1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 ♪ The Simpsons 23x06 ♪ The Book Job Original Air Date on November 20, 2011 2 00:00:04,001 --> 00:00:07,001 == sync, corrected by elderman == 3 00:00:11,731 --> 00:00:14,827 Our journey begins 65 million years ago 4 00:00:14,895 --> 00:00:18,399 when amazing creatures took their first steps. 5 00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,303 It's so cute that all these children 6 00:00:20,370 --> 00:00:23,009 are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs. 7 00:00:28,789 --> 00:00:29,989 These aren't dinosaurs! 8 00:00:30,057 --> 00:00:32,023 Dinosaurs sing! 9 00:00:32,891 --> 00:00:35,526 I want to go back in Mommy! 10 00:00:38,166 --> 00:00:39,134 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! 11 00:00:39,201 --> 00:00:41,536 I paid $800 for five minutes! 12 00:00:41,604 --> 00:00:45,040 The dinosaurs ruled the Earth for millions of years, 13 00:00:45,108 --> 00:00:47,577 until a massive asteroid collided with the Earth, 14 00:00:47,644 --> 00:00:49,379 bringing their reign to an end. 15 00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:56,555 Ex-tinct! 16 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:59,559 So remember, take good care of the Earth, 17 00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:02,831 or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. 18 00:01:02,899 --> 00:01:05,335 Ooh, kids, did you hear that lesson? 19 00:01:05,403 --> 00:01:07,172 How is that the lesson? 20 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,841 The point of the dinosaurs is, 21 00:01:08,909 --> 00:01:12,212 no matter what we do, an asteroid's gonna wipe us out, 22 00:01:12,279 --> 00:01:15,549 so we should party hard and wreck the place! 23 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,287 Yeah! Why should the asteroid have all the fun! 24 00:01:22,328 --> 00:01:24,597 What? They've got a point. 25 00:01:29,471 --> 00:01:30,905 Gift shop! Gift shop! 26 00:01:32,742 --> 00:01:35,779 All right, you can each have one toy. 27 00:01:37,015 --> 00:01:38,616 Lisa has a big toy. 28 00:01:38,684 --> 00:01:41,218 No fair. That means I get two small toys. 29 00:01:41,286 --> 00:01:43,387 No fair. This isn't big, it's medium! 30 00:01:43,455 --> 00:01:46,458 No fair! Then I get four small toys and Lisa gets 31 00:01:46,483 --> 00:01:47,883 one medium and one small. 32 00:01:48,227 --> 00:01:50,295 What?! He gets four and I only get two? 33 00:01:50,363 --> 00:01:51,496 No fair! 34 00:01:51,564 --> 00:01:52,898 All right, that's it! Forget it! 35 00:01:52,965 --> 00:01:53,932 No toys for anyone! 36 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,671 Okay, Maggie gets a toy. 37 00:01:58,738 --> 00:02:00,006 No fair! No fair! 38 00:02:00,073 --> 00:02:01,875 Choke on fossil poop! 39 00:02:06,949 --> 00:02:09,151 Hey, I know you. 40 00:02:10,453 --> 00:02:12,088 Wait! Wait! Come back! 41 00:02:12,156 --> 00:02:14,324 Dad, follow that dinosaur! 44 00:02:24,965 --> 00:02:26,166 coming through! 45 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,302 Stegosaurus back plates, used for either defense 46 00:02:28,369 --> 00:02:30,738 or control of body temperature, coming through! 47 00:02:32,941 --> 00:02:34,142 So tired. 48 00:02:34,209 --> 00:02:35,276 Go on without me. 49 00:02:43,419 --> 00:02:45,353 You're T.R. Francis! 50 00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:46,921 You wrote 51 00:02:46,988 --> 00:02:48,322 the Angelica Button books. 52 00:02:48,390 --> 00:02:50,424 They're my favorite fantasy novels. 53 00:02:50,492 --> 00:02:52,593 Um, yes, it's me, 54 00:02:52,661 --> 00:02:55,897 the creator of your beloved magical world, 55 00:02:55,965 --> 00:02:57,933 full of whimsy and, uh... 56 00:02:58,001 --> 00:02:59,168 chapters. 57 00:02:59,236 --> 00:03:00,736 Now, off you go. Bye-bye, now. 58 00:03:00,804 --> 00:03:03,040 But why are you working at a dinosaur show? 59 00:03:03,107 --> 00:03:04,908 And why did you run away from me? 60 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,877 And how did Angelica get a new wand 61 00:03:06,945 --> 00:03:09,480 after Baron Mortdeath burned the Wandwood Forest? And... 62 00:03:09,548 --> 00:03:11,416 Look, you seem like a smart kid, 63 00:03:11,484 --> 00:03:12,717 so here's the truth. 64 00:03:12,785 --> 00:03:14,820 T.R. Francis isn't real. 65 00:03:14,888 --> 00:03:17,090 Of course you're real. 66 00:03:17,157 --> 00:03:19,993 Everybody knows you got the idea for this series 67 00:03:20,061 --> 00:03:21,895 after an explosion at a crumpet factory 68 00:03:21,963 --> 00:03:24,064 knocked you off a double-decker bus. 69 00:03:24,131 --> 00:03:26,133 How could that be made up? 70 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,568 I'm just an actress they use for the jacket photo. 71 00:03:29,636 --> 00:03:32,603 That inspirational life story is pure fiction. 72 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,704 Oh, I hate to break it to you, 73 00:03:34,772 --> 00:03:36,973 but all the books you kids love 74 00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:39,075 are conceived in executive boardrooms. 75 00:03:39,143 --> 00:03:41,677 The plots are based on market research, 76 00:03:41,744 --> 00:03:43,511 and the pages are churned out 77 00:03:43,579 --> 00:03:46,380 by a room full of pill-popping lit majors 78 00:03:46,448 --> 00:03:47,913 desperate for work. 79 00:03:50,049 --> 00:03:52,951 Publishers rake in the cash, and unsuspecting kids 80 00:03:53,019 --> 00:03:54,553 get ten books a year 81 00:03:54,621 --> 00:03:56,655 by their favorite "author." 82 00:03:56,723 --> 00:04:00,289 Everything I believed about "young adult" literature 83 00:04:00,357 --> 00:04:01,356 is a lie! 84 00:04:03,822 --> 00:04:07,357 It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head. 85 00:04:07,425 --> 00:04:09,291 Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus. 86 00:04:09,359 --> 00:04:12,159 I demand to speak to my paleontologist! 87 00:04:17,635 --> 00:04:19,102 Can I buy lunch early? 88 00:04:19,169 --> 00:04:21,370 I need to buy some carbon-offset credits 89 00:04:21,438 --> 00:04:24,406 so I can burn all my Angelica Button books. 90 00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:26,748 Oh, honey, I'm sorry your book lady turned 91 00:04:26,773 --> 00:04:28,478 out to be a dinosaur. 92 00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:30,710 But you liked the stories when you read them. 93 00:04:30,778 --> 00:04:32,044 So what does it matter? 94 00:04:32,112 --> 00:04:33,912 Doesn't it bother you that Betty Crocker 95 00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:36,314 is an invention of '20s-era ad men? 96 00:04:36,381 --> 00:04:38,648 I know you're hurting, but that's no reason 97 00:04:38,716 --> 00:04:40,816 to lash out at me. 98 00:04:40,884 --> 00:04:42,952 Can you believe publishers would lie to their readers 99 00:04:43,019 --> 00:04:44,787 just to make an easy million bucks? 100 00:04:44,854 --> 00:04:46,788 A million bucks?! 101 00:04:46,856 --> 00:04:48,657 Every book on the "young adult" charts 102 00:04:48,724 --> 00:04:50,358 is written by five idiots 103 00:04:50,425 --> 00:04:52,525 who just want to take advantage of kids. 104 00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,393 I know five idiots! 105 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:58,563 And they just cash their checks and get away with it every time. 106 00:04:58,631 --> 00:04:59,998 It's the perfect crime. 107 00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,000 As long as you don't mind betraying the trust 108 00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,736 of vulnerable young minds. 109 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,605 The perfect crime, eh? 110 00:05:06,672 --> 00:05:08,572 ♪ ♪ 111 00:05:16,210 --> 00:05:17,744 Whatever the job is, I'm not interested. 112 00:05:17,811 --> 00:05:20,147 A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours. 113 00:05:20,215 --> 00:05:22,049 I like the beat, play me the tune. 114 00:05:22,117 --> 00:05:23,883 We're taking down kids who read. 115 00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:25,417 Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach. 116 00:05:25,418 --> 00:05:26,318 But what's the cream? 117 00:05:26,343 --> 00:05:28,296 I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write. 118 00:05:28,388 --> 00:05:30,023 - Tween-lit gang-write? - Tween-lit gang-write. 119 00:05:30,091 --> 00:05:31,759 But this Babar needs a Zephyr. 120 00:05:31,826 --> 00:05:33,362 A Zephyr? You're the Zephyr. 121 00:05:33,430 --> 00:05:34,998 This better not turn out like Kansas City. 122 00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:37,201 It won't be like Kansas City. 123 00:05:41,006 --> 00:05:42,740 ♪ ♪ 124 00:05:44,576 --> 00:05:47,745 Come on, Skinner, you're the best kid-man in the business. 125 00:05:47,813 --> 00:05:49,679 You've read their notes, searched their lockers-- 126 00:05:49,747 --> 00:05:51,147 you know how tweens think. 127 00:05:51,215 --> 00:05:52,314 Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen, 128 00:05:52,382 --> 00:05:53,949 I've got a nice, quiet life here 129 00:05:54,017 --> 00:05:56,117 and I mean to keep it that way. 130 00:05:56,185 --> 00:05:58,153 Your friends are looking at my bloomers! 131 00:05:58,221 --> 00:05:59,420 Wash 'em again! 132 00:06:01,556 --> 00:06:03,090 With your share of the money, 133 00:06:03,158 --> 00:06:05,325 you could get your own studio apartment. 134 00:06:05,393 --> 00:06:08,561 The refrigerator could have my magnets on it. 135 00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:09,762 I'm in. 136 00:06:11,331 --> 00:06:13,698 Come on, beautiful, I can't do the job without you. 137 00:06:13,765 --> 00:06:14,932 So, what do you say... 138 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:15,933 D'oh! 139 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:16,968 Ow. 140 00:06:17,035 --> 00:06:18,536 Our crew needs you, Bouvier. 141 00:06:18,603 --> 00:06:19,937 You've read enough fantasy novels 142 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,439 - to choke a hippogriff. - Mm... 143 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:25,875 It's true. I'm fluent in every imaginary language, 144 00:06:25,943 --> 00:06:28,177 from Dothraki to Parseltongue. 145 00:06:32,515 --> 00:06:34,983 I wouldn't join one of your harebrained schemes 146 00:06:35,051 --> 00:06:37,986 for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto! 147 00:06:38,054 --> 00:06:39,855 We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny. 148 00:06:39,922 --> 00:06:41,023 Sorry, guys. 149 00:06:41,090 --> 00:06:42,858 I just adopted a capuchin monkey, 150 00:06:42,926 --> 00:06:45,194 and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase. 151 00:06:46,529 --> 00:06:47,929 Wait, wait, wait, I want in! 152 00:06:47,997 --> 00:06:49,930 What does your crew need, a safecracker? 153 00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:50,682 A-A wheel man? 154 00:06:50,707 --> 00:06:51,907 The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel. 155 00:06:53,299 --> 00:06:56,237 Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish 156 00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:58,943 five modestly successful children's books. 157 00:06:59,372 --> 00:07:00,805 Hmm? 158 00:07:00,873 --> 00:07:03,742 All we need now is a computer guy. 159 00:07:03,809 --> 00:07:05,243 Do you have a computer? 160 00:07:05,311 --> 00:07:06,510 Uh, yes. 161 00:07:06,578 --> 00:07:07,978 You're in. In what? 162 00:07:08,046 --> 00:07:10,180 I keep going over the job from every angle, 163 00:07:10,248 --> 00:07:13,116 but I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something. 164 00:07:13,184 --> 00:07:16,452 Relax. With the team we put together, 165 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,221 our book'll fly off the shelves, 166 00:07:19,289 --> 00:07:23,524 and we'll be sipping Mai Tais on a beach in Shelbyville. 167 00:07:23,591 --> 00:07:26,259 You're group-writing a book? 168 00:07:26,327 --> 00:07:29,195 But the only reason anyone would ever do that is... 169 00:07:29,262 --> 00:07:30,630 profit! 170 00:07:30,698 --> 00:07:32,866 Like no one ever writes for money, Lisa. 171 00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,362 I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare 172 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:35,587 missing too many meals. 173 00:07:35,870 --> 00:07:37,304 I'll show you! 174 00:07:37,372 --> 00:07:39,406 I'll write a book myself! 175 00:07:39,474 --> 00:07:41,975 A personal story my readers will connect with. 176 00:07:42,042 --> 00:07:43,909 Wait, you're gonna be all the guys? 177 00:07:43,977 --> 00:07:45,111 How would that work? 178 00:07:49,449 --> 00:07:51,450 This is how real writers do it. 179 00:07:51,518 --> 00:07:54,419 I'll just bang out 2,000 words, and then I'll stop-- 180 00:07:54,487 --> 00:07:56,121 even if I'm on fire. 181 00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:58,023 I got to pace myself. 182 00:07:58,091 --> 00:07:59,425 Chapter one. 183 00:07:59,493 --> 00:08:02,562 Wait. I can't start without music to inspire me. 184 00:08:02,629 --> 00:08:04,863 Why is Bach next to Muddy Waters? 185 00:08:04,931 --> 00:08:07,830 That's my problem-- I got to get these CDs organized. 186 00:08:10,431 --> 00:08:11,731 There. Finished. 187 00:08:11,799 --> 00:08:14,865 Now, if I win just two more games of online Boggle, 188 00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:16,533 I'll be ready to start writing. 189 00:08:16,601 --> 00:08:19,202 Spot, stop, sop, top-tops, 190 00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:21,937 pot-pots, opt-opts... 191 00:08:22,005 --> 00:08:23,172 Post! 192 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,308 ♪ ♪ 193 00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:28,343 Okay, we've cased a lot of tween books. 194 00:08:28,410 --> 00:08:29,777 What's their M.O.? 195 00:08:29,845 --> 00:08:32,313 The heroes are all orphans. 196 00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:34,680 And they're set in a place kids relate to-- 197 00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:36,214 say... a school-- 198 00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,216 but it's actually magic. 199 00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,484 And the protagonist always discovers 200 00:08:40,552 --> 00:08:42,552 that he is supernatural. 201 00:08:42,619 --> 00:08:44,820 Okay, our book will be about 202 00:08:44,887 --> 00:08:48,923 an orphan who goes to a magical school 203 00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:52,326 where he discovers he's... a vampire! 204 00:08:52,394 --> 00:08:53,928 Vampires... 205 00:08:53,995 --> 00:08:55,396 - like these? - Huh? 206 00:08:55,463 --> 00:08:56,730 - Or those? - Huh? 207 00:08:56,798 --> 00:08:58,531 - Or these guys? - Huh?! 208 00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:03,434 So many vampires! With the fangs and the capes 209 00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:06,003 and the medals-- nobody knows how they earned them. 210 00:09:06,071 --> 00:09:07,238 Hey, this job's falling apart. 211 00:09:07,305 --> 00:09:08,573 Everyone head for a different airport, 212 00:09:08,641 --> 00:09:10,843 and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces. 213 00:09:12,847 --> 00:09:14,813 No one's going anywhere. 214 00:09:14,881 --> 00:09:17,482 Okay? The vampire genre is sucked out. 215 00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:21,385 All we got to do is find a new monster to be our hero. 216 00:09:21,453 --> 00:09:23,187 Aah! A troll! 217 00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,688 Hey, I ain't a troll. 218 00:09:24,756 --> 00:09:27,223 Look, I bleed red, just like you. 219 00:09:27,291 --> 00:09:30,259 Th-The first part is always green, but it turns red. 220 00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:31,660 A troll! That's it! 221 00:09:31,728 --> 00:09:33,829 Our book could be about an orphan troll! 222 00:09:33,896 --> 00:09:35,430 Trolls live under bridges-- 223 00:09:35,497 --> 00:09:37,732 the school should be under a bridge. 224 00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:38,999 The Brooklyn Bridge! 225 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:40,367 And the cool kids are elves. 226 00:09:40,435 --> 00:09:41,936 The cheerleaders are pixies. 227 00:09:42,003 --> 00:09:43,837 The stoners are... 228 00:09:43,905 --> 00:09:45,372 gargoyles! 229 00:09:45,439 --> 00:09:47,206 And they play a complicated sport 230 00:09:47,274 --> 00:09:49,509 which makes no sense called Fuzzlepitch! 231 00:09:49,576 --> 00:09:51,010 Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good! 232 00:09:51,078 --> 00:09:52,311 We've cracked it. 233 00:09:52,379 --> 00:09:54,146 We're gonna be rich! 234 00:09:54,214 --> 00:09:55,347 Pardon me, 235 00:09:55,415 --> 00:09:57,649 but are you scheming to coauthor 236 00:09:57,716 --> 00:10:00,552 a successful series of children's fantasy novels? 237 00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:03,087 Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how good you are at eavesdropping 238 00:10:03,155 --> 00:10:04,489 without a throat! 239 00:10:04,556 --> 00:10:07,024 Don't kill him! That's Neil Gaiman. 240 00:10:07,092 --> 00:10:09,792 I don't care if he's the guy who wrote Sandman Volume One: 241 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,061 Preludes and Nocturnes-- 242 00:10:11,128 --> 00:10:13,563 no one spies on us! 243 00:10:13,631 --> 00:10:16,232 Perhaps someone of my experience 244 00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:19,534 would be a valuable addition to your... crew. 245 00:10:19,602 --> 00:10:23,138 The king of fantasy books on our fantasy book-writing team? 246 00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:24,806 Okay, Gaiman, you're in. 247 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,375 Your job is to get lunch. 248 00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:28,010 And lose the British accent. 249 00:10:28,078 --> 00:10:30,078 Cheeseburgers, French fries. 250 00:10:30,146 --> 00:10:32,181 I'm all over that, pal. 251 00:10:33,483 --> 00:10:35,017 Sitting in a coffee shop. 252 00:10:35,085 --> 00:10:38,018 I couldn't feel more like a real writer. 253 00:10:38,086 --> 00:10:42,319 Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in case I need to do some research. 254 00:10:42,386 --> 00:10:44,720 But if I'm gonna use their free Internet, 255 00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:46,822 I really should buy something. 256 00:10:46,890 --> 00:10:48,658 God, I love being a writer! 257 00:10:50,395 --> 00:10:52,897 ♪ ♪ 258 00:10:57,902 --> 00:10:59,736 ♪ ♪ 259 00:11:03,307 --> 00:11:05,507 ♪ ♪ 260 00:11:24,224 --> 00:11:27,092 "And so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard 261 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,228 "in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read, 262 00:11:29,296 --> 00:11:32,365 "'Your parents are alive.' 263 00:11:32,432 --> 00:11:34,066 "Gregor turned to his twin sister, 264 00:11:34,134 --> 00:11:35,967 "and they both understood, 265 00:11:36,035 --> 00:11:38,303 their journey was just beginning." 266 00:11:38,371 --> 00:11:39,904 The end. 267 00:11:41,573 --> 00:11:43,507 It's good. 268 00:11:43,575 --> 00:11:45,441 Weekly Reader Star Selection good. 269 00:11:45,509 --> 00:11:49,407 I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is. 270 00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,474 Who wants to see my cover ♪ mock-up?! ♪ 271 00:11:55,277 --> 00:11:58,611 "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 272 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,846 I'm so proud of us. 273 00:12:00,914 --> 00:12:02,781 Oh, you didn't write any of it. 274 00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:05,350 That tuna didn't salad itself. 275 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,256 I've got it! 276 00:12:09,324 --> 00:12:12,894 A mermaid falls in love with a boy on land. 277 00:12:12,962 --> 00:12:15,198 I'm a genius! 278 00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:19,134 Writing is the hardest thing ever! 279 00:12:19,202 --> 00:12:21,036 Huh? 280 00:12:21,104 --> 00:12:24,139 Hope you don't mind us printing our book in your room, Lis. 281 00:12:24,207 --> 00:12:26,341 Yeah, only your professional-strength 282 00:12:26,409 --> 00:12:29,143 output tray can handle the weight of our manuscript. 283 00:12:29,211 --> 00:12:30,510 Correction. Finished manuscript. 284 00:12:30,578 --> 00:12:31,712 Whoo-hoo! 285 00:12:32,982 --> 00:12:34,917 ♪ ♪ 286 00:12:39,663 --> 00:12:41,263 ♪ ♪ 287 00:12:51,607 --> 00:12:52,623 Trolls in a magical 288 00:12:52,624 --> 00:12:54,424 prep school under the Brooklyn Bridge? 289 00:12:54,492 --> 00:12:56,626 - Interesting. - Whoo! 290 00:12:56,694 --> 00:12:59,262 This is a really good book. 291 00:12:59,329 --> 00:13:00,930 We know. We wrote it. 292 00:13:00,998 --> 00:13:03,999 I laminated the lunch menu and put them in a binder. 293 00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,335 But we have a problem here. Where's your fake author? 294 00:13:06,402 --> 00:13:07,436 Fake author? 295 00:13:07,503 --> 00:13:09,004 Fake author! 296 00:13:09,071 --> 00:13:10,671 If you don't have a made-up author 297 00:13:10,739 --> 00:13:12,607 with an inspirational tale, you don't have a book! 298 00:13:12,674 --> 00:13:14,074 Where's your Franklin W. Dixon? 299 00:13:14,142 --> 00:13:15,342 Where's your T.R. Francis? 300 00:13:15,409 --> 00:13:17,544 Where's your Stephen King? 301 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,681 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 302 00:13:21,749 --> 00:13:24,083 We forgot to create a fake author! 303 00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:25,551 That was Gaiman's job. 304 00:13:25,618 --> 00:13:27,018 Let's acid melt him in a bathtub! 305 00:13:27,086 --> 00:13:28,519 Okay, stay frosty. 306 00:13:28,587 --> 00:13:30,521 All we need to do is find some sap 307 00:13:30,588 --> 00:13:32,355 to pretend to be the writer of our book. 308 00:13:32,423 --> 00:13:34,857 So hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna-be author. 309 00:13:37,393 --> 00:13:39,561 ♪ ♪ 310 00:13:41,463 --> 00:13:44,165 Coming to the book fair sure was a great idea. 311 00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:45,934 'Cause you can't write 312 00:13:46,001 --> 00:13:47,935 if you don't know what the competition's up to! 313 00:13:51,573 --> 00:13:53,605 A dog wrote a bestseller?! 314 00:13:55,141 --> 00:13:57,208 All I've done is procrastinate! 315 00:13:57,276 --> 00:13:59,477 Ah, who am I kidding? 316 00:13:59,545 --> 00:14:02,379 There will never be a book with my name on it. 317 00:14:02,447 --> 00:14:05,415 Or... your name could be on a book in ten minutes. 318 00:14:05,483 --> 00:14:07,149 Do I have to do any writing? 319 00:14:07,217 --> 00:14:09,051 No. I'm in. 320 00:14:09,118 --> 00:14:11,419 ♪ ♪ 321 00:14:13,488 --> 00:14:15,722 Ah, a preteen prodigy. 322 00:14:15,790 --> 00:14:17,927 I like the hook. What's the phony back story? 323 00:14:19,663 --> 00:14:21,564 I was raised in a traveling circus. 324 00:14:21,632 --> 00:14:24,667 My mother was a lady ringmaster, and my father was a lion barber. 325 00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:26,668 I wrote my first story with clown lipstick 326 00:14:26,736 --> 00:14:28,069 on a flattened popcorn box. 327 00:14:28,137 --> 00:14:29,704 It was featured in The New Yorker's 328 00:14:29,771 --> 00:14:31,205 "Best Forty Under Four" issue. 329 00:14:31,273 --> 00:14:33,073 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 330 00:14:33,141 --> 00:14:35,842 Is R.L. Stine here, 'cause you just gave me Goosebumps? 331 00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,846 Oh, good one, boss. 332 00:14:37,914 --> 00:14:39,482 Congratulations. 333 00:14:39,549 --> 00:14:42,050 You just sold your book for a million dollars. 334 00:14:47,455 --> 00:14:49,390 Gentlemen, 335 00:14:49,457 --> 00:14:52,326 to The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 336 00:14:52,394 --> 00:14:53,461 Yeah! 337 00:14:53,528 --> 00:14:54,895 So, does this square us 338 00:14:54,963 --> 00:14:56,329 for Kansas City? 339 00:14:56,397 --> 00:14:59,265 Square as Golden Books, Pop. 340 00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:00,733 What happened to me? 341 00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,467 In one vulnerable moment, 342 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:06,204 I became the thing I hated most-- a literary fraud. 343 00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:09,407 But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved. 344 00:15:09,474 --> 00:15:11,241 Not just by Milhouses. 345 00:15:11,309 --> 00:15:13,811 You'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders, 346 00:15:13,878 --> 00:15:15,512 even Aidens. 347 00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:17,114 Aw, I've always wanted an Aiden. 348 00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:20,918 Here it is, an advance copy. 349 00:15:22,987 --> 00:15:28,087 "The Vampire Twins Of Transylvania Prep"?! 350 00:15:28,155 --> 00:15:29,622 Where's the trolls? 351 00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:32,993 The trolls are now vampires, 352 00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:34,795 the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, 353 00:15:34,863 --> 00:15:37,030 and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball. 354 00:15:37,098 --> 00:15:39,532 Oh, weak! Weak and lame! 355 00:15:39,599 --> 00:15:41,367 How could the publishers change our book? 356 00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:43,969 If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, 357 00:15:44,036 --> 00:15:45,670 the whole thing would be vampires, 358 00:15:45,738 --> 00:15:49,107 instead of the pope's private naked dude mural. 359 00:15:49,175 --> 00:15:50,809 Look, we market-tested the book, 360 00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:53,078 and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing. 361 00:15:53,145 --> 00:15:54,612 I mean dinged. 362 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,714 So we made some changes. Don't feel bad. 363 00:15:56,782 --> 00:15:58,515 Before we got our hands on Twilight, 364 00:15:58,550 --> 00:16:00,550 it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem. 365 00:16:00,618 --> 00:16:02,485 But teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances 366 00:16:02,553 --> 00:16:04,020 to join Team Schmul. 367 00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:05,788 But the trolls were the best part! 368 00:16:05,856 --> 00:16:08,791 Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool? 369 00:16:08,859 --> 00:16:11,160 - No. - Oh, that is so untrolly! 370 00:16:11,228 --> 00:16:12,563 Hey, if you don't want your words changed, 371 00:16:12,664 --> 00:16:14,364 write a screenplay. 372 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,566 We own your book, so why don't you go and cry 373 00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:18,067 into your million-dollar check? 374 00:16:18,135 --> 00:16:20,436 How could they do this to our book? 375 00:16:20,503 --> 00:16:23,770 It was the singular vision of seven people. 376 00:16:23,838 --> 00:16:26,106 - No way! - What you're feeling is called 377 00:16:26,174 --> 00:16:27,574 pride of authorship. 378 00:16:27,642 --> 00:16:29,474 You thought you only cared about money, 379 00:16:29,542 --> 00:16:33,177 but you actually care more about what you've created together. 380 00:16:33,244 --> 00:16:35,878 British Fonzie is right. 381 00:16:35,946 --> 00:16:39,615 Our story is actually more important than money. 382 00:16:39,683 --> 00:16:41,750 I was gonna buy the apartment next door 383 00:16:41,818 --> 00:16:45,154 and fill it with dolls, but now that just sounds stupid. 384 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:47,722 They can't do this to us. We've got to fight back! 385 00:16:47,790 --> 00:16:49,490 Yeah, let's get 'em! - Oh, yeah! - He's right. 386 00:16:49,558 --> 00:16:50,891 We got to fight... 387 00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:52,325 Rule number one of book heists-- 388 00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:53,959 never fall in love with the book. 389 00:16:54,027 --> 00:16:56,194 We queer the deal, we lose the money. 390 00:16:56,262 --> 00:16:58,096 Bart, remember the thousand-year war 391 00:16:58,164 --> 00:16:59,897 between the trolls and the ogres? 392 00:16:59,915 --> 00:17:00,853 Yeah? 393 00:17:00,878 --> 00:17:03,953 Now it's a dance contest at the vampire prom. 394 00:17:06,970 --> 00:17:08,571 Let's steal back our book. 395 00:17:14,932 --> 00:17:16,765 ♪ ♪ 396 00:17:21,136 --> 00:17:22,900 Somewhere in that building is a computer 397 00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:25,068 with their sucky version of our masterpiece. 398 00:17:25,136 --> 00:17:26,569 The book prints at midnight, 399 00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:28,471 so if we swap in the original version, 400 00:17:28,538 --> 00:17:30,739 they'll print the wrong book-- our book. 401 00:17:30,807 --> 00:17:33,641 And before the publishers can do anything about it, 402 00:17:33,708 --> 00:17:36,176 The Troll Twins Of Underbridge Academy 403 00:17:36,244 --> 00:17:38,412 will be in every bookstore in America! 404 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,514 This is the Fuzzlepitch Finals, 405 00:17:40,582 --> 00:17:42,782 and tonight, we drink from the Wazzle Cup! 406 00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:44,483 Hello. I'm the pizza delivery man. 407 00:17:44,551 --> 00:17:46,017 We didn't order a pizza. 408 00:17:46,085 --> 00:17:47,585 No, of course you didn't. 409 00:17:47,653 --> 00:17:50,087 The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone, 410 00:17:50,155 --> 00:17:51,721 and then gives the customer the option 411 00:17:51,789 --> 00:17:53,656 of accepting or refusing delivery. 412 00:17:53,723 --> 00:17:55,457 That's a terrible business strategy. 413 00:17:55,524 --> 00:17:57,158 No, no, it's quite sound. 414 00:17:57,226 --> 00:17:58,526 Okay, fine. 415 00:17:58,593 --> 00:17:59,727 Where's the pizza? 416 00:17:59,795 --> 00:18:00,494 Pizza? 417 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,430 ♪ ♪ 418 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,355 The central computer's through here. 419 00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:30,723 All we have to do is upload our file and... 420 00:18:33,893 --> 00:18:35,194 Good evening, gentlemen. 421 00:18:35,262 --> 00:18:36,730 Kansas City. 422 00:18:36,797 --> 00:18:38,533 Kansas City. 423 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,803 So, you thought you would un-ruin your book. 424 00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,603 If it's any consolation, you never had a chance. 425 00:18:44,671 --> 00:18:45,771 Whoo-hoo! All right! 426 00:18:45,839 --> 00:18:47,239 Someone in your gang 427 00:18:47,307 --> 00:18:49,008 tipped me off to your little caper. 428 00:18:49,076 --> 00:18:50,843 A traitor? 429 00:18:52,445 --> 00:18:54,413 I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here. 430 00:18:56,049 --> 00:18:57,683 No, guys. It was me. 431 00:18:57,751 --> 00:18:59,418 - Oh, betrayal! - It can't be! 432 00:18:59,485 --> 00:19:00,986 It's always a dame. 433 00:19:01,054 --> 00:19:02,087 But why? 434 00:19:02,154 --> 00:19:03,520 Because a little girl 435 00:19:03,588 --> 00:19:05,154 wants her dream to come true. 436 00:19:06,390 --> 00:19:08,958 My name is finally on a book! 437 00:19:09,025 --> 00:19:11,029 And they're letting me write the sequel! 438 00:19:11,097 --> 00:19:14,365 A hard deadline is just the kick in the pants I need 439 00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:17,167 to focus and get some serious writing done. 440 00:19:17,235 --> 00:19:20,804 Now to enter the password and to authorize final publication. 441 00:19:20,871 --> 00:19:23,372 My favorite theme of a wall calendar. 442 00:19:24,808 --> 00:19:26,776 Lisa, would you care to do the honors? 443 00:19:28,212 --> 00:19:30,713 I'm sorry. 444 00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:41,222 Oh, by the way, the audio book is only available... abridged. 445 00:19:41,290 --> 00:19:43,057 Abridged! 446 00:19:45,193 --> 00:19:49,062 Well, we may have lost, but we gave the bad guy a laugh. 447 00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:51,097 That's something. 448 00:19:54,368 --> 00:19:55,936 Our book! The real one! 449 00:19:56,004 --> 00:19:57,337 Yes! 450 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,972 ♪ Wonderful words! ♪ 451 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,140 - No need to thank me, boys. - Hey, 452 00:20:01,208 --> 00:20:05,510 you wouldn't say that unless there was a need to thank you. 453 00:20:05,578 --> 00:20:08,112 You could never have printed your version of the book 454 00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:10,614 without the publisher's password, 455 00:20:10,682 --> 00:20:13,349 so I pretended to betray you. 456 00:20:13,417 --> 00:20:15,318 Then after he typed the password, 457 00:20:15,386 --> 00:20:18,454 I secretly switched the flash drives. 458 00:20:18,522 --> 00:20:20,790 You switched the drives? 459 00:20:20,857 --> 00:20:23,992 I got the idea from every movie ever made. 460 00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:26,227 ♪ ♪ 461 00:20:32,902 --> 00:20:35,336 And the best part is, 462 00:20:35,404 --> 00:20:37,170 my face is still on the back flap. 463 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,271 Gaiman! 464 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:49,413 Poor Lisa. Did it never occur to her that there might be 465 00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:51,482 three flash drives? 466 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:55,219 I've heisted my way to the bestseller list once again. 467 00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:57,888 And the most brilliant part is, 468 00:20:57,956 --> 00:21:00,790 I don't even know how to read. 469 00:21:00,857 --> 00:21:04,857 == sync, corrected by elderman == 470 00:21:14,905 --> 00:21:18,707 Gaiman, I've been waiting to do this for a long time. 471 00:21:21,244 --> 00:21:23,111 Congratulations, partner. 472 00:21:23,179 --> 00:21:25,413 We did it. 473 00:21:25,481 --> 00:21:27,781 Hey, Neil, how come you watched me drink mine, 474 00:21:27,849 --> 00:21:29,282 but you didn't drink yours? 475 00:21:29,350 --> 00:21:30,784 It's simple, Moe. 476 00:21:30,852 --> 00:21:33,087 I don't like the taste... of poison. 477 00:21:33,155 --> 00:21:36,189 Ah... crap. 478 00:21:52,791 --> 00:21:53,985 Shh!