1
00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:06,594
Hey.

2
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:07,731
Hey.

3
00:00:07,807 --> 00:00:08,899
What's in the package?

4
00:00:08,975 --> 00:00:10,909
Oh, don't tell me.
I love this game.

5
00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:13,309
What did I order online
the other night
when I was drunk?

6
00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:15,345
Uh, Mexican Xanax?

7
00:00:16,616 --> 00:00:19,107
Sweatpants with
underwear built in.

8
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:21,684
No, it's an urn.

9
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:24,184
I ordered an urn?

10
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,224
I've got to stop
drinking Kahlua.

11
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:29,219
No, it's my dog.

12
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,786
My... My folks
sent Sarge's ashes.

13
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,264
Aw, honey.

14
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,793
I know how much
you loved Sarge.

15
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:37,626
I don't know. I was
okay when they told me,

16
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,695
but now it's kind of
sinking in that he's gone.

17
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,968
You know?
I mean, I've never
not had a dog.

18
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:45,709
Well, why don't
we get one?

19
00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,541
You really want
to get a dog?

20
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,105
Totally.
I've never had one.

21
00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:52,777
Well, one year for Christmas,
my dad stole us a poodle.

22
00:00:52,852 --> 00:00:55,616
But the reward got so high
that he gave it back.

23
00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,616
You know that a dog is,
like, a really big
commitment, right?

24
00:00:58,691 --> 00:01:01,091
Yeah. And no one is better
at commitment than me.

25
00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:08,190
Okay. Marriage is not
my favorite thing
at this particular juncture.

26
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:12,466
But when I commit,
I commit hard. Okay?

27
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,405
I mean, I am still wearing
the same bra I wore
in the seventh grade.

28
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:16,634
(CHUCKLES)

29
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,879
Uh, my email address
is at AOL. Okay?

30
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:22,107
I pay for email.

31
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,649
(LAUGHS)

32
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:27,212
You really want
to get a dog?
Yes.

33
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,716
Okay, yeah.
Let's do it.
Okay.

34
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:32,280
Oh, my God.
Can we name him Mr...
No.

35
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,556
Can we name him...
No.

36
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,022
You don't even know
what I was going to say.

37
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,859
Were you going
to say names
of famous people?

38
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,499
I don't know. I just
really want to be able
to neuter Mel Gibson.

39
00:01:43,536 --> 00:01:45,834
WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped
in front of a live
studio audience.

40
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,202
You heard me.

41
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,236
Wow. The market
was up 300 today.

44
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,905
Nice. I love the web.

45
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,646
I haven't checked
my stocks in a while.

46
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:01,277
Oh.
How's Blockbuster doing?

47
00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:02,480
Oh.

48
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:05,353
Honey, I told you
Neal does this
for a living. Okay?

49
00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,188
He can help you
with your investments.

50
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:12,595
Plus, this is a chance
for you guys to have your
own friendship outside of me.

51
00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:14,693
MARK: Whoa.

52
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,257
Everybody stop.
(CLEARS THROAT)

53
00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:17,633
Have you seen
When Harry Met Sally...?

54
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,896
Men and women
cannot be friends.

55
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,372
Men want to have
sex with everything.

56
00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:24,171
And women just
aren't that interesting.

57
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,177
Uh, have you seen
When Harry Met Sally...?

58
00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:29,072
Hi!
ALL: Hey.

59
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,475
What's up?

60
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,344
You guys,
Alex and I have
an announcement to make.

61
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:34,953
Oh, my God!

62
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:37,216
Don't do it, man.
This is a mistake.

63
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:39,817
Whitney is just
going to get crazier.

64
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,383
Plus, the day
after you say, "l do,"

65
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:44,555
she is going to
cut her hair short.
They all do.

66
00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:47,298
No, look. We're not
getting married.

67
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:48,991
We're just...
We're getting a dog.

68
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:51,502
Oh. Wow.
(LAUGHS)

69
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,834
Getting a dog
is a big deal.

70
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,067
Yeah. It's like
having a kid,

71
00:02:55,141 --> 00:02:57,268
except you still get
to participate in society.

72
00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:00,109
Anyway, what kind of dog
are you going to get?

73
00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:01,474
I don't know yet, but...

74
00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:03,606
You guys
should rescue a dog.
It's like with women.

75
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:07,244
You want to get one that's
just damaged enough that
she's grateful to be indoors.

76
00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:14,253
(DOGS BARKlNG)

77
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:16,753
Yeah, you're a good boy.

78
00:03:16,829 --> 00:03:18,626
Yes, you are.
Look at you.

79
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:21,163
You're a good boy, too.
Hi.

80
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,731
Oh.
You're a handsome boy.

81
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:26,334
You're a handsome
boy, too. Yeah.

82
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:29,933
Okay. You're both equally
good and handsome.

83
00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:33,476
Alex, do you have
any allergies
other than spermicide?

84
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,612
No, I'm good.

85
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:40,049
Wait a minute.
This is weird.

86
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,587
Under relationship,
they only have
single or married.

87
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:43,815
They don't have
what we are.

88
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:45,521
Just put in single.
It doesn't matter.

89
00:03:45,692 --> 00:03:47,717
But we're not single.
Single is when
you're dating.

90
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:50,524
If I was single,
I'd be passed out
on some stranger's futon,

91
00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:52,656
dehydrated
and covered in glitter.

92
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,802
Um, excuse me, ma'am?

93
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,098
Hi. Your form is broken.

94
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:03,074
Um... Uh, you don't
have a box for what
our relationship is.

95
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:04,766
And what is
your relationship?

96
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:07,005
Oh, we're not married,
but we've been together
for three years.

97
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,877
Oh. He won't propose?

98
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,520
No. Um, we are
happily unmarried.

99
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,181
If I had a soul,
he would be its mate.

100
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,825
No. You're going
to have to fill out
separate forms

101
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,897
because you're not married.
That means you're single.

102
00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:27,332
ALEX: Hey, look who's
in Daddy's shirt.

103
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:28,758
(CHUCKLES)

104
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,996
I'm going to die
from tickles.

105
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,908
Uh... Um... I...
I don't think
you understand.

106
00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:39,035
It's just...
We're married,
just not legally.

107
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,602
We don't need
a piece of paper.

108
00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:41,973
Mmm, no.
You know.

109
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:44,073
You're going to need
two pieces of paper.

110
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,918
And we have to schedule
a home visit.

111
00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:48,747
There's a home visit.

112
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:52,219
Of course. We have to
make sure our dogs are
in stable households.

113
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,455
And, you know,
I don't want to say
that you just dating

114
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,787
is a red flag,
but we've all
seen Teen Mom.

115
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,265
(SlGHS)

116
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:04,833
Okay. Um...

117
00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:07,600
So, you do home visits
for married people, too.

118
00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:10,232
Look. This shelter
is full of dogs

119
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,676
that were abandoned
by unmarried couples
who broke up.

120
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:14,771
I have one little guy
back there

121
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:18,145
who is so scared,
he won't come out
of his purse.

122
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:19,241
Okay. (LAUGHS)

123
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,049
I'm actually not looking
for an accessory. So...

124
00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:25,852
Hmm. Don't worry.
It doesn't look like
he's getting you one.

125
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:29,284
Ha. Can I talk to someone
who's still alive inside?

126
00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:31,455
Oh, like somebody else
who owns this rescue?

127
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,192
No, I don't have
any other partners.

128
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,461
Just my husband
and Jesus.

129
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:37,059
(ALEX LAUGHlNG)

130
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,161
Ugh. What are you doing?

131
00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:41,866
Oh, my God.
I'm on a cloud of puppies.

132
00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:50,180
We very much look forward
to having you and the Lord

133
00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:52,149
as a guest in our home.

134
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,624
ALEX: Hey, Whit. Look.

135
00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,617
The Lion King.

136
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:08,466
401k is good.

137
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:11,560
You know, you should
be okay to retire
anytime after 65.

138
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,366
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, I'll never live
that long. That's...

139
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:16,372
Oh, you're still going?

140
00:06:17,276 --> 00:06:18,436
I'm not here.

141
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:20,707
Not here.

142
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:25,650
All right, well,
thanks again, Neal.
I really appreciate it.

143
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,583
No problem.
Glad I could help.
Aw.

144
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,385
Oh. (CHUCKLES)

145
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:43,597
And then...

146
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:46,399
I accidentally
kissed Neal.

147
00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:48,336
Shut up.

148
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,103
I know. I know.
I don't know what to do.

149
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:52,576
Wait. Do I tell Lily?

150
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:55,875
No. No, no, no, no. No.
It was an accidental kiss.
It didn't mean anything.

151
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:57,939
I mean, think of all
the guys that you've
purposely had sex with

152
00:06:58,017 --> 00:06:59,848
and it meant nothing.

153
00:07:00,686 --> 00:07:03,154
I don't know. It's just...
It's so awkward now.

154
00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:04,780
I don't even want to be
in the same room with him.

155
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,415
Oh. Well,
you should probably go,

156
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:08,483
'cause he's on his way
back here with Alex,
like, right now.

157
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,953
What? No! Whit.

158
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,697
You didn't tell me that.

159
00:07:13,232 --> 00:07:16,463
God, I'm telling you.
It's super weird.

160
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,260
I... I don't even
want to see him.

161
00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:20,362
Hey.

162
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:28,506
(GASPS)

163
00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:32,445
Dude.

164
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,351
I have to go.
Um, I have a wax.

165
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,479
So...

166
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:39,220
Me, too. I mean...

167
00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:43,058
I mean, a meeting.

168
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:00,568
You know, I think
I'll just take the stairs.

169
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:01,704
Oh. Okay.

170
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:03,242
Good day, sir.

171
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:08,718
This is silly.
I know. You're right.

172
00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:10,219
I'll see you later.
Okay. (YELLS)

173
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,594
Uh, so, okay.
I got the crate,

174
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:23,134
I got the dog bowls,
and then,
I got the dog bed.

175
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:24,726
What... Why does it
smell so good in here?

176
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:26,738
Oh. That's a chocolate chip
cookie candle.

177
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,137
It's the perfect way
to let this dog lady know

178
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,833
that I love to bake
and do domestic stuff

179
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,343
without actually having to
bake or do domestic stuff.

180
00:08:32,411 --> 00:08:33,571
Ah.

181
00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:36,546
Okay. Well,
I got seven leashes.

182
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:40,049
So, if this dog thing
doesn't work out,
you know, uh...

183
00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:43,519
We'll have to find
something else to do
with these leashes.

184
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:44,817
You know?

185
00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:46,482
Focus.

186
00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:48,584
Home visits are all about
the image you project.

187
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:50,561
It's like when
Child Services comes
when you're a kid.

188
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,598
You've got to just tell them
what they want to hear,

189
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,188
and whatever you do,
don't cry.

190
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,497
They make you go
to a different school.

191
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,763
Okay. Hey, when
Mrs. Janks gets here,

192
00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,931
maybe don't mention
Child Services at all.

193
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:01,996
Okay.

194
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:03,537
We are going to
show this woman

195
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:06,043
we are just as married
as an actual married couple.

196
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,409
Oh. Is this too much?

197
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,874
It's a puzzle
of us kissing.

198
00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:12,215
Where did you get that?

199
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,378
Ah. It's what I ordered
the other night
when I was drunk.

200
00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:15,477
(CLlCKS TONGUE)

201
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,919
Okay, Mr. Miller.
You own this condo?

202
00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:23,254
Do you two have
any other roommates?

203
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,590
Just us.

204
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:25,688
For two years.

205
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:27,894
Which is way longer
than Renee Zellweger
was married.

206
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:30,401
And she's got, like,
nine dogs. So...

207
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:34,100
What's that smell?
Is that chocolate
chip cookies?

208
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:35,968
Yeah, actually.
I just made
a fresh batch.

209
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,906
Chocolate can kill a dog
quicker than a bullet
through the head.

210
00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:40,104
Oh.

211
00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:42,677
This is a one bedroom
apartment.

212
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,045
A little small
for a puppy.

213
00:09:44,116 --> 00:09:45,481
Are there any parks
in this area?

214
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:46,813
Oh, parks.
Parks. Parks.

215
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,046
Oh, man.
Gosh.

216
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,144
Um, you know what?
We actually...

217
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,654
We have this cabin
up in Michigan

218
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:53,453
where it's in
this small town, uh...

219
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:54,857
Narnia.
It's called...
Mmm-hmm.

220
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:57,859
And we can just
let the dog go and run...
Mmm-hmm.

221
00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,363
...for miles and miles
with the deer and...
Yeah.

222
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,457
Whoa. Hold on. Hold on.
A dog should not
be off its leash.

223
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:02,591
No, it's...
it's fenced in.

224
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:04,602
The... The forest
is all fenced.

225
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:06,103
Uh, it's got a...

226
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,531
In Narnia.
Yeah.

227
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,699
Mmm, yeah.

228
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,572
Okay.
Hope you're not planning
on having any kids,

229
00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:14,977
because you can't handle
a new baby and a new dog
at the same time.

230
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:16,105
Oh, no. Trust me.

231
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,343
I've smoked so much weed,
so it's like I have no sperm.

232
00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:19,441
(CHUCKLES)

233
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,953
Go get the puzzle.
Go get it.

234
00:10:27,159 --> 00:10:29,992
Aw.
Aw.

235
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,031
We were denied a dog.

236
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,067
I mean, the homeless guy
on the corner has four dogs.

237
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,466
I wonder if he's married.

238
00:10:37,536 --> 00:10:39,663
Oh, Alan?
Yeah, probably not.

239
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:41,934
He eats beans
out of a violin.

240
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:43,670
I really wanted a dog.

241
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:46,007
Now, who am I going to
take a bath with later?

242
00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:47,067
Whitney?

243
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,577
Nah, it's not the same.

244
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:51,273
I am telling you.

245
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:54,183
The second I checked
that stupid single box
on that form,

246
00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:55,345
that woman made up
her mind.

247
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:56,546
That's discrimination.

248
00:10:56,622 --> 00:10:59,557
Which I can't arrest her for,
but I could probably
throw a boot on her car.

249
00:10:59,892 --> 00:11:01,223
Jam up her day.

250
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:03,060
She is prejudiced.

251
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,495
No. No.
She is a singlist.

252
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:06,893
(GASPS)

253
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:10,591
Ooh, tweet that.
Then, I'll re-tweet it.
Hashtag America.

254
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,731
We should probably pay.

255
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:15,967
Oh, yeah. We'll...
We'll split it.
Oh, yeah.

256
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,378
You guys don't have
to pretend to reach
for your wallet.

257
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:20,434
We got it.

258
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,537
Wait. What? You sure?

259
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,878
So, how's your girlfriend,
Roxanne?

260
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:28,180
(SlGHS) You told him?

261
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,245
It's not a big deal.
Accidents happen.

262
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,324
Roxanne is a single woman
with needs.

263
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:35,656
You're a handsome man
from an exotic part
of the world.

264
00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:36,990
There are no accidents.

265
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:42,664
Okay, so, this woman
is pretty hardcore.

266
00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,996
Yeah. I've got your back.
I'm your hype-man.

267
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:46,364
You know, like in rap.

268
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,573
The guy who
emphasizes your point.

269
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:50,404
Yeah. Say,
"Hello, New York City."

270
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,136
Hello, New York City...

271
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,475
New York City,
make some noise!

272
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:00,218
Oh, look who's back.

273
00:12:00,352 --> 00:12:02,912
And on her way back
from Narnia,
she picked up a hobbit.

274
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:07,858
I took the liberty
of adding a box
to your antiquated form.

275
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:11,585
Single, Married,
and Committed?
Yep.

276
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:13,991
Boom. Mind blown.

277
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,965
Uh-huh. Blown.

278
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:22,598
Do you know the percentage
of unmarried couples
who get divorced?

279
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:24,104
How could an
unmarried couple get...

280
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:25,643
Zero. Okay?

281
00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:28,670
Alex and I are not married,
but we're even better.

282
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,216
We choose to be together
every single day.

283
00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:33,410
24/7, 365, son.

284
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:37,922
Alex and I would like
to rescue a dog,

285
00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:39,617
big or small,
young or old.

286
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:42,126
Because unlike you,
I have no prejudices.

287
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:43,751
Really?
Really.

288
00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:45,255
Maybe I misjudged you.

289
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,355
Yes, you did.

290
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,627
I didn't realize
you'd be willing
to help an older animal.

291
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:51,534
(SCOFFS) Willing?
Older animal?

292
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,231
(SCOFFS) Realize?

293
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:56,333
I would love
an older animal.

294
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,977
Some of our dogs
need a lot of help.
Good.

295
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:01,274
So, you'd be okay
with a disabled dog.

296
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:04,942
Absolutely. Because
I don't judge. Okay?

297
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,711
It doesn't even need legs.
The less legs, the better.

298
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:11,017
Okay? Just a torso
in a wheel chair.
That's all...

299
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:13,718
We'll just play
murderball all day.

300
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:16,756
Murder up.

301
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:25,565
Alex, meet Clarence.
Our new puppy.

302
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,539
Ah. Ah. Hold on.

303
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,009
One second.

304
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,340
Come on, boy.

305
00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:38,072
Come on.
Yeah, come on.

306
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,611
Come on.
Yeah, come on.

307
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,047
We're almost there.
Yeah.

308
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,848
Come on.

309
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,058
Whit, how old
is this dog?

310
00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:49,717
He's 19.

311
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,597
He's not even
old enough to drink.

312
00:13:53,732 --> 00:13:56,963
Which is kind of ironic,
because his liver
is pretty much shot.

313
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:58,765
Isn't he the best?

314
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,132
Yeah.

315
00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:03,203
Oh, he's kind of fragile.
Maybe just talk to him.

316
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,666
Okay. Hey, buddy.

317
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,105
Uh, louder. He's deaf.

318
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:10,242
(LOUDLY) Hey, buddy.

319
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:11,643
Closer, he's blind.

320
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,219
Hey, buddy.
How are you doing?

321
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:19,655
Oh, look at your face.
Okay, yeah. Your...

322
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:20,851
Look at your gums.

323
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,257
They're so gray.

324
00:14:23,128 --> 00:14:25,858
You got... Oh.
Okay. Ugh.

325
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:34,697
Oh, where's
all your teeth?

326
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:37,668
(PlLLS RATTLlNG)

327
00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:38,971
Wait, are you going
to give him pills?

328
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:43,612
Oh, yeah, these are just
treats and vitamins
and antibiotics.

329
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,440
Is that what
the cone is for?

330
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:49,316
Oh. This cute thing?
Oh, that's just, um...

331
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,548
He has some stitches.

332
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:53,854
Clarence had some
stuff removed recently.

333
00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:56,692
Stuff?
Uh-huh.

334
00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:58,889
Just some
stuff and tumors.

335
00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:03,732
He's just like
a normal dog.

336
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:09,939
You ready? You ready
to go get the ball? Yeah?

337
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,500
Are you ready
to get the ball?
Here we go.

338
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,512
BOTH: Whoa!

339
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,106
Go!
Go get it!

340
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,614
Go get it.
Go get the ball.

341
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,275
BOTH: Go get it.

342
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,285
Go get it.

343
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:23,314
Go get it.
Go!

344
00:15:23,622 --> 00:15:24,782
WHlTNEY:
You want to get the ball?

345
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,983
Okay.
I'll go get the ball.

346
00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:29,817
That's a good boy.
There's the ball.

347
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,157
Good boy.
Oh, see?

348
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:32,993
I think you just
threw it too far.
Oh, okay.

349
00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:34,555
Just...
Okay, okay, okay.

350
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,498
Um... Oh.
How about...

351
00:15:37,169 --> 00:15:39,034
(lN SLOW MOTlON) Whoa!

352
00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:42,833
It's right there.
Come on, man.

353
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,402
You know what?

354
00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:47,001
Come on. Let's go
get the ball.

355
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,603
Oh, come on.

356
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,879
Yeah. Oh, there it is.
That's the ball.

357
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,384
Oh, there, good boy.

358
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:55,783
Bring it back
to Daddy.

359
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:56,980
Oh, yeah.

360
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,353
Oh, look at
what he did.
Oh!

361
00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,789
Look at what he did.
Look at what he did.

362
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:00,984
Good boy.

363
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:02,855
(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TV)

364
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,020
Oh, remind me
in 10 minutes, I have
to give him another pill.

365
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:08,764
You know, I had my doubts
about you getting a dog

366
00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,301
because it's such
a big commitment.

367
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:12,063
I mean, we could
have gotten a puppy,

368
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:14,105
which is, like,
a 15 year thing.

369
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:15,333
I told you.

370
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:19,070
Just because I'm afraid
of marriage does not mean
I'm afraid of commitment.

371
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,511
Especially if it's
to something lovable
and scruffy.

372
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:27,147
You're, like, weirdly
good with him.

373
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:28,848
How come you've never
had a dog before?

374
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:33,091
I never had a dog before
because I never had you.

375
00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:35,120
What do you mean?

376
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,923
Well, every other guy I dated,
I knew it was going to end.

377
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,361
So, I didn't want to
commit to something

378
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,489
that was going
to last longer
than the relationship.

379
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:42,898
Before you,
I bought milk
by the quart.

380
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,200
Aw. And now,
you buy so much
that it goes bad.

381
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,738
(CHUCKLES)

382
00:16:50,242 --> 00:16:52,301
I love having
a dog with you.

383
00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:54,710
Me, too.

384
00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,678
It's, like,
the first big thing
we've done together.

385
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,679
Oh, my God.
I think he wagged his tail.
Yeah?

386
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,779
Oh, my God.

387
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:05,048
Oh.

388
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,725
Mmm. Mmm.

389
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:15,389
Morning, Clarence.

390
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:16,759
(YAWNlNG)

391
00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:18,867
He's kind of, like,
the perfect dog.
Yeah.

392
00:17:18,937 --> 00:17:20,404
He didn't even bark
at all last night.

393
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:22,964
We did a good thing.
I mean, if it wasn't for us,

394
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:25,168
he would have spent
the rest of his life
at that cold shelter

395
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:28,873
with no one to love him
or chew up his
applesauce for him.

396
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,045
Yeah.

397
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:34,050
Hey, buddy.

398
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,647
Hey.

399
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:37,585
Hey.

400
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:39,584
Hey.

401
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,789
Hey.

402
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:45,754
Hey.

403
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:52,000
BOTH: (SADLY) Hey.

404
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,240
Sorry for your loss.

405
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:00,139
Thanks, Mark.
And thanks
for dressing up.

406
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,870
It's the right thing to do.
And it's laundry day.

407
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:06,279
I never met Clarence.

408
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:09,143
And I've never been
to a doggie wake.

409
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:11,815
But I think the appropriate
thing to do is drink.

410
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:15,626
To Clarence.

411
00:18:17,896 --> 00:18:19,193
Mmm.

412
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:22,493
You know what?
Whoever invented
martini glasses

413
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:24,627
never drank
three martinis.

414
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:25,996
Excuse me.

415
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:27,397
I miss Clarence.

416
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:29,736
Yeah, you can
still smell him.

417
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:32,177
(SlGHS) It's not
a good smell,

418
00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:34,303
but, you know,
it was his.

419
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:39,582
It smells like dead
chocolate chip cookies.

420
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,118
Is that a thing?

421
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:46,456
Hey. Sorry we're late.

422
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:48,751
We've just been
standing in the hallway

423
00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:50,761
until we could figure out
the right thing to say.

424
00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:55,794
Still got nothing.

425
00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:00,129
We brought you
a deli platter.

426
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:04,070
Yeah. What better way
to celebrate the death
of an animal

427
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,806
than with other
dead animals?

428
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,847
ROXANNE: Oh, my God!
Not again!

429
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,315
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

430
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:14,646
Why didn't you knock?

431
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:16,380
Because I didn't know
you would be in there

432
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:17,752
and those would be
out there.

433
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:20,987
Uh, what is going on?

434
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:22,285
Nothing. Nothing.

435
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:25,262
We just accidentally kissed,
and then she touched me.

436
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,993
Well, his crotch is at
a very inconvenient height.

437
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,466
Lily, this is on you.

438
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:35,669
You cannot force
a man and a woman
to be friends.

439
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:36,901
It's against
the laws of nature.

440
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:39,068
It's like
a female wrestler.

441
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,476
Uh...

442
00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:45,311
That is ridiculous.

443
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:48,282
They are friends and these
are clearly accidents.

444
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,184
Again, there are
no accidents.

445
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:53,886
Okay, I've got to fly.
Alex, buddy.

446
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,493
I'm sorry about Clarence.
Come here.

447
00:19:57,596 --> 00:19:58,858
Dude!

448
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,724
Oh!
(SHRlEKS)

449
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:04,862
Ah!

450
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,001
I didn't mean
to do that.

451
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,901
Or that.
(LAUGHS)

452
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,676
I don't know, man. I...
You know, there are
no accidents.

453
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,174
Come here.
Get away.

454
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,075
Get away from me.
Get over here.

455
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,820
"Hello. I'm Clarence."

456
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,946
"Hello. I am Sarge."

457
00:20:25,023 --> 00:20:27,890
"Oh. Oh. Aren't
squirrels the best?"

458
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,259
"Oh, not as good
as ducks. Ha, ha, ha."

459
00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:51,007
Hey, uh, Whit?

460
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,784
Oh. Uh, they're
having a play date.

461
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,412
Okay.