1
00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,587
So, what kind of cruise is this
you're going on?

2
00:00:05,755 --> 00:00:08,424
It's caIled
the Born Again Boat Ride.

3
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:13,721
Christian Quarterly gave it
their highest rating: five thorny crowns.

4
00:00:14,597 --> 00:00:16,598
I do wish you'd come with me,
Sheldon.

5
00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:20,227
Oh, well, Mom, if l did,
it would be conclusive proof...

6
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,396
...that your God can work miracles.

7
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:26,900
You're missing out. lt's gonna be
walI-to-wall fun. lt's all themed.

8
00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:28,944
There's Jonah-and-the-whale
watching.

9
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,614
AIl you can eat
Last Supper Buffet.

10
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:36,118
And my personal favorite,
Gunning with God.

11
00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:39,621
What's Gunning with God?
I'm afraid to ask, heh.

12
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,874
Oh, it is a hoot and a half.

13
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,543
You write your sins
on a clay pigeon...

14
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:49,089
...they fire them up in the air, and you
pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun...

15
00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:52,217
...full of our Lord's forgiveness.

16
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:56,722
Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see
how advanced your group has become...

17
00:00:56,890 --> 00:01:01,310
...wilIing to sail out into the ocean
without fear of faIling off the edge.

18
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:07,316
For exampIe, if Shelly was aboard,
he'd write "smart mouth" on his pigeon.

19
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,194
And then: Bam!

20
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,447
The Lord giveth
and the Lord bloweth away.

21
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:17,785
WeIl, Mom, according to my itinerary
for our weekend together...

22
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:20,913
-...the fun begins with fried chicken.
-Sounds delicious.

23
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,707
Good, because I got you everything
you need to make it.

24
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,501
You are in for a treat.

25
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,337
My mother's fried chicken
is why we had to buy my dad...

26
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:30,756
...the extra large coffin.

27
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,176
Sheldon, she just got off the plane.
She doesn't wanna cook.

28
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,594
Of course she does.

29
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,347
Making me food is her way of saying
"l love you."

30
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,140
Making me food when too tired...

31
00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,684
...is her way of saying
"l really love you."

32
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,270
I wouldn't mind going out
for a bite, Sheldon.

33
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,649
Won't that spoil our appetites
for the chicken you're gonna make?

34
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:50,567
AIl right.
We're going out. You like sushi?

35
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,277
There's a great place down the street.

36
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:56,990
I've never had it, but there's no harm
in trying something new.

37
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,535
There's a lot of harm
in trying something new.

38
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:02,704
That's why we test out drugs
and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

39
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,125
Sheldon, you're talking
Iike a crazy person.

40
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:09,837
Actually, l had him tested as a child.

41
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:11,130
Doctor says he's fine.

44
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:44,913
[ALL GREETING lN JAPANESE]

45
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:47,291
Stop yelling.

46
00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:49,585
I'm not happy about this.

47
00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:52,588
What's the last thing
you were ever happy about?

48
00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:54,506
The prospect of fried chicken.

49
00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:58,093
This is exciting.

50
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:00,679
Back home, the diner
on Route 4 serves sushi...

51
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:04,016
...but it's just cut up fish sticks
and a side of Uncle Ben's.

52
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:10,189
They put it on the menu in those kung fu
Ietters, but that don't make it sushi.

53
00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:14,943
Uh, "Kung fu letters"
might not be poIiticaIly correct.

54
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,405
Oh, l thought the one
we couldn't say was "ching chong."

55
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,867
Yeah, yeah, that too.

56
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:25,454
So, Shelly, what's up with you
and your friend Amy...

57
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,789
...if you don't mind
a mother prying a bit?

58
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:30,792
WeIl, there's actuaIly big news
on the Amy front.

59
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,088
She's been studying the neurobiology
of addiction in lower animals.

60
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:38,926
She's this close to getting a starfish
hooked on cocaine.

61
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:42,471
You have any idea
what's going on with those two?

62
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,473
Hmm. lt's kind of like
the Loch Ness monster.

63
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:48,227
Maybe there's something there,
maybe there isn't. We'll never know.

64
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:53,065
But sometimes it's fun to creep
yourself out thinking about it.

65
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,654
How are you doing
on the young Iady front?

66
00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:02,074
I hear you're in some sort
of a long-distance situation?

67
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,326
Uh. Yeah, it's Raj's sister.

68
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,286
It's kind of tough. She's in lndia.

69
00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:09,122
Her parents aren't happy
she's dating someone white.

70
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,999
Oh, that's a funny turn, isn't it?

71
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:15,295
Because you-- You never think about it
going the other way.

72
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:20,175
WeIl, you can't force things.

73
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:25,013
Figure out if you're in a relationship or if
you're just calling it one. Like they say:

74
00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:28,850
"A cat can have kittens in the oven,
but that don't make them biscuits."

75
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,770
That reminds me of another saying:

76
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:36,358
"You can lead a chicken to Crisco,
but you can't make your mother fry it."

77
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,029
You pester me one more time
about chicken...

78
00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:44,116
...I will put you over my knee
right here in this restaurant.

79
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,995
PIease pester her. PIease, for me.

80
00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,209
Mrs. Cooper,
what did you think of the sushi?

81
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:58,547
Good. The only thing that would have
made it better, if it was cooked.

82
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,217
And if it was beef.

83
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:06,305
Sheldon, when is your landlord
gonna fix the eIevator?

84
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:07,806
SHELDON:
I don't know.

85
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:13,186
Lately, we've been talking
about converting it into a missile silo.

86
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:18,650
Your son seems to think we need to
Iaunch a preemptive strike on Burbank.

87
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,070
SHELDON:
Get them before they get us.

88
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:31,455
Hey, look who decided to show up.

89
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:33,582
Raj, what are you doing?

90
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,586
WeIl, I couldn't find you guys
so I bought six new friends.

91
00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:42,341
Three, sadly, are dead.

92
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,761
Mom, you remember Rajesh?
Rajesh, my mother.

93
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:48,930
Of course. Mrs. Cooper.
So nice to see you again.

94
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,600
WeIl, it's so nice to see you too. Heh.

95
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:58,398
I thought it was our Indians
that had the occasional alcohol problem.

96
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:02,861
We don't say that, either.

97
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,114
I'll make you a list.

98
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:08,867
Oh, that would be
mighty white of you.

99
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:15,415
So, Raj, what pain
are you trying to cover up...

100
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,125
...with alcohol?

101
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:18,794
-Nothing, l'm fine.
-Are you?

102
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,962
[WHlMPERlNG]
No.

103
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:23,465
That's better.
Now, tell me what's bothering you.

104
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,884
I'm so Ionely.

105
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:29,304
Oh, yes, born alone, die alone.
It's a tragic human condition.

106
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:32,641
Now, Raj,
if you'Il excuse my mother...

107
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,602
...she's about to make a pecan pie
that'lI be so good...

108
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,980
...I'll aImost forget how she blew it
with the fried chicken.

109
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,233
Sheldon, your friend is hurting.

110
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,568
What do we do
when someone's hurting?

111
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:46,071
Offer them a hot beverage.

112
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,949
When they're drunk as a skunk,
what beverage do we offer?

113
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,076
Coffee.

114
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,078
And what do we do it with?

115
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,421
Now, you listen to me.

116
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:05,590
I know you feel
Iike you can't find someone...

117
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,634
...but there's a lock for every key.

118
00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:12,139
Back home, there's a girl works
at the WaImart. Tall, taIl girI.

119
00:07:12,306 --> 00:07:15,142
Woman could hunt geese with a rake.

120
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:19,646
Thought she'd never find a man,
then one day, wouldn't you know...

121
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:22,566
...Harlem Globetrotters come to town.

122
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:27,028
Long story short,
today that woman travels the world...

123
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:29,489
...with a semiprofessional
basketbalI player...

124
00:07:29,657 --> 00:07:32,868
...and two beautiful
mixed-race babies.

125
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,372
I didn't get a lot of that
because of your accent...

126
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,709
...but the general tone was soothing
and somehow l feel better. Ha, ha.

127
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:46,214
I'm not gonna get my pecan pie,
am I?

128
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:47,716
You want some Oreos?

129
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,718
-Double Stuf?
-No, it's regular.

130
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,220
Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

131
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:57,726
I'm glad we're finally getting to do
something together, just the two of us.

132
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:01,480
Sure. One thing you really miss
when you're on vacation is laundry.

133
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,899
Careful,
you're using too much Downy.

134
00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:07,402
You know if my clothes
get too soft it makes me sleepy.

135
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:12,199
WeIl, this takes me back. Me doing
your laundry, you next to me criticizing.

136
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,326
It is nice, isn't it?

137
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:15,869
[GASPS]

138
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,078
Mrs. Cooper.

139
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,748
-Hi.
-Oh, hello, darling.

140
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:22,501
Sheldon, you didn't telI me
your mom was coming.

141
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,086
It was in my weekly e-mail blast.

142
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:27,547
Right between
"Beet season is finally here"...

143
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:31,927
...and "Uh-oh, red stool from beets
Ieads to cancer scare."

144
00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:38,266
-So how have you been?
-Good, good.

145
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:41,436
Leonard has a new girlfriend.
How are you doing with all that?

146
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,940
Oh, fine. You know, it's, been a whiIe.
I'm getting back out there.

147
00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:50,278
Let me ask you, when you get back
out there, are you wearing this?

148
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,281
WeIl, it's super cute on.

149
00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:57,452
That top has paid for itseIf in free drinks,
Iike, 1 0 times what it cost.

150
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:01,790
Yes, Penny has a lot of money
tied up in promiscuity futures.

151
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,461
Hon, you think maybe the reason
why you're having trouble...

152
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:10,465
...finding a guy is because you're letting
them ride the roller coaster...

153
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:13,218
...without buying a ticket?

154
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,555
Oh, they don't always get to ride
the roller coaster.

155
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:20,892
Sometimes they only get to spin
the teacups.

156
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:27,941
I'm going out. would it be crazy to ask
you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?

157
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:30,652
Oh, not crazy at aIl.
And don't beat yourself up.

158
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,488
When l was your age,
you could have me for a car ride...

159
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,490
-...and a bottle of strawberry wine.
-Ha, ha.

160
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:43,790
Yeah, that will not be
in this week's e-mail blast.

161
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,796
So this spring, I get to go
to the International Space Station.

162
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:53,508
Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens.

163
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:59,347
If you ever wanna live there eternally,
I've got a good book you could read.

164
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:03,101
I watch the Charlie Brown
Christmas Special every year...

165
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,311
...so I get the gist.

166
00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:06,646
I bet your mom is reaIly proud of you.

167
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:11,151
Nope. She says if I don't back out,
she's gonna go on a hunger strike.

168
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:15,614
Um, it would take years before she'd be
in any kind of danger, but still.

169
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,491
I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom.

170
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:21,870
I'm taking you to see
Saul Perlmutter give a lecture...

171
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,539
...about his NobeI Prize-winning
work in cosmology.

172
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:27,375
And the best part is,
at the Q and A afterward...

173
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:31,963
...I've worked up a couple of
Q's that will stump his sorry A.

174
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:37,010
I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could
do a little sightseeing.

175
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:41,848
What sight is better than your little boy
embarrassing a Nobel Iaureate?

176
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:45,310
Come on, we'll take your mom
to see the Hollywood sign...

177
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,687
...the Wax Museum,
the Walk of Fame.

178
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,230
Ooh. Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.

179
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:52,359
WeIl, I can't spend $12,000
on a handbag...

180
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:57,072
...but it's free to look upon those
who do with righteous condemnation.

181
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:02,160
-What do you say?
-What do l say?

182
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:06,748
I say you people need to stop ruining
my mom's visit with your sushi...

183
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,042
...and your sadness
and your slutty shirts.

184
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,835
Stop it.

185
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,343
He's not talking about your shirt.
Your shirt is fine.

186
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,765
These are delicious.

187
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:28,269
The trick to pancakes is bacon grease.
I cook everything in it.

188
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:31,106
Everything?
Aren't you worried about your health?

189
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:33,191
Doctors are always changing
their mind.

190
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,110
One week bacon grease
is bad for you.

191
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,821
Next week
we're not getting enough of it.

192
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:41,199
Good morning, ShelIy.

193
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:45,286
Mom, I want to apologize
for my behavior last night.

194
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:46,579
Apology accepted.

195
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,624
Great. Now, you're gonna love
the Perlmutter lecture.

196
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,420
Look, he wilI be stating that the universe
is older than 6000 years...

197
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:56,047
...but you could stick
your fingers in your ears...

198
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,758
...and hum "Amazing Grace"
during those parts.

199
00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:01,469
I am still going out with your friends.

200
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,722
But I apologized.

201
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:07,809
And that was hard for me
because l didn't do anything wrong.

202
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:13,148
Shelly, I hung out with you
in enough dusty lecture halls...

203
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:15,984
...while you were growing up.
I wanna go sightseeing.

204
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:19,821
So why don't you have some pancakes,
get dressed and come with us.

205
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,574
I'm not going, and you can't make me.

206
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:26,244
You're right, l can't. Have a nice day.

207
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,164
WeIl, I'm going to stand here
until you change your mind.

208
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:31,166
Then you are gonna stand there
all day.

209
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:37,756
I'm just gonna take my bacon grease
and slide over there.

210
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,426
I can't believe my own mother
is abandoning me.

211
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,344
I am not abandoning you.

212
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:47,182
Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you
in a basket on a church doorstep.

213
00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:51,478
I am going to Hollywood
and thank a wax Ronald Reagan...

214
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,689
...for his service to our country.

215
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,985
We appear to be at a crossroads
in our relationship, Mother.

216
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:02,697
-WeIl, I guess we are.
-Sorry. Syrup.

217
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,702
AIl right, Mom. When you're at
the Ripley's Believe lt Or Not Museum...

218
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:11,206
...if they have an exhibit about a mother
who threw away a chance...

219
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:15,210
...to spend a day with the world's
most wonderful son, believe it, it's true.

220
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,215
I hadn't....

221
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,302
That lecture was a waste of time.

222
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,889
I made more accurate diagrams
of the expansion of the early universe...

223
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:31,309
...on the nursery wall
with the contents of my diaper.

224
00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:33,269
[COUGHS]

225
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:34,479
Are you getting sick?

226
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:39,651
No, I'm just allergic to people who get
Nobel Prizes for no good reason.

227
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,904
Sheldon, is it possible
that your foul mood or...

228
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:45,448
...to use the clinical term, bitchiness...

229
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,911
...is because your mother
isn't making you a priority?

230
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:54,165
No. Or to use the cIinical term: Nuh-uh.

231
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,836
Are you sure?
The infant-mother pair-bond...

232
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,337
...is the building block
of primate psychology.

233
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,382
Oh, there it is. lt aIways comes back
to monkeys with you.

234
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,592
Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

235
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:07,387
Sheldon, we're all animals.

236
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,181
There are aspects of you
that are extraordinary...

237
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,935
...but when it comes to relationships,
you're like everybody else.

238
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,729
Are you trying to suggest
that my emotional problems...

239
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:19,983
...are no different
than those of a stupid person?

240
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,862
Actually, some research indicates
that by not overthinking...

241
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,281
...the less intelligent
handle emotions better.

242
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:28,825
[SNEEZES THEN GRUNTS]

243
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:30,869
Sure you're not coming down
with a cold?

244
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,788
Oh, yes, the common cold.
Just like everyone else.

245
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,040
You'd love that, wouldn't you?

246
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,795
Oh, this one's sweet.

247
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:43,464
You know, for your rosary rattlers.

248
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:49,012
Mrs. Cooper, we say "Catholics,"
not "rosary rattlers."

249
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,891
My goodness, it's a wonder
you people in California can talk at all.

250
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:56,603
This is like the worst Hollywood
tour ever.

251
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,313
Now, dude, she wanted to see churches.

252
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,316
Hey, they have wine here, don't they?

253
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:06,154
Hey, none of our gods
have abs like that.

254
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:11,075
Yep, that's the last Jew
who did sit-ups.

255
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:14,037
And look where it got him.

256
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:18,291
Hey, while we're here,
why don't we all do some praying?

257
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,668
Let's put a IittIe church in this church.

258
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,170
Oh, l'm not sure we should--

259
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,130
It's easy. I'Il show you how.

260
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:29,344
Lord, Mary Cooper here. Coming to you
from Gomorrah, California.

261
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,431
I want to thank you
for the blessing that is my little ShelIy.

262
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,851
I also want to thank you
for the continued strength...

263
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:39,646
...not to coldcock him with my Bible.

264
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,149
AIl right, Penny, your turn.

265
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:48,071
Okay, um, ahem. Hey, God. What's up?

266
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,950
Um. l'm good, but it would be a big help
to my family...

267
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:55,161
...if you could get my brother
to stop cooking meth.

268
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:59,540
But no cops. Be cool.

269
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:05,129
She also goes a little overboard
on the "Iove thy neighbor."

270
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:09,300
Could probably use that chat
you had with Mary Magdalene.

271
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:12,845
Leonard, you're up.
Wasserman, you're on deck.

272
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,681
Okay. l don't know.

273
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,726
It's probably a little late to ask you
to make me taller.

274
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,232
Oh, um....

275
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,402
If you could help out with my girIfriend.
She's all the way in lndia.

276
00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:29,821
-That wouId be great.
-Hear that? Girl troubIe.

277
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,323
Turns out we were both wrong
on that front.

278
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,204
-How about you?
-Uh, me? No. Thanks, I'm good.

279
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,624
I'm realIy just trying not to burst
into flames. Heh.

280
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,087
Rajesh?

281
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:52,635
Uh, he says he's having trouble
dropping those Iast five pounds.

282
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:56,431
Huh. l might have gone
with the talking-to-girls thing.

283
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,974
[CHUCKLES]

284
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,059
No, you only get one wish.

285
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,246
Look at the two of us.

286
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,958
Me, a highly regarded physicist.

287
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:28,129
The kind of mind that comes along once,
maybe twice in a generation.

288
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,631
You, the common man...

289
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:34,135
...tired from your labors
as a stockbroker...

290
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:38,222
...or vacuum cleaner salesman,
or bootblack.

291
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,643
But deep down inside...

292
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,646
...apparently we're
just two peas in a pod.

293
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,316
Uh, a regular pea...

294
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:53,112
...and the kind of pea that comes along
once, maybe twice in a generation.

295
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,866
[THUNDER CRASHES]

296
00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:00,995
Rain. Another great equaIizer.

297
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:04,999
Falling on the head of the brilliant
and the unremarkable alike.

298
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,258
Smarty-pants.

299
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:21,182
-Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
-You take notes, darling.

300
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:25,353
The reaI way to get a man is with melted
cheese and cream of mushroom soup.

301
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:29,190
He'll die at 50,
but his love wiIl be true.

302
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,193
Brr.

303
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:37,115
I need a tissue. This one got wet.

304
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,786
-Here.
-Thank you.

305
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,163
Yeah, l've learned something today.

306
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,667
You and l, in so many ways...

307
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:51,337
...other than intelligence
and what counts, we're the same.

308
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:53,673
[SNEEZES]

309
00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:56,217
Sweetheart, are you sick?

310
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,720
I hope so, because if this is welI,
Iife isn't worth living.

311
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:03,724
Sugar pie, you are burning up.
We've got to get you to bed.

312
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:05,059
-Okay.
-Don't worry.

313
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:08,062
Mama's here to take care of her baby.

314
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:12,567
And just to be clear, only her baby
and not these other people.

315
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:14,569
Of course.

316
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,655
Can I have tea with honey
and toast with the crust cut off?

317
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:23,244
-You can have whatever you want.
-Brr. Thanks, Mom. You're the best.

318
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:35,548
Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you,
you didn't have hair on your chest.

319
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:39,051
I know, it filled in last year.

320
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:44,182
I didn't get to spend a lot of time
with you on this visit.

321
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:46,100
And whose fault was that?

322
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:47,310
[SlGHS]

323
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:49,103
Yours.

324
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:54,567
Shelly, you're not 8 years old anymore.
We have to have a different relationship.

325
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,277
No, we don't.

326
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,780
-The one we have works great.
-Sweetheart, you are a grown man.

327
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:03,618
Or maybe l'm part of a new species
that lives for years...

328
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:07,079
...which means
I'm still basicalIy a toddIer.

329
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,209
Oh, l so should have taken you
to Houston.

330
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,464
Does this mean
you're not going to sing "Soft Kitty"?

331
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,759
No, I will always sing you
"Soft Kitty."

332
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:26,599
[SlNGlNG]
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur

333
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,352
-Were we supposed to take that pie out?
-Get out!

334
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,481
WeIl, that was rude.

335
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,484
WeIl, I know, but he means well.

336
00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:39,654
Sing.

337
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,822
[SlNGlNG]
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty--

338
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:44,158
What are you trying to pull, Mom?

339
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,077
From the top.

340
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,498
This is what l'm talking about.

341
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:57,630
[SlNGlNG]
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur

342
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:24,073
[English - US - SDH]