Tessa: We were excited about our first Halloween in Chatswin...
Maybe more excited than we should've been.
Hi, neighbor! (Laughs)
That's my tombstone? What killed me?
It started as a lump under your arm.
I urged you to get it look at, but you...
You said it was nothin'.
And then four weeks later...
Four weeks later?
I told you to get it looked at.
Okay, thank you. That's enough.
You're good at Halloween.
I was.
But growing up in the city, I never had a chance to shine.
Our halloweens were scary in a different way.
Trick or treat?!
Yeah. There's been a murder here.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
(Laughs) Murder? Wow, you guys went all out, huh?
(Police radio chatter)
So the idea of a Halloween drenched in fake blood instead of real blood
was pretty appealing.
Oh.
We need realistic arterial spray,
not amateur hour.
Amateur hour? I should cut your head off for that.
- You're all talk. - All talk, huh?
Here we go!
(High-pitched voice) No! No!
Ugh!
(Laughs)
(Imitates British accent) Any final words?
(Imitates British accent) Yes! I'm not afraid to die.
I've lived in Chatswin.
Hey, buddy!
(Laughs) What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
Was gonna cut Tessa's head off with my new guillotine,
but I really have no follow-through so...
Terrific! Gory stuff! Yikes!
It's Halloween.
Yeah but the neighborhood association
has to approve any changes to the town aesthetic.
I... it can be a total drag.
It's like, "ugh! Quit coming down on me"
with your rules, "the neighborhood association."
But, uh, then again,
Chatswin always wins the award for most uniform houses.
- That's not nothing. - It's next to nothing.
I'm putting up my decorations. What are they gonna do, fine me?
- Yes, they're going to fine you. - Fine me. Fine.
Don't pretend like you have disposable income.
Let me, uh, help you, uh, put this in the garage.
You can talk to Dallas. She's the head of the N.A.
Maybe she'll bend the rules for you.
I knew Halloween out here was gonna suck.
Hey, over my dead body.
What killed you, by the way?
It started as a dry, persistent, cough...
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com
(woman) ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪
♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪
If these suburban idiots
wanted to make a mockery of Halloween,
then I'd have to find a costume
that made a mockery of them.
[ ♪ ]
"Misty"?
Inspiration?
Courtesy of "Misty"...
And her nasty old hair bumpit.
I decided to go as a tacky-ass suburban girl,
so naturally, I bumped it.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
- (Kenzie and Kaitlyn) Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
Couldn't help but notice you bumped it today.
So what, skank?
It's part of my costume.
I found it in my room.
- It used to belong to... - Misty.
- Yes. How did you... - Know?
Not as impressive, but yes.
Who's this Misty chick?
Misty used to live in your house,
she used to bump it, she used to wear velour
sweat suits with high heels.
(Rattles)
Why won't this locker open?
Because that's Misty's old locker.
Weird.
Yeah, it is weird.
Very weird,
especially considering what happened to Misty.
What happened to Misty?
Nothing.
(Gasps)
Tessa, I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
"Kick me" signs, prank calls.
But this is in bad taste.
This is?
I'd like to see you in my office.
Mr. wolfe used to see Misty in his office.
(School bell rings)
Oh! Hey, George.
Did stop by to help string up some smiley faces
for our annual jaunty not haunty carefest not scarefest?
No. I wanna know how I am supposed to enjoy Halloween
if I can't put up a normal,
run-of-the-mill guillotine on my lawn.
A guillotine? Oh, my goodness, no.
Well, that kind of scary far exceeds our acceptable limit.
I mean, it's fine for east Chatswin,
where they have self-service gasoline
and only one yogurt shop.
- Now that's scary. - But it's Halloween.
And this place looks like
the gumdrop fairy threw up all over lollipop town.
Yeah, he must've eaten too many gumdrops. (Laughs)
Whatever this is, it's not Halloween.
George...
Honey?
Uh, you know, George,
the parents in Chatswin
have gone to considerable financial lengths
to create a community to protect our children.
So why on God's green would we go around
and scare the bejoozies out of them?
But you're not protecting them.
You're... you're...
You're warping them.
You know what scares me?
Is a 15-year-old girl dressed as a... I'm sorry, what are you?
- A slutty mushroom. - Of course you are.
Looking good, shiitake!
Where are the zombies? And the witches
and the... The mutant zombie witches?
You are robbing these kids of harmless, spooky fun.
Fun? No one likes to be frightened, George.
It just makes people cry and scream
and pee my pants.
Wow.
- You are really sensitive. - I am.
I have always been this way. And the tiniest little thing
can set me off.
Bats, mice, twins,
triangle eyes.
Like on a pumpkin.
I feel bad for you, Dallas.
You have no idea what you're missing.
Ignorance is bliss.
Beg pardon?
Oh, no one's talking to you, bliss. Just making a point.
(Lowered voice) She is ignorant.
I expect more from you, Tessa.
Impersonating a former Chatswin high student is inappropriate,
especially considering Misty's fate.
Her fate? What happened?
She's dead, Tessa.
Misty went to...
A better place.
So I'm living in a dead girl's room.
That's right, Tessa.
Not so funny now, is it?
Lisa,
why didn't you tell me I was living in a dead girl's room?
(Lock clicks)
I can't go if I know that you're standing there.
I'm not leaving.
Okay.
Misty was new to Chatswin, just like you.
We were in homeroom together.
We both liked chunky sweaters.
She was my best friend.
You're my best friend.
But then, Misty got lasik eye surgery.
And after that,
everything changed...
Like she totally had lost sight of who she was,
and I really need you to leave now so I can pee.
Uh-oh. I'm turning on the water.
(Water running) It sounds like a stream of...
Okay! Okay. All right.
I was hurt and angry,
and I just wanted Misty to disappear forever.
And then, one day, she did.
(Toilet flushes,
stall door opens)
(Door creaks)
I thought you couldn't go if I was standing here.
I went during the flush.
So then what happened to Misty?
How'd she die?
(Water running)
But I'm worried.
Why? Because I'm dressing like her?
No, because you bumped it and you're using her old locker
and you're throwing around lots of 'tude like Misty and...
Lisa, this is redonk.
And you just said "redonk"!
That's what Misty always used to say about everything!
What are you trying to say, Lisa?
I am trying to say
that is it near all hallows Eve,
and that the spirit of Misty is trying to possess you.
Ohh!
I get it.
You're supposed to be a lunatic.
I'm a ladybug.
(Knock on door)
George?
Come in!
George?
Yeah, come on back. I'm in the living room.
Hey, I got your message, and I don't want to be rude,
but I think any more talk of this guillotine of yours
is a huge waste of time.
- Hey. Come on in. Sit down. - Oh. I don't have time.
Steven's out of town,
and I need to have the housekeeper order dinner for dahlia.
Come over here for a sec.
I got a picture of a lollipop. You gotta check this out.
What kind of lollipop?
(Bones rattle) Aah!
Ah! (Laughs)
Ow! Oh. Dallas?
- Ohh. - Are you okay?
- That was not okay. - I'm sorry.
Why would you do this?
What is wrong with you?
I'm sorry. I thought I'd throw you in the deep end,
show you how much fun being scared can be.
Does it look like I'm having fun?!
Sorry. You rest here.
I'm gonna get ya some ice.
Who let all these bees in here?
O-okay.
Rest, but don't fall asleep.
Tessa: I don't believe in ghosts.
I'm not superstitious.
My first kiss was under a ladder.
But to be honest,
the whole idea of sleeping in a dead girl's room
was starting to freak me out.
(Gasps)
Dad?
You're still awake.
Yeah.
What are you doing up?
Ahh.
Couldn't sleep.
So listen, I don't want to disappoint you, but...
Halloween out here is gonna suck.
So no luck with Dallas, huh?
Not really.
(Chuckles)
And I almost killed her trying.
Dad...
Do you ever wonder who lived here before us?
Yeah. What kind of lunatics would buy squishy toilet seats?
I mean...
If someone...
Died in this house, they would have to tell you before we moved in here, right?
It depends.
On what?
If they were...
Murdered.
(Laughing evilly)
- So you didn't hear anything? - No.
(Whispers) Nothing.
(Normal voice) Good night, sweetheart.
(Kisses)
Like a doctor in the E.R.,
George refused to let it die.
He made one final attempt
to convince Dallas we should have a scary Halloween.
Come on, Dallas. Where are you?
Aah! Holy crap!
(Gasps)
Whoa. Oh, my lordy, George. Did I scare you?
No! I-I mean, no. You just...
Caught me by surprise.
I did scare you, didn't I?
Okay, maybe a little, yeah.
(Laughs)
You should have seen your face.
I thought your eyebrows were gonna pop off your head.
Well, you... You just came out of nowhere.
(Laughs) Pop, pop. That's what it looked like.
(Laughs)
- This is fun. - See?
What did I tell you? Scaring people can be fun.
But being scared isn't.
Okay, look, I'm sorry about the... The head injury.
Those are for me?
But if you give me another shot,
I promise to deliver harmless, scary fun.
So what do you say?
I was determined to find out what actually happened to Misty.
Even if that meant going to the Chatswin country club.
Ho just died. Sucks.
Before she died, Misty was super funny.
Why, because she called everything "redonk"?
(Both laugh)
It's happening all over again.
We are not losing our only friend to Dalia.
I have other friends.
(Giggling)
Well, I don't.
[ ♪ ]
What is with these people?
Okay, George.
I'm in my ready-to-be-scared clothes.
Aah!
Yes, you are.
Okay, uh, we have the classics here. (Bag rustling)
We have "the exorcist," "the omen," and "Rosemary's baby."
Pick your poison.
Can't we just watch "Sex and the City", the sequel?
N-no. We're trying to scare you, not me.
All right, well,
then how about the one with the cute, little baby?
Great.
But just to warn you, the cute, little baby is the devil.
(Laughs) Then "the exorcist."
Well, ok, the little girl's devil.
- Okay, then "the omen". - Little boy's devil.
Okay, George, just pick one. Surprise me.
Okay.
First time I saw this,
I didn't sleep without a crucifix for a month.
Okay. You ready?
Ready. (Sighs)
(Theme from "the exorcist" playing) As long as I can have squeezing privileges.
(Chuckles) Squeeze all you want, just no nails.
Look.
- They're optional. - Oh.
Now I'm scared.
Thanks.
Popcorn?
(Crunches)
- Uh, sure. - Oh.
Aah! Oh! I gotcha!
(Laughs)
Oh, very, very impressive. Not bad.
Well, there's more where that came from.
Yeah, you know,
if you really wanted to scare me,
you should have put some of those blue nails on here.
(Gasps) They would have popped right off.
Oh!
I love it.
Ah. (Chuckles)
Look how cute that is.
[ ♪ ]
What the...
George?
Misty has you in her grip.
There's only one way to free you, Tessa...
If you still respond to that name.
I do still respond to that name.
That's my name.
We're performing an exorcism...
Tonight.
But we don't have a lot of time. "Hoarders" comes on in an hour.
Why is he dressed like a pimp?
I'm the guy from run- D.M.C.
He's a reverend.
Look, this is the best I could do on short notice.
Don't engage her, Malik.
She's just being a bitch because she's possessed by Misty.
Right, Misty?
Right... Lisa.
(Laughs)
That's not funny.
Aah!
(Laughs)
What do you think? (Pants)
My palms are sweaty,
and my heart is racing.
I think I'm gonna die.
It is really enjoyable.
See?
Can we please have a scary Halloween?
And can I grease up my guillotine
and let some heads roll?
Okay, yes.
(Claps) Go for it before it's too late.
I am gonna send off a quick e-mail
to the neighborhood association
and let 'em know I said okay.
Dallas... thank you.
I'll kill you last.
I appreciate that. I have dinner plans tomorrow.
(Chuckles)
(Creaking sound)
Dallas?
(Gate creaks in distance)
Uh-oh!
Sounds like there's a scary thing at the door.
Better defend myself.
Aha!
- Who are you? - Who are you?
Who am I?
Uhh! (Grunts)
Officer Breen?
Hey, hey!
Hey, it's Steven Royce. How are you, you son of a gun?
(Groans)
Hey, I'm on the phone. No talking, okay?
Don't be rude.
Yeah, the reason I'm calling
is I'm trying to find out
if I had a break-in or not here at the house.
You didn't have a break-in. I'm with Dallas.
What... what do you mean, you're with Dallas?
I'm not with Dallas.
I'm here with Dallas, at the house.
This is my house. I own this house.
Fine. It's your house.
I have a very strict no-shoe policy. Why are your shoes on?
Well, Dallas didn't mention the shoe policy.
Steven, you're home.
And I see you met our new neighbour, George.
Hello, Steven. Welcome home.
What's with the shoes?
I'm sorry.
I really appreciate you concern for me,
but I'm not possessed.
Look.
That's as far as I can move my head.
(Doorbell rings)
Hey. Trick-or-treaters.. I should go.
Tessa,
if you can hear me, lie down on table.
Whatever.
She can still hear me.
When you guys are done, do you wanna go get Fro-Yo?
♪ In nomine patris ♪
♪ et filii, et spiritus sancti ♪
Cut the crap, Misty, you little bitch,
and go back to hell where you belong!
(Doorbell rings)
Can we please pause the exorcism
so I can go give these kids their candy?
I'd rather not. I feel like we have some momentum.
(Pounding on door)
Open up!
I know you're in there!
Wait.
I-I know that voice.
- Who's there? - It's Misty, Ho.
I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.
Well, I came home a day early
because I wanted to rush home and see my beautiful wife.
Oh.
May... May I, uh, may I kiss you?
- You may. - Yes, I may.
Okay.
Mm.
Mm!
Good to be home.
So... how did it go?
Did you close the account
or land that big thingie or whatever?
I have no idea what he does,
but he's the best at it.
She doesn't care what I do as long as it keeps her in Gucci.
- This isn't Gucci. - What is it, then?
It's Cavalli. (Laughs)
Cavalli. That's...
That's the thing about Dallas.
She knows how to put an outfit together.
I'm gonna grab my stuff.
Why does he... Why does he have stuff?
(Rapid knocking on door) Tessa, don't.
Don't do it. Don't do it. I mean it.
(Pounding on door) Come on! I drove all the way from Paramus!
- Paramus, you guys. - D-don't!
- Opening the door. - No!
Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat, losers? I used to live here.
Misty?
I thought you were dead.
(Sighs)
Lisa, still redonk, I see.
Aah! (Gasps)
That's stings! What is that, you pimp?
Holy water.
(Scoffs)
It's ginger ale. Sorry.
Wow.
My bedroom is so much uglier now.
Thank you.
I-I still don't get how you're alive.
Your... your parents said that you went to a better place.
Yeah, I did.
"A better place" is a remedial school in New Jersey.
Wow. I-I didn't realize that you were that stupid.
Should've said something.
But why would Mr. wolfe say that you were dead?
To him, I am.
I did really bad on my standardized testing, you guys.
And he didn't want to besmirch Chatswin's educational record.
"Besmirch"!
That's a great word, Misty.
And way to use it correctly.
Oh, thanks, you guys. Thanks.
Anyway, I guess it was just easier to say
I went to a better place
than to say I went to "a better place."
(Chuckles)
But...
Now that I'm not stupid anymore,
my parents said it's, uh,
okay if I come back for trick-or-treating.
- Oops. Oh, that... - Excuse me.
That's... That's nice.
I think she just stole your nail Polish.
She could take the nail Polish. That was fine.
I was just secretly relieved
that she didn't ask for her cat clock back,
because just like the suburbs on Halloween,
it had kind of started to grow on me.
So, uh, sorry.
That was weird. Was that weird?
No! Not at all.
I could tell Steven really liked you.
Ah. From... from the way he punched me in the face?
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Cavalli, huh?
Yeah.
So...
Happy Halloween, George.
Oh.
- Happy Halloween! - Aah!
(Laughs)
Bye.
(Laughs) Bye.
He's got a goatee, huh?
(Thunder crashing, woman laughing evilly)
Well, George,
I think we did it.
(Woman screams)
Oh, yeah.
(Owl hooting) This place looks great.
Oh, your "march of the venomous" "spiders" idea...
Nice touch.
Oh, stop. (Woman screams)
You're too kind.
Seriously, you're supposed to be an executioner.
Oh. Hey, kids.
(Laughs)
Happy Halloween!
(Laughs evilly)
You want candy?
Nice costumes.
Hey, guys.
All right, kids. Don't go yet.
There's more. You ready?
(Imitates British accent) Prepare to meet thy maker.
(Blade drops, squish)
(Children screaming)
What, this?
You're scared of this?!
(Tessa and George laughing,
children screaming)
Ah, happy Halloween!
(Laughs)
Ohh.
You are really good at Halloween.
Oh.
I'm the best.
(Thunder crashing)
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com