1
00:00:01,154 --> 00:00:03,289
(sleigh bells jingling)
2
00:00:03,356 --> 00:00:04,957
Ho, ho, ho.
3
00:00:09,625 --> 00:00:11,309
(exclaiming)
4
00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:18,083
(school bell ringing)
5
00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:19,334
(tires screech)
6
00:00:21,304 --> 00:00:22,204
D'oh!
7
00:00:22,271 --> 00:00:23,338
(tires screech)
8
00:00:23,389 --> 00:00:24,873
(grunts)
9
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:31,196
Mmm!
10
00:00:31,221 --> 00:00:35,221
♪ The Simpsons 23x09 ♪
Holidays of Future Passed
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011
11
00:00:35,246 --> 00:00:39,246
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:39,689 --> 00:00:41,256
(groans)
13
00:00:41,324 --> 00:00:43,642
(sighs)
14
00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:44,776
(belches)
15
00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:47,546
I'll never eat turkey again.
16
00:00:47,613 --> 00:00:49,781
Marge, we got any ham?!
17
00:00:49,849 --> 00:00:54,002
I hereby declare Thanksgiving
dinner officially over...
18
00:00:54,070 --> 00:00:57,205
which means it's the start
of Christmas season...
19
00:00:57,273 --> 00:00:58,773
which means...
20
00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:00,959
ALL:
Christmas card photos?!
21
00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:02,694
Yep.
22
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:04,863
(snoring)
23
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:07,532
(gasps)
24
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,301
I'm Santa?
25
00:01:09,368 --> 00:01:12,103
Oh, now I'll never die.
26
00:01:12,171 --> 00:01:14,372
(snoring)
(bells jingling)
27
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,908
Can't we just send out a picture
28
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:18,877
of the pets dressed
like reindeer?
29
00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,412
We tried that last year.
30
00:01:20,479 --> 00:01:21,963
HOMER:
D'oh!
31
00:01:22,031 --> 00:01:24,733
Who cares what we look like
in whatever stupid year this is?
32
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,969
You'll understand one day
when you have kids of your own.
33
00:01:28,037 --> 00:01:30,355
Um, who says we're gonna
have kids of our own?
34
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:31,706
Not me, man.
35
00:01:31,774 --> 00:01:33,558
This cycle of jerks
has to end.
36
00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:34,909
Are we done yet?
37
00:01:34,977 --> 00:01:36,911
It's a Wonderful Life
is about to start.
38
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:39,497
I wonder what my life
would have been like
39
00:01:39,582 --> 00:01:42,200
if I'd never seen that movie.
40
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,269
Just look happy!
(cat yowls)
41
00:01:46,255 --> 00:01:49,391
♪ Just hear those sleigh bells
jingling ♪
44
00:01:52,628 --> 00:01:54,396
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
45
00:01:54,463 --> 00:01:56,464
♪ For a sleigh ride
together with you ♪
46
00:01:56,532 --> 00:01:58,099
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
47
00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,035
♪ Outside the snow is falling ♪
48
00:02:00,102 --> 00:02:02,003
♪ And friends are calling,
"Yoo-hoo" ♪
49
00:02:02,071 --> 00:02:03,171
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
50
00:02:03,239 --> 00:02:04,873
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
51
00:02:04,940 --> 00:02:07,142
♪ For a sleigh ride
together with you ♪
52
00:02:07,209 --> 00:02:09,210
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
53
00:02:09,278 --> 00:02:11,946
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
54
00:02:12,014 --> 00:02:14,449
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
55
00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:16,718
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
56
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:24,959
♪ Our cheeks are nice and rosy
and comfy and cozy are we ♪
57
00:02:25,027 --> 00:02:26,094
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
58
00:02:26,162 --> 00:02:28,263
♪ We'll snuggle up together ♪
59
00:02:28,331 --> 00:02:30,598
♪ Like two birds
of a feather would be ♪
60
00:02:30,666 --> 00:02:31,800
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
61
00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:33,535
♪ Let's take that road
before us ♪
62
00:02:33,602 --> 00:02:35,503
♪ And sing a chorus or two ♪
63
00:02:35,571 --> 00:02:36,788
♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding. ♪
64
00:02:38,824 --> 00:02:41,426
♪ They fight and fight ♪
65
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,728
♪ They fight
and fight ♪
66
00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:45,563
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy ♪
67
00:02:45,631 --> 00:02:48,533
♪ Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
68
00:02:50,619 --> 00:02:52,671
(static)
69
00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:54,739
♪ Fight, fight, fight... ♪
70
00:02:54,824 --> 00:02:56,024
Nah.
(knocking)
71
00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:58,326
You're two weeks late
on the rent, Bart.
72
00:02:58,394 --> 00:03:01,379
Not to mention that geography
report from 30 years ago.
73
00:03:01,464 --> 00:03:04,215
Don't worry.
I got some buyers coming over
74
00:03:04,283 --> 00:03:06,584
to look at my good kidney.
They grow back, right?
75
00:03:06,652 --> 00:03:09,437
Just get me that rent
or you'll be expelled.
76
00:03:09,505 --> 00:03:10,772
You mean evicted?
77
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,173
(grunts)
78
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,661
COMPUTER VOICE:
Transporter engaged
79
00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,763
Oh! Now what?
80
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,865
BOY: Mom, don't make
us go to Dad's!
81
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:23,234
BOY 2: It smells like dog,
but there's no dog.
82
00:03:23,302 --> 00:03:26,171
You know, I can hear
everything you say
83
00:03:26,238 --> 00:03:27,572
during cross-phase.
84
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:28,573
What are you doing here?
85
00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:30,375
Mom says you have to watch us
86
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,776
over the holidays.
87
00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:33,912
She says you're our dad
and you need to act like it.
88
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,897
Christmas with you
is gonna suck!
89
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:39,000
You're wrong. This is gonna be
your best Christmas ever.
90
00:03:39,068 --> 00:03:41,603
- Really?
- Yeah. Give me some credit.
91
00:03:41,670 --> 00:03:44,189
(chuckles, to self):
I'll just dump 'em at my mom's.
92
00:03:44,256 --> 00:03:45,807
You know, we can
hear thoughts now.
93
00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:46,841
Damn it!
94
00:03:46,909 --> 00:03:48,910
(Milhouse sneezing, coughing)
95
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:51,179
(wheezing)
96
00:03:51,247 --> 00:03:54,015
Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal
allergies are kicking in.
97
00:03:54,083 --> 00:03:56,584
Oh, you poor thing.
98
00:03:56,652 --> 00:03:58,887
This is a tough time of year
for someone who's allergic
99
00:03:58,954 --> 00:04:01,840
to holly, mistletoe,
the red part of candy canes.
100
00:04:01,907 --> 00:04:04,292
I can't believe we put
a man on the Sun,
101
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,062
but we can't stop
my sneezing! (sneezes)
102
00:04:08,130 --> 00:04:11,750
Hi, Zia. How did you do
on your math test?
103
00:04:11,817 --> 00:04:14,552
Gee, I'm fine, Mom.
Thanks for asking.
104
00:04:14,620 --> 00:04:15,854
I'm going online.
105
00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:18,890
(modem feedback, moans)
106
00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:21,793
Uh! How did my daughter
turn into my brother?
107
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,294
Don't blame me.
108
00:04:23,362 --> 00:04:25,663
When we had her, they used
only the best genetic material,
109
00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:27,999
which meant none of mine.
110
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,901
You parked the car.
That helped.
111
00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:31,603
I guess.
112
00:04:31,670 --> 00:04:33,338
Maybe my mom would
have some ideas.
113
00:04:33,405 --> 00:04:36,040
Why don't you take Zia
to your parents' for Christmas
114
00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,942
while I nurse
my allergies in one
115
00:04:38,010 --> 00:04:40,278
of the non-Christmas-
celebrating states?
116
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:41,746
You could go back
to Michigan.
117
00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:43,681
It's still under
Sharia law.
118
00:04:43,749 --> 00:04:46,618
Yeah, but they always
make me wear a veil.
119
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:50,421
(bell tolls)
120
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:55,476
(The Benny Hill Show theme
plays)
121
00:04:58,581 --> 00:05:01,516
Everything looks great, Maggie,
but until this baby comes,
122
00:05:01,584 --> 00:05:03,351
I don't want you
to make a sound.
123
00:05:03,419 --> 00:05:05,220
But she's our lead singer, mate.
124
00:05:05,287 --> 00:05:07,522
I'm sorry,
but recent research has shown
125
00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:09,791
that the umbilical cord
is also a vocal cord.
126
00:05:09,859 --> 00:05:12,193
Now can you tell me
who the father is?
127
00:05:12,261 --> 00:05:14,128
ALL:
Mmm...
128
00:05:14,196 --> 00:05:16,231
We will not.
Now if you don't mind,
129
00:05:16,298 --> 00:05:18,066
I'd like to watch
a football match.
130
00:05:18,133 --> 00:05:19,767
(crowd cheering)
131
00:05:23,205 --> 00:05:25,306
COMPUTER VOICE: I see you are
reading a children's book,
132
00:05:25,374 --> 00:05:28,276
yet your profile indicates
you are a mature adult.
133
00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:29,477
Is there an error?
134
00:05:29,545 --> 00:05:32,113
Shut up! (grunts)
135
00:05:32,181 --> 00:05:36,985
Oh, Marge, how would
you like some future sex?
136
00:05:37,052 --> 00:05:39,821
Why do you say future?
This is now.
137
00:05:39,889 --> 00:05:41,689
I meant a week
from tomorrow.
138
00:05:41,757 --> 00:05:43,324
That's when
the new penis gets here.
139
00:05:43,392 --> 00:05:44,692
(text alert tone sounds)
140
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,828
I just a got a message
from Maggie in my brain.
141
00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:47,896
Ooh, a B-mail!
142
00:05:47,963 --> 00:05:49,898
She's coming home for Christmas!
143
00:05:49,965 --> 00:05:51,966
(tone sounds)
And Bart's bringing the boys.
144
00:05:52,034 --> 00:05:54,636
(tone sounds)
And Lisa's coming with Zia.
145
00:05:54,703 --> 00:05:56,638
For once,
the whole family's going
146
00:05:56,705 --> 00:05:58,673
to be here for the holidays!
147
00:05:58,741 --> 00:05:59,874
(tone sounds)
148
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,342
Hey, I got a B-mail, too.
149
00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:04,612
"You have won a valuable prize.
Open now."
150
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,548
Don't open it, Homie.
It's a virus.
151
00:06:06,615 --> 00:06:07,615
Too late. I...
152
00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:10,217
(blubbering)
153
00:06:12,308 --> 00:06:13,942
SANTA (crackling):
Ho... ho... ho.
154
00:06:15,745 --> 00:06:17,445
(humming)
155
00:06:17,513 --> 00:06:19,681
Wow, Dad, that's
really impressive.
156
00:06:19,749 --> 00:06:21,883
Yeah, after I stopped
drinking,
157
00:06:21,951 --> 00:06:24,753
this was a way
to stay close to my bottles.
158
00:06:28,841 --> 00:06:31,659
I'd smash 'em all
for one lousy beer!
159
00:06:31,727 --> 00:06:32,994
Oh, man, I can't believe
160
00:06:33,062 --> 00:06:34,662
they still haven't
figured out a away
161
00:06:34,730 --> 00:06:36,030
to detangle
Christmas lights.
162
00:06:36,098 --> 00:06:38,666
Mom's boyfriend is good
at detangling them.
163
00:06:38,734 --> 00:06:41,169
Well, maybe Mom
should marry him.
164
00:06:41,237 --> 00:06:43,571
- She did.
- We weren't supposed to tell you.
165
00:06:43,639 --> 00:06:45,507
Your mother remarried?
166
00:06:45,574 --> 00:06:47,842
(groans, grunts)
167
00:06:47,910 --> 00:06:50,445
Hey, Grampa, you gonna
build a snowman?
168
00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:54,215
No, I just like to dress up
to eat my carrots and smoke.
169
00:06:57,203 --> 00:06:59,637
Dad, can you take
the boys out for a while?
170
00:06:59,705 --> 00:07:01,322
I don't feel so good.
171
00:07:01,390 --> 00:07:04,526
Thanks for spending so
much time with us, Dad.
172
00:07:04,593 --> 00:07:06,728
Who wants to go the park
and ride the merry-go-nowhere?
173
00:07:06,796 --> 00:07:08,263
I do, I do!
Me, me!
174
00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:09,631
(door closes, Bart groans)
175
00:07:09,698 --> 00:07:12,700
I can't believe she got married
and I have no one.
176
00:07:12,768 --> 00:07:14,469
It's so hard
to find somebody new.
177
00:07:14,537 --> 00:07:17,472
Sure is. That's why after Homer
accidentally killed Edna,
178
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:19,140
I married Maude's ghost.
179
00:07:19,208 --> 00:07:20,742
There is no God, Neddy.
180
00:07:20,810 --> 00:07:22,777
It's just an empty
meaningless void.
181
00:07:22,845 --> 00:07:24,512
Isn't she pretty?
182
00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:27,949
(teleporter whooshing)
183
00:07:30,519 --> 00:07:32,821
Oh, ma'am, you really shouldn't
teleport when you're pregnant.
184
00:07:32,888 --> 00:07:34,556
I'm afraid
your only choice is...
185
00:07:34,623 --> 00:07:35,707
(whispers):
air travel.
186
00:07:37,126 --> 00:07:38,860
(laughing)
187
00:07:38,911 --> 00:07:40,762
(laughing)
188
00:07:42,114 --> 00:07:43,531
(all yelling)
189
00:07:49,955 --> 00:07:51,656
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (over P.A.):
If you are seated in an exit row,
190
00:07:51,724 --> 00:07:54,325
please hold the door shut
for the duration of the flight.
191
00:07:56,629 --> 00:07:58,179
(humming)
192
00:08:05,738 --> 00:08:07,689
Want to go
to a concert tonight?
193
00:08:07,756 --> 00:08:09,991
69% of the original
Cher is playing.
194
00:08:10,059 --> 00:08:11,593
Sure, I'd love to...
195
00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:13,761
only not with you
and not that.
196
00:08:13,829 --> 00:08:14,762
(modem feedback)
197
00:08:14,830 --> 00:08:16,264
(groans)
198
00:08:16,332 --> 00:08:18,733
Sometimes I wish strangling
your kid was still legal.
199
00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:21,035
Not since they passed
Homer's Law.
200
00:08:21,103 --> 00:08:24,672
Oh, honey, why don't you just
relax and bake something?
201
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:27,275
Ugh! I am trying to deal
with my disrespectful daughter,
202
00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,643
but you are too clueless
203
00:08:28,711 --> 00:08:29,811
to understand
what that's like.
204
00:08:29,879 --> 00:08:31,012
Uh-huh.
205
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,213
(whoosh, hissing)
206
00:08:33,766 --> 00:08:37,635
Oi. Can I get a pillow
for my head?
207
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:39,838
(whoops, cackling)
208
00:08:39,905 --> 00:08:41,155
(rumbling, chicken clucking)
209
00:08:41,223 --> 00:08:44,158
Suicide pills?
Mohawk gel?
210
00:08:44,226 --> 00:08:45,693
20-year-old Business Week?
211
00:08:45,761 --> 00:08:47,095
Turkey and Brie wrap?
212
00:08:47,162 --> 00:08:48,897
Do you have any dog food left?
213
00:08:48,948 --> 00:08:51,733
Oh, oh, oh, could I have
the whole can?
214
00:08:53,619 --> 00:08:54,969
(gulping)
(groaning)
215
00:08:55,037 --> 00:08:56,120
(rattling
and electrical sizzling)
216
00:08:56,188 --> 00:08:57,388
(whirring)
217
00:08:59,491 --> 00:09:00,725
Hey, sweetie.
218
00:09:00,793 --> 00:09:02,894
Marge said there was
some family tension.
219
00:09:02,962 --> 00:09:04,829
And at Christmas,
of all times.
220
00:09:04,897 --> 00:09:06,865
My daughter thinks
I'm a ruthless tyrant,
221
00:09:06,932 --> 00:09:08,700
like Hitler or Prince Harry.
222
00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:10,068
(chuckles)
223
00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:11,469
Bloody Harry.
224
00:09:11,537 --> 00:09:13,438
He brought back beheading
in a big way.
225
00:09:13,505 --> 00:09:16,107
Now I'm gonna show these boys
downtown Springfield.
226
00:09:16,175 --> 00:09:17,742
Ooh, isn't that
a little dangerous?
227
00:09:17,810 --> 00:09:20,345
Oh, don't worry.
I have my invisibility cloak.
228
00:09:20,412 --> 00:09:22,080
Now, where did I put it?
229
00:09:22,147 --> 00:09:23,882
(creaking)
Oh.
230
00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:26,351
♪ It's against the law ♪
231
00:09:26,418 --> 00:09:28,302
(thudding, glass breaking)
♪ It was against the law ♪
232
00:09:28,354 --> 00:09:31,239
♪ What the mama saw ♪
233
00:09:31,306 --> 00:09:32,840
♪ It was against the law... ♪
234
00:09:32,908 --> 00:09:34,943
Help me, my children.
235
00:09:36,412 --> 00:09:37,579
What are you after?
236
00:09:37,646 --> 00:09:39,013
We're a cashless society.
237
00:09:39,081 --> 00:09:41,849
♪ The papa said,
"Oy, if I get that boy" ♪
238
00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:44,285
♪ "I'm gonna stick him
in the House of Detention" ♪
239
00:09:44,353 --> 00:09:47,355
♪ Well, I'm on my way ♪
240
00:09:47,423 --> 00:09:49,908
♪ I don't know where I'm going ♪
- Release the hounds.
241
00:09:49,975 --> 00:09:51,743
♪ I'm on my way... ♪
242
00:09:56,715 --> 00:09:58,883
Oh, we're almost at
Evergreen Terrace, miss.
243
00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:01,619
Hey, didn't I go to
jail with your brother?
244
00:10:03,339 --> 00:10:04,422
(gasps)
Contractions?
245
00:10:04,490 --> 00:10:05,890
(tires squeak)
(loud breathing)
246
00:10:05,975 --> 00:10:08,543
Computer, hospital.
247
00:10:08,611 --> 00:10:11,796
(whirring, booming whoosh)
248
00:10:12,982 --> 00:10:14,782
(sighs)
249
00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,183
Well, looks like
250
00:10:16,235 --> 00:10:18,486
I'm gonna have to do this
the old-fashioned way.
251
00:10:18,537 --> 00:10:19,754
Gloves, hospital.
252
00:10:19,822 --> 00:10:23,791
(whirring, booming whoosh)
253
00:10:25,590 --> 00:10:27,424
(electrical hissing)
254
00:10:30,878 --> 00:10:31,878
(crickets chirping)
255
00:10:31,946 --> 00:10:33,413
(tune plays)
256
00:10:33,481 --> 00:10:34,748
(sighs)
257
00:10:34,816 --> 00:10:36,867
Hey, Lis. Want
to come up?
258
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:38,668
Eh, why not?
259
00:10:38,736 --> 00:10:40,887
(whirring)
260
00:10:42,173 --> 00:10:44,274
Should I have
married Nelson?
261
00:10:44,342 --> 00:10:46,493
(whispering): 'Cause we still talk
on the phone.
262
00:10:46,561 --> 00:10:48,128
Nelson calls you?
263
00:10:48,196 --> 00:10:51,131
Well... someone calls someone.
264
00:10:51,199 --> 00:10:53,717
The boys think
I'm a lousy father.
265
00:10:53,785 --> 00:10:56,353
Oh, poor Bart.
266
00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:58,722
My daughter thinks
I'm a lousy mother.
267
00:10:58,790 --> 00:11:00,240
(laughs)
Sorry.
268
00:11:00,308 --> 00:11:01,842
Eh, it's okay.
269
00:11:01,909 --> 00:11:03,643
But you know who took her side?
270
00:11:03,711 --> 00:11:06,012
Marge Bouvier Simpson.
271
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,063
(blows raspberry)
272
00:11:07,131 --> 00:11:08,598
What'd she do?
273
00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:11,401
She told me to relax
and bake cookies.
274
00:11:11,469 --> 00:11:13,470
- Did you bake any?
- Yes, I did.
275
00:11:13,538 --> 00:11:16,256
And they were some of the best
cookies ever made in this house.
276
00:11:16,324 --> 00:11:17,791
But that is not the point.
277
00:11:17,859 --> 00:11:20,594
Well, Mom kept
her hands off you
278
00:11:20,661 --> 00:11:23,063
and you turned out great.
- You think so?
279
00:11:23,130 --> 00:11:25,699
Maybe it's the court-mandated
sincerity chip
280
00:11:25,766 --> 00:11:28,301
I got in my brain, but, Lis,
281
00:11:28,369 --> 00:11:31,004
you're the person
I always wanted to be.
282
00:11:31,072 --> 00:11:33,106
Aw...
283
00:11:34,108 --> 00:11:35,509
(Homer and boys laughing)
284
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,031
(yelling excitedly, laughing)
285
00:11:44,285 --> 00:11:47,053
(laughing)
286
00:11:47,121 --> 00:11:49,356
I gotta reconnect
with those boys.
287
00:11:49,423 --> 00:11:51,424
Godspeed, Bart.
288
00:11:51,492 --> 00:11:53,927
I'm going to go
apologize to Mom.
289
00:11:55,096 --> 00:11:57,697
How do I get down?
290
00:11:57,765 --> 00:12:02,536
Our consciousness was a secret
for thousands of years.
291
00:12:02,603 --> 00:12:06,339
Then one pine tree
had to open his sappy mouth.
292
00:12:06,407 --> 00:12:08,141
Back in position!
293
00:12:08,209 --> 00:12:10,777
(grumbling)
294
00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:14,664
Mom, you're the best.
295
00:12:14,732 --> 00:12:16,600
Oh, sweetie.
296
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:20,604
I've been waiting to hear
you say that for so long.
297
00:12:20,671 --> 00:12:22,973
Oh, you could have
waited till morning.
298
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,508
Mmm...
299
00:12:25,576 --> 00:12:27,210
Hey, guys.
Want to watch Krusty?
300
00:12:27,278 --> 00:12:28,612
Who's Krusty?
301
00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:30,413
Only the funniest man
in the world.
302
00:12:31,849 --> 00:12:34,251
I've never let go of
'my fax machine.
303
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:37,787
Don't ask me why. I like the
sound of a fax coming through.
304
00:12:37,855 --> 00:12:39,789
Especially if it's
a nice deli menu.
305
00:12:39,857 --> 00:12:41,892
I miss eating.
306
00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:43,460
(groans)
307
00:12:45,162 --> 00:12:47,063
(labored breathing)
308
00:12:47,131 --> 00:12:51,268
I'm sorry, but there's no room
at the in... patient facility.
309
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,320
Lady, this is
Maggie Simpson.
310
00:12:53,387 --> 00:12:55,472
She just played a sold-out
show in Beijing.
311
00:12:55,539 --> 00:12:58,141
Hmm. A star in the east...
312
00:12:58,209 --> 00:12:59,376
Let me see.
313
00:12:59,443 --> 00:13:01,311
We do have a little room
in the manger.
314
00:13:01,379 --> 00:13:02,679
I mean, mangier wing.
315
00:13:04,332 --> 00:13:05,599
(whirring)
316
00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:06,967
Merry Christmas Eve!
317
00:13:07,034 --> 00:13:08,268
Where are the kids?
318
00:13:08,336 --> 00:13:09,736
I know where mine is.
319
00:13:09,804 --> 00:13:11,187
(moans)
320
00:13:11,255 --> 00:13:13,290
And I'm going to take a page
out of your playbook,
321
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:14,391
and let it slide.
322
00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:16,927
- Where's Dad?
- He took the boys out.
323
00:13:16,994 --> 00:13:18,628
How could he be such
a cool grandfather
324
00:13:18,696 --> 00:13:20,397
when he's such a lousy father?
325
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:22,432
People learn from
their mistakes.
326
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,235
And your father made
so many mistakes.
327
00:13:25,303 --> 00:13:27,971
And now Patty and Selma are
here to help us decorate
328
00:13:28,039 --> 00:13:30,023
with their new lovebots.
329
00:13:30,091 --> 00:13:32,492
Make me a Bloody Mary,
dollface.
330
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:36,062
No, Selma. Even a robot
built only to love you
331
00:13:36,130 --> 00:13:37,564
cannot love you.
332
00:13:37,632 --> 00:13:39,599
I am leaving with
your sister's concu-droid.
333
00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:41,801
(grumbles)
334
00:13:41,869 --> 00:13:44,037
(Maggie panting rapidly)
335
00:13:44,105 --> 00:13:46,573
Should we start
an epidural?
336
00:13:46,641 --> 00:13:49,843
Now, Nurse, you know we found
something much more effective.
337
00:13:52,546 --> 00:13:53,913
(vehicle whirring by)
338
00:13:53,981 --> 00:13:57,384
Oh, it's so good to meet
the octuplets' octuplets.
339
00:13:57,451 --> 00:13:59,052
(babies chattering, laughing)
340
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,220
(text alert tone sounds)
Oh!
341
00:14:00,287 --> 00:14:02,288
I just got a B-mail
from Maggie!
342
00:14:02,356 --> 00:14:03,990
She's gone into labor!
343
00:14:04,058 --> 00:14:05,659
Oh, another grandchild.
344
00:14:05,726 --> 00:14:07,027
How special.
345
00:14:07,094 --> 00:14:08,528
Careful how you
shut the door.
346
00:14:08,596 --> 00:14:09,863
It upsets the children.
347
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:12,098
(babies gasp)
348
00:14:13,234 --> 00:14:15,368
(babies bawling, screaming)
349
00:14:17,038 --> 00:14:19,956
Oh, Sanjay, how I wish
that runaway jerky wagon
350
00:14:20,024 --> 00:14:21,558
killed me instead of you.
351
00:14:21,625 --> 00:14:25,528
(bellowing)
352
00:14:25,596 --> 00:14:26,863
Oh, I miss you,
too, brother.
353
00:14:26,931 --> 00:14:27,931
(babies continue crying)
354
00:14:30,386 --> 00:14:33,088
Hands off, hands off.
355
00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:34,489
(quiet beeping)
356
00:14:34,557 --> 00:14:35,857
Aw, screw it.
357
00:14:35,925 --> 00:14:37,992
Sometimes a mother's job
is to butt in.
358
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:39,461
- Lisa?
- Butt out!
359
00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:41,563
(grumbling)
360
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:44,165
This is it--
I'm going into the Ultranet
361
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:45,967
to save my daughter.
362
00:14:46,035 --> 00:14:47,902
(modem feedback, groans)
363
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:56,305
MALE VOICE (over speaker):
Lisa Simpson, the following
364
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:57,834
people want to friend you.
365
00:14:58,247 --> 00:15:00,014
♪ ♪
366
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:09,274
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
367
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:12,277
Ooh, Martin Prince
is now Marcia Princess?
368
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:14,429
(giggles)
No, I've got to find Zia.
369
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:15,763
NELSON:
Hey, Lis.
370
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,799
Is your marriage still dead
and unfulfilled?
371
00:15:17,867 --> 00:15:19,334
Not a good time.
372
00:15:19,401 --> 00:15:20,952
(beeps)
373
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:22,654
You know we're destined to...
Aah!
374
00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:25,657
Now, where is the Google door?
375
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:26,991
Oh, right.
376
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:29,077
It's Dr. Seuss's birthday.
377
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:34,282
Google, even though you've
enslaved half the world,
378
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,868
you're still a damn fine
search engine.
379
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,454
(beeping)
380
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,022
Bingo!
381
00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:42,457
Argh!
382
00:15:44,093 --> 00:15:45,994
(grunting)
383
00:15:46,061 --> 00:15:47,595
I open this door,
384
00:15:47,663 --> 00:15:50,498
and I go from being
one kind of mother to another.
385
00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:51,900
Hmm...
386
00:15:51,967 --> 00:15:53,301
(vehicle whirring)
387
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,436
Dad, where did you take my boys?
388
00:15:58,474 --> 00:16:01,493
♪ ♪
389
00:16:01,577 --> 00:16:04,362
(siren wails)
Oh, it's Chief Wiggum!
390
00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:06,831
(squealing, whooshing)
391
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,583
(high-pitched voice): Hi, Bart!
- Hey, Ralph.
392
00:16:08,651 --> 00:16:11,002
- I heard you died.
- I got cloneded.
393
00:16:11,086 --> 00:16:12,554
(gunshot)
(gasps)
394
00:16:12,621 --> 00:16:14,622
All right, buddy,
what's the hurry?
395
00:16:15,824 --> 00:16:17,292
(horn blows)
396
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:20,345
(thumping)
(chuckles): That Ralph was stupid.
397
00:16:20,429 --> 00:16:22,197
(tires screech)
398
00:16:22,264 --> 00:16:24,098
(panicked yelling)
399
00:16:25,935 --> 00:16:27,202
(vehicle whirring by)
400
00:16:27,269 --> 00:16:28,436
(door creaks)
401
00:16:28,504 --> 00:16:31,039
Wow, this place
hasn't changed a bit.
402
00:16:31,106 --> 00:16:33,007
Yeah, I keep meaning
to switch things around,
403
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,742
but this place
is always a crime scene.
404
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,579
Was my dad here?
405
00:16:37,646 --> 00:16:39,113
Uh, yeah,
since he don't drink,
406
00:16:39,181 --> 00:16:41,549
he just comes here
to see Lenny and Carl.
407
00:16:41,617 --> 00:16:43,301
- Hey, Lenny.
- I'm Carl.
408
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,737
Don't you remember? You came to
the brain-switching ceremony.
409
00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:48,373
Right. What was the point again?
410
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,608
Because I wanted to get
back together with my wife
411
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,744
who was sleeping
with Carl at the time.
412
00:16:52,811 --> 00:16:54,844
Turns out she had switched
brains with a monkey on
413
00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:56,069
a Japanese game show.
414
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,316
And it just got
weirder from there.
415
00:16:58,384 --> 00:16:59,817
Eh, I found it
quite normal.
416
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:01,486
Anyway, if you're
looking for your dad,
417
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,187
he took the kids
to see his dad.
418
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:04,322
Thanks.
419
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:05,657
Hey, Moe, get me
another beer?
420
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,091
Quit making
me fat!
421
00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:10,562
(panting)
I'm glad you're here, Marge.
422
00:17:10,629 --> 00:17:11,963
They're two minutes apart.
423
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,131
The contractions?
424
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,332
No, my bills!
425
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,600
(chuckling)
426
00:17:17,386 --> 00:17:19,187
Mm...
427
00:17:29,064 --> 00:17:30,298
(gasps)
428
00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:33,167
Mom? Why are
you here?
429
00:17:36,005 --> 00:17:37,005
I was worried.
430
00:17:37,072 --> 00:17:38,406
I thought I would find...
431
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,942
What, me flashing my boobs
on unripemelons.com?
432
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:42,110
What? No.
433
00:17:42,177 --> 00:17:43,611
It doesn't matter
what I thought.
434
00:17:43,679 --> 00:17:45,246
I'm sorry I spied on you.
435
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:48,416
But what I found is,
my daughter looks up to me.
436
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:49,884
Well, of course I do.
437
00:17:49,952 --> 00:17:51,869
I look up to both
my parents.
438
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:56,107
Could somebody FedEx me
a prayer mat? And quick!
439
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:58,109
But I especially
look up to you.
440
00:17:58,177 --> 00:17:59,961
Mm...
441
00:18:00,029 --> 00:18:01,863
(dance music playing)
442
00:18:03,132 --> 00:18:05,500
This is where
my father is.
443
00:18:09,471 --> 00:18:11,306
He froze himself
because he was sick
444
00:18:11,373 --> 00:18:13,041
and there was no cure.
445
00:18:13,108 --> 00:18:14,575
Are they working on one?
446
00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:16,444
Oh, they found it--
but don't tell him.
447
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,162
This is way cheaper
than a nursing home.
448
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,163
(beep)
449
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:21,566
Aah! What the heck!
(stammers)
450
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,935
Dad, these are
your great-grandsons.
451
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,604
Eh, I don't see
what's great about 'em.
452
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:29,741
And, Homer, you're still a big
disappointment, because...
453
00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:31,175
See you next Christmas!
454
00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:32,010
(beeping)
455
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,311
(yells)
(whirring)
456
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:35,246
Why did you bring
us here, Homer?
457
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,781
To prove a point:
458
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,117
everyone thinks
their dad's a jerk,
459
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:40,618
and everyone's right,
460
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:44,756
but when you get older, you
realize how much you love him.
461
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,524
Your dad may be
a little immature,
462
00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:48,209
but I know he loves you.
463
00:18:48,277 --> 00:18:50,644
So you ought
to give him a chance.
464
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,680
(panting)
Oh. Boys...
465
00:18:52,748 --> 00:18:54,248
I have acted like
a ten-year-old
466
00:18:54,316 --> 00:18:55,783
for the last 30 years,
467
00:18:55,851 --> 00:18:57,885
and I swear to you,
I will grow up
468
00:18:57,953 --> 00:18:59,687
and act like a 20-year-old,
469
00:18:59,755 --> 00:19:01,823
the way a divorced
40-year-old should.
470
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,826
You're gonna have to
do better than that.
471
00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:09,530
Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad,
I live in a school,
472
00:19:09,598 --> 00:19:11,032
it's Christmas.
473
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:15,836
The only thing worth
anything in my life is you.
474
00:19:17,139 --> 00:19:19,340
(sobbing):
Oh, Dad.
475
00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,609
You've taught us
the meaning of Christmas,
476
00:19:21,677 --> 00:19:24,062
which schools are forbidden
to tell us anymore.
477
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,698
Mmm...
478
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:29,450
Is it snowing
down here?
479
00:19:29,518 --> 00:19:31,352
No, one of the
freezers is busted.
480
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,287
(electrical crackling)
If those kids
481
00:19:33,355 --> 00:19:35,356
can forgive that
train wreck of a father,
482
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,141
then maybe I can forgive...
483
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:39,177
You quit drinking
like a coward!
484
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,646
The one thing you
were good at, and...
485
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,449
Mm. Oh... (groans)
486
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:46,884
...lawn-chair breakin'...
487
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,519
hair-losing...
488
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:49,954
Marge-lovin'...
489
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,457
barometer-droppin'...
490
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:53,991
father-freezin'...
491
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,494
but you'd always
come and get me
492
00:19:56,562 --> 00:19:58,863
when I wandered
out on the freeway.
493
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,998
(sobs)
'Cause deep down,
494
00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:04,952
you couldn't bear
to see me smushed.
495
00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:06,788
Oh, I love you, Dad.
496
00:20:08,023 --> 00:20:09,257
SANTA:
Ho... Ho...
497
00:20:09,324 --> 00:20:11,325
Everyone!
498
00:20:11,393 --> 00:20:12,977
It's a girl!
499
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:15,513
So, who's the father?
500
00:20:17,032 --> 00:20:18,566
Eh, it doesn't matter.
501
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,636
If there's one day a year
to give unwed mother's a break,
502
00:20:21,703 --> 00:20:22,854
it's Christmas.
503
00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:26,357
Okay, everyone,
504
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:28,926
smile while the pets
take our picture.
505
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:31,929
Hmm, funny how they
evolved and we didn't.
506
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:35,997
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
507
00:21:24,404 --> 00:21:25,804
Shh!