1
00:00:02,422 --> 00:00:03,957
(owl hooting)
2
00:00:05,169 --> 00:00:06,664
(laughs)
3
00:00:06,665 --> 00:00:08,135
Massive haul
this year.
4
00:00:12,506 --> 00:00:15,047
To candy!
5
00:00:16,496 --> 00:00:18,832
(burps)
6
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:23,208
Fee-fi-fo-fum, give me
all your candy and gum!
7
00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:25,210
Who are you
and why do you want our candy?
8
00:00:25,278 --> 00:00:27,112
Your mother is
the switch witch--
9
00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:28,981
a sort of tooth
fairy dealie.
10
00:00:29,048 --> 00:00:32,283
I take your sugary sweets
and I give you healthy items.
11
00:00:32,351 --> 00:00:36,186
Plain brown toothbrushes,
unflavored dental floss
12
00:00:36,254 --> 00:00:40,156
and fun-sized mouthwashes--
TSA approved.
13
00:00:40,224 --> 00:00:42,357
This is exactly why
kids need a union.
14
00:00:42,425 --> 00:00:44,226
(Bart and Lisa grumbling)
15
00:00:45,662 --> 00:00:47,264
(humming)
16
00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,233
Now remember, Homie,
that candy goes to...
17
00:00:49,301 --> 00:00:51,636
Our fighting
men and women overseas.
18
00:00:51,704 --> 00:00:54,906
It's our way of letting them
know we're having fun back here.
19
00:00:54,974 --> 00:00:58,179
No sneaking off and eating
that candy yourself.
20
00:00:58,247 --> 00:01:00,315
Marge, you know
I'd never do that.
21
00:01:00,383 --> 00:01:03,186
I'm too scared
of the evil switch witch.
22
00:01:03,253 --> 00:01:05,322
The switch witch is me.
23
00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:08,593
You know, on some level,
I've always known.
24
00:01:08,661 --> 00:01:10,194
(car door closes, tires screech)
25
00:01:10,262 --> 00:01:12,432
("Flight" from Psycho soundtrack
playing)
26
00:01:13,557 --> 00:01:17,057
♪ The Simpsons 23x03 ♪
Treehouse of Horrors XXII
Original Air Date on October 30, 2011
27
00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:19,007
(tires screech)
28
00:01:19,032 --> 00:01:22,532
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
29
00:01:25,983 --> 00:01:27,183
(tires screech)
30
00:01:30,589 --> 00:01:32,958
♪ I've got candy,
skip to my Lou ♪
31
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:35,160
♪ My insulin will spike,
that's what it's gonna do ♪
32
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:37,530
♪ I'm gonna buy me
some diabetic shoes ♪
33
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,899
♪ Skip to my Lou my... ♪
34
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,000
(screams)
35
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,368
(grunting)
36
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,369
What the...?!
37
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,270
(grunting)
38
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,409
D'oh!
39
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:49,943
Hello, 911?
40
00:01:50,011 --> 00:01:52,245
I need a helicopter rescue
and some cold milk.
41
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,346
DISPATCHER:
Copy that, sir.
44
00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:02,889
The only sane thing to do
is chew off my arm.
45
00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:07,494
Ow! Ow!
46
00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:10,331
I'm not gonna swallow, 'cause
I want to save room for candy.
47
00:02:10,399 --> 00:02:12,201
(chewing noisily)
48
00:02:12,268 --> 00:02:14,136
Oops.
49
00:02:14,203 --> 00:02:15,671
(chewing noisily)
50
00:02:15,738 --> 00:02:17,039
D'oh!
51
00:02:17,106 --> 00:02:18,174
(chewing noisily)
52
00:02:18,241 --> 00:02:19,408
Mm!
53
00:02:19,476 --> 00:02:21,010
I'm really getting
the hang of this.
54
00:02:21,078 --> 00:02:22,245
(chewing noisily)
55
00:02:22,313 --> 00:02:23,780
(sighs)
56
00:02:23,849 --> 00:02:25,916
All worth it for candy.
57
00:02:27,185 --> 00:02:29,220
(gasps)
58
00:02:29,288 --> 00:02:32,591
No...!
59
00:02:32,659 --> 00:02:33,559
(scream echoes in distance)
60
00:02:33,626 --> 00:02:34,894
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
61
00:02:34,961 --> 00:02:36,662
("Flight" from Psycho soundtrack
playing)
62
00:02:48,450 --> 00:02:50,451
( music )
63
00:02:50,522 --> 00:02:52,989
Dad? Dad?
64
00:02:53,057 --> 00:02:54,024
(gasps)
65
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:55,024
He opened his eyes!
66
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,259
Mom!
67
00:02:56,327 --> 00:02:58,194
HOMER:
Okay, I'm on the floor.
68
00:02:58,262 --> 00:03:00,296
I can't move.
69
00:03:00,363 --> 00:03:02,098
So far, a normal
Sunday morning.
70
00:03:02,166 --> 00:03:04,734
Homie, you're
paralyzed.
71
00:03:04,801 --> 00:03:07,670
But we love you and
will never give up hope.
72
00:03:07,738 --> 00:03:09,672
Can his funeral be
on a school day?
73
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:10,773
(groans)
74
00:03:10,841 --> 00:03:12,141
HOMER:
This is so horrible.
75
00:03:12,209 --> 00:03:14,811
I can't speak!
76
00:03:14,878 --> 00:03:16,312
(sobs)
77
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:17,848
How did this happen?
78
00:03:17,915 --> 00:03:19,783
Last thing I remember,
79
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:23,353
I was decorating the house
for Halloween.
80
00:03:25,156 --> 00:03:26,889
Ah, Halloween.
81
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:29,259
The one time of year
when the squalor of our home
82
00:03:29,326 --> 00:03:30,526
works to our advantage.
83
00:03:30,594 --> 00:03:32,095
(chuckles)
84
00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:33,997
(humming)
85
00:03:39,203 --> 00:03:41,303
Where's that spider? Ah.
86
00:03:41,371 --> 00:03:43,206
(laughs)
87
00:03:43,273 --> 00:03:44,307
Squeeze, squeeze!
88
00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:45,241
(laughs)
89
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,742
Squeeze, squeeze!
90
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:49,412
A real spider would get so mad
if I did this.
91
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,013
I wonder if this thing
has batteries.
92
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:53,383
(screams)
93
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:54,484
It's alive?!
94
00:03:54,552 --> 00:03:55,485
(hisses)
95
00:03:55,553 --> 00:03:56,753
Ow!
96
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,654
(grunting)
97
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:06,195
Hmm. Well, at least
I still look good.
98
00:04:06,263 --> 00:04:09,098
Okay, handsome, that's
enough primping.
99
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:11,401
Just because you've
had a little setback
100
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:12,969
doesn't mean you can't
look your best.
101
00:04:13,037 --> 00:04:14,604
Oh, Marge.
102
00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:18,708
This is the purest love there
is: patient, supportive...
103
00:04:18,775 --> 00:04:19,742
Ooh, cleavage.
104
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:21,645
(drooling sigh)
105
00:04:23,247 --> 00:04:24,681
Dad, I'm going to entertain you
106
00:04:24,749 --> 00:04:26,650
with the help of
The Brothers Karamazov.
107
00:04:28,453 --> 00:04:31,755
"Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov
was the third son
108
00:04:31,823 --> 00:04:33,924
"of Fyodor Pavlovitch
Karamazov,
109
00:04:33,992 --> 00:04:37,394
"a landowner well known
in our district in his own day,
110
00:04:37,462 --> 00:04:39,196
and still remembered
among us..."
111
00:04:39,264 --> 00:04:40,698
Oh, my God.
112
00:04:40,765 --> 00:04:42,332
She's still on
the first sentence!
113
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,268
Must make her stop.
114
00:04:44,336 --> 00:04:46,604
How to express my...
115
00:04:46,672 --> 00:04:47,705
(farts)
116
00:04:47,773 --> 00:04:49,607
Dad! Ew.
117
00:04:49,675 --> 00:04:51,976
Anyway, continuing.
118
00:04:52,044 --> 00:04:53,711
"For the present,
I will only say
119
00:04:53,779 --> 00:04:55,580
that this 'landowner'--
for so we..."
120
00:04:55,647 --> 00:04:57,081
(farts)
121
00:04:57,149 --> 00:04:59,150
Ew! Dad!
122
00:04:59,218 --> 00:05:01,085
(gasps)
Wait a minute.
123
00:05:01,153 --> 00:05:03,187
Can you pass gas at will?
124
00:05:03,255 --> 00:05:05,123
Fart once for no, twice for yes.
125
00:05:05,191 --> 00:05:06,725
(farts twice)
126
00:05:06,792 --> 00:05:08,293
Oh, my God!
127
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,595
Do you realize what this means?
128
00:05:10,663 --> 00:05:13,632
(confused fart)
129
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:16,034
Well, it means
that you can communicate.
130
00:05:16,102 --> 00:05:18,036
(farts)
131
00:05:18,104 --> 00:05:19,471
Exactly.
132
00:05:19,539 --> 00:05:21,040
(chuckles)
133
00:05:21,107 --> 00:05:23,909
I'll recite the alphabet,
and you tell me when to stop.
134
00:05:23,977 --> 00:05:25,377
A, B, C, D...
135
00:05:25,445 --> 00:05:26,212
(farts)
136
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,415
Okay, first letter: D.
137
00:05:28,482 --> 00:05:29,416
Next letter.
138
00:05:29,484 --> 00:05:30,784
A, B, C, D, E...
139
00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:31,785
(farts)
140
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,420
"D, E."
141
00:05:33,488 --> 00:05:34,588
Amazing!
142
00:05:34,656 --> 00:05:36,089
Oh, but before we continue.
143
00:05:36,157 --> 00:05:38,892
(breathes deeply)
144
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,828
Okay.
145
00:05:40,895 --> 00:05:41,895
A...
(farts)
146
00:05:41,963 --> 00:05:43,731
"D, E, A."
147
00:05:43,798 --> 00:05:46,133
LISA:
"Dearest Marge, though my body
148
00:05:46,201 --> 00:05:47,468
"cannot move,
my heart still beats
149
00:05:47,535 --> 00:05:48,702
"and my brain still brains.
150
00:05:48,770 --> 00:05:49,737
(farts)
151
00:05:49,804 --> 00:05:51,138
"I miss holding you in my arms
152
00:05:51,206 --> 00:05:53,473
"more than my butt can say.
153
00:05:53,541 --> 00:05:55,308
(farts)
154
00:05:55,376 --> 00:05:57,043
"Perhaps someday
there will be a cure.
155
00:05:57,111 --> 00:05:58,578
"Although if it requires
(farts)
156
00:05:58,646 --> 00:06:01,447
"months of difficult
physical therapy, I'll pass.
157
00:06:01,515 --> 00:06:03,149
"You are the
shining light
158
00:06:03,216 --> 00:06:04,984
"that gets me through
my darkest hours.
159
00:06:05,051 --> 00:06:08,453
"For further communication,
I will require more beans.
160
00:06:08,521 --> 00:06:09,687
I love you."
161
00:06:09,755 --> 00:06:11,789
Oh, Homie.
162
00:06:11,857 --> 00:06:12,756
(quiet fart)
163
00:06:12,824 --> 00:06:13,824
Shh-shh-shh.
164
00:06:13,892 --> 00:06:16,493
Don't say a word.
165
00:06:17,962 --> 00:06:20,129
HOMER:
I guess my life isn't so bad.
166
00:06:20,197 --> 00:06:21,431
With the help
of my loving family,
167
00:06:21,498 --> 00:06:22,832
I even published my first book.
168
00:06:25,136 --> 00:06:26,970
And I've finally reached
a state of serenity and...
169
00:06:27,037 --> 00:06:28,238
(screams)
170
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,774
Another spider!
171
00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:32,642
(frightened whimpering)
172
00:06:35,913 --> 00:06:37,514
What's this bite gonna do?
173
00:06:37,582 --> 00:06:38,615
(gasps)
174
00:06:38,683 --> 00:06:40,685
My wrists are tingling.
175
00:06:40,752 --> 00:06:43,254
I feel new powers
surging within me!
176
00:06:48,628 --> 00:06:50,896
(alarm ringing)
177
00:06:50,963 --> 00:06:52,230
(all grunt)
178
00:06:52,298 --> 00:06:53,599
He's got
the proportionate strength
179
00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:55,167
of a paralyzed spider!
180
00:06:56,837 --> 00:07:00,240
Forget paying for my kid's
operation-- I'm out of here!
181
00:07:00,308 --> 00:07:02,008
(farts)
182
00:07:03,310 --> 00:07:05,879
They say no two ass-webs
are the same.
183
00:07:05,946 --> 00:07:07,647
Beautiful in its way.
184
00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:12,651
Want to go home
and celebrate?
185
00:07:12,719 --> 00:07:14,620
(farts)
186
00:07:15,822 --> 00:07:16,655
Whoo!
187
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:23,329
I wish I could
move like him.
188
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,093
FLANDERS:
Springfield, my hometown.
189
00:07:34,161 --> 00:07:35,361
Pretty little place.
190
00:07:35,429 --> 00:07:37,630
Although, even
the Garden of Eden
191
00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:40,566
could use a nice cleansing rain
now and then.
192
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,567
(laughter)
193
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:42,802
My money's on the kid.
194
00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:44,704
(machine churning)
195
00:07:46,774 --> 00:07:47,440
(tires screech)
196
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:48,942
Hey, whiskers.
197
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,344
Want to party?
198
00:07:50,411 --> 00:07:52,979
Spend less time on your back
and more time on your knees.
199
00:07:53,047 --> 00:07:54,147
Hmm?
200
00:07:54,215 --> 00:07:57,684
Have I lost
my back-alley beauty?
201
00:07:57,752 --> 00:08:01,221
Well, those who can't do, teach.
202
00:08:05,961 --> 00:08:07,027
FLANDERS:
No more distractions.
203
00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:08,428
I have work to do.
204
00:08:08,496 --> 00:08:11,232
(Dexter theme music playing)
205
00:08:38,425 --> 00:08:40,659
(truck beeping)
206
00:08:50,303 --> 00:08:51,537
(groans)
207
00:08:53,207 --> 00:08:55,708
All these years,
I thought murder was a sin.
208
00:08:55,776 --> 00:08:58,044
Then I got new instructions
from the good Lord Himself
209
00:08:58,112 --> 00:09:00,314
in his favorite language--
English.
210
00:09:00,381 --> 00:09:01,801
VOICE OF GOD:
Slay Montgomery Burns
211
00:09:01,826 --> 00:09:03,881
and pee in his ashes!
212
00:09:03,985 --> 00:09:05,519
Are you sure, Lord?
213
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,188
If you're having trouble
with the second part,
214
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,956
drink a lot of water.
215
00:09:10,024 --> 00:09:11,992
Now I've got to go.
216
00:09:12,059 --> 00:09:15,495
A hip-hop star
is thanking me at the VMAs.
217
00:09:17,064 --> 00:09:18,531
(gasps)
218
00:09:25,672 --> 00:09:27,673
FLANDERS:
And so white-bread Ned
219
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,875
became the avenging sword
of the Lord.
220
00:09:41,454 --> 00:09:43,456
Peter, Andrew, James
the Greater, James the Lesser,
221
00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:44,723
John, Philip, Thaddeus.
222
00:09:46,894 --> 00:09:48,728
Heavenly Father, I...
223
00:09:48,795 --> 00:09:50,163
VOICE OF GOD:
Quiet, you!
224
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,899
Your next divine
whack job is a twofer.
225
00:09:52,966 --> 00:09:56,769
I command you to kill
Patty and Selma Bouvier.
226
00:09:56,837 --> 00:09:58,204
Patty and Selma?
227
00:09:58,272 --> 00:10:00,940
Sure they smoke, and they don't
shave much of anything,
228
00:10:01,008 --> 00:10:02,775
but do they deserve to die?
229
00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:06,411
Do not question me,
the star of the Bible.
230
00:10:06,479 --> 00:10:09,515
Now, on a non-murder-
related note,
231
00:10:09,583 --> 00:10:11,917
I want you to find out
232
00:10:11,985 --> 00:10:15,220
what's making that funny noise
in Homer Simpson's car.
233
00:10:15,288 --> 00:10:17,089
It's, uh, it's, you know,
234
00:10:17,157 --> 00:10:19,124
it's like a
chigga-chigga-chigga-chigga.
235
00:10:19,192 --> 00:10:21,527
But you only hear it
when you're driving over 30.
236
00:10:21,594 --> 00:10:24,297
And you never hear it
when you take it to the shop.
237
00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:27,200
Then it sounds perfect.
238
00:10:27,268 --> 00:10:28,969
Yes, Lord!
239
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:31,004
Homer, have you noticed
how many of your enemies
240
00:10:31,072 --> 00:10:32,506
have died lately?
241
00:10:32,574 --> 00:10:34,641
Mr. Burns, Sideshow Bob...
242
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,210
You forgot Patty and Selma.
243
00:10:36,277 --> 00:10:38,212
Oh, wait.
That hasn't happened yet.
244
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,215
Patty and Selma?
245
00:10:40,282 --> 00:10:42,217
Who's next,
Ned Flanders?
246
00:10:42,285 --> 00:10:44,086
Now, how would that work?
247
00:10:44,154 --> 00:10:44,987
Huh?
248
00:10:46,523 --> 00:10:47,790
(tires screech)
249
00:10:51,628 --> 00:10:52,661
(descending whistle)
250
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:57,933
(laughs)
251
00:10:59,402 --> 00:11:01,336
Okay, stupid Flanders,
252
00:11:01,404 --> 00:11:05,040
first I want you to kill
that guy at the ice cream parlor
253
00:11:05,107 --> 00:11:08,210
who gave Homer Simpson a cone
that had a little air in it.
254
00:11:08,277 --> 00:11:09,644
FLANDERS (sighs):
Really?
255
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,546
Come on!
God does crazy things!
256
00:11:11,614 --> 00:11:13,114
Check your Old Testament.
Hey, Dad.
257
00:11:13,182 --> 00:11:16,050
Hey Bart...
Uh, I mean, Jesus.
258
00:11:16,118 --> 00:11:18,653
Hey son, you want Flanders to
kill anybody?
259
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:19,987
He's totally in my power.
260
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,756
Well, there's a tall boy
in front of me
261
00:11:21,823 --> 00:11:22,957
in class so I can't see
the board.
262
00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:24,992
And I sayeth unto you,
263
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,562
slay every tall boy in town!
264
00:11:27,629 --> 00:11:28,763
Yeah!
Yeah!
265
00:11:28,831 --> 00:11:30,698
Homer Simpson!
(shrieks)
266
00:11:30,765 --> 00:11:32,566
You made a killer out of me!
267
00:11:32,634 --> 00:11:34,869
Yeah, and what are you gonna do
about it?
268
00:11:34,937 --> 00:11:37,805
I'm going to kill you!
(shrieks)
269
00:11:37,873 --> 00:11:40,741
- Because of you, I'm going to Hell!
- Language.
270
00:11:40,809 --> 00:11:42,877
Hell!
Damn! Backside!
271
00:11:42,944 --> 00:11:44,311
Nothing matters anymore!
272
00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:47,314
I'm goin' down and my
hand-basket seats two!
273
00:11:47,382 --> 00:11:49,582
(scoffs)
Wake up, Flanders!
274
00:11:49,650 --> 00:11:52,552
There is no Hell,
and there is no God.
275
00:11:52,619 --> 00:11:54,987
If there were, would
He let me do this?
276
00:11:58,324 --> 00:12:00,125
(gasping and wailing)
277
00:12:00,193 --> 00:12:01,860
GOD:
Why you little...
278
00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:05,262
(choking)
279
00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:06,263
(gasps)
280
00:12:06,331 --> 00:12:08,199
What happened?!
281
00:12:08,266 --> 00:12:10,834
Uh... Flanders killed Homer.
282
00:12:10,902 --> 00:12:11,835
But, but...
283
00:12:11,903 --> 00:12:13,770
But you're God.
284
00:12:13,838 --> 00:12:15,939
Couldn't you make everything
the way it was?
285
00:12:16,007 --> 00:12:18,007
Well, I could.
286
00:12:18,075 --> 00:12:20,877
But the big man downstairs
wouldn't like it.
287
00:12:20,945 --> 00:12:22,179
(murmurs)
288
00:12:23,414 --> 00:12:25,382
Get me a coffee!
289
00:12:25,450 --> 00:12:26,884
Yes, sir.
290
00:12:31,589 --> 00:12:33,190
Could this get any worse?
291
00:12:35,193 --> 00:12:37,227
Honey, come back to bed.
292
00:12:37,295 --> 00:12:38,961
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
293
00:12:48,410 --> 00:12:50,178
(indistinct voices)
294
00:12:50,246 --> 00:12:51,780
People, you are on the most
295
00:12:51,848 --> 00:12:54,416
inhospitable planet
in the galaxy.
296
00:12:54,484 --> 00:12:56,118
Extreme temperatures...
297
00:12:56,186 --> 00:12:58,187
vicious indigenous life forms...
298
00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:00,690
Are there any questions? Yes?
299
00:13:00,758 --> 00:13:03,326
Are we in Kansas anymore?
No.
300
00:13:03,394 --> 00:13:04,961
Well, are we in Nebraska?
301
00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:07,230
No!
We are not in any state!
302
00:13:07,298 --> 00:13:09,199
Oh, oh, is it Michigan?
303
00:13:09,266 --> 00:13:11,334
Nobody talk anymore!
304
00:13:11,402 --> 00:13:14,403
You will now direct your
attention to our C.E.O.,
305
00:13:14,471 --> 00:13:15,871
Mr. Krusty the clown.
306
00:13:15,939 --> 00:13:19,208
We are here on this fakakta
planet for one reason:
307
00:13:19,275 --> 00:13:20,975
Hilarium.
308
00:13:21,043 --> 00:13:24,011
Spray this in an audience and
they'll laugh at anything.
309
00:13:24,079 --> 00:13:25,379
And I need some now.
310
00:13:25,447 --> 00:13:27,615
Gotta play a Nazi party rally.
311
00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:29,784
Oh, yeah, they're back.
312
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:33,555
Our spies will go planet-side,
locate said Hilarium
313
00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:36,325
and contact us so that we may
begin extraction.
314
00:13:36,392 --> 00:13:39,829
This is a delicate mission that
requires utter loyalty.
315
00:13:39,897 --> 00:13:41,698
I can think of no better
candidate
316
00:13:41,766 --> 00:13:44,802
than the resentful guy in the
wheelchair who has just arrived.
317
00:13:47,539 --> 00:13:50,640
Yes, I think this is gonna work
out just fine.
318
00:13:53,344 --> 00:13:55,312
All strapped in?
319
00:13:55,380 --> 00:13:56,647
Yep.
320
00:13:58,483 --> 00:14:02,051
Now prepare to take an
incredible journey across the room!
321
00:14:02,119 --> 00:14:04,586
(whooshing)
322
00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:07,522
Yo.
323
00:14:14,464 --> 00:14:17,934
Whoa!
Check out this bitchin' bod!
324
00:14:18,002 --> 00:14:20,304
Oh, man, if I could just have
325
00:14:20,372 --> 00:14:22,507
five minutes alone with my
old bullies...
326
00:14:22,574 --> 00:14:23,908
Hey, avaturd.
327
00:14:23,976 --> 00:14:25,109
Are you guys gonna beat me up?
328
00:14:25,177 --> 00:14:26,311
Naw, we can't.
329
00:14:26,379 --> 00:14:28,814
These avatars cost
$80 billion each.
330
00:14:28,882 --> 00:14:31,650
But your human body costs
nothing.
331
00:14:32,985 --> 00:14:34,353
(grunting and groaning)
332
00:14:34,421 --> 00:14:36,288
(skunk chittering)
333
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,360
(chuckling)
334
00:14:40,428 --> 00:14:43,030
(pained groaning)
335
00:14:43,097 --> 00:14:46,367
(moaning)
336
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:50,538
Come on, let's bond,
you stupid jerk.
337
00:14:50,605 --> 00:14:54,409
That's a Japanese outlet, Bart.
You need an adapter.
338
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:57,912
(groaning, zapping)
339
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,747
Oh, maybe I'll just take a taxi.
340
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:01,049
Where you go?
Where you go?
341
00:15:01,116 --> 00:15:02,350
No meter, is cheaper, yeah?
342
00:15:02,418 --> 00:15:03,551
No, thanks.
343
00:15:03,619 --> 00:15:05,853
Suit yourself, you
one-eyed bastard.
344
00:15:05,921 --> 00:15:07,588
(grunts)
345
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:09,824
Aw, the only thing that looks
good on this stupid planet
346
00:15:09,892 --> 00:15:10,758
are the bananas.
347
00:15:13,128 --> 00:15:14,095
Hmm?!
348
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,231
Ay, caramba!
349
00:15:16,298 --> 00:15:20,201
(battle cry)
350
00:15:27,876 --> 00:15:29,243
Thanks, dude.
351
00:15:29,311 --> 00:15:30,978
I am a female!
352
00:15:31,046 --> 00:15:32,513
You don't have to yell!
353
00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:35,650
I am not yelling!
This is my seductive voice!
354
00:15:35,718 --> 00:15:39,020
I am called Kamala.
355
00:15:39,087 --> 00:15:43,291
Oh! Even when we're monsters,
he gets the girl. (grunts)
356
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,427
Fool! Every part of
this world is alive!
357
00:15:46,495 --> 00:15:48,963
Apologize to sister rock!
358
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:51,265
Sorry, sister rock.
359
00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:54,568
Now you've murdered our
brothers, the flowers!
360
00:15:54,636 --> 00:15:56,603
Stupid! Stupid!
361
00:15:56,671 --> 00:15:58,871
Now you're having
sex with Uncle Tree!
362
00:15:58,939 --> 00:16:00,473
(groans)
363
00:16:00,541 --> 00:16:02,474
Thank the Almighty
Fungus you are wiser
364
00:16:02,542 --> 00:16:04,376
and cuter than your friend.
365
00:16:04,444 --> 00:16:07,212
Hey, what gives, man?
366
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,349
And now let us touch
testicles and mate for life.
367
00:16:10,416 --> 00:16:12,017
Don't you mean tentacles?
368
00:16:12,085 --> 00:16:13,618
I know what I said!
369
00:16:13,686 --> 00:16:15,487
Ay, caramba!
370
00:16:15,555 --> 00:16:17,723
(zapping)
371
00:16:19,526 --> 00:16:22,762
Today you are a man.
Mazel Tov!
372
00:16:27,702 --> 00:16:29,837
So... was it okay?
373
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,639
It was serviceable!
374
00:16:31,707 --> 00:16:35,409
Ah, man, back on Earth we
don't have so many moons.
375
00:16:35,477 --> 00:16:38,613
What do you mean,
"back on Earth"?
376
00:16:38,681 --> 00:16:43,652
Uh... it's a place on the other
side of this planet that's...
377
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,255
very rainy so you can only see
one moon.
378
00:16:46,323 --> 00:16:47,656
You know, like Portland.
379
00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:49,725
I never hear of
this Port-land.
380
00:16:49,793 --> 00:16:54,229
But on Rigel Seven, lack of eye
contact and too many details
381
00:16:54,296 --> 00:16:56,397
indicate the
telling of truth.
382
00:16:56,465 --> 00:17:00,067
I love you, sugar-slime.
383
00:17:00,135 --> 00:17:02,269
(smooching)
384
00:17:02,336 --> 00:17:04,037
Man, you are full
of surprises.
385
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:06,006
(squawking)
386
00:17:06,073 --> 00:17:09,376
I can't believe I'm getting
combat pay for this.
387
00:17:09,444 --> 00:17:13,047
Well done, young man!
Our daughter is with child.
388
00:17:13,114 --> 00:17:14,281
Here.
389
00:17:14,349 --> 00:17:17,318
Feel the wonder of
one million fetuses!
390
00:17:17,386 --> 00:17:20,489
(grunts) You said you
were using birth control!
391
00:17:20,556 --> 00:17:23,825
That only keeps me from giving
birth while we are having sex.
392
00:17:23,893 --> 00:17:24,860
(moans)
393
00:17:24,928 --> 00:17:27,529
How do those mountains float?
394
00:17:27,597 --> 00:17:29,898
They don't.
They are falling.
395
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,702
Now that Kamala has
a slug in the oven,
396
00:17:33,770 --> 00:17:37,772
we must make sure she gets
her daily dose of Hilarium.
397
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:42,042
Without it, her crankiness will
become unbearable.
398
00:17:42,110 --> 00:17:45,779
Unfortunately our environment is
too hostile to grow pickles.
399
00:17:45,846 --> 00:17:49,416
And the only flavor ice cream
we have is butter brickle.
400
00:17:49,484 --> 00:17:52,386
To repeat: no pickles,
butter brickle.
401
00:17:52,454 --> 00:17:54,888
It is the Rigelian way.
402
00:17:54,956 --> 00:17:56,958
So, where can I load up on this
Hilarium?
403
00:17:57,025 --> 00:17:59,127
Listen closely.
404
00:17:59,194 --> 00:18:03,598
The Hilarium is found in the
sacred secretions of the queen!
405
00:18:10,272 --> 00:18:11,339
(dialing phone)
406
00:18:11,406 --> 00:18:13,007
We have located the Hilarium.
407
00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:15,442
Lock in on my signal.
408
00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:19,279
Traitor! How dare you betray
the planet I got laid on?!
409
00:18:21,648 --> 00:18:25,183
They're all in one place.
Let's fry these calamari
410
00:18:25,251 --> 00:18:27,752
and dip 'em in a sauce made
of their own blood!
411
00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:30,255
And wine from
their own grapes.
412
00:18:30,322 --> 00:18:31,322
That's not so bad.
413
00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:32,757
It's a little bad.
414
00:18:38,531 --> 00:18:42,467
So Kamala, where do we keep all
our tanks and planes and stuff?
415
00:18:42,535 --> 00:18:46,137
We have no tanks.
Our planet will protect us.
416
00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:48,273
Oh, man, you sound like my
art teacher.
417
00:18:48,341 --> 00:18:49,741
Look a little like her, too.
418
00:18:49,808 --> 00:18:52,143
(snarling)
419
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:55,246
(bellowing)
420
00:19:03,221 --> 00:19:04,921
(shouting)
421
00:19:04,989 --> 00:19:05,722
(growling)
422
00:19:08,759 --> 00:19:10,126
(squawking)
423
00:19:13,231 --> 00:19:14,164
(yelling)
424
00:19:20,671 --> 00:19:22,606
(hooting)
425
00:19:22,673 --> 00:19:25,409
(battle cry)
426
00:19:25,476 --> 00:19:27,711
I guess this is a good time
427
00:19:27,779 --> 00:19:30,180
to tell you I've been a double
agent all this time.
428
00:19:30,248 --> 00:19:32,015
But now I am
totally on your side.
429
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:35,585
And this is a good time to tell
you I have space warts.
430
00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:37,521
And I got them from
Milhouse.
431
00:19:37,588 --> 00:19:38,455
(gasps)
432
00:19:43,193 --> 00:19:46,229
Time for a good old-fashioned
433
00:19:46,297 --> 00:19:49,232
servo-suit/bulldozer-saurus
fight!
434
00:19:53,204 --> 00:19:54,971
(grunting)
435
00:19:56,974 --> 00:19:58,708
(growling)
436
00:19:58,776 --> 00:20:00,276
Dammit!
437
00:20:00,344 --> 00:20:02,746
Yo, Colonel! Uh, you've got
some schmutz on your cheek.
438
00:20:02,813 --> 00:20:05,081
Where?...
Here?
439
00:20:05,149 --> 00:20:07,384
Skinner...!
440
00:20:10,321 --> 00:20:12,456
Had they asked
for the Hilarium,
441
00:20:12,523 --> 00:20:14,825
we would simply have
given it to them.
442
00:20:14,892 --> 00:20:18,528
In Rigelian there is no word
for "yours" or "mine."
443
00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:22,265
That's the reason we didn't enjoy
the movie Yours, Mine and Ours.
444
00:20:22,332 --> 00:20:24,800
(somber music plays)
445
00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:29,471
Halloween is over,
which means, America,
446
00:20:29,539 --> 00:20:31,640
it's time to start your
Christmas shopping.
447
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:35,511
Infuse our stagnant economy with
dollars you don't really have.
448
00:20:35,578 --> 00:20:39,614
And whatever you do, avoid the
urge to make homemade gifts.
449
00:20:39,682 --> 00:20:44,819
Knitting one sweater for someone
costs 27 Americans their jobs.
450
00:20:44,886 --> 00:20:46,453
And don't forget, Christmas
451
00:20:46,521 --> 00:20:49,023
is a wonderful time to
take up alcoholism.
452
00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:51,625
Come on, you see your
family all year round.
453
00:20:51,693 --> 00:20:54,595
The holidays are for
your bartender. (laughs)
454
00:20:54,663 --> 00:20:57,232
("Carol of the Bells" plays)
455
00:21:01,771 --> 00:21:04,107
(music stops) When are we doing
the Black Swan?
456
00:21:04,174 --> 00:21:06,476
(moans)
457
00:21:06,544 --> 00:21:08,478
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
458
00:21:52,489 --> 00:21:54,257
(scream)
459
00:21:54,324 --> 00:21:56,158
(spooky organ music plays)