1 00:00:03,536 --> 00:00:04,628 Okay, so, Dad, 2 00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:07,400 so, uh, if you're going on a cruise to Mexico on Christmas, 3 00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:09,601 then there's really no reason for me to go to New Jersey, right? 4 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,303 Ah, yes. 5 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,538 No, I'm really disappointed. Yeah, yeah. Great. 6 00:00:17,617 --> 00:00:19,642 Uh, okay. Safe trip. Bye. 7 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,118 (SlGHS) Get up. I want to jump on the bed. 8 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,588 (CHUCKLES) 9 00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:32,095 You are so lucky. 10 00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:34,496 I know. I get to play hooky on Christmas 11 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,229 and I get to hang out with you. 12 00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:38,937 You mean go with me to Glenview 13 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:40,836 to see my mom and weird-ass aunts? 14 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,270 Oh. 15 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,241 Do we really have to do that? 16 00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:50,509 Didn't last year, your Aunt Nancy hit your Aunt Becky 17 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,517 in the face with a ham? 18 00:00:52,685 --> 00:00:54,550 Actually, it was a fist. 19 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:57,522 Um, Christmases in my family have always been terrible. 20 00:00:57,590 --> 00:00:58,716 I remember growing up, 21 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,851 my parents would go into a room and fight with each other 22 00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,189 and I'd be in my own little world, 23 00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:04,287 rubbing Ken and Barbie's smooth parts together. 24 00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:09,001 You know, you deserve a good Christmas. 25 00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:10,893 Hey, we should just have our own. 26 00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:12,900 Oh, I'd love that. 27 00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,866 Yeah, no fighting. No family. 28 00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:16,704 And we could invite all our friends over. 29 00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:20,109 All we have to do is get out of going to see your mom. 30 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,205 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can make up an excuse. 31 00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:25,183 I do it all the time to get out of jury duty. 32 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:26,680 I don't know if we'll get out of Christmas 33 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,153 by telling her you're a racist. 34 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:34,485 WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience. 35 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:35,493 You heard me. 36 00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:37,390 (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) 37 00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:40,557 Hi, Mom! (SlGHS) Hi, honey. Oh! 38 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,092 Did you get some new clothes? 39 00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:43,897 Uh, no, I didn't. 40 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:45,597 Why not? (SlGHS) 41 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,273 Hi, Alex. 44 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,646 You know, it must be these illegal diet drugs I've been taking. 45 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:59,284 I guess the government just doesn't want me to look this good. 46 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,918 So, have you talked to your father and his child bride lately? 47 00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:05,685 (SlGHS) Uh, Mom, she's 49. 48 00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:08,090 Parts of her are much younger. 49 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:11,563 Um, Mom, I actually have to tell you something. 50 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,065 I'm not going to be able to come to Glenview for Christmas. 51 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,658 What? Why not? 52 00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:18,169 I know. We're going on a cruise with Alex's parents. 53 00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,229 Oh, no. I'm sorry. Yeah. 54 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,808 Yeah. And we're going to wear so much sunscreen, 55 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,743 so we won't be tan at all when we get back. 56 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:29,380 And I have been packing all morning. 57 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:30,939 Look. (SlGHS) 58 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,880 Wow! Mexico. Yeah. 59 00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:34,749 I mean, who could blame you? 60 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,119 Remind me to give you a list for the farmacia. 61 00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:38,817 (CLlCKS TONGUE) 62 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,717 But, Mom, we'll still celebrate Christmas. 63 00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,192 We'll take you to dinner tonight. 64 00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:43,786 I'm hungry now. 65 00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,732 Do you have any Baileys? 66 00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:50,592 Where did the suitcase come from? 67 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,831 Oh. Uh, don't take this the wrong way, 68 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,204 but I always have a bag packed. 69 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,411 Listen, picking out a tree is like picking out a lady. 70 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,712 She's probably only going to be around for two and a half weeks, 71 00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:07,116 so don't spend too much on her. 72 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,446 Oh, thank God. I thought he was going to say, 73 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,819 "Leave her on the curb and wait for the city to pick her up." 74 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,688 I think this is going to be the best Christmas ever. 75 00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:16,285 Then again, the bar is pretty low. 76 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:17,693 You know, I was raised by atheists 77 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,891 and I'm engaged to a Hindu. 78 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,629 Okay. After this, we have to get stuff for Christmas dinner. 79 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,135 So, Lily, you're cooking. Yeah. 80 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,501 Roxanne, you're in charge of alcohol. 81 00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:28,666 Oh, actually, I am taking a little time-out 82 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,265 from drinking. Oh. 83 00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:33,369 I'm just not handling my first post-divorce Christmas that well. 84 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:35,778 I drunk-dialed Lance last night. 85 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,248 Oh. Yeah, yeah. 86 00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:39,546 I told him that I hate him 87 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,314 and that I still have sex dreams about him. 88 00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:43,116 So, it was confusing for both of us. 89 00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:46,550 Well, anyway, I think it's a good time 90 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,685 that I get a handle on the drinking. Mmm-hmm. 91 00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:49,921 I went into Barry's Liquors the other day 92 00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:52,260 and they just gave me a free tank top. 93 00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:58,433 Oh, my God. I'm going to have at least one sober adult around me on Christmas. 94 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:03,064 It took 20 years but Santa finally answered my letter. 95 00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,448 I'm so glad I'm not with my mom. 96 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:14,145 She never used to let me eat cookie dough. 97 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:18,054 Well, she's not here, so Merry Christmas and happy salmonella. 98 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,825 Yeah. (CHUCKLES) 99 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:27,397 So, here's a new twist on old traditions, starting with a cocktail. 100 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,901 This is a Bloody Mary eggnog. 101 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:31,959 A blood nog. 102 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:36,540 Huh. Okay. Mmm-hmm. Happy birthday, Jesus. 103 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:39,240 These lights are like seaweed. 104 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:43,048 Stop pulling. Just stop pulling. Stop pulling. 105 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,447 I'm not pulling. 106 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:47,616 How's it going? 107 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:50,349 Good. Hey, Whit, thank you for having us over. 108 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:51,515 I've never done this before. 109 00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:53,252 The only holiday tradition we had in my town 110 00:04:53,326 --> 00:04:57,023 was called, "Ding-dong, let's throw rocks at the brown kid." 111 00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:58,657 Uh, Roxanne ROXANNE: Hmm. 112 00:04:58,731 --> 00:05:01,564 A virgin blood nog for you, my dear. 113 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,158 Thank you. Yeah. 114 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,863 Yeah, this sobriety thing is not that hard. 115 00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:05,961 I feel great. 116 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,473 This morning, I woke up in the same room I fell asleep in. 117 00:05:08,841 --> 00:05:09,967 Wow. 118 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,012 And look. I put eyeliner on both eyes. 119 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,107 Roxanne, this ornament is cool. 120 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:18,514 Oh, yeah. Lance gave me that a couple of years ago 121 00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:21,075 before he stabbed me in the heart. 122 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,952 That was back when we were happy, you know. 123 00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:27,686 And we believed in little things like ornaments and love. 124 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,586 And the future. 125 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,458 Hey, let's go scream in the elevator. 126 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,290 LlLY: Honey? 127 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,272 Oh, my God. Do you hear that? What? 128 00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:43,565 No fighting. No yelling. 129 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,477 This is the best Christmas ever. 130 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,438 Oh, serious question, though. Hmm? 131 00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:51,108 How awesome do I look in these? 132 00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:57,950 (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) 133 00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,586 That was fast. (CLEARS THROAT) 134 00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:03,852 Merry Christmas! 135 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:05,690 Dad! 136 00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:10,025 Dad, it's so good to see you. 137 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,764 I just wish I had known you were coming. 138 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:13,305 Oh, what fun would that be? 139 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,171 And you know how I am. I'm here, I'm there. 140 00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:18,267 You never know exactly where I'm going to be. 141 00:06:18,344 --> 00:06:19,743 And it's Christmas. 142 00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:21,939 Ah. No call (SNAPS FlNGERS) or email? 143 00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:24,107 Oh, voicemails, emails, Facebook. 144 00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:27,209 Technology is killing our ability to really connect with each other. 145 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,516 Dad, you know Alex started an lnternet company. 146 00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:31,989 But it also brings us together. 147 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,320 Alex. 148 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,382 Hey. 149 00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:38,362 The place still looks great. 150 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:40,126 Ah, you've never been here. 151 00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:41,359 What? 152 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,062 I was just here last month. 153 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,695 No, I saw you a year ago. 154 00:06:45,772 --> 00:06:48,263 I think we spent, like, 10 minutes together in an airport Cinnabon. 155 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,501 Oh. 156 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,141 Yeah, it was when you bought me that Playboy 157 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:52,643 Iike it was a normal thing to do. 158 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,378 Uh, why aren't you spending Christmas with Dina? 159 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,340 Now, the real question is why aren't we dancing? 160 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,613 Dancing! 161 00:07:00,686 --> 00:07:02,517 (SlNGlNG) Dancing through the snow 162 00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:04,818 In a one-horse open sleigh Okay, oh, God. Yeah. 163 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,553 "You look beautiful," said the tree to the apple. 164 00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:10,596 Oh. Uh, you did not answer my question. 165 00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:12,096 Did you start dyeing your hair? 166 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,928 I didn't. Oh. 167 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,628 I found this amazing herb in lndonesia. 168 00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:20,270 It returns your hair to its natural color. 169 00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:22,133 Here. 170 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:26,472 I picked this up for you in Jakarta. 171 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,139 Ooh. 172 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,506 Wow. 173 00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:32,977 The tag says "Cost Plus." 174 00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:39,582 Yep. Cost Plus Jakarta. 175 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,860 I have to hit the bathroom. 176 00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:47,064 (SlNGlNG) O, come all ye faithful 177 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,931 Joyful and triumphant O, come... 178 00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,526 (DOOR CLOSlNG) God, this is not good. 179 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:53,697 We have got to get him out of here. He will ruin this. 180 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,270 Oh, man. We were so close to not having family. 181 00:07:56,342 --> 00:07:58,401 No, no, no. We've got to just stick to our thing. 182 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,742 We are fake going on a real cruise. 183 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,843 But he just flew here from lndonesia. 184 00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:06,078 No, he didn't. He flew here from Phoenix. 185 00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:07,379 Nothing he says is true. 186 00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:10,047 He just says whatever he thinks will make people like him. 187 00:08:10,122 --> 00:08:13,091 Oh, yeah, that must have skipped a generation. 188 00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:17,285 Such a treat to use an American toilet again. 189 00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:20,297 So. Now, for your real present. 190 00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:22,857 Alex, I hope you're ready to make a lot of money 191 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:26,564 because this right here is the best growth opportunity in the vitamin world 192 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:28,038 since Ginkgo Biloba. 193 00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:31,975 Imagine. A vitamin that can keep you up for two days. 194 00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:34,843 And all you have to do is snort it. 195 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:37,610 And all I need from you is a valid credit card. 196 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:38,843 Oh, Dad. 197 00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,044 Oh, you know what? 198 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,644 Dad, we are going to be late for our flight. 199 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,189 Your flight? Yeah. 200 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,349 But where are you going? 201 00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:47,187 Oh, we're going on a cruise, uh, with my parents. 202 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,420 It's an established thing. Oh. 203 00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:50,257 You can ask anybody. 204 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,396 Our flight leaves in, like, an hour. 205 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,727 Oh, oh. No, no, no, no. 206 00:08:53,799 --> 00:08:55,528 Hey, I dropped in unannounced. 207 00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,193 I'll take you to the airport. 208 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,363 Oh, no, no, no. No. No, we'll just take a cab. 209 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:00,700 Well, you'll never make it on time. 210 00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,070 Alex, where's your suitcase? 211 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:04,609 Come on, man! We've got to move! 212 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:11,609 Yeah. 213 00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:14,083 (HUMMlNG) 214 00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:17,746 What are you doing? Why are you folding? Folding... 215 00:09:17,823 --> 00:09:19,518 Okay. Just put it in there! 216 00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:21,822 Hey, it's got to be more full. 217 00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:25,023 Come on. Just jam it in there. 218 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,823 I don't know. Okay, get it in. Get it in. 219 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,458 Come on. Come on, come on, come on. 220 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:30,763 Come on. Oh, I forgot a swimsuit. 221 00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:31,860 We're not going anywhere! 222 00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:33,701 You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. 223 00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:40,236 All right. 224 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,372 (SlGHS) Got my bag. 225 00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,182 Yeah. Tickets. 226 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,117 Okay, bye. Thank you. Oh, okay. 227 00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:49,211 Careful on that boat. I don't want to be reading about you. 228 00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:50,687 Okay. Alex. 229 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,223 (LAUGHS) 230 00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:53,417 Okay. 231 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:55,659 Uh. 232 00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:57,792 (SlGHS) 233 00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,322 Okay. Good. 234 00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:00,729 Good. Good. 235 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,927 Oh, I'm sorry. You need help with the bags. 236 00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:04,663 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Yeah. 237 00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:06,034 Dad, you just take off whenever. 238 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,197 No, no. You should check your bags curbside. 239 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,673 I'll go find a guy. We got it. No. No. 240 00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,232 This is ridiculous. You know a cab home 241 00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:12,538 is going to cost, like, 80 bucks? 242 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,172 This is my man, Ronald. He'll take good care of you. 243 00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:16,805 We both went to Loyola. 244 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,543 The one in California, if he asks. 245 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,051 Merry Christmas, folks. Can I take your bags? 246 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,108 No, no, no, no, sorry. 247 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,087 Um, just give me a second to say goodbye to my dad, Ronald. 248 00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,851 Yeah, jeez. Let her say bye to her dad, Ron. 249 00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:27,222 Ron? I... 250 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,726 Yeah. Okay. 251 00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,053 Have a great time, you two. 252 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:32,791 Bye, Dad. (LAUGHS) 253 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,463 It was really good to see you. 254 00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:38,361 Merry Christmas. 255 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,366 And you, too, bug. 256 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:43,999 Well, time for me to take my chariot back to the Four Seasons. 257 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:47,568 Nothing like spending Christmas in a five-star hotel. 258 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:51,378 (SlNGlNG) It came upon a midnight clear 259 00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:55,382 He's not really staying at the Four Seasons, is he? 260 00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:57,081 Now you're catching on. 261 00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:00,484 Are you guys ready? 262 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:01,719 ALL: (CHEERlNG) Yeah. 263 00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:04,627 ALL: Three, two, one! 264 00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,790 ALL: Ah... 265 00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:09,232 All right. Okay. 266 00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,705 Oh, my God, Alex, look at this. 267 00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:16,674 What I found with the DVDs. (SlGHS) 268 00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:18,403 (READlNG) "Bug, here's hoping that this year, 269 00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:19,967 "we can have the best Christmas ever. 270 00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:22,981 "There's no place I'd rather be. Love, Dad." 271 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,215 Oh, God. At least my mom is with her sisters. 272 00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,616 My dad is all alone on Christmas. 273 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:29,753 Look at the stationery. 274 00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:33,623 Big Six Hotel and Liquor Mart. 275 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:37,656 If he's at that place and he's got 10 bucks, he's not alone. 276 00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,733 If these walls could talk, they would have a woman's voice 277 00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:48,569 and an Adam's apple. 278 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:49,733 So, what's your mom going to say 279 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,003 when she finds out you saw your dad on Christmas? 280 00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:52,510 Oh, she'll never find out. They hate each other. 281 00:11:52,578 --> 00:11:54,136 They only speak when there's a lawyer present. 282 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,510 (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) 283 00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:58,175 It's a miracle that one of these rooms isn't your office. 284 00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:01,681 (GASPS) Whitney! 285 00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:04,245 (STUTTERS) It's not what you think. 286 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:08,416 VlNCE: Candi. Don't freak out, but I think... 287 00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:10,155 Yep, the condom broke. 288 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,027 I can't believe this. What is this? 289 00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:19,833 Is this happening? Is this happening? 290 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:22,169 Nothing is happening. 291 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,801 Hey, Vince. You should button up your boxers, dude. 292 00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:27,077 (MOUTHlNG) Okay, you guys don't speak. 293 00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:28,408 You haven't talked since graduation. 294 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,675 You guys hate each other. 295 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,512 Yeah, well, we still hate each other. 296 00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,849 Honey, this was just a one-time thing. 297 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,386 And we don't talk. 298 00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:38,082 There was no talking going on in there. 299 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:41,324 And I'm sorry, but aren't you two 300 00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:43,327 supposed to be on a Mexican cruise? 301 00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:45,590 Okay, your thing is much worse than our thing. 302 00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:47,393 Ah! Oh, both things are fine. 303 00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:48,660 Everything's fine. 304 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:49,860 I cannot believe this. 305 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:53,336 I cannot believe that you guys are actually more messed up 306 00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:55,202 and dishonest than I thought you were. 307 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,037 I am such an idiot for thinking 308 00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:58,940 that you guys weren't going to ruin my Christmas. 309 00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:00,342 Hey, you lied, too. 310 00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:02,346 I learned from the best. 311 00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,212 Alex, wait a minute. 312 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,482 Did you have a chance to take a look at those DVDs? 313 00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:15,350 Hey, did you find your dad? 314 00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:17,918 Yeah, he was inside my mom. 315 00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:20,164 I thought they couldn't stand each other. 316 00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:23,224 You and me both. I apparently don't know what's true anymore. 317 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:25,768 And I'm sorry, you guys. I'm not going to be much of a hostess. 318 00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:28,363 You don't have to sit around and listen to this. 319 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,374 Hey, nobody's going anywhere. 320 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:34,505 Yeah. Whit, everybody fights with their family on Christmas. 321 00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:35,706 Why do you think we're all here? 322 00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:39,615 But it's not just the fighting. 323 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,778 It is the constant lying. 324 00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,219 And I am just as bad as they are. 325 00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:48,558 I realized that my family's Christmas tradition is dishonesty. 326 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,627 Well, our families aren't here now. 327 00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,893 So, what do you want to do? 328 00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,795 Yeah, we can start our own traditions. 329 00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,899 Okay. Okay. Okay. 330 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,233 The Christmas tradition that I want to start 331 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,835 is that everybody tells the truth. 332 00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:09,278 And that's it. And we're all just going to go around. 333 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:10,372 It's probably going to get real. 334 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:14,643 Who's first? 335 00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:16,143 Mark. 336 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,860 I journal. Every night. 337 00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:28,396 Sometimes in the morning when my dreams are really vivid. 338 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,704 Oh, my God, does that feel good to say. Whoo! 339 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,135 Good, Mark. Thank you. 340 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,936 Thank you. Who's next? Lily. 341 00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:40,001 Okay. Um, okay. I'd like to go again, actually. 342 00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:44,080 When I was 10 years old, I got paid $20 343 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:48,313 to touch tips with Randy Lucas. 344 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:51,378 (MlMlCS EXPLOSlON) 345 00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:57,019 Go ahead, Lily. 346 00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:01,166 Mine is that it bothers me 347 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:04,566 that you always shower right after we have sex. So. 348 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:07,696 Mine is that it makes me uncomfortable 349 00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:10,071 when you talk about our sex life with our friends. 350 00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,905 Roxanne? 351 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,740 Uh... Uh, yeah. Okay. 352 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:16,042 Um, well, mine is about Lance. 353 00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:19,207 And yes, he cheated on me. 354 00:15:19,285 --> 00:15:21,685 In my own house. In my own bed. 355 00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,945 On my own boogie board. 356 00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,048 But with a little sober clarity, 357 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,525 I can admit that I pushed him away long before that. 358 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,825 So, I kind of need to take responsibility for that. 359 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,999 Why do you need a boogie board? 360 00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,869 (DOOR KNOB RATTLlNG) 361 00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:48,111 Come on. You're breaking in to my house? 362 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,676 I'm sorry. What are you guys here for? 363 00:15:50,749 --> 00:15:53,047 Do you need a morning-after pill? 364 00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,987 No, but if you have any penicillin, I'll take it. 365 00:15:58,457 --> 00:15:59,515 Hey, I'm Vince. 366 00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:01,388 I understand we're both in the finance game. 367 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,451 And I'm also one-eighth lndian. 368 00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:07,027 Dad, stop with the lies, okay? 369 00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:09,061 We just started a Christmas tradition 370 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,694 where we're all telling the truth. And I'm next. 371 00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:16,036 So I lied to you guys about going on that cruise 372 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,576 because you guys have ruined every Christmas that I've ever had. 373 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,841 What are you talking... We had the most wonderful Christmases. 374 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,814 The house would be filled with music 375 00:16:23,882 --> 00:16:25,747 and dear friends dropped over. 376 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,809 Mom, you would get drunk and sing. 377 00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:30,582 And the repo man was not our friend. 378 00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:36,092 Jerry was a nice man with a thankless job. 379 00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:40,422 Dad, you can't even remember things honestly. 380 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,399 I am trying to break the cycle. 381 00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:44,060 Okay? Another truth? 382 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:45,569 I was on ecstasy at your third wedding. 383 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,229 That's why I was sitting on all those balloons. 384 00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:49,001 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 385 00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:52,942 Well, that answers a lot of questions I had about your toast. 386 00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:56,237 All right, what about you two? 387 00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,646 Do you have anything you want to share? 388 00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:00,577 No. I don't have anything. 389 00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:03,116 But I bet he does. 390 00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:06,987 Ah, oh, I'm racking my brain. 391 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,960 Yo tengo nada. 392 00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:16,728 All right, you know what, then I'll go. 393 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,394 Uh, two years ago, after I met you two, 394 00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:21,496 I almost broke up with Whitney. 395 00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:22,801 What? 396 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,140 Yeah, look, a lot of girls from messed up families are messed up, too. 397 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:29,612 And when I first saw how dishonest your family was, 398 00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:31,342 I almost bailed. 399 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,909 And that would have sucked, 400 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,385 because you're a really good person. 401 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,656 Well, of course she's a good person. She's my daughter. 402 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,419 Okay, I got one. Your mother and l 403 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,824 have secret sex every Christmas. 404 00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:46,061 Vince. 405 00:17:46,298 --> 00:17:48,163 Well, it's the one time of year we get along. 406 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,394 And we just slipped back into it a few years back. 407 00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:52,369 Okay, you guys never got along on Christmas. 408 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,201 You guys would lock yourselves in a room 409 00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:55,706 and yell and scream at each other, 410 00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:56,900 and you'd pound on the walls. 411 00:17:56,975 --> 00:17:59,307 Oh, ew! Ew! Gross! 412 00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:01,640 Oh! 413 00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:04,708 We loved Christmas, bug, 414 00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:07,377 because even when we knew we were bombing as parents, 415 00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:11,082 there would be a point when we'd look over there and we'd see you 416 00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:13,991 playing with your Barbies, and... 417 00:18:16,228 --> 00:18:17,661 And we'd think, 418 00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:21,028 "There is the one great thing we ever did together." 419 00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:23,498 And that's the truth. 420 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,994 You guys are going to make me cry. 421 00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:31,538 Now, we try to recapture that feeling once a year with keep-your-shirts-on-sex. 422 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,544 Ew, come on. Come on. 423 00:18:35,347 --> 00:18:36,541 Oh. Bye. 424 00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,276 Thanks for having us, bug. 425 00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:39,544 I hope we didn't ruin another Christmas. 426 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,381 No, God. I love you guys. 427 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:44,422 But in the future, I am not tolerating any more lies. 428 00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:45,889 I'm serious. 429 00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,386 What? 430 00:18:49,528 --> 00:18:52,656 Your cat didn't run away. I hit it with my car. 431 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,834 But we buried her in the backyard. 432 00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:59,901 And that's why all those weird mushrooms sprouted up. 433 00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:03,871 I forgot to mail three of your college applications. 434 00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:06,635 And we weren't married when you were born. 435 00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,703 Okay, you know what? I'm good. 436 00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:09,804 I'm good. Thanks, guys. 437 00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,440 Love you. Love you. 438 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,178 VlNCE: Hey, how about a ride back to the hotel? 439 00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:15,117 CANDl: Oh, get a cab. 440 00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:20,048 Honey, it's okay. 441 00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:21,456 Oh. All right. All right. It's okay. 442 00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:22,858 You're still a man. 443 00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,353 (SlGHS) 444 00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:26,897 It got bigger. I swear. 445 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:28,398 (CHUCKLES) 446 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,663 I'm sorry we didn't get to have our family-free Christmas. 447 00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,931 Oh, well, you know, the truth is 448 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,532 we'll never have a family-free Christmas. 449 00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,236 We're family now. 450 00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:41,108 We are. 451 00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:47,251 Oh, hey. And also, uh... 452 00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,685 Can I have one more turn at the honesty thing? 453 00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:51,279 Sure. 454 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:52,721 Okay, um... 455 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,284 Well, remember how I told you I loved you 456 00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:58,795 for the first time, uh, after six months? 457 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,456 Uh, actually, I told you 458 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,090 for the first time after six weeks. 459 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:05,330 You just didn't hear it because you were asleep. 460 00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,002 (SlGHS) 461 00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,139 I broke your iPad. 462 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,945 And I wasn't asleep. 463 00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,088 (DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TV) 464 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:29,821 I told you this DVD would change your life, buddy. 465 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:34,059 I am speechless. I am without speech. 466 00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:35,224 Let me ask you a quick question. 467 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,791 What is the strongest structure on Earth, Mark? 468 00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,268 The human spine. 469 00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:40,464 No. 470 00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,396 Friendship. 471 00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,698 So, all you have to do 472 00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:47,438 is find 10 friends who will sell these vitamins. 473 00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:48,809 It's guaranteed profit. 474 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,542 And all you want is $450 cash. 475 00:20:52,851 --> 00:20:55,581 And I can retire in three years? (CHUCKLES) 476 00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:58,316 Hey, I've been retired for 10.