At the risk of sounding positive,
I love it when it rains in suburbia.
You don't have to water!
It's already watering.
At the risk of sounding negative,
people are here stupid.
And wasteful.
Do you guys know how much food do we waste?
It's not food. It's garbage.
But it's not. Look.
She's digging through the trash. (Dishes clanking)
See? A perfectly good apple. You can still eat it.
You do... eat, don't you?
We eat.
- I feel bloated. - Let's walk it off.
Yeah. Go burn off that mint.
(Crunches)
I think I had proven my point.
I had also proven that the 5-second rule
is too generous when it comes to produce from the trash.
So, Tessa, things good?
You settling in, making friends?
No unwanted pregnancies I should know about?
Nope. I am without baby.
Great, then I will mark you down as counseled,
and we'll have another personal interaction
in two more months.
Works for me.
You know... (Sighs) This kind of complacency
- really ticks me off. - What?
I asked for chicken and stars, not chicken and rice.
(Sloshes)
It's a pandemic.
Cafeteria incompetence?
Wastefulness.
You guys throw out a lot of food.
That soup was wrong.
If it was right, I would have eaten it.
Totally.
I'm just saying, people who throw out rice
for not being stars might have more
So maybe... Maybe the school could donate
the extra food to the needy instead of dumping it.
The needy... is that with a "Y" or an "I-E"?
The needy? They're with a "Y."
Needy. People who need.
Need.
Food, clothing, help.
Tessa, do you know what this is?
A dramatic mood shift?
Teachable moment, a cause that the students
can get involved in, and you can spearhead.
- I don't normally spearhead. - Impromptu assembly,
poignant video presentation, soulful soundtrack...
Maybe early Sarah McLachlan...
Colorful, stretchy awareness bracels.
I love it!
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com
(Woman) ♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪
♪ da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da ♪
We got the towel warmers. We got a heated floor.
Uh, we got the bidet. That's for Jill,
though she never uses it, though she should.
(Chuckles) Though I wish you hadn't shared that.
(Chuckles) We got the infinity bathtub.
We got the Japanese talking toilet,
and then this is the star of the show...
Walk-in steam shower with multiple heads,
plus one that cleans your undercarriage,
and I'm talking squeaky clean.
Well, what can I say? It's a... It's a killer bathroom, man.
Yes, she is, but do you know the one thing she's missing?
Modesty?
(Chuckles) A skylight. That's why I called you.
Yeah, but I'm really trying to focus on new builds
and renovations.
But you're the skylight king.
Not... not a title I chose.
No, that is a title you earned.
I put in one skylight for Dallas.
Skylight king!
It's not like you're gonna be working for some taskmaster.
You're gonna be working for me, your friend.
Okay.
All right.
Let's... let's build you a skylight.
(Aristocratic voice) Well, thank you, my liege.
Thank you.
Yes. Oh, yes. The king grows weary. Away.
(Chuckles)
(Automated female voice) Why are you throwing away
that food?
You have not eaten it yet.
(Automated male voice) I had my lunch.
This was leftover.
All leftovers go into the trash.
Yes, however, there is still plenty of good food
on your plate.
Who are you, the fascist food police?
Let's get fired up.
(Both) Together we can feed the world.
(Amplified voice) I think we all got the message here today.
We have a problem right here in Chatswin,
and if it weren't for the courage
of a certain redheaded bear,
we wouldn't even be talking about it.
I give you that bear. I give you Tessa Altman.
Come on down.
(Creaks)
(Amplified voice) Um...
Hey, try not to waste so much food.
Questions and comments. Questions and comments.
Questions or comments?
Ahem.
Dalia?
Okay, so one time I was on vacation, right?
And I walked outside my hotel to where the locals live,
and I saw things.
So what did you see?
Suffering. Endless suffering.
Their hair was so frizzy.
Their... hair?
Yeah. The humidity in Orlando is brutal,
and their skin was, like, totally jacked up.
You guys, people are dying over there.
We need to help them!
What can we do?
They're not dying!
Where is Orlando?
Our gardener's name is Orlando.
Guys, the people of Florida are fine. Trust me.
They have the Everglades and assisted living.
We should raise money for them.
(Students murmur)
No! Down.
We should send them clarisonic face brushes.
They're really good for your complexion, you guys.
Mr. Wolfe?
She's not wrong.
They are really good for your complexion.
(Creaks) So it's decided.
Chatswin high school's first semiannual
Florida clarisonic face brush fund-raiser,
and here's the girl that made it all happen... Tessa Altman.
(Cheering)
Okay, that's that. (Sighs)
(Alexandra Stan's "Mr. Saxobeat" :) playing)
Anybody home?
Hello?
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
Whoo!
♪ Mm, yeah ♪
♪ mm, yeah, oh, oh, yeah ♪ (Laughs)
(Gurgles) Mmm.
♪ Mm, yeah, oh, yeah, mm, yeah ♪
Hello.
Wow, you ain't kiddin'.
♪ Mm, yeah, mm, yeah ♪
♪ you make me this, bring me up ♪
(Screaming) Aah!
♪ Make me move ♪
Oh, crap. Aah!
(Grunts) Ow.
(Panting)
- Tessa! - Aah!
Can you believe it? Look what you started?
But it's ridiculous! You realize that, right, Mr. Wolfe?
I mean, we're helping people with oily skin?
Oh, my gosh. You are so right.
People, listen up. (Sighs)
We cannot just target floridians with oily skin.
We must also reach out to those with combination and dry skin.
Spread the word. Good catch, boss.
(Grunts)
(School bell rings)
(Gasps) There she is... the girl that's gonna save Florida.
One face at a time.
That's the spirit, and I should know.
I have run over a hundred charities in my time...
Everything from air beds for the homeless... (Sighs)
To air beds for the elderly.
My brother in law saw your air bed.
Well, have at it, 'cause I'm out.
Wait. What do you mean, you're out? You're the leader.
You're the face of Florida's face.
I mentioned to Mr. Wolfe that maybe we should donate
uneaten food to people who need it.
Dalia is the one who made it about pores.
Yes, but Dalia's talents are better served elsewhere.
She's more of a... muse, but you... you're the worker bee,
gettin' your hands all filthy dirty,
haulin' things with your filthy, dirty hands.
We need you. The people of Florida need you.
Now... I brought these deli platters
for the volunteers. How do they look?
Like a lot of thin meat.
You're right. I did get them prepackaged and on sale.
Maybe I should dump 'em.
Yeah, I'm gonna dump 'em.
And that's when I realized
there was no saving these people.
They were gonna do what they were gonna do,
and there was no point in getting
my filthy little hands dirty...
Unless it was for deli meat.
(Muzak playing)
Mm... there she is,
right along the 29 premolar. (Suction gurgling)
Oh, and a slight occlusal on 28.
Very good, Cindy, and look at all this tartar buildup.
Oh, and see how dull the surfaces are?
I bet he's a grinder. What are you trying to do,
put me out of a job there, eagle eye?
Oh, gosh. No, no. If I couldn't work for you...
(Mouth full) Guys, please.
Oh, sorry, buddy. I'm just consulting with Cindy.
Well, you cracked it, all right.
The good news is, it's above the gumline.
It's called an oblique supragingival fracture.
That's what Wikipedia calls it. I have no idea what it is.
(Giggling)
(Laughing) Because it's...
He's teasing. He knows.
I do. I know.
Noah, man, I'm dying here. Please.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna recommend a crown, all right?
We can dig it out today,
do an impression so you have a temp,
come back later in the week, finish her up.
Easy peasy, extra cheesy.
Well, if it's extra cheesy, I guess we should do it.
All right. A crown for the skylight king.
(Imitates trumpet fanfare)
(Laughs)
Super water fountain smells like patchouli.
Oh, you should see his waiting room.
It is a joke. He has a massage table.
There's, like, rows of different flavors of iced tea.
Maybe I can weaponize it,
and bam!
Kill a guy.
What's going on? You're going dark on me.
All the people I go to school with are morons,
and I'm guilty by association. I give up.
You're too young to give up.
I am the head of the stupidest charity known to mankind.
(Mouth full) That first part sounded impressive.
You're the head.
Look, if people are looking to you as a leader, then lead.
You've got the attention of morons?
- Do something smart with it. - How?
All they care about is how they look or what they drive
or how they look in what they drive.
You can't blame them for being a product of their environment.
They know what they know. They live in a bubble.
I am loving this deli.
George was right. These people were living in a bubble,
and maybe it was up to me to pop it,
like a pimple on a floridian's back.
(Speaking indistinctly)
Ahem. Hey.
So...
You guys know how you live in this sort of... bubble?
This bubble of ignorance?
Oh.
It's not your fault that you live there.
It's just... you haven't been exposed to much.
I have. I used to live outside the bubble,
so today I'm going to expose you to something
that I grew up with every day.
Gladys?
(Wheels squeaking, cans rattling)
This is Gladys.
She's a homeless man that lived on my street.
She's a man?
How does that work?
- (Effeminate voice) Let me take this one. - (Whispers) Okay.
Basically you just... Tuck everything in.
See, um, not everybody is getting their teeth whitened
or... going to the mall
or... Overwatering their lawn.
Some people, like me and Gladys,
understand that there are people out there
that don't have everything they need.
Some people have nothing and live on the street.
West 14th, to be exact.
Gladys and I aren't trying to make you feel bad.
We're just trying to show you
that there are real problems out there worth focusing on...
Problems more severe than bad skin or oily hair,
so, uh, the next time you're about to throw out
$85 worth of deli meat, maybe you'll think twice,
because there are people in need,
and they're a lot closer than Florida.
(Whispers) Thank you.
What?
(Thud) Aah!
$2,600 for a crown?!
(Turns off faucet) Hey, I don't set the prices.
It's your practice!
That's true.
(Chuckles) But what did you expect,
that I wasn't gonna charge you at all?
No, I assumed you were going to give me a discount.
I mean, I-I gave... I gave you a-a break on your skylight.
Well, I didn't assume that. Thanks for the discount.
This is not how friends treat each other, Noah.
Friends give each other a deal.
No, friends do their very best work for one another,
and the best costs money. Look, and I'm not the one
who decided to strip naked and take my shower for a spin.
I had to give my maid the rest of the day off.
She was so freaked out.
Oh, gee. I'm really sorry about that.
Who... who's gonna cube your pineapple for you?
Um, I'm allergic to pineapple.
If you were a real friend, you'd know that,
and just for the record, I was gonna give you a discount,
but I didn't want to insult you,
so if you want, go ahead, cut it in half.
Make it zero, for all I care.
That is very noble of you, man. I really appreciate it,
but I don't need your charity, okay, buddy?
Wait, but, look, why was I expecting a "thank you"?
You know what? Strong and wrong, just like always.
Strong and wrong?
I'm not... I don't even know what that means.
(Deep voice) I'm George, and I'm strong,
and blah, blah, blah, but I'm wrong.
(Laughs) You know what?
Good luck with that hole in your roof. Looks like rain.
Good luck sipping cold beverages!
(Thunder rumbles)
(Lisa) S-so when Gladys says she tucks everything in,
what exactly does that mean?
What does she tuck?
Gladys is a dude.
She's... a man.
Oh. (Chuckles) Right. Right.
(School bell rings)
(Applause and whistles)
I had become their cause du jour.
What's going on?
We heard you, Tessa. We heard you loud and clear,
and we're not worried about Florida anymore.
We're worried about you.
We know you ate that rank meat.
The picture you painted of your life with the homeless...
Devastating, but you're in Chatswin now,
and Chatswin takes care of its own.
Come here, you brave thing.
Somehow I had sent two wrong messages...
One, that I was in need,
and two, that it was okay to touch me.
That night, George discovered what I already knew...
We'd become a charity case.
So here's some canned bisque,
some Egyptian cotton hand towels,
an air multiplier.
We ordered two, one for the cabana,
but you need it more.
Yeah. You ate that rank meat.
Have you been talking to Noah? Is that what this is about?
Because I'm going to take care of that bill.
Oh, George. I would add you to my dental plan if I could,
but I can't, so I brought you
a professional double Belgian waffle maker.
Go on. Take it. It makes two at once.
We know you ed this, George. We all heard Tessa's speech,
and we met her transsexual homeless friend.
Gladys? You... you brought Gladys?
I didn't bring Gladys, no. She took Metro-north.
And, Tessa, Dalia has something for you. Dalia.
(Sighs)
Here. I stole this from the mall.
It's not my color.
Used lip gloss. Wow. I don't know what to say.
I do. Thank you for stopping by our shanty.
We'll see you around the soup kitchen.
Oh. Okay. God bless.
God bless you.
(Door squeaks)
Dad, I'm so sorry.
When I told you to focus your charity on a good cause,
did you decide on us?
I swear that wasn't my intention.
I will... Throw this all out.
Throw it out? No. What?
I was just about to go make some Belgian waffles
and multiply some air.
Ow.
(Doorbell rings)
What?
I just wanted to... to bring this by.
It's a pocket Jesus.
I thought maybe during the hard times,
it would help you see the light.
It's also a light.
Oh. (Click)
Come in. It's just, people have been coming by all night
with the most ridiculous junk.
I mean, look at this.
A soda maker. A snow cone machine?
Who in the world could possibly want any of this stuff?
A snow cone machine?
I-I thought you had to have a license to own one of these.
That's when it hite me.
One man's trash is another man's treasure,
and just 'cause I didn't appreciate this stuff,
it didn't mean there wasn't someone
on West 14th street who would.
"Funtastic."
Hey, Gladys.
You got another one.
Oh, thank you, baby.
(Traffic whistle blows)
Oh, snap! A lighted boccie ball set.
This is all kinds of wonderful.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you!
(Muzak playing)
(Clears throat)
(Door closes)
I knew you were allergic to pineapple.
I was just trying to make a point.
A point of trying to make me feel like an ass?
Look, I'm sorry I blew up at you.
I'm bustin' my butt out here trying to establish myself,
and then I get this huge bill from you,
after you brag about your infinity tub
and your talking toilet, which I still don't even understand.
Yeah. No, I get it. I get it.
Maybe I was showing off a little bit,
but you're a tough man to compete with, George.
Are we in competition?
No. (Sighs)
I mean, back in college, you were the guy.
You got invited to all the great parties.
You got all the hot chicks.
Alissa Berlinger was hot,
but I don't know about the rest of 'em.
(Scoffs)
Okay, maybe some of them were hot, too,
but come on, man. You got Jill.
Yeah, I got Jill. I did.
I...
I just felt like people gave you crap
for hanging out with me.
They did...
But I'm sure people out here give you crap
for hanging out with me.
I'm ke the... the village idiot...
(Chuckles) Or something.
Village idiot? No.
It's just... you're poorer than everyone else,
and some people question your ethnicity.
(Chuckles) Come on.
Let... let's put all of this behind us, all right?
Let's fix that tooth.
Uh, wait, wait.
So we're good?
We're good.
I'm serious, Noah.
I don't want you to work on me if you're still angry.
What's a little fear between friends?
(Whirring)
(Laughing)
Smoothie? I didn't put ice in it.
I know your mouth's still a little sensitive
hey. Look at me. You are a good person.
Mnh. Pfft. Doubtful.
What did I accomplish?
I sent a homeless lady man countertop appliances,
and she doesn't even have a countertop.
(Laughs)
Yeah, but you also made a group of very self-obsessed people
care about someone other than themselves,
and that's huge.
I guess it is.
Yes, it is, and it was you they decided to care about,
and I know why because you are a sweet lady,
and you have a smart heart on your holders.
I'm on pain medication.
I know, dad. Whoa. I know.
Go to sleep, okay?
Mm-hmm.
(Chuckles) Sleep.
(Whispers) Sleep.
Gladys?
(Gladys) Hey, girl.
Justanted to thank you for the blessings.
I sold most of that crap you sent me
and used the money to buy a pop-up tent,
so... (Chuckles) If you ever need a place
to stay in the city, girl... (Singsongy) Call me.
(Normal voice) I also bought a prepaid cell phone,
which has made turning tricks a whole lot easier.
Good looking out, Gladys.
I can't believe he has her own stationery.
(Scoffs)
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com
Honey, what is all this?
Hey! Hey, mom?
I'm trying to write this stupid college essay question,
and I really don't even know where to start. Okay, what's the question? Tell me.
"What's the biggest obstacle you've ever had to overcome?"
Didn't my third grade teacher say I had,
like, a.D.D. Or something?
Oh, no, honey.
She said you couldn't a-d-d, and she put it that way
because she also knew you couldn't s-p-e-l-l.
Wait, slow down... Ohh!
Sweetheart? What's this?
We talked about this last week.