1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 ♪ The Simpsons 23x06 ♪ The Book Job Original Air Date on November 20, 2011 2 00:00:04,001 --> 00:00:06,701 == sync, corrected by elderman == 3 00:00:06,751 --> 00:00:08,186 (excited chattering) 4 00:00:11,331 --> 00:00:14,427 Our journey begins 65 million years ago 5 00:00:14,495 --> 00:00:17,999 when amazing creatures took their first steps. 6 00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:19,903 It's so cute that all these children 7 00:00:19,970 --> 00:00:22,609 are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs. 8 00:00:22,677 --> 00:00:24,447 (roaring) 9 00:00:24,515 --> 00:00:26,950 (screaming) 10 00:00:27,018 --> 00:00:28,320 (screeching) 11 00:00:28,389 --> 00:00:29,589 These aren't dinosaurs! 12 00:00:29,657 --> 00:00:31,623 Dinosaurs sing! 13 00:00:31,691 --> 00:00:32,424 (grunts) 14 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:35,126 I want to go back in Mommy! 15 00:00:35,194 --> 00:00:36,662 (roaring) 16 00:00:36,730 --> 00:00:37,698 (panicked screaming) 17 00:00:37,766 --> 00:00:38,734 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! 18 00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:41,136 I paid $800 for five minutes! 19 00:00:41,204 --> 00:00:44,640 NARRATOR: The dinosaurs ruled the Earth for millions of years, 20 00:00:44,708 --> 00:00:47,177 until a massive asteroid collided with the Earth, 21 00:00:47,244 --> 00:00:48,979 bringing their reign to an end. 22 00:00:49,047 --> 00:00:51,516 (crackling) 23 00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:54,453 (groaning) 24 00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:56,155 HOMER (singsongy): Ex-tinct! 25 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:59,159 NARRATOR: So remember, take good care of the Earth, 26 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:02,431 or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. 27 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:04,935 Ooh, kids, did you hear that lesson? 28 00:01:05,003 --> 00:01:06,772 How is that the lesson? 29 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,441 The point of the dinosaurs is, 30 00:01:08,509 --> 00:01:11,812 no matter what we do, an asteroid's gonna wipe us out, 31 00:01:11,879 --> 00:01:15,149 so we should party hard and wreck the place! 32 00:01:15,217 --> 00:01:17,887 Yeah! Why should the asteroid have all the fun! 33 00:01:17,955 --> 00:01:19,156 (grunts) 34 00:01:21,928 --> 00:01:24,197 What? They've got a point. 35 00:01:24,265 --> 00:01:25,298 (grunting) 36 00:01:29,071 --> 00:01:30,505 Gift shop! Gift shop! 37 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,379 All right, you can each have one toy. 38 00:01:36,615 --> 00:01:38,216 Lisa has a big toy. 39 00:01:38,284 --> 00:01:40,818 No fair. That means I get two small toys. 40 00:01:40,886 --> 00:01:42,987 No fair. This isn't big, it's medium! 41 00:01:43,055 --> 00:01:46,058 No fair! Then I get four small toys and Lisa gets 44 00:01:49,963 --> 00:01:51,096 No fair! 45 00:01:51,164 --> 00:01:52,498 All right, that's it! Forget it! 46 00:01:52,565 --> 00:01:53,532 No toys for anyone! 47 00:01:56,804 --> 00:01:58,271 Okay, Maggie gets a toy. 48 00:01:58,338 --> 00:01:59,606 No fair! No fair! 49 00:01:59,673 --> 00:02:01,475 Choke on fossil poop! 50 00:02:02,711 --> 00:02:03,477 (screams) 51 00:02:06,549 --> 00:02:08,751 Hey, I know you. 52 00:02:08,818 --> 00:02:09,985 (gasps) 53 00:02:10,053 --> 00:02:11,688 Wait! Wait! Come back! 54 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,924 Dad, follow that dinosaur! 55 00:02:13,992 --> 00:02:16,491 I've waited my whole life to hear that. 56 00:02:19,794 --> 00:02:21,495 (Homer panting) 57 00:02:22,798 --> 00:02:24,498 Triceratops head... 58 00:02:24,565 --> 00:02:25,766 coming through! 59 00:02:25,833 --> 00:02:27,902 Stegosaurus back plates, used for either defense 60 00:02:27,969 --> 00:02:30,338 or control of body temperature, coming through! 61 00:02:30,406 --> 00:02:32,473 (panting) 62 00:02:32,541 --> 00:02:33,742 So tired. 63 00:02:33,809 --> 00:02:34,876 Go on without me. 64 00:02:34,944 --> 00:02:35,844 (groans) 65 00:02:35,911 --> 00:02:36,845 (sighs) 66 00:02:36,912 --> 00:02:38,179 (T.rex mouth creaking) 67 00:02:38,247 --> 00:02:39,748 (Homer snoring) 68 00:02:43,019 --> 00:02:44,953 You're T.R. Francis! 69 00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:46,521 You wrote 70 00:02:46,588 --> 00:02:47,922 the Angelica Button books. 71 00:02:47,990 --> 00:02:50,024 They're my favorite fantasy novels. 72 00:02:50,092 --> 00:02:52,193 Um, yes, it's me, 73 00:02:52,261 --> 00:02:55,497 the creator of your beloved magical world, 74 00:02:55,565 --> 00:02:57,533 full of whimsy and, uh... 75 00:02:57,601 --> 00:02:58,768 chapters. 76 00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:00,336 Now, off you go. Bye-bye, now. 77 00:03:00,404 --> 00:03:02,640 But why are you working at a dinosaur show? 78 00:03:02,707 --> 00:03:04,508 And why did you run away from me? 79 00:03:04,576 --> 00:03:06,477 And how did Angelica get a new wand 80 00:03:06,545 --> 00:03:09,080 after Baron Mortdeath burned the Wandwood Forest? And... 81 00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:11,016 Look, you seem like a smart kid, 82 00:03:11,084 --> 00:03:12,317 so here's the truth. 83 00:03:12,385 --> 00:03:14,420 T.R. Francis isn't real. 84 00:03:14,488 --> 00:03:16,690 (laughs): Of course you're real. 85 00:03:16,757 --> 00:03:19,593 Everybody knows you got the idea for this series 86 00:03:19,661 --> 00:03:21,495 after an explosion at a crumpet factory 87 00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:23,664 knocked you off a double-decker bus. 88 00:03:23,731 --> 00:03:25,733 How could that be made up? 89 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,168 I'm just an actress they use for the jacket photo. 90 00:03:29,236 --> 00:03:32,203 That inspirational life story is pure fiction. 91 00:03:32,271 --> 00:03:34,304 Oh, I hate to break it to you, 92 00:03:34,372 --> 00:03:36,573 but all the books you kids love 93 00:03:36,641 --> 00:03:38,675 are conceived in executive boardrooms. 94 00:03:38,743 --> 00:03:41,277 The plots are based on market research, 95 00:03:41,344 --> 00:03:43,111 and the pages are churned out 96 00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,980 by a room full of pill-popping lit majors 97 00:03:46,048 --> 00:03:47,513 desperate for work. 98 00:03:49,649 --> 00:03:52,551 Publishers rake in the cash, and unsuspecting kids 99 00:03:52,619 --> 00:03:54,153 get ten books a year 100 00:03:54,221 --> 00:03:56,255 by their favorite "author." 101 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,889 (gasps) Everything I believed about "young adult" literature 102 00:03:59,957 --> 00:04:00,956 is a lie! 103 00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:03,356 (sobbing) 104 00:04:03,422 --> 00:04:06,957 HOMER: It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head. 105 00:04:07,025 --> 00:04:08,891 Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus. 106 00:04:08,959 --> 00:04:11,759 HOMER: I demand to speak to my paleontologist! 107 00:04:17,175 --> 00:04:18,642 Can I have my allowance Early? 108 00:04:18,709 --> 00:04:20,910 I need to buy some carbon-offset credits 109 00:04:20,978 --> 00:04:23,946 so I can burn all my Angelica Button books. 110 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,288 Oh, honey, I'm sorry your book lady turned 111 00:04:26,313 --> 00:04:28,018 out to be a dinosaur. 112 00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:30,250 But you liked the stories when you read them. 113 00:04:30,318 --> 00:04:31,584 So what does it matter? 114 00:04:31,652 --> 00:04:33,452 Doesn't it bother you that Betty Crocker 115 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,854 is an invention of '20s-era ad men? 116 00:04:35,921 --> 00:04:38,188 I know you're hurting, but that's no reason 117 00:04:38,256 --> 00:04:40,356 to lash out at me. 118 00:04:40,424 --> 00:04:42,492 Can you believe publishers would lie to their readers 119 00:04:42,559 --> 00:04:44,327 just to make an easy million bucks? 120 00:04:44,394 --> 00:04:46,328 A million bucks?! 121 00:04:46,396 --> 00:04:48,197 Every book on the "young adult" charts 122 00:04:48,264 --> 00:04:49,898 is written by five idiots 123 00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:52,065 who just want to take advantage of kids. 124 00:04:52,132 --> 00:04:53,933 (gasps) I know five idiots! 125 00:04:54,001 --> 00:04:58,103 And they just cash their checks and get away with it every time. 126 00:04:58,171 --> 00:04:59,538 It's the perfect crime. 127 00:04:59,606 --> 00:05:01,540 As long as you don't mind betraying the trust 128 00:05:01,608 --> 00:05:03,276 of vulnerable young minds. 129 00:05:03,343 --> 00:05:06,145 The perfect crime, eh? 130 00:05:06,212 --> 00:05:08,112 ♪ ♪ 131 00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:13,581 (video game weapon blasting) 132 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,284 Whatever the job is, I'm not interested. 133 00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,687 A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours. 134 00:05:19,755 --> 00:05:21,589 I like the beat, play me the tune. 135 00:05:21,657 --> 00:05:23,423 We're taking down kids who read. 136 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:24,957 Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach. 137 00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:25,858 But what's the cream? 138 00:05:25,883 --> 00:05:27,836 I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write. 139 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,563 - Tween-lit gang-write? - Tween-lit gang-write. 140 00:05:29,631 --> 00:05:31,299 But this Babar needs a Zephyr. 141 00:05:31,366 --> 00:05:32,902 A Zephyr? You're the Zephyr. 142 00:05:32,970 --> 00:05:34,538 This better not turn out like Kansas City. 143 00:05:34,606 --> 00:05:36,741 It won't be like Kansas City. 144 00:05:40,546 --> 00:05:42,280 ♪ ♪ 145 00:05:44,116 --> 00:05:47,285 Come on, Skinner, you're the best kid-man in the business. 146 00:05:47,353 --> 00:05:49,219 You've read their notes, searched their lockers-- 147 00:05:49,287 --> 00:05:50,687 you know how tweens think. 148 00:05:50,755 --> 00:05:51,854 (chuckles) Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen, 149 00:05:51,922 --> 00:05:53,489 I've got a nice, quiet life here 150 00:05:53,557 --> 00:05:55,657 and I mean to keep it that way. 151 00:05:55,725 --> 00:05:57,693 Your friends are looking at my bloomers! 152 00:05:57,761 --> 00:05:58,960 Wash 'em again! 153 00:05:59,028 --> 00:05:59,761 (groans) 154 00:06:01,096 --> 00:06:02,630 With your share of the money, 155 00:06:02,698 --> 00:06:04,865 you could get your own studio apartment. 156 00:06:04,933 --> 00:06:08,101 The refrigerator could have my magnets on it. 157 00:06:08,169 --> 00:06:09,302 I'm in. 158 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,238 Come on, beautiful, I can't do the job without you. 159 00:06:13,305 --> 00:06:14,472 So, what do you say... 160 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,473 D'oh! 161 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:16,508 Ow. 162 00:06:16,575 --> 00:06:18,076 Our crew needs you, Bouvier. 163 00:06:18,143 --> 00:06:19,477 You've read enough fantasy novels 164 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,979 to choke a hippogriff. PATTY: Mm... 165 00:06:22,047 --> 00:06:25,415 It's true. I'm fluent in every imaginary language, 166 00:06:25,483 --> 00:06:27,717 from Dothraki to Parseltongue. 167 00:06:27,785 --> 00:06:30,519 (speaking Parseltongue) 168 00:06:32,055 --> 00:06:34,523 I wouldn't join one of your harebrained schemes 169 00:06:34,591 --> 00:06:37,526 for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto! 170 00:06:37,594 --> 00:06:39,395 We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny. 171 00:06:39,462 --> 00:06:40,563 Sorry, guys. 172 00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:42,398 I just adopted a capuchin monkey, 173 00:06:42,466 --> 00:06:44,734 and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase. 174 00:06:46,069 --> 00:06:47,469 Wait, wait, wait, I want in! 175 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,470 What does your crew need, a safecracker? 176 00:06:49,471 --> 00:06:50,222 A-A wheel man? 177 00:06:50,247 --> 00:06:51,447 The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel. 178 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,777 Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish 179 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,483 five modestly successful children's books. 180 00:06:58,912 --> 00:07:00,345 Hmm? 181 00:07:00,413 --> 00:07:03,282 All we need now is a computer guy. 182 00:07:03,349 --> 00:07:04,783 Do you have a computer? 183 00:07:04,851 --> 00:07:06,050 (coughs) Uh, yes. 184 00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:07,518 You're in. In what? 185 00:07:07,586 --> 00:07:09,720 I keep going over the job from every angle, 186 00:07:09,788 --> 00:07:12,656 but I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something. 187 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:15,992 Relax. With the team we put together, 188 00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:18,761 our book'll fly off the shelves, 189 00:07:18,829 --> 00:07:23,064 and we'll be sipping Mai Tais on a beach in Shelbyville. 190 00:07:23,131 --> 00:07:25,799 You're group-writing a book? 191 00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,735 But the only reason anyone would ever do that is... (gasps) 192 00:07:28,802 --> 00:07:30,170 (whispers): profit! 193 00:07:30,238 --> 00:07:32,406 Like no one ever writes for money, Lisa. 194 00:07:32,474 --> 00:07:33,902 I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare 195 00:07:33,927 --> 00:07:35,127 missing too many meals. 196 00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:36,844 I'll show you! 197 00:07:36,912 --> 00:07:38,946 I'll write a book myself! 198 00:07:39,014 --> 00:07:41,515 A personal story my readers will connect with. 199 00:07:41,582 --> 00:07:43,449 Wait, you're gonna be all the guys? 200 00:07:43,517 --> 00:07:44,651 How would that work? 201 00:07:44,718 --> 00:07:46,286 (frustrated groan) 202 00:07:48,989 --> 00:07:50,990 This is how real writers do it. 203 00:07:51,058 --> 00:07:53,959 I'll just bang out 2,000 words, and then I'll stop-- 204 00:07:54,027 --> 00:07:55,661 even if I'm on fire. 205 00:07:55,729 --> 00:07:57,563 I got to pace myself. (chuckles) 206 00:07:57,631 --> 00:07:58,965 Chapter one. 207 00:07:59,033 --> 00:08:02,102 Wait. I can't start without music to inspire me. 208 00:08:02,169 --> 00:08:04,403 Why is Bach next to Muddy Waters? 209 00:08:04,471 --> 00:08:07,370 That's my problem-- I got to get these CDs organized. 210 00:08:07,438 --> 00:08:09,905 (classical music playing) 211 00:08:09,971 --> 00:08:11,271 There. Finished. 212 00:08:11,339 --> 00:08:14,405 Now, if I win just two more games of online Boggle, 213 00:08:14,473 --> 00:08:16,073 I'll be ready to start writing. 214 00:08:16,141 --> 00:08:18,742 Spot, stop, sop, top-tops, 215 00:08:18,810 --> 00:08:21,477 pot-pots, opt-opts... 216 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:22,712 Post! 217 00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:25,848 ♪ ♪ 218 00:08:25,915 --> 00:08:27,883 Okay, we've cased a lot of tween books. 219 00:08:27,950 --> 00:08:29,317 What's their M.O.? 220 00:08:29,385 --> 00:08:31,853 The heroes are all orphans. 221 00:08:31,921 --> 00:08:34,220 And they're set in a place kids relate to-- 222 00:08:34,287 --> 00:08:35,754 say... a school-- 223 00:08:35,822 --> 00:08:37,756 but it's actually magic. 224 00:08:37,824 --> 00:08:40,024 And the protagonist always discovers 225 00:08:40,092 --> 00:08:42,092 that he is supernatural. 226 00:08:42,159 --> 00:08:44,360 Okay, our book will be about 227 00:08:44,427 --> 00:08:48,463 an orphan who goes to a magical school 228 00:08:48,530 --> 00:08:51,866 where he discovers he's... a vampire! 229 00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:53,468 Vampires... 230 00:08:53,535 --> 00:08:54,936 like these? HOMER: Huh? 231 00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:56,270 PATTY: Or those? HOMER: Huh? 232 00:08:56,338 --> 00:08:58,071 PATTY: Or these guys? HOMER: Huh?! 233 00:08:58,139 --> 00:09:00,339 (frustrated groans) 234 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,974 So many vampires! With the fangs and the capes 235 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,543 and the medals-- nobody knows how they earned them. 236 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:06,778 Hey, this job's falling apart. 237 00:09:06,845 --> 00:09:08,113 Everyone head for a different airport, 238 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,383 and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces. 239 00:09:10,451 --> 00:09:12,319 (two gunshots) 240 00:09:12,387 --> 00:09:14,353 No one's going anywhere. 241 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:17,022 Okay? The vampire genre is sucked out. 242 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,925 All we got to do is find a new monster to be our hero. 243 00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:22,727 KIDS: Aah! A troll! 244 00:09:22,795 --> 00:09:24,228 Hey, I ain't a troll. 245 00:09:24,296 --> 00:09:26,763 Look, I bleed red, just like you. 246 00:09:26,831 --> 00:09:29,799 Th-The first part is always green, but it turns red. 247 00:09:29,867 --> 00:09:31,200 A troll! That's it! 248 00:09:31,268 --> 00:09:33,369 Our book could be about an orphan troll! 249 00:09:33,436 --> 00:09:34,970 Trolls live under bridges-- 250 00:09:35,037 --> 00:09:37,272 the school should be under a bridge. 251 00:09:37,339 --> 00:09:38,539 The Brooklyn Bridge! 252 00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:39,907 And the cool kids are elves. 253 00:09:39,975 --> 00:09:41,476 The cheerleaders are pixies. 254 00:09:41,543 --> 00:09:43,377 The stoners are... 255 00:09:43,445 --> 00:09:44,912 (snaps fingers) gargoyles! 256 00:09:44,979 --> 00:09:46,746 And they play a complicated sport 257 00:09:46,814 --> 00:09:49,049 which makes no sense called Fuzzlepitch! 258 00:09:49,116 --> 00:09:50,550 Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good! 259 00:09:50,618 --> 00:09:51,851 (chuckles) We've cracked it. 260 00:09:51,919 --> 00:09:53,686 We're gonna be rich! 261 00:09:53,754 --> 00:09:54,887 MAN: Pardon me, 262 00:09:54,955 --> 00:09:57,189 but are you scheming to coauthor 263 00:09:57,256 --> 00:10:00,092 a successful series of children's fantasy novels? 264 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,627 Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how good you are at eavesdropping 265 00:10:02,695 --> 00:10:04,029 without a throat! 266 00:10:04,096 --> 00:10:06,564 Don't kill him! That's Neil Gaiman. 267 00:10:06,632 --> 00:10:09,332 I don't care if he's the guy who wrote Sandman Volume One: 268 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,601 Preludes and Nocturnes-- 269 00:10:10,668 --> 00:10:13,103 no one spies on us! 270 00:10:13,171 --> 00:10:15,772 Perhaps someone of my experience 271 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,074 would be a valuable addition to your... crew. 272 00:10:19,142 --> 00:10:22,678 The king of fantasy books on our fantasy book-writing team? 273 00:10:22,745 --> 00:10:24,346 Okay, Gaiman, you're in. 274 00:10:24,414 --> 00:10:25,915 Your job is to get lunch. 275 00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:27,550 And lose the British accent. 276 00:10:27,618 --> 00:10:29,618 (with American accent): Cheeseburgers, French fries. 277 00:10:29,686 --> 00:10:31,721 I'm all over that, pal. 278 00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,557 Sitting in a coffee shop. 279 00:10:34,625 --> 00:10:37,558 I couldn't feel more like a real writer. (sighs) 280 00:10:37,626 --> 00:10:41,859 Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in case I need to do some research. 281 00:10:41,926 --> 00:10:44,260 But if I'm gonna use their free Internet, 282 00:10:44,328 --> 00:10:46,362 I really should buy something. 283 00:10:46,430 --> 00:10:48,198 God, I love being a writer! 284 00:10:49,935 --> 00:10:52,437 ♪ ♪ 285 00:10:57,442 --> 00:10:59,276 ♪ ♪ 286 00:11:02,847 --> 00:11:05,047 ♪ ♪ 287 00:11:23,764 --> 00:11:26,632 "And so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard 288 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,768 "in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read, 289 00:11:28,836 --> 00:11:31,905 "'Your parents are alive.' 290 00:11:31,972 --> 00:11:33,606 "Gregor turned to his twin sister, 291 00:11:33,674 --> 00:11:35,507 "and they both understood, 292 00:11:35,575 --> 00:11:37,843 their journey was just beginning." 293 00:11:37,911 --> 00:11:39,444 The end. 294 00:11:39,512 --> 00:11:41,045 (applause) 295 00:11:41,113 --> 00:11:43,047 (Moe cries) It's good. 296 00:11:43,115 --> 00:11:44,981 Weekly Reader Star Selection good. 297 00:11:45,049 --> 00:11:48,947 I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is. 298 00:11:49,015 --> 00:11:51,014 Who wants to see my cover ♪ mock-up?! ♪ 299 00:11:51,081 --> 00:11:52,648 (whirring) 300 00:11:54,817 --> 00:11:58,151 "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 301 00:11:58,219 --> 00:12:00,386 I'm so proud of us. 302 00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:02,321 Oh, you didn't write any of it. 303 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,890 That tuna didn't salad itself. 304 00:12:04,959 --> 00:12:06,393 (muttering) 305 00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,796 (gasps) I've got it! 306 00:12:08,864 --> 00:12:12,434 A mermaid falls in love with a boy on land. 307 00:12:12,502 --> 00:12:14,738 I'm a genius! 308 00:12:14,805 --> 00:12:16,306 (yells) 309 00:12:16,373 --> 00:12:18,674 Writing is the hardest thing ever! 310 00:12:18,742 --> 00:12:20,576 (whirring) Huh? 311 00:12:20,644 --> 00:12:23,679 Hope you don't mind us printing our book in your room, Lis. 312 00:12:23,747 --> 00:12:25,881 Yeah, only your professional-strength 313 00:12:25,949 --> 00:12:28,683 output tray can handle the weight of our manuscript. 314 00:12:28,751 --> 00:12:30,050 Correction. Finished manuscript. 315 00:12:30,118 --> 00:12:31,252 Whoo-hoo! 316 00:12:31,319 --> 00:12:32,454 (groans) 317 00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:34,457 ♪ ♪ 318 00:12:39,203 --> 00:12:40,803 ♪ ♪ 319 00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:52,163 MAN: Trolls in a magical 320 00:12:52,164 --> 00:12:53,964 prep school under the Brooklyn Bridge? 321 00:12:54,032 --> 00:12:56,166 - Interesting. GROUP: Whoo! 322 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:58,802 This is a really good book. 323 00:12:58,869 --> 00:13:00,470 We know. We wrote it. 324 00:13:00,538 --> 00:13:03,539 I laminated the lunch menu and put them ia binder. 325 00:13:03,607 --> 00:13:05,875 But we have a problem here. Where's your fake author? 326 00:13:05,942 --> 00:13:06,976 Fake author? 327 00:13:07,043 --> 00:13:08,544 Fake author! 328 00:13:08,611 --> 00:13:10,211 If you don't have a made-up author 329 00:13:10,279 --> 00:13:12,147 with an inspirational tale, you don't have a book! 330 00:13:12,214 --> 00:13:13,614 Where's your Franklin W. Dixon? 331 00:13:13,682 --> 00:13:14,882 Where's your T.R. Francis? 332 00:13:14,949 --> 00:13:17,084 Where's your Stephen King? 333 00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:21,221 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 334 00:13:21,289 --> 00:13:23,623 We forgot to create a fake author! 335 00:13:23,691 --> 00:13:25,091 That was Gaiman's job. 336 00:13:25,158 --> 00:13:26,558 Let's acid melt him in a bathtub! 337 00:13:26,626 --> 00:13:28,059 Okay, stay frosty. 338 00:13:28,127 --> 00:13:30,061 All we need to do is find some sap 339 00:13:30,128 --> 00:13:31,895 to pretend to be the writer of our book. 340 00:13:31,963 --> 00:13:34,397 So hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna-be author. 341 00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:39,101 ♪ ♪ 342 00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:43,705 Coming to the book fair sure was a great idea. 343 00:13:43,773 --> 00:13:45,474 'Cause you can't write 344 00:13:45,541 --> 00:13:47,475 if you don't know what the competition's up to! 345 00:13:47,543 --> 00:13:48,710 (wry laugh) 346 00:13:51,113 --> 00:13:53,145 A dog wrote a bestseller?! 347 00:13:53,213 --> 00:13:54,613 (yells) 348 00:13:54,681 --> 00:13:56,748 All I've done is procrastinate! 349 00:13:56,816 --> 00:13:59,017 Ah, who am I kidding? 350 00:13:59,085 --> 00:14:01,919 There will never be a book with my name on it. 351 00:14:01,987 --> 00:14:04,955 Or... your name could be on a book in ten minutes. 352 00:14:05,023 --> 00:14:06,689 Do I have to do any writing? 353 00:14:06,757 --> 00:14:08,591 No. I'm in. 354 00:14:08,658 --> 00:14:10,959 ♪ ♪ 355 00:14:13,028 --> 00:14:15,262 Ah, a preteen prodigy. 356 00:14:15,330 --> 00:14:17,467 I like the hook. What's the phony back story? 357 00:14:19,203 --> 00:14:21,104 I was raised in a traveling circus. 358 00:14:21,172 --> 00:14:24,207 My mother was a lady ringmaster, and my father was a lion barber. 359 00:14:24,274 --> 00:14:26,208 I wrote my first story with clown lipstick 360 00:14:26,276 --> 00:14:27,609 on a flattened popcorn box. 361 00:14:27,677 --> 00:14:29,244 It was featured in The New Yorker's 362 00:14:29,311 --> 00:14:30,745 "Best Forty Under Four" issue. 363 00:14:30,813 --> 00:14:32,613 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 364 00:14:32,681 --> 00:14:35,382 Is R.L. Stine here, 'cause you just gave me Goosebumps? 365 00:14:35,449 --> 00:14:37,386 (laughter) Oh, good one, boss. 366 00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:39,022 Congratulations. 367 00:14:39,089 --> 00:14:41,590 You just sold your book for a million dollars. 368 00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:44,626 ♪ ♪ (cash register rings) 369 00:14:46,995 --> 00:14:48,930 Gentlemen, 370 00:14:48,997 --> 00:14:51,866 to The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 371 00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:53,001 (whooping) Yeah! 372 00:14:53,068 --> 00:14:54,435 So, does this square us 373 00:14:54,503 --> 00:14:55,869 for Kansas City? 374 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:58,805 Square as Golden Books, Pop. 375 00:14:58,873 --> 00:15:00,273 What happened to me? 376 00:15:00,341 --> 00:15:02,007 In one vulnerable moment, 377 00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:05,744 I became the thing I hated most-- a literary fraud. 378 00:15:05,812 --> 00:15:08,947 But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved. 379 00:15:09,014 --> 00:15:10,781 Not just by Milhouses. 380 00:15:10,849 --> 00:15:13,351 You'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders, 381 00:15:13,418 --> 00:15:15,052 even Aidens. 382 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,654 Aw, I've always wanted an Aiden. 383 00:15:16,722 --> 00:15:18,289 (door creaks open) 384 00:15:18,357 --> 00:15:20,458 Here it is, an advance copy. 385 00:15:22,527 --> 00:15:27,627 "The Vampire Twins Of Transylvania Prep"?! 386 00:15:27,695 --> 00:15:29,162 Where's the trolls? 387 00:15:30,498 --> 00:15:32,533 The trolls are now vampires, 388 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,335 the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, 389 00:15:34,403 --> 00:15:36,570 and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball. 390 00:15:36,638 --> 00:15:39,072 Oh, weak! Weak and lame! 391 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,907 How could the publishers change our book? 392 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:43,509 If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, 393 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,210 the whole thing would be vampires, 394 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,647 instead of the pope's private naked dude mural. 395 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,349 Look, we market-tested the book, 396 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,618 and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing. 397 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,152 I mean dinged. 398 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:56,254 So we made some changes. Don't feel bad. 399 00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:58,055 Before we got our hands on Twilight, 400 00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,090 it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem. 401 00:16:00,158 --> 00:16:02,025 But teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances 402 00:16:02,093 --> 00:16:03,560 to join Team Schmul. 403 00:16:03,627 --> 00:16:05,328 But the trolls were the best part! 404 00:16:05,396 --> 00:16:08,331 Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool? 405 00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:10,700 - No. - Oh, that is so untrolly! 406 00:16:10,768 --> 00:16:12,103 Hey, if you don't want your words changed, 407 00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:13,904 write a screenplay. 408 00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:16,106 We own your book, so why don't you go and cry 409 00:16:16,174 --> 00:16:17,607 into your million-dollar check? 410 00:16:17,675 --> 00:16:19,976 How could they do this to our book? 411 00:16:20,043 --> 00:16:23,310 It was the singular vision of seven people. 412 00:16:23,378 --> 00:16:25,646 - No way! - What you're feeling is called 413 00:16:25,714 --> 00:16:27,114 pride of authorship. 414 00:16:27,182 --> 00:16:29,014 You thought you only cared about money, 415 00:16:29,082 --> 00:16:32,717 but you actually care more about what you've created together. 416 00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,418 British Fonzie is right. 417 00:16:35,486 --> 00:16:39,155 Our story is actually more important than money. 418 00:16:39,223 --> 00:16:41,290 I was gonna buy the apartment next door 419 00:16:41,358 --> 00:16:44,694 and fill it with dolls, but now that just sounds stupid. 420 00:16:44,761 --> 00:16:47,262 They can't do this to us. We've got to fight back! 421 00:16:47,330 --> 00:16:49,030 Yeah, let's get 'em! - Oh, yeah! - He's right. 422 00:16:49,098 --> 00:16:50,431 We got to fight... 423 00:16:50,499 --> 00:16:51,865 Rule number one of book heists-- 424 00:16:51,932 --> 00:16:53,499 never fall in love with the book. 425 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:55,734 We queer the deal, we lose the money. 426 00:16:55,802 --> 00:16:57,636 Bart, remember the thousand-year war 427 00:16:57,704 --> 00:16:59,437 between the trolls and the ogres? 428 00:16:59,455 --> 00:17:00,393 Yeah? 429 00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:03,493 Now it's a dance contest at the vampire prom. 430 00:17:03,508 --> 00:17:04,808 (gasps) 431 00:17:06,510 --> 00:17:08,111 Let's steal back our book. 432 00:17:14,472 --> 00:17:16,305 ♪ ♪ 433 00:17:20,676 --> 00:17:22,440 Somewhere in that building is a computer 434 00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:24,608 with their sucky version of our masterpiece. 435 00:17:24,676 --> 00:17:26,109 The book prints at midnight, 436 00:17:26,177 --> 00:17:28,011 so if we swap in the original version, 437 00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:30,279 they'll print the wrong book-- our book. 438 00:17:30,347 --> 00:17:33,181 And before the publishers can do anything about it, 439 00:17:33,248 --> 00:17:35,716 The Troll Twins Of Underbridge Academy 440 00:17:35,784 --> 00:17:37,952 will be in every bookstore in America! 441 00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:40,054 This is the Fuzzlepitch Finals, 442 00:17:40,122 --> 00:17:42,322 and tonight, we drink from the Wazzle Cup! 443 00:17:42,390 --> 00:17:44,023 Hello. I'm the pizza delivery man. 444 00:17:44,091 --> 00:17:45,557 We didn't order a pizza. 445 00:17:45,625 --> 00:17:47,125 No, of course you didn't. 446 00:17:47,193 --> 00:17:49,627 The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone, 447 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:51,261 and then gives the customer the option 448 00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:53,196 of accepting or refusing delivery. 449 00:17:53,263 --> 00:17:54,997 That's a terrible business strategy. 450 00:17:55,064 --> 00:17:56,698 No, no, it's quite sound. 451 00:17:56,766 --> 00:17:58,066 Okay, fine. 452 00:17:58,133 --> 00:17:59,267 Where's the pizza? 453 00:17:59,335 --> 00:18:00,034 Pizza? 454 00:18:01,203 --> 00:18:02,970 ♪ ♪ 455 00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:26,895 The central computer's through here. 456 00:18:26,963 --> 00:18:30,263 All we have to do is upload our file and... 457 00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:34,734 Good evening, gentlemen. 458 00:18:34,802 --> 00:18:36,270 Kansas City. 459 00:18:36,337 --> 00:18:38,073 (sighs) Kansas City. 460 00:18:38,140 --> 00:18:41,343 So, you thought you would un-ruin your book. 461 00:18:41,410 --> 00:18:44,143 If it's y consolation, you never had a chance. 462 00:18:44,211 --> 00:18:45,311 Whoo-hoo! All right! 463 00:18:45,379 --> 00:18:46,779 Someone in your gang 464 00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:48,548 tipped me off to your little caper. 465 00:18:48,616 --> 00:18:50,383 A traitor? 466 00:18:50,450 --> 00:18:51,917 (all grunt suspiciously) 467 00:18:51,985 --> 00:18:53,953 I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here. 468 00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:55,521 (whimpers) 469 00:18:55,589 --> 00:18:57,223 No, guys. It was me. 470 00:18:57,291 --> 00:18:58,958 - Oh, betrayal! - (all gasp) It can't be! 471 00:18:59,025 --> 00:19:00,526 It's always a dame. 472 00:19:00,594 --> 00:19:01,627 But why? 473 00:19:01,694 --> 00:19:03,060 Because a little girl 474 00:19:03,128 --> 00:19:04,694 wants her dream to come true. 475 00:19:05,930 --> 00:19:08,498 LISA: My name is finally on a book! 476 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,569 And they're letting me write the sequel! 477 00:19:10,637 --> 00:19:13,905 A hard deadline is just the kick in the pants I need 478 00:19:13,973 --> 00:19:16,707 to focus and get some serious writing done. 479 00:19:16,775 --> 00:19:20,344 Now to enter the password and to authorize final publication. 480 00:19:20,411 --> 00:19:22,912 My favorite theme of a wall calendar. 481 00:19:24,348 --> 00:19:26,316 Lisa, would you care to do the honors? 482 00:19:27,752 --> 00:19:30,253 I'm sorry. 483 00:19:32,022 --> 00:19:33,222 (click) 484 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,892 (whirring) 485 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,762 Oh, by the way, the audio book is only available... abridged. 486 00:19:40,830 --> 00:19:42,597 Abridged! 487 00:19:42,665 --> 00:19:44,665 (cackling) 488 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:48,602 Well, we may have lost, but we gave the bad guy a laugh. 489 00:19:48,670 --> 00:19:50,637 That's something. 490 00:19:53,908 --> 00:19:55,476 Our book! The real one! 491 00:19:55,544 --> 00:19:56,877 Yes! (laughs) 492 00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,512 ♪ Wonderful words! ♪ 493 00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,680 - No need to thank me, boys. HOMER: Hey, 494 00:20:00,748 --> 00:20:05,050 you wouldn't say that unless there was a need to thank you. 495 00:20:05,118 --> 00:20:07,652 You could never have printed your version of the book 496 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,154 without the publisher's password, 497 00:20:10,222 --> 00:20:12,889 so I pretended to betray you. 498 00:20:12,957 --> 00:20:14,858 Then after he typed the password, 499 00:20:14,926 --> 00:20:17,994 I secretly switched the flash drives. 500 00:20:18,062 --> 00:20:20,330 You switched the drives? 501 00:20:20,397 --> 00:20:23,532 I got the idea from every movie ever made. 502 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,767 ♪ ♪ 503 00:20:32,442 --> 00:20:34,876 And the best part is, 504 00:20:34,944 --> 00:20:36,710 my face is still on the back flap. 505 00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:38,444 (gasps) 506 00:20:38,511 --> 00:20:39,811 Gaiman! 507 00:20:45,718 --> 00:20:48,953 Poor Lisa. Did it never occur to her that there might be 508 00:20:49,021 --> 00:20:51,022 three flash drives? 509 00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:54,759 I've heisted my way to the bestseller list once again. 510 00:20:54,827 --> 00:20:57,428 And the most brilliant part is, 511 00:20:57,496 --> 00:21:00,330 I don't even know how to read. 512 00:21:00,397 --> 00:21:04,397 == sync, corrected by elderman == 513 00:21:11,342 --> 00:21:12,842 (laughing) 514 00:21:14,445 --> 00:21:18,247 Gaiman, I've been waiting to do this for a long time. 515 00:21:18,315 --> 00:21:19,181 (yells) 516 00:21:20,784 --> 00:21:22,651 Congratulations, partner. 517 00:21:22,719 --> 00:21:24,953 We did it. 518 00:21:25,021 --> 00:21:27,321 Hey, Neil, how come you watched me drink mine, 519 00:21:27,389 --> 00:21:28,822 but you didn't drink yours? 520 00:21:28,890 --> 00:21:30,324 It's simple, Moe. 521 00:21:30,392 --> 00:21:32,627 I don't like the taste... of poison. 522 00:21:32,695 --> 00:21:35,729 Ah... crap. 523 00:21:52,331 --> 00:21:53,525 Shh!