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Episode 9x12
"Trapped In The Closet"
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Oh dude, check it out.
I got a Jake Plummer.
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Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again!
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How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?
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I can't spend any money.
I'm saving up for that bike I want.
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HA! Saving money, duhhh!
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So what should we do now? It's Saturday,
we have to have as much fun as possible.
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Hey, I know!
Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.
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No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys.
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Let's just do something fun that's free.
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Stan, don't you know
the first law of physics?
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Anything that's fun costs
at least eight dollars.
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Yeah dude, nothing fun is free.
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Well I can't spend any money.
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Okay, be a Jew.
We're gonna go play laser tag.
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Yeah. See ya.
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Hello, would you like to
take a personality test?
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It's fun and it's free.
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Excuse me?
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We're doing free personality tests today.
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Uh what do I have to do?
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Have you heard of Scientology?
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It's all based on the book, Dianetics.
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A lot of really cool people are Scientologists,
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like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
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Pourquoi tu n'entres pas?
On pourrait commencer ton test de personnalité.
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Why don't you come on in
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and we'll get your fun free
personality test started.
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Hey Brian.
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Hey Kelly. How's it going?
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Great! I want you to
meet my new friend, Stan.
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Hey there! How are you?
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Fine.
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Brian's gonna give you
your personality test
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and then let you know some
things about Scientology.
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Good times, good times!
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L-look, is this a religion?
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Because my family is like,
Catholic or something.
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Ho, that's not a problem at all.
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Scientology is more like an alternative
to psychology than a religion.
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Then how come that sign says
"Church of Scientology"?
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Oho, that's just this thing:
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What's the Denver Broncos' record now?
Six and two?
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Seven and two.
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Wow! That's great! All right, come on in
and take a seat, we're gonna have some fun!
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All right now, I'm just gonna
ask you a few questions.
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Just answer these questions as
truthfully as you can, alright?
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Okay. Number 1:
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Do you ever make remarks...
which you later regret?
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Uhhh, sh-sure?
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Uh huh. Would you rather give
orders... than take them?
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Yeah?
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Do you ever whistle...
just for the fun of it.
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Ohhhkay, and finally, does life sometimes
feel vague and confusing to you?
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Yes.
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Okay, Stan. Well, that's it.
That's the end of the personality test.
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So how did I do?
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Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan
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but... you are one messed-up kid.
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Huh?
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Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely
miserable and totally depressed.
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I am? I didn't know that!
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Well there's certainly no question that
you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.
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I think it can really
make you happy again.
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What what do I do?
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It's very simple. We just need
two hundred and forty dollars.
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Stanley, you haven't touched your
food. What's the matter with you?
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I'm totally depressed.
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What? Why?
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I don't know.
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Well how long have you
been feeling this way?
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I'm not sure. But...
I need two hundred and forty dollars.
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Two hundred and forty dollars?!
What'd you do, break something?!
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No, I found a self-help
program that can cure me.
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Ohhh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley.
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But I'm completely miserable
and these people can help!
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Stanley, I didn't know
you were miserable.
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Neither did I!
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Stanley, do you have any
concept of money at all?
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Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?
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Don't you care that I'm depressed?!
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What if I become suicidal, or, or
become an alcoholic like Grandpa?
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Well, if you really think
your life is so bad, Stan
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why don't you take what you
have out of your bicycle savings?!
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Well but... but that's my money.
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Yeah, well just like the rest of us,
you have to make choices with your money.
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Do you want a bike, or do
you not want to be depressed?
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Michelle, our friend Stan
wants to have auditing.
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Oho good, you're going to be so happy.
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I hope so.
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It's the beginning of a whole new
life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards.
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Great, so do you have the
two hundred and forty dollars?
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Perfect! We're on our way!
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Come on over here and I'll fill you
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in on how the Church of
Scientology works.
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You see, Stan, scientology was founded
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by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.
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Mr. Hubbard discovered
that negative emotions
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are actually caused by
things called "body thetans."
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Really?
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Yes! And being the genius
that he was, Mr. Hubbard
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invented a way to get
rid of those bad thetans.
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This is called an E-meter.
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It's the main tool of Scientology.
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You just grab a hold of
these handles as
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I talk you through past
experiences in your life.
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I'll be taking readings here
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and we'll be able to determine
your thetan levels.
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Thetan levels.
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Come on in the auditing room
and I'll show you how it works.
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All these people are just like you,
Stan, auditing with E-meters
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to get rid of their negative emotions.
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All right, Stan,
I want you to just relax
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and take hold of the E-meter handles.
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So, this is gonna make me happy?
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Just take a few deep breaths
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and I'll just get a base
reading of your thetan levels.
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Hnh, that's, that's strange.
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What?
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Somethin...
something's wrong.
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Brian, could you come
over here a second?
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Yep. Oh hey there, Greg!
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Stan.
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Will you... look at his thetan levels?
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Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter
this one's obviously broken.
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Sorry about this, Greg.
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And so we just try to
analyze your personality
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and if it seems like
you need some help
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then you can have an audit
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counseling for a nominal fee.
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Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.
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Mike, I need to talk to you!
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Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back.
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Are you all right? You're sweating!
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Take a look at this.
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What is it?
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The E-meter results from
the little boy in Room D.
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This... this can't be right.
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We ran the tests four times!
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We used four different E-meters!
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Fax these results to the
head office in Los Angeles.
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The president has to see thus right away.
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Go! Now!
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The boy is from a small
mountain town in Colorado, sir.
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Sir, how can it be that a first timer
scores that kind of thetan level?
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He registered OT9!
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I'm only OT7 and I've been
in the church all my life!
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I've waited...
forty-two years... for this day.
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Sir?
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Don't you all see what this means?
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There was only one person
who EVER registered
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OT9 in the history of our church.
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L. Ron Hubbard said he
had lived past lives.
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That when he died his thetan
would show itself again.
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Our prophet has returned.
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Uh, Stanley, take the garbage
out before you go to bed.
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I took out the garbage yesterday.
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Right now, Stan!
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Stupid dumb garbage!
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There he is!
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Thank you for returning!
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He's wonderful.
He's wonderful.
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Stan! What the hell did you do?!
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I don't know!
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Hello young man.
I'm the head of Scientology.
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It is... a great honor to meet you!
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All right, what the hell
is going on here?!
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We've been looking for your
son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
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He is the reincarnation of our
church's most famous prophet.
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What?
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Scientologists the world over are
simply rejoicing at his second coming.
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Look, we don't want our son
to join your group, okay?
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We're not asking him to join us
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we're asking him... to lead us.
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Oh my God, it's John Travolta!
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Is this where he lives? Is this
where L. Ron Hubbart is? Oh my God!
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Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise
are big Scientologists.
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Do you believe me now?
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Young man, I know you
don't remember it
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but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard.
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You revealed the secret that began
the whole Church of Scientology.
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Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to
your room and get ready for bed!
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Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
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Jesus Christ...
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L. Ron? L. Ron!
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It really is you!
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Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!
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Aw dude, I need to go to bed.
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Don't you understand, L. Ron?
It's me! Tom Cruise!
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Yeah, I know who you are.
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Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron?
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Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
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Which film did you like best?
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Well-h. I mean, you're not like
as good as Leonardo di Caprio,
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but you're okay, I guess.
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What?
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I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
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or that guy who played Napoleon
Dynamite, but you're okay.
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] I'm nothing.
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I'm a failure in the eyes
of the Prophet! Aaah!
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Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
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Go away!
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Dude, this is my rooom!
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Go away, I said!
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Dad! Tom Cruise won't
come out of the closet!
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What?!
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Tom Cruise locked himself in
my closet and he won't come out.
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Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise,
come out of the closet.
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No!
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Come on, Mr. Crusie, this is ridiculous.
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I'm never coming out!
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What did you say to him?
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I just told him I thought the
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Napoleon Dynamite guy is
a better actor than he is.
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Oh boy.
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Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay
in the closet, alright?
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You need to come out.
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What's going on?
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Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
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What?
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Just leave me alone!
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Well, we CAN'T leave you alone
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because YOU won't come out of the closet!
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It's been four hours now
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and Tom Cruise still will
not come out of the closet.
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Hundreds of onlookers
here have gathered here in
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hopes that the celebrity
will finally give in.
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Tom Cruise, this is Park County police!
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Please come out of the closet.
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Everybody here just wants you
to come out of the closet, Tom.
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Nobody's gonna be mad,
everything's gonna be all right.
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Just come out of the closet.
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We're still not exactly sure
why Tom Cruise is in the closet
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but I'm being joined now by
famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
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Well I was just standing here
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and Tom Cruise locked
himself in the closet.
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I asked myself why won't Tom
Cruise just come out the closet?
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Nobody has no answers
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and so I pull out my gun!
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Tell my why Tom Cruise in the closet
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or else I'm gonna shoot someone!
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Please, understand we just want
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what is best for your son.
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The reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard must be taken care of.
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He had many enemies.
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Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard
a science-fiction writer?
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Yes. But he was also a prophet...
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00:11:26,963 --> 00:11:29,963
who knew the secret truth
about the nature of life.
249
00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:33,063
This is just too much.
250
00:11:33,363 --> 00:11:37,263
We want to reveal to Stan the great
secret of life behind our church.
251
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,463
The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine.
252
00:11:40,663 --> 00:11:43,663
Please, your son deserves to be enlightened.
253
00:11:44,263 --> 00:11:45,863
Stan, do you want to hear
the great secret
254
00:11:45,863 --> 00:11:47,963
doctrine of life behind Scientology?
255
00:11:48,663 --> 00:11:49,463
Sure.
256
00:11:49,763 --> 00:11:51,163
All right, go ahead and tell him.
257
00:11:52,063 --> 00:11:53,463
Would you excuse us, please?
258
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,563
This is highly-classified
church information.
259
00:11:56,263 --> 00:11:57,563
Aw rats.
260
00:11:58,863 --> 00:12:00,663
Usually, to hear the secret doctrine
261
00:12:00,663 --> 00:12:02,763
you have to be in the church
for several years, Stan.
262
00:12:03,163 --> 00:12:04,863
Are you ready to hear the truth?
263
00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:06,963
I guess.
264
00:12:07,063 --> 00:12:08,963
You see, Stan, there is a reason
265
00:12:08,963 --> 00:12:10,763
for people feeling sad and depressed.
266
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:12,863
An alien reason.
267
00:12:13,263 --> 00:12:16,563
It all began 75 million years ago.
268
00:12:17,263 --> 00:12:19,963
Back then there was a galactinc
federation of planets
269
00:12:19,963 --> 00:12:22,863
which was ruled over
by the evil Lord Xenu.
270
00:12:25,163 --> 00:12:27,463
Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated
271
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,963
and so he rounded up countless aliens
from all different planets
272
00:12:30,963 --> 00:12:33,063
and then had those aliens frozen.
273
00:12:35,263 --> 00:12:38,063
Les Scientologues croient
vraiment à ça.
274
00:12:38,563 --> 00:12:41,563
The frozen alien bodies were loaded
onto Xenu's galactic cruisers
275
00:12:41,863 --> 00:12:44,863
which looked like DC-8s,
except with rocket engines.
276
00:12:44,963 --> 00:12:47,763
The cruisers then took the frozen
alien bodies to our planet
277
00:12:47,863 --> 00:12:48,663
to Earth
278
00:12:48,863 --> 00:12:51,163
and dumped them into
the volcanoes of Hawaii.
279
00:12:52,663 --> 00:12:55,363
The aliens were no longer frozen,
they were dead.
280
00:12:55,963 --> 00:12:58,663
The souls of those aliens,
however, lived on
281
00:12:58,663 --> 00:13:00,563
and all floated up towards the sky.
282
00:13:01,263 --> 00:13:03,563
But the evil Lord Xenu
had prepared for this.
283
00:13:05,363 --> 00:13:07,363
Xenu didn't want their souls to return!
284
00:13:07,563 --> 00:13:10,163
And so he built giant
soul-catchers in the sky!
285
00:13:11,963 --> 00:13:15,263
The souls were taken to a huge
soul brain-washing facility
286
00:13:15,263 --> 00:13:17,063
which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth.
287
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,363
There the souls were forced to watch
days of brainwashing material
288
00:13:20,663 --> 00:13:22,963
whiched tricked them into
believing a false reality.
289
00:13:23,463 --> 00:13:25,363
Xenu then released the alien souls
290
00:13:25,563 --> 00:13:28,563
which roamed the earth aimlessly
in a fog of confusion.
291
00:13:28,863 --> 00:13:30,463
At the dawn of man
292
00:13:30,463 --> 00:13:33,363
the souls finally found bodies
which they can grab onto.
293
00:13:33,363 --> 00:13:35,963
They attached themselves to all mankind
294
00:13:35,963 --> 00:13:38,363
which still to this day
causes all our fears
295
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:40,963
our confusions and our problems.
296
00:13:44,263 --> 00:13:46,363
L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing
297
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:48,263
telling the world this
incredible truth.
298
00:13:48,563 --> 00:13:50,663
Now all we're asking you to do...
299
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,363
is pick up where he left off.
300
00:13:52,763 --> 00:13:54,563
But I don't know any of this stuff.
301
00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:56,763
Neither did L. Ron when he started.
302
00:13:56,863 --> 00:13:58,463
He said he just closed his eyes
303
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,463
and wrote down whatever came to mind.
304
00:14:00,663 --> 00:14:01,863
You can do the same.
305
00:14:01,863 --> 00:14:03,263
Just let it flow.
306
00:14:03,663 --> 00:14:04,763
Okay, I'll try.
307
00:14:05,163 --> 00:14:06,563
I just wish I could write in my room
308
00:14:06,563 --> 00:14:07,863
but Tom Cruise won't
come out of the closet.
309
00:14:08,163 --> 00:14:10,963
I know. We've send Nicole Kidman
up there to see if she can help.
310
00:14:14,063 --> 00:14:15,263
Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.
311
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:17,663
Ah hi Nicole.
312
00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:20,363
Tom, don't you think this
has gone on long enough?
313
00:14:20,763 --> 00:14:22,863
It's time for you to come
out of the closet.
314
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,763
I'm not, I'm not in the closet.
315
00:14:25,763 --> 00:14:26,963
Yes you are, Tom.
316
00:14:27,163 --> 00:14:29,463
And you need to just end
this and come out.
317
00:14:31,563 --> 00:14:33,463
I'm not gonna think any
differently of you.
318
00:14:33,663 --> 00:14:35,463
Kate's not gonna think
any differently of you.
319
00:14:35,663 --> 00:14:37,963
You don't need to be in
that closet anymore, Tom.
320
00:14:38,563 --> 00:14:40,163
I'm not in here, though.
321
00:14:40,763 --> 00:14:41,863
Yes, you are.
322
00:14:43,363 --> 00:14:44,963
I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.
323
00:14:45,563 --> 00:14:47,463
Then how am I talking to you, Tom?
324
00:14:50,263 --> 00:14:52,563
Tom, you can't hide
forever just because
325
00:14:52,563 --> 00:14:55,163
the reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard doesn't like your acting.
326
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:58,163
Come out of the closet, Tom.
327
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,063
You're not fooling anyone.
328
00:15:06,163 --> 00:15:06,863
I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.
329
00:15:07,663 --> 00:15:09,963
Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies.
330
00:15:10,263 --> 00:15:12,663
I can't. I'm writing a new
sacred doctrine for my church.
331
00:15:13,863 --> 00:15:17,263
Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned
about this cult that you're getting into.
332
00:15:17,363 --> 00:15:19,563
Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle.
333
00:15:19,563 --> 00:15:21,663
I've read all this stuff
and it's based on fact.
334
00:15:21,763 --> 00:15:23,963
Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was
a science-fiction writer.
335
00:15:23,963 --> 00:15:25,763
He lived on a boat with only young boys
336
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:27,863
and got busted by the
feds numerous times.
337
00:15:27,863 --> 00:15:28,963
I did not!
338
00:15:28,963 --> 00:15:30,763
Those are rumors put out by people
339
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,363
who are afraid because they
don't know the secret truth.
340
00:15:32,963 --> 00:15:34,363
What secret truth?
341
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:36,763
I can't tell you unless you pay
for a few years of audit counseling!
342
00:15:36,963 --> 00:15:38,363
All I know is that I was depressed before
343
00:15:38,363 --> 00:15:39,963
and now I found meaning!
344
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,163
I didn't know you were depressed.
345
00:15:41,463 --> 00:15:42,063
Neither did I!
346
00:15:42,363 --> 00:15:43,763
But now, if you guys can't accept
347
00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:45,063
this great thing I belong to
348
00:15:45,063 --> 00:15:46,663
then I suppose we're
no longer friends!
349
00:15:51,663 --> 00:15:53,263
Stan, I just want you to know
350
00:15:53,263 --> 00:15:55,163
that I still hate Kyle more than you.
351
00:16:01,237 --> 00:16:03,737
Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta.
352
00:16:04,837 --> 00:16:05,737
Oh hey John.
353
00:16:05,737 --> 00:16:08,137
Tom, you've gotta come out
of the closet. Oh my Gahd.
354
00:16:08,437 --> 00:16:10,737
L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think
I'm a great actor.
355
00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:14,037
Mm-maybe you took what
he said out of context.
356
00:16:14,637 --> 00:16:17,337
Okay, 's like, if you don't come out
357
00:16:17,437 --> 00:16:19,337
can I at least come in and talk to you?
358
00:16:21,137 --> 00:16:22,737
Oh... Okay, but no tricks.
359
00:16:23,137 --> 00:16:24,037
No tricks.
360
00:16:29,837 --> 00:16:31,537
Hey, it's really nice n here.
361
00:16:31,537 --> 00:16:32,237
Yeah, see?
362
00:16:32,437 --> 00:16:34,337
I feel really safe.
Oh my Gahd.
363
00:16:36,937 --> 00:16:39,037
Hello? Hey, come out of there!
364
00:16:39,237 --> 00:16:41,837
Tom, it now appears that John Travolta
365
00:16:41,837 --> 00:16:44,837
is also in the closet
and he refuses to come out.
366
00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:48,237
Here with more details
once again, is R. Kelly.
367
00:16:48,537 --> 00:16:50,637
I was just standing here.
368
00:16:50,837 --> 00:16:52,737
Tom Cruise locked himself
in the closet.
369
00:16:53,037 --> 00:16:54,837
Then John Travolta come
370
00:16:55,037 --> 00:16:56,837
and now, John Travolta
in the closet too.
371
00:16:57,137 --> 00:17:00,437
Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta
come out the closet!
372
00:17:00,637 --> 00:17:04,037
But then I calm myself down
and I pull out my gun!
373
00:17:04,737 --> 00:17:06,237
Oh geez, here we go with the gun again.
374
00:17:06,537 --> 00:17:08,537
If Tom Cruise and John Travolta
don't come out the closet
375
00:17:08,537 --> 00:17:10,037
I'm gonna cap this biiitch!
376
00:17:12,037 --> 00:17:14,837
Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan!
377
00:17:15,337 --> 00:17:18,237
I wrote that um, our followers
shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore
378
00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:20,437
because they're too much
like Xenu's evil cruisers.
379
00:17:20,637 --> 00:17:23,137
Yes, of course! So wonderful!
380
00:17:23,437 --> 00:17:25,037
And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu
381
00:17:25,037 --> 00:17:26,537
was recently broken
out of galactic jail.
382
00:17:26,737 --> 00:17:27,737
Yes, of course!
383
00:17:28,037 --> 00:17:30,237
And best of all, I wrote that
all the Scientologists
384
00:17:30,237 --> 00:17:32,337
should no longer have to
pay money to belong.
385
00:17:33,137 --> 00:17:33,937
What?
386
00:17:33,937 --> 00:17:35,737
I realize that to really be a church
387
00:17:35,737 --> 00:17:37,537
we can't charge people for help.
388
00:17:37,937 --> 00:17:38,937
What are you, stupid?!
389
00:17:39,137 --> 00:17:41,037
Then how do we make money
from those people?!
390
00:17:42,337 --> 00:17:44,937
Well, it's not about the money,
it's about the message, right?
391
00:17:45,637 --> 00:17:47,337
Waait a minute, whoa, whoa!
392
00:17:47,537 --> 00:17:50,037
You don't actually believe
this crap, do you?
393
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,737
Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?
394
00:17:54,837 --> 00:17:56,437
E-meters and thetan levels?
395
00:17:56,637 --> 00:17:58,837
Those people out there buy that crap
396
00:17:58,837 --> 00:18:01,337
and I thought YOU were smart enough
to see what was really going on!
397
00:18:01,837 --> 00:18:02,637
But you said that there were...
398
00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:04,337
What's better than telling
people a stupid story
399
00:18:04,337 --> 00:18:06,337
and having them believe you?!
400
00:18:06,837 --> 00:18:08,837
Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
401
00:18:09,637 --> 00:18:10,937
But then, why me?
402
00:18:11,137 --> 00:18:12,937
Why do you need me to write
something so badly?
403
00:18:12,937 --> 00:18:16,537
Because if those people all think you're
the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
404
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,137
then they'll all buy your new writings
405
00:18:19,137 --> 00:18:22,137
and you and I together will
make three million dollars!
406
00:18:22,937 --> 00:18:24,137
Three milliion dollars?
407
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,637
That's how the scam works!
408
00:18:25,937 --> 00:18:28,937
But this is a scam on a global scale!
409
00:18:29,237 --> 00:18:30,737
Do you fucking get me now?!
410
00:18:32,637 --> 00:18:34,437
Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
411
00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:37,237
Then keep writing, L. Ron!
Your people are waiting.
412
00:18:38,537 --> 00:18:40,237
Breaking news here in South Park.
413
00:18:40,337 --> 00:18:44,037
Tom Cruise and John Travolta still...
will not come out of the closet.
414
00:18:44,237 --> 00:18:46,837
Park County police have
decided to try a new method.
415
00:18:50,137 --> 00:18:52,237
I've been asked to come up here
416
00:18:52,237 --> 00:18:54,437
get you both out of the closet.
417
00:18:54,837 --> 00:18:56,637
Man, this is some crazy shit.
418
00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:59,837
Why won't you both just come out
the closet? And they said...
419
00:19:00,837 --> 00:19:02,937
We're not comin' out the closet
420
00:19:03,137 --> 00:19:05,037
so you can just go away.
421
00:19:05,337 --> 00:19:07,437
But everyone wants you
out the closet.
422
00:19:07,737 --> 00:19:09,937
That doesn't matter '
cause we're gonna stay.
423
00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:11,837
Now I'm startin' to get angry
424
00:19:12,037 --> 00:19:13,537
so I pull out my gun!
425
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,537
I'm gonna give you a count of
three to open this closet door.
426
00:19:17,537 --> 00:19:19,537
1. I'm gonna shoot you both.
427
00:19:19,537 --> 00:19:21,537
2. I'm gonna cap some bitch.
428
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:22,337
3...
429
00:19:29,637 --> 00:19:31,437
Now I'm in the closet.
430
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,537
Now I'm in the closet too.
431
00:19:34,337 --> 00:19:36,137
My fellow Scientologists!
432
00:19:36,137 --> 00:19:38,537
Our prophet has finished his new doctrine
433
00:19:38,537 --> 00:19:40,637
and will now read some
passages before making
434
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:43,137
it available to you all
for a nominal fee.
435
00:19:45,337 --> 00:19:49,037
I give you...
the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!
436
00:19:57,437 --> 00:19:58,437
Uh, thanks.
437
00:19:58,437 --> 00:20:01,937
So, first of all, I've written
that the brainwashed alien ghosts
438
00:20:01,937 --> 00:20:05,337
are actually from a
galaxy called Nubanon.
439
00:20:08,437 --> 00:20:09,837
Ohhhh.
440
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:18,737
And uh, oh, I... I can't do this.
441
00:20:19,037 --> 00:20:20,037
Huh, what?
442
00:20:20,337 --> 00:20:23,637
Look, everybody, we're all
looking for answer, you know.
443
00:20:24,537 --> 00:20:27,537
We all want to understand who
we are and where we come from
444
00:20:27,937 --> 00:20:30,837
but... sometimes we want to know
the answers so badly that we...
445
00:20:30,837 --> 00:20:32,437
believe just about anything.
446
00:20:32,937 --> 00:20:34,137
- Huh?
- What?
447
00:20:35,237 --> 00:20:37,337
I'm not the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard.
448
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,937
And... Scientology is just
a big fat global scam.
449
00:20:43,937 --> 00:20:46,037
Oh! We are gonna sue you!
450
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:46,537
What?
451
00:20:46,737 --> 00:20:48,937
Yeah, you think you can say
our religion is a lie?!
452
00:20:49,237 --> 00:20:50,537
We'll sue you, buddy!
453
00:20:50,637 --> 00:20:51,837
YOU told me it was a lie!
454
00:20:52,037 --> 00:20:53,737
Ho, now you're puttin'
words in MY mouth!
455
00:20:53,937 --> 00:20:55,637
You are sooo sued!
456
00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:57,937
You can't make fun of Scientology, kid!
457
00:20:58,137 --> 00:21:00,437
We are gonna sue your ass
and your balls!
458
00:21:00,537 --> 00:21:01,737
Yeah, that's right!
459
00:21:02,037 --> 00:21:04,637
How dare you mock our faith,
you little punk?!
460
00:21:04,837 --> 00:21:06,937
You'll be hearing from
our lawyers tomorrow!
461
00:21:07,037 --> 00:21:09,537
We've just had an incredible
development here, Mitch.
462
00:21:09,737 --> 00:21:14,237
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly
have all come out of the closet!
463
00:21:17,337 --> 00:21:19,137
So you're NOT the prophet, huh?!
464
00:21:19,337 --> 00:21:21,937
You made me look stupid!
I'm gonna sue you too!
465
00:21:21,937 --> 00:21:23,637
Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!
466
00:21:23,737 --> 00:21:25,937
I will! I'll sue you in England!
467
00:21:26,037 --> 00:21:27,937
You are so sued, kid!
468
00:21:28,137 --> 00:21:29,737
Well go on, then! Sue me!
469
00:21:29,937 --> 00:21:31,237
We're going to!
470
00:21:31,537 --> 00:21:34,337
Okay, good! Do it!
I'm not scared of you!
471
00:21:34,437 --> 00:21:35,237
Sue me!
472
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:44,337
Transcript: spscriptorium Smith
english sync: John Smith