Okay, so, Dad,
so, uh, if you're going on a cruise to Mexico on Christmas,
then there's really no reason for me to go to New Jersey, right?
Ah, yes.
No, I'm really disappointed. Yeah, yeah. Great.
Uh, okay. Safe trip. Bye.
(SlGHS) Get up. I want to jump on the bed.
(CHUCKLES)
You are so lucky.
I know. I get to play hooky on Christmas
and I get to hang out with you.
You mean go with me to Glenview
to see my mom and weird-ass aunts?
Oh.
Do we really have to do that?
Didn't last year, your Aunt Nancy hit your Aunt Becky
in the face with a ham?
Actually, it was a fist.
Um, Christmases in my family have always been terrible.
I remember growing up,
my parents would go into a room and fight with each other
and I'd be in my own little world,
rubbing Ken and Barbie's smooth parts together.
You know, you deserve a good Christmas.
Hey, we should just have our own.
Oh, I'd love that.
Yeah, no fighting. No family.
And we could invite all our friends over.
All we have to do is get out of going to see your mom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can make up an excuse.
I do it all the time to get out of jury duty.
I don't know if we'll get out of Christmas
by telling her you're a racist.
WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You heard me.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Hi, Mom! (SlGHS) Hi, honey. Oh!
Did you get some new clothes?
Uh, no, I didn't.
Why not? (SlGHS)
Hi, Alex.
You know, it must be these illegal diet drugs I've been taking.
I guess the government just doesn't want me to look this good.
So, have you talked to your father and his child bride lately?
(SlGHS) Uh, Mom, she's 49.
Parts of her are much younger.
Um, Mom, I actually have to tell you something.
I'm not going to be able to come to Glenview for Christmas.
What? Why not?
I know. We're going on a cruise with Alex's parents.
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Yeah.
Yeah. And we're going to wear so much sunscreen,
so we won't be tan at all when we get back.
And I have been packing all morning.
Look. (SlGHS)
Wow! Mexico. Yeah.
I mean, who could blame you?
Remind me to give you a list for the farmacia.
(CLlCKS TONGUE)
But, Mom, we'll still celebrate Christmas.
We'll take you to dinner tonight.
I'm hungry now.
Do you have any Baileys?
Where did the suitcase come from?
Oh. Uh, don't take this the wrong way,
but I always have a bag packed.
Listen, picking out a tree is like picking out a lady.
She's probably only going to be around for two and a half weeks,
so don't spend too much on her.
Oh, thank God. I thought he was going to say,
"Leave her on the curb and wait for the city to pick her up."
I think this is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Then again, the bar is pretty low.
You know, I was raised by atheists
and I'm engaged to a Hindu.
Okay. After this, we have to get stuff for Christmas dinner.
So, Lily, you're cooking. Yeah.
Roxanne, you're in charge of alcohol.
Oh, actually, I am taking a little time-out
from drinking. Oh.
I'm just not handling my first post-divorce Christmas that well.
I drunk-dialed Lance last night.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
I told him that I hate him
and that I still have sex dreams about him.
So, it was confusing for both of us.
Well, anyway, I think it's a good time
that I get a handle on the drinking. Mmm-hmm.
I went into Barry's Liquors the other day
and they just gave me a free tank top.
Oh, my God. I'm going to have at least one sober adult around me on Christmas.
It took 20 years but Santa finally answered my letter.
I'm so glad I'm not with my mom.
She never used to let me eat cookie dough.
Well, she's not here, so Merry Christmas and happy salmonella.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
So, here's a new twist on old traditions, starting with a cocktail.
This is a Bloody Mary eggnog.
A blood nog.
Huh. Okay. Mmm-hmm. Happy birthday, Jesus.
These lights are like seaweed.
Stop pulling. Just stop pulling. Stop pulling.
I'm not pulling.
How's it going?
Good. Hey, Whit, thank you for having us over.
I've never done this before.
The only holiday tradition we had in my town
was called, "Ding-dong, let's throw rocks at the brown kid."
Uh, Roxanne ROXANNE: Hmm.
A virgin blood nog for you, my dear.
Thank you. Yeah.
Yeah, this sobriety thing is not that hard.
I feel great.
This morning, I woke up in the same room I fell asleep in.
Wow.
And look. I put eyeliner on both eyes.
Roxanne, this ornament is cool.
Oh, yeah. Lance gave me that a couple of years ago
before he stabbed me in the heart.
That was back when we were happy, you know.
And we believed in little things like ornaments and love.
And the future.
Hey, let's go scream in the elevator.
LlLY: Honey?
Oh, my God. Do you hear that? What?
No fighting. No yelling.
This is the best Christmas ever.
Oh, serious question, though. Hmm?
How awesome do I look in these?
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
That was fast. (CLEARS THROAT)
Merry Christmas!
Dad!
Dad, it's so good to see you.
I just wish I had known you were coming.
Oh, what fun would that be?
And you know how I am. I'm here, I'm there.
You never know exactly where I'm going to be.
And it's Christmas.
Ah. No call (SNAPS FlNGERS) or email?
Oh, voicemails, emails, Facebook.
Technology is killing our ability to really connect with each other.
Dad, you know Alex started an lnternet company.
But it also brings us together.
Alex.
Hey.
The place still looks great.
Ah, you've never been here.
What?
I was just here last month.
No, I saw you a year ago.
I think we spent, like, 10 minutes together in an airport Cinnabon.
Oh.
Yeah, it was when you bought me that Playboy
Iike it was a normal thing to do.
Uh, why aren't you spending Christmas with Dina?
Now, the real question is why aren't we dancing?
Dancing!
(SlNGlNG) Dancing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh Okay, oh, God. Yeah.
"You look beautiful," said the tree to the apple.
Oh. Uh, you did not answer my question.
Did you start dyeing your hair?
I didn't. Oh.
I found this amazing herb in lndonesia.
It returns your hair to its natural color.
Here.
I picked this up for you in Jakarta.
Ooh.
Wow.
The tag says "Cost Plus."
Yep. Cost Plus Jakarta.
I have to hit the bathroom.
(SlNGlNG) O, come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant O, come...
(DOOR CLOSlNG) God, this is not good.
We have got to get him out of here. He will ruin this.
Oh, man. We were so close to not having family.
No, no, no. We've got to just stick to our thing.
We are fake going on a real cruise.
But he just flew here from lndonesia.
No, he didn't. He flew here from Phoenix.
Nothing he says is true.
He just says whatever he thinks will make people like him.
Oh, yeah, that must have skipped a generation.
Such a treat to use an American toilet again.
So. Now, for your real present.
Alex, I hope you're ready to make a lot of money
because this right here is the best growth opportunity in the vitamin world
since Ginkgo Biloba.
Imagine. A vitamin that can keep you up for two days.
And all you have to do is snort it.
And all I need from you is a valid credit card.
Oh, Dad.
Oh, you know what?
Dad, we are going to be late for our flight.
Your flight? Yeah.
But where are you going?
Oh, we're going on a cruise, uh, with my parents.
It's an established thing. Oh.
You can ask anybody.
Our flight leaves in, like, an hour.
Oh, oh. No, no, no, no.
Hey, I dropped in unannounced.
I'll take you to the airport.
Oh, no, no, no. No. No, we'll just take a cab.
Well, you'll never make it on time.
Alex, where's your suitcase?
Come on, man! We've got to move!
Yeah.
(HUMMlNG)
What are you doing? Why are you folding? Folding...
Okay. Just put it in there!
Hey, it's got to be more full.
Come on. Just jam it in there.
I don't know. Okay, get it in. Get it in.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
Come on. Oh, I forgot a swimsuit.
We're not going anywhere!
You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.
All right.
(SlGHS) Got my bag.
Yeah. Tickets.
Okay, bye. Thank you. Oh, okay.
Careful on that boat. I don't want to be reading about you.
Okay. Alex.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Uh.
(SlGHS)
Okay. Good.
Good. Good.
Oh, I'm sorry. You need help with the bags.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Yeah.
Dad, you just take off whenever.
No, no. You should check your bags curbside.
I'll go find a guy. We got it. No. No.
This is ridiculous. You know a cab home
is going to cost, like, 80 bucks?
This is my man, Ronald. He'll take good care of you.
We both went to Loyola.
The one in California, if he asks.
Merry Christmas, folks. Can I take your bags?
No, no, no, no, sorry.
Um, just give me a second to say goodbye to my dad, Ronald.
Yeah, jeez. Let her say bye to her dad, Ron.
Ron? I...
Yeah. Okay.
Have a great time, you two.
Bye, Dad. (LAUGHS)
It was really good to see you.
Merry Christmas.
And you, too, bug.
Well, time for me to take my chariot back to the Four Seasons.
Nothing like spending Christmas in a five-star hotel.
(SlNGlNG) It came upon a midnight clear
He's not really staying at the Four Seasons, is he?
Now you're catching on.
Are you guys ready?
ALL: (CHEERlNG) Yeah.
ALL: Three, two, one!
ALL: Ah...
All right. Okay.
Oh, my God, Alex, look at this.
What I found with the DVDs. (SlGHS)
(READlNG) "Bug, here's hoping that this year,
"we can have the best Christmas ever.
"There's no place I'd rather be. Love, Dad."
Oh, God. At least my mom is with her sisters.
My dad is all alone on Christmas.
Look at the stationery.
Big Six Hotel and Liquor Mart.
If he's at that place and he's got 10 bucks, he's not alone.
If these walls could talk, they would have a woman's voice
and an Adam's apple.
So, what's your mom going to say
when she finds out you saw your dad on Christmas?
Oh, she'll never find out. They hate each other.
They only speak when there's a lawyer present.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
It's a miracle that one of these rooms isn't your office.
(GASPS) Whitney!
(STUTTERS) It's not what you think.
VlNCE: Candi. Don't freak out, but I think...
Yep, the condom broke.
I can't believe this. What is this?
Is this happening? Is this happening?
Nothing is happening.
Hey, Vince. You should button up your boxers, dude.
(MOUTHlNG) Okay, you guys don't speak.
You haven't talked since graduation.
You guys hate each other.
Yeah, well, we still hate each other.
Honey, this was just a one-time thing.
And we don't talk.
There was no talking going on in there.
And I'm sorry, but aren't you two
supposed to be on a Mexican cruise?
Okay, your thing is much worse than our thing.
Ah! Oh, both things are fine.
Everything's fine.
I cannot believe this.
I cannot believe that you guys are actually more messed up
and dishonest than I thought you were.
I am such an idiot for thinking
that you guys weren't going to ruin my Christmas.
Hey, you lied, too.
I learned from the best.
Alex, wait a minute.
Did you have a chance to take a look at those DVDs?
Hey, did you find your dad?
Yeah, he was inside my mom.
I thought they couldn't stand each other.
You and me both. I apparently don't know what's true anymore.
And I'm sorry, you guys. I'm not going to be much of a hostess.
You don't have to sit around and listen to this.
Hey, nobody's going anywhere.
Yeah. Whit, everybody fights with their family on Christmas.
Why do you think we're all here?
But it's not just the fighting.
It is the constant lying.
And I am just as bad as they are.
I realized that my family's Christmas tradition is dishonesty.
Well, our families aren't here now.
So, what do you want to do?
Yeah, we can start our own traditions.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
The Christmas tradition that I want to start
is that everybody tells the truth.
And that's it. And we're all just going to go around.
It's probably going to get real.
Who's first?
Mark.
I journal. Every night.
Sometimes in the morning when my dreams are really vivid.
Oh, my God, does that feel good to say. Whoo!
Good, Mark. Thank you.
Who's next? Lily.
Okay. Um, okay. I'd like to go again, actually.
When I was 10 years old, I got paid $20
to touch tips with Randy Lucas.
(MlMlCS EXPLOSlON)
Go ahead, Lily.
Mine is that it bothers me
that you always shower right after we have sex. So.
Mine is that it makes me uncomfortable
when you talk about our sex life with our friends.
Roxanne?
Uh... Uh, yeah. Okay.
Um, well, mine is about Lance.
And yes, he cheated on me.
In my own house. In my own bed.
On my own boogie board.
But with a little sober clarity,
I can admit that I pushed him away long before that.
So, I kind of need to take responsibility for that.
Why do you need a boogie board?
(DOOR KNOB RATTLlNG)
Come on. You're breaking in to my house?
I'm sorry. What are you guys here for?
Do you need a morning-after pill?
No, but if you have any penicillin, I'll take it.
Hey, I'm Vince.
I understand we're both in the finance game.
And I'm also one-eighth lndian.
Dad, stop with the lies, okay?
We just started a Christmas tradition
where we're all telling the truth. And I'm next.
So I lied to you guys about going on that cruise
because you guys have ruined every Christmas that I've ever had.
What are you talking... We had the most wonderful Christmases.
The house would be filled with music
and dear friends dropped over.
Mom, you would get drunk and sing.
And the repo man was not our friend.
Jerry was a nice man with a thankless job.
Dad, you can't even remember things honestly.
I am trying to break the cycle.
Okay? Another truth?
I was on ecstasy at your third wedding.
That's why I was sitting on all those balloons.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Well, that answers a lot of questions I had about your toast.
All right, what about you two?
Do you have anything you want to share?
No. I don't have anything.
But I bet he does.
Ah, oh, I'm racking my brain.
Yo tengo nada.
All right, you know what, then I'll go.
Uh, two years ago, after I met you two,
I almost broke up with Whitney.
What?
Yeah, look, a lot of girls from messed up families are messed up, too.
And when I first saw how dishonest your family was,
I almost bailed.
And that would have sucked,
because you're a really good person.
Well, of course she's a good person. She's my daughter.
Okay, I got one. Your mother and l
have secret sex every Christmas.
Vince.
Well, it's the one time of year we get along.
And we just slipped back into it a few years back.
Okay, you guys never got along on Christmas.
You guys would lock yourselves in a room
and yell and scream at each other,
and you'd pound on the walls.
Oh, ew! Ew! Gross!
Oh!
We loved Christmas, bug,
because even when we knew we were bombing as parents,
there would be a point when we'd look over there and we'd see you
playing with your Barbies, and...
And we'd think,
"There is the one great thing we ever did together."
And that's the truth.
You guys are going to make me cry.
Now, we try to recapture that feeling once a year with keep-your-shirts-on-sex.
Ew, come on. Come on.
Oh. Bye.
Thanks for having us, bug.
I hope we didn't ruin another Christmas.
No, God. I love you guys.
But in the future, I am not tolerating any more lies.
I'm serious.
What?
Your cat didn't run away. I hit it with my car.
But we buried her in the backyard.
And that's why all those weird mushrooms sprouted up.
I forgot to mail three of your college applications.
And we weren't married when you were born.
Okay, you know what? I'm good.
Thanks, guys.
Love you. Love you.
VlNCE: Hey, how about a ride back to the hotel?
CANDl: Oh, get a cab.
Honey, it's okay.
Oh. All right. All right. It's okay.
You're still a man.
(SlGHS)
It got bigger. I swear.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry we didn't get to have our family-free Christmas.
Oh, well, you know, the truth is
we'll never have a family-free Christmas.
We're family now.
We are.
Oh, hey. And also, uh...
Can I have one more turn at the honesty thing?
Sure.
Okay, um...
Well, remember how I told you I loved you
for the first time, uh, after six months?
Uh, actually, I told you
for the first time after six weeks.
You just didn't hear it because you were asleep.
(SlGHS)
I broke your iPad.
And I wasn't asleep.
(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TV)
I told you this DVD would change your life, buddy.
I am speechless. I am without speech.
Let me ask you a quick question.
What is the strongest structure on Earth, Mark?
The human spine.
No.
Friendship.
So, all you have to do
is find 10 friends who will sell these vitamins.
It's guaranteed profit.
And all you want is $450 cash.
And I can retire in three years? (CHUCKLES)
Hey, I've been retired for 10.