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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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♪ Good morning, USA ♪
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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Roger, you've been mixing
that eggnog for an hour.
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Just pour it in
your pimp cup and drink it!
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It's almost ready.
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Just need to do the final test.
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Perfect.
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Look at this!
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Father Donovan's putting on
a Christmas play at the mall!
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They're doing
the entire life of Jesus...
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From baby Jesus
to awkward teenager Jesus
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with a wispy Christache,
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to the mature
and ready-to-suffer Jesus
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we all know and love.
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Are you going to audition?
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Audition?
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Francine, I'm the most devout
member of the church.
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Obviously, I'm doing the
most important role:
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Christ at the crucifixion.
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When it comes to Christianity,
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that's pretty much your money shot.
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Christianity...
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My favorite deadbeat Dad story.
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Check it... God fathers this kid
and then disappears.
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And then,
when the kid becomes famous,
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God wants him to come live with him.
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Exact same thing happened to Shaq.
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He did a rap about it called,
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"my biological didn't bother."
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My religion is the very
foundation of who I am
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and I won't have you
disrespecting it!
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You... you have a-a pimple coming in
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under the skin on your nose.
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I would say it's got two weeks
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Is everything okay, Jeff?
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You cried a lot more than usual
during sex this morning.
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Sorry, babe, I have a lot on my mind.
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I've been thinking a lot and...
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I think we should have a baby.
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What?
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Yeah, we have so much love to give.
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Plus, sometimes I feel broken inside
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and having a baby fixes everything.
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Jeff, I don't want to have kids.
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I have no maternal instincts.
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I only have animal instincts...
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Eating, pooping,
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lying down before it rains.
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Morning, Father.
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I know you want me to
portray Jesus on the cross,
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and I hereby officially accept.
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Oh, Stan,
you can't play Jesus.
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What do you mean? I'm the most
devout member of your flock.
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Portraying Jesus has nothing
to do with religious devotion.
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It's all about the abs.
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What?!
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You're too fat.
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Look at any crucifix.
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Jesus is always shredded.
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I'm a perfect Jesus!
Look!
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Well, that's just great!
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Now what am I supposed to burn
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on my ethnic neighbor's lawn?
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Look, you can't be Jesus.
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But I got something even better.
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Fireman Jesus?
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No. Santa Claus.
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Aw...
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Come on.
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He's jolly, he employs
midgets, he's real.
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Look, these Bratz dolls...
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Last year he gave
them to me, for free.
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Okay.
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Attaboy.
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Hard to believe this is
the suit Earl died in.
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Um... wha...
What is that?
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Don't be mad.
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It's just...
I wanted a kid so bad,
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and I saw this orphanage and...
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Hayley, meet our son.
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I named him after my favorite
character in literature, Nemo...
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From the novelization of
the film Finding Nemo.
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You adopted a child
without asking me?!
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I have grandchildren?!
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Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
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I thought my only chance was if Steve
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got raped by a confused lesbian!
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This is crazy!
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Jeff, take that kid back right now!
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No! I want a son to
carry on my legacy...
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My Subaru legacy.
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Adoption takes years.
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How did you get a kid so fast?
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I don't know...
End-of-month clearance?
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They seemed real happy
to get rid of him.
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Maybe there's something
wrong with him.
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Aw, look, babe.
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He's smiling at you.
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Well, tell him to stop.
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Leave me alone, baby!
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You're my baby!
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You're my baby,
and I love you so much!
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Oh, God!
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Who's that?
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We're grandparents!
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Steve was raped
by a confused lesbian?
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Okay, what do you want, little boy?
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Um, let me think about it.
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Hey, you're not a child.
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Don't worry about it.
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You can't be here.
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Come on, man, I waited in line.
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Let me just sit here for a minute.
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Get off me!
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No, I'm almost done, man.
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Almost done with what?
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Don't worry about it.
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The Christmas play.
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I want to see this Jesus.
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Good lord!
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♪ ♪
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Yes, my son?
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Roger!
What are you doing?!
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Well, you were talking so much
about this, it sounded like fun.
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It's not, but it was a good
excuse to work on my abs.
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And my savior bulge.
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This is sacrilege!
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You have no respect
for this religion!
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Hey, could you take it down a notch?
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You're ruining my buzz.
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You're drunk?!
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Hell yeah, man.
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That's it!
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You're ugly.
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Oh, Hayley, stop!
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Yo bitch-crying is going to be
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in the background
of this entire video.
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But I love him so much!
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Oh, my God, what happened to you?
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I sat next to Courtney love
on the bus and she sneezed.
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Uh... guys?
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... when a deranged mall Santa
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suddenly attacked the church
volunteer portraying Jesus.
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It's not what it looks like!
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I was defending Christmas!
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I was defending Jesus!
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... Santa continued the assault
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while shouting anti-jesuslurs.
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You don't deserve
to be on that cross,
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you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!
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Are you watching this?
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I wasn't slurring Jesus,
I was talking about Roger!
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This just in: The assailant
has now been identified as...
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Oh, for God's sake...
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Stan Smith of Langley falls.
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Yello?
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Dad, it's Father Donovan.
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He sounds punitive.
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Look, Stan, I actually
think what you did
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was really, really funny.
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But Christian leaders around
the world saw you on TV,
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and they've been chewing
my ass off nonstop.
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I'm sorry, Stan, but I'm going
to have to kick you out.
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I can't go to your church anymore?
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No, Stan, you're kicked out
of Christianity.
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You can't go into any church.
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No! Well, there must be some way
to get back in!
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Well, there are three,
but they're tough:
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You'd have to find the holy grail
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or kill the antichrist
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or donate ten million
dollars to charity...
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That's how Jared from
subway got back in.
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I can't do any of those things!
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I'm sorry, Stan,
there's nothing I can do.
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You are officially excommunicated.
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Turn in your badge.
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Uh, wait, Stan!
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Should I grow a mustache?
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What, uh... what do hookers like?
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That punch, right there.
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That's the punch where
everything went black
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and I was finally
able to achieve orgasm.
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Oh...
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I've been excommunicated.
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What?!
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A man without his religion is...
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Nothing.
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Dad, if religion's
so important to you,
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why don't you just find another one?
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You mean change religions?
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Sure, people do it all the time.
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Muhammad Ali changed religions
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00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:04,169
and became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
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I don't want another
religion, I want my religion.
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I know, honey, but the thing is,
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you already kind of
screwed yourself there.
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Good-bye, amusing
religious Tchotchkes.
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00:09:18,273 --> 00:09:20,784
I'll especially miss you,
Christ-in-the-box.
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Hello, buddy.
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You're sad for grandpa, too.
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Come here, good boy!
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He's the antichrist!
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00:09:45,183 --> 00:09:46,910
Stan, you need to cheer up.
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Here, have some caramel corn.
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I made it just for you.
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00:09:51,156 --> 00:09:54,001
No, Trevor, we didn't
re-gift your popcorn!
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It was just here yesterday...
I don't know where it went.
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00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:57,537
You know what?
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00:09:57,662 --> 00:09:59,406
You guys are worse than Connor!
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00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:01,975
Forget the caramel corn.
220
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,377
This is fantastic!
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00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:05,045
I can become a Christian again!
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00:10:05,170 --> 00:10:07,649
All I have to do is
murder my grandson!
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00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:17,106
It says six-six-six.
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00:10:17,231 --> 00:10:18,493
He's the antichrist!
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00:10:18,767 --> 00:10:20,460
You have to be absolutely positive
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00:10:20,585 --> 00:10:23,230
the toddler is the antichrist
before you kill it.
227
00:10:23,355 --> 00:10:25,583
Boy, I have learned
that the hard way.
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00:10:25,957 --> 00:10:28,001
We could go to the orphanage,
check his files.
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00:10:28,126 --> 00:10:29,786
Maybe they'll tell us
where he came from.
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00:10:29,911 --> 00:10:32,889
That was the worst
caroling I've ever done.
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00:10:33,014 --> 00:10:34,926
But some of my best tagging.
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00:10:37,886 --> 00:10:39,429
Jeff, I need you to
take us to the orphanage
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00:10:39,554 --> 00:10:41,064
where you got Nemo.
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00:10:41,189 --> 00:10:43,518
I'm trying to prove he's the
antichrist, so I can kill him.
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00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:45,770
Okay.
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00:10:46,061 --> 00:10:48,572
While you're there,
give the cutest one this.
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00:10:48,697 --> 00:10:50,231
And give the ugliest one this.
238
00:10:51,716 --> 00:10:52,659
You're coming with us, Roger.
239
00:10:52,784 --> 00:10:53,894
You got me into this mess,
240
00:10:54,019 --> 00:10:55,512
you're gonna help get me out of it.
241
00:10:55,637 --> 00:10:58,283
If I'm to go anywhere, I need to...
242
00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,683
How do I put this?
243
00:10:59,808 --> 00:11:02,662
Wipe. Better.
244
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:09,092
Yep, the whole place went up
in flames last Friday.
245
00:11:09,217 --> 00:11:11,962
The day after Jeff adopted Nemo.
246
00:11:14,356 --> 00:11:17,134
And the day before I had
my cholesterol checked.
247
00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:18,928
My LDL was high.
248
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:22,013
My HDL was also high,
but that's good.
249
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:26,183
Split up. Look for anything that
can tell us more about Nemo.
250
00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:47,197
Stan, meet me out front!
251
00:11:47,322 --> 00:11:49,417
I found something so important
it's crazy!
252
00:12:16,217 --> 00:12:17,644
Father Donovan!
253
00:12:17,769 --> 00:12:19,629
I can't feel my legs.
254
00:12:19,754 --> 00:12:21,655
Are they okay?
255
00:12:24,142 --> 00:12:25,385
They're fine, you're good.
256
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:27,420
You were right, Stan.
257
00:12:27,545 --> 00:12:30,624
Nemo is the son of Satan,
born of a jackal.
258
00:12:36,254 --> 00:12:39,733
Oh, my God, Nemo!
259
00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:42,068
It's "omen" spelled backwards!
260
00:12:42,193 --> 00:12:43,503
He is the antichrist!
261
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:49,276
But... you picked the name "Nemo."
262
00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:50,853
That... that doesn't make any sense.
263
00:12:51,019 --> 00:12:52,979
Nemo will find his way
264
00:12:53,104 --> 00:12:55,148
to political power and destroy
the world.
265
00:12:55,273 --> 00:12:59,119
You must get the sacred daggers
of Tel Megiddo from the Vatican.
266
00:12:59,244 --> 00:13:01,989
Only they can kill the son of Satan.
267
00:13:02,213 --> 00:13:03,256
Are you sure?
268
00:13:03,381 --> 00:13:06,409
Yes. I read it on Wikipedia.
269
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,912
I also read that,
before making it big,
270
00:13:09,037 --> 00:13:11,748
Jon Bon Jovi toiled in
a women's shoe store
271
00:13:11,873 --> 00:13:16,653
and fronted a band called John
Bon Jovi and the wild ones.
272
00:13:16,778 --> 00:13:18,588
Father Donovan!
273
00:13:18,713 --> 00:13:20,557
We have to get to the Vatican
274
00:13:20,682 --> 00:13:22,893
and make sure he didn't die in vain.
275
00:13:23,018 --> 00:13:27,014
Before joining Bon Jovi in 1983,
276
00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:31,051
drummer Tico Torres toured
with a variety of performers,
277
00:13:31,176 --> 00:13:36,497
including Chuck Berry
and Kenny... Loggins.
278
00:13:40,001 --> 00:13:41,779
Come on!
279
00:13:44,531 --> 00:13:45,450
Steve!
280
00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:48,568
Hey, Dad.
So I went to Dr. Smid,
281
00:13:48,693 --> 00:13:51,304
and he confirmed that my vision
is getting worse.
282
00:13:51,429 --> 00:13:53,640
It had plateaued at seven
diopters, but now...
283
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:56,176
Nemo is the antichrist!
284
00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:59,112
But now it looks like
it's at nine diop...
285
00:13:59,237 --> 00:14:01,948
We're flying to the Vatican to
get sacred daggers to kill him.
286
00:14:02,073 --> 00:14:05,385
Keep an eye on that kid,
and be careful.
287
00:14:05,510 --> 00:14:08,054
Nemo! Oh, I didn't know you were...
288
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:16,189
I live to serve thee, oh,
Prince of the Sulphury void.
289
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:18,932
Hey, Steve, did I
leave my swim trunks...
290
00:14:19,057 --> 00:14:21,892
I'll come back later!
291
00:14:27,282 --> 00:14:30,928
We have to find the daggers of
Tel Meggido so we can kill Nemo.
292
00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:34,865
Can we go?
I'm thirsty.
293
00:14:34,990 --> 00:14:36,851
I read that most of
the ancient artifacts
294
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:38,669
are down in the catacombs.
We have to...
295
00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:40,296
You a-no enter.
296
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:45,242
Damn it, this is my only chance
to be a Christian again!
297
00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:47,962
Roger, you have to go in there
and get the daggers for me.
298
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,797
But I don't wanna.
299
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,866
Hey! You know how you like to do
different characters?
300
00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,601
Well, why don't you try y one
301
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,977
who's really excited about
helping me?
302
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:58,272
You mean a persona that's
on board and enthusiastic?
303
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,307
You want Roland Chang.
304
00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:03,010
Super positive Asian.
305
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:04,070
Let's go!
306
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,597
This is the most
important thing ever!
307
00:15:06,722 --> 00:15:08,890
You wait here, Jeff and
I will get the daggers!
308
00:15:10,859 --> 00:15:13,788
Enjoy-a your visit.
309
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,998
How good are meatballs?
310
00:15:20,369 --> 00:15:22,413
Okay, these are the catacombs.
311
00:15:22,538 --> 00:15:25,416
Look for anything that could
be seven sacred daggers.
312
00:15:25,541 --> 00:15:26,901
Or any empty boxes.
313
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:29,176
My friend Forrest is moving
and he needs boxes.
314
00:15:43,775 --> 00:15:46,036
Jeff, you don't do coke, do you?
315
00:15:46,161 --> 00:15:47,872
Cool. Me neither.
316
00:15:47,997 --> 00:15:50,533
Look out!
317
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:55,871
Jeff!
318
00:15:56,037 --> 00:15:58,457
What?
319
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,056
Oh, good, you're all here.
320
00:16:06,181 --> 00:16:07,725
I hate to break it to you,
321
00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:10,219
but you have a moisture
problem in your vents.
322
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:18,894
Now, I can give you an estimate
for the work based on... hiyaah!
323
00:16:19,194 --> 00:16:22,815
Come on, go, go, go, we got the daggers,
Jeff died, run, run, run!
324
00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:25,926
Mene mene tekel.
Satana satana.
325
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:28,154
Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
326
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:31,198
Steve, stop babbling
at your sister in Aramaic.
327
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,159
It's a dead language.
328
00:16:36,512 --> 00:16:38,998
Stan? Where have you been?
329
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,750
Wha... didn't you get my message?
330
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,276
What message?
331
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:43,502
Mene mene tekel.
332
00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:45,087
Steve!
333
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:47,448
Don't bother.
He's been a pill all day.
334
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,083
What's going on, Dad?
335
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,919
Nemo is the antichrist.
He killed Father Donovan,
336
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:54,188
and now we have to
stab him with sacred daggers.
337
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:55,431
Oh, and Jeff died.
338
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:56,641
Jeff is dead?!
339
00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:02,563
Nemo turned Steve into
an apostate of Satan!
340
00:17:02,729 --> 00:17:04,765
He's probably just hungry.
341
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:07,501
Steve, I just did a big
trader Joe's run.
342
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:09,803
Pour yourself some unsweetened
cherry juice,
343
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:13,707
maybe have it with some
sunflower paste on a flax crisp.
344
00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:16,977
There's also a scallop Shu Mai
that tastes like nothing
345
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:20,122
and a mushroom flatbread pizza
that smells like nut sack.
346
00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:24,543
Oh, my God!
347
00:17:26,845 --> 00:17:29,356
See? Nemo's the son of Satan.
We have to destroy him!
348
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:32,635
No! He is my child!
349
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:38,165
You're not getting past super
positive Asian Roland Chang.
350
00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:39,308
Hiyah!
351
00:17:45,748 --> 00:17:47,817
Demon grab!
352
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:50,444
Oh, honey, I forgot to tell you,
Martha invited us to...
353
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,880
The hell spawn must die!
354
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:54,448
I won't let you kill him!
355
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:58,869
Mene mene tekel!
Mene mene satana satana!
356
00:17:59,035 --> 00:18:00,928
♪ ♪
357
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:08,629
Now is your chance to destroy
those figurines you hate.
358
00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:13,801
Oh, no, Greg!
They broke the figurines!
359
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:18,405
Don't touch my Satan baby!
360
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:22,643
Hell hound!
361
00:18:25,554 --> 00:18:28,165
Clancy? Clancy?
362
00:18:28,290 --> 00:18:30,134
You okay, boy?
363
00:18:30,259 --> 00:18:31,602
Hello?
364
00:18:31,727 --> 00:18:33,737
I'm looking for my service dog.
365
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,939
Are there people here?
366
00:18:36,064 --> 00:18:39,510
Any help at all would be
greatly appreciated.
367
00:18:39,635 --> 00:18:42,579
I kind of feel like I can
hear people breathing.
368
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:47,184
No? I'm just talking to myself here?
369
00:18:47,309 --> 00:18:48,910
Oh, okay.
370
00:18:49,377 --> 00:18:51,779
Well, I guess if I stick
to the sidewalk, I'll be fine.
371
00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:57,928
Mene mene!
Ah!
372
00:18:58,053 --> 00:19:00,639
Mene mene! Mene mene!
373
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:15,070
Now let's kill this baby, together!
374
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:22,203
Forgive me!
375
00:19:22,478 --> 00:19:25,923
Ah! You dumb son of a...!
No, that's not who Roland is.
376
00:19:26,048 --> 00:19:28,209
Hey, you're doing great!
377
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:32,129
Stop! I'll shoot you, Dad, I swear!
378
00:19:40,445 --> 00:19:42,014
Dad, you're awake!
379
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:46,393
Steve... you're not
an apostate of Satan anymore.
380
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,629
Yeah! Aside from the vivid nightmares
381
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:51,098
steadily pushing me towards
madness, I feel great!
382
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:53,333
Jeff?!
I thought you drowned.
383
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,436
Nope.
All right.
384
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:57,438
Oh my God, where's Nemo?
385
00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:00,641
Did I kill him?
Did I kill the antichrist?
386
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:01,659
No, Dad.
387
00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:04,111
So I failed.
388
00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:06,213
I'm not back in the church.
389
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:07,748
No, I got you back in.
390
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:11,452
You know my pimp cup that I sip
purple drink and eggnog out of?
391
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:13,712
- Turns out it's the holy grail.
- Nice.
392
00:20:13,929 --> 00:20:16,140
But what about Nemo?
We have to destroy him.
393
00:20:16,265 --> 00:20:19,426
I can't let you do that, Dad,
so I sent him someplace
394
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,554
far away, where
you'll never find him.
395
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:23,464
Nemo will find his way
396
00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:26,600
to political power
and destroy the world!
397
00:20:26,766 --> 00:20:29,812
Oh, good night there,
you little blessing, you.
398
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:34,158
Pretty soon, we'll all be
sleeping in the white house.
399
00:20:34,283 --> 00:20:37,127
Mrs. Palin, your new issue of
Highlights magazine has arrived.
400
00:20:37,252 --> 00:20:38,452
Ooh!
401
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,825
I'll see you again, Stan Smith!
402
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:54,044
When the rapture comes!
403
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:08,408
Baby antichrist says,
"blessings to you and yours
404
00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:11,251
on this most joyous
of holiday seasons."
405
00:21:11,376 --> 00:21:13,981
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com