1
00:00:03,047 --> 00:00:04,546
Ok, so, dad, so, uh...
2
00:00:04,712 --> 00:00:06,339
If you're going on a cruise
to Mexico on Christmas,
3
00:00:06,464 --> 00:00:07,390
then there's really no reason
4
00:00:07,515 --> 00:00:08,592
for me to go to New Jersey, right?
5
00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:12,012
Yes!
6
00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:15,015
No, I'm really disappointed, yeah.
7
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:16,767
Yeah. Great.
8
00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:20,370
Uh, okay, safe trip. Bye.
9
00:00:20,495 --> 00:00:22,147
Get up.
I wanna jump on the bed.
10
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,323
You are so lucky.
11
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:33,583
I know. I get to play hooky
on Christmas,
12
00:00:33,708 --> 00:00:36,370
and I get to hang out with you.
13
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,121
You mean, go with me to Glenview
14
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,998
to see my mom and weird-ass aunts?
15
00:00:42,416 --> 00:00:46,088
Oh.
16
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:47,297
Do we really have to do that?
17
00:00:47,463 --> 00:00:48,831
Didn't last year your aunt Nancy
18
00:00:48,956 --> 00:00:50,759
hit your aunt Becky
in the face with a ham?
19
00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:54,804
Actually, it was a fist. Um...
20
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,739
Christmases in my family
have always been terrible.
21
00:00:56,864 --> 00:00:59,042
I remember growing up,
my parents would go into a room
22
00:00:59,167 --> 00:01:00,059
and fight with each other,
23
00:01:00,184 --> 00:01:01,344
and I'd be in my own little world,
24
00:01:01,469 --> 00:01:04,731
rubbing Ken and Barbie's
smooth parts together.
25
00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:08,151
You know, you deserve
a good Christmas.
26
00:01:08,317 --> 00:01:10,119
Hey, we should just have our own.
27
00:01:10,244 --> 00:01:12,072
God, I'd love that.
28
00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:14,366
Yeah, no fighting, no family,
29
00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:15,742
we could invite all our friends over.
30
00:01:15,908 --> 00:01:17,202
All we have to do
31
00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:19,371
is get out of going to see your mom.
32
00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:21,431
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can make up an excuse.
33
00:01:21,556 --> 00:01:23,667
I do it all the time
to get out of jury duty.
34
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,835
I don't know if we'll get
out of Christmas
35
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,296
by, uh, telling her you're a racist.
36
00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:32,892
Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience.
37
00:01:33,017 --> 00:01:34,678
You heard me.
38
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:40,142
- Hi, mom.
- Hi, honey.
39
00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:41,268
Did you get some new clothes?
40
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,728
Uh, no, I didn't.
41
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,554
Why not?
44
00:01:48,683 --> 00:01:49,859
Thanks.
45
00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:51,778
You know, it must be
these illegal diet drugs
46
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:52,821
I've been taking.
47
00:01:54,238 --> 00:01:55,865
Guess the government
just doesn't want me
48
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,743
to look this good.
49
00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:00,670
So have you talked to your father
50
00:02:00,795 --> 00:02:02,497
and his child-bride lately?
51
00:02:02,663 --> 00:02:03,373
Ah.
52
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:04,833
Mom, she's 49.
53
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:07,794
Parts of her are much younger.
54
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,079
Um, mom, I actually have
to tell you something.
55
00:02:10,204 --> 00:02:13,341
I... I'm not gonna be able to come
to Glenview for Christmas.
56
00:02:13,507 --> 00:02:15,594
- What? Why not?
- I know.
57
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,053
We're going on a cruise
with Alex's parents.
58
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,473
- Oh, no.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.
59
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,058
Yeah, and we're gonna wear
so much sunscreen,
60
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:25,395
so we won't be tan at all
when we get back.
61
00:02:25,561 --> 00:02:28,614
And I have been packing all morning.
62
00:02:28,739 --> 00:02:30,150
Look.
[Panting]
63
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,035
- Wow. Mexico.
- Yeah.
64
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,779
I mean, who could blame you?
65
00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,823
Remind me to give you a list
for the farmacia.
66
00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:39,942
But, mom, we'll still
celebrate Christmas.
67
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,203
We'll take you to dinner tonight.
68
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,747
I'm hungry now.
69
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:46,792
Do you have any Bailey's?
70
00:02:48,409 --> 00:02:49,461
Where'd the suitcase come from?
71
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:51,921
Oh, uh, don't take this
the wrong way,
72
00:02:52,046 --> 00:02:54,174
but I always have a bag packed.
73
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:01,564
Listen, picking out a tree
is like picking out a lady.
74
00:03:01,689 --> 00:03:03,934
She's probably only gonna be
around for 2 1/2 weeks,
75
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:06,302
so don't spend too much on her.
76
00:03:06,427 --> 00:03:07,737
Oh, thank God.
I thought he was gonna say,
77
00:03:07,862 --> 00:03:11,358
leave her on the curb and wait
for the city to pick her up.
78
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,860
I think this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
79
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,445
Then again, the bar's pretty low.
80
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,913
You know, I was raised by atheists,
81
00:03:17,038 --> 00:03:19,491
and I'm engaged to a Hindu.
82
00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:21,851
Okay, after this, we have to
get stuff for Christmas dinner,
83
00:03:21,976 --> 00:03:23,252
so lily, you're cooking.
84
00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:24,663
Roxanne, you're in charge of alcohol.
85
00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:28,583
Ooh, actually I am taking
a little time out from drinking.
86
00:03:28,749 --> 00:03:29,835
- Oh.
- I'm just not handling
87
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,495
my first post-divorce
Christmas that well.
88
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:34,881
I drunk-dialed Lance last night.
89
00:03:35,047 --> 00:03:36,925
- Oh.
- Yeah.
90
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:38,718
Yep, I told him that I hate him,
91
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,470
and that I still
have sex dreams about him,
92
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,264
so it was confusing for both of us.
93
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:43,348
All right.
94
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,708
Well, anyway, I think
it's a good time
95
00:03:45,833 --> 00:03:47,310
that I get a handle on the drinking.
96
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,045
I went into Barry's liquors
the other day, and...
97
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:51,398
They just gave me a free tank top.
98
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,366
Oh, my God.
99
00:03:53,491 --> 00:03:55,118
I'm gonna have at least
one sober adult
100
00:03:55,243 --> 00:03:58,588
around me on Christmas.
101
00:03:58,713 --> 00:03:59,822
It took 20 years,
102
00:03:59,947 --> 00:04:02,320
but Santa finally answered my letter.
103
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,501
I'm so glad I'm not with my mom.
104
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,295
She never used
to let me eat cookie dough.
105
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,221
Well, she's not here, so...
106
00:04:15,346 --> 00:04:17,757
Merry Christmas and happy salmonella.
107
00:04:20,184 --> 00:04:22,645
Yeah.
108
00:04:22,770 --> 00:04:24,881
So here's a new twist
on old traditions,
109
00:04:25,006 --> 00:04:26,649
starting with a cocktail.
110
00:04:26,774 --> 00:04:30,052
This is a bloody Mary eggnog.
111
00:04:30,177 --> 00:04:31,104
A blood nog.
112
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:36,484
Happy Birthday, Jesus.
113
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:38,403
These lights are like seaweed.
114
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:42,741
Stop pulling, stop pulling,
stop pulling.
115
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:45,418
I'm not pulling.
116
00:04:45,543 --> 00:04:46,752
How's it going?
117
00:04:46,877 --> 00:04:47,920
Good.
118
00:04:48,045 --> 00:04:49,288
Hey, Whit, thank you
for having us over.
119
00:04:49,413 --> 00:04:50,673
I've never done this before.
120
00:04:50,798 --> 00:04:53,176
The only holiday tradition
we had in my town was called
121
00:04:53,301 --> 00:04:56,171
"ding dong, let's throw rocks
at the brown kid."
122
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,847
Uh, Roxanne.
123
00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:00,583
A virgin blood nog for you, my dear.
124
00:05:00,708 --> 00:05:02,218
- Thank you.
- Yup.
125
00:05:02,384 --> 00:05:04,220
You know, this sobriety thing
is not that hard.
126
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,138
I feel great.
This morning, I woke up
127
00:05:06,263 --> 00:05:07,641
in the same room I fell asleep in.
128
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,100
Wow.
129
00:05:09,266 --> 00:05:11,060
And look, I put eyeliner...
130
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:13,355
On both eyes.
131
00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:14,964
Roxanne, this ornament's cool.
132
00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:16,066
Oh, yeah.
133
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:17,600
Lance gave me that a couple years ago
134
00:05:17,725 --> 00:05:20,269
before he stabbed me in the heart.
135
00:05:20,394 --> 00:05:23,105
That was back when...
When we were happy, you know?
136
00:05:23,230 --> 00:05:25,699
And we believed in little things
like ornaments.
137
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,076
And love.
138
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,162
And the future.
139
00:05:29,328 --> 00:05:31,665
Hey, let's go scream in the elevator.
140
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,625
Honey?
141
00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:38,754
Oh, my God.
142
00:05:38,879 --> 00:05:40,382
- Do you hear that?
- What?
143
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,550
No fighting, no yelling.
144
00:05:42,716 --> 00:05:45,762
This is the best Christmas ever.
145
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,563
- Oh, serious question, though.
- Hmm?
146
00:05:47,688 --> 00:05:50,790
How awesome do I look in these?
147
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,940
[Knocking]
148
00:05:58,065 --> 00:06:00,443
That was fast.
149
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,988
Merry Christmas!
150
00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,705
Dad.
151
00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:08,034
Dad, so good to see you!
152
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,067
- I just wish I had known you were coming.
- Oh, what fun would that be?
153
00:06:11,192 --> 00:06:12,285
And you know how I am.
154
00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,124
I'm here, I'm there,
155
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,001
you never know exactly
where I'm gonna be.
156
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,128
- And it's Christmas.
- Ah.
157
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,338
- No call or email?
- Oh.
158
00:06:20,504 --> 00:06:21,928
Voicemails, emails, Facebook...
159
00:06:22,053 --> 00:06:23,746
Technology is killing our ability
160
00:06:23,871 --> 00:06:25,182
to really connect with each other.
161
00:06:25,307 --> 00:06:27,470
Dad, you know Alex
started an Internet company.
162
00:06:27,636 --> 00:06:29,936
But it also brings us together.
163
00:06:30,061 --> 00:06:31,221
Alex!
164
00:06:31,346 --> 00:06:32,922
Hey.
165
00:06:33,047 --> 00:06:36,855
- The place still looks great.
- Ah.
166
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:38,106
You've never been here.
167
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,232
What?
168
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:41,860
I was just here last month.
169
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:43,600
No, I saw you a year ago.
170
00:06:43,725 --> 00:06:45,151
I think we spent, like,
ten minutes together
171
00:06:45,276 --> 00:06:47,449
- in an airport Cinnabon.
- Oh.
172
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,072
Yeah, it was when
you bought me that playboy,
173
00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:50,535
like it was a normal thing to do.
174
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,996
- [Laughing]
- Uh, why aren't you...
175
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:54,289
Spending Christmas with Dina?
176
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:58,648
Now the real question is,
why aren't we dancing?
177
00:06:58,773 --> 00:07:00,383
♪ Dancing through the snow ♪
178
00:07:00,508 --> 00:07:02,297
- ♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
- oh, God.
179
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:06,259
You look beautiful,
said the tree to the apple.
180
00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:08,341
Uh, you did not answer my ques...
181
00:07:08,466 --> 00:07:09,929
Did you start dyeing your hair?
182
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:11,728
- I didn't.
- Oh.
183
00:07:11,853 --> 00:07:15,315
I found this amazing herb
in Indonesia.
184
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,818
It returns your hair
to its natural color.
185
00:07:18,943 --> 00:07:22,275
Here, I picked this up for you...
186
00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:25,445
- In Jakarta.
- Ooh.
187
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:28,245
Wow.
188
00:07:28,370 --> 00:07:33,995
The tag says cost plus.
189
00:07:34,161 --> 00:07:37,707
Yep. Cost plus Jakarta.
190
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,125
I have to hit the bathroom. Oh!
191
00:07:42,250 --> 00:07:45,011
♪ Come all ye faithful ♪
192
00:07:45,136 --> 00:07:47,133
♪ joyful and triumphant ♪
193
00:07:47,299 --> 00:07:49,427
Oh, God.
This is not good.
194
00:07:49,593 --> 00:07:51,596
We have got to get him
out of here, he will ruin this.
195
00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,307
Oh, man, we were so close
to not having family.
196
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,273
No, no, no. We... we gotta
just stick to our thing.
197
00:07:56,398 --> 00:07:58,645
We are fake going on a real cruise.
198
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,688
But he just flew here from Indonesia.
199
00:08:00,854 --> 00:08:03,880
No, he didn't.
He flew here from Phoenix.
200
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,231
Nothing he says is true.
201
00:08:05,356 --> 00:08:08,071
He just says whatever he thinks
will make people like him.
202
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:10,944
Oh, yeah, that must've
skipped a generation.
203
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:16,126
Such a treat to use
an American toilet again.
204
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:18,211
So now for your real present.
205
00:08:18,336 --> 00:08:20,630
Alex, I hope you're ready
to make a lot of money,
206
00:08:20,755 --> 00:08:23,633
because this right here
is the best growth opportunity
207
00:08:23,758 --> 00:08:25,922
in the vitamin world
since Gingko Biloba.
208
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:30,373
Imagine a vitamin that can
keep you up for two days,
209
00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:33,138
and all you have to do is snort it.
210
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,557
And all I need from you
is a valid credit card.
211
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:36,780
Oh, dad.
212
00:08:36,905 --> 00:08:38,264
Oh, you know what, dad?
213
00:08:38,389 --> 00:08:40,478
We are gonna be late for our flight.
214
00:08:40,644 --> 00:08:41,479
Your flight?
215
00:08:41,645 --> 00:08:43,273
- Yeah.
- But where you going?
216
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:45,071
Oh, we're going on a cruise,
uh, with my parents.
217
00:08:45,196 --> 00:08:47,235
It's an established thing.
You can ask anybody.
218
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,327
Yeah, our flight leaves
in, like, an hour. Sorry.
219
00:08:50,452 --> 00:08:53,496
Oh, oh. No, no, no, no.
Hey, I dropped in unannounced.
220
00:08:53,621 --> 00:08:55,827
- I'll take you to the airport.
- Oh, no, no, no.
221
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:57,453
No, no. We'll just take a cab.
222
00:08:57,619 --> 00:08:58,468
What? You'll never make it on time.
223
00:08:58,593 --> 00:08:59,969
Alex, where's your suitcase?
224
00:09:00,094 --> 00:09:02,959
Come on, man.
We've got to move.
225
00:09:10,972 --> 00:09:14,017
[Humming nervously]
226
00:09:14,142 --> 00:09:15,518
What are you doing?
Why are you folding?
227
00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:17,432
Just put it in there.
228
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,690
Okay, it's gotta be more full.
229
00:09:20,815 --> 00:09:23,259
Come on, just jam it in there.
230
00:09:23,384 --> 00:09:25,762
I don'know.
Okay, get it in, get it in.
231
00:09:25,887 --> 00:09:27,063
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
232
00:09:27,188 --> 00:09:28,735
- Come on.
- Oh, I forgot a swimsuit.
233
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,066
- We're not going anywhere!
- You're right, you're right,
234
00:09:30,191 --> 00:09:33,323
you're right, you're right.
235
00:09:36,931 --> 00:09:37,785
Uh, all right.
236
00:09:37,951 --> 00:09:40,877
- Ah, got my bag.
- So, yeah...
237
00:09:41,002 --> 00:09:42,999
Tickets.
Okay, bye!
238
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,914
- Oh!
- Okay, thank you.
239
00:09:45,039 --> 00:09:46,049
Careful on that boat.
240
00:09:46,174 --> 00:09:47,333
I don't wanna be reading about you.
241
00:09:47,458 --> 00:09:48,718
- Okay.
- Alex!
242
00:09:48,843 --> 00:09:49,881
[Chuckling nervously]
243
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:54,457
- Okay. Tickets...
- Oh.
244
00:09:54,582 --> 00:09:58,723
- Ah... uh...
- Good, good...
245
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:00,767
I'm sorry, you need help
with the bags.
246
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:01,931
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
247
00:10:02,056 --> 00:10:03,144
You... dad... you can just
take off whenever.
248
00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:05,101
No, no. You should check
the bags curbside.
249
00:10:05,226 --> 00:10:06,105
- No, we don't...
- I'll find a guy.
250
00:10:06,271 --> 00:10:08,608
- No, no.
- This is ridiculous.
251
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,607
You know, a cab home's
gonna cost, like, 80 bucks.
252
00:10:10,732 --> 00:10:11,974
This is my man Ronald.
253
00:10:12,099 --> 00:10:14,530
He'll take good care of you.
We both went to Loyola.
254
00:10:14,696 --> 00:10:16,699
The one in California, if he asks.
255
00:10:16,865 --> 00:10:18,047
Merry Christmas, folks.
Can I take your bags?
256
00:10:18,172 --> 00:10:19,816
No. No, no, no, sorry.
Um, just gimme a second
257
00:10:19,941 --> 00:10:20,983
to say goodbye to my dad, Ronald.
258
00:10:21,108 --> 00:10:23,720
Yeah, jeez, let her say bye
to her dad, Ron.
259
00:10:23,845 --> 00:10:27,323
- Ron? I...
- Yeah.
260
00:10:27,448 --> 00:10:28,836
Hey, have a great time, you two.
261
00:10:29,002 --> 00:10:30,964
Bye, dad.
[Laughing]
262
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:34,631
It was really good to see you.
263
00:10:34,756 --> 00:10:36,219
Merry Christmas.
264
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,263
And you too, bug.
265
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,270
Well, time for me to take my chariot
266
00:10:40,395 --> 00:10:41,891
back to the four seasons.
267
00:10:42,057 --> 00:10:45,475
Nothing like spending Christmas
in a five-star hotel.
268
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:49,607
♪ It came upon a midnight clear ♪
269
00:10:49,773 --> 00:10:52,860
He's not really staying
at the four seasons, is he?
270
00:10:53,026 --> 00:10:55,029
Now you're catching on.
271
00:10:57,278 --> 00:10:59,589
- Are you guys ready?
- All: Yeah.
272
00:10:59,714 --> 00:11:03,162
All: Three, two, one.
273
00:11:03,328 --> 00:11:05,628
- Ah!
- Yay, all right.
274
00:11:05,753 --> 00:11:07,333
Okay.
275
00:11:10,158 --> 00:11:11,634
Oh, my God, Alex.
Look at this.
276
00:11:11,759 --> 00:11:14,637
What I found with the DVDs.
277
00:11:14,762 --> 00:11:16,272
"Bug, here's hoping that this year
278
00:11:16,397 --> 00:11:17,757
"we can have the best Christmas ever.
279
00:11:17,882 --> 00:11:21,094
There's no place
I'd rather be. Love, dad."
280
00:11:21,219 --> 00:11:23,179
Oh, God. At least
my mom is with her sisters.
281
00:11:23,304 --> 00:11:25,849
My dad is all alone on Christmas.
282
00:11:25,974 --> 00:11:29,076
Look at the stationary.
283
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:31,733
"Big six hotel and liquor mart."
284
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,106
If he's at that place,
and he's got ten bucks,
285
00:11:33,231 --> 00:11:34,193
he's not alone.
286
00:11:39,364 --> 00:11:41,701
Ugh.
287
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,449
If these walls could talk,
288
00:11:43,574 --> 00:11:46,419
they'd have a woman's voice
and an Adam's apple.
289
00:11:46,544 --> 00:11:47,921
Well, what's your mom
gonna say when she finds out
290
00:11:48,046 --> 00:11:49,589
- you saw your dad on Christmas?
- Oh, she'll never find out.
291
00:11:49,714 --> 00:11:50,835
They hate each other.
They only speak
292
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,587
when there's a lawyer present.
[Knocking]
293
00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:54,928
Man, it's a miracle that
one of these rooms
294
00:11:55,053 --> 00:11:56,049
isn't your office.
295
00:11:58,006 --> 00:11:58,885
Whitney!
296
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,251
It's not what you think.
297
00:12:02,376 --> 00:12:04,754
Vince:
Candi, don't freak out,
298
00:12:04,879 --> 00:12:06,142
but I think...
299
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:08,019
Yep, the condom broke.
300
00:12:12,972 --> 00:12:15,485
I can't believe this...
What is this? Is this happening?
301
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:16,611
Is this happening?
302
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,738
Nothing is happening.
303
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,823
Hey, Vince, you should
button up your boxers, dude.
304
00:12:20,989 --> 00:12:22,492
- Thank you.
- Okay.
305
00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:23,550
You guys don't speak.
306
00:12:23,675 --> 00:12:24,852
You haven't talked since graduation.
307
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:26,120
You guys hate each other.
308
00:12:26,286 --> 00:12:27,955
Yeah, well, we still hate each other.
309
00:12:28,121 --> 00:12:30,290
Honey, this was just
a one-time thing.
310
00:12:30,415 --> 00:12:31,859
And we don't talk.
311
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:35,129
There was no talking
going on in there.
312
00:12:35,295 --> 00:12:37,298
And, I'm sorry, but aren't you two
313
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:39,717
supposed to be on a Mexican cruise?
314
00:12:39,883 --> 00:12:42,136
Okay, your thing is much worse
than our thing.
315
00:12:42,302 --> 00:12:45,139
Oh, both things are fine.
Everything's fine.
316
00:12:45,305 --> 00:12:46,306
I cannot believe this.
317
00:12:46,431 --> 00:12:48,325
I cannot believe that
you guys are actually
318
00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:51,479
more messed up and dishonest
than I thought you were.
319
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:53,480
I am such an idiot for thinking
320
00:12:53,605 --> 00:12:55,525
that you guys weren't
gonna ruin my Christmas.
321
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:56,859
Hey, you lied too.
322
00:12:57,025 --> 00:12:59,278
I learned from the best.
323
00:13:01,488 --> 00:13:04,575
- [Door slamming]
- Alex, wait a minute.
324
00:13:04,741 --> 00:13:06,911
Did you have a chance
to take a look at those DVDs?
325
00:13:10,305 --> 00:13:11,532
Hey, did you find your dad?
326
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:12,542
Yeah.
327
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,802
He was inside my mom.
328
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:16,629
I thought they couldn't
stand each other.
329
00:13:16,795 --> 00:13:18,672
You and me both.
I apparently don't know
330
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:20,758
what's true anymore.
And I'm sorry, you guys.
331
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:22,109
I'm not gonna be much of a hostess.
332
00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:23,110
You don't have to sit around
333
00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,471
- and listen to this.
- Hey.
334
00:13:25,637 --> 00:13:26,848
Nobody's going anywhere.
335
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:28,683
Yeah, Whit.
336
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,852
Everybody fights with
their family on Christmas.
337
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:32,186
Why do you think we're all here?
338
00:13:32,352 --> 00:13:34,439
But...
339
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,149
It's not just the fighting,
340
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,292
it is the constant lying,
341
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:40,567
and I am just as bad as they are.
342
00:13:41,111 --> 00:13:43,797
I realize that my family's
Christmas tradition
343
00:13:43,922 --> 00:13:45,032
is dishonesty.
344
00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:47,743
Well.
345
00:13:47,909 --> 00:13:49,035
Our families aren't here now.
346
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,289
So... what do you wanna do?
347
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:54,459
Yeah, we can start
our own traditions.
348
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,461
Okay.
349
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,512
Okay, okay.
350
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,090
The Christmas tradition
that I wanna start is that
351
00:14:01,256 --> 00:14:03,767
everybody tells the truth,
and that's it.
352
00:14:03,892 --> 00:14:05,569
And we're all just gonna go around,
353
00:14:05,694 --> 00:14:08,848
it's probably gonna get real.
354
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,141
Who's first?
355
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,643
Mark.
356
00:14:16,955 --> 00:14:18,499
I journal.
357
00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:22,402
Every night.
358
00:14:22,527 --> 00:14:24,822
Sometimes in the morning,
when my dreams are really vivid.
359
00:14:26,698 --> 00:14:30,119
Oh, my God, does that
feel good to say. Whoo!
360
00:14:30,285 --> 00:14:31,612
Good, mark.
Thank you.
361
00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:32,705
Thank you.
Who's next?
362
00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:33,956
- Lily.
- Okay...
363
00:14:34,122 --> 00:14:36,375
I'd like to go again, actually.
364
00:14:36,541 --> 00:14:39,019
When I was ten years old,
365
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:42,256
I got paid $20 to...
366
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:46,344
Touch tips with Randy Lucas.
367
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:47,845
[Bombing sound]
368
00:14:52,557 --> 00:14:53,476
Go ahead, lily.
369
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:57,571
Mine is that it bothers me
370
00:14:57,696 --> 00:15:01,067
that you always shower
right after we have sex, so...
371
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:04,044
Mine is that
it makes me uncomfortable
372
00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:07,240
when you talk about our sex life
with our friends. Roxanne?
373
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,217
Uh... uh, yeah, okay.
374
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:12,036
Um, well, mine is about Lance.
375
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:15,672
And, yes, he cheated on me.
376
00:15:15,797 --> 00:15:16,707
In my own house.
377
00:15:16,873 --> 00:15:18,125
In my own bed.
378
00:15:18,291 --> 00:15:20,837
On my own boogie board, but...
379
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,464
With a little sober clarity,
I can admit that
380
00:15:23,630 --> 00:15:25,675
I pushed him away
long before that, so I...
381
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:28,761
Kind of need to take
responsibility for that.
382
00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:33,474
Why do you need a boogie board?
383
00:15:35,058 --> 00:15:38,703
[Scrabbling at door]
384
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:44,527
Come on. You're breaking
into my house?
385
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:47,120
I'm sorry,
what are you guys here for?
386
00:15:47,245 --> 00:15:50,741
Do y need a morning-after pill?
387
00:15:50,907 --> 00:15:53,536
No, but if you have
any penicillin, I'll take it.
388
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:55,863
Hey, I'm Vince.
389
00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:57,832
I understand we're both
in the finance game,
390
00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,500
and I'm also 1/8th Indian.
391
00:15:59,666 --> 00:16:02,128
Dad, stop...
392
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,770
With the lies, okay?
393
00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:05,338
We just started a Christmas tradition
394
00:16:05,463 --> 00:16:07,049
where we're all telling the truth,
395
00:16:07,215 --> 00:16:10,077
and I'm next, so...
396
00:16:10,202 --> 00:16:12,412
I lied to you guys
about going on that cruise
397
00:16:12,537 --> 00:16:14,248
because you guys have ruined
every Christmas
398
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:15,641
- that I've ever had.
- What are you talk...
399
00:16:15,807 --> 00:16:18,318
We had the most
wonderful Christmases.
400
00:16:18,443 --> 00:16:20,203
The house would be filled with music,
401
00:16:20,328 --> 00:16:22,481
- and dear friends dropped over.
- Mom.
402
00:16:22,647 --> 00:16:24,207
You would get drunk and sing,
403
00:16:24,332 --> 00:16:27,778
and the repo man was not our friend.
404
00:16:27,944 --> 00:16:31,064
Jerry was a nice man
405
00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,826
with a thankless job.
406
00:16:33,992 --> 00:16:36,870
Dad, you can't even
remember things honestly.
407
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:39,473
I am trying to break the cycle, okay?
408
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:42,042
Another truth? I was on ecstasy
at your third wedding.
409
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,067
That's why I was sitting
on all those balloons.
410
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:46,914
Well, that answers a lot of questions
411
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,967
I had about your toast.
412
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:52,653
All right.
What about you two?
413
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,096
Do you have anything you wanna share?
414
00:16:54,262 --> 00:16:57,824
- No.
- I don't have anything.
415
00:16:57,949 --> 00:17:00,060
But I bet he does.
416
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,497
Uh, ooh, I'm racking my brain.
417
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:07,943
Yo tengo nada.
418
00:17:10,278 --> 00:17:11,772
All right, you know what?
Then I'll go.
419
00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:15,926
Uh... two years ago,
after I met you two,
420
00:17:16,051 --> 00:17:17,928
I almost broke up with Whitney.
421
00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:20,539
- What?
- Yeah, look, a lot of girls
422
00:17:20,705 --> 00:17:22,500
from messed-up families
are messed up too.
423
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:26,086
And when I first saw
how dishonest your family was,
424
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,271
I almost bailed,
425
00:17:28,396 --> 00:17:30,490
and that would've sucked because...
426
00:17:30,615 --> 00:17:31,801
You're a really good person.
427
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,593
Well, of course she's a good person.
428
00:17:33,718 --> 00:17:35,054
She's my daughter.
429
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,229
Okay, I got one.
430
00:17:36,354 --> 00:17:38,766
Your mother and I have
secret sex every Christmas.
431
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,636
Vince.
432
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:44,705
Well, it's the one time
of year we get along.
433
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,816
I mean, we just slipped
back into it a few years back.
434
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,875
Okay, you guys never
got along on Christmas.
435
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,711
You guys would lock
yourselves into a room,
436
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,129
and yell and scream at each other,
437
00:17:52,254 --> 00:17:57,118
and you'd pound on the walls...
Oh, ew, ew, gross!
438
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:00,454
Oh, we loved Christmas, bug,
439
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,791
because even when we knew
we were bombing as parents,
440
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:06,360
there'd be a point
when we'd look over there
441
00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:10,423
and we'd see you
playing with your Barbies...
442
00:18:12,507 --> 00:18:16,153
And we'd think, there's
the one great thing
443
00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:17,346
we ever did together.
444
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:19,974
And that's the truth.
445
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,744
You guys are gonna make me cry.
446
00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:26,246
And we try to recapture
that feeling once a year
447
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:28,357
with keep-your-shirts-on sex.
448
00:18:28,523 --> 00:18:29,673
Ew. Come on!
449
00:18:31,126 --> 00:18:32,986
- Oh.
- Bye.
450
00:18:33,111 --> 00:18:34,822
Thanks for having us, bug.
451
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,073
I hope we didn't
ruin another Christmas.
452
00:18:36,239 --> 00:18:37,674
No, God, I love you guys.
453
00:18:37,799 --> 00:18:40,961
But in the future, I am not
tolerating any more lies,
454
00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:44,457
I'm serious. What?
455
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:48,127
Your cat didn't run away,
I hit it with my car.
456
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:52,256
But we buried her in the backyard.
457
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:55,468
And that's why all those
weird mushrooms sprouted up.
458
00:18:56,927 --> 00:19:00,981
I forgot to mail three
of your college applications.
459
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:02,892
And we weren't married
when you were born.
460
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,652
Okay, you know what?
I'm good. I'm good.
461
00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:07,871
Thanks, guys.
Love you, love you.
462
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:09,656
Vince: Hey, how 'bout a ride
back to the hotel?
463
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:11,692
Candi: Oh, get a cab.
464
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:16,963
- Honey, it's okay.
- Mm, what?
465
00:19:17,088 --> 00:19:17,964
- It's okay.
- All right.
466
00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:21,118
You're still a man.
467
00:19:21,284 --> 00:19:25,289
It... it got bigger, I swear.
468
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:26,256
I'm sorry we didn't get
469
00:19:26,381 --> 00:19:28,125
to have our family-free Christmas.
470
00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:31,428
Oh, well, you know, the truth is,
471
00:19:31,553 --> 00:19:34,014
we'll never have
family-free Christmas.
472
00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:35,257
We're family now.
473
00:19:35,423 --> 00:19:37,641
We are.
474
00:19:40,553 --> 00:19:43,657
Oh, hey, and also, uh...
475
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:46,185
Can I have one more turn
at the honesty thing?
476
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:47,561
Sure.
477
00:19:47,727 --> 00:19:51,064
Okay, um...
478
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:52,398
Well, remember how I told you
479
00:19:52,523 --> 00:19:55,235
I loved you for the first time,
uh, after six months?
480
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,530
Uh, actually I told you
for the first time
481
00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,040
after six weeks,
you just didn't hear it
482
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,326
because you were asleep.
483
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:11,475
I broke your iPad.
484
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:17,381
And I wasn't asleep.
485
00:20:21,657 --> 00:20:24,117
I told you this DVD
would change your life, buddy.
486
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,296
I... am speechless.
487
00:20:26,421 --> 00:20:28,678
I am... without speech.
488
00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:29,979
Yes, you do.
Quick question.
489
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:32,209
What is the strongest structure
on earth, mark?
490
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:33,463
The human span.
491
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:34,893
No.
492
00:20:35,369 --> 00:20:36,987
Friendship.
493
00:20:37,814 --> 00:20:40,560
So all you have to do
is find 10 friends
494
00:20:40,685 --> 00:20:43,369
who'll sell these vitamins.
It's guaranteed profit.
495
00:20:43,494 --> 00:20:46,322
And all you want is four hundred
and fifty dollars cash?
496
00:20:47,337 --> 00:20:49,915
- And I can retire in three years?
- Yeah.
497
00:20:50,081 --> 00:20:52,992
Hey, I've been retired for ten!
498
00:20:53,117 --> 00:20:55,004
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com