1
00:00:04,842 --> 00:00:06,886
- Hey.
- Hey!
2
00:00:07,011 --> 00:00:08,550
What's in the package?
3
00:00:08,716 --> 00:00:10,056
Oh, don't tell me, I love this game.
4
00:00:10,181 --> 00:00:12,387
What did I order online the
other night when I was drunk?
5
00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:15,015
Uh, Mexican Xanax?
6
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:19,144
Sweat pants with underwear built in?
7
00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:20,896
No, it's an urn.
8
00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:23,853
I ordered an urn?
9
00:00:23,978 --> 00:00:27,152
I gotta stop drinking Kahlua.
10
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,607
No, it's my dog.
11
00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:31,323
My folks sent sarge's ashes.
12
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:32,911
Oh, honey.
13
00:00:33,036 --> 00:00:35,035
I know how much you love sarge.
14
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,716
Wow, I was okay when they told me,
15
00:00:36,841 --> 00:00:38,184
but now it's kind of sinking in
16
00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:39,602
that he's gone, you know?
17
00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:42,088
I mean, I've never not had a dog.
18
00:00:42,213 --> 00:00:46,225
Well, why don't we get one?
19
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:47,631
You really wanna get a dog?
20
00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:49,094
Totally, I've never had one.
21
00:00:49,219 --> 00:00:51,664
Well, one year for Christmas
my dad stole us a poodle,
22
00:00:51,789 --> 00:00:55,534
but the reward got so high
that he gave it back.
23
00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:57,808
You know that a dog is, like,
a really big commitment, right?
24
00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:02,354
Yeah! And no one is
better at commitment than me.
25
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,344
Okay, marriage is not
my favorite thing
26
00:01:05,469 --> 00:01:08,276
at this particular juncture,
27
00:01:08,442 --> 00:01:11,384
but when I commit,
I commit hard, okay?
28
00:01:11,509 --> 00:01:13,085
I mean, I am still
wearing the same bra
29
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,993
I wore in the 7th grade.
30
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:18,841
My email address is at aol, okay?
31
00:01:18,966 --> 00:01:24,376
I pay for email.
32
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,378
- You really wanna get a dog?
- Yes.
33
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:27,963
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
34
00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,068
- Okay!
- Yeah.
35
00:01:29,193 --> 00:01:31,508
- Can we name him mister...?
- No, no.
36
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,844
- Can we name him...?
- No.
37
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,262
You didn't even know
what I was gonna say.
38
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,888
Were you gonna say
names of famous people?
39
00:01:37,054 --> 00:01:37,877
I don't know, I just really wanna
40
00:01:38,002 --> 00:01:41,476
be able to neuter Mel Gibson.
41
00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:44,383
Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience,
44
00:01:49,129 --> 00:01:50,873
You got the web on that?
45
00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:51,903
Yeah.
46
00:01:52,069 --> 00:01:56,032
Nice. I love the web.
47
00:01:56,198 --> 00:01:58,744
I haven't checked
my stocks in a while.
48
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,499
Oh, how's blockbuster doing?
49
00:02:00,624 --> 00:02:01,621
Oh, honey, I told you,
50
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:04,537
Neil does this for a living, okay?
51
00:02:04,662 --> 00:02:06,293
He can help you
with your investments.
52
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:10,543
Plus, this is a chance for you
guys to have your own friendship
53
00:02:10,668 --> 00:02:11,965
outside of me.
54
00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:15,180
Whoa! Everybody stop.
55
00:02:15,305 --> 00:02:16,678
Have you seen When Harry met Sally?
56
00:02:17,274 --> 00:02:18,884
Men and women cannot be friends.
57
00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:20,419
Men wanna have sex with everything,
58
00:02:20,544 --> 00:02:23,894
and women just
aren't that interesting.
59
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,859
Uh, have you seen
When Harry met Sally?
60
00:02:26,984 --> 00:02:29,775
- Hi.
- Hey!
61
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,569
You guys, Alex and I
have an announcement to make.
62
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:33,716
Oh, my God!
63
00:02:33,841 --> 00:02:36,448
Don't do it, man, this is a mistake!
64
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,838
Whitney is just gonna get crazier.
65
00:02:38,963 --> 00:02:40,539
Plus the day after you say "I do,"
66
00:02:40,664 --> 00:02:41,974
she is gonna cut her hair short,
67
00:02:42,099 --> 00:02:43,789
they all do.
68
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:46,500
No, look, we're not getting married.
69
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,460
We're just... we're getting a dog.
70
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:51,129
Oh, wow!
71
00:02:51,295 --> 00:02:53,298
Getting a dog is a big deal.
72
00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:54,436
Yeah, it's like having a kid,
73
00:02:54,561 --> 00:02:57,969
except you still get to
participate in society.
74
00:02:58,135 --> 00:02:59,221
Anyway, what kind of dog
are you gonna get?
75
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,430
I don't know yet, but...
76
00:03:00,596 --> 00:03:01,765
You guys should rescue a dog.
77
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:03,195
It's like with women,
you wanna get one
78
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,897
that's just damaged enough
79
00:03:05,022 --> 00:03:08,563
that she's grateful to be indoors.
80
00:03:14,214 --> 00:03:16,542
Yeah, you're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
81
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:17,864
Look at you.
82
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:20,492
You're a good boy too, hi.
83
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,786
Oh, you're a handsome boy.
84
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,497
You're a handsome boy too, yeah.
85
00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:29,459
Okay, you're both
equally good and handsome.
86
00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:33,046
Alex, do you have any
allergies other than spermicide?
87
00:03:34,318 --> 00:03:37,096
No, I'm good.
88
00:03:37,221 --> 00:03:39,064
Wait a minute, this is weird.
89
00:03:39,189 --> 00:03:41,930
Under "relationship," they
only have "single" or "married."
90
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:42,889
They don't have what we are.
91
00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,724
Just put in "single,"
it doesn't matter.
92
00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:45,771
But we're not single.
93
00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:46,789
Single is when you're dating.
94
00:03:46,914 --> 00:03:48,340
If I was single, I'd be passed out
95
00:03:48,465 --> 00:03:49,542
on some strangers futon,
96
00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:53,879
dehydrated and covered in glitter.
97
00:03:54,004 --> 00:03:55,881
Um, excuse me, ma'am?
98
00:03:56,006 --> 00:03:58,083
Hi, uh, your form is broken.
99
00:03:58,208 --> 00:03:59,552
Um...
100
00:03:59,677 --> 00:04:02,367
Uh, you don't have a box
for what our relationship is.
101
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,994
And what is your relationship?
102
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,057
Oh, uh, we're not married,
but we've been together
103
00:04:05,182 --> 00:04:06,121
for three years.
104
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:10,029
Aw, he won't propose?
105
00:04:10,154 --> 00:04:13,599
No, um, we are happily unmarried.
106
00:04:13,724 --> 00:04:18,758
If I had a soul,
he would be its mate.
107
00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:21,807
Well, you're gonna
have to fill out separate forms.
108
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:24,014
Because you're not married,
that means you're single.
109
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,474
Hey, look who's in daddy's shirt.
110
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,809
Ho-ho!
111
00:04:27,975 --> 00:04:32,480
I'm gonna die from tickles.
112
00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:34,219
Uh...
113
00:04:34,344 --> 00:04:35,955
Um, I don't think you understand.
114
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,157
It's just... we're, uh,
married, just not legally.
115
00:04:38,282 --> 00:04:39,696
We don't need
a piece of paper, you know?
116
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:44,326
Mm, no, you're gonna
need two pieces of paper.
117
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,715
And we have to schedule a home visit.
118
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:47,954
There's a home visit?
119
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,368
Of course, we have to make sure
120
00:04:49,493 --> 00:04:51,537
our dogs are in stable households.
121
00:04:51,662 --> 00:04:54,628
And, you know, I don't
wanna say that you just dating
122
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,171
is a red flag,
123
00:04:56,337 --> 00:05:00,913
but we've all seen Teen Mom.
124
00:05:01,038 --> 00:05:02,514
Heh...
125
00:05:02,639 --> 00:05:05,217
Okay, um, so you do home visits
126
00:05:05,342 --> 00:05:06,681
for married people too?
127
00:05:06,847 --> 00:05:09,521
Look, this shelter
is full of dogs that were
128
00:05:09,646 --> 00:05:11,811
abandoned by
unmarried couples who broke up.
129
00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:15,193
I have one little guy back there
who is so scared,
130
00:05:15,318 --> 00:05:18,151
he won't come out of his purse.
131
00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:21,112
Okay, I'm actually not
looking for an accessory, so...
132
00:05:21,278 --> 00:05:22,368
Hmm, don't worry.
133
00:05:22,493 --> 00:05:25,242
Doesn't look like
he's getting you one.
134
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,995
Heh, can I talk to someone
who's still alive inside?
135
00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:30,509
Oh, like somebody else
who owns this rescue?
136
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,177
No, I don't have any other partners,
137
00:05:32,302 --> 00:05:33,579
just my husband...
138
00:05:33,704 --> 00:05:35,085
And Jesus.
139
00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:37,754
Ugh, what are you doing?
140
00:05:38,308 --> 00:05:43,134
Oh, my God,
I'm on a cloud of puppies.
141
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:44,719
Yeah...
142
00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:47,993
We very much
look forward to having you
143
00:05:48,118 --> 00:05:50,987
and the lord as a guest in our home.
144
00:05:58,529 --> 00:05:59,776
Hey, Whit, look.
145
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,865
The Lion King.
146
00:06:05,550 --> 00:06:06,561
You know,
147
00:06:06,686 --> 00:06:09,284
you should be okay
to retire any time after 65.
148
00:06:09,409 --> 00:06:12,905
Oh, I'll never live that long.
149
00:06:13,030 --> 00:06:14,640
Oh, you're still going?
150
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,793
I'm not here.
151
00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:20,245
Not here.
152
00:06:20,370 --> 00:06:22,464
All right, well, thanks again, Neal.
153
00:06:22,589 --> 00:06:23,508
I really appreciate it.
154
00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:24,767
No problem, glad I could help.
155
00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:25,969
Aw...
156
00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,846
Oh!
157
00:06:31,281 --> 00:06:34,185
Uh...
158
00:06:34,351 --> 00:06:37,253
Heh.
159
00:06:40,107 --> 00:06:44,362
And then I accidentally kissed Neal.
160
00:06:44,528 --> 00:06:46,781
Shut up!
161
00:06:46,947 --> 00:06:48,774
I know, I know...
I don't know what to do.
162
00:06:48,899 --> 00:06:50,326
Wait, do I tell lily?
163
00:06:50,492 --> 00:06:51,744
No!
No, no, no, no.
164
00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:53,580
No, it was an accidental kiss.
It didn't mean anything.
165
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,247
I mean, think of all the guys
that you've purposely
166
00:06:55,372 --> 00:06:58,217
had sex with and it meant nothing.
167
00:06:58,342 --> 00:07:00,962
I don't know,
it's just... it's so awkward now.
168
00:07:01,128 --> 00:07:02,464
I don't even wanna be
in the same room with him.
169
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,089
Oh, well, you should probably go,
170
00:07:04,214 --> 00:07:06,176
'cause he's on his way back here
with Alex, like, right now.
171
00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,260
What? No!
172
00:07:08,385 --> 00:07:09,261
Whit!
173
00:07:09,386 --> 00:07:10,346
You didn't tell me that.
174
00:07:10,754 --> 00:07:15,518
God, I'm telling you,
it's super weird, I...
175
00:07:15,684 --> 00:07:16,895
I don't even wanna see him.
176
00:07:17,061 --> 00:07:19,037
Okay.
177
00:07:19,162 --> 00:07:23,568
Crazy... oh!
178
00:07:28,755 --> 00:07:30,158
Dude!
179
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:31,326
I have to go.
180
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:34,204
Um, I have a wax, so...
181
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,938
Me too.
182
00:07:36,063 --> 00:07:39,525
I mean...
183
00:07:39,650 --> 00:07:40,752
I mean, a meeting.
184
00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:43,421
- We're chillaxing.
- Totally norms.
185
00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:58,243
You know, I think
I'll just take the stairs.
186
00:07:58,368 --> 00:07:59,437
Oh, okay.
187
00:07:59,603 --> 00:08:04,484
Good day, sir.
188
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,486
- This is silly.
- I know! You're right.
189
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:07,987
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
190
00:08:08,153 --> 00:08:11,533
Aah!
191
00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:18,297
Uh, so, okay, I got the crate.
192
00:08:18,422 --> 00:08:20,899
I got the dog bowls,
and then I got the dog bed.
193
00:08:21,024 --> 00:08:22,502
Why does it smell so good in here?
194
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,353
Oh, that's the
chocolate chip cookie candle,
195
00:08:24,478 --> 00:08:25,704
it's the perfect way to
let this dog lady know
196
00:08:25,829 --> 00:08:27,556
that I love to bake
and do domestic stuff
197
00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:29,975
without actually having to bake
or do domestic stuff.
198
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,610
Ah.
199
00:08:31,735 --> 00:08:34,279
Okay, well, I got seven leashes,
200
00:08:34,404 --> 00:08:37,149
so if, uh, this dog thing
doesn't work out, you know,
201
00:08:37,274 --> 00:08:40,352
uh, we'll have to find,
uh, something else to do
202
00:08:40,477 --> 00:08:43,071
with these leashes, you know?
203
00:08:43,196 --> 00:08:44,356
Focus.
204
00:08:44,481 --> 00:08:46,225
Home visits are all
about the image you project.
205
00:08:46,350 --> 00:08:48,160
It's like when child services
comes when you're a kid.
206
00:08:48,285 --> 00:08:50,229
You gotta just tell them
what they wanna hear,
207
00:08:50,354 --> 00:08:51,864
and whatever you do, don't cry.
208
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:54,284
They make you go
to a different school.
209
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,201
Okay... hey, when Mrs. janks gets here,
210
00:08:56,326 --> 00:08:59,456
uh, maybe don't
mention child services at all.
211
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,224
We are gonna show this woman
we are just as married
212
00:09:02,349 --> 00:09:03,675
as an actual married couple.
213
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,543
Oh, is this too much?
214
00:09:05,668 --> 00:09:08,413
It's a puzzle of us kissing.
215
00:09:08,538 --> 00:09:09,883
Where did you get that?
216
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,884
Oh, it's what I
ordered the other night
217
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:15,587
when I was drunk.
218
00:09:15,712 --> 00:09:18,683
Okay, Mr. Miller, you own this condo.
219
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,776
Do you two have any other roommates?
220
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:22,227
Just us.
221
00:09:22,352 --> 00:09:24,147
For two years, which is way longer
222
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:25,563
than Renee zellweger was married,
223
00:09:25,688 --> 00:09:28,443
and she's got, like, nine dogs, so...
224
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,269
What's that smell?
225
00:09:30,394 --> 00:09:31,946
Is that chocolate chip cookies?
226
00:09:32,112 --> 00:09:33,823
Yeah, I actually
just made a fresh batch.
227
00:09:33,989 --> 00:09:34,940
Chocolate could kill a dog quicker
228
00:09:35,065 --> 00:09:38,328
than a bullet through the head.
229
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,789
This is a one bedroom apartment,
a little small for a puppy.
230
00:09:41,955 --> 00:09:43,249
Are there any parks in this area?
231
00:09:43,415 --> 00:09:45,317
- Oh, parks!
- Parks! Oh, gosh.
232
00:09:45,442 --> 00:09:46,685
Um, you know what, we actually, uh,
233
00:09:46,810 --> 00:09:48,379
we have this cabin up in Michigan.
234
00:09:48,545 --> 00:09:50,722
Um, where it's in this small town.
235
00:09:50,847 --> 00:09:51,773
- Uh, it's called...
- Narnia.
236
00:09:51,898 --> 00:09:53,968
Mm-hm.
237
00:09:54,134 --> 00:09:55,127
Um, and we could just let the dog go
238
00:09:55,252 --> 00:09:56,971
and run for Miles and Miles,
with deer...
239
00:09:57,137 --> 00:09:59,224
Hold on, hold on, the dog
should not be off its leash.
240
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,399
No, it's fenced in.
241
00:10:00,524 --> 00:10:02,317
The forest is all fenced.
242
00:10:02,442 --> 00:10:03,978
- Uh, it's got a...
- In narnia.
243
00:10:04,444 --> 00:10:05,980
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
244
00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:09,458
Okay, I hope you're not
planning on having any kids,
245
00:10:09,583 --> 00:10:12,028
because you can't handle
a new baby and a new dog
246
00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:12,967
at the same time.
247
00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:14,846
Oh, no, trust me,
I've smoked so much weed,
248
00:10:14,971 --> 00:10:18,910
so it's, like... I have no sperm.
249
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:22,956
Go get the puzzle.
Go get it.
250
00:10:24,881 --> 00:10:27,950
- Aw!
- Oh!
251
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,881
We were denied a dog.
252
00:10:32,047 --> 00:10:33,800
I mean, the homeless guy
on the corner has four dogs.
253
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,218
I wonder if he's married?
254
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,269
Oh, Alan?
Yeah, probably not.
255
00:10:37,394 --> 00:10:40,014
He eats beans out of a violin.
256
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:41,873
And I really wanted a dog,
now who am I gonna
257
00:10:41,998 --> 00:10:43,726
take a bath with later?
258
00:10:43,892 --> 00:10:45,687
Whitney?
259
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:47,913
Nah, it's not the same.
260
00:10:48,038 --> 00:10:49,881
I am telling you,
the second I checked
261
00:10:50,006 --> 00:10:51,817
that stupid "single" box
on that form,
262
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:52,986
that woman made up her mind.
263
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,112
That's discrimination,
264
00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:55,488
which I can't arrest her for,
265
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,240
but I could probably
throw a boot on her car.
266
00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,033
Jam up her day.
267
00:10:59,199 --> 00:11:00,759
She is prejudiced.
268
00:11:00,884 --> 00:11:04,029
No, she is a singlist.
269
00:11:04,154 --> 00:11:05,647
Ooh!
Tweet that.
270
00:11:05,772 --> 00:11:09,210
Then I'll retweet it,
hashtag, America.
271
00:11:10,327 --> 00:11:11,469
We should probably pay.
272
00:11:11,594 --> 00:11:12,671
Oh, yeah, we'll, uh, we'll split it.
273
00:11:12,796 --> 00:11:14,799
Oh, yeah.
274
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,775
You guys don't have to pretend
to reach for your wallet.
275
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:17,844
We got it.
276
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:21,413
Wait, what?
Are you sure?
277
00:11:21,538 --> 00:11:23,015
Aw.
278
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,616
So how's your girlfriend Roxanne?
279
00:11:24,741 --> 00:11:25,834
You told him?
280
00:11:25,959 --> 00:11:27,895
It's not a big deal,
accidents happen.
281
00:11:28,061 --> 00:11:29,855
Roxanne is a single woman with needs,
282
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:33,258
you're a handsome man from
an exotic part of the world.
283
00:11:33,383 --> 00:11:36,738
There are no accidents.
284
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:40,325
Okay, so this woman's
pretty hardcore.
285
00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:41,733
Yeah, I got your back.
286
00:11:41,858 --> 00:11:44,078
I'm your hype man.
You know, like in rap?
287
00:11:44,244 --> 00:11:46,038
The guy who emphasizes your point?
288
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,041
Heh, say "hello, New York City."
289
00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:50,025
Hello, New York...
290
00:11:50,150 --> 00:11:56,048
New York City, make some noise!
291
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,925
Oh, look who's back.
292
00:11:58,091 --> 00:12:01,787
And on her way back from narnia,
she picked up a hobbit.
293
00:12:01,912 --> 00:12:05,641
I took the liberty of adding
a box to your antiquated form.
294
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:08,627
"Single, married, and committed?"
295
00:12:08,752 --> 00:12:13,298
Yup.
Boom, mind blown.
296
00:12:13,423 --> 00:12:17,153
Uh-huh.
Blown.
297
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:18,970
Do you know the percentage
of unmarried couples
298
00:12:19,095 --> 00:12:20,281
who get divorced?
299
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:23,475
- How can an unmarried couple...
- Zero, okay?
300
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,178
Alex and I are not married,
but we're even better.
301
00:12:26,303 --> 00:12:28,647
We choose to be together
every single day.
302
00:12:28,772 --> 00:12:31,292
24-7, 365, son.
303
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,520
Alex and I
would like to rescue a dog.
304
00:12:35,645 --> 00:12:37,122
Big or small, young or old...
305
00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:39,926
'Cause unlike you,
I have no prejudices.
306
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,678
- Really?
- Really.
307
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,930
- Maybe I misjudged you.
- Yes, you did.
308
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,263
I didn't realize
you'd be willing to help
309
00:12:45,388 --> 00:12:46,307
an older animal.
310
00:12:46,473 --> 00:12:48,066
Willing?
311
00:12:48,191 --> 00:12:49,568
Older animal?
312
00:12:49,693 --> 00:12:51,703
Realize?
313
00:12:51,828 --> 00:12:54,065
I would love an older animal.
314
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:56,025
Some of our dogs need a lot of help.
315
00:12:56,191 --> 00:12:57,175
Good.
316
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:58,945
So you'd be okay with a disabled dog?
317
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:02,380
Absolutely,
because I don't judge, okay?
318
00:13:02,505 --> 00:13:05,951
It doesn't even need legs.
Less legs the better, okay?
319
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:09,437
Just a torso and a wheelchair,
that's all... we'll just
320
00:13:09,562 --> 00:13:12,834
play murder ball all day.
321
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,451
Murder up.
322
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,966
Alex!
323
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:23,052
Meet Clarence, our new puppy!
324
00:13:23,218 --> 00:13:24,294
Aah! Aah!
325
00:13:24,419 --> 00:13:25,462
Hold on.
326
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:30,801
One second.
327
00:13:30,926 --> 00:13:32,169
Come on, boy.
328
00:13:32,294 --> 00:13:33,170
Come on.
329
00:13:33,295 --> 00:13:35,555
Yeah, come on, come on.
330
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:36,973
Yeah, come on.
331
00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:38,241
Almost there.
332
00:13:38,366 --> 00:13:41,394
Yeah.
333
00:13:41,519 --> 00:13:44,198
- Come on.
- Whit, how old is this dog?
334
00:13:44,364 --> 00:13:46,868
He's 19.
335
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:49,269
He's not even old enough to drink.
336
00:13:49,394 --> 00:13:51,087
Which is kind of ironic,
'cause his liver's
337
00:13:51,212 --> 00:13:53,040
pretty much shot.
338
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:56,626
- Isn't he the best?
- Huh.
339
00:13:56,751 --> 00:13:58,228
Oh, um, uh, he's kind of fragile.
340
00:13:58,353 --> 00:14:00,063
Maybe just talk to him.
341
00:14:00,188 --> 00:14:01,799
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
342
00:14:01,965 --> 00:14:05,435
Uh, louder, he's deaf.
343
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:06,387
Hey, buddy!
344
00:14:06,553 --> 00:14:10,841
Closer, he's blind.
345
00:14:10,966 --> 00:14:12,342
Hey, buddy, how you doing?
346
00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:14,077
Aw, look at your face.
347
00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:16,856
Okay, yeah, you're...
Look at your gums,
348
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,282
they're so grey.
349
00:14:19,407 --> 00:14:22,426
You got... oh, okay, ew.
350
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:33,748
Aw, where's all your teeth?
351
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,082
What, you're gonna give him pills?
352
00:14:35,248 --> 00:14:37,951
Oh, yeah, these are
just treats and vitamins
353
00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:40,837
and antibiotics.
354
00:14:40,962 --> 00:14:42,489
Well, is that what the cone is for?
355
00:14:42,614 --> 00:14:44,140
Oh, this cute thing?
356
00:14:44,265 --> 00:14:46,610
Oh, that's just, um,
he has some stitches.
357
00:14:46,735 --> 00:14:51,114
Clarence had
some stuff removed recently.
358
00:14:51,239 --> 00:14:52,850
- Stuff?
- Uh-huh.
359
00:14:53,016 --> 00:14:57,271
Just some stuff, and tumors.
360
00:14:57,437 --> 00:14:59,857
He's just like a normal dog.
361
00:15:03,184 --> 00:15:04,060
You ready?
362
00:15:04,185 --> 00:15:05,228
You ready to go get the ball?
363
00:15:05,353 --> 00:15:06,229
Yeah?
364
00:15:06,354 --> 00:15:07,664
You ready to get the ball?
365
00:15:07,789 --> 00:15:08,648
Here we go.
366
00:15:08,773 --> 00:15:10,743
Whoa!
367
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:12,369
- Go!
- Go get it!
368
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:13,770
Go get it!
Go get the ball!
369
00:15:13,895 --> 00:15:15,906
- Go get it!
- Go get it!
370
00:15:16,031 --> 00:15:18,074
Go get it!
371
00:15:18,199 --> 00:15:19,544
- Go!
- Go get it!
372
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,087
You wanna get the ball?
373
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,112
Okay, I'll go get the ball.
374
00:15:22,237 --> 00:15:23,631
Good.
375
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:27,260
That is a good boy.
There's the ball, good boy.
376
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:28,651
I think you just threw it too far.
377
00:15:28,776 --> 00:15:30,420
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
378
00:15:30,545 --> 00:15:33,290
Um... er, uh... how about...
379
00:15:33,415 --> 00:15:37,260
Ooh!
380
00:15:37,385 --> 00:15:40,330
It's right there.
Come on, man.
381
00:15:40,455 --> 00:15:41,598
You know what?
382
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,276
Come on, let's go get the ball.
383
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,352
Oh, come on.
384
00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:47,053
Yeah!
Oh, there it is.
385
00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:48,054
That's the ball.
386
00:15:48,179 --> 00:15:49,723
Oh, there, good boy.
387
00:15:49,848 --> 00:15:51,708
Bring it back to daddy.
388
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:54,210
- Oh, yes.
- Aw, look at what he did.
389
00:15:54,335 --> 00:15:55,245
- Oh!
- Oh, look at what he did.
390
00:15:55,370 --> 00:15:58,782
- Oh, good boy.
- Look at what he did.
391
00:15:58,907 --> 00:16:02,185
Oh, remind me in ten minutes,
I have to give him another pill.
392
00:16:02,310 --> 00:16:04,904
You know, I had my doubts
about you getting a dog
393
00:16:05,029 --> 00:16:06,465
because it's such a big commitment.
394
00:16:06,631 --> 00:16:08,091
I mean, we could have gotten a puppy,
395
00:16:08,216 --> 00:16:10,260
which is, like, a 15 year thing.
396
00:16:10,385 --> 00:16:12,562
I told you, just
because I'm afraid of marriage
397
00:16:12,687 --> 00:16:14,998
does not mean
I'm afraid of commitment.
398
00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:19,437
Especially if it's to
something lovable and scruffy.
399
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,357
You're, like, weirdly good with him.
400
00:16:23,523 --> 00:16:26,176
How come you never had a dog before?
401
00:16:26,301 --> 00:16:29,196
I never had a dog before
because I never had you.
402
00:16:29,362 --> 00:16:31,198
What do you mean?
403
00:16:31,364 --> 00:16:33,083
Well, every other guy I dated,
I knew it was gonna end,
404
00:16:33,208 --> 00:16:34,618
so I didn't wanna commit
to something that wasn't gonna
405
00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:36,603
last longer than the relationship.
406
00:16:36,728 --> 00:16:40,557
I mean, before you
I bought milk by the quart.
407
00:16:40,682 --> 00:16:43,419
Aw, now you buy so much
that it goes bad.
408
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,633
I love having a dog with you.
409
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,552
Me too.
410
00:16:51,718 --> 00:16:55,014
It's like our first
big thing we've done together.
411
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,508
Oh, my God,
I think he wagged his tail!
412
00:16:58,633 --> 00:16:59,894
- Yeah?
- Oh, my God!
413
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,044
Ooh...
414
00:17:01,169 --> 00:17:03,303
Aah.
415
00:17:05,974 --> 00:17:09,269
Mm. Mmmm.
416
00:17:09,394 --> 00:17:11,489
Morning, Clarence.
417
00:17:13,064 --> 00:17:15,076
He's kind of like the perfect dog.
418
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:16,452
He didn't bark at all last night.
419
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,328
Ahh... we did a good thing.
420
00:17:18,453 --> 00:17:19,696
I mean if it wasn't for us,
he would have spent
421
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:21,464
the rest of his life
at that cold shelter
422
00:17:21,589 --> 00:17:23,133
with no one to love him
423
00:17:23,258 --> 00:17:26,921
or chew up his apple sauce for him.
424
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:28,705
Yeah.
425
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,299
Hey, buddy.
426
00:17:30,465 --> 00:17:32,409
Hey.
427
00:17:32,534 --> 00:17:34,411
Hey.
428
00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:37,614
Hey.
429
00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:40,784
Hey.
430
00:17:40,909 --> 00:17:45,355
Hey.
431
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,482
Hey.
432
00:17:53,321 --> 00:17:54,532
Sorry for your loss.
433
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,158
Thanks, mark.
And thanks for dressing up.
434
00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:57,333
It's the right thing to do.
435
00:17:57,458 --> 00:18:00,663
And it's laundry day.
436
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:02,739
I never met Clarence.
437
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,241
And I've never been to a doggy wake.
438
00:18:05,366 --> 00:18:07,962
But I think the appropriate
thing to do is drink.
439
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,979
Aw.
440
00:18:10,104 --> 00:18:11,181
To Clarence.
441
00:18:14,158 --> 00:18:15,719
Mm!
442
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:16,786
You know what?
443
00:18:16,911 --> 00:18:18,521
Whoever invented Martini glasses...
444
00:18:18,646 --> 00:18:20,957
Never drank three Martinis.
445
00:18:21,082 --> 00:18:22,184
Excuse me.
446
00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:23,843
I miss Clarence.
447
00:18:23,968 --> 00:18:26,329
Yeah, you can still smell him.
448
00:18:27,622 --> 00:18:29,716
It's not a good smell, but, you know.
449
00:18:29,841 --> 00:18:32,153
It's his.
450
00:18:32,777 --> 00:18:36,673
It smells like dead
chocolate chip cookies.
451
00:18:36,798 --> 00:18:40,443
Is that a thing?
452
00:18:40,568 --> 00:18:41,412
Hey.
453
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:42,705
Sorry we're late.
454
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,014
We've just been
standing in the hallway
455
00:18:45,139 --> 00:18:48,085
until we could figure out
the right thing to say.
456
00:18:50,578 --> 00:18:54,958
Still got nothing.
457
00:18:55,083 --> 00:18:56,218
We brought you a deli platter.
458
00:18:56,384 --> 00:18:58,044
Yeah, what better way to celebrate
459
00:18:58,169 --> 00:19:00,463
the death of an animal
460
00:19:00,588 --> 00:19:03,851
than with other dead animals.
461
00:19:06,227 --> 00:19:08,054
Oh, my God!
Not again!
462
00:19:08,179 --> 00:19:09,356
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
463
00:19:09,522 --> 00:19:10,858
Well, why didn't you knock?
464
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:12,208
I didn't know you'd be in there
465
00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:15,488
and those would be out there!
466
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:17,198
Uh, what is going on?
467
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:18,515
Nothing, nothing.
468
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,484
We just accidentally kissed
and then she touched me.
469
00:19:21,609 --> 00:19:25,178
Well, his crotch is
at a very inconvenient height.
470
00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:29,025
Lily, this is on you.
471
00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:31,795
You cannot force a man
and a woman to be "friends."
472
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,329
It's against the laws of nature.
473
00:19:33,454 --> 00:19:36,258
It's like a female wrestler.
474
00:19:36,424 --> 00:19:39,669
Uh...
475
00:19:39,794 --> 00:19:41,571
That is ridiculous.
476
00:19:41,696 --> 00:19:44,934
They are friends
and these are clearly accidents.
477
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,145
Again, there are no accidents.
478
00:19:48,311 --> 00:19:49,462
Okay, I gotta fly.
479
00:19:49,587 --> 00:19:51,607
Alex, buddy,
I'm sorry about Clarence.
480
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:52,900
Come here.
481
00:19:53,508 --> 00:19:57,238
Dude!
482
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,454
Aah!
483
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,116
- Dude!
- Aah!
484
00:20:01,282 --> 00:20:03,159
I didn't mean to do that!
485
00:20:03,284 --> 00:20:04,460
Or that!
486
00:20:04,585 --> 00:20:06,863
I don't know, man, you know.
487
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:07,998
There are no accidents, come here.
488
00:20:08,164 --> 00:20:09,032
Get away.
Get away!
489
00:20:09,157 --> 00:20:11,961
Get over here.
490
00:20:15,742 --> 00:20:17,756
Hello, I'm Clarence.
491
00:20:17,881 --> 00:20:19,859
Hello, I am sarge!
492
00:20:19,984 --> 00:20:22,862
Oh, oh, aren't squirrels the best?
493
00:20:22,987 --> 00:20:27,226
Oh, not as good as dogs, ha-ha-ha!
494
00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:46,162
Hey, uh, Whit?
495
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:49,221
Oh!
Ah, they're having a play date.
496
00:20:49,346 --> 00:20:51,500
Right.
497
00:20:51,666 --> 00:20:57,464
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com