Hello. I'm here about the drugs amnesty. It's all in there.
I'd just like to say that, as far as I'm concerned,
I think the whole drugs experience
is a very worthwhile experiment in personal development,
and I'm sure one day the law will be changed.
But for the moment, I'm coming clean.
What drugs amnesty?
I thought it was today. Isn't there a drugs amnesty
where you bring in all your stuff and it's forgotten about?
Well, nobody told me anything about it.
Oh.
I'll just see if any of my colleagues know something.
Anyone in there know anything about a drugs amnesty?
―(man) No, not me. ―(man #2) No.
No. Well...
♪ The bird, he must fly
♪ And the fish, he must swim
♪ The horse, he must trot
♪ And the girl, she must slim
♪ Let's all join together Hoof in hoof, hand in hand
♪ Fin in fin, wing in wing It's a very good plan
♪ Let's build a love state
♪ Yeah
Here in Notting Hill Gate!
(people shouting)
So what do you believe in? Do you believe in Communism?
―Oh, you're really boring. ―Yeah, you see, this is what it's all about.
I may be boring, but that doesn't answer my question.
You're boring! You're middle-aged and you've got short hair.
I'm afraid you'll all have to sit down or I'll be forced to abandon the show.
Sit down!
―Clearly, you believe in not taking baths... ―Brilliant.
Those cats really showed old Kemp to be the idiot that he is.
Did you see the way that he had to back down there?
Actually, I thought it was the others who backed down.
I didn't see any cats on there.
I thought Kemp was rather professional, actually.
I always think he handles these things well.
Alex, in six months' time we're gonna have to shoot people like him.
Oh, in six months?
Approximately.
―Are you talking about golf, Alex? ―Yeah.
Do you have any idea how Establishment golf is? Gimme that!
(crunch)
Could somebody please call an ambulance? I've really, really hurt my leg.
You know, my time in hospital really did give me a lot of time to think, you know?
I think we should launch some kind of protest. I think it will really impress Jerry Gurvitz.
Jerry Gurvitz? The editor of the Alternative Los Angeles Times?
―Yep, he's in London this week. ―Isn't he the biggest freak in the world?
Yes, he is.
How do they know that? Did they hold some sort of competition?
Yes, they did. And he won by several lengths.
He's so great, isn't he? And he's coming here!
I've asked him to stay at this flat and he's readily agreed. (laughs)
It's fantastic, isn't it?
I mean, Jerry Gurvitz, the biggest freak in the world, is gonna be staying here.
I mean, it's just... I can't... Ah!
I actually fainted from excitement then.
Maybe we should organise some sort of protest to do while he's here.
Maybe you can research that, Alex.
Look up a few events we could disrupt, you know? Perhaps get our picture in the paper.
Nice picture of me surrounded by lots of followers, all hanging onto my every word,
and a big headline saying how important I am.
You realise you said all that out loud?
Did I? Sorry. Sorry.
Hector Dodd disrupted something last week, actually.
He saw a couple of people playing snakes and ladders
and yelled out some choice obscenities. ―What did he yell out?
I can't quite remember. Something about Vietnam.
It had very little to do with snakes and ladders, but very bad language.
Well, he probably shouted out something like, "Release the frigging snakes!" Or, "You..."
Something that would be quite disruptive at a snakes and ladders tournament.
Something... You know, just something that would be...
That would... they'd hate that anyway. (door bell)
Oh, that will be Gurvitz.
I'm the biggest freak in the world!
We chased those cops right off the campus. I had tear gas in my eyes for days.
Yeah, I looked like this.
Just like I'd taken a big bag of drugs. What a freak.
Yeah, man, I know. You know, it's the same here.
Real sense of revolution in the air, you know?
I mean, last week I emptied a whole bag of crisps over a traffic warden.
She really was quite badly soiled.
―You're Roy, right? ―Ray.
―Yeah, whatever. Give me that box. ―OK.
I got hand grenades, I got rocket launchers.
And I've got mortars.
Well, yeah, I mean, we've got weapons too. I mean, we really are quite militant.
―You got any cash on you? ―Some, yeah.
Gimme a pound. No, no. Give me seven pounds.
―You want seven pounds? ―Yeah.
―Not five or ten? Cos... ―No. Seven.
That is how little money means to me.
―That was my money. ―So?
Ray probably wouldn't understand. He's never actually really been on a real protest.
Yes, I have. I actually did a big protest at the Miss World contest last year.
And it was pretty good.
If you remember, you weren't actually there. You sprained your ankle and you couldn't go.
Yeah, but I still impressed people, didn't I?
(Michael Aspel) Number three, Miss Austria.
How's your ankle, love? Here, have some more grapes.
No, Mum. It's just a sprained ankle, OK? Thank you.
She's got a nice pair of knockers.
Wouldn't mind getting my hands on them.
A very well-built girl, isn't she, love?
Bet you'd like to give those jugs a nice big squeeze, wouldn't you?
You bet I would.
What about you, Ray? Would you like to give those jugs a big squeeze?
Mum, I am surprised at this sexist talk, you know.
Especially from you. You're a type of woman.
I'm only saying I bet you fancy having a go at that girl's jugs.
Course he would. He's the same as the rest of us.
They're not "jugs" anyway, or "knockers".
They're breasts.
What was it you used to call mine, love?
Baloobas.
Baloobas, that's right.
It was that African tribe we saw on the telly, wasn't it?
Do you remember all the girls used to go around with their things all swinging about?
Why they didn't wear bras, I'll never know.
Mum, it's very natural for women not to wear bras in Africa, OK?
In fact, it's very unnatural for women to wear bras at all.
That's just what your dad says.
You two are so alike, you know. It's uncanny sometimes.
―Um... ―Yep, come in, Hugo.
―Well, I don't need to... ―Hugo, come in!
Where's Gurvitz?
Well, he's gone out for a meeting with John Lennon.
Yeah, about the whole future of the protest movement.
It's probably the most important meeting that anyone's had with anyone ever
in the history of the world ever.
Brought that article in about protesting. I think it's quite good.
Don't exaggerate, Hugo.
Rather than go on about how great protesting is, I thought I'd try a new angle.
So I've written that protesting is a complete waste of time.
But my argument's so weak and unconvincing
that you end up just reading it and thinking, "This guy's an idiot."
So it actually ends up being an article for protesting, which is quite clever.
Right, well, yes, it's great. But, you know, the deadline was last week.
―Well, could you put it in the next issue? ―Yes. Yes, I will.
I'll put it in the next issue bin now. Where's that? Um...
Ah, there it is.
―Thanks, Ray. ―Oh, how was the doctor's, by the way?
Have you got long to live? (laughs)
No, no, I just had a touch of flu, Ray. I'm not gonna die.
Why did you think I was gonna die?
I don't think you're going to die, Hugo. It was just a little joke, you know.
I've been thinking a lot about death these days.
Yeah, me too. You know, I sometimes wonder, if I had an incurable disease
and I only had three months to live, what would I do?
What would you do if you only had three months to live?
I'd look for a cure.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's an incurable disease, OK? You are definitely gonna die, all right?
No, I'm sure there'd be a cure if I just looked...
No. No, Hugo.
There's no cure, OK? Absolutely no chance.
―I'd still look for one. ―No, Hugo, you don't get it.
―You're not gonna find one, OK? ―Well, I mean, I'd look...
Hugo, for the love of God, you will never find one!
(choked-up) Ray, I have to try.
Ah, my next patient.
Hugo, I have to speak privately with Ray.
―Ray, there's something I've been... Hugo! ―He's still there.
There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a while.
It's quite a serious situation, so you'd better sit down.
I am sitting down.
Sit down even further.
Ray, I'm pregnant.
Wha... Um...
OK, well, w-we can deal with this.
―You'll support me, won't you? ―Of course I will, Jill.
Can I just say one thing?
―We haven't had sex for a year and a half. ―I could still be pregnant.
―Have you slept with somebody else? ―No.
But I could still be pregnant.
Right.
That would mean it was a virgin birth.
―Could be. ―OK, again, that would mean
you're bringing our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ back into the world.
OK, I'm not really pregnant. I actually came in here to tell you
that I can't get pregnant cos I'm on the pill.
But I bet that if I did get pregnant, you'd just abandon me.
―You're such a selfish goon! ―Hey, Jill!
I'm not a selfish goon, OK?
I really, you know, support women and all that stuff.
And now that you're on the pill as well, maybe we can, you know, get to work.
I'm not on the pill so that I can have sex with you, Ray.
That would be the most incredibly facile reason for being on it.
I am on the pill because it liberates women.
―Cynthia says it's good. ―Oh, her?
Well, she'll never be on the pill cos she's just a fat, ugly lesbian bitch
who everybody hates, apart from a bunch of naïve girls in Chelsea who work in publishing.
―What did you say? ―Nothing.
―Oh, Ray. ―Alex, hi, yeah.
―Did you find somewhere we can protest at? ―Uh, no.
You said you were gonna have a word with Jim Sharples?
No.
Tina Weatherall said she knew something. You were gonna talk to her.
No.
Bunny Long said something about a protest going down. You were gonna have a word.
No. No.
Right, well done anyway.
This is really crucial, you know? I mean, Gurvitz has got mortars and rockets and stuff.
What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go down to the shops, I'm gonna get all the papers, OK,
try and find some event we can make a scene at, you know?
And I'm not talking about a snakes and ladders tournament.
The World of Sandpaper exhibition?
Yeah, well, I've looked through all the papers and there's nothing else on.
But it is an international event, so there will be photographers.
―So, how do we feel about sandpaper? ―They say it's the Styrofoam of the 1970s.
One of the few things I know about sandpaper is that it actually smoothes out rough edges.
Are we for or against that?
Um... I just... I don't know, you know.
I wish sandpaper could be as straightforward as Vietnam.
I think we should probably be against it.
Otherwise, we'll just be sort of standing there going, "Oh, look, isn't this sandpaper great?"
Yeah, I suppose so.
Hi, Jerry. We found a great thing to protest at, and... How was John Lennon?
―Are you OK? ―Well, the freak is a little freaked out.
John's come up with this whole new idea.
And he's called it a bed-in.
Now, instead of organising politically, or pointing out society's ills by violent protest,
now we're gonna change things by going to bed with a chick.
Well, that's a brilliant idea. Why didn't someone think of that before?
I've always thought, actually, that after Ringo, John was the cleverest Beatle.
So now, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life protesting in bed.
―Hey, Fay! ―Yes?
What's this protest you were gonna go on?
Well...
You've heard of sandpaper?
So I am raring to go.
I've got my sign.
I think you've got that a bit wrong, Hugo.
―War and Peace is a film. ―It's a book, Ray.
Yeah, well, it may be a book, Alex, but I think the film's a little bit more famous.
I'm actually really nervous,
but I just have to not think about what could happen, you know.
That it all could just go really horribly wrong and turn into a big riot and people just...
I could get hit on the head with a rock and just be killed there, dead.
I could die.
I can't go, Ray. I can't do it.
Hugo, you've got to get over this fear of death, you know?
You've just got to face it, it's gonna happen to us all one day.
That's a bit fatalistic of you, Ray. No, it's not.
Jill, I forgot to warn you, going on this demo,
there's probably gonna be a lot of liberally minded women around,
so I may get off with someone. You're OK with that, aren't you?
You're hardly going to score at a sandpaper exhibition, Ray.
I just thought I'd warn you, OK?
I'm really looking forward to this protest. Aren't you, Alex?
What? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm tremendously excited about it.
You never get excited about anything, Alex. You're too laid back, you are.
You wouldn't be excited if a bomb went off. (explosion)
Sorry, did you say something, Ray?
Shit, man! I was trying to defuse one of my bombs—it went off.
―Where's your tub? ―Through there.
(spits)
I really, really quite like Gurvitz, you know. He's got lovely eyes,
a really nice sense of humour and he's very sensitive.
―Whose books are those in the bathroom? ―Ah, they're mine.
Yeah, well, you'd better move 'em or I'll piss all over 'em when I go to the john.
I am the biggest freak in the world!
What a freak!
Sorry, I really must just say, I do like your hair.
I was wondering how you managed to get it like that? My hair sort of refused to do that.
Don't even attempt to get your hair like mine!
My hair is a one-off, OK?
The freak's hair is a one-off, huh?!
Huh?!
Argh!
(laughs)
He is so cute.
(Gurvitz humming)
(yowls and hums)
(urinates)
(urinates on books)
(toilet flushes)
(whirring)
What is he doing?
(mouths)
That was beautiful.
You're just a big teddy bear.
Bear wants a hug.
Right, we're off on this protest then.
It's very likely we're going to get arrested and held under tight security,
so we might have to arrange some bail, Alex.
I might have to get in contact with Lester Youngman about legal aid.
And, um... Is there anything else?
Do you think these socks are too bright?
Um...
―Jerry? Jerry? ―What?
Are you coming on the protest? Cos I think it will be quite good.
Nah, no way, man. I'm going on a bed-in instead.
Right. Is this just you?
No, no. No, I'm doing it with Jill.
(clears throat) Uh, Jill.
Would you mind joining me in the bedroom, please? I've been waiting an hour.
Remember? I made that beckoning gesture with my head.
I don't like being gestured to like some kind of dog, Ray.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Just... Could you just please join me, please, for a minute? Jill!
All right!
Now, you will be careful with Gurvitz, won't you?
Often when a man and a woman go to bed together, there's a sexual element.
―Last time we went to bed together... ―All right! Yes.
The last time we went to bed together, there wasn't a sexual element, OK.
There was a mousetrap element. Yeah, it's not funny, Jill, OK?
Most of my blood supply was concentrated in that area.
I'm just... I'm... Look... Just...
Gurvitz is, you know... I mean, don't have sex with him, OK?
Just promise me this one thing. Can you do that?
Just a tiny little thing. Just do it for me. I don't think it would be right for you.
Please, Jill. Will you promise me that?
Thank you, Jill.
That's good enough for me.
You're saying that is the longest piece of sandpaper in the world?
Yes. It's very unusual to see sandpaper laid out flat like that,
especially this type of extra-rough sandpaper.
It's a very exciting time for sandpaper.
―Yes. ―(speaks foreign language)
Sheikh Hahmoud's very agitated. He's unused to seeing extra-rough sandpaper laid out flat.
In his country it's very rarely seen, except in large rolls.
Tell the sheikh that in the future it will be very much more common
to see sandpaper laid out in strip form.
That is very much the future for sandpaper.
―World peace now! ―Shh.
Don't shush me, Alex. It's supposed to be a protest.
I'm sorry. I find it rather embarrassing.
♪ What the world needs now
♪ Is love, sweet love
♪ It's the only thing
♪ That there's just too little of
♪ What the world needs now
♪ Is love, sweet love
♪ No, not just for some
♪ But for everyone
♪ Lord, we don't need
♪ Another mountain
♪ There are mountains and hillsides
♪ Enough to climb
♪ There are oceans and rivers
♪ Enough to cross, enough to last
♪ Till the end of time
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think you've actually tamed the freak.
―Cup of tea? ―Yes, please.
(whistles tune)
Nobody seems to be taking a lot of notice.
I'm going to go and stand on that big strip of sandpaper over there.
Look at that bloody hippy there, standing in the middle of that strip of sandpaper.
―Oi, you! Leave that sandpaper area! ―I'm making a protest.
I don't care about your protest, you stupid hippy! Get off that sandpaper!
Not until there's world peace.
(quietly) Very good.
Oh. I suppose you want world peace as well, do you?
Yeah, obviously that would be great. Although I should really be at home washing my hair.
I should think everybody here would like world peace, too,
but all these people want to do is sell some sandpaper.
(shouts of agreement)
Right, you leave me no choice.
(cheering)
Come back here, you stupid hippy!
Alex, why did you have to go and leave that big bag of drugs lying around?
It was obvious Gurvitz was gonna scoff the lot. Freaks just love taking big bags of drugs.
I'll give Peter Mountstewart a ring. He'll know what to do.
He's seen this kind of thing before.
Careful, Ray. He did get the date of the drugs amnesty wrong.
Yeah, well, he'll know what to do, OK? I'm gonna ring him. (sighs)
What a freak.
Peter, great, you're here. He's just through here.
OK.
Right, I know what the problem is.
He's taken a big bag of drugs.
―Right. What grade were they? ―Sorry, um...
A 50% toxic rate is pretty high. I reckon he's at about 70 to 75.
Could be a build-up of ulnic fluid in the secondary cortex.
I've seen that happen before.
Mesomotic seizure occurs at an intensity of... well, sometimes several Williams.
Hm...
Thrombotic valve damage. Haven't seen that for a few years.
OK, can anybody tell me when five seconds is up, please?
―Now? ―OK, fine.
―Um... ―Don't interrupt, Alex.
It's very important that we keep absolutely silent.
(bird tweets)
OK, could somebody pop out and keep that bird quiet, please?
Ray, have you still got that sledgehammer? The one you used at the American Embassy?
―Um, yes. ―Will you fetch it for me, please?
Is he going to be all right?
Yes, yes. I'm pretty confident I can bring him round.
―Here it is. ―OK, that should do the trick.
Right.
I really, really hope Peter knows what he's doing here.
Oh, don't you worry, Jill. Peter knows exactly what he's doing.
Thanks, Alex.
OK, one last thing. This could be crucial, actually.
―Anyone got any sandpaper? ―Sandpaper?
I just need to blunt down the edges of the hammer. Otherwise...
Um, no, we don't have any sandpaper. We're against it.
―You're against sandpaper? ―Yeah.
Shit.
Well, never mind. Probably won't make any difference. OK.
Here goes.
I think you probably just had a little bit too much confidence in Peter.
Yeah, well, you know, I think you're right, actually, Alex.
I really can't see the difference the sandpaper would have made.
And what was that weird thing he said? "Otherwise." Otherwise what?
He was still gonna smash his head in with a massive sledgehammer.
―Such a tragedy. He was really nice. ―How did they get that picture?
(Alex) Apparently the CIA planted a camera in his beard.
Ah, look. Brilliant. Here's the report on our protest. Fantastic.
"There's..." Right, I've gotta go anyway.
I'm going to an anti-apartheid demo that Hector Dodd organised.
He's so brave. When they did that South African rugby match,
they actually drop-kicked him over the main stand.
I know. He's a feisty little bastard.
Jill, nothing happened between you and Gurvitz, did it?
Jerry and I had the most meaningful experience I have ever had with a man.
We shared a common ecstasy,
the like of which I've never experienced before, nor ever will again.
We bonded together like two futuristic brands of top-of-the-range superglue.
Thanks, Jill. That's all I wanted to hear.
♪ Love peace, love peace, love love
♪ Peace lo-o-o-o-ove
♪ Peace, love love, peace, love love
♪ Peace love, peace love, peace love
♪ Peace, love, peace peace peace peace
♪ Pe-e-e-e-ace love
♪ Love peace, love peace, love peace
♪ Peace peace peace, love peace, love
♪ And all that we're singing
♪ Is love peace, peace, love love