1
00:00:02,847 --> 00:00:04,346
Ok, so, dad, so, uh...
2
00:00:04,512 --> 00:00:06,139
If you're going on a cruise
to Mexico on Christmas,
3
00:00:06,264 --> 00:00:07,190
then there's really no reason
4
00:00:07,315 --> 00:00:08,392
for me to go to New Jersey, right?
5
00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:11,812
Yes!
6
00:00:13,021 --> 00:00:14,815
No, I'm really disappointed, yeah.
7
00:00:14,981 --> 00:00:16,567
Yeah. Great.
8
00:00:16,733 --> 00:00:20,170
Uh, okay, safe trip. Bye.
9
00:00:20,295 --> 00:00:21,947
Get up.
I wanna jump on the bed.
10
00:00:29,287 --> 00:00:31,123
You are so lucky.
11
00:00:31,289 --> 00:00:33,383
I know. I get to play hooky
on Christmas,
12
00:00:33,508 --> 00:00:36,170
and I get to hang out with you.
13
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:37,921
You mean, go with me to Glenview
14
00:00:38,046 --> 00:00:39,798
to see my Mom and weird-ass aunts?
15
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:45,888
Oh.
16
00:00:46,054 --> 00:00:47,097
Do we really have to do that?
17
00:00:47,263 --> 00:00:48,631
Didn't last year your aunt Nancy
18
00:00:48,756 --> 00:00:50,559
hit your aunt Becky
in the face with a ham?
19
00:00:50,725 --> 00:00:54,604
Actually, it was a fist. Um...
20
00:00:54,729 --> 00:00:56,539
Christmases in my family
have always been terrible.
21
00:00:56,664 --> 00:00:58,842
I remember growing up,
my parents would go into a room
22
00:00:58,967 --> 00:00:59,859
and fight with each other,
23
00:00:59,984 --> 00:01:01,144
and I'd be in my own little world,
24
00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:04,531
rubbing Ken and Barbie's
smooth parts together.
25
00:01:04,697 --> 00:01:07,951
You know, you deserve
a good Christmas.
26
00:01:08,117 --> 00:01:09,919
Hey, we should just have our own.
27
00:01:10,044 --> 00:01:11,872
God, I'd love that.
28
00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:14,166
Yeah, no fighting, no family,
29
00:01:14,332 --> 00:01:15,542
we could invite all our friends over.
30
00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:17,002
All we have to do
31
00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:19,171
is get out of going to see your Mom.
32
00:01:19,337 --> 00:01:21,231
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can make up an excuse.
33
00:01:21,356 --> 00:01:23,467
I do it all the time
to get out of jury duty.
34
00:01:23,633 --> 00:01:25,635
I don't know if we'll get
out of Christmas
35
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,096
by, uh, telling her you're a racist.
36
00:01:29,681 --> 00:01:32,692
Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience.
37
00:01:32,817 --> 00:01:34,478
You heard me.
38
00:01:37,071 --> 00:01:39,942
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
39
00:01:40,108 --> 00:01:41,068
Did you get some new clothes?
40
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:42,528
Uh, no, I didn't.
41
00:01:42,694 --> 00:01:44,354
Why not?
44
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,659
Thanks.
45
00:01:49,784 --> 00:01:51,578
You know, it must be
these illegal diet drugs
46
00:01:51,703 --> 00:01:52,621
I've been taking.
47
00:01:54,038 --> 00:01:55,665
Guess the government
just doesn't want me
48
00:01:55,790 --> 00:01:57,543
to look this good.
49
00:01:57,709 --> 00:02:00,470
So have you talked to your father
50
00:02:00,595 --> 00:02:02,297
and his child-bride lately?
51
00:02:02,463 --> 00:02:03,173
Ah.
52
00:02:03,298 --> 00:02:04,633
Mom, she's 49.
53
00:02:04,799 --> 00:02:07,594
Parts of her are much younger.
54
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,879
Um, Mom, I actually have
to tell you something.
55
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:13,141
I... I'm not gonna be able to come
to Glenview for Christmas.
56
00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:15,394
- What? Why not?
- I know.
57
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,853
We're going on a cruise
with Alex's parents.
58
00:02:16,978 --> 00:02:19,273
- Oh, no.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.
59
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:21,858
Yeah, and we're gonna wear
so much sunscreen,
60
00:02:21,983 --> 00:02:25,195
so we won't be tan at all
when we get back.
61
00:02:25,361 --> 00:02:28,414
And I have been packing all morning.
62
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:29,950
Look.
63
00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:31,835
- Wow. Mexico.
- Yeah.
64
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,579
I mean, who could blame you?
65
00:02:33,745 --> 00:02:36,623
Remind me to give you a list
for the farmacia.
66
00:02:38,249 --> 00:02:39,742
But, Mom, we'll still
celebrate Christmas.
67
00:02:39,867 --> 00:02:41,003
We'll take you to dinner tonight.
68
00:02:41,169 --> 00:02:43,547
I'm hungry now.
69
00:02:43,713 --> 00:02:46,592
Do you have any Bailey's?
70
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:49,261
Where'd the suitcase come from?
71
00:02:49,427 --> 00:02:51,721
Oh, uh, don't take this
the wrong way,
72
00:02:51,846 --> 00:02:53,974
but I always have a bag packed.
73
00:02:59,153 --> 00:03:01,364
Listen, picking out a tree
is like picking out a lady.
74
00:03:01,489 --> 00:03:03,734
She's probably only gonna be
around for 2 1/2 weeks,
75
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,102
so don't spend too much on her.
76
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:07,537
Oh, thank God.
I thought he was gonna say,
77
00:03:07,662 --> 00:03:11,158
leave her on the curb and wait
for the city to pick her up.
78
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:13,660
I think this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
79
00:03:13,785 --> 00:03:15,245
Then again, the bar's pretty low.
80
00:03:15,370 --> 00:03:16,713
You know, I was raised by atheists,
81
00:03:16,838 --> 00:03:19,291
and I'm engaged to a Hindu.
82
00:03:19,457 --> 00:03:21,651
Okay, after this, we have to
get stuff for Christmas dinner,
83
00:03:21,776 --> 00:03:23,052
so lily, you're cooking.
84
00:03:23,177 --> 00:03:24,463
Roxanne, you're in charge of alcohol.
85
00:03:24,629 --> 00:03:28,383
Ooh, actually I am taking
a little time out from drinking.
86
00:03:28,549 --> 00:03:29,635
- Oh.
- I'm just not handling
87
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:32,295
my first post-divorce
Christmas that well.
88
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,681
I drunk-dialed Lance last night.
89
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:36,725
- Oh.
- Yeah.
90
00:03:36,891 --> 00:03:38,518
Yep, I told him that I hate him,
91
00:03:38,643 --> 00:03:40,270
and that I still
have sex dreams about him,
92
00:03:40,395 --> 00:03:42,064
so it was confusing for both of us.
93
00:03:42,230 --> 00:03:43,148
All right.
94
00:03:43,314 --> 00:03:45,508
Well, anyway, I think
it's a good time
95
00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:47,110
that I get a handle on the drinking.
96
00:03:47,235 --> 00:03:48,845
I went into Barry's liquors
the other day, and...
97
00:03:48,970 --> 00:03:51,198
They just gave me a free tank top.
98
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,166
Oh, my God.
99
00:03:53,291 --> 00:03:54,918
I'm gonna have at least
one sober adult
100
00:03:55,043 --> 00:03:58,388
around me on Christmas.
101
00:03:58,513 --> 00:03:59,622
It took 20 years,
102
00:03:59,747 --> 00:04:02,120
but Santa finally answered my letter.
103
00:04:10,091 --> 00:04:11,301
I'm so glad I'm not with my Mom.
104
00:04:11,426 --> 00:04:13,095
She never used
to let me eat cookie dough.
105
00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:15,021
Well, she's not here, so...
106
00:04:15,146 --> 00:04:17,557
Merry Christmas and happy salmonella.
107
00:04:19,984 --> 00:04:22,445
Yeah.
108
00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:24,681
So here's a new twist
on old traditions,
109
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,449
starting with a cocktail.
110
00:04:26,574 --> 00:04:29,852
This is a bloody Mary eggnog.
111
00:04:29,977 --> 00:04:30,904
A blood nog.
112
00:04:33,114 --> 00:04:36,284
Happy Birthday, Jesus.
113
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:38,203
These lights are like seaweed.
114
00:04:38,369 --> 00:04:42,541
Stop pulling, stop pulling,
stop pulling.
115
00:04:42,707 --> 00:04:45,218
I'm not pulling.
116
00:04:45,343 --> 00:04:46,552
How's it going?
117
00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:47,720
Good.
118
00:04:47,845 --> 00:04:49,088
Hey, Whit, thank you
for having us over.
119
00:04:49,213 --> 00:04:50,473
I've never done this before.
120
00:04:50,598 --> 00:04:52,976
The only holiday tradition
we had in my town was called
121
00:04:53,101 --> 00:04:55,971
"ding dong, let's throw rocks
at the brown kid."
122
00:04:56,137 --> 00:04:57,647
Uh, Roxanne.
123
00:04:57,772 --> 00:05:00,383
A virgin blood nog for you, my dear.
124
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,018
- Thank you.
- Yup.
125
00:05:02,184 --> 00:05:04,020
You know, this sobriety thing
is not that hard.
126
00:05:04,145 --> 00:05:05,938
I feel great.
This morning, I woke up
127
00:05:06,063 --> 00:05:07,441
in the same room I fell asleep in.
128
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:08,900
Wow.
129
00:05:09,066 --> 00:05:10,860
And look, I put eyeliner...
130
00:05:10,985 --> 00:05:13,155
On both eyes.
131
00:05:13,321 --> 00:05:14,764
Roxanne, this ornament's cool.
132
00:05:14,889 --> 00:05:15,866
Oh, yeah.
133
00:05:16,032 --> 00:05:17,400
Lance gave me that a couple years ago
134
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:20,069
before he stabbed me in the heart.
135
00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:22,905
That was back when...
When we were happy, you know?
136
00:05:23,030 --> 00:05:25,499
And we believed in little things
like ornaments.
137
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:26,876
And love.
138
00:05:27,001 --> 00:05:28,962
And the future.
139
00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:31,465
Hey, let's go scream in the elevator.
140
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,425
Honey?
141
00:05:37,762 --> 00:05:38,554
Oh, my God.
142
00:05:38,679 --> 00:05:40,182
- Do you hear that?
- What?
143
00:05:40,348 --> 00:05:42,350
No fighting, no yelling.
144
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:45,562
This is the best Christmas ever.
145
00:05:45,728 --> 00:05:47,363
- Oh, serious question, though.
- Hmm?
146
00:05:47,488 --> 00:05:50,590
How awesome do I look in these?
147
00:05:57,865 --> 00:06:00,243
That was fast.
148
00:06:00,368 --> 00:06:02,788
Merry Christmas!
149
00:06:02,954 --> 00:06:05,505
Dad.
150
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:07,834
Dad, so good to see you!
151
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,867
- I just wish I had known you were coming.
- Oh, what fun would that be?
152
00:06:10,992 --> 00:06:12,085
And you know how I am.
153
00:06:12,210 --> 00:06:13,924
I'm here, I'm there,
154
00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:15,801
you never know exactly
where I'm gonna be.
155
00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:17,928
- And it's Christmas.
- Ah.
156
00:06:18,094 --> 00:06:20,138
- No call or email?
- Oh.
157
00:06:20,304 --> 00:06:21,728
Voicemails, emails, Facebook...
158
00:06:21,853 --> 00:06:23,546
Technology is killing our ability
159
00:06:23,671 --> 00:06:24,982
to really connect with each other.
160
00:06:25,107 --> 00:06:27,270
Dad, you know Alex
started an Internet company.
161
00:06:27,436 --> 00:06:29,736
But it also brings us together.
162
00:06:29,861 --> 00:06:31,021
Alex!
163
00:06:31,146 --> 00:06:32,722
Hey.
164
00:06:32,847 --> 00:06:36,655
- The place still looks great.
- Ah.
165
00:06:36,821 --> 00:06:37,906
You've never been here.
166
00:06:38,072 --> 00:06:39,032
What?
167
00:06:39,198 --> 00:06:41,660
I was just here last month.
168
00:06:41,826 --> 00:06:43,400
No, I saw you a year ago.
169
00:06:43,525 --> 00:06:44,951
I think we spent, like,
ten minutes together
170
00:06:45,076 --> 00:06:47,249
- in an airport Cinnabon.
- Oh.
171
00:06:47,415 --> 00:06:48,872
Yeah, it was when
you bought me that playboy,
172
00:06:48,997 --> 00:06:50,335
like it was a normal thing to do.
173
00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:52,796
Uh, why aren't you...
174
00:06:52,962 --> 00:06:54,089
Spending Christmas with Dina?
175
00:06:54,255 --> 00:06:58,448
Now the real question is,
why aren't we dancing?
176
00:06:58,573 --> 00:07:00,183
♪ Dancing through the snow ♪
177
00:07:00,308 --> 00:07:02,097
- ♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
- Oh, God.
178
00:07:02,263 --> 00:07:06,059
You look beautiful,
said the tree to the apple.
179
00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:08,141
Uh, you did not answer my ques...
180
00:07:08,266 --> 00:07:09,729
Did you start dyeing your hair?
181
00:07:09,895 --> 00:07:11,528
- I didn't.
- Oh.
182
00:07:11,653 --> 00:07:15,115
I found this amazing herb
in Indonesia.
183
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,618
It returns your hair
to its natural color.
184
00:07:18,743 --> 00:07:22,075
Here, I picked this up for you...
185
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:25,245
- In Jakarta.
- Ooh.
186
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:28,045
Wow.
187
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:33,795
The tag says cost plus.
188
00:07:33,961 --> 00:07:37,507
Yep. Cost plus Jakarta.
189
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,925
I have to hit the bathroom. Oh!
190
00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:44,811
♪ Come all ye faithful ♪
191
00:07:44,936 --> 00:07:46,933
♪ joyful and triumphant ♪
192
00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:49,227
Oh, God.
This is not good.
193
00:07:49,393 --> 00:07:51,396
We have got to get him
out of here, he will ruin this.
194
00:07:51,562 --> 00:07:54,107
Oh, man, we were so close
to not having family.
195
00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:56,073
No, no, no. We... we gotta
just stick to our thing.
196
00:07:56,198 --> 00:07:58,445
We are fake going on a real cruise.
197
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:00,488
But he just flew here from Indonesia.
198
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:03,680
No, he didn't.
He flew here from Phoenix.
199
00:08:03,805 --> 00:08:05,031
Nothing he says is true.
200
00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,871
He just says whatever he thinks
will make people like him.
201
00:08:08,037 --> 00:08:10,744
Oh, yeah, that must've
skipped a generation.
202
00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:15,926
Such a treat to use
an American toilet again.
203
00:08:16,051 --> 00:08:18,011
So now for your real present.
204
00:08:18,136 --> 00:08:20,430
Alex, I hope you're ready
to make a lot of money,
205
00:08:20,555 --> 00:08:23,433
because this right here
is the best growth opportunity
206
00:08:23,558 --> 00:08:25,722
in the vitamin world
since Gingko Biloba.
207
00:08:25,888 --> 00:08:30,173
Imagine a vitamin that can
keep you up for two days,
208
00:08:30,298 --> 00:08:32,938
and all you have to do is snort it.
209
00:08:33,104 --> 00:08:35,357
And all I need from you
is a valid credit card.
210
00:08:35,523 --> 00:08:36,580
Oh, dad.
211
00:08:36,705 --> 00:08:38,064
Oh, you know what, dad?
212
00:08:38,189 --> 00:08:40,278
We are gonna be late for our flight.
213
00:08:40,444 --> 00:08:41,279
Your flight?
214
00:08:41,445 --> 00:08:43,073
- Yeah.
- But where you going?
215
00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:44,871
Oh, we're going on a cruise,
uh, with my parents.
216
00:08:44,996 --> 00:08:47,035
It's an established thing.
You can ask anybody.
217
00:08:47,201 --> 00:08:50,127
Yeah, our flight leaves
in, like, an hour. Sorry.
218
00:08:50,252 --> 00:08:53,296
Oh, oh. No, no, no, no.
Hey, I dropped in unannounced.
219
00:08:53,421 --> 00:08:55,627
- I'll take you to the airport.
- Oh, no, no, no.
220
00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,253
No, no. We'll just take a cab.
221
00:08:57,419 --> 00:08:58,268
What? You'll never make it on time.
222
00:08:58,393 --> 00:08:59,769
Alex, where's your suitcase?
223
00:08:59,894 --> 00:09:02,759
Come on, man.
We've got to move.
224
00:09:13,942 --> 00:09:15,318
What are you doing?
Why are you folding?
225
00:09:15,443 --> 00:09:17,232
Just put it in there.
226
00:09:17,398 --> 00:09:20,490
Okay, it's gotta be more full.
227
00:09:20,615 --> 00:09:23,059
Come on, just jam it in there.
228
00:09:23,184 --> 00:09:25,562
I don't know.
Okay, get it in, get it in.
229
00:09:25,687 --> 00:09:26,863
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
230
00:09:26,988 --> 00:09:28,535
- Come on.
- Oh, I forgot a swimsuit.
231
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:29,866
- We're not going anywhere!
- You're right, you're right,
232
00:09:29,991 --> 00:09:33,123
you're right, you're right.
233
00:09:36,731 --> 00:09:37,585
Uh, all right.
234
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:40,677
- Ah, got my bag.
- So, yeah...
235
00:09:40,802 --> 00:09:42,799
Tickets.
Okay, bye!
236
00:09:42,965 --> 00:09:44,714
- Oh!
- Okay, thank you.
237
00:09:44,839 --> 00:09:45,849
Careful on that boat.
238
00:09:45,974 --> 00:09:47,133
I don't wanna be reading about you.
239
00:09:47,258 --> 00:09:48,518
- Okay.
- Alex!
240
00:09:49,847 --> 00:09:54,257
- Okay. Tickets...
- Oh.
241
00:09:54,382 --> 00:09:58,523
- Ah... uh...
- Good, good...
242
00:09:58,689 --> 00:10:00,567
I'm sorry, you need help
with the bags.
243
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:01,731
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
244
00:10:01,856 --> 00:10:02,944
You... dad... you can just
take off whenever.
245
00:10:03,110 --> 00:10:04,901
No, no. You should check
the bags curbside.
246
00:10:05,026 --> 00:10:05,905
- No, we don't...
- I'll find a guy.
247
00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:08,408
- No, no.
- This is ridiculous.
248
00:10:08,574 --> 00:10:10,407
You know, a cab home's
gonna cost, like, 80 bucks.
249
00:10:10,532 --> 00:10:11,774
This is my man Ronald.
250
00:10:11,899 --> 00:10:14,330
He'll take good care of you.
We both went to Loyola.
251
00:10:14,496 --> 00:10:16,499
The one in California, if he asks.
252
00:10:16,665 --> 00:10:17,847
Merry Christmas, folks.
Can I take your bags?
253
00:10:17,972 --> 00:10:19,616
No. No, no, no, sorry.
Um, just gimme a second
254
00:10:19,741 --> 00:10:20,783
to say goodbye to my dad, Ronald.
255
00:10:20,908 --> 00:10:23,520
Yeah, jeez, let her say bye
to her dad, Ron.
256
00:10:23,645 --> 00:10:27,123
- Ron? I...
- Yeah.
257
00:10:27,248 --> 00:10:28,636
Hey, have a great time, you two.
258
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,764
Bye, dad.
259
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:34,431
It was really good to see you.
260
00:10:34,556 --> 00:10:36,019
Merry Christmas.
261
00:10:36,185 --> 00:10:38,063
And you too, bug.
262
00:10:38,229 --> 00:10:40,070
Well, time for me to take my chariot
263
00:10:40,195 --> 00:10:41,691
back to the four seasons.
264
00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:45,275
Nothing like spending Christmas
in a five-star hotel.
265
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:49,407
♪ It came upon a midnight clear ♪
266
00:10:49,573 --> 00:10:52,660
He's not really staying
at the four seasons, is he?
267
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,829
Now you're catching on.
268
00:10:57,078 --> 00:10:59,389
- Are you guys ready?
- Yeah.
269
00:10:59,514 --> 00:11:02,962
Three, two, one.
270
00:11:03,128 --> 00:11:05,428
- Ah!
- Yay, all right.
271
00:11:05,553 --> 00:11:07,133
Okay.
272
00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,434
Oh, my God, Alex.
Look at this.
273
00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:14,437
What I found with the DVDs.
274
00:11:14,562 --> 00:11:16,072
"Bug, here's hoping that this year
275
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,557
"we can have the best Christmas ever.
276
00:11:17,682 --> 00:11:20,894
There's no place
I'd rather be. Love, dad."
277
00:11:21,019 --> 00:11:22,979
Oh, God. At least
my Mom is with her sisters.
278
00:11:23,104 --> 00:11:25,649
My dad is all alone on Christmas.
279
00:11:25,774 --> 00:11:28,876
Look at the stationary.
280
00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:31,533
"Big six hotel and liquor mart."
281
00:11:31,699 --> 00:11:32,906
If he's at that place,
and he's got ten bucks,
282
00:11:33,031 --> 00:11:33,993
he's not alone.
283
00:11:39,164 --> 00:11:41,501
Ugh.
284
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,249
If these walls could talk,
285
00:11:43,374 --> 00:11:46,219
they'd have a woman's voice
and an Adam's apple.
286
00:11:46,344 --> 00:11:47,721
Well, what's your Mom
gonna say when she finds out
287
00:11:47,846 --> 00:11:49,389
- you saw your dad on Christmas?
- Oh, she'll never find out.
288
00:11:49,514 --> 00:11:50,635
They hate each other.
They only speak
289
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:52,387
when there's a lawyer present.
290
00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,728
Man, it's a miracle that
one of these rooms
291
00:11:54,853 --> 00:11:55,849
isn't your office.
292
00:11:57,806 --> 00:11:58,685
Whitney!
293
00:12:00,394 --> 00:12:02,051
It's not what you think.
294
00:12:02,176 --> 00:12:04,554
Candi, don't freak out,
295
00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:05,942
but I think...
296
00:12:06,108 --> 00:12:07,819
Yep, the condom broke.
297
00:12:12,772 --> 00:12:15,285
I can't believe this...
What is this? Is this happening?
298
00:12:15,451 --> 00:12:16,411
Is this happening?
299
00:12:16,577 --> 00:12:18,538
Nothing is happening.
300
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,623
Hey, Vince, you should
button up your boxers, dude.
301
00:12:20,789 --> 00:12:22,292
- Thank you.
- Okay.
302
00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:23,350
You guys don't speak.
303
00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:24,652
You haven't talked since graduation.
304
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:25,920
You guys hate each other.
305
00:12:26,086 --> 00:12:27,755
Yeah, well, we still hate each other.
306
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:30,090
Honey, this was just
a one-time thing.
307
00:12:30,215 --> 00:12:31,659
And we don't talk.
308
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:34,929
There was no talking
going on in there.
309
00:12:35,095 --> 00:12:37,098
And, I'm sorry, but aren't you two
310
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:39,517
supposed to be on a Mexican cruise?
311
00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:41,936
Okay, your thing is much worse
than our thing.
312
00:12:42,102 --> 00:12:44,939
Oh, both things are fine.
Everything's fine.
313
00:12:45,105 --> 00:12:46,106
I cannot believe this.
314
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:48,125
I cannot believe that
you guys are actually
315
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:51,279
more messed up and dishonest
than I thought you were.
316
00:12:51,445 --> 00:12:53,280
I am such an idiot for thinking
317
00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:55,325
that you guys weren't
gonna ruin my Christmas.
318
00:12:55,491 --> 00:12:56,659
Hey, you lied too.
319
00:12:56,825 --> 00:12:59,078
I learned from the best.
320
00:13:01,288 --> 00:13:04,375
Alex, wait a minute.
321
00:13:04,541 --> 00:13:06,711
Did you have a chance
to take a look at those DVDs?
322
00:13:10,105 --> 00:13:11,332
Hey, did you find your dad?
323
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,342
Yeah.
324
00:13:12,508 --> 00:13:14,602
He was inside my Mom.
325
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,429
I thought they couldn't
stand each other.
326
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:18,472
You and me both.
I apparently don't know
327
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:20,558
what's true anymore.
And I'm sorry, you guys.
328
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:21,909
I'm not gonna be much of a hostess.
329
00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:22,910
You don't have to sit around
330
00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:25,271
- and listen to this.
- Hey.
331
00:13:25,437 --> 00:13:26,648
Nobody's going anywhere.
332
00:13:26,814 --> 00:13:28,483
Yeah, Whit.
333
00:13:28,649 --> 00:13:30,652
Everybody fights with
their family on Christmas.
334
00:13:30,818 --> 00:13:31,986
Why do you think we're all here?
335
00:13:32,152 --> 00:13:34,239
But...
336
00:13:34,405 --> 00:13:35,949
It's not just the fighting,
337
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,092
it is the constant lying,
338
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:40,367
and I am just as bad as they are.
339
00:13:40,911 --> 00:13:43,597
I realize that my family's
Christmas tradition
340
00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:44,832
is dishonesty.
341
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,543
Well.
342
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:48,835
Our families aren't here now.
343
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,089
So... what do you wanna do?
344
00:13:51,255 --> 00:13:54,259
Yeah, we can start
our own traditions.
345
00:13:54,425 --> 00:13:56,261
Okay.
346
00:13:56,427 --> 00:13:58,312
Okay, okay.
347
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:00,890
The Christmas tradition
that I wanna start is that
348
00:14:01,056 --> 00:14:03,567
everybody tells the truth,
and that's it.
349
00:14:03,692 --> 00:14:05,369
And we're all just gonna go around,
350
00:14:05,494 --> 00:14:08,648
it's probably gonna get real.
351
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:09,941
Who's first?
352
00:14:10,107 --> 00:14:12,443
Mark.
353
00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:18,299
I journal.
354
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:22,202
Every night.
355
00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:24,622
Sometimes in the morning,
when my dreams are really vivid.
356
00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:29,919
Oh, my God, does that
feel good to say. Whoo!
357
00:14:30,085 --> 00:14:31,412
Good, mark.
Thank you.
358
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:32,505
Thank you.
Who's next?
359
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:33,756
- Lily.
- Okay...
360
00:14:33,922 --> 00:14:36,175
I'd like to go again, actually.
361
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:38,819
When I was ten years old,
362
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,056
I got paid $20 to...
363
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:46,144
Touch tips with Randy Lucas.
364
00:14:52,357 --> 00:14:53,276
Go ahead, lily.
365
00:14:53,442 --> 00:14:57,371
Mine is that it bothers me
366
00:14:57,496 --> 00:15:00,867
that you always shower
right after we have sex, so...
367
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:03,844
Mine is that
it makes me uncomfortable
368
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:07,040
when you talk about our sex life
with our friends. Roxanne?
369
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:10,017
Uh... uh, yeah, okay.
370
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,836
Um, well, mine is about Lance.
371
00:15:12,002 --> 00:15:15,472
And, yes, he cheated on me.
372
00:15:15,597 --> 00:15:16,507
In my own house.
373
00:15:16,673 --> 00:15:17,925
In my own bed.
374
00:15:18,091 --> 00:15:20,637
On my own boogie board, but...
375
00:15:20,803 --> 00:15:23,264
With a little sober clarity,
I can admit that
376
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:25,475
I pushed him away
long before that, so I...
377
00:15:25,641 --> 00:15:28,561
Kind of need to take
responsibility for that.
378
00:15:30,687 --> 00:15:33,274
Why do you need a boogie board?
379
00:15:42,032 --> 00:15:44,327
Come on. You're breaking
into my house?
380
00:15:44,493 --> 00:15:46,920
I'm sorry,
what are you guys here for?
381
00:15:47,045 --> 00:15:50,541
Do you need a morning-after pill?
382
00:15:50,707 --> 00:15:53,336
No, but if you have
any penicillin, I'll take it.
383
00:15:54,545 --> 00:15:55,663
Hey, I'm Vince.
384
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,632
I understand we're both
in the finance game,
385
00:15:57,798 --> 00:15:59,300
and I'm also 1/8th Indian.
386
00:15:59,466 --> 00:16:01,928
Dad, stop...
387
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,570
With the lies, okay?
388
00:16:03,695 --> 00:16:05,138
We just started a Christmas tradition
389
00:16:05,263 --> 00:16:06,849
where we're all telling the truth,
390
00:16:07,015 --> 00:16:09,877
and I'm next, so...
391
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:12,212
I lied to you guys
about going on that cruise
392
00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:14,048
because you guys have ruined
every Christmas
393
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:15,441
- that I've ever had.
- What are you talk...
394
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:18,118
We had the most
wonderful Christmases.
395
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:20,003
The house would be filled with music,
396
00:16:20,128 --> 00:16:22,281
- and dear friends dropped over.
- Mom.
397
00:16:22,447 --> 00:16:24,007
You would get drunk and sing,
398
00:16:24,132 --> 00:16:27,578
and the repo man was not our friend.
399
00:16:27,744 --> 00:16:30,864
Jerry was a nice man
400
00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:33,626
with a thankless job.
401
00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,670
Dad, you can't even
remember things honestly.
402
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:39,273
I am trying to break the cycle, okay?
403
00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:41,842
Another truth? I was on ecstasy
at your third wedding.
404
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,867
That's why I was sitting
on all those balloons.
405
00:16:45,554 --> 00:16:46,714
Well, that answers a lot of questions
406
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,767
I had about your toast.
407
00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:52,453
All right.
What about you two?
408
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:53,896
Do you have anything you wanna share?
409
00:16:54,062 --> 00:16:57,624
- No.
- I don't have anything.
410
00:16:57,749 --> 00:16:59,860
But I bet he does.
411
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:03,297
Uh, ooh, I'm racking my brain.
412
00:17:03,422 --> 00:17:07,743
Yo tengo nada.
413
00:17:10,078 --> 00:17:11,572
All right, you know what?
Then I'll go.
414
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:15,726
Uh... two years ago,
after I met you two,
415
00:17:15,851 --> 00:17:17,728
I almost broke up with Whitney.
416
00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:20,339
- What?
- Yeah, look, a lot of girls
417
00:17:20,505 --> 00:17:22,300
from messed-up families
are messed up too.
418
00:17:22,466 --> 00:17:25,886
And when I first saw
how dishonest your family was,
419
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:28,071
I almost bailed,
420
00:17:28,196 --> 00:17:30,290
and that would've sucked because...
421
00:17:30,415 --> 00:17:31,601
You're a really good person.
422
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:33,393
Well, of course she's a good person.
423
00:17:33,518 --> 00:17:34,854
She's my daughter.
424
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:36,029
Okay, I got one.
425
00:17:36,154 --> 00:17:38,566
Your mother and I have
secret sex every Christmas.
426
00:17:40,943 --> 00:17:42,436
Vince.
427
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,505
Well, it's the one time
of year we get along.
428
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,616
I mean, we just slipped
back into it a few years back.
429
00:17:46,782 --> 00:17:48,675
Okay, you guys never
got along on Christmas.
430
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,511
You guys would lock
yourselves into a room,
431
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:51,929
and yell and scream at each other,
432
00:17:52,054 --> 00:17:56,918
and you'd pound on the walls...
Oh, ew, ew, gross!
433
00:17:57,084 --> 00:18:00,254
Oh, we loved Christmas, bug,
434
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:03,591
because even when we knew
we were bombing as parents,
435
00:18:03,757 --> 00:18:06,160
there'd be a point
when we'd look over there
436
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:10,223
and we'd see you
playing with your Barbies...
437
00:18:12,307 --> 00:18:15,953
And we'd think, there's
the one great thing
438
00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:17,146
we ever did together.
439
00:18:18,647 --> 00:18:19,774
And that's the truth.
440
00:18:19,940 --> 00:18:23,544
You guys are gonna make me cry.
441
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:26,046
And we try to recapture
that feeling once a year
442
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,157
with keep-your-shirts-on sex.
443
00:18:28,323 --> 00:18:29,473
Ew. Come on!
444
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,786
- Oh.
- Bye.
445
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:34,622
Thanks for having us, bug.
446
00:18:34,788 --> 00:18:35,873
I hope we didn't
ruin another Christmas.
447
00:18:36,039 --> 00:18:37,474
No, God, I love you guys.
448
00:18:37,599 --> 00:18:40,761
But in the future, I am not
tolerating any more lies,
449
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:44,257
I'm serious. What?
450
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:47,927
Your cat didn't run away,
I hit it with my car.
451
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:52,056
But we buried her in the backyard.
452
00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:55,268
And that's why all those
weird mushrooms sprouted up.
453
00:18:56,727 --> 00:19:00,781
I forgot to mail three
of your college applications.
454
00:19:00,906 --> 00:19:02,692
And we weren't married
when you were born.
455
00:19:02,858 --> 00:19:05,452
Okay, you know what?
I'm good. I'm good.
456
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:07,671
Thanks, guys.
Love you, love you.
457
00:19:07,796 --> 00:19:09,456
Hey, how 'bout a ride
back to the hotel?
458
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:11,492
Oh, get a cab.
459
00:19:13,243 --> 00:19:16,763
- Honey, it's okay.
- Mm, what?
460
00:19:16,888 --> 00:19:17,764
- It's okay.
- All right.
461
00:19:17,889 --> 00:19:20,918
You're still a man.
462
00:19:21,084 --> 00:19:25,089
It... it got bigger, I swear.
463
00:19:25,255 --> 00:19:26,056
I'm sorry we didn't get
464
00:19:26,181 --> 00:19:27,925
to have our family-free Christmas.
465
00:19:28,091 --> 00:19:31,228
Oh, well, you know, the truth is,
466
00:19:31,353 --> 00:19:33,814
we'll never have
family-free Christmas.
467
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:35,057
We're family now.
468
00:19:35,223 --> 00:19:37,441
We are.
469
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:43,457
Oh, hey, and also, uh...
470
00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:45,985
Can I have one more turn
at the honesty thing?
471
00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:47,361
Sure.
472
00:19:47,527 --> 00:19:50,864
Okay, um...
473
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:52,198
Well, remember how I told you
474
00:19:52,323 --> 00:19:55,035
I loved you for the first time,
uh, after six months?
475
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,330
Uh, actually I told you
for the first time
476
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,840
after six weeks,
you just didn't hear it
477
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:02,126
because you were asleep.
478
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:11,275
I broke your iPad.
479
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,181
And I wasn't asleep.
480
00:20:22,357 --> 00:20:24,817
I told you this DVD
would change your life, buddy.
481
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,996
I... am speechless.
482
00:20:27,121 --> 00:20:29,378
I am... without speech.
483
00:20:29,503 --> 00:20:30,679
Yes, you do.
Quick question.
484
00:20:30,845 --> 00:20:32,909
What is the strongest structure
on earth, mark?
485
00:20:33,034 --> 00:20:34,163
The human span.
486
00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:35,593
No.
487
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,687
Friendship.
488
00:20:38,514 --> 00:20:41,260
So all you have to do
is find 10 friends
489
00:20:41,385 --> 00:20:44,069
who'll sell these vitamins.
It's guaranteed profit.
490
00:20:44,194 --> 00:20:47,022
And all you want is four hundred
and fifty dollars cash?
491
00:20:48,037 --> 00:20:50,615
- And I can retire in three years?
- Yeah.
492
00:20:50,781 --> 00:20:53,692
Hey, I've been retired for ten!
493
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:59,704
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