1
00:00:01,822 --> 00:00:03,357
(owl hooting)
2
00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:06,064
(laughs)
3
00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:07,535
Massive haul
this year.
4
00:00:11,906 --> 00:00:14,447
To candy!
5
00:00:15,896 --> 00:00:18,232
(burps)
6
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:22,608
Fee-fi-fo-fum, give me
all your candy and gum!
7
00:00:22,676 --> 00:00:24,610
Who are you
and why do you want our candy?
8
00:00:24,678 --> 00:00:26,512
Your mother is
the switch witch--
9
00:00:26,580 --> 00:00:28,381
a sort of tooth
fairy dealie.
10
00:00:28,448 --> 00:00:31,683
I take your sugary sweets
and I give you healthy items.
11
00:00:31,751 --> 00:00:35,586
Plain brown toothbrushes,
unflavored dental floss
12
00:00:35,654 --> 00:00:39,556
and fun-sized mouthwashes--
TSA approved.
13
00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,757
This is exactly why
kids need a union.
14
00:00:41,825 --> 00:00:43,626
(Bart and Lisa grumbling)
15
00:00:45,062 --> 00:00:46,664
(humming)
16
00:00:46,732 --> 00:00:48,633
Now remember, Homie,
that candy goes to...
17
00:00:48,701 --> 00:00:51,036
Our fighting
men and women overseas.
18
00:00:51,104 --> 00:00:54,306
It's our way of letting them
know we're having fun back here.
19
00:00:54,374 --> 00:00:57,579
No sneaking off and eating
that candy yourself.
20
00:00:57,647 --> 00:00:59,715
Marge, you know
I'd never do that.
21
00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:02,586
I'm too scared
of the evil switch witch.
22
00:01:02,653 --> 00:01:04,722
The switch witch is me.
23
00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:07,993
You know, on some level,
I've always known.
24
00:01:08,061 --> 00:01:09,594
(car door closes, tires screech)
25
00:01:09,662 --> 00:01:11,832
("Flight" from Psycho soundtrack
playing)
26
00:01:12,957 --> 00:01:16,457
♪ The Simpsons 23x03 ♪
Treehouse of Horrors XXII
Original Air Date on October 30, 2011
27
00:01:17,140 --> 00:01:18,407
(tires screech)
28
00:01:18,432 --> 00:01:21,932
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
29
00:01:25,683 --> 00:01:26,883
(tires screech)
30
00:01:30,289 --> 00:01:32,658
♪ I've got candy,
skip to my Lou ♪
31
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,860
♪ My insulin will spike,
that's what it's gonna do ♪
32
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,230
♪ I'm gonna buy me
some diabetic shoes ♪
33
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,599
♪ Skip to my Lou my... ♪
34
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:39,700
(screams)
35
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,068
(grunting)
36
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,069
What the...?!
37
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:43,970
(grunting)
38
00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:48,109
D'oh!
39
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,643
Hello, 911?
40
00:01:49,711 --> 00:01:51,945
I need a helicopter rescue
and some cold milk.
41
00:01:52,013 --> 00:01:53,046
DISPATCHER:
Copy that, sir.
44
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:02,589
The only sane thing to do
is chew off my arm.
45
00:02:04,893 --> 00:02:07,194
Ow! Ow!
46
00:02:07,262 --> 00:02:10,031
I'm not gonna swallow, 'cause
I want to save room for candy.
47
00:02:10,099 --> 00:02:11,901
(chewing noisily)
48
00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:13,836
Oops.
49
00:02:13,903 --> 00:02:15,371
(chewing noisily)
50
00:02:15,438 --> 00:02:16,739
D'oh!
51
00:02:16,806 --> 00:02:17,874
(chewing noisily)
52
00:02:17,941 --> 00:02:19,108
Mm!
53
00:02:19,176 --> 00:02:20,710
I'm really getting
the hang of this.
54
00:02:20,778 --> 00:02:21,945
(chewing noisily)
55
00:02:22,013 --> 00:02:23,480
(sighs)
56
00:02:23,549 --> 00:02:25,616
All worth it for candy.
57
00:02:26,885 --> 00:02:28,920
(gasps)
58
00:02:28,988 --> 00:02:32,291
No...!
59
00:02:32,359 --> 00:02:33,259
(scream echoes in distance)
60
00:02:33,326 --> 00:02:34,594
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
61
00:02:34,661 --> 00:02:36,362
("Flight" from Psycho soundtrack
playing)
62
00:02:48,150 --> 00:02:50,151
( music )
63
00:02:50,222 --> 00:02:52,689
Dad? Dad?
64
00:02:52,757 --> 00:02:53,724
(gasps)
65
00:02:53,791 --> 00:02:54,724
He opened his eyes!
66
00:02:54,792 --> 00:02:55,959
Mom!
67
00:02:56,027 --> 00:02:57,894
HOMER:
Okay, I'm on the floor.
68
00:02:57,962 --> 00:02:59,996
I can't move.
69
00:03:00,063 --> 00:03:01,798
So far, a normal
Sunday morning.
70
00:03:01,866 --> 00:03:04,434
Homie, you're
paralyzed.
71
00:03:04,501 --> 00:03:07,370
But we love you and
will never give up hope.
72
00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:09,372
Can his funeral be
on a school day?
73
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,473
(groans)
74
00:03:10,541 --> 00:03:11,841
HOMER:
This is so horrible.
75
00:03:11,909 --> 00:03:14,511
I can't speak!
76
00:03:14,578 --> 00:03:16,012
(sobs)
77
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,548
How did this happen?
78
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:19,483
Last thing I remember,
79
00:03:19,551 --> 00:03:23,053
I was decorating the house
for Halloween.
80
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:26,589
Ah, Halloween.
81
00:03:26,657 --> 00:03:28,959
The one time of year
when the squalor of our home
82
00:03:29,026 --> 00:03:30,226
works to our advantage.
83
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,795
(chuckles)
84
00:03:31,862 --> 00:03:33,697
(humming)
85
00:03:38,903 --> 00:03:41,003
Where's that spider? Ah.
86
00:03:41,071 --> 00:03:42,906
(laughs)
87
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,007
Squeeze, squeeze!
88
00:03:44,075 --> 00:03:44,941
(laughs)
89
00:03:45,009 --> 00:03:46,442
Squeeze, squeeze!
90
00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:49,112
A real spider would get so mad
if I did this.
91
00:03:49,179 --> 00:03:50,713
I wonder if this thing
has batteries.
92
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,083
(screams)
93
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,184
It's alive?!
94
00:03:54,252 --> 00:03:55,185
(hisses)
95
00:03:55,253 --> 00:03:56,453
Ow!
96
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,354
(grunting)
97
00:04:03,027 --> 00:04:05,895
Hmm. Well, at least
I still look good.
98
00:04:05,963 --> 00:04:08,798
Okay, handsome, that's
enough primping.
99
00:04:08,866 --> 00:04:11,101
Just because you've
had a little setback
100
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,669
doesn't mean you can't
look your best.
101
00:04:12,737 --> 00:04:14,304
Oh, Marge.
102
00:04:14,372 --> 00:04:18,408
This is the purest love there
is: patient, supportive...
103
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,442
Ooh, cleavage.
104
00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:21,345
(drooling sigh)
105
00:04:22,947 --> 00:04:24,381
Dad, I'm going to entertain you
106
00:04:24,449 --> 00:04:26,350
with the help of
The Brothers Karamazov.
107
00:04:28,153 --> 00:04:31,455
"Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov
was the third son
108
00:04:31,523 --> 00:04:33,624
"of Fyodor Pavlovitch
Karamazov,
109
00:04:33,692 --> 00:04:37,094
"a landowner well known
in our district in his own day,
110
00:04:37,162 --> 00:04:38,896
and still remembered
among us..."
111
00:04:38,964 --> 00:04:40,398
Oh, my God.
112
00:04:40,465 --> 00:04:42,032
She's still on
the first sentence!
113
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,968
Must make her stop.
114
00:04:44,036 --> 00:04:46,304
How to express my...
115
00:04:46,372 --> 00:04:47,405
(farts)
116
00:04:47,473 --> 00:04:49,307
Dad! Ew.
117
00:04:49,375 --> 00:04:51,676
Anyway, continuing.
118
00:04:51,744 --> 00:04:53,411
"For the present,
I will only say
119
00:04:53,479 --> 00:04:55,280
that this 'landowner'--
for so we..."
120
00:04:55,347 --> 00:04:56,781
(farts)
121
00:04:56,849 --> 00:04:58,850
Ew! Dad!
122
00:04:58,918 --> 00:05:00,785
(gasps)
Wait a minute.
123
00:05:00,853 --> 00:05:02,887
Can you pass gas at will?
124
00:05:02,955 --> 00:05:04,823
Fart once for no, twice for yes.
125
00:05:04,891 --> 00:05:06,425
(farts twice)
126
00:05:06,492 --> 00:05:07,993
Oh, my God!
127
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:10,295
Do you realize what this means?
128
00:05:10,363 --> 00:05:13,332
(confused fart)
129
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,734
Well, it means
that you can communicate.
130
00:05:15,802 --> 00:05:17,736
(farts)
131
00:05:17,804 --> 00:05:19,171
Exactly.
132
00:05:19,239 --> 00:05:20,740
(chuckles)
133
00:05:20,807 --> 00:05:23,609
I'll recite the alphabet,
and you tell me when to stop.
134
00:05:23,677 --> 00:05:25,077
A, B, C, D...
135
00:05:25,145 --> 00:05:25,912
(farts)
136
00:05:25,979 --> 00:05:28,115
Okay, first letter: D.
137
00:05:28,182 --> 00:05:29,116
Next letter.
138
00:05:29,184 --> 00:05:30,484
A, B, C, D, E...
139
00:05:30,552 --> 00:05:31,485
(farts)
140
00:05:31,553 --> 00:05:33,120
"D, E."
141
00:05:33,188 --> 00:05:34,288
Amazing!
142
00:05:34,356 --> 00:05:35,789
Oh, but before we continue.
143
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:38,592
(breathes deeply)
144
00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:40,528
Okay.
145
00:05:40,595 --> 00:05:41,595
A...
(farts)
146
00:05:41,663 --> 00:05:43,431
"D, E, A."
147
00:05:43,498 --> 00:05:45,833
LISA:
"Dearest Marge, though my body
148
00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:47,168
"cannot move,
my heart still beats
149
00:05:47,235 --> 00:05:48,402
"and my brain still brains.
150
00:05:48,470 --> 00:05:49,437
(farts)
151
00:05:49,504 --> 00:05:50,838
"I miss holding you in my arms
152
00:05:50,906 --> 00:05:53,173
"more than my butt can say.
153
00:05:53,241 --> 00:05:55,008
(farts)
154
00:05:55,076 --> 00:05:56,743
"Perhaps someday
there will be a cure.
155
00:05:56,811 --> 00:05:58,278
"Although if it requires
(farts)
156
00:05:58,346 --> 00:06:01,147
"months of difficult
physical therapy, I'll pass.
157
00:06:01,215 --> 00:06:02,849
"You are the
shining light
158
00:06:02,916 --> 00:06:04,684
"that gets me through
my darkest hours.
159
00:06:04,751 --> 00:06:08,153
"For further communication,
I will require more beans.
160
00:06:08,221 --> 00:06:09,387
I love you."
161
00:06:09,455 --> 00:06:11,489
Oh, Homie.
162
00:06:11,557 --> 00:06:12,456
(quiet fart)
163
00:06:12,524 --> 00:06:13,524
Shh-shh-shh.
164
00:06:13,592 --> 00:06:16,193
Don't say a word.
165
00:06:17,662 --> 00:06:19,829
HOMER:
I guess my life isn't so bad.
166
00:06:19,897 --> 00:06:21,131
With the help
of my loving family,
167
00:06:21,198 --> 00:06:22,532
I even published my first book.
168
00:06:24,836 --> 00:06:26,670
And I've finally reached
a state of serenity and...
169
00:06:26,737 --> 00:06:27,938
(screams)
170
00:06:28,005 --> 00:06:30,474
Another spider!
171
00:06:30,541 --> 00:06:32,342
(frightened whimpering)
172
00:06:35,613 --> 00:06:37,214
What's this bite gonna do?
173
00:06:37,282 --> 00:06:38,315
(gasps)
174
00:06:38,383 --> 00:06:40,385
My wrists are tingling.
175
00:06:40,452 --> 00:06:42,954
I feel new powers
surging within me!
176
00:06:48,328 --> 00:06:50,596
(alarm ringing)
177
00:06:50,663 --> 00:06:51,930
(all grunt)
178
00:06:51,998 --> 00:06:53,299
He's got
the proportionate strength
179
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:54,867
of a paralyzed spider!
180
00:06:56,537 --> 00:06:59,940
Forget paying for my kid's
operation-- I'm out of here!
181
00:07:00,008 --> 00:07:01,708
(farts)
182
00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:05,579
They say no two ass-webs
are the same.
183
00:07:05,646 --> 00:07:07,347
Beautiful in its way.
184
00:07:09,116 --> 00:07:12,351
Want to go home
and celebrate?
185
00:07:12,419 --> 00:07:14,320
(farts)
186
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:16,355
Whoo!
187
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,029
I wish I could
move like him.
188
00:07:31,211 --> 00:07:33,478
FLANDERS:
Springfield, my hometown.
189
00:07:33,546 --> 00:07:34,746
Pretty little place.
190
00:07:34,814 --> 00:07:37,015
Although, even
the Garden of Eden
191
00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:39,951
could use a nice cleansing rain
now and then.
192
00:07:40,019 --> 00:07:40,952
(laughter)
193
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,187
My money's on the kid.
194
00:07:42,255 --> 00:07:44,089
(machine churning)
195
00:07:46,159 --> 00:07:46,825
(tires screech)
196
00:07:46,893 --> 00:07:48,327
Hey, whiskers.
197
00:07:48,395 --> 00:07:49,729
Want to party?
198
00:07:49,796 --> 00:07:52,364
Spend less time on your back
and more time on your knees.
199
00:07:52,432 --> 00:07:53,532
Hmm?
200
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,069
Have I lost
my back-alley beauty?
201
00:07:57,137 --> 00:08:00,606
Well, those who can't do, teach.
202
00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:06,412
FLANDERS:
No more distractions.
203
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,813
I have work to do.
204
00:08:07,881 --> 00:08:10,617
(Dexter theme music playing)
205
00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:40,044
(truck beeping)
206
00:08:49,688 --> 00:08:50,922
(groans)
207
00:08:52,592 --> 00:08:55,093
All these years,
I thought murder was a sin.
208
00:08:55,161 --> 00:08:57,429
Then I got new instructions
from the good Lord Himself
209
00:08:57,497 --> 00:08:59,699
in his favorite language--
English.
210
00:08:59,766 --> 00:09:01,186
VOICE OF GOD:
Slay Montgomery Burns
211
00:09:01,211 --> 00:09:03,266
and pee in his ashes!
212
00:09:03,370 --> 00:09:04,904
Are you sure, Lord?
213
00:09:04,972 --> 00:09:07,573
If you're having trouble
with the second part,
214
00:09:07,641 --> 00:09:09,341
drink a lot of water.
215
00:09:09,409 --> 00:09:11,377
Now I've got to go.
216
00:09:11,444 --> 00:09:14,880
A hip-hop star
is thanking me at the VMAs.
217
00:09:16,449 --> 00:09:17,916
(gasps)
218
00:09:25,057 --> 00:09:27,058
FLANDERS:
And so white-bread Ned
219
00:09:27,126 --> 00:09:29,260
became the avenging sword
of the Lord.
220
00:09:40,839 --> 00:09:42,841
Peter, Andrew, James
the Greater, James the Lesser,
221
00:09:42,908 --> 00:09:44,108
John, Philip, Thaddeus.
222
00:09:46,279 --> 00:09:48,113
Heavenly Father, I...
223
00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:49,548
VOICE OF GOD:
Quiet, you!
224
00:09:49,615 --> 00:09:52,284
Your next divine
whack job is a twofer.
225
00:09:52,351 --> 00:09:56,154
I command you to kill
Patty and Selma Bouvier.
226
00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:57,589
Patty and Selma?
227
00:09:57,657 --> 00:10:00,325
Sure they smoke, and they don't
shave much of anything,
228
00:10:00,393 --> 00:10:02,160
but do they deserve to die?
229
00:10:02,228 --> 00:10:05,796
Do not question me,
the star of the Bible.
230
00:10:05,864 --> 00:10:08,900
Now, on a non-murder-
related note,
231
00:10:08,968 --> 00:10:11,302
I want you to find out
232
00:10:11,370 --> 00:10:14,605
what's making that funny noise
in Homer Simpson's car.
233
00:10:14,673 --> 00:10:16,474
It's, uh, it's, you know,
234
00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:18,509
it's like a
chigga-chigga-chigga-chigga.
235
00:10:18,577 --> 00:10:20,912
But you only hear it
when you're driving over 30.
236
00:10:20,979 --> 00:10:23,682
And you never hear it
when you take it to the shop.
237
00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:26,585
Then it sounds perfect.
238
00:10:26,653 --> 00:10:28,354
Yes, Lord!
239
00:10:28,422 --> 00:10:30,389
Homer, have you noticed
how many of your enemies
240
00:10:30,457 --> 00:10:31,891
have died lately?
241
00:10:31,959 --> 00:10:34,026
Mr. Burns, Sideshow Bob...
242
00:10:34,094 --> 00:10:35,595
You forgot Patty and Selma.
243
00:10:35,662 --> 00:10:37,597
Oh, wait.
That hasn't happened yet.
244
00:10:37,665 --> 00:10:39,600
Patty and Selma?
245
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,602
Who's next,
Ned Flanders?
246
00:10:41,670 --> 00:10:43,471
Now, how would that work?
247
00:10:43,539 --> 00:10:44,372
Huh?
248
00:10:45,908 --> 00:10:47,175
(tires screech)
249
00:10:51,013 --> 00:10:52,046
(descending whistle)
250
00:10:56,285 --> 00:10:57,318
(laughs)
251
00:10:58,787 --> 00:11:00,721
Okay, stupid Flanders,
252
00:11:00,789 --> 00:11:04,425
first I want you to kill
that guy at the ice cream parlor
253
00:11:04,492 --> 00:11:07,595
who gave Homer Simpson a cone
that had a little air in it.
254
00:11:07,662 --> 00:11:09,029
FLANDERS (sighs):
Really?
255
00:11:09,097 --> 00:11:10,931
Come on!
God does crazy things!
256
00:11:10,999 --> 00:11:12,499
Check your Old Testament.
Hey, Dad.
257
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:15,435
Hey Bart...
Uh, I mean, Jesus.
258
00:11:15,503 --> 00:11:18,038
Hey son, you want Flanders to
kill anybody?
259
00:11:18,105 --> 00:11:19,372
He's totally in my power.
260
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,141
Well, there's a tall boy
in front of me
261
00:11:21,208 --> 00:11:22,342
in class so I can't see
the board.
262
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:24,377
And I sayeth unto you,
263
00:11:24,445 --> 00:11:26,947
slay every tall boy in town!
264
00:11:27,014 --> 00:11:28,148
Yeah!
Yeah!
265
00:11:28,216 --> 00:11:30,083
Homer Simpson!
(shrieks)
266
00:11:30,150 --> 00:11:31,951
You made a killer out of me!
267
00:11:32,019 --> 00:11:34,254
Yeah, and what are you gonna do
about it?
268
00:11:34,322 --> 00:11:37,190
I'm going to kill you!
(shrieks)
269
00:11:37,258 --> 00:11:40,126
- Because of you, I'm going to Hell!
- Language.
270
00:11:40,194 --> 00:11:42,262
Hell!
Damn! Backside!
271
00:11:42,329 --> 00:11:43,696
Nothing matters anymore!
272
00:11:43,764 --> 00:11:46,699
I'm goin' down and my
hand-basket seats two!
273
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:48,967
(scoffs)
Wake up, Flanders!
274
00:11:49,035 --> 00:11:51,937
There is no Hell,
and there is no God.
275
00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:54,372
If there were, would
He let me do this?
276
00:11:57,709 --> 00:11:59,510
(gasping and wailing)
277
00:11:59,578 --> 00:12:01,245
GOD:
Why you little...
278
00:12:01,313 --> 00:12:04,647
(choking)
279
00:12:04,715 --> 00:12:05,648
(gasps)
280
00:12:05,716 --> 00:12:07,584
What happened?!
281
00:12:07,651 --> 00:12:10,219
Uh... Flanders killed Homer.
282
00:12:10,287 --> 00:12:11,220
But, but...
283
00:12:11,288 --> 00:12:13,155
But you're God.
284
00:12:13,223 --> 00:12:15,324
Couldn't you make everything
the way it was?
285
00:12:15,392 --> 00:12:17,392
Well, I could.
286
00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:20,262
But the big man downstairs
wouldn't like it.
287
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:21,564
(murmurs)
288
00:12:22,799 --> 00:12:24,767
Get me a coffee!
289
00:12:24,835 --> 00:12:26,269
Yes, sir.
290
00:12:30,974 --> 00:12:32,575
Could this get any worse?
291
00:12:34,578 --> 00:12:36,612
Honey, come back to bed.
292
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,346
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
293
00:12:47,895 --> 00:12:49,663
(indistinct voices)
294
00:12:49,731 --> 00:12:51,265
People, you are on the most
295
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:53,901
inhospitable planet
in the galaxy.
296
00:12:53,969 --> 00:12:55,603
Extreme temperatures...
297
00:12:55,671 --> 00:12:57,672
vicious indigenous life forms...
298
00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:00,175
Are there any questions? Yes?
299
00:13:00,243 --> 00:13:02,811
Are we in Kansas anymore?
No.
300
00:13:02,879 --> 00:13:04,446
Well, are we in Nebraska?
301
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:06,715
No!
We are not in any state!
302
00:13:06,783 --> 00:13:08,684
Oh, oh, is it Michigan?
303
00:13:08,751 --> 00:13:10,819
Nobody talk anymore!
304
00:13:10,887 --> 00:13:13,888
You will now direct your
attention to our C.E.O.,
305
00:13:13,956 --> 00:13:15,356
Mr. Krusty the clown.
306
00:13:15,424 --> 00:13:18,693
We are here on this fakakta
planet for one reason:
307
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,460
Hilarium.
308
00:13:20,528 --> 00:13:23,496
Spray this in an audience and
they'll laugh at anything.
309
00:13:23,564 --> 00:13:24,864
And I need some now.
310
00:13:24,932 --> 00:13:27,100
Gotta play a Nazi party rally.
311
00:13:27,168 --> 00:13:29,269
Oh, yeah, they're back.
312
00:13:29,337 --> 00:13:33,040
Our spies will go planet-side,
locate said Hilarium
313
00:13:33,108 --> 00:13:35,810
and contact us so that we may
begin extraction.
314
00:13:35,877 --> 00:13:39,314
This is a delicate mission that
requires utter loyalty.
315
00:13:39,382 --> 00:13:41,183
I can think of no better
candidate
316
00:13:41,251 --> 00:13:44,287
than the resentful guy in the
wheelchair who has just arrived.
317
00:13:47,024 --> 00:13:50,125
Yes, I think this is gonna work
out just fine.
318
00:13:52,829 --> 00:13:54,797
All strapped in?
319
00:13:54,865 --> 00:13:56,132
Yep.
320
00:13:57,968 --> 00:14:01,536
Now prepare to take an
incredible journey across the room!
321
00:14:01,604 --> 00:14:04,071
(whooshing)
322
00:14:05,607 --> 00:14:07,007
Yo.
323
00:14:13,949 --> 00:14:17,419
Whoa!
Check out this bitchin' bod!
324
00:14:17,487 --> 00:14:19,789
Oh, man, if I could just have
325
00:14:19,857 --> 00:14:21,992
five minutes alone with my
old bullies...
326
00:14:22,059 --> 00:14:23,393
Hey, avaturd.
327
00:14:23,461 --> 00:14:24,594
Are you guys gonna beat me up?
328
00:14:24,662 --> 00:14:25,796
Naw, we can't.
329
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:28,299
These avatars cost
$80 billion each.
330
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,135
But your human body costs
nothing.
331
00:14:32,470 --> 00:14:33,838
(grunting and groaning)
332
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:35,773
(skunk chittering)
333
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,845
(chuckling)
334
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,515
(pained groaning)
335
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:45,852
(moaning)
336
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:50,023
Come on, let's bond,
you stupid jerk.
337
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,894
That's a Japanese outlet, Bart.
You need an adapter.
338
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:57,397
(groaning, zapping)
339
00:14:57,465 --> 00:14:59,232
Oh, maybe I'll just take a taxi.
340
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,534
Where you go?
Where you go?
341
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:01,835
No meter, is cheaper, yeah?
342
00:15:01,903 --> 00:15:03,036
No, thanks.
343
00:15:03,104 --> 00:15:05,338
Suit yourself, you
one-eyed bastard.
344
00:15:05,406 --> 00:15:07,073
(grunts)
345
00:15:07,141 --> 00:15:09,309
Aw, the only thing that looks
good on this stupid planet
346
00:15:09,377 --> 00:15:10,243
are the bananas.
347
00:15:12,613 --> 00:15:13,580
Hmm?!
348
00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:15,716
Ay, caramba!
349
00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:19,686
(battle cry)
350
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:28,728
Thanks, dude.
351
00:15:28,796 --> 00:15:30,463
I am a female!
352
00:15:30,531 --> 00:15:31,998
You don't have to yell!
353
00:15:32,066 --> 00:15:35,135
I am not yelling!
This is my seductive voice!
354
00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:38,505
I am called Kamala.
355
00:15:38,572 --> 00:15:42,776
Oh! Even when we're monsters,
he gets the girl. (grunts)
356
00:15:42,844 --> 00:15:45,912
Fool! Every part of
this world is alive!
357
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:48,448
Apologize to sister rock!
358
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,750
Sorry, sister rock.
359
00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:54,053
Now you've murdered our
brothers, the flowers!
360
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,088
Stupid! Stupid!
361
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,356
Now you're having
sex with Uncle Tree!
362
00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,958
(groans)
363
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:01,959
Thank the Almighty
Fungus you are wiser
364
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,861
and cuter than your friend.
365
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:06,697
Hey, what gives, man?
366
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:09,834
And now let us touch
testicles and mate for life.
367
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:11,502
Don't you mean tentacles?
368
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,103
I know what I said!
369
00:16:13,171 --> 00:16:14,972
Ay, caramba!
370
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,208
(zapping)
371
00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:22,247
Today you are a man.
Mazel Tov!
372
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,322
So... was it okay?
373
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:31,124
It was serviceable!
374
00:16:31,192 --> 00:16:34,894
Ah, man, back on Earth we
don't have so many moons.
375
00:16:34,962 --> 00:16:38,098
What do you mean,
"back on Earth"?
376
00:16:38,166 --> 00:16:43,137
Uh... it's a place on the other
side of this planet that's...
377
00:16:43,205 --> 00:16:45,740
very rainy so you can only see
one moon.
378
00:16:45,808 --> 00:16:47,141
You know, like Portland.
379
00:16:47,209 --> 00:16:49,210
I never hear of
this Port-land.
380
00:16:49,278 --> 00:16:53,714
But on Rigel Seven, lack of eye
contact and too many details
381
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:55,882
indicate the
telling of truth.
382
00:16:55,950 --> 00:16:59,552
I love you, sugar-slime.
383
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,754
(smooching)
384
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,522
Man, you are full
of surprises.
385
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,491
(squawking)
386
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:08,861
I can't believe I'm getting
combat pay for this.
387
00:17:08,929 --> 00:17:12,532
Well done, young man!
Our daughter is with child.
388
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:13,766
Here.
389
00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:16,803
Feel the wonder of
one million fetuses!
390
00:17:16,871 --> 00:17:19,974
(grunts) You said you
were using birth control!
391
00:17:20,041 --> 00:17:23,310
That only keeps me from giving
birth while we are having sex.
392
00:17:23,378 --> 00:17:24,345
(moans)
393
00:17:24,413 --> 00:17:27,014
How do those mountains float?
394
00:17:27,082 --> 00:17:29,383
They don't.
They are falling.
395
00:17:29,451 --> 00:17:33,187
Now that Kamala has
a slug in the oven,
396
00:17:33,255 --> 00:17:37,257
we must make sure she gets
her daily dose of Hilarium.
397
00:17:37,325 --> 00:17:41,527
Without it, her crankiness will
become unbearable.
398
00:17:41,595 --> 00:17:45,264
Unfortunately our environment is
too hostile to grow pickles.
399
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:48,901
And the only flavor ice cream
we have is butter brickle.
400
00:17:48,969 --> 00:17:51,871
To repeat: no pickles,
butter brickle.
401
00:17:51,939 --> 00:17:54,373
It is the Rigelian way.
402
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,443
So, where can I load up on this
Hilarium?
403
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,612
Listen closely.
404
00:17:58,679 --> 00:18:03,083
The Hilarium is found in the
sacred secretions of the queen!
405
00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:10,824
(dialing phone)
406
00:18:10,891 --> 00:18:12,492
We have located the Hilarium.
407
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,927
Lock in on my signal.
408
00:18:14,995 --> 00:18:18,764
Traitor! How dare you betray
the planet I got laid on?!
409
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:24,668
They're all in one place.
Let's fry these calamari
410
00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:27,237
and dip 'em in a sauce made
of their own blood!
411
00:18:27,305 --> 00:18:29,740
And wine from
their own grapes.
412
00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:30,807
That's not so bad.
413
00:18:30,875 --> 00:18:32,242
It's a little bad.
414
00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:41,952
So Kamala, where do we keep all
our tanks and planes and stuff?
415
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:45,622
We have no tanks.
Our planet will protect us.
416
00:18:45,690 --> 00:18:47,758
Oh, man, you sound like my
art teacher.
417
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,226
Look a little like her, too.
418
00:18:49,293 --> 00:18:51,628
(snarling)
419
00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:54,731
(bellowing)
420
00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,406
(shouting)
421
00:19:04,474 --> 00:19:05,207
(growling)
422
00:19:08,244 --> 00:19:09,611
(squawking)
423
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:13,649
(yelling)
424
00:19:20,156 --> 00:19:22,091
(hooting)
425
00:19:22,158 --> 00:19:24,894
(battle cry)
426
00:19:24,961 --> 00:19:27,196
I guess this is a good time
427
00:19:27,264 --> 00:19:29,665
to tell you I've been a double
agent all this time.
428
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,500
But now I am
totally on your side.
429
00:19:31,568 --> 00:19:35,070
And this is a good time to tell
you I have space warts.
430
00:19:35,137 --> 00:19:37,006
And I got them from
Milhouse.
431
00:19:37,073 --> 00:19:37,940
(gasps)
432
00:19:42,678 --> 00:19:45,714
Time for a good old-fashioned
433
00:19:45,782 --> 00:19:48,717
servo-suit/bulldozer-saurus
fight!
434
00:19:52,689 --> 00:19:54,456
(grunting)
435
00:19:56,459 --> 00:19:58,193
(growling)
436
00:19:58,261 --> 00:19:59,761
Dammit!
437
00:19:59,829 --> 00:20:02,231
Yo, Colonel! Uh, you've got
some schmutz on your cheek.
438
00:20:02,298 --> 00:20:04,566
Where?...
Here?
439
00:20:04,634 --> 00:20:06,869
Skinner...!
440
00:20:09,806 --> 00:20:11,941
Had they asked
for the Hilarium,
441
00:20:12,008 --> 00:20:14,310
we would simply have
given it to them.
442
00:20:14,377 --> 00:20:18,013
In Rigelian there is no word
for "yours" or "mine."
443
00:20:18,081 --> 00:20:21,750
That's the reason we didn't enjoy
the movie Yours, Mine and Ours.
444
00:20:21,817 --> 00:20:24,285
(somber music plays)
445
00:20:26,488 --> 00:20:28,956
Halloween is over,
which means, America,
446
00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:31,125
it's time to start your
Christmas shopping.
447
00:20:31,193 --> 00:20:34,996
Infuse our stagnant economy with
dollars you don't really have.
448
00:20:35,063 --> 00:20:39,099
And whatever you do, avoid the
urge to make homemade gifts.
449
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:44,304
Knitting one sweater for someone
costs 27 Americans their jobs.
450
00:20:44,371 --> 00:20:45,938
And don't forget, Christmas
451
00:20:46,006 --> 00:20:48,508
is a wonderful time to
take up alcoholism.
452
00:20:48,575 --> 00:20:51,110
Come on, you see your
family all year round.
453
00:20:51,178 --> 00:20:54,080
The holidays are for
your bartender. (laughs)
454
00:20:54,148 --> 00:20:56,717
("Carol of the Bells" plays)
455
00:21:01,256 --> 00:21:03,592
(music stops) When are we doing
the Black Swan?
456
00:21:03,659 --> 00:21:05,961
(moans)
457
00:21:06,029 --> 00:21:07,963
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
458
00:21:51,974 --> 00:21:53,742
(scream)
459
00:21:53,809 --> 00:21:55,643
(spooky organ music plays)