1
00:00:00,386 --> 00:00:02,785
Hi, it's been 20 minutes.
Have you decided?

2
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:04,885
Uh, we still need more time,
can you come back?

3
00:00:05,186 --> 00:00:07,285
Sure. And I'm back.

4
00:00:08,386 --> 00:00:11,185
Come on guys you're not buying a house.
Everything sucks.

5
00:00:11,586 --> 00:00:13,985
Pick the thing that sucks the least,
and put it in you mouth.

6
00:00:14,386 --> 00:00:16,285
Max, everyone keeps telling me
they can't decide,

7
00:00:16,586 --> 00:00:18,585
it's like a support group
for bi-sexuals.

8
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:21,885
Something very magical
about to happen...

9
00:00:23,386 --> 00:00:25,037
Please let it be
the rapture.

10
00:00:25,039 --> 00:00:26,605
I need a day off.

11
00:00:26,607 --> 00:00:30,259
In two minutes,
something very hip is happening.

12
00:00:30,261 --> 00:00:31,427
If you have a camera,

13
00:00:31,429 --> 00:00:34,013
make sure the flash
is on.

14
00:00:34,015 --> 00:00:36,715
Why is he speaking
like that?

15
00:00:36,717 --> 00:00:38,884
Wait a minute.

16
00:00:38,886 --> 00:00:40,436
No one's ordering.

17
00:00:40,438 --> 00:00:42,772
People keep checking the time
on their phones.

18
00:00:42,774 --> 00:00:47,176
Everyone's wearing
matching new balance sneakers.

19
00:00:47,178 --> 00:00:48,661
Both: Flash mob!

20
00:00:48,663 --> 00:00:49,779
[Lmfao's <i>party rock anthem]</i>

21
00:00:49,781 --> 00:00:52,414
♪ Party rockers
in the house tonight ♪

22
00:00:52,416 --> 00:00:54,350
♪ whoo!
Everybody just... ♪

23
00:00:54,352 --> 00:00:56,152
Oh, hell, no!

24
00:00:56,154 --> 00:00:57,903
Caroline, Earl,
code red!

25
00:00:57,905 --> 00:01:00,222
♪ Make you lose your mind ♪

26
00:01:00,224 --> 00:01:03,192
♪ everybody just
have a good time ♪

27
00:01:03,194 --> 00:01:04,693
♪ let's go ♪

28
00:01:04,695 --> 00:01:07,163
♪ party rockers in the... ♪
[Music stops]

29
00:01:07,165 --> 00:01:08,580
[All scream]

30
00:01:08,582 --> 00:01:10,132
I couldn't stop disco,
but I'll be damned

31
00:01:10,134 --> 00:01:13,269
if any more of that crap
gets by me.

32
00:01:15,388 --> 00:01:17,473
Why is flash mob over?

33
00:01:17,475 --> 00:01:20,109
Flash mobs were over
a year ago.

34
00:01:20,111 --> 00:01:22,111
Nobody told Han!

35
00:01:22,113 --> 00:01:23,646
I want so bad to be hip.

36
00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:26,715
Start by
never saying that again.

37
00:01:26,717 --> 00:01:29,151
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

38
00:01:29,153 --> 00:01:30,653
[Cash register bell dings]

39
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:35,991
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

40
00:01:37,016 --> 00:01:40,016
Sync and corrections by GeirDM
for www.addic7ed.com

41
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,931
[telephone ringing]

42
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,046
Hello?

43
00:02:02,048 --> 00:02:03,214
Max, phone!

44
00:02:03,216 --> 00:02:05,466
No!

45
00:02:05,468 --> 00:02:06,968
What are you doing?

46
00:02:06,970 --> 00:02:08,502
Never answer the wall phone!

47
00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:09,470
What? Why?

48
00:02:09,472 --> 00:02:10,972
Only two people
call the wall...

49
00:02:10,974 --> 00:02:12,173
collection agencies

50
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,891
and the landlord, looking
for the original tenant

51
00:02:13,893 --> 00:02:14,809
whose name is on the lease!

52
00:02:14,811 --> 00:02:16,427
- Hang up. Quick!
- Too late.

53
00:02:16,429 --> 00:02:18,145
I've got to man up
and face it.

54
00:02:18,147 --> 00:02:20,564
[Breathes deeply]

55
00:02:20,566 --> 00:02:23,967
[Imitating an old woman]
Hello?

56
00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,153
This is what collection agency?

57
00:02:26,155 --> 00:02:29,023
No, my granddaughter Max
is not here.

58
00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:30,641
She died.

59
00:02:30,643 --> 00:02:33,077
On her deathbed,
she said it was the stress

60
00:02:33,079 --> 00:02:36,614
of being constantly harassed
by creditors.

61
00:02:36,616 --> 00:02:38,099
That's juvenile.

62
00:02:38,101 --> 00:02:40,601
Give me the phone.

63
00:02:40,603 --> 00:02:42,586
Hi.
So sorry about that.

64
00:02:42,588 --> 00:02:44,121
What's the issue exactly?

65
00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:46,374
Well, I'm sure
she has every intention...

66
00:02:46,376 --> 00:02:47,675
mm-hmm.

67
00:02:47,677 --> 00:02:48,826
Mm-hmm.

68
00:02:48,828 --> 00:02:50,428
Mm-hmm.

69
00:02:50,430 --> 00:02:51,679
Oh.

70
00:02:51,681 --> 00:02:55,633
Well, you're a doody head.

71
00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,134
Never answer the wall.

72
00:02:57,136 --> 00:02:59,253
But what are you
gonna do about it?

73
00:02:59,255 --> 00:03:02,139
You can't just keep lying
to collection agencies.

74
00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:04,392
You have to pay your bills.
I have a system.

75
00:03:04,394 --> 00:03:06,009
I pay everyone
five dollars a week...

76
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:07,728
just enough to keep them
from freaking out.

77
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:10,180
It's the methadone-clinic
banking system.

78
00:03:10,182 --> 00:03:12,900
That is a complete waste
of money.

79
00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:15,286
Five dollars won't even cover
the interest you're accruing.

80
00:03:15,288 --> 00:03:17,038
What's the interest rate
on your credit card?

81
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,489
Don't know,
but my interest rate

82
00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,741
in the conversation is zero.

83
00:03:20,743 --> 00:03:22,993
Max, how could you
not know that?

84
00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:24,211
That's one of the first things

85
00:03:24,213 --> 00:03:25,696
my father taught me
about finance.

86
00:03:25,698 --> 00:03:28,466
Where...
at Embezzle U.?

87
00:03:32,871 --> 00:03:34,972
Max, I interned
at Merrill Lynch.

88
00:03:34,974 --> 00:03:37,808
Let me help you with this.
It's the least I can do.

89
00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:39,927
I had nowhere to go.
You took me in.

90
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,480
Let me repay my debt to you
by helping with your debt

91
00:03:42,482 --> 00:03:45,266
to everyone in the world,
apparently.

92
00:03:45,268 --> 00:03:46,434
If you keep talking,

93
00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:48,769
I'm going to
Merrill <i>Lynch</i> myself.

94
00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:50,521
I'm one of those people

95
00:03:50,523 --> 00:03:53,441
who gets off on untangling
big, complicated messes.

96
00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:55,192
And since you won't let me
do your hair,

97
00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:58,028
let me do your bills.

98
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:02,199
You want to do my bills?

99
00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:05,586
[Grunts]

100
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:10,825
[Groans]
Here's my portfolio.

101
00:04:12,911 --> 00:04:15,346
And, uh, if you find
chocolate sprinkles in there,

102
00:04:15,348 --> 00:04:16,714
they're not chocolate...

103
00:04:16,716 --> 00:04:18,833
Or sprinkles.

104
00:04:24,088 --> 00:04:25,272
Okay.

105
00:04:25,274 --> 00:04:27,591
I've divided your bills
into three categories...

106
00:04:27,593 --> 00:04:30,194
"impossible,"
"next to impossible,"

107
00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:33,781
and "how the hell
did that happen?"

108
00:04:33,783 --> 00:04:36,317
And I've divided my roommate
into three categories...

109
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,202
"annoying,"
"super annoying,"

110
00:04:38,204 --> 00:04:41,489
and "how the hell
did that happen?"

111
00:04:41,491 --> 00:04:42,573
[Bell dings]

112
00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:44,291
I'm closing kitchen
in ten minutes.

113
00:04:44,293 --> 00:04:46,127
I cannot stay later.

114
00:04:46,129 --> 00:04:48,445
I have date with new woman
in my life.

115
00:04:48,447 --> 00:04:50,247
She's very special to me.

116
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:52,133
I think she may be the one.

117
00:04:52,135 --> 00:04:56,137
You are both welcome
to come watch us have sex.

118
00:04:56,139 --> 00:04:57,638
Just putting it out there.

119
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,590
Just put it back in there.

120
00:05:02,126 --> 00:05:04,261
I'm so excited, I don't even
know where to start.

121
00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:05,930
Drumroll, please.

122
00:05:05,932 --> 00:05:08,315
No?
Okay.

123
00:05:08,317 --> 00:05:09,934
Oh, interesting.

124
00:05:09,936 --> 00:05:11,652
Here we have a bill
from the pet castle,

125
00:05:11,654 --> 00:05:14,822
yet you don't have a pet, and
you've never been to a castle...

126
00:05:14,824 --> 00:05:17,441
Oh, except white castle.

127
00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:18,993
You used a credit card
at white castle?

128
00:05:18,995 --> 00:05:22,145
Yep.
That was good weed.

129
00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:24,081
And the pet thing was
'cause I found a stray

130
00:05:24,083 --> 00:05:25,166
and had to have her
cleaned up

131
00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:26,617
before I could get anyone
to take her.

132
00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:28,619
That would also explain
the charge for neutering.

133
00:05:28,621 --> 00:05:30,421
Nah, actually,
that was for me.

134
00:05:30,423 --> 00:05:32,673
Can't have any more
of these coming out.

135
00:05:32,675 --> 00:05:34,324
Do you really think

136
00:05:34,326 --> 00:05:36,493
it's fiscally smart
to be taking in strays?

137
00:05:36,495 --> 00:05:39,663
Good point.
Move out tonight.

138
00:05:39,665 --> 00:05:41,832
What is this...
a student loan?

139
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:45,519
Oh, my God.
Max, you went to college?

140
00:05:45,521 --> 00:05:47,555
That wasn't a judgment.
It was just shocking...

141
00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:52,443
kind of like seeing
a baby smoke on the Internet.

142
00:05:53,678 --> 00:05:55,846
I love that kid.

143
00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:00,367
Max, a student loan is
the worst bill you can ignore.

144
00:06:00,369 --> 00:06:02,069
It can never be expunged.

145
00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:04,371
We're breaking out "expunged"
on a weeknight?

146
00:06:04,373 --> 00:06:06,707
You can't run away
from this bill.

147
00:06:06,709 --> 00:06:08,409
I can run away
from anything.

148
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:11,745
I'm on my fifth identity.

149
00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:13,714
It's just like that
but underwater!

150
00:06:13,716 --> 00:06:14,698
Guys!

151
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,917
Sorry,
we're just closing, guys.

152
00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:19,720
I'll take them, Max.
We need the...

153
00:06:22,224 --> 00:06:25,175
uh, sit anywhere.

154
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:30,064
What was that roadrunner move
you just pulled?

155
00:06:30,066 --> 00:06:32,066
There's still a smoke outline
of your body

156
00:06:32,068 --> 00:06:34,384
Hanging in the air
out there.

157
00:06:34,386 --> 00:06:36,737
Did Wile E. Coyote
just come in the diner?

158
00:06:36,739 --> 00:06:39,456
- No, but my ex-boyfriend did.

159
00:06:39,458 --> 00:06:42,610
Meep, meep.

160
00:06:45,209 --> 00:06:46,525
Why is William
in Brooklyn?

161
00:06:46,527 --> 00:06:48,244
Why is William
in this diner?

162
00:06:48,246 --> 00:06:50,997
Why is every inbred rich guy
named William?

163
00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:54,584
I don't want to see him.

164
00:06:56,553 --> 00:06:57,887
Max, close the door.

165
00:06:57,889 --> 00:06:59,505
I don't want him
to come in here.

166
00:06:59,507 --> 00:07:02,842
Yeah, 'cause that happens
all the time.

167
00:07:02,844 --> 00:07:04,394
Customers come
in the front door

168
00:07:04,396 --> 00:07:05,895
and make a beeline
through the kitchen

169
00:07:05,897 --> 00:07:10,883
to see if there's a waitress
hiding in the walk-in freezer.

170
00:07:10,885 --> 00:07:12,068
Okay, what is the deal?

171
00:07:12,070 --> 00:07:13,319
Tell me fast.

172
00:07:13,321 --> 00:07:16,389
I'm nipping
like crazy in here.

173
00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:20,559
Ooh, you're smuggling some
gumdrops there, too, ice queen.

174
00:07:20,561 --> 00:07:22,946
His name is William Van Horn,
and he's...

175
00:07:24,615 --> 00:07:26,633
I am leaving for sex.

176
00:07:26,635 --> 00:07:30,203
Last chance for threesome,
foursome, possibly fivesome,

177
00:07:30,205 --> 00:07:33,990
if her sister's train
gets in on time.

178
00:07:33,992 --> 00:07:35,174
Oleg, please.

179
00:07:35,176 --> 00:07:36,926
I don't have time
to be harassed right now.

180
00:07:36,928 --> 00:07:38,027
Oh, okay.

181
00:07:38,029 --> 00:07:41,130
I'll see you
and the gumdrops tomorrow.

182
00:07:42,933 --> 00:07:44,183
Story. Go.

183
00:07:44,185 --> 00:07:45,969
We met
at our parents' companies'

184
00:07:45,971 --> 00:07:47,103
parent company picnic.

185
00:07:47,105 --> 00:07:48,688
His family is
the Boston Van Horns...

186
00:07:48,690 --> 00:07:49,772
story.
Stop.

187
00:07:49,774 --> 00:07:50,974
Cut to the end.
Do we hate him?

188
00:07:50,976 --> 00:07:53,259
He dumped me
when I lost all my money...

189
00:07:53,261 --> 00:07:55,395
never called me,
not an email, nothing.

190
00:07:55,397 --> 00:07:56,896
Oh, we hate him.

191
00:07:56,898 --> 00:07:59,148
Wait. Which one's your ex...
the Asian one, the black one?

192
00:07:59,150 --> 00:08:01,701
I'm kidding.
No, seriously.

193
00:08:03,654 --> 00:08:07,373
The white one or the really,
really white one?

194
00:08:08,826 --> 00:08:11,661
Really, really white.

195
00:08:11,663 --> 00:08:14,547
[Chanting]
Service, service, service,

196
00:08:14,549 --> 00:08:17,166
service, service, serv...

197
00:08:17,168 --> 00:08:18,918
you heard your bro.
Service him.

198
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,471
All:
Oh, crushed!

199
00:08:21,473 --> 00:08:23,006
Hey, you better be careful,

200
00:08:23,008 --> 00:08:24,757
'cause I can give you a run
for your money.

201
00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:26,059
I don't have any money.

202
00:08:26,061 --> 00:08:27,977
Well, with a body like that,
you don't need any.

203
00:08:27,979 --> 00:08:30,346
- Oh! Ba-bam!
[Laughs]

204
00:08:30,348 --> 00:08:32,231
Did you actually think
that was a good line,

205
00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:33,232
or is that what you do

206
00:08:33,234 --> 00:08:35,101
so the check gets paid
by Richie Rich?

207
00:08:35,103 --> 00:08:36,819
Hold on.
Who said I was rich?

208
00:08:36,821 --> 00:08:38,571
- Let me see your Hands.
- What...

209
00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:40,857
looking to see if I have
poor-people calluses?

210
00:08:40,859 --> 00:08:44,377
No, I wanted to see
how big your penis is.

211
00:08:45,996 --> 00:08:48,414
With Hands that size,
you better be rich.

212
00:08:48,416 --> 00:08:51,534
Oh! Shazam!
[Laughs]

213
00:08:51,536 --> 00:08:54,170
Not cool, bro.

214
00:08:54,172 --> 00:08:56,372
- What's your name?
- Michelle Obama.

215
00:08:56,374 --> 00:08:58,508
We're closed.

216
00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:01,160
I'm William.
Give me your number.

217
00:09:01,162 --> 00:09:03,179
Why? So you can put it
in your phone

218
00:09:03,181 --> 00:09:05,264
and never call or text
or email?

219
00:09:05,266 --> 00:09:06,766
Seriously.

220
00:09:06,768 --> 00:09:08,968
You wouldn't know what to do
with a good girl if you had one.

221
00:09:08,970 --> 00:09:11,637
But you're not a good girl.
That's why I want your number.

222
00:09:11,639 --> 00:09:13,389
So how about it?

223
00:09:13,391 --> 00:09:15,007
We're closed.

224
00:09:15,009 --> 00:09:16,726
- Your sign says
"open till 2:00."

225
00:09:26,153 --> 00:09:28,571
My, my.

226
00:09:28,573 --> 00:09:31,624
How time does fly.

227
00:09:34,528 --> 00:09:37,830
2:00, gentlemen...
nighty night.

228
00:09:40,217 --> 00:09:42,618
What did I ever do to you?

229
00:09:46,590 --> 00:09:48,057
You didn't mention me,
did you?

230
00:09:48,059 --> 00:09:49,525
Ugh, no.
I just gave him...

231
00:09:49,527 --> 00:09:51,260
just get to the end.
Do you hate him?

232
00:09:51,262 --> 00:09:52,678
I hate him.

233
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,013
That was
the weirdest thing,

234
00:09:54,015 --> 00:09:56,165
seeing him come in here.

235
00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:59,986
No, the weirdest thing
is coming in here right now.

236
00:10:02,072 --> 00:10:03,856
Why no?

237
00:10:03,858 --> 00:10:07,243
Girl at urban outfitter said
it was hip.

238
00:10:07,245 --> 00:10:08,778
You look like a lesbian

239
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:11,781
I made out with once
on a dare.

240
00:10:14,401 --> 00:10:17,753
Han, you're adorable
exactly as you are.

241
00:10:17,755 --> 00:10:20,706
Why are you trying
to be hip?

242
00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:22,625
To meet girls.

243
00:10:22,627 --> 00:10:26,345
Both: Oh!

244
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,900
It's not that bad in here.

245
00:10:30,902 --> 00:10:32,535
I thought my first trip
to a laundromat

246
00:10:32,537 --> 00:10:34,554
would be
a lot more depressing.

247
00:10:48,101 --> 00:10:49,952
Six years
we spent together,

248
00:10:49,954 --> 00:10:52,705
and now he won't even look
at me.

249
00:10:55,442 --> 00:10:57,076
Oh, not the bag.

250
00:10:57,078 --> 00:11:00,163
I just looked at his bag...
now yours?

251
00:11:00,165 --> 00:11:01,881
Max, it's driving me crazy.

252
00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:03,916
What did you major in
in college?

253
00:11:03,918 --> 00:11:05,585
I majored
in changing topics.

254
00:11:05,587 --> 00:11:07,303
So what did you ever see
in your ex,

255
00:11:07,305 --> 00:11:09,589
the lost Winklevoss twin?

256
00:11:09,591 --> 00:11:11,624
We're not talking
about William.

257
00:11:11,626 --> 00:11:13,292
We're talking
about your bills.

258
00:11:13,294 --> 00:11:14,844
Well, I'm talking
about your bill!

259
00:11:14,846 --> 00:11:17,446
Oh, face!
Max...

260
00:11:17,448 --> 00:11:19,098
We're trying to start
a cupcake business.

261
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,267
And I can't believe
I'm about to say this

262
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:23,653
but with my father's
financial baggage,

263
00:11:23,655 --> 00:11:25,354
you're our best chance
for credit.

264
00:11:25,356 --> 00:11:27,806
Listen, everybody's broke
in their 20s.

265
00:11:27,808 --> 00:11:29,609
And everybody hides
from stuff.

266
00:11:29,611 --> 00:11:30,860
You run into freezers.

267
00:11:30,862 --> 00:11:33,362
I practice ignorance
and blackout drinking.

268
00:11:38,502 --> 00:11:40,152
What's happening right now?

269
00:11:40,154 --> 00:11:43,122
<i>Hola,</i> dudarinos.

270
00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:45,291
The laundromat's
closing early.

271
00:11:45,293 --> 00:11:49,045
We've rented it out
for our '80s pop-up disco party.

272
00:11:49,047 --> 00:11:51,997
Bobby.

273
00:11:51,999 --> 00:11:54,800
- Shouldn't it be called
an "'80s pop-up lame hipster

274
00:11:54,802 --> 00:11:57,687
will do anything
to be ironic and lame" party?

275
00:11:57,689 --> 00:11:58,804
"Lame"?

276
00:11:58,806 --> 00:12:00,673
Don't think so.

277
00:12:00,675 --> 00:12:02,108
What?

278
00:12:02,110 --> 00:12:03,859
Vicki from <i>small wonder</i>
is coming?

279
00:12:03,861 --> 00:12:05,010
Oh!

280
00:12:05,012 --> 00:12:07,146
Embarrassed to be you
right now.

281
00:12:07,148 --> 00:12:11,117
Unless you chicks have
75 disco-lovin' bucks,

282
00:12:11,119 --> 00:12:12,818
be gone in ten minutes,

283
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,037
or my man here
will throw you out.

284
00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:17,240
Don't let his tube top
fool you.

285
00:12:17,242 --> 00:12:20,293
Bobby is mad wiry.

286
00:12:20,295 --> 00:12:21,827
I'm wiry.

287
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:27,866
<i>Small wonder?</i>

288
00:12:27,868 --> 00:12:29,719
Is that the show on TLC

289
00:12:29,721 --> 00:12:31,754
about the little-people
magicians?

290
00:12:31,756 --> 00:12:33,205
No.

291
00:12:33,207 --> 00:12:35,975
It's an '80s sitcom
about this little girl robot

292
00:12:35,977 --> 00:12:37,710
who lives
with a loving family.

293
00:12:37,712 --> 00:12:39,312
A girl robot?

294
00:12:39,314 --> 00:12:40,930
That's totally unbelievable.

295
00:12:40,932 --> 00:12:43,349
No,
that's totally awesome!

296
00:12:43,351 --> 00:12:46,736
[Scoffs] The unbelievable part
is the loving family.

297
00:12:46,738 --> 00:12:48,070
I love Vicki.

298
00:12:48,072 --> 00:12:50,106
[Robotic voice] She had no
emotions and was empty inside.

299
00:12:50,108 --> 00:12:52,108
[Normal voice]
My role model! We're staying.

300
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:54,727
$75?
To do what...

301
00:12:54,729 --> 00:12:56,562
stand here
and dance next to...

302
00:12:56,564 --> 00:12:59,282
Guy-girl and girl-guy
over there?

303
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:05,338
Come on, Chestnut,

304
00:13:05,340 --> 00:13:07,906
go poo-poo
near the hipsters.

305
00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:08,958
Hey, how cool would it be
if we could get

306
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,093
Chess to go poo
<i>on</i> a hipster?

307
00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:12,845
How can
all of those people

308
00:13:12,847 --> 00:13:16,632
have $75 just to dance
at a laundromat?

309
00:13:16,634 --> 00:13:18,267
I've been doing my roots
with white-out.

310
00:13:18,269 --> 00:13:21,187
Hipsters in Williamsburg
will pay for anything

311
00:13:21,189 --> 00:13:23,472
if it makes them feel like
they're in on something new

312
00:13:23,474 --> 00:13:24,890
no one else knows about.

313
00:13:24,892 --> 00:13:26,359
All you need's a gimmick.

314
00:13:26,361 --> 00:13:27,476
Dudes!

315
00:13:27,478 --> 00:13:29,011
Can we ride your horse?

316
00:13:29,013 --> 00:13:30,613
Sure.
100 bucks.

317
00:13:30,615 --> 00:13:32,565
Okay.
I got to go to the ATM.

318
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:35,618
Wait. Stay right there.
We'll be right back.

319
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:36,986
Oh, my God.

320
00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:39,605
Max, we are literally looking
our gift horse in the mouth.

321
00:13:39,607 --> 00:13:42,241
We have something that's better
than an '80s disco party.

322
00:13:42,243 --> 00:13:43,125
We have a horse.

323
00:13:43,127 --> 00:13:44,877
If we throw
a big enough party,

324
00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:46,545
charge hipsters
for horse rides,

325
00:13:46,547 --> 00:13:48,297
we could pay off
your student loan!

326
00:13:48,299 --> 00:13:50,299
You'd whore out Chestnut
like that?

327
00:13:50,301 --> 00:13:52,251
Don't you have to get him
hooked on heroin first?

328
00:13:52,253 --> 00:13:53,919
Max, I've got this.

329
00:13:53,921 --> 00:13:55,638
I'm a brilliant event planner.

330
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,007
My sweet 16
was off the chain...

331
00:13:58,009 --> 00:14:00,059
penthouse party,
pink and black theme.

332
00:14:00,061 --> 00:14:02,895
Alanis Morissette sang songs
from <i>jagged little pill.</i>

333
00:14:02,897 --> 00:14:04,347
On my 16th birthday,

334
00:14:04,349 --> 00:14:06,465
my mom took too many
jagged little pills,

335
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,100
and I had to drive her
to the emergency room

336
00:14:08,102 --> 00:14:09,685
to get her stomach pumped.

337
00:14:09,687 --> 00:14:13,439
Was your childhood based
on the novel <i>Push</i> by Sapphire?

338
00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:15,908
I wish!

339
00:14:17,861 --> 00:14:20,446
The theme is
'90s horse party.

340
00:14:20,448 --> 00:14:22,114
It's exactly the kind
of hip event

341
00:14:22,116 --> 00:14:23,332
you're dying to be a part of.

342
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:24,784
It would happen
after closing,

343
00:14:24,786 --> 00:14:26,085
so it won't affect business.

344
00:14:26,087 --> 00:14:27,620
And all the horse rides
will take place out back.

345
00:14:27,622 --> 00:14:29,839
So no damage will come
to the diner.

346
00:14:29,841 --> 00:14:32,491
But why would I say yes
to giving up my diner

347
00:14:32,493 --> 00:14:34,093
for no cash return?

348
00:14:34,095 --> 00:14:35,961
You might get laid.

349
00:14:40,917 --> 00:14:42,351
Great!

350
00:14:42,353 --> 00:14:44,687
The '90s horse party
is happening on Thursday.

351
00:14:44,689 --> 00:14:46,472
Fantastic.
Any other questions?

352
00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:47,473
Yes.

353
00:14:47,475 --> 00:14:49,475
What exactly is possibility

354
00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:52,344
of percentage of me...

355
00:14:52,346 --> 00:14:53,863
Getting laid?

356
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,616
All I can say is,

357
00:14:57,618 --> 00:14:59,869
with the cute
'90s-themed-clothing incentive

358
00:14:59,871 --> 00:15:01,353
and the trivia contest,

359
00:15:01,355 --> 00:15:04,290
lots of cute hipster girls
will be here looking to...

360
00:15:04,292 --> 00:15:06,125
Get laid!

361
00:15:07,494 --> 00:15:09,161
I will go now
and start to research

362
00:15:09,163 --> 00:15:12,197
American trivia facts
about the 1990s.

363
00:15:14,301 --> 00:15:16,201
You realize we're gonna have
to give him something...

364
00:15:16,203 --> 00:15:17,720
like flash a little boob,
something.

365
00:15:17,722 --> 00:15:20,256
I feel like Han's
more of an ass man.

366
00:15:20,258 --> 00:15:23,208
Good point... 'cause his head
is right there.

367
00:15:29,147 --> 00:15:31,015
[TLC's <i>creep]</i> ♪ Creep ♪

368
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:34,018
♪ oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I,
yeah ♪

369
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,437
♪ creep,
oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I ♪

370
00:15:36,439 --> 00:15:37,655
Oleg, what's up?

371
00:15:37,657 --> 00:15:39,407
Not enjoying
the '90s horse party?

372
00:15:39,409 --> 00:15:43,193
I thought you said
"'90s whores party."

373
00:15:44,696 --> 00:15:48,966
Now I'm wearing girdle
and deodorant for no reason.

374
00:15:50,886 --> 00:15:52,253
Quite a turnout, Max.

375
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:55,056
Reminds me of the after-hours
clubs I used to go to,

376
00:15:55,058 --> 00:15:57,341
you know, if all
the cool cats shooting dope

377
00:15:57,343 --> 00:16:00,878
were replaced by sad,
white fools sipping light beer.

378
00:16:03,298 --> 00:16:04,548
Look!

379
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:07,935
I did research and make myself
a 1990s trivia t-shirt.

380
00:16:07,937 --> 00:16:10,271
"Talk to the Han."

381
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,439
Get it?

382
00:16:11,441 --> 00:16:13,658
"Talk to the Han!"

383
00:16:16,111 --> 00:16:17,578
That actually is cool.

384
00:16:17,580 --> 00:16:20,781
I am hoping
it will help me...

385
00:16:20,783 --> 00:16:22,199
Get laid?

386
00:16:24,536 --> 00:16:27,154
Care to purchase
a tamagotchi

387
00:16:27,156 --> 00:16:29,740
or a 90210-reo cupcake?

388
00:16:29,742 --> 00:16:33,544
We came here wanting
to hate on you chicks hard.

389
00:16:33,546 --> 00:16:38,265
But that horse you got
out back is mad cool.

390
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:39,967
You bested us,
party beast.

391
00:16:39,969 --> 00:16:43,688
And to that,
I doff my cap.

392
00:16:44,723 --> 00:16:47,257
- How much are the cupcakes?
- $10 each.

393
00:16:47,259 --> 00:16:51,395
Ooh, I doff my cap again,
milady.

394
00:16:51,397 --> 00:16:53,430
Max, look at all this.

395
00:16:53,432 --> 00:16:54,699
We're a success!

396
00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,283
I'll tell you
what's not a success...

397
00:16:56,285 --> 00:16:58,035
the plan to get Han
some action.

398
00:16:58,037 --> 00:16:59,737
Look at him over there.

399
00:17:05,877 --> 00:17:08,412
- That's so sad.
- I know.

400
00:17:08,414 --> 00:17:11,248
Go over there
and give him a "Han" job.

401
00:17:13,502 --> 00:17:17,555
William!

402
00:17:17,557 --> 00:17:20,558
Meep, meep.

403
00:17:25,564 --> 00:17:30,234
You realize this is a freezer,
not a panic room, right?

404
00:17:30,236 --> 00:17:31,468
Just go out there

405
00:17:31,470 --> 00:17:33,804
and tear his smug, white ass
a new one.

406
00:17:33,806 --> 00:17:35,156
I can't face him, Max.

407
00:17:35,158 --> 00:17:37,808
Why? He's the one
who didn't call you.

408
00:17:37,810 --> 00:17:40,477
I can't face him
because I'm a waitress.

409
00:17:40,479 --> 00:17:41,445
Last time he saw me,

410
00:17:41,447 --> 00:17:43,330
I was a billionaire
in a townhouse.

411
00:17:43,332 --> 00:17:46,117
Now I'm a waitress
in a walk-in freezer.

412
00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,953
So, when you were laying
around on your trust fund,

413
00:17:48,955 --> 00:17:49,954
doing nothing every day,

414
00:17:49,956 --> 00:17:51,706
having other people
scrub your toilet,

415
00:17:51,708 --> 00:17:53,157
you could hold your head
up high?

416
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,491
But now
that you support yourself

417
00:17:54,493 --> 00:17:56,761
by earning your own money,
that's somehow shameful?

418
00:17:56,763 --> 00:17:58,095
Who cares what he thinks?

419
00:17:58,097 --> 00:18:02,767
He is the guy who just paid $100
to party with a horse.

420
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:05,936
He's the loser, not you.

421
00:18:05,938 --> 00:18:07,888
Really? 'Cause he's
out there having fun,

422
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:08,889
and I'm in here,

423
00:18:08,891 --> 00:18:12,276
hugging a tub
of expired blue cheese.

424
00:18:12,278 --> 00:18:14,511
Look...

425
00:18:14,513 --> 00:18:16,731
You see that wad
of cash in your Hand?

426
00:18:16,733 --> 00:18:18,733
You earned that.

427
00:18:18,735 --> 00:18:20,651
Slap that wad in your palm
a few times!

428
00:18:20,653 --> 00:18:22,119
Feel its power.

429
00:18:24,289 --> 00:18:25,623
That's all you got?

430
00:18:25,625 --> 00:18:27,742
Come on,
really squeeze that wad!

431
00:18:27,744 --> 00:18:29,193
Feels good
in your Hands, right?

432
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:31,361
- Feels pretty good.
- Yeah.

433
00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:34,632
Now slap it and say,
"this is my wad!"

434
00:18:34,634 --> 00:18:37,168
This is my wad.

435
00:18:37,170 --> 00:18:39,920
This is <i>my</i> wad!

436
00:18:39,922 --> 00:18:42,372
This is <i>my wad!</i>

437
00:18:42,374 --> 00:18:43,674
Go out there.

438
00:18:43,676 --> 00:18:46,327
I'm going out there!

439
00:18:46,329 --> 00:18:48,345
As soon as the ladies
calm down.

440
00:18:48,347 --> 00:18:49,647
Are you kidding?

441
00:18:49,649 --> 00:18:52,733
Show him what he's missing.
Let 'em pop, playa!

442
00:18:56,188 --> 00:18:58,105
Where are you,
you rich poseur?

443
00:18:58,107 --> 00:18:59,607
Oh! Uh...

444
00:18:59,609 --> 00:19:00,941
Listen up!

445
00:19:00,943 --> 00:19:04,411
That was meant exclusively
for one specific rich poseur.

446
00:19:04,413 --> 00:19:06,730
[Chuckles]
All you other rich poseurs,

447
00:19:06,732 --> 00:19:08,249
just continue
with the '90s!

448
00:19:08,251 --> 00:19:10,334
Whoop, whoop!

449
00:19:10,336 --> 00:19:12,586
Where is he?
Do you see him?

450
00:19:12,588 --> 00:19:14,789
Uh, no.
He was right over there.

451
00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:16,207
[Sighs] He's gone.

452
00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:18,125
I don't get to shove this
in his face.

453
00:19:18,127 --> 00:19:19,894
It would've been nice
to put my wad

454
00:19:19,896 --> 00:19:23,380
in his face
for a change.

455
00:19:27,886 --> 00:19:31,806
Oh, speaking of wads,
look over there.

456
00:19:31,808 --> 00:19:35,759
Aw.

457
00:19:35,761 --> 00:19:38,445
He's such a little pimp.

458
00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:40,531
Are you okay?

459
00:19:40,533 --> 00:19:42,533
Yeah.
Actually, I am.

460
00:19:42,535 --> 00:19:43,984
I guess I didn't need
to go over there

461
00:19:43,986 --> 00:19:45,435
and make some big,
dramatic speech,

462
00:19:45,437 --> 00:19:47,238
telling him
that even though I'm a waitress,

463
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,438
I'm better than him.

464
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,292
I know that now.
Thank you.

465
00:19:51,294 --> 00:19:53,994
And when I see him
one day in the future,

466
00:19:53,996 --> 00:19:57,114
I'll be happy
to tell him that.

467
00:19:57,116 --> 00:19:58,582
He just came
out of the men's room.

468
00:19:58,584 --> 00:19:59,750
Let's get out of here!

469
00:19:59,752 --> 00:20:01,001
What? I thought
you wanted to talk to him!

470
00:20:01,003 --> 00:20:02,970
I said, "the future."
This is the '90s.

471
00:20:02,972 --> 00:20:06,173
Let's get out of here.
Run!

472
00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:11,562
Feels good running away
from your bill, huh?

473
00:20:11,564 --> 00:20:12,813
So great.

474
00:20:12,815 --> 00:20:14,481
See, that's what
I've been saying.

475
00:20:14,483 --> 00:20:16,267
Well, at least
you don't have to run

476
00:20:16,269 --> 00:20:17,685
from your student loan bill.

477
00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:20,487
We can pay that off and still
have $50 for the cupcake fund.

478
00:20:20,489 --> 00:20:22,106
I hate that college won.

479
00:20:22,108 --> 00:20:24,024
Didn't you get anything
out of it?

480
00:20:24,026 --> 00:20:26,076
You mean, besides mono
and an art teacher

481
00:20:26,078 --> 00:20:27,411
whose idea
of finger-painting

482
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:30,915
was a little more "finger"
than "painting"?

483
00:20:30,917 --> 00:20:31,949
Art teacher?

484
00:20:31,951 --> 00:20:34,318
Max, was that your major... art?

485
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,371
Keep your eyes on the road.
You're driving.

486
00:20:37,373 --> 00:20:38,706
I just thought
for, like, a second,

487
00:20:38,708 --> 00:20:41,842
I could maybe illustrate
children's books.

488
00:20:41,844 --> 00:20:44,494
Max, that's so sweet.

489
00:20:44,496 --> 00:20:47,214
You're not like Vicki at all.

490
00:20:47,216 --> 00:20:49,550
Max, look.
Han!

491
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:51,518
Aw, our little
somethin'-somethin'

492
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,604
got him a little
somethin'-somethin'!

493
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:56,307
I doff my cap, milady!

494
00:20:59,932 --> 00:21:01,732
Sync and corrections by GeirDM
for www.addic7ed.com

495
00:21:04,065 --> 00:21:06,617
[cash register bell dings]