Casey, don't mess with my camera.
CASEY: Come on, Buzzy.
You're supposed to be Mr. Holiday Spirit.
Mom said she wanted pictures of you too.
BUZZ: Well, use your cell phone then.
An entrance fee of $20 per adult? Whew.
Merry Christmas, suckers.
Ugh. The North Pole Village is such a racket.
A racket? What do you mean?
In case you haven't noticed, everything here has a price tag on It.
Why we still come here every Christmas, I do not know.
[GRUNTS]
BUZZ: Look. Santa is coming in on a zip line this year...
from all the way up there.
How about that?
Aw, I miss the float.
It was old-fashioned, but at least It was charming.
Why do you like this Santa so much? It's ridiculous.
SANTA JACK [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
we are minutes from Santa's arrival.
So let's gather by the workshop for a holiday surprise.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
As we usher in a new season of joy...
let's put our mittens together and give a warm, jolly welcome...
to the man of the hour...
as he flies in directly from the North Pole.
ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven... SANTA RANDY: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
ALL: six, five... BUZZ: Okay, Casey, smile.
Four, three... - No! Oh, God. No!
Two, one.
SANTA RANDY: Merry Christmas!
[LAUGHS]
[YELLING]
[SPECTATORS SCREAMING]
BUZZ: Here. Take this.
Casey, stay here.
Don't worry, boys and girls.
What's wrong?
Oh, God.
Thank you, Buzz, for bringing me up to speed.
Nice to meet you, Casey.
- Don't let this ruin your visit - Thank you, Chief Johnson.
How do we know this wasn't an accident?
L.A. City Fire Department inspected the zip line that our victim was using.
It appears someone tampered with the brakes.
This trolley Santa was riding...
.uses two pads to create friction necessary for stopping.
One of the pads was pried loose.
It also has a battery-powered backup system. But no battery.
And the entire kit is rented from a company called Zip Xperience.
Owner says they ran trials yesterday afternoon.
Brakes were working properly.
So according to the elves...
I've been waiting to say that my entire life.
According to the elves, our dead Santa's name was Randy Mann.
DMV has him residing in Humboldt.
FLYNN: And our young St. Nick has a sheet.
Two prior arrests for cultivating and distributing marijuana.
Oh, over there? The crying elf? That's his wife, Lisa.
I count two crying elves.
PROVENZA: Oh, the other one Is Carmen.
Seems, uh, Santa played the field a little.
Hey, he's not the real Santa.
Sure about that, Buzz?
What my brother means Is the guy who really runs...
this con job of a Christmas village Is Santa Jack.
After the accident, I saw him run back into his workshop.
Okay, thank you, Casey.
I'll be back in a minute.
So, ahem, Buzzy, uh, why don't you Introduce us to Casey?
Oh, he doesn't need to.
You are Detective Sanchez, the one who threatens people. Ha.
You are Lieutenant Tao, of course. Oh, and that's your bag of tricks.
You are the very sharp dressing...
- ...Detective Gabriel. Hello. - Thank you.
Judging by the cynical tone In your voice, you must be Andy Flynn.
And that makes you the grumpy one. Lieutenant Provenza, hello.
Grumpy? Well, when I'm being shot at, maybe.
But the rest of the time, I'm just a cuddly teddy bear.
- Oh, ha, ha. - Lieutenant, Casey is afraid of bears.
Excuse us. We don't wanna interfere with your work.
- Bye. CASEY: Bye.
SANTA JACK: This is a disaster.
BRENDA: I understand that the zip line was a new feature...
.and that you used to enter on a holiday float?
Yeah. That burned down to its gearbox.
No one knows how.
Sorry about the smoke. Usually not allowed in the workshop, but I...
[COUG HS]
How did this happen? Uh...
Poor Santa Randy.
I had the whole thing rigged up the right way.
I was supposed to go down, land on the platform...
and go down the chimney myself.
But when I tried out the zip line yesterday...
believe me...
Santa screamed words that no children should ever hear. Ha, ha.
And I take my job as role model very seriously.
- Ah. Eggnog - No, thanks.1
I'm on duty.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[SANTA JACK COUGHS]
Sorry, I'm having a few very bad months here.
I run a Halloween fair too. Haunted House.
Corn maze, pumpkin patch. Everything.
One boy got botulism.
One boy. And the county shut down my entire operation for a month.
Then my sleigh gave out.
- Your sleigh? - Yeah.
Red minivan. I call it my sleigh.
Cost over a thousand dollars to fix.
And now Santa Randy is dead.
Oh, God.
Were you and Randy close?
Santa Randy.
Yeah. Great kid.
He's been selling trees here since he dropped out of college.
But, of course, he wanted more out of life.
So being a good guy...
I sent him to Santa School last September.
Bought him the suit...
paid for him to join the order.
- I understand Randy and his wife- - Santa Randy.
Santa. Santa Randy and his wife, Lisa, were having problems.
Well, yeah, after work...
there might have been a few of what we refer to around here...
as, uh, reindeer games.
Pole dancing.
That kind of thing.
And I understand Santa Randy was a little overly friendly...
with the elves this year.
Oh, Santa Randy.
But let me tell you, Lisa had a very hard time adjusting...
to Randy's new station in life.
She had married a man...
Whew.
And he had become part of a legend.
And I can tell you from personal experience...
the role of Mrs. Claus Is more than most women can handle.
Mm. Sorry.
Some ashes there. Ha.
My fault.
Look. Santa, I need you to come downtown...
and give a statement about this zip line.
Well, there's absolutely no problem there.
[IN DISTINCT SHOUTING OUTSIDE]
- Ugh. Excuse me. One second. GABRIEL: Drop the bag.
CARMEN: He would have wanted me to have it.
He was my husband, you slut.
GABRIEL: Drop the bag. - He didn't love you anymore!
- It's all legally mine! GABRIEL: Ladles.
LISA: Not yours!
[YELLING]
FLYNN: Girls, come on, knock it off. GABRIEL: Ladies, come on.
Gabriel, give them a sec.
One of them might say something incriminating.
[GABRIEL GROANS]
TAOI Elves!
Elves, please!
All right, I've had enough. Put them all under arrest.
All right, let's go. Everybody, let's go. Come back here.
SANCHEZ: You, come with me.
GABRIEL: You are a very strong elf.
Okay. All right, all right. Okay. Okay.
You-Hey!
Hey. Santa is not gonna like this.
SANCHEZ: This Is a lot of Christmas cheer, chief.
Drugs, cash. Add in the elf sex.
Three very traditional motives for murder.
So hard to believe someone would use a Christmas village to sell drugs.
- People use Christmas to sell everything. - Casey.
And that's what Santa Jack was all about.
Casey.
We don't interrupt detectives when they're discussing a case.
Chief, I'm very sorry.
No, no, no. It's fine. I think your sister might have a point.
With the amount of drugs here, we should be able to get a warrant...
for everyone who works at the North Poles...
- Credit reports. GABRIEL: Mm-hm.
And make sure that you include .the victim's wife, uh, please.
Uh, see if anyone has more money in the bank than they ought to.
- Excuse me. - Okay.
Supposed to go to your attorney right now.
Well, I don't know if you've heard but someone murdered Santa Claus.
Look, Pope pulled Raydor off your back...
with the understanding that you'd focus, focus...j
on this federal lawsuit, which means keeping appointments with your lawyer.
I took off work today. I can't believe you're thinking about being late.
Yet alone not showing up at all. What Is wrong?
Hey, hey, hey.
You have the right to remain jolly.
[SIGHS]
Ho-ho-ho. Pull it together, we need to leave.
Okay. Uh, everyone, look, uh, I have to go.
Santa Jack should've been here by now. Let's find out where he's gotten to.
I need to know who else had access to that zip line...
.between the last safety check and our accident.
Which is what we're calling this till we sort out...
who's been naughty and who's been nice.
Thank you.
Well, it's clear now...
Gold man only brought the Baylor suit against you...
in the hopes of establishing a leak in your division. He has used that leak...
to amass an impressive list of litigants for this federal lawsuit of his.
So, Brenda..
.Why don't we take a little walk down memory lane?
Which, for you, leads through a cemetery, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
In addition to T Turell Baylor...
whose death I now look back upon with a certain fond nostalgia...
.we have the very thuggy Nick Koslov...
son of a Russian crime boss.
Who confessed to stabbing teenage prostitutes to death.
Mm. He was murdered after you alerted his family's attorney...
that the young Mr. Koslov was also an Informant for the FBI.
Yeah, that was not a good day.
Mm. And began a troublesome pattern you continued with Roger Stim pie.
A child molester who confessed .to murdering three little girls.
Hanged himself in jail after you “forgot” to put him In protective custody.
Then there's Martin Vasquez...
a Mexican federale you arrested under another name.
Coincidentally, the name of someone Vasquez had paid...
to have murdered in jail. Also, by complete coincidence...
Mr. Vasquez died within an hour of landing behind bars.
BRENDA: Vasquez was a corrupt cop responsible for homicides...
- ...working for the Garcia Cartel. - And then we have Kyle.
- Shot himself in your room. - Because he couldn't kill me.
And lastly, but not leastly, Phillip Stroh.
What? Stroh?
- He's not dead. Is - Surprisingly, no. he?
But your wife has been harassing him for over two years.
And in addition to bad-mouthing him to the authorities...
- ...chasing away his clients- - Brenda.
BREN DA: People he's defending have a right...
- ...to know who they're dealing with. - In addition to all of that...
every year on May 5th...
Mr. Stroh receives a mysterious bouquet of flowers...
from the deceased Jessica Goodall.
A little bit creepy.
I want Stroh never to forget what I know.
And that is that he raped and murdered Jessica February 5th, 2008.
The night before her 30th birthday.
If you know that, why didn't you arrest him and try him In court?
Why are you being so mean?
I am not being mean.
I'm simply presenting a more mild version of Goldman's case.
Respond to him the way you responded to me...
the L.A.P.D will have to institute costly new custodial procedures.
You could end up forking over every penny you have...
in punitive damages.
That's all for today. Ohh, ooh, ooh.
Before I forget.
I have a gift for the two of you.
In the spirit of the season.
- Enjoy. - But we didn't get you anything.
Not to worry. It's from the firm, not from me personally.
Sorry, wait. Did you say punitive damages against us?
I'm afraid so, yes.
And to get all the bad news out of the way this afternoon...
my retainer is gone.
If you'd like me to continue as your counsel...
I'll need another $25,000 by the end of the week.
Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Scrooge. I thought he was my friend.
He is, but It's also what he does for a living.
Yeah. You mean making money off the troubles of Innocent people.
- What did he give us? What's in the box? - Well, It's a silver tree ornament.
Ha. With the initials of their firm on it.
No, no, no.
Don't throw it away. I want it.
In the spirit of the season.
TAO: So here's a little Santa schematic, chief.
The zip line was installed yesterday at 5:30 p.m.
Four successful dry runs.
Zip Xperience signed off on their equipment at 8:30 p.m.
Yeah, the safety agreement has three signatures on it
Jack McBride, otherwise known as Santa Jack...
his niece, Donna, who Julio is bringing up now...
and Randy Mann.
TAO: Security guards were on duty last night until this morning at 10 a.m.
when the doors opened, leaving the trolley and cable unattended.
Full system failure a few seconds after noon.
Giving us two hours where nearly anyone could have disabled the brakes.
Great. Okay, uh, any other motive possible besides drug dealing?
Ah, yes. It seems that our, uh, victim, Santa Randy, and his wife, Lisa...
were recently qualified for a business loan.
Lisa has admitted they were planning to open their own Christmas village.
Another North Pole in L.A.? Is that really such a big deal?
Well, believe it or not, Santa Jack's village generates lots of cash.
After paying his taxes, rent to his niece, alimony to a couple of Mrs. Clauses...
Santa brings home over 200,000 per year.
Chief, I have Santa's niece Donna in Interview Room One.
Maybe she can tell us where her uncle is hiding.
Hey, Casey.
- Come on. We're needed in Electronics.
Come on.
Detective Sanchez. With me.
Now, please.
Ms. McBride, I'm Deputy Chief Johnson.
I'm so sorry about the tragedy today at your Christmas village.
Oh, it's not my village.
Uh, Dad left the property to me, but the village itself is my uncle's.
Technically, I'm his landlord.
He's supposed to pay a percentage of his receipts to me...
.but more often than not, I just let him forget it.
I see. So if you're not involved why did you sign off as a witness...
.on the safety agreement for the zip line?
Well, as land owner, I still need to be careful about liability.
BRENDA: So you have nothing to do with managing the North Pole?
Oh, no.
No. I couldn't work with the people that Jack hires.
Randy Mann? With an arrest record like his?
So you guys knew that Randy was a drug dealer?
Oh, yes. Uncle Jack had to go ball him out once.
- Randy never paid him back, of course. - And yet he sent him to Santa school.
This is gonna sound odd, but Uncle Jack thinks that playing Santa...
gives people an opportunity to redeem themselves.
That to embody the Christmas spirit made one a better person.
For him, Santa is a spiritual thing.
SANTA JACK: Jingle bells, jingle bells.
Everybody!
[SINGING] Jingle all the way
Ho-ho-ho! Sorry I'm late.
[SLURRING] I was home a-wassailing.
Come on, let's get some Christmas going here.
My God, your Christmas tree, It's completely naked.
- People, you need to deck these halls. - Straight ahead. You can't see anything.
Hey. That's Donna. Why is Donna on TV?
FLYNN: All right, come on, let's go. - I know her. Why is she on television?
- Please, I'm capable of guiding myself. - Here.
FLYNN Here.
- Stay there. SANTA JACK: Uh... Uh...
Ah. Hello, everyone. Ha.
My apologies for appearing, uh, before you in dis...
Uh, in this unseemly condition.
Santa is never publicly drunk in uniform.
It's a violation of my oath.
But I had no time to change Into Santa casual...
before your extremely rude friend here dragged me from my humble abode.
Well, ha, ha.
Hello, young lady.
Santa Claus, at your service.
And who would you be?
Well, you don't know me?
But I sat on your lap every Christmas for years.
I'm Casey Watson.
Oh. And who would you like to do when you grow up?
- H e. - Well, I'm actually already doing it.
I'm a meteorologist at a weather station in Seattle.
A weather girl.
So you'll tell us all about what's it's like In Santas all over the world.
What it's like in Santas?
Yes. You know, Is it hot In Santa Barbara?
Santa Ana.
Santa Monica.
Because it's plenty hot in here, Casey.
[DONNA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON MONITOR]
Oh, that voice.
What is she yammering on about now?
BRENDA: Randy and his wife obtained their business loan...
and were looking to open their own Christmas village somewhere?
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, good luck in finding undeveloped land anywhere near us.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
Randy was gonna compete with my uncle? That's horrible.
I can't believe 1 got so upset when he crashed into that chimney.
This will break Jack's heart.
So Santa Randy was trying to open up his own village?
Oh. Ho, ho! You think Santa didn't know .what was going on behind his back?
Santa has powers Randy never even dreamed of.
You think I changed places with him on the zip line because I was frightened?
Santa does not know fear.
Well, then, Santa, uh, tell us...
- ...why didn't you do the jump yourself? - Huh?
Well, yeah. Why did you change the batting order, Santa?
SANTA JACK: Ah. Santa's secret Insights.
I know when people have been bad.
So I went to Randy, I said, “Why don't you do the zip line?
- Go down the old chimney.” - No, no, Santa. Just wait a minute.
PROVENZA: Flynn, Flynn, Flynn. - I paid him an extra $500.
Santa Claus cannot be taken by surprise.
Randy expected to replace me?
Well, not anymore.
DETECTIVES: Oh!
FLYNN Santa.
GABRIEL: Santa? Santa?
FLYNN: Buzz, wanna give us a hand? GABRIEL: Santa.
BUZZ: Hold on, hold on.
- Oh, my gosh. FLYNN: Got him?
- Get him. - One, twol three.
Put him on Buzz's desk. Buzz's desk.
FLYNN: Watch his arms. GABRIEL: He reeks.
- What happened? BUZZ: My desk.
He passed out.
Down on the table. All the way down.
[ALL GRUNT]
- What's the matter? - I never Mirandized him.
- Why not? - You're kidding me.
- What does that mean? - We apparently have...
a Santa-on-Santa crime...
but can't use anything our suspect here said to prove It.
Don't know about that. Buzz, did you get his statement on film?
- Yes, ma'am, unfortunately, I did. - Well, I'll take a look at It.
It could be helpful. Depending.
Depending on what?
Depending on how much you believe In Santa Claus.
Sorry.
Why are you still here?
Well, Santa gave us the gift of overtime.
FLYNN: We had to serve a search warrant at his workshop, house...
and various storerooms.
In addition to the cheesiest decorations you've ever seen...
we found all of his business records. TAYLOR: I thought he admitted everything.
Ahem. Yeah, well, uh, you know...
there were some problems with his statement.
- What kind of problems? FLYNN: For one thing, he confessed...
.before we got the chance to read him his rights.
Why do people do that?
- Did we smash his head in? PROVENZA: Oh, no, no, no.
That's, uh, from too much egg flogging.
- He passed out drunk in Electronics. POPE: Great.
Another reason everything he said could be Inadmissible.
And he also implied that he was the real Santa Claus.
PROVENZA: Yeah. So we asked Buzz to try and sober him up...
so he wouldn't blurt anything else out Incriminating.
The chief would like a proper crack at him.
BUZZ: You're welcome.
Oh, uh, thank you, young man.
- Uh, would you happen to have a cigarette? - No.
And this is a nonsmoking area.
- Even for Santa? - Especially for Santa.
You're meant to come down the chimney, not smoke like one.
Then, would you pull a trash can over here, please?
[GROANS]
You know, when I was a kid...
I looked forward to talking to you for months.
The symbol of my very favorite time of the year.
And now, I feel you've ruined every Christmas memory that I have.
Plus, you don't even recognize me.
That's not true.
I recall you very well.
A very caring young boy with a happy smile.
Why, I might even be the reason why you work with the police now.
One year, you sat on my knee...
you looked Santa in the eye, and you asked for a camera.
I never asked you for a camera.
Aw. Oh, well. Sometimes I get lucky.
Ho, ho...
[VOMITS]
PROVENZA: Oh. FLYNN: Ho-ho-ho.
[SANCHEZ LAUGHS]
TAYLOR: God. - That should sober him up a little bit.
[GROANS]
Sorry, these things occasionally happen to Santa.
[BLOWS NOSE]
Really?
By the way, does he have a motive?
Two, actually, sir.
Not only was the victim about to compete with him...
- ...but, uh, Santa Jack has probably... - Santa Jack?
Yes, sir. Santa Jack has probably the best business Insurance policy...
I've ever seen in my life. Being that he has a seasonal operation...
if he's shut down, for any reason at all...
he's guaranteed the previous year's income.
Policy was hard to find, sir. His financial papers were a mess.
GABRIEL: About the only thing he did file properly...
were the letters and cards he got from kids over the years.
Right. So why are we all standing here?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oh, excuse me. Sorry. I need to get through.
PROVENZA: Please, allow me.
GABRIEL: You can go through. CASEY: Thank you.
GABRIEL: Yes siree.
Wow.
Who is that?
That is Buzz's sister, Casey. She does the weather in Seattle.
She's hot, sir.
But she has opinions.
- Oh. CASEY: Oh, my.
Santa vomit. How charming.
Tell me, Buzzy.
Still believe this guy represents the magic of Christmas?
Now, hold on a minute, young lady.
I'll admit that my behavior the last few hours has been disgraceful.
But I want you to know that before this evening...
I spent my entire adult life respecting Christmas.
And in case you've forgotten...
Where is she?
And in case you've forgotten...
I also stand for peace on Earth and Joy to the world.
Behold, even in my darkest hour...
the power of Santa Claus draws these jaded police officers...
to gaze on me in wonder and awe.
They know what I represent is real.
They certainly look real.
Maybe I should show them around.
I mean, Buzz and his sister.
- While she's in town. - Right.
You know, as chief of police, I can take her places nobody else can.
[GABRIEL CHUCKLES]
BRENDA: Would y'all look at yourselves?
Like a bunch of diabetics standing In front of a candy store.
Did Santa wake up from his winter's nap so we can all get back to work?
Guys, please? We have important work to do here.
Come on.
Okay, Santa, time to get up. Let's go.
- Hi, Casey. - Hi.
Well, merry Christmas to both of you.
And thank you, young lady, for your healing attentions.
CASEY: Oh. - Oh, sorry.
Probably lint from my beard.
- My fault. CASEY: Yeah.
FLYNN: Let's go, come on.
- You have the right to remain silent. SANTA JACK: All right.
FLYNN: If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used...
- I hate to bother you with this-SANTA JACK: Really?
You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford one...
Gavin is asking for another $25,000 and I don't have it.
He's still charging you?
Don't worry about it.
I'll fix it.
Thank you, Will. Thank you so much.
Okay, chief, Santa will see you now.
Santa Jack.
When we spoke earlier today...
you said you gave up on the zip line because It frightened you.
I keep thinking how lucky it is the person who replaced you...
was the same guy trying to open his own Christmas village.
But he was also the only other qualified Santa at the North Pole.
And now that I'm sober, I really feel bad about that accident.
Well, you know, it's funny that you use the word accident.
Because we found evidence that suggests...
someone tampered with the brakes on that zip line.
Making it look less like an accident and more like murder.
Murder?
[GROANS]
But you can't think Santa did this?
Earlier this evening, you implied...
Oh, no, no, wait. That was the eggnog talking.
Listen, if 1 wanted Randy dead...
I wouldn't have offed him in front of innocent little children.
This has ruined my business.
No, actually, it hasn't.
- You're about to make out like a bandit. - What's that?
Excuse me, sir.
GABRIEL: It's your business insurance policy.
Thank you, detective.
GABRIEL: Covers all revenue losses from the closure of the North Pole village.
You make more money closed than if you had stayed open.
Hope I'm not crowding you, Casey.
- Casey, right? - Mm-hm.
- Chief of Police William Pope. - HI.
Nice to meet you.
My brother must have set it up as part of the lease agreement...
when he bought me the village.
- Keeping a close eye on this case. - Mm.
A lot of frantic parents calling in.
I'm hoping we can keep from spoiling Santa Claus...
- ...for a lot of children. - Aw, that's wonderful.
Helping parents delay the moment children realize...
they've been lied to about Christmas.
That must make you very proud.
SANTA JACK: Listen, uh, do you happen to know how much I-?
How much, uh, Santa Jack gets paid for having to shut down like this?
This year, approximately $600,000.
[COUGHING] Holy frankincense and myrrh.
Hey, does it also cover what happened to my float too?
- Wait, what happened to your float? - Oh, It went up In flames.
Oh, burnt completely.
I barely got out of the storage garage alive. Ugh.
You were with the float when It caught on fire?
Well, yeah.
Truth is I get a lot of attention now...
but the rest of the year...
I'm mostly just another out-of-work actor in Hollywood.
And sometimes when I'm feeling a little blue...
I dress up in my old Santa suit...
and go hang out in my float.
Maybe have a drink or two.
Anyway, last September, I passed out on my sleigh bench...
and when I woke up, the entire float was in flames.
Yeah, and my, uh, best beard?
The one made entirely of actual yak hair.
Torched.
Burned up faster than a pair of kid's pajamas.
Oh, my God, the Halloween fair is even paid for...
even though the Health Department shut me down.
- Because of botulism. - Yeah.
In one single brownie.
And it was my brownie to boot.
Little guy snatched it right off the platter of snacks...
that Randy and I kept in my big jack-o-lantern.
That was my name at Halloween.
Jack Lantern.
Funny, right?
Didn't something happen to your minivan too?
Yeah.
My brakes went out just as I was getting off the freeway.
Luckily, the light was green at the exit ramp...
- ...otherwise Santa would have crashed- - So wait, wait.
Today, the zip line.
- Yeah. - Before that, the minivan.
And the brownie and the float.
My God.
Is this part of the war on Christmas?
BRENDA Either that.
Or today, someone killed the wrong Santa.
Fritzi? Hey.
You're up late.
Yeah. Yeah, something about possibly losing everything we have...
made it hard to nod off.
So I thought I'd get Christmas up and rolling.
How did your day go?
Urn, good. Good. I'm star...
Uh, I'm starting to think somebody really doesn't want Santa at the North Pole.
And his niece was right. We've been checking with realtors...
and Randy and Lisa couldn't afford a vacant lot In Los Angeles...
much less their own Christmas village.
Hey, Fritzi, what are you doing?
I am taking down all of your Phillip Stroh stuff.
- What? Why? - I am tired of looking at him.
- I'm the only person who remembers- - Creepy, having him in our...
I live here too. I've got to get this guy out of our guest room.
It's not good for me. So one of us has to go.
Okay. Fine. I'll take him to work. That's not a big deal at all.
Hey, look, look, look.
I know what Stroh did was awful.
But holding on to the past like this, refusing to let go of the guy...
it's hurting us too.
It's making this court case we're facing more credible.
Don't you wanna beat this thing?
Is getting Stroh worth risking our whole future?
You're right, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, I know you're right.
Sometimes I hold onto things longer than I should. But you have to know...
there is nothing I want more than to get rid of Gavin...
and Goldman and this whole terrible lawsuit...
so that the future can go back to what it used to be.
I'd be happy if our guest room goes back to what it used to be.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, look, the future is gonna be what it is.
In the meantime...
try not to freak out in advance.
What?
How true.
- Hmm? - Freaking out in advance.
That's just not right.
Casey, don't mess with my camera.
CASEY: Come on, Buzzy.
You're supposed to be Mr. Holiday Spirit. Mom wanted pictures of you too.
Okay, uh, let's fast-forward to the accident please.
ALL: Eight, seven, six, five...
BUZZ: Okay, Casey, smile.
ALL: ..four, three, two... - Oh, no! Oh, God! No!
ALL: ..one! - Okay, stop it. Right there.
Uh, let's go back to where the woman screams.
ALL: Five, four, three- - Oh, no! Oh, God! No!
Freeze it. There.
When Buzz first showed me this footage...
it didn't register that the woman started screaming...
before Santa Randy took the leap.
And as you can see, Ms. Mc Bride, that woman Is you.
You have the right to remain silent.
- Anything you say... - Wait a minute. I don't understand.
- Why are you, uh...? - Your niece was horrified...
in advance of the accident.
PROVENZA: Which means, Santa Jack...
that she knew Randy was about to take the death plunge...
that she had planned for you. DONNA: No.
No, that's not right.
- I could never kill my Uncle Jack. - You're probably right.
But not for lack of trying.
PROVENZA: And who else has access to his property?
Could burn down the place where he stores his float, fiddle with his brakes?
She doesn't know anything about zip lines.
She knew everything she needed to know after signing the safety agreement.
Including how the brakes worked. And she saw you rehearsing the ride.
This is nonsense. Why would I do such a terrible thing?
I remember you telling me Randy and Lisa couldn't afford to buy the North Pole.
Made me wonder how much a plot of land like that...
would cost in L.A. So we did some research.
Two days before your uncle's car accident...
the real estate company Brown & Barrows offered $20 million...
for the property that you're leasing to your uncle for life.
And lo and behold, two days later, his minivan crashes.
One week later, Brown & Barrows upped their offer by $1 millions
And your uncle barely escaped burning to death on his float.
There's a pattern: Offer, botulism.
Offer, zip line.
Listen, this is what I'm going to do.
I'm going to arrest you for murder...
and three counts of attempted Santa-cide.
But in the spirit of the season...
and since you weren't really trying to kill Santa Randy...
I'm not going to pursue the death penalty trial...
if you just say the magic words.
I offered you a million dollars to give up that lease.
Christmas is not for sale.
You idiot.
- What? I'm not an idiot. - If you didn't have to dress up...
- ...in that stupid suit and wave at- - It's not a stupid...
Unh! You are not a legend.
There are hundreds of Santas better than you.
You are the worst actor ever! Ever!
I'll have you know, I've won six Drama-log awards.
Oh, God.
He is a degenerate, undeserving blowhard...
who ruined every Christmas for me my entire life.
Because of him, I never even got the chance to believe in Santa Claus.
Yeah, I wanted him dead.
And if I ever get the chance, I'll try and kill him again.
Well, Merry Christmas to you too.
POPE: Another $25000? Are you serious?
I know it's been a while since you worked in the city attorney's office...
.but do you recall what a public servant like Chief Johnson Is paid?
I recall it very well.
That's why I left and got into private practice...
where, lest we forget, people pay me for my services.
So far I have saved the city over $500,000.
And if I'm fending off a 50-million-dollar award...
plus punitive damages against Chief Johnson...
in what can only described...
as the biggest lawsuit of its kind before the federal bench...
my compensation should be relative to my expenses and my time Involved.
Listen, if you are trying the biggest lawsuit of Its kind...
before the federal bench...
.then you're gonna be on television a lot...
- My public profile is part- - I'm still talking. I'm still talking.
You could not buy the kind of publicity that you will get from this case.
From now on, you will be the first resort...
of any law enforcement officer facing similar charges.
And I'm guessing your rates will go up accordingly.
To be clear, if you are not willing to take this pro bono...
I guarantee you somebody else will be.
Wanna set up your next competitor?
Be our guest.
Well, let's not draw this out.
I don't usually work for free, but I like Brenda, I hate Peter Goldman...
and my office will be in touch. Bye-bye.
Oh, Will.
Thank you so much for helping me again
No way we could afford to pay for that.
Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you under the Impression...
that Chief Pope was In any way responsible...
- ...for procuring me my last retainer? - The city didn't volunteer to pay It.
Right. And Chief Pope had nothing to do with it either.
- He didn't? - No.
That money came from your husband...
.out of an inheritance he had from his parents.
I'm sorry, where were we? Ah, yes, I remember.
Bye-bye.
BU: I know you thought he was a sham, but look at this.
Here's stuff Santa Jack saved from kids over the years.
Thousands and thousands of letters filed alphabetically and by date.
One in particular stands out to me.
CASEY: Hmm.
“Dear Santa.
I am writing you because we have had a very hard time...
since we lost my dad...
and someone stole my big brother, Buzzy's, bicycle...
and Mom says we can't buy a new one.
All of his friends have bikes and he feels left out...
even though he acts like it's okay.
We still live in the same place we did last year.
And if there's anything left over after the bike, I would like a pony.
I love you, Santa. Casey Watson.”
See?
Can anyone here say hallelujah 20 million times really fast? Ha, ha.
Because that's how grateful I am for the $20 million...
Brown & Barrows has Just agreed to pay me...
for my Christmas village.
You said you'd never give up the North Pole.
Well, that's before you guys proved that my niece tried to kill me.
Now she needs a lawyer.
So I told her, If she signed the land over to me...
I'd sell it and help her hire one.
Hear, hear. Enjoy.
Uh, the reason for the season.
Ha, ha. Oh, oh.
Don't think I forgot about you, young fella.
If it wasn't for that camera of yours...
Donna would be planning on murdering me again, I am sure.
So tell us, what are they gonna build at the North Pole?
What they always build in L.A.
A temperature-controlled shopping environment..
Featuring lots of retail stores all crammed next to each other...
.and connected by an escalator and a food court.
Happy holidays.
I can't believe you sold Christmas.
Oh, nonsense, Buzz.
What says Christmas better than a mall?
My very words, ye merry gentlemen. My very words. Ha.
Oh. And Santa remembers you too, lovely lady.
- Oh. - Sorry, a little confetti there.
My fault. Hmm.
CASEY: And don't forget, boys and girls...
to tune in on Christmas Eve when we will be plugging In...
our specially modified Doppler 12000 radar...
to track Santa's progress...
as he makes his journey all the way from the North Pole...
and into your living room and under your tree.
I'm Casey Watson, good weather and good night.
WOMAN: And we're out. CASEY: Ugh.
Sync & Corrected by Shadowmoon