1
00:00:02,716 --> 00:00:05,184
So what kind of cruise
is this you're going on?
2
00:00:05,186 --> 00:00:08,054
It's called
the Born Again Boat Ride.
3
00:00:08,056 --> 00:00:11,440
Christian Quarterly gave
it their highest rating--
4
00:00:11,442 --> 00:00:13,860
five thorny crowns.
5
00:00:13,862 --> 00:00:16,195
I do wish you'd
come with me, Sheldon.
6
00:00:16,197 --> 00:00:20,066
Well, Mom, if I did, it
would be conclusive proof
7
00:00:20,068 --> 00:00:22,285
that your God
can work miracles.
8
00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:24,387
You're missing out.
9
00:00:24,389 --> 00:00:25,821
It's gonna
be wall-to-wall fun.
10
00:00:25,823 --> 00:00:26,873
It's all themed.
11
00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:28,857
There's Jonah
and the Whale Watching.
12
00:00:30,427 --> 00:00:33,379
All-you-can-eat
Last Supper Buffet.
13
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,748
And my personal favorite,
Gunning with God.
14
00:00:35,750 --> 00:00:39,302
What's Gunning with God?
I'm afraid to ask.
15
00:00:39,304 --> 00:00:42,004
Oh, it is a hoot
and a half.
16
00:00:42,006 --> 00:00:44,707
You write your sins
on a clay pigeon,
17
00:00:44,709 --> 00:00:46,842
they fire 'em up in the air,
and you pulverize them
18
00:00:46,844 --> 00:00:48,594
with a 12-gauge shotgun
19
00:00:48,596 --> 00:00:52,648
full of our Lord's
forgiveness.
20
00:00:52,650 --> 00:00:55,401
Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged
to see how advanced
21
00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:57,403
your group has become--
willing to sail out
22
00:00:57,405 --> 00:01:00,990
into the ocean without fear
of falling off the edge.
23
00:01:00,992 --> 00:01:02,775
For example,
24
00:01:02,777 --> 00:01:04,660
if Shelly was aboard,
he'd write,
25
00:01:04,662 --> 00:01:06,829
"Smart mouth"
on his pigeon,
26
00:01:06,831 --> 00:01:10,666
and then bam!
27
00:01:10,668 --> 00:01:13,169
The Lord giveth and
the Lord bloweth away.
28
00:01:13,171 --> 00:01:14,453
Well, Mom,
29
00:01:14,455 --> 00:01:17,340
according to my itinerary
for our weekend together,
30
00:01:17,342 --> 00:01:19,156
the fun begins with
fried chicken.
31
00:01:19,181 --> 00:01:20,381
Sounds delicious.
32
00:01:20,511 --> 00:01:22,678
Good, 'cause I got you everything
you need to make it.
33
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,197
You are in for a treat.
34
00:01:25,199 --> 00:01:26,549
My mother's fried chicken
35
00:01:26,551 --> 00:01:30,386
is why we had to buy my dad
the extra large coffin.
36
00:01:30,388 --> 00:01:32,421
Sheldon, she just
got off the plane.
37
00:01:32,423 --> 00:01:33,856
She doesn't want to cook.
38
00:01:33,858 --> 00:01:35,308
Of course she does.
39
00:01:35,310 --> 00:01:38,027
Making me food is her way
of saying "I love you""
40
00:01:38,029 --> 00:01:40,229
Making me food when
she's too tired to cook
41
00:01:40,231 --> 00:01:42,365
is her way of saying
"I really love you."
44
00:01:46,404 --> 00:01:48,270
for the chicken you're
going to make me?
45
00:01:48,272 --> 00:01:50,239
All right, that settles it, we're
going out. Do you like sushi?
46
00:01:50,241 --> 00:01:52,875
There's a great little
place down the street.
47
00:01:52,877 --> 00:01:54,518
I've never had it,
but there's no harm in
48
00:01:54,543 --> 00:01:55,761
trying something new.
49
00:01:56,614 --> 00:01:59,114
There's a lot of harm
in trying something new.
50
00:01:59,116 --> 00:02:00,877
That's why we test out
drugs and cosmetics
51
00:02:00,902 --> 00:02:02,102
on bunny rabbits.
52
00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:05,671
Sheldon, you're talking
like a crazy person.
53
00:02:05,673 --> 00:02:09,058
Actually, I had him
tested as a child.
54
00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:10,810
Doctor says he's fine.
55
00:02:10,812 --> 00:02:12,395
Told you.
56
00:02:12,397 --> 00:02:14,397
Although, I do regret
not following up
57
00:02:14,399 --> 00:02:16,015
with that specialist in Houston.
58
00:02:18,735 --> 00:02:22,355
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
59
00:02:22,357 --> 00:02:25,691
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
60
00:02:25,693 --> 00:02:27,326
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
61
00:02:27,328 --> 00:02:29,862
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
62
00:02:29,864 --> 00:02:32,548
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
63
00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:35,201
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
64
00:02:35,203 --> 00:02:37,119
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
65
00:02:37,121 --> 00:02:39,071
♪ Bang! ♪
66
00:02:39,072 --> 00:02:42,072
The Big Bang Theory 5x06
The Rhinitis Revelation
Original Air Date on October 20, 2011
67
00:02:42,073 --> 00:02:45,073
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
68
00:02:45,074 --> 00:02:46,276
Irasshaimase!
69
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,784
Stop yelling!
70
00:02:49,148 --> 00:02:51,264
I'm not happy about this.
71
00:02:51,266 --> 00:02:53,283
What's the last thing
you were ever happy about?
72
00:02:53,285 --> 00:02:56,036
The prospect
of fried chicken.
73
00:02:57,905 --> 00:02:59,439
This is exciting.
74
00:02:59,441 --> 00:03:01,825
Back home, the diner on
Route Four serves sushi,
75
00:03:01,827 --> 00:03:05,328
but it's just cut up fish sticks
and a side of Uncle Ben's.
76
00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:06,946
They put it on the menu
77
00:03:06,948 --> 00:03:11,501
in those kung fu letters,
but that don't make it sushi.
78
00:03:11,503 --> 00:03:16,139
Uh, kung fu letters might
not be politically correct.
79
00:03:16,141 --> 00:03:19,759
Oh, I thought the one we
couldn't say was "ching chong""
80
00:03:19,761 --> 00:03:23,180
Yeah, yeah, that, too.
81
00:03:23,182 --> 00:03:24,981
So, Shelly, what's up
82
00:03:24,983 --> 00:03:26,850
with you and your friend Amy,
83
00:03:26,852 --> 00:03:29,069
if you don't mind
a mother prying a bit?
84
00:03:29,071 --> 00:03:32,606
Well, there's actually
big news on the Amy front.
85
00:03:32,608 --> 00:03:34,062
She's been studying the
86
00:03:34,087 --> 00:03:36,733
neurobiology of addiction
in lower animals.
87
00:03:36,978 --> 00:03:40,197
She's this close to getting
a starfish hooked on cocaine.
88
00:03:40,199 --> 00:03:43,750
Do you have any idea what's
going on with those two?
89
00:03:43,752 --> 00:03:46,002
It's kind of like
the Loch Ness monster.
90
00:03:46,004 --> 00:03:47,425
Maybe there's something
there, maybe there isn't.
91
00:03:47,450 --> 00:03:48,650
We'll probably never know.
92
00:03:50,258 --> 00:03:54,594
But sometimes it's fun to creep
yourself out thinking about it.
93
00:03:57,048 --> 00:04:00,517
How are you doing on
the young lady front?
94
00:04:00,519 --> 00:04:03,386
I hear you're in some sort
of a long distance situation?
95
00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:05,672
Yeah, it's Raj's sister.
96
00:04:05,674 --> 00:04:06,973
It's kind of tough.
97
00:04:06,975 --> 00:04:08,508
She's in India.
98
00:04:08,510 --> 00:04:10,360
Also, her parents aren't happy
she's dating someone white.
99
00:04:10,362 --> 00:04:12,345
Oh, that's funny
turn, isn't it?
100
00:04:12,347 --> 00:04:16,816
You never think about it
going the other way.
101
00:04:18,903 --> 00:04:22,038
Well, you can't force things.
102
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,190
You need to figure out if
you're in a relationship
103
00:04:24,192 --> 00:04:25,825
or if you're just
calling it one.
104
00:04:25,827 --> 00:04:27,661
It's like they say--
a cat can have kittens
105
00:04:27,663 --> 00:04:31,248
in the oven but that
don't make 'em biscuits.
106
00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:33,366
And that reminds me
of another saying.
107
00:04:33,368 --> 00:04:35,495
You can lead a chicken
to Crisco, but you can't
108
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:36,799
make your mother fry it.
109
00:04:38,872 --> 00:04:42,342
Sheldon, you pester me one
more time about chicken,
110
00:04:42,344 --> 00:04:45,645
I will put you over my knee
right here in this restaurant.
111
00:04:46,898 --> 00:04:49,516
Please pester her.
Please, for me.
112
00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:55,405
So, Mrs. Cooper, what did
you think of the sushi?
113
00:04:55,407 --> 00:04:56,656
It was good.
114
00:04:56,658 --> 00:04:59,075
The only thing that would
have made it better
115
00:04:59,077 --> 00:05:01,111
is if it was cooked
116
00:05:01,113 --> 00:05:04,447
and if it was beef.
117
00:05:04,449 --> 00:05:07,584
Sheldon, when is your landlord
going to fix the elevator?
118
00:05:07,586 --> 00:05:09,369
I don't know.
119
00:05:09,371 --> 00:05:11,087
Lately we've been talking about
120
00:05:11,089 --> 00:05:14,541
converting it
into a missile silo.
121
00:05:14,543 --> 00:05:16,676
Your son seems to think
122
00:05:16,678 --> 00:05:20,180
we need to launch
a preemptive strike on Burbank.
123
00:05:20,182 --> 00:05:23,133
Get them before
they get us.
124
00:05:29,273 --> 00:05:32,809
Hey, look who decided
to show up.
125
00:05:32,811 --> 00:05:34,811
Raj, what are you doing?
126
00:05:34,813 --> 00:05:39,149
I couldn't find you guys
so I bought six new friends.
127
00:05:40,084 --> 00:05:43,637
Three, sadly, are dead.
128
00:05:43,639 --> 00:05:45,872
Mom, you
remember Rajesh?
129
00:05:45,874 --> 00:05:47,991
- Rajesh, my mother.
- Of course.
130
00:05:47,993 --> 00:05:50,210
Mrs. Cooper.
So nice to see you again.
131
00:05:50,212 --> 00:05:52,746
Well, it's so nice
to see you, too.
132
00:05:55,049 --> 00:05:56,949
I thought it was
our Indians
133
00:05:56,951 --> 00:06:00,286
that had the occasional
alcohol problem.
134
00:06:02,056 --> 00:06:04,307
We don't say that, either.
135
00:06:05,626 --> 00:06:08,345
I'll make you a list.
136
00:06:08,347 --> 00:06:10,397
Oh, that would be mighty
white of you.
137
00:06:12,299 --> 00:06:16,102
So, Raj, what pain
are you trying
138
00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:18,355
to cover up with alcohol?
139
00:06:18,357 --> 00:06:20,106
- Nothing, I'm fine.
- Are ya?
140
00:06:20,108 --> 00:06:22,242
No.
141
00:06:22,244 --> 00:06:23,360
That's better.
142
00:06:23,362 --> 00:06:24,794
Now tell me what's
bothering you.
143
00:06:24,796 --> 00:06:27,113
I'm so lonely.
144
00:06:27,115 --> 00:06:29,666
Oh, yes, born alone,
die alone.
145
00:06:29,668 --> 00:06:31,951
It's a tragic
human condition.
146
00:06:31,953 --> 00:06:33,003
Now, Raj,
147
00:06:33,005 --> 00:06:34,320
if you'll excuse my mother,
148
00:06:34,322 --> 00:06:36,122
she's about to make a pecan pie
149
00:06:36,124 --> 00:06:38,008
that'll be so good
I'll almost forget
150
00:06:38,010 --> 00:06:40,176
how she blew it
with the fried chicken.
151
00:06:40,178 --> 00:06:42,212
Sheldon, your
friend is hurtin'.
152
00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:44,180
What do we do when
someone's hurtin'?
153
00:06:44,182 --> 00:06:47,333
Offer them a hot beverage.
154
00:06:47,335 --> 00:06:48,835
And when they're
drunk as a skunk,
155
00:06:48,837 --> 00:06:50,270
what beverage
do we offer?
156
00:06:50,272 --> 00:06:52,355
Coffee.
157
00:06:52,357 --> 00:06:54,691
And what do we do it with?
158
00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:04,183
Now you listen to me.
159
00:07:04,185 --> 00:07:07,203
I know you feel like
you can't find someone,
160
00:07:07,205 --> 00:07:08,905
but there's a
lock for every key.
161
00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:10,290
Back home, there's a girl
162
00:07:10,292 --> 00:07:13,710
works at the Wal-Mart.
Tall, tall girl.
163
00:07:13,712 --> 00:07:16,463
Woman could hunt
geese with a rake.
164
00:07:16,465 --> 00:07:17,997
Thought she'd never
165
00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:21,217
find a man, then one day,
wouldn't ya know,
166
00:07:21,219 --> 00:07:23,887
Harlem Globetrotters
come to town.
167
00:07:23,889 --> 00:07:26,873
Long story short,
168
00:07:26,875 --> 00:07:29,059
today that woman
travels the world
169
00:07:29,061 --> 00:07:30,927
with a semi-professional
basketball player
170
00:07:30,929 --> 00:07:34,180
and two beautiful
mixed-race babies.
171
00:07:34,182 --> 00:07:38,485
I didn't get a lot of that
because of your accent,
172
00:07:38,487 --> 00:07:40,320
but the general tone
was soothing
173
00:07:40,322 --> 00:07:42,221
and somehow I feel better.
174
00:07:43,691 --> 00:07:47,660
I'm not going to get
my pecan pie, am I?
175
00:07:47,662 --> 00:07:49,395
You want some Oreos?
176
00:07:49,397 --> 00:07:51,030
- Double Stuf?
- No, regular.
177
00:07:51,032 --> 00:07:53,783
Nice. Kick a man when he's down.
178
00:07:54,919 --> 00:07:57,871
I'm glad we're finally getting
to do something together,
179
00:07:57,873 --> 00:07:59,506
just the two of us.
180
00:07:59,508 --> 00:08:00,769
Sure. One thing you really
miss when you're on
181
00:08:00,794 --> 00:08:02,513
vacation is laundry.
182
00:08:03,128 --> 00:08:05,712
Careful, you're using
too much Downey.
183
00:08:05,714 --> 00:08:08,465
You know if my clothes get
too soft it makes me sleepy.
184
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:10,583
Well, this takes me back.
185
00:08:10,585 --> 00:08:13,686
Me doing your laundry, you
next to me criticizing.
186
00:08:13,688 --> 00:08:15,638
It is nice, isn't it?
187
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,308
Mrs. Cooper.
188
00:08:18,310 --> 00:08:21,928
- Hi!
- Oh, hello, darlin'.
189
00:08:21,930 --> 00:08:23,780
Sheldon, you didn't tell
me your mom was coming.
190
00:08:23,782 --> 00:08:26,316
It was in my weekly
e-mail blast.
191
00:08:26,318 --> 00:08:27,217
Right between
192
00:08:27,219 --> 00:08:29,285
"Beet season is finally here"
193
00:08:29,287 --> 00:08:33,490
and "Uh-oh, red stool from
beets leads to cancer scare."
194
00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,461
So, how've you been?
195
00:08:38,463 --> 00:08:39,579
Good, good.
196
00:08:39,581 --> 00:08:41,164
I hear that Leonard
has a new girlfriend.
197
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:42,632
How are you doing
with all that?
198
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:44,634
Oh, fine. You know,
it's been a while.
199
00:08:44,636 --> 00:08:46,252
I'm getting
back out there.
200
00:08:46,254 --> 00:08:48,755
Let me ask you, when
you get back out there,
201
00:08:48,757 --> 00:08:51,341
are you wearing this?
202
00:08:52,259 --> 00:08:54,961
Well, it's super cute on.
203
00:08:54,963 --> 00:08:56,900
That top has paid for itself
in free drinks like ten
204
00:08:56,925 --> 00:08:58,399
times what it cost.
205
00:08:59,401 --> 00:09:01,968
Yes, Penny has a lot
of her money tied up
206
00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:03,135
in promiscuity futures.
207
00:09:03,137 --> 00:09:05,438
Hon, you think
208
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,191
maybe the reason why
you're having trouble
209
00:09:08,193 --> 00:09:10,026
finding a guy
to settle down with
210
00:09:10,028 --> 00:09:12,362
is because you're letting them
ride the roller coaster
211
00:09:12,364 --> 00:09:14,480
without buying a ticket?
212
00:09:14,482 --> 00:09:18,334
Oh, they don't always get
to ride the roller coaster.
213
00:09:18,336 --> 00:09:22,372
Sometimes they only get
to spin the teacups.
214
00:09:25,142 --> 00:09:26,926
Now I'm going out tonight.
Would it be crazy
215
00:09:26,928 --> 00:09:29,262
to ask you to look at the
outfit I'm going to wear?
216
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,163
Oh, not crazy at all.
217
00:09:31,165 --> 00:09:32,465
And don't beat yourself up.
218
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,218
When I was your age, you could
have me for a car ride
219
00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:37,003
and a bottle
of strawberry wine.
220
00:09:41,492 --> 00:09:45,311
That will not be
in this week's e-mail blast.
221
00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:48,147
So, this spring,
I get to go
222
00:09:48,149 --> 00:09:51,017
to the International
Space Station.
223
00:09:51,019 --> 00:09:55,071
Oh, my word,
a trip to the heavens.
224
00:09:56,207 --> 00:09:58,408
If you ever want
to live there eternally,
225
00:09:58,410 --> 00:10:00,710
I've got a good book
you could read.
226
00:10:00,712 --> 00:10:03,630
Thanks, but I watch the
Charlie Brown Christmas special
227
00:10:03,632 --> 00:10:05,548
every year, so I get the gist.
228
00:10:05,550 --> 00:10:07,917
I bet your mom
is really proud of you.
229
00:10:07,919 --> 00:10:09,219
Nope.
230
00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:10,803
She says if I don't back out
231
00:10:10,805 --> 00:10:12,755
she's going to go
on a hunger strike.
232
00:10:12,757 --> 00:10:14,257
It would take years before
233
00:10:14,259 --> 00:10:16,926
she'd be in any kind of danger,
but still.
234
00:10:16,928 --> 00:10:19,812
I've got a treat
for us tomorrow, Mom.
235
00:10:19,814 --> 00:10:21,064
I'm taking you
236
00:10:21,066 --> 00:10:23,816
to see Saul Perlmutter
give a lecture
237
00:10:23,818 --> 00:10:25,852
about his Nobel Prize-winning
work in cosmology.
238
00:10:25,854 --> 00:10:27,186
And the best part is,
239
00:10:27,188 --> 00:10:29,072
at the Q and A afterward,
240
00:10:29,074 --> 00:10:30,607
I've worked up
a couple of "Q's"
241
00:10:30,609 --> 00:10:33,493
that will stump
his sorry "A."
242
00:10:34,528 --> 00:10:36,162
I don't know, Shelly.
243
00:10:36,164 --> 00:10:38,281
I thought we could do
a little sightseeing.
244
00:10:38,283 --> 00:10:40,900
What sight is better
than your little boy
245
00:10:40,902 --> 00:10:43,303
embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
246
00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:45,404
Come on, Sheldon,
we'll take your mom
247
00:10:45,406 --> 00:10:47,090
to see the Hollywood sign,
248
00:10:47,092 --> 00:10:48,908
the wax museum,
the Walk of Fame.
249
00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:51,044
Ooh, maybe
a little Rodeo Drive.
250
00:10:51,046 --> 00:10:54,213
Well, I can't spend
$12,000 on a handbag,
251
00:10:54,215 --> 00:10:56,082
but it's free
to look upon those
252
00:10:56,084 --> 00:10:58,585
who do with righteous
condemnation.
253
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:01,521
What do you say?
254
00:11:01,523 --> 00:11:03,606
What do I say?
255
00:11:03,608 --> 00:11:06,392
I say you people need
to stop ruining my mom's visit
256
00:11:06,394 --> 00:11:10,363
with your sushi, and your
sadness and your slutty shirts.
257
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:12,532
Stop it.
258
00:11:15,786 --> 00:11:19,072
He's not talking about your
shirt. Your shirt is fine.
259
00:11:25,228 --> 00:11:26,977
These are delicious.
260
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:29,262
The trick to pancakes
is bacon grease.
261
00:11:29,264 --> 00:11:31,514
I cook everything in it.
262
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,317
Everything? Aren't you
worried about your health?
263
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,652
Oh, doctors are always
changing their mind.
264
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,354
One week bacon grease
is bad for you.
265
00:11:38,356 --> 00:11:41,240
The next week we're not
getting enough of it.
266
00:11:42,276 --> 00:11:44,527
Good morning, Shelly.
267
00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:48,497
Mom, I want to apologize
for my behavior last night.
268
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,866
- Apology accepted.
- Great.
269
00:11:50,868 --> 00:11:52,818
Now, you're going to love
the Perlmutter lecture.
270
00:11:52,820 --> 00:11:55,838
Look, he will be stating
that the universe is older
271
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,456
than 6,000 years,
but I thought
272
00:11:57,458 --> 00:11:59,125
you could stick your
fingers in your ears
273
00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:01,928
and hum "Amazing Grace"
during those parts.
274
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,680
I am still going out
with your friends.
275
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,933
But I apologized.
276
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:10,686
And that was hard for me because
I didn't do anything wrong.
277
00:12:11,888 --> 00:12:16,392
Shelly, I hung out with you
in enough dusty lecture halls
278
00:12:16,394 --> 00:12:18,311
while you were growing up.
279
00:12:18,313 --> 00:12:19,528
I want to go sightseeing.
280
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,013
So why don't you
have some pancakes,
281
00:12:21,015 --> 00:12:22,181
get dressed and come with us.
282
00:12:22,183 --> 00:12:25,735
I'm not going,
and you can't make me.
283
00:12:25,737 --> 00:12:29,455
You're right, I can't.
Have a nice day.
284
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,375
Well, I'm going to stand here
until you change your mind.
285
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,627
Well, then you are going
to stand there all day.
286
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:41,550
I'm just gonna take my bacon
grease and slide over there.
287
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,670
I can't believe my own
mother is abandoning me.
288
00:12:44,672 --> 00:12:46,839
I am not abandoning you.
289
00:12:46,841 --> 00:12:49,091
Sheldon, abandoning you
is leaving you in a basket
290
00:12:49,093 --> 00:12:50,393
on a church doorstep.
291
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:55,064
I am going to Hollywood and
thank a wax Ronald Reagan
292
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,383
for his service
to our country.
293
00:12:59,552 --> 00:13:02,188
We appear to be at a crossroads
in our relationship, Mother.
294
00:13:02,190 --> 00:13:03,823
Well, I guess we are.
295
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,025
Sorry.
Syrup.
296
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,361
All right, Mom.
297
00:13:08,363 --> 00:13:11,330
When you're at the Ripley's
Believe It Or Not Museum,
298
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,733
if they have an exhibit about a
mother who threw away a chance
299
00:13:14,735 --> 00:13:16,902
to spend the day with the
world's most wonderful son,
300
00:13:16,904 --> 00:13:18,621
believe it,
because it's true.
301
00:13:21,208 --> 00:13:23,676
I hadn't...
302
00:13:24,828 --> 00:13:27,546
That lecture was
a waste of time.
303
00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:29,465
I made more accurate diagrams
304
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:32,051
of the expansion of the early
universe on the nursery wall
305
00:13:32,053 --> 00:13:34,086
with the contents
of my diaper.
306
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:37,723
Are you getting sick?
307
00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:39,975
No, I'm just allergic to people
308
00:13:39,977 --> 00:13:42,895
who get Nobel Prizes
for no good reason.
309
00:13:42,897 --> 00:13:45,981
Sheldon, is it possible
that your foul mood--
310
00:13:45,983 --> 00:13:50,286
or, to use the clinical
term, bitchiness--
311
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:53,039
is because your mother
isn't making you a priority?
312
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:58,244
No. Or to use the
clinical term, "nuh-uh""
313
00:13:59,162 --> 00:14:01,130
Are you sure?
The infant-mother pair-bond
314
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:02,515
is the building block
of primate psychology.
315
00:14:02,517 --> 00:14:03,632
Oh, there it is.
316
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:05,584
It always comes back
to monkeys with you.
317
00:14:05,586 --> 00:14:08,620
Just monkeys,
monkeys, monkeys.
318
00:14:08,622 --> 00:14:10,840
Sheldon, we're all animals.
319
00:14:10,842 --> 00:14:13,392
And granted, there are aspects
of you that are extraordinary,
320
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,794
but when it comes to
emotions and relationships,
321
00:14:15,796 --> 00:14:17,096
you're just like everybody else.
322
00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:20,182
Are you trying to suggest
that my emotional problems
323
00:14:20,184 --> 00:14:23,986
are no different than
those of a stupid person?
324
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,072
Actually, some research
indicates
325
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,356
that by not overthinking,
326
00:14:27,358 --> 00:14:29,492
the less intelligent
handle emotions better.
327
00:14:32,412 --> 00:14:34,080
Sure you're not coming
down with a cold?
328
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:36,165
Oh, yes, the common cold.
329
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,283
Just like everyone else.
330
00:14:37,285 --> 00:14:38,667
You'd love that,
wouldn't you?
331
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:43,956
Oh, this one's sweet.
332
00:14:43,958 --> 00:14:47,293
You know,
for your rosary rattlers.
333
00:14:47,295 --> 00:14:53,015
Mrs. Cooper, we say "Catholics""
not "rosary rattlers."
334
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:54,967
My goodness, it's a wonder
you people in California
335
00:14:54,969 --> 00:14:56,302
can talk at all.
336
00:14:57,854 --> 00:14:59,722
This is like the
worst Hollywood tour ever.
337
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,807
What are we gonna do?
She wanted to see churches.
338
00:15:01,809 --> 00:15:04,727
Hey, they have wine
here, don't they?
339
00:15:07,180 --> 00:15:10,849
None of our gods
have abs like that.
340
00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:13,719
Yep, that's the last
Jew who did sit-ups.
341
00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:17,456
And look where it got him.
342
00:15:18,775 --> 00:15:21,794
Hey, while we're here, why
don't we all do some praying?
343
00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:23,929
Let's put a little
church in this church.
344
00:15:23,931 --> 00:15:25,364
Oh, I'm not sure we should...
345
00:15:25,366 --> 00:15:27,533
It's easy.
I'll show you how.
346
00:15:27,535 --> 00:15:29,135
Lord, Mary Cooper here.
347
00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:32,588
Coming to you from
Gomorrah, California.
348
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,256
I want to thank you
349
00:15:34,258 --> 00:15:37,009
for the blessing that
is my little Shelly.
350
00:15:37,011 --> 00:15:39,895
I also want to thank you
for the continued strength
351
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:43,065
not to coldcock him
with my Bible.
352
00:15:44,351 --> 00:15:46,718
All right, Penny, your turn.
353
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,487
Okay, um...
354
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:49,488
Hey, God.
355
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,158
What's up?
356
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,578
Um, I'm good, but, uh, it would
be a big help to my family
357
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,780
if you could get my brother
to stop cooking meth.
358
00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:03,335
But no cops. Be cool.
359
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:08,574
She also goes a little overboard
on the "love thy neighbor."
360
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:12,178
Could probably use that chat
you had with Mary Magdalene.
361
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,180
Leonard, you're up.
362
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,048
Wasserman, you're on deck.
363
00:16:16,050 --> 00:16:17,766
Okay. I don't know...
364
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:22,855
it's probably a little late
to ask you to make me taller.
365
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,445
Oh, um... if you could help
out with me and my girlfriend.
366
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,697
She's all the way in India.
That would be great.
367
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:32,948
Hear that? Girl trouble.
368
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,734
Turns out we were both wrong
on that front.
369
00:16:39,122 --> 00:16:40,623
How about you?
370
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:41,991
Oh, me? No.
Thanks, I'm good.
371
00:16:41,993 --> 00:16:45,777
I'm really just trying not
to burst into flames.
372
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:49,498
Rajesh?
373
00:16:52,002 --> 00:16:55,888
He says he's having trouble
dropping those last five pounds.
374
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:59,892
Huh, I might have gone with
the talking-to-girls thing.
375
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,479
No, you only get one wish.
376
00:17:21,164 --> 00:17:24,133
Look at the two of us.
377
00:17:24,135 --> 00:17:27,152
Me, a highly
regarded physicist.
378
00:17:27,154 --> 00:17:29,338
The kind of mind that
comes along once,
379
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,423
maybe twice in a generation.
380
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,825
You, the common man,
381
00:17:33,827 --> 00:17:37,463
tired from your labors
as a stockbroker,
382
00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:41,667
or vacuum cleaner salesman,
or bootblack.
383
00:17:43,169 --> 00:17:45,837
But deep down inside...
384
00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:48,474
apparently we're just
two peas in a pod.
385
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:51,527
A regular pea,
386
00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:54,196
and the kind of pea
that comes along once,
387
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:56,565
maybe twice in a generation.
388
00:18:00,821 --> 00:18:02,020
Rain.
389
00:18:02,022 --> 00:18:04,456
Another great equalizer.
390
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,325
Falling on the head
of the brilliant
391
00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,460
and the unremarkable alike.
392
00:18:15,502 --> 00:18:17,703
Smarty-pants.
393
00:18:21,174 --> 00:18:23,542
Oh, Mrs. Cooper,
it smells so good.
394
00:18:23,544 --> 00:18:24,760
You take notes, darlin'.
395
00:18:24,762 --> 00:18:27,179
The real way to get a man
is with melted cheese
396
00:18:27,181 --> 00:18:28,981
and cream of mushroom soup.
397
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:32,651
He'll die at 50 but
his love will be true.
398
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,558
I need a tissue.
This one got wet.
399
00:18:42,729 --> 00:18:43,946
Here.
400
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:47,499
Thank you. Yeah, I've
learned something today.
401
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:51,370
You and I, in so many ways,
402
00:18:51,372 --> 00:18:54,673
other than intelligence and
what counts, we're the same.
403
00:18:56,910 --> 00:18:59,511
Sweetheart, are you sick?
404
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:02,414
I hope so, because if this is
well, life isn't worth living.
405
00:19:02,416 --> 00:19:05,718
Oh, sugarpie,
you are burning up.
406
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,970
- We've got to get you to bed.
- Okay.
407
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,422
Don't worry. Mama's here
to take care of her baby.
408
00:19:10,424 --> 00:19:14,526
And just to be clear,
only her baby
409
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,811
and not these other people.
410
00:19:15,813 --> 00:19:17,763
Of course.
411
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:21,200
Can I have tea with honey and
toast with the crust cut off?
412
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,819
You can have
whatever you want.
413
00:19:23,821 --> 00:19:26,705
Thanks, Mom.
You're the best.
414
00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:37,822
Boy, last time I put
VapoRub on you,
415
00:19:37,823 --> 00:19:40,774
you didn't have hair
on your chest.
416
00:19:40,776 --> 00:19:44,078
I know, it filled in last year.
417
00:19:46,131 --> 00:19:49,049
I didn't get to spend a lot of
time with you on this visit.
418
00:19:49,051 --> 00:19:51,135
And whose fault was that?
419
00:19:51,953 --> 00:19:54,121
Yours.
420
00:19:55,306 --> 00:19:57,474
Shelly, you're not eight
years old anymore.
421
00:19:57,476 --> 00:19:59,393
We have to have
a different relationship.
422
00:19:59,395 --> 00:20:01,311
No, we don't.
423
00:20:01,313 --> 00:20:02,813
The one we have
works great.
424
00:20:02,815 --> 00:20:04,515
Sweetheart, you are a grown man.
425
00:20:04,517 --> 00:20:06,967
Or maybe I'm part of
a new species,
426
00:20:06,969 --> 00:20:08,852
that lives for
hundreds of years,
427
00:20:08,854 --> 00:20:11,939
which means I'm still
basically a toddler.
428
00:20:12,773 --> 00:20:15,974
Oh, I so should have
taken you to Houston.
429
00:20:19,579 --> 00:20:21,997
Does this mean you're not
going to sing "Soft Kitty"?
430
00:20:21,999 --> 00:20:25,617
No, I will always
sing you "Soft Kitty."
431
00:20:26,669 --> 00:20:29,988
♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty ♪
432
00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:32,257
♪ Little ball of fur... ♪
433
00:20:32,259 --> 00:20:33,459
Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to
take that pie out of the oven?
434
00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:36,262
Get out!
435
00:20:37,397 --> 00:20:38,397
Well, that was rude.
436
00:20:38,399 --> 00:20:41,633
Well, I know,
but he means well.
437
00:20:42,635 --> 00:20:43,936
Sing.
438
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:47,489
♪ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty... ♪
439
00:20:47,491 --> 00:20:49,208
What are you trying
to pull, Mom?
440
00:20:49,210 --> 00:20:51,777
From the top.
441
00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:56,503
This is what I'm talking about.
442
00:20:56,505 --> 00:21:02,034
♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty,
little ball of fur... ♪
443
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:06,040
== sync, corrected by elderman ==