1
00:00:01,632 --> 00:00:02,586
It is weird.
2
00:00:02,752 --> 00:00:04,004
My lifetime subscription
3
00:00:04,227 --> 00:00:07,549
for Sports Illustrated
expires in 2032.
4
00:00:07,715 --> 00:00:10,177
Is that your expiration date
or the magazine's?
5
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,899
[Laughs]
6
00:00:12,024 --> 00:00:12,867
Oh, God.
7
00:00:12,992 --> 00:00:14,685
Oh, no, babe.
No, no, no, don't do that.
8
00:00:14,810 --> 00:00:16,854
Come on, it's not a sign, not a sign.
9
00:00:17,141 --> 00:00:18,226
That's 21 years from now.
10
00:00:18,392 --> 00:00:19,991
- That's, like...
- Hm, that's weird.
11
00:00:20,116 --> 00:00:22,314
That's only five more Olympics.
12
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:23,690
[Computer beeps]
13
00:00:24,153 --> 00:00:25,029
Oh, hey, you know what?
14
00:00:25,154 --> 00:00:26,318
That's my parents, hit "decline."
15
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:27,598
[Computer beeps]
16
00:00:27,723 --> 00:00:28,666
- No, no, we should answer it.
- Hit decline, no!
17
00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:29,750
- Hey, come on.
- No, no!
18
00:00:29,875 --> 00:00:31,490
Look, life is so short!
Especially mine.
19
00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:32,837
I don't wanna, I don't wanna!
20
00:00:32,962 --> 00:00:34,906
God, you're like
my mother, so annoying...Aah!
21
00:00:35,031 --> 00:00:37,082
Wow, you sound like
a 14 year old girl.
22
00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:38,876
I know I do, you know why?
23
00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:41,512
'Cause no matter how old I get,
I am still that 14 year old girl
24
00:00:41,637 --> 00:00:43,914
with braces and green doc martens
25
00:00:44,039 --> 00:00:47,255
and she's just
the fabulous Dr. Chafin, so...
26
00:00:47,421 --> 00:00:49,132
- We should answer it.
- Hit "decline."
27
00:00:49,298 --> 00:00:50,388
I feel like your dad
can read my mind.
28
00:00:50,513 --> 00:00:52,135
Okay, no, he's a psychiatrist,
not a psychic.
29
00:00:52,301 --> 00:00:53,558
I bet you they can tell
that we're standing here
30
00:00:53,683 --> 00:00:54,592
not answering it, all right?
31
00:00:54,717 --> 00:00:55,693
You can't!
No, don't do it!
32
00:00:55,818 --> 00:00:57,474
Don't accept it!
Oh, ugh!
33
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,602
- Chris!
- Angie, Dean, how are ya?
34
00:01:00,768 --> 00:01:02,967
I had the most
intense experience today
35
00:01:03,092 --> 00:01:04,035
when a woman walked up to me
36
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,703
and said that I changed her life.
37
00:01:05,828 --> 00:01:06,837
How are you?
38
00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,840
Oh, um, well, first
let me just congratulate you
39
00:01:09,965 --> 00:01:11,029
on the new book.
40
00:01:11,195 --> 00:01:13,865
That's really great
and I'm doing great.
41
00:01:14,103 --> 00:01:15,046
Living the dream.
44
00:01:19,308 --> 00:01:21,886
wanna say hi to your granddaughter?
45
00:01:22,164 --> 00:01:23,054
- Aw!
- Hi!
46
00:01:23,179 --> 00:01:24,822
- Darling!
- Baby!
47
00:01:24,947 --> 00:01:26,461
Amy, my light...
48
00:01:26,627 --> 00:01:29,172
Chris?
What is she wearing?
49
00:01:29,338 --> 00:01:30,094
What?
50
00:01:30,219 --> 00:01:32,217
Oh, it's just a...
51
00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:35,804
It's just a little
princess shirt-type thing.
52
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,102
To quote my book,
we can't teach our little girls
53
00:01:38,227 --> 00:01:40,517
the only way to succeed
is through beauty.
54
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:43,103
Hand of God,
I thought it said "priceless."
55
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,875
Hey, we have some really good news.
56
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,995
We are coming down
to Los Angeles tomorrow.
57
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,916
The UCLA psych department
is throwing me a book party.
58
00:01:52,041 --> 00:01:53,117
[Laughter]
59
00:01:53,242 --> 00:01:55,824
I tried to stop them,
it was so embarrassing.
60
00:01:56,045 --> 00:01:57,075
She was very modest.
61
00:01:57,241 --> 00:02:00,036
- So cute.
- So convenient.
62
00:02:00,202 --> 00:02:01,747
And we're dying to see you.
63
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,795
- So...
- Hey, guys! Hi!
64
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,877
- Hi, mom, pop.
- Hi, sweetheart.
65
00:02:07,123 --> 00:02:09,800
Hey, we're not gonna
be able to see you tomorrow.
66
00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:11,802
Because... gonna be going to the...
67
00:02:12,089 --> 00:02:13,971
Uh-oh, there's an Internet...
68
00:02:14,096 --> 00:02:15,135
Connection pro...
69
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,971
- [Laughs]
- Uh...Problem...
70
00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:19,360
[Sighs]
71
00:02:19,485 --> 00:02:21,812
God, that was a nightmare.
72
00:02:21,937 --> 00:02:22,913
- Hello?
- Hello?
73
00:02:23,038 --> 00:02:24,561
Sunshine, are you still there?
74
00:02:36,864 --> 00:02:42,662
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
75
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,711
{pub}Come, gather 'round
ye people of my office.
76
00:02:53,836 --> 00:02:55,509
- What's going on?
- Dale died.
77
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,231
What?
78
00:02:57,356 --> 00:02:58,428
The microphone guy?
79
00:02:58,594 --> 00:02:59,917
Attention...
80
00:03:00,042 --> 00:03:01,681
My co-working family.
81
00:03:01,847 --> 00:03:02,853
She doesn't know who Dale is.
82
00:03:02,978 --> 00:03:03,988
There are no words...
83
00:03:04,113 --> 00:03:05,272
She doesn't know who anyone is.
84
00:03:05,397 --> 00:03:07,229
- To describe this...
- I've gotta stop her.
85
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,523
Wonderful sound man.
86
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:13,831
But if there were words,
those words would be...
87
00:03:13,956 --> 00:03:17,468
Passionate.
88
00:03:17,593 --> 00:03:20,037
Prompt.
89
00:03:20,162 --> 00:03:22,285
Sound-obsessed.
90
00:03:22,451 --> 00:03:24,371
And above all else,
91
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:27,624
passionate about sound.
92
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,626
If he were here right now...
93
00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:31,982
[Fake crying]
94
00:03:32,107 --> 00:03:37,354
He'd be saying,
"hey, Ava, did you hear that?"
95
00:03:37,479 --> 00:03:38,923
And I'd say, "yup."
96
00:03:39,048 --> 00:03:40,136
He did your mic.
97
00:03:40,302 --> 00:03:42,347
- Rest in peace, Mike.
- Ugh!
98
00:03:42,513 --> 00:03:43,807
His name was Dale.
99
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:44,928
Yup.
100
00:03:45,053 --> 00:03:46,030
You don't even know who Dale was.
101
00:03:46,155 --> 00:03:50,901
Does anyone really know Dale?
102
00:03:51,026 --> 00:03:54,484
Does anyone really know anyone, guys?
103
00:03:54,650 --> 00:03:55,944
[Sighs]
104
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,074
Hey, babe...
105
00:03:57,199 --> 00:04:00,511
Before I get back to work,
um, we need to make sure
106
00:04:00,636 --> 00:04:02,075
that we don't have to
see my parents this weekend.
107
00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:03,910
So I'm gonna call my mom's voice mail
108
00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:08,081
and on my cue,
pretend we're in Vegas, okay?
109
00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:09,637
What? Come on, babe.
I'm terrible at...
110
00:04:09,762 --> 00:04:11,459
Hey, mom, dad.
111
00:04:11,625 --> 00:04:12,990
We're in Vegas!
112
00:04:13,115 --> 00:04:15,826
Uh, on a trip
and the whole family's here.
113
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:19,530
Slot machines!
Blackjack!
114
00:04:19,655 --> 00:04:20,965
So love you, bye, okay.
115
00:04:21,090 --> 00:04:22,867
That was great, honey, thanks.
What is this?
116
00:04:22,992 --> 00:04:24,222
I'm just checking out my death clock.
117
00:04:24,388 --> 00:04:26,153
You know, you put in
your lifestyle information
118
00:04:26,278 --> 00:04:28,572
and it spits out
the date of your death.
119
00:04:28,697 --> 00:04:30,478
And the date of my death is...
120
00:04:30,644 --> 00:04:32,976
So silly.
[Computer beeps]
121
00:04:33,101 --> 00:04:33,878
Oh, God.
[Computer beeps]
122
00:04:34,003 --> 00:04:35,650
May 9th, 2032.
123
00:04:35,816 --> 00:04:38,699
That's the exact same year that
sports illustrated predicted.
124
00:04:38,824 --> 00:04:42,490
Yeah, but come on.
Come on, it's a coincidence.
125
00:04:42,656 --> 00:04:44,784
This is a sign, babe.
Are you kidding me?
126
00:04:44,950 --> 00:04:47,024
21 years is all I got!
127
00:04:47,149 --> 00:04:47,991
It's confirmed.
128
00:04:48,116 --> 00:04:49,160
Oh, my God, I'm in a spiral.
129
00:04:49,285 --> 00:04:50,528
Oh, honey.
130
00:04:50,653 --> 00:04:54,064
I gotta hear some good news.
What happened today?
131
00:04:54,189 --> 00:04:56,500
Um, actually I'm kind of
132
00:04:56,625 --> 00:04:58,632
a little hesitant to tell you this,
133
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:02,439
but you know Dale, our sound guy?
134
00:05:02,564 --> 00:05:05,555
He died.
135
00:05:05,721 --> 00:05:07,807
He just...He just
dropped dead out of the blue.
136
00:05:08,070 --> 00:05:10,447
Actually found him
in his condo common room.
137
00:05:10,572 --> 00:05:12,316
Collapsed on his ping pong table.
138
00:05:12,441 --> 00:05:14,201
Oh, big d.
139
00:05:14,326 --> 00:05:16,887
You fat bastard.
140
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:18,735
He's never gonna get to see iPhone 5.
141
00:05:19,081 --> 00:05:21,659
Listen, you gotta start
to think positively about this.
142
00:05:21,784 --> 00:05:23,861
The worst case scenario...
143
00:05:23,986 --> 00:05:27,832
You have 21 great years left, right?
144
00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:29,704
So just treasure every one of them.
145
00:05:29,925 --> 00:05:32,207
You're right, 21 years
is pretty good I guess.
146
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:34,538
Ugh, it's my mom.
147
00:05:34,663 --> 00:05:36,724
Gotta ruin my trip to Vegas, huh?
148
00:05:36,849 --> 00:05:38,588
- Well, we're not...
- [Baby voice] Ignore.
149
00:05:38,754 --> 00:05:39,894
All right, babe, you know what?
150
00:05:40,019 --> 00:05:42,133
I'm gonna get really real
with you for a second here.
151
00:05:42,299 --> 00:05:44,010
You need to start
treasuring your parents.
152
00:05:44,176 --> 00:05:46,054
Okay, no, I came up
with the treasure thing.
153
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:47,389
Your mom loves you.
154
00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,887
No, I am source material, okay?
155
00:05:50,012 --> 00:05:52,055
I mean, can you imagine?
156
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:56,393
This woman writes a book about
mothers and daughters, okay?
157
00:05:56,518 --> 00:05:57,732
- I mean it's...
- Outrageous?
158
00:05:57,898 --> 00:05:59,067
It's outrageous.
159
00:05:59,521 --> 00:06:01,749
It's like you writing a book on
160
00:06:01,874 --> 00:06:04,368
how not to fart
in your sleep, you know?
161
00:06:04,493 --> 00:06:06,408
Oh, I'm sorry.
162
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:09,744
It's actually kind of cute.
163
00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,706
- Okay.
- Thanks, guys, ooh.
164
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:13,844
You know what?
165
00:06:13,969 --> 00:06:15,709
I think the crew
might be a little miffed
166
00:06:15,938 --> 00:06:17,335
from your eulogy today.
167
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:18,878
So you might wanna
try to make it up to them.
168
00:06:19,044 --> 00:06:20,301
Well, I have hundreds of employees,
169
00:06:20,426 --> 00:06:21,852
and you know I am
terrible with names.
170
00:06:21,977 --> 00:06:22,937
This is the second time
171
00:06:23,062 --> 00:06:24,342
I'm going to ask this today, sir.
172
00:06:24,508 --> 00:06:25,856
Why is your hand up my shirt?
173
00:06:25,981 --> 00:06:28,125
Ava, that's
your new sound man, Chuck.
174
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:30,932
- Thank you, Chuck.
- Keep on growing.
175
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:39,733
I am registering a mild degree
of worker people grumpiness.
176
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,739
But I have a lot
of management experience.
177
00:06:41,864 --> 00:06:43,194
I know how to win them back.
178
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,530
- Don't get them a coffee cart.
- I have another idea.
179
00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:46,911
Don't get a crepe cart.
180
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:47,912
Well, they'll love it.
181
00:06:48,037 --> 00:06:48,963
Don't worry, we'll tell them
182
00:06:49,088 --> 00:06:51,632
they're French pancakes.
183
00:06:51,757 --> 00:06:53,288
Hey, hey, hey, did I make it?
184
00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:55,135
No, no, no, she just went down.
185
00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:56,136
Oh, no.
186
00:06:56,261 --> 00:06:57,805
I have had the worst day.
187
00:06:57,930 --> 00:06:59,924
All I wanna do is kick off my shoes,
188
00:07:00,049 --> 00:07:02,142
sit on the couch
and watch some garbagey TV.
189
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,310
Okay?
190
00:07:03,435 --> 00:07:06,342
But I have done
something kinda great.
191
00:07:06,508 --> 00:07:07,848
What?
192
00:07:08,135 --> 00:07:08,933
- Ha!
- Hey!
193
00:07:09,058 --> 00:07:10,513
Oh! Aah!
194
00:07:10,679 --> 00:07:12,353
- Hello.
- Did she trip?
195
00:07:12,478 --> 00:07:13,854
Uh, I think she dropped something.
196
00:07:13,979 --> 00:07:17,274
Babe, your folks are here.
197
00:07:17,399 --> 00:07:18,933
Mom, dad!
198
00:07:22,149 --> 00:07:25,061
{pub}No, this is just...
Such a surprise.
199
00:07:25,186 --> 00:07:26,729
Yeah, well, I called them
200
00:07:26,854 --> 00:07:28,490
because life is short.
201
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,783
- Isn't she beautiful?
- Mm.
202
00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:32,001
Muah.
203
00:07:32,126 --> 00:07:33,161
Gee...God, mom.
204
00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:34,621
Gross.
205
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,456
It is a little weird, right?
206
00:07:37,581 --> 00:07:40,543
Why, does mother-daughter
affection bother you?
207
00:07:40,709 --> 00:07:42,128
[Uncomfortable laugh]
208
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:44,756
I don't know.
209
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:47,316
I'm sure you haven't planned
dinner but rather than have that
210
00:07:47,441 --> 00:07:50,686
domino brand pizza pie,
I thought we could have
211
00:07:50,811 --> 00:07:52,505
an Indian feast, huh?
212
00:07:52,630 --> 00:07:53,765
I brought the cumin!
213
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:56,459
Where do you keep your ghee?
214
00:07:56,584 --> 00:07:58,127
You know I don't have ghee, mom.
215
00:07:58,252 --> 00:08:02,774
Nobody has ghee.
216
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,700
Um, it is me...
217
00:08:04,825 --> 00:08:07,237
Or did Angie nail this Saag Paneer?
218
00:08:07,494 --> 00:08:09,239
Well, I do make
my own cheese, you know.
219
00:08:09,496 --> 00:08:10,740
Heh! Wink.
220
00:08:10,906 --> 00:08:11,825
[Laughs]
221
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,609
Oh, come on, how often do you
222
00:08:13,734 --> 00:08:14,977
get to have Saag Paneer?
223
00:08:15,102 --> 00:08:16,287
[Baby gibberish]
224
00:08:16,570 --> 00:08:18,665
Ooh, somebody's got a ripe diaper.
225
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,334
And it is "front relevant,"
Reagan, you're up.
226
00:08:21,608 --> 00:08:22,585
I got it.
227
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:25,213
"Front relevant?"
228
00:08:25,512 --> 00:08:27,757
You haven't named your
daughter's genitals?
229
00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:29,259
We're not talking about this.
230
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:32,637
Your discomfort now, darling,
will only lead to a lifetime
231
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,463
of shame for Amy.
232
00:08:34,588 --> 00:08:36,432
You've gotta...You've
gotta make her feel confident
233
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,101
about her womanhood.
234
00:08:38,359 --> 00:08:40,569
Why don't we call it... I don't know,
235
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,304
um, a vagina?
236
00:08:42,429 --> 00:08:45,316
Oh, ew, no...Good God,
that's far too clinical.
237
00:08:45,599 --> 00:08:47,510
You know, based on my research,
238
00:08:47,635 --> 00:08:51,656
the name offers daughters
a sense of ownership.
239
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,491
Slash whimsy.
240
00:08:53,657 --> 00:08:55,451
Yeah, I mean, we put a lot of time
241
00:08:55,617 --> 00:08:56,952
and effort into naming yours.
242
00:08:57,077 --> 00:08:58,204
Abobo?
243
00:08:58,479 --> 00:09:01,357
All my parents argue about
is football and Regis.
244
00:09:01,623 --> 00:09:02,525
It's, uh...
You know, um, honey?
245
00:09:02,650 --> 00:09:04,043
Can you actually help me with this?
246
00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:06,528
Uh, just come with me
to just help with the...
247
00:09:06,653 --> 00:09:07,546
- Yes.
- Just come with me.
248
00:09:07,671 --> 00:09:08,914
Just come with me.
Did you see her?
249
00:09:09,039 --> 00:09:11,593
With her ghee and her special cheese.
250
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:12,868
And did you see the way that she was
251
00:09:12,993 --> 00:09:14,103
ignoring Amy?
252
00:09:14,228 --> 00:09:15,471
I mean...
253
00:09:15,637 --> 00:09:17,940
Reagan, I'm sorry,
but you've gotta have
254
00:09:18,065 --> 00:09:18,924
a better relationship with your mom.
255
00:09:19,049 --> 00:09:20,435
Starting now.
256
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:21,543
It's impossible, honey.
257
00:09:21,668 --> 00:09:23,378
It's impossible because she is just...
258
00:09:23,503 --> 00:09:24,880
She is...
259
00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:26,448
Aarrgghh!
260
00:09:26,573 --> 00:09:29,235
[Baby grunting]
261
00:09:29,510 --> 00:09:30,586
Did you hear that?
262
00:09:30,711 --> 00:09:31,520
Oh, my God, she just made the same
263
00:09:31,645 --> 00:09:32,989
"I hate my mom" noise
that I just made.
264
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:34,908
Oh, God, am I
teaching her to hate her mom?
265
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,559
Okay, relax, come on.
266
00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:39,562
Amy, you are not
annoyed by your mommy, are you?
267
00:09:39,687 --> 00:09:40,629
[Baby grunting]
268
00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:42,582
[Gasps]
269
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,066
No, this isn't good.
270
00:09:44,191 --> 00:09:46,335
No, I don't wanna have
the same relationship with her
271
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:47,736
that I have with my mother.
272
00:09:47,861 --> 00:09:49,738
I can't.
I gotta break the cycle.
273
00:09:49,863 --> 00:09:50,739
Right now.
274
00:09:50,864 --> 00:09:52,775
Amy, my darling,
275
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:56,930
I am gonna show you
how to treasure a mom.
276
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,964
- Mom?
- Hmm?
277
00:09:59,089 --> 00:10:00,058
I treasure you.
278
00:10:00,274 --> 00:10:03,228
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
279
00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:06,255
Yeah, and I... I think that you and I
280
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:07,656
need to have a girls' night out.
281
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:08,942
Just the two of us.
282
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,819
You could be my plus one
at the book signing.
283
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:14,980
Oh, yes, it would be so nice
to have somebody in the room
284
00:10:15,105 --> 00:10:17,784
who's not trying to
blow smoke up my bottom.
285
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,035
Yeah, she didn't wanna do it.
286
00:10:19,259 --> 00:10:21,103
I didn't, I didn't.
287
00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:22,454
Hey.
288
00:10:22,579 --> 00:10:23,623
Amy, honey.
289
00:10:24,131 --> 00:10:27,626
Your mommy is gonna have
a girls' night with her mommy.
290
00:10:27,751 --> 00:10:29,178
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
291
00:10:29,303 --> 00:10:31,839
And then you and...You and
dad can have a boys' night.
292
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:35,117
That sounds fun,
doesn't that sound fun, Dean?
293
00:10:35,242 --> 00:10:37,303
- Hmm.
- Hmm?
294
00:10:37,578 --> 00:10:40,639
You take Angie for granted,
she's an amazing person.
295
00:10:40,764 --> 00:10:41,790
It's true.
296
00:10:41,915 --> 00:10:43,492
My mother lives in a houseboat
with a jazz drummer
297
00:10:43,617 --> 00:10:44,810
she makes me call "captain."
298
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:46,896
Yeah, well my mom is obsessed with
299
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,480
naming Amy's genitals.
300
00:10:48,605 --> 00:10:50,165
Oh, I read about that in her book.
301
00:10:50,290 --> 00:10:52,568
I call my lady garden "Janine."
302
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:54,469
What about something cute for Amy
303
00:10:54,594 --> 00:10:55,971
like "bunny" or...
304
00:10:56,096 --> 00:10:57,489
- Agh!
- Something glamorous.
305
00:10:57,614 --> 00:10:59,275
You know, like "Ibiza."
306
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:00,642
Yeah, I'm not naming her privates
307
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:02,328
after a Spanish sex island.
308
00:11:02,494 --> 00:11:04,747
Let's get you onstage.
309
00:11:04,913 --> 00:11:06,582
[Talk show theme music]
310
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,919
[Cheers and applause]
311
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,754
We're here with Dr. Deon,
312
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,341
author of the new book,
"cardio ka-razy."
313
00:11:15,616 --> 00:11:17,343
Uh, yeah, I can see her hair.
314
00:11:17,618 --> 00:11:19,295
So tell us, Dr. Deon.
315
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:22,097
How can I be more cardio healthy?
316
00:11:22,222 --> 00:11:24,058
Well, you'd be amazed
at how much exercise
317
00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:25,534
you can pack into
your normal work day.
318
00:11:25,659 --> 00:11:27,002
I left for two seconds
and they sabotaged her.
319
00:11:27,127 --> 00:11:28,271
Reggie, she's out of focus.
320
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:31,649
Oops.
321
00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:34,444
Reggie, cut! Cut!
322
00:11:34,768 --> 00:11:36,645
So if I were to, uh, take the stairs
323
00:11:36,770 --> 00:11:38,614
instead of the elevator...
324
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,616
Yes, that would
also be cardio ka-razy.
325
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,051
Yes, it would.
326
00:11:42,176 --> 00:11:42,994
Hey!
327
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,747
I bought you bastards crepes!
328
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,823
That show was a disaster!
329
00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:49,541
Did you see what hair did to my hair?
330
00:11:49,666 --> 00:11:51,544
I am seriously gonna kill hair.
331
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:54,797
First of all, you cannot
call Carlos "hair," honey.
332
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,050
How did this turn
into such a big deal?
333
00:11:57,216 --> 00:12:00,178
Ava, these people
are very close to you.
334
00:12:00,427 --> 00:12:01,179
They care about you.
335
00:12:01,428 --> 00:12:04,073
Let me show you something.
336
00:12:04,198 --> 00:12:05,424
Now, tell me.
337
00:12:05,549 --> 00:12:08,227
What is my job title?
338
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:09,937
- Executive producer.
- Okay, look at that.
339
00:12:10,103 --> 00:12:12,148
You see that?
You popped your P's.
340
00:12:12,372 --> 00:12:14,025
I popped my P's?
341
00:12:14,241 --> 00:12:16,185
But no one ever knew it
because Dale knew
342
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:18,153
exactly where to put your microphone
343
00:12:18,278 --> 00:12:19,989
so that you would sound awesome.
344
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:22,324
Honey, he took care of you.
345
00:12:22,449 --> 00:12:24,452
I hope he knows
how much I appreciate him.
346
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:26,579
Well, he's dead, so no.
347
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:29,665
Reagan, I really need to try harder.
348
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,000
Okay.
349
00:12:31,225 --> 00:12:32,434
All right, I'm gonna go.
350
00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:34,253
I have a girls' night with my mother.
351
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:38,374
I'm getting my treasure on.
352
00:12:38,499 --> 00:12:41,552
Oh, you know,
motherhood is a journey.
353
00:12:41,718 --> 00:12:45,598
And I'm very proud
to say that I helped
354
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:49,685
turn this pupae into this butterfly.
355
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:52,221
Stridex deserves
some credit for that.
356
00:12:52,346 --> 00:12:54,065
And of course, "contempo casuals"
357
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:55,775
[chuckles]
Going out of business.
358
00:12:56,049 --> 00:12:57,527
You have no idea
what I'm talking about.
359
00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:59,561
I was particularly fascinated
by the chapter
360
00:12:59,686 --> 00:13:01,531
on the summer Reagan
lost her innocence.
361
00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:04,599
Oh, this is such
a challenging time for a mother.
362
00:13:04,724 --> 00:13:05,993
And you'll have to
sit your daughter down
363
00:13:06,226 --> 00:13:07,245
and say,
364
00:13:07,561 --> 00:13:09,905
"what really happened in
the back of that Pontiac Fiero?"
365
00:13:10,030 --> 00:13:10,906
[Laughs]
366
00:13:11,031 --> 00:13:12,375
It was a Subaru Justy.
367
00:13:12,699 --> 00:13:15,577
- Anyone need a refresher?
- Oh, me.
368
00:13:15,702 --> 00:13:17,547
- I'll join you.
- Oh, no, mom...Mom?
369
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,800
Hey, let's hang out.
We haven't talked all night.
370
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,135
All right.
371
00:13:22,376 --> 00:13:23,452
[Uncomfortable laugh]
372
00:13:23,577 --> 00:13:26,472
Yeah.
373
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,475
That picture brings back
some memories now, doesn't it?
374
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,103
Wonderful times, huh?
375
00:13:32,319 --> 00:13:34,680
No, actually, mom,
that was a period of my life
376
00:13:34,805 --> 00:13:36,298
where my only friend was
377
00:13:36,423 --> 00:13:38,192
a gay 7th grader with a Mohawk who...
378
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,536
Hold that thought, darling.
I really should mingle.
379
00:13:40,661 --> 00:13:42,271
Who invited all these people?
380
00:13:42,396 --> 00:13:43,605
It's so embarrassing.
[Laughs]
381
00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:46,732
- Yeah, I'm sure it is.
- I'll be right back.
382
00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:49,611
[David Lee Roth's Yankee rose]
383
00:13:49,736 --> 00:13:50,612
Ten!
384
00:13:50,737 --> 00:13:51,814
Bang it!
385
00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:53,215
Unh!
386
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:54,483
Aah!
387
00:13:54,608 --> 00:13:57,712
- Hey, there.
- Hey.
388
00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:58,838
Hey, uh, do you need a, um...?
389
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:00,379
- Spot.
- Spot?
390
00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:01,632
Yeah.
391
00:14:01,798 --> 00:14:03,225
Just grab it, grab the bar.
392
00:14:03,350 --> 00:14:04,760
- Unh!
- Wow.
393
00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:06,661
[Heavy breathing]
394
00:14:06,786 --> 00:14:08,230
All right.
395
00:14:08,355 --> 00:14:10,432
Just thought
I'd blast out a couple...
396
00:14:10,557 --> 00:14:13,569
Sets, you know,
to release some endorphins.
397
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:15,897
It's a good de-stresser.
398
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:19,358
Which, in terms
of life expectancy is...
399
00:14:19,633 --> 00:14:20,526
What?
400
00:14:20,692 --> 00:14:23,779
- I'm afraid of dying.
- Oh.
401
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,447
I know it's irrational.
402
00:14:25,572 --> 00:14:27,316
But there's this whole...
403
00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:29,202
Death clock and sports illustrated.
404
00:14:29,443 --> 00:14:31,286
It's...
405
00:14:31,411 --> 00:14:33,706
It's all pretty much
just not good news.
406
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,374
And?
407
00:14:35,649 --> 00:14:37,242
And...Look, Dean, I know that
408
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,087
you're a great psychiatrist.
409
00:14:44,324 --> 00:14:46,135
Could you tell me
how a rational person
410
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,720
deals with all this?
411
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:53,142
Well, Chris,
the thing about death is...
412
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,727
I have no [Bleep] Idea.
413
00:14:54,893 --> 00:14:56,103
[Laughs]
414
00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:58,447
It scares the hell out of me.
415
00:14:58,572 --> 00:15:03,602
You know what I do,
I try not to think about it.
416
00:15:03,727 --> 00:15:04,810
Here, uh...
417
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,989
Oh, uh, this helps a lot.
418
00:15:07,214 --> 00:15:09,116
[Laughs]
419
00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:11,393
Let's just fix this up.
420
00:15:11,518 --> 00:15:13,788
There we go, such a pretty girl.
421
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:15,330
[Wine glass ringing]
422
00:15:15,455 --> 00:15:19,168
Well, I wanna toast you all
and thank you for coming.
423
00:15:19,409 --> 00:15:22,904
"Raising daughter,
the journey of motherhood"
424
00:15:23,029 --> 00:15:25,174
took me two years to write.
425
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:27,576
But...Oh, if I may be indiscreet,
426
00:15:27,701 --> 00:15:31,097
Reagan, 36 to research.
427
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:32,514
[Laughter]
428
00:15:32,639 --> 00:15:33,599
And I would like to announce
429
00:15:33,765 --> 00:15:35,417
that I have found the inspiration
430
00:15:35,542 --> 00:15:36,585
for my next book.
431
00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:38,896
My beautiful granddaughter, Amy.
432
00:15:39,062 --> 00:15:41,065
[Applause]
433
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:42,066
Excuse me, excuse me.
434
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,402
Dr. Chafin... excuse me, mom-genius?
435
00:15:44,718 --> 00:15:45,736
Can I just talk to you privately
436
00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:49,031
over by the worst picture ever
taken of a human being ever?
437
00:15:49,256 --> 00:15:50,132
- Oh.
- Listen.
438
00:15:50,257 --> 00:15:51,233
Ah!
439
00:15:51,358 --> 00:15:52,952
Why did you deface that?
440
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,437
If you think that you
are gonna write a book
441
00:15:55,562 --> 00:15:57,439
about being this amazing grandmother,
442
00:15:57,564 --> 00:15:59,208
you are out of your mind!
443
00:15:59,499 --> 00:16:00,533
Shh!
444
00:16:01,084 --> 00:16:02,628
- Are you drunk?
- Yes! Are you drunk?
445
00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:05,214
- Yes!
- You know what?
446
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,466
I came here tonight because
I wanted to connect with you.
447
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:11,253
But you are un-connect-with-able.
448
00:16:11,378 --> 00:16:12,804
Okay?
449
00:16:12,929 --> 00:16:14,056
Excuse me.
450
00:16:14,222 --> 00:16:15,457
Ugh!
451
00:16:15,582 --> 00:16:17,559
Get out of my way, nerds!
452
00:16:17,684 --> 00:16:21,063
You're all nerds!
453
00:16:21,288 --> 00:16:23,022
Nerds!
454
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,624
Ok, Putch's real name.
455
00:16:30,202 --> 00:16:32,325
Is Ronald Putch.
456
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,285
Ron Putch.
457
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:35,783
And he has two twin babies.
458
00:16:35,908 --> 00:16:36,746
Adrian and Dadrian.
459
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:39,844
Adorable and dadorable.
460
00:16:40,248 --> 00:16:41,459
[Laughs]
461
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,624
Great, and, uh, missy,
462
00:16:43,749 --> 00:16:46,194
how is that tribute video
to Dale coming along?
463
00:16:46,319 --> 00:16:50,051
There's very little
information on Dale.
464
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:53,804
All we have is
a group photo and his W-4.
465
00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:56,220
Missy, you have
got to make this work.
466
00:16:56,345 --> 00:16:59,724
The importance of this
467
00:16:59,849 --> 00:17:03,689
cannot be measured.
468
00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:07,318
♪ I don't want to start
any blasphemous rumors... ♪
469
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:09,528
[Knock on door]
470
00:17:09,694 --> 00:17:11,118
Go away!
471
00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,115
Nobody understands me!
472
00:17:13,281 --> 00:17:14,155
[Crying]
473
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,457
Well, babe, that's probably because
474
00:17:16,582 --> 00:17:18,037
your face is in a pillow.
475
00:17:18,284 --> 00:17:20,061
[Sniffles]
476
00:17:20,186 --> 00:17:21,762
Look, Reagan, I'm sorry.
477
00:17:21,887 --> 00:17:24,377
I made a mistake
inviting your parents.
478
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:28,169
I can't force a treasuring
moment between you and your mom.
479
00:17:28,294 --> 00:17:31,806
It just has to happen organically.
480
00:17:31,931 --> 00:17:33,107
Like it did with me and your dad.
481
00:17:33,232 --> 00:17:34,842
That guy is amazing.
482
00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:37,181
He's...
483
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,974
[Knock on door]
484
00:17:39,238 --> 00:17:40,231
Chris...
485
00:17:40,356 --> 00:17:42,853
May I please have
a second with your wife?
486
00:17:43,019 --> 00:17:43,935
Yes.
487
00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:47,483
God, yeah, totally.
488
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,277
I'm sorry I freaked out
at your book signing.
489
00:17:50,443 --> 00:17:52,126
How bad a mother am I?
490
00:17:52,251 --> 00:17:54,195
- Mom...
- No, seriously.
491
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:55,324
On a scale of 1 to 10.
492
00:17:55,490 --> 00:17:58,032
10 being Jackie Kennedy and one being
493
00:17:58,157 --> 00:18:01,038
a confused gerbil mom
who eats her babies?
494
00:18:01,327 --> 00:18:05,139
I studied gerbil infanticide
in graduate school.
495
00:18:05,264 --> 00:18:08,337
I worked under a renowned Professor...
496
00:18:08,503 --> 00:18:10,444
Oh, good God.
497
00:18:10,569 --> 00:18:11,712
I'm so sorry, darling.
498
00:18:11,837 --> 00:18:12,947
You don't wanna hear all that.
499
00:18:13,072 --> 00:18:15,283
I'm sorry.
500
00:18:15,408 --> 00:18:17,138
I wanna be better.
501
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:20,015
Please tell me how to do that.
502
00:18:20,279 --> 00:18:23,291
Do you remember that
outdoor aerobics class
503
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:24,759
that I taught at the y
504
00:18:24,884 --> 00:18:28,941
when I was really tan
and my body was really bangin'?
505
00:18:29,188 --> 00:18:30,025
Yeah.
506
00:18:30,256 --> 00:18:32,833
Write a book about that
and use that picture.
507
00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:33,934
Heh.
508
00:18:34,059 --> 00:18:36,237
- Oh.
- Oh, mommy.
509
00:18:36,362 --> 00:18:38,576
Aw.
510
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,308
[Baby gibberish]
511
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:42,109
- It is your turn.
- It's your turn.
512
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,205
No, it's your turn.
513
00:18:43,371 --> 00:18:45,079
- It's your turn.
- It's your turn!
514
00:18:45,204 --> 00:18:46,347
It's your turn!
515
00:18:46,472 --> 00:18:49,000
- It's your tu...
- [Over intercom] Aw, baby.
516
00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:52,003
[Over intercom]
What's wrong with my baby girl?
517
00:18:52,128 --> 00:18:55,885
Aw, sweetie, I love you.
518
00:18:56,148 --> 00:18:59,010
Yeah, you feel better?
519
00:18:59,135 --> 00:19:01,724
Yeah, we're gonna
let mommy sleep, okay?
520
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:02,847
Aw.
521
00:19:02,972 --> 00:19:04,560
She wants to sleep, yeah.
522
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,271
You got a great mommy.
523
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:10,361
She wants to let me sleep.
524
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:16,527
- Women...
- Are wonderful.
525
00:19:16,652 --> 00:19:18,529
Are nuts.
526
00:19:18,654 --> 00:19:19,784
Dude.
527
00:19:20,072 --> 00:19:23,996
Just when I think I'm getting you.
528
00:19:24,243 --> 00:19:25,252
[Applause]
529
00:19:25,377 --> 00:19:28,083
Thank you to every
single one of my crew members.
530
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:31,545
And last, but most...
531
00:19:31,711 --> 00:19:34,428
I would be remiss if I didn't mention
532
00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:35,763
someone we've lost here recently.
533
00:19:35,888 --> 00:19:37,298
Missy?
534
00:19:37,423 --> 00:19:39,333
- Please, cue the video tribute...
- Cue the video.
535
00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:41,402
That you made for our great
sound technician,
536
00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:43,771
Mr. Dale Salvert.
537
00:19:43,896 --> 00:19:46,774
[Soothing piano music]
538
00:19:46,899 --> 00:19:51,512
♪ ♪
539
00:19:51,637 --> 00:19:55,273
♪ hmm-hmm-hmm ♪
540
00:19:58,043 --> 00:19:59,153
♪ hmm-hmm-hmm ♪
541
00:19:59,278 --> 00:20:02,480
♪ hmm-hmm-ya-hoo ♪
542
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:08,152
♪ mm-mm-mm ♪
543
00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:14,825
♪ zero dependents ♪
544
00:20:17,930 --> 00:20:20,932
♪ single ♪
545
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:28,549
♪ one allowance ♪
546
00:20:28,674 --> 00:20:33,187
♪ 2210 Denslow Avenue ♪
547
00:20:33,312 --> 00:20:37,152
♪ hey-hoo-hey-hoo ♪
548
00:20:39,184 --> 00:20:40,828
♪ Dale Salvert ♪
549
00:20:40,953 --> 00:20:41,962
♪ you gave us ♪
550
00:20:42,087 --> 00:20:43,909
♪ s-o-o-o-o... ♪
551
00:20:44,523 --> 00:20:46,834
Oh, was that it?
552
00:20:46,959 --> 00:20:48,102
Right.
553
00:20:48,227 --> 00:20:49,623
We're gonna miss you,
Dale, we love you.
554
00:20:49,789 --> 00:20:55,462
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
555
00:21:03,899 --> 00:21:06,134
{pub}All right, so
let's do your death clock.
556
00:21:06,259 --> 00:21:08,636
Now you're criteria's
almost identical to mine.
557
00:21:08,761 --> 00:21:10,004
Yeah, pretty much.
558
00:21:10,129 --> 00:21:12,340
How often do you
brush slash floss your teeth?
559
00:21:12,465 --> 00:21:14,275
I brush my teeth every day, but...
560
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:15,443
- Okay.
- Flossing...
561
00:21:15,568 --> 00:21:16,859
I never floss.
I put nothing, let's see.
562
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,379
I don't like to,
it takes up so much more time...
563
00:21:18,504 --> 00:21:20,581
Let's just say if you floss
maybe this will help.
564
00:21:20,706 --> 00:21:21,783
You can't lie to it.
565
00:21:21,908 --> 00:21:22,817
Oh, my God.
566
00:21:22,942 --> 00:21:23,918
[Gasps]
567
00:21:24,043 --> 00:21:26,120
- May 11, 2032.
- That's two more days.
568
00:21:26,245 --> 00:21:27,789
That's two more days with flossing.
569
00:21:27,914 --> 00:21:29,371
- That's two whole days.
- We gotta start flossing.
570
00:21:29,537 --> 00:21:32,537
Let's go floss right now,
we're saving our lives.