he probably meant
to send a text to 1992.

332
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:47,105
I don't know, but Sklaves
is going to be bartending
at Black Market tonight.

333
00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:48,305
We have to go.

334
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:50,007
You know what? Fine.

335
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,346
I am not going to
wait around here for
my boyfriend to call me

336
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:54,750
'cause I have
a little something
called dignity.

337
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:55,844
Okay. Whit?

338
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:59,220
As long as you're on
that dignity train,
you might want to change.

339
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,854
You look like
Hello Kitty's slutty sister.

340
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:05,987
(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

341
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:07,689
Ah.
Ooh.

342
00:16:07,766 --> 00:16:08,858
What is this?
Oh, yeah.

343
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,198
These are the amazing
maple martinis.

344
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,567
Cheers.
Hmm.

345
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:15,863
Uh-oh.
No.

346
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:19,238
This is the greatest
drink I've ever had.

347
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,743
There's no way this place
has better burgers
than Greasy Rick's.

348
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:27,010
But this place has
100% less Band-Aids
in their meat.

349
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:35,119
Oh, my God.
You guys, he's here.

350
00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:36,653
Who?
Alex.

351
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:38,997
Can you believe it?
No way. Crazy.

352
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,230
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
He just looked over here.

353
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:44,964
I'm going to go say hi.

354
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:48,267
No, that's desperate.
Let's go dance.
Alex will love it.

355
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,399
Come on.
Nope.
You guys go ahead.

356
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,674
I'm an adult.

357
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:57,208
Okay, dance sexy.

358
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,753
No. No, I said dance sexy.

359
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,727
He's looking over here.

360
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,322
Oh, my God.
He totally is.

361
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:15,491
We should make out.
What?

362
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,501
Yeah.
Girls do that now.
Guys are super into it.

363
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,036
I know. I watch VH1.

364
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:21,729
Okay. Okay.
On three. Okay.

365
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:22,831
Ready?
Okay.

366
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:25,399
One, two, three.
Okay, no. I'm...
I'm going to go right.

367
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:26,876
Okay. I'm going to
go my right.
I'm going to go right.

368
00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:28,071
Right.
Okay. Ready?

369
00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:29,739
One, two, three.

370
00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:31,614
(LAUGHS) Stop.

371
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:32,672
I'm sorry.
Focus.

372
00:17:32,751 --> 00:17:34,446
I'm sorry. Blah.
Okay.
Okay.

373
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,283
One, two, three.
Oh!

374
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:39,588
Mobile upload.

375
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:44,361
Lil, what the hell
was that?

376
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:45,522
What? I went to Vassar.

377
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,660
Where did he go?
Uh, I'll go look
for him.

378
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,543
Oh, my God. Hi.

379
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,376
Hi.
Nothing.

380
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:05,305
Hi.

381
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,181
Can I sit here,
or are you waiting
for your girlfriend?

382
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:11,349
That's not serious.

383
00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:13,187
Hi.
Hey.

384
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,247
Can I get you two
anything?

385
00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:15,987
Uh, yeah, I'll have
a Jack and Coke.

386
00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:19,030
And then, she'll have
a vodka with soda
with a splash of lime.

387
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,531
Okay. Be right back.

388
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:21,691
Thanks.

389
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,899
You look great.
Really?

390
00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:27,165
(CHUCKLlNG)
It's just a shirt.

391
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:29,638
Well, it's working.

392
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,640
Oh. Sorry. It's, like,
freezing in here.

393
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:34,235
Oh, here.
Take my jacket.

394
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:35,744
Oh.

395
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:43,482
Thanks.

396
00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:50,619
You did
a good thing tonight.

397
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:52,626
They never would
have worked this out
on their own.

398
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,223
Why is everyone else
so bad at love?

399
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:56,999
I don't know.

400
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:02,036
And, hon?
It's okay to admit it.
These drinks are awful.

401
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:07,139
They are. I just feel
like I've put so much
time into this.

402
00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:10,371
Hello, Roxanne.

403
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:11,541
Mark.

404
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:15,880
You want to see a video
of two girls making out?

405
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:18,949
Yeah, all right.

406
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,657
So, the guy is scolding
his parrot.

407
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,025
He's like,
"Not your name. My name."

408
00:19:24,129 --> 00:19:25,323
I was like, "Dude,
what's it matter?

409
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:26,659
"You're going to get
your coffee, anyway."

410
00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:31,397
What are you... What?

411
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:33,495
Uh, you have an eyelash.

412
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:40,805
Can I kiss you?

413
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,171
Sure. Yeah, I mean,
if you want.

414
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:58,522
You know, I know that,
we barely know each other.

415
00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:04,668
And this might sound
kind of cray-cray,

416
00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:10,574
but do you want
to come back
to my apartment

417
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:15,102
and meet my dog?

418
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,912
You have a dog?

419
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:21,846
Sure.

420
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,427
(MOANlNG)

421
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:40,570
Ah. Sorry, couch.
I warned you.

422
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,201
This is the best second date
I've ever been on.

423
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:46,843
Mmm. Wait, wait, wait.

424
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:50,047
Just so you know,
I'm a virgin.

425
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,379
Whit, I love you.

426
00:20:55,687 --> 00:20:57,052
But that's
just crazy talk.