Nobody at home, mate. They're all at a funeral.
Tony McQueen, Head of Permits Bureau. Oh, not council, are you?
No, not at all. Privatised Bureau.
I had an appointment with one of the directors, Sharon Whitehead.
You couldn't ask her to give me a call, could you?
Might be a bit awkward.
It's her funeral.
'Well, what can I say about Shazza?'
The first time she came to see me at the Board of Business and Trade
with Jackie and Elaine, dressed to death, marched in like she owned the place.
And they're shouting their gobs off about setting up this women's-only taxi service.
Well, my instincts were, "We've got a right bunch of bleeding nutters here."
MUTED LAUGHTER
But I didn't reckon with Shazza, did I! What a woman, eh?
What a bundle of fun.
Nobody who met Shazza could fail to fall under her spell.
One in a million, that girl.
Now I know that Jackie and Elaine and Shazza's daughter Witney
have vowed to carry on with the launch of Candy Cabs in her memory,
and that's because it's a bleeding great idea.
I'm just gutted I didn't think of it myself.
So I salute you, Shazza.
You were not just a woman,
you were a bloody force of nature!
Thank you, Mr Monkford.
And to play us out, here's one of Sharon's favourite songs.
Which, I'm given to understand, is something of a classic.
♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb
♪ You're my sex bomb You can give it to me
♪ When I need to come along
♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb
♪ And baby you can turn me on. ♪
WITNEY SOBS
♪ Please don't let me fall in love
♪ Too late, you're hooked, I'm afraid
♪ A heart is hard to persuade
♪ I won't let you
♪ There is nothing you can do
♪ Please don't let me fall in love. ♪
Anyone fancy a tart? Or a mini quiche?
Seven and a half months we've done! Bloody hell, Elaine.
Yup. You're still OK with it?
What's this? Second thoughts?
No! You? No!
I am so scared, you wouldn't believe.
Flipping heck, so am I! We can't back out now.
I bet if we told the garage what'd happened to Shaz, a heart attack...
They'll never give us a refund.
Who in their right mind is going to buy half a dozen bright pink cabs?
Oh, don't tell me! It's off. You're chickening out, as usual!
I don't know! Let's think about it rationally.
I don't need to, I'm in! Always have been.
♪ My tears dry on their own
♪ He walks away the sun goes down... ♪
So, how's bachelor life?
Couldn't believe it when Elaine told me you and Jackie had split up.
You're not the only one.
Let's just say I must have missed an urgent memo.
Subject "You're a really crap husband and I hate you."
♪ My tears dry on their own. ♪
APPLAUSE
Do a fabulous three-meat carvery here.
You'd love it. All you can eat.
This'll go to waste if we don't tuck in.
Have you seen what cat's spewed up?
Oh, it can't be... Babycakes!
Who's he?
Shazza's ex. Dennis the Menace.
Dennis the Bastard.
Whoa, whoa. That's your daughter, over there!
Oh!
Babycakes...
Daddy's home!
14 years of Sangria must have killed a few brain cells.
Can't believe he didn't recognise his own daughter.
Never was gonna dress as Batman and hang off the Houses of Parliament.
Me and Jacks have been talking about the business, credit crunch and all...
Oh, thank God, Elaine. You're gonna pack it in? I've been worried sick.
Knew you wouldn't go through with it. Well, I mean, you and Jacks...
What about us? Just can't imagine you and her in partnership.
I mean, she's the chocolate sprinkles, isn't she, Mum?
She means in one of them four-quid cups of coffee.
So what am I in this big, exotic cup of coffee? You?
Well, you're solid and dependable.
Not frivolous. You'd be the mug.
Or the water. No, I know.
You'd be the cloud that makes the rain that makes the water.
The big, fat cloud, eh?
Learn that in Business Studies, did you? No! She's just...
Well, you're no Donald Trump, are you, love?
Who needs all that aggro at our time of life?
Thanks for the vote of confidence, everyone.
All I was going to say is, we have to cut back on the nibbles at our launch,
spend the money on more wine! And PS, Dave, our time of life?
I'm 37. Not exactly blowing all the housekeeping on Tena Ladies just yet. Mum!
Don't!
9.00 tomorrow morning, Cunninghams. You're right.
We're signing for those cabs.
Cos Shazza dying has made me realise I'm not living, just existing.
A few laughs and a couple of nights out before the next Slimfast. There's got to be more than this!
So... I'm in.
And by the way,
I saw the ciggie!
Sharon Bernadette Elvira Whitehead,
I could murder you for dying!
Who drops dead in ASDA by the reduced bread section?
See what happens when you try to save money?
We had plans, me and you.
Stuff to do.
Who's going to do mad things with me now, eh?
Lainey?
God love her, but she has a hypo if her duffel coat's done up too tight.
Suppose you're up there now, eh, snogging Elvis.
Steve McQueen...
Ooh, or that bloke from INXS.
Ooh.
It's the big day tomorrow.
It's not gonna be the same without you, though, kid, eh?
You always led the way, we followed.
Our Diana Ross.
Me and Lainey, just a pair of backing singers.
Here's to you, Shazza, my darling, wherever you are.
Never forgotten.
By the way, I'm not texting you any more, cos you never text back!
HORNS BEEP
HORN HONKS
SHE SIGHS
Eurgh...
Mum...
MUM!
Mum, my PE shorts are soaking! And before you say anything, they can't go in the dryer, they'll shrink.
Sophie's mum irons all her stuff the night before.
Whoopee for Sophie!
I've got Dad a book. Oh... Parenting A Child Through The Pain Of Separation.
And... I've got one for you, too.
LOUD BUZZING
Thank you, darling. What is that flaming noise?
You have got to be joking!
SHE SHRIEKS GLEEFULLY
Shaz was right, insisting they were pink. This is dead classy.
'Hello! No, not really, I'm busy. Wait for the beep thing.'
She must be stuck in traffic.
Anyone want their photo taken? Might be the last chance.
Oh, that's lovely, that. You're her sister-in-law. You're supposed to be more supportive.
Suppose Ken might buy one for Barbie. Ha-ha. Ha.
I can't believe you've talked me into this and you're not even here!
Where the hell are you?
MOBILE RINGS
Come on, Barry!
For putting the house up for sale behind my back! I haven't seen you since the funeral.
I could hardly talk about it then.
You knew I went to see a solicitor. You've ignored every letter.
I am in the middle of starting up my new business and my best mate just died.
Well, pardon me for not whizzing off a nice typed response for Knobhead, Dickhead and Tosser.
So you just thought you'd make your wife and child homeless. No. I thought I'd get some equity.
I can't hack this any more, Jacks.
Four months in this hellhole, I need to move on.
I need Wi-Fi!
I'm sick of sitting in meetings stinking of chicken Biryani.
The sales team are starting to call me Korma Kid.
It's not funny! I'm up for Regional Management. Wind your neck in, Barry.
You're running a suburban mobile phone shop. You're not Richard bleeding Branson!
Is that what the beard's for, is it, look like Branson?
Monica?
Hello, Monica.
I'm Jackie, Barry's wife.
Shall we sort out the financial side, while we're waiting for Mrs O'Sullivan?
I'd rather wait for my partner, if it's all the same.
I just want to know, you've changed your mind. Fine.
Maybe it's for the best.
But you better get down here and let Cunninghams know we're cancelling
and tell the girls they've got no jobs.
Jackie O'Bloody Sullivan!
Keep your wig on. Keep your wig on.
Small domestic crisis. Barry has put the house up for sale
and I've just found out he's got a secret girlfriend.
That a good enough excuse for ya?
And she's about 47 and wears popsocks!
Hello. Right, where's this bloody contract?
Right everyone, back to HQ.
Last one home buys the jaffa cakes!
Oi, you'll not need a tannoy with YOUR big gob!
Can you reach? Aye.
There you go. Looks good.
Hi, Alex. Nice bodywork.
Yogalates twice a week.
I wouldn't mind working up a sweat with Dave's brother.
Behave yourself. You've got Spanx older than him.
Hey, Dave, you gotta check out these cabs. All right, fellas?
Ooh, bit scratchy these, Stell.
Oh, stop moaning. 100% Mongolian nylon these, you know.
Pink suits me. Matches my thong.
What? Emmeline Pankhurst threw herself under a train so I could do this. I thought it was a bus.
Bloody hell, it was an 'orse, and we are Candy Cabs, we're not Kate Moss.
Does my arse look big in these kecks?!
Stell.. This is an XXL.
I asked for XXXL. For comfort.
Six cabs?
How will you run a 24-hour taxi firm with half a dozen cars? That's all we could afford.
You bought brand new cars! You told me you were leasing.
Can't lease custom-made vehicles, Dave. You should know that.
We've had make-up mirrors, curlers wired in, straighteners, the lot.
Oh, brilliant! God forbid anyone gets frizzy hair!
How the hell have you afforded all this?
Shazza put some cash in and we took out a business loan out for the rest.
Anyway, I don't have to discuss any of this with you. If you don't mind, Dave, I've got work to do. Oh!
You still haven't told him you've remortgaged? Don't be stupid.
Thought not. Oh...
I can't breath. Not here.
Excuse us, ladies. Directors Meeting. Executive Boardroom, now.
What's all that about?
All right, keep calm, where is it? Our five-fingered friend.
Right. Calm! Calm!
Calm, breath! Now it's five in... and nine out.
Five in...
OK...
Better?
Well, I thought you'd have told him by now.
Sorry, sorry!
Right, do you want me to have a word?
I'll go over there now... Oh God, what have I done!
What possessed me? We could lose our home!
It won't come to that. We've just had the patio relaid!
It'll be fine. He probably wishes he'd buried me under it now!
Right, stop it now. Calm down. Slow it down, you're becoming hysterical. Concentrate! Look at me.
Shazza used to say we'd all end up in the nursing home
and all we'd have to do is talk about the nutty stuff we'd done.
How we needed stories to look back and laugh at.
Well, losing our homes, going bankrupt'll take our mind off the pureed prunes for half an hour!
If we haven't been sectioned!
Oh, stop. It's going to be fabbo! Right?
It's going to be like two-timing George Clooney with Brad Pitt.
We are going to make it brilliant.
You, me... and the Magic Glove.
Now breathe!
Witney, what you messing around with all that for?
Got the real deal here, love.
Not as hot as Banus, mind you, but it's good for a top-up.
I'll tell you, the Spanish have got it sorted. Sun, sea and San Miguel.
It's about living, not working.
I respect that.
Sounds like you're dying to go back.
Eh, you're not trying to get rid of me already, are you, Babycakes?
A phone call at Christmas or a birthday card wouldn't have gone amiss.
Oh, pet... The amount of times I thought about
jacking it all in, jumping on a plane, just to have five minutes with my little princess.
I were a coward.
I were frightened, Witney.
I'd thought you'd be calling someone else Daddy. Well, I weren't.
Dad, all those years... Can't dwell on the past, Babycakes.
If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, if I could take back all those...
HORNS HONK
CHEERING
Thought he'd have been extradited by now.
Must be trying to get his mitts on Shazza's sea-front mansion. Hey, you.
What d'you think, Pardner?
My Mum would've been made up with these. Honest, she'd have loved them.
So are you gonna come for a drive then, eh? Time to tear up this town!
I'm gonna spend the day with my dad today.
Sunshine, vitamin UV and some quality time with her daddy, that's all she needs.
All right then, another time, eh?
Thank you anyway. See you later.
Have a good day.
Your mum working with that lot, was she?
Yeah, she was the one who set it all up.
Always full of bright ideas, our Shaz...
We're Candy Cabs!
Don't delay, join today. Free membership for all new customers.
Especially you! You'd look good in one of our cabs!
3,000 members... Do you think we can do it?
Course we can!
We're Candy Cabs, the new all-women taxi Company.
Free membership to all new customers.
You don't need cash, put credit on your Candy Cabs account.
Oi. Sexy!
Not you! Ha-ha!
THEY LAUGH
Pro - we should make loads of money.
Con - we might lose loads of money.
Pro - it's a great idea.
Con - I took out a loan for an extension.
I forged Dave's signature. He might find out.
I've lost nearly half a stone with the worry.
Pro, I'll lose more weight when we lose the house and end up in the back of a taxi!
My God, what have I done?
OK, girls. How many members have we signed up?
Just to the nearest hundred. Over.
Hello?
Anybody out there?
SHE SIGHS
Three days of smiling and all we've got to show for it is 67 poxy members!
It's our launch party tomorrow! We could have it in a phone box!
Stop panicking. It takes time. It's all about name awareness.
You've got to... They can't just have left it half-finished!
I'll wring their scraggy necks! Elaine. They just got off.
They said you were supposed to pay them the rest this morning. Sorry.
Hi. Tony McQueen, Head of the Permits Bureau.
How's it going? How does it look like it's going?
We'll be up and running tomorrow. We're having our launch party. You should come.
Cheers, I will. So when are you planning on being operational?
I could take you home right now.
If you were a member. And a woman.
So all your drivers have passed The Knowledge?
Oh, they don't need to. No, cos we're a private members' club.
You're running taxis and that means passing The Knowledge.
Merv Monkford never mentioned it.
Sadly, it's nothing to do with Merv, whoever he is. It's up to me.
Right. Great. Got no choice, have we?
We better put in for it, then. I'm afraid it's only held once a month
and it's completely booked up. Sorry. Can you just excuse us for a moment? Thanks.
I thought you'd checked all this out?
I did. None of those blokes who do the airport runs, none of them have got taxi permits.
And that's how far you looked into it?! Excuse me.
I was the money, Shaz was the cars and you were the staff.
No, I was the staff, you were the money and Shaz was the cars. That's what I said!
Fine. So it's Shazza's fault! So what do we do now? Not trade for another month? OK, stop.
How about I pull a few strings?
Why would you want to help us?
I don't know. Must be your winning smile.
Just bring a cheque payable to the Permits Bureau. £125.
Per driver.
Great. Next.
South Hadley A&E to Greystokes Leisure Centre.
What kind of stupid question is that?
Oh, I've just broken my leg, I know - I'll go and do a Body Pump class.
Might be one of the doctors going to yoga. A surgeon.
They get very stressed. Hello! Can you just give me the route, please?
Waste of time - we're getting Sat Navs.
Why didn't you ask the others to come and help out?
We'll be here all night at this rate.
Because they can't find out we're skint. Some of them have given up decent jobs to work here.
Pass us a brush, then. Never could resist the smell of turps.
Ah! Partridge Brothers to the rescue, eh? Right, let's have a look at this then.
MAN: Hello?
Get out! There's no money on these premises!
Whoa! Take it easy, take it easy.
Kenny Ho.
Taxis That Go.
Oh, sorry.
Mr Ho? I always thought you were Chinese.
Just needed something that rhymed with 'go'.
By the way, you can drop the weapon, I come in peace.
Sorry!
Elaine Partridge.
I'm one of the partners.
Doesn't look like much of a taxi place.
Well, we've only just opened up. No, no, no. Meant as a compliment.
Woman's touch.
Was in the vicinity,
thought I'd introduce myself, see how you're getting on.
I remember the first week I opened.
We only had two cabs.
You must have dozens of cars by now.
234.
Can't imagine...
Still, looks like you're all sorted here.
But you ever need anything, anything at all,
you make sure you call me.
Struggling to get members, eh?
Hey, hey. Don't worry.
I'm sure things will pick up.
Arrivederci.
CHILDREN SHOUT
Kids, I said stop messing in the back!
Mum, Tommy needs the toilet.
I'm going as fast as I can. Mum, he wants a wee!
We'll be at Nan's in a mo. Mum, he's doing it in the ashtray!
I'm not going to miss that flippin' exam!
Oh, grow up, will you. We're not at school!
Sit down, please!
Where's your Di? Late - as usual.
Well, she better turn up cos we've just paid for her to sit this.
Ladies and gentlemen, you may start.
Don't ask.
Pass me a pen!
Lend me a pen!
All right, ladies. Make way. Lovely buffet, girls!
Pulled out all the stops here.
So, it's our launch party.
Your mum dreamt of this day.
Someone tried this set-up in Porta Banus, you know.
What? All women drivers? Aye, yeah. Well, catering for more the stag-do crowd.
All the birds were in the buff. Cracking idea, like. Didn't half cause a lot of accidents though.
Sounds dead classy, that. Surprised you could drag yourself away.
Me dad said I can go whenever I like.
Yeah, well, it's an open invitation, Babycakes.
It's just that I'm in between villas at the moment, so now's not...
Ooh, Mini Kievs.
He's all right.
Come on, he's trying.
You don't know him, Witney.
Yeah, but that's the point, isn't it? I need to get to know him.
Yeah.
I wish he'd just sod off back to Costa del Divvy.
Auntie Di, what happened? Where's the cab? The fella at the garage couldn't stop laughing.
I wasn't thinking and I'd just been to the car wash and then I didn't know if I was picking the baby up
or if me mum were and if she were, had I left enough milk...
Stephen Hawking talks quicker, Di. Spit it out. What's happened?
You know you said it was diesel...
You've put petrol in?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
DAVE GROANS
Thanks for the sound effects. How much to fix it?
These new engines? Hundreds.
Your flaming sister! Well, I wouldn't trust her with the remote control.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey. Ooh, do you think he's got our results?
Cor! Is that the permits guy?
It's cougar time!
Get back in ya bleeding cage! Ah. If it isn't the new wonderboy! Pleased to meet you, son.
Merv Monkford, head honcho South Hadley Board of Business & Trade.
Look, me and you, we want to get together, have a pow-wow.
I can introduce you. All right, ladies, I've got to go.
Don't forget, McQueen, get your people to ring my people, OK?
See you now, girls. All the best. Good luck, good luck.
Little does he know, I haven't got any people. So...
So, ta-dah! Results.
And... so...
everyone passed...
apart from one person.
Diane Laughton.
ALL: Oh, Diane!
No sweat. I'll just sit it again.
Yeah, if we can find another 125 quid.
You can have a few private lessons, just you and me. Hey, you sure I passed?
You want bloody arresting, you do!
Thanks, Tony.
Bye.
So, congratulations.
You're on the road.
Yeah. I'll be needing to fill out some paperwork so I can send out the badges. Mrs, Miss?
Ms?
All three. Married, but separated. Divorce pending.
So what does that make me?
Available for drinks?
OK. Let's just pretend the last 15 seconds didn't happen.
Sorry. It's just... I mean, it's only been a few months.
I'm not sure I'm ready to hit the whole dating scene.
Do they call them dates now? Haven't been out since Right Said Fred.
I'm a '90s throwback. Don't talk to me about Facebook.
Probably people just get together in a lay-by now at midnight, don't they?
No. That'd be called dogging. It doesn't really lend itself to romance.
Can I text you?
Yeah. With jokes and stuff?
Yeah.
Come on, Big Pam. Your turn.
Nice one, Pam!
Two and a half off this week. I tell you what, I'll just call it three.
Yeah! Right, girls. Who wants to try me new power drink?
Number one weight loss supplement in Sweden. Slime Shakes?
It's a misprint. Slim shakes. What you looking at me like that for?
No-one in Abba were fat, were they? Oh, you are kidding. Two on?!
THEY OINK
What the hell d'you think you're all doing? The Atkins!
You. Me. Board meeting. Now.
All right! Give us a mo, get me shoulder pads.
We are paying these girls to do nothing and you're encouraging it.
Carry on like this, we will not last the quarter.
We need to do something drastic.
Right.
Right, girls, gather round!
Nobody is using us.
We need 3,000 members to break even or we might as well pack up shop right now.
You all still want to do this, don't you? Yeah!
Right, thinking caps on. What are we going to do? More leaflets?
We've already delivered about three million! We need to get our mugs in papers.
You know when our Maria was named and shamed for shoplifting?
They were asking for her autograph down club.
Right. Give us that phone book. I'm not being fat AND broke.
Who are you calling? We need to make a splash, right?
Let everyone know that we're here, and if we're gonna fail, which we're not, we're gonna fail BIG.
Hammer time! Pump up the volume! Zig-ah-zig-ah!
Get your slap on, girls. We're going on telly.
Thought she'd lend a bit of glamour to proceedings. No offence.
Why have mutton dressed as mutton when you can have a little lamb, eh?
Cheek! I like mutton!
What they doing now? Shooting an advert?
I bloody well hope not. How much would that cost?
Speculate to accumulate. Sorted the break pads on the Mondeo yet?
Yeah. There's nothing wrong with having a dream.
If it was my missus, I'd back her 5,000,000%.
Oh, Would you? And what the flaming heck do you know about real life?
Sorry, bro, but you've spent the best part of five years
bumming round Australia and the last six months kipping on my couch. Look at you. Absolutely no worries.
Not even a bad hair day.
TV: 'Over to our business correspondent...'
Hurry up, we're on next!
I still cannot believe what you've done.
Will you give it a rest! Sssh!
We're all about making life easier for women. But this isn't a first.
There's already female-only taxi companies in London, Warrington.
Yeah. And good luck to them.
But we're Candy Cabs, and we're going places.
Yes! Yes! So, Jackie, tell us what inspired you to open up in this region?
Well, it was when we were in London and we'd been to see Mama Mia!
Anyway, we ended up using this minicab driver
who turned out not to be licensed. And things took a sinister turn, I understand? That's right, yeah.
He ended up locking all the doors and just driving us down a load of back streets,
didn't he? That must have been terrifying. What did you do?
THEY GIGGLE
I had this spray in me bag. Do you remember, Lainey?
That Athlete's Foot I had for ages?
Couldn't get rid of it. Good job.
Blasted him right in the eyes at the next set of traffic lights and legged it.
It was him or us. So he virtually kidnapped you? What a horrible ordeal.
Oh, nice one!
It's called seizing the opportunity. It's called lying on the telly!
I had to do say something, didn't I? Anyway, it's only local news.
You can say what you like, it doesn't count.
PHONE RINGS
OTHER PHONES RING
Come on, girls!
Good afternoon, Candy Cabs. Hello, Candy Cabs.
Hello. Candy Cabs, can I help you? I'll put that in for you. Thanks.
Good afternoon. Candy Cabs, how can I help you?
'Jack to Sally Ann. How's that pick-up at 64 Albert Road?
'Picking up now, Jacks. Just dropped off at the High Street.
'Nice one, Lainey. Get yourself off to 34 Park Road.
'Dropping at the hairdresser's now.
'The new one on Gosforth Road? Book me in for Saturday if it is.
'Jackie, we're supposed to be running a business!
'Clear. Going to the station to collect member 67.'
You all right, love?
HORN HONKS
Oi! Hang on, darling. What you playing at?
Can't just hijack my fare!
She's a member. She rang through. Deal with it. This is a designated rank.
See them customers? They're ours. These belong to you, too?
She's off her bleedin' head, her!
POB, Jacks.
Oh, nice shot, Kenny.
Yeah. So, you finding your feet all right, son?
Settling in well. Going great guns. You and me need to talk permits.
Well, yeah. Will do, Mr Ho. I'll make an appointment with your PA.
Bollocks to that. I do all my business out here.
Go on.
Saw those Candy Cabs girls on the telly. Clever idea, that.
Women-only drivers. They could really take off with the right backing.
Eh, Tony? Well, I don't think they need any backing. I think they're doing all right.
Oh...!
Ouch. You want to be careful there, son.
Don't get stuck in the rough. You might never get out.
OK. Andiamo.
On behalf of Candy Cabs,
we'd like to welcome you on your first journey with us.
CAR HORN BEEPS Sorry.
CAR HORN BEEPS All right!
Sorry, Elsie, love. I'll be with you in a minute. Oh, don't worry, love.
All this t'ai chi I'm doing's really chilling me out.
THEY GIGGLE
CAR HORN BEEPS
Need a hand, love?
I can manage. I'm fine, honest.
Did you want it upside down?
Oh, thanks.
No worries.
Nice motors. I suppose you must be getting a lot of second looks.
Eh, you smooth-talking devil!
You should keep your eyes on the road.
SHE CHUCKLES
I'll see you around, yeah? Evel Knievel, you take it nice and slow, eh?
Ooh.
I think you're supposed to get off it first. I'll fetch me crowbar.
Unbelievable.
Your Di has failed the Knowledge again!
So that's another 125 nicker?
I've no idea why you made her a driver, she'd have been happy to clean the toilets.
Guess what, Dave? We can't afford a cleaner! Night-night. Sweet dreams.
The whole thing's got disaster written all over it. If your sister wasn't so thick... Oh, it's my...
Aagh.
See my brother's in a good mood again!
Stick a lime in it, call it a cocktail?
I've just realised, I haven't eaten all day.
The new business diet, lose pounds.
Yeah, thousands, I heard.
Is Dave doing your head in? Nah, no more than usual.
Just forgot what a coiled spring he is.
Same as when he were a kid, only with high blood pressure. Aww.
Oh, look, I've got to go up.
The cab's fixed by the way.
I can't believe our Di put petrol in it. Stripped it, drained it, should be right as.
Ah, brilliant! Dave never said.
You did it. Oh, Alex, you've saved us a fortune.
You're all right. Anything for you.
I'll see you in the morning. Yeah, yeah. See you.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Can you fetch your mother, please?
OK. But I'm warning you, she's not really a morning person.
In fact, she's a bit of a moody mare.
Mrs O'Sullivan, the Prendergasts. They've got the 8.30.
Your husband made the appointment at the office. Did he now?
Madam, can I interest you in this week's special offer? Not right now.
Any phone for £19.99 a month and 2,000 free texts.
You're wasting your time. You can upgrade to our platinum...
Could you tell me where the manager is? Can I help with your query?
It's not a query, it's more of a death threat. If it's a complaint...
Look, it's not a complaint. It's not a query... Not here, please.
You know I love that house.
If you stand on the toilet it's practically a sea view.
If you think me and Georgie are selling up our home
so you can start a cosy love-nest with Mrs Doubtfire,
then you must think my head buttons up the back.
You call the estate agents off, Barry.
Or I swear I will walk around this shop wearing a sandwich board,
telling everyone you leave skid marks in your boxers. Hey!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, very cosy.
Nice little workplace romance, is it?
I hope you've filled out the relevant forms for Head Office, Barry.
Make sure you don't fall behind with all your... photocopying.
Paul...
Next time my wife turns up here looking even slightly demented,
just let me know first.
Oh, was that Mrs O'Sullivan, Mr O'Sullivan?
Diane has failed again?!
That's 250 nicker down the drain, Nat. What are we going to do?
What do you think? Get rid of her?
Seriously? I'll do it.
Because I'm a moron? Because I can't do anything right? No, because she's your sister-in-law.
Well, her bloke's done his back in now...
And there's kids starving in Africa.
Right. I'll go and tell her we're sacking her. Great! Marvellous!
Good. Fine. Brilliant. Oi!
Do you see this?
That's you, that is.
So childish!
The glove.
I'll probably need it.
I know you're going to moan, but Mum said start the tea, she'll be late again. Good.
I've got a little surprise for her tonight. I'm cooking a meal as a peace offering.
I've got M&S banoffee pie for pudding.
Mmm. Shouldn't that be humble pie? Um...
Oh, come on, admit it. You've been a right misery.
Yeah, well, she's being all strange and daring.
Ooh, it be witchcraft!
No, I just liked her the way she was.
Maybe she's trying to liven things up, Dad.
Mid-life crisis, lose the excess baggage.
See you later.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
No, she's not in.
Yes, this is Mr Partridge.
A home loan?
No, sorry, if this is a sales call I'm afraid you're wasting...
They were made up, seeing you on telly. Frank taped it. They've been watching it all day.
Right come on, outside all of you.
Go on, you and all. Go on, while it's nice.
I couldn't believe I mucked it up again. That one about Sherman Road to the ice rink.
But I told that Tony McQueen bloke I'll be sitting it again.
I went to the credit union to get a top-up on my loan to pay for it. Di...
They said I'd reached my limit. Frank wanted a 42-inch widescreen.
I'm sorry, Di. Me and Jackie, we've been talking and we're going to have...
No. I said I'll resit it, I'll pay for it myself.
They said Frank's back might never get better.
We just can't afford to keep you on.
Are you for real?
We're family! Let one of the others ones go!
Why should I? They all passed.
I made you a card, Auntie Lainey.
When you make loads of money, will you take us on holiday?
Dad says he fancies all-inclusive.
Our Diane's been on the phone...
crying.
And, er... the bank rang.
When were you going to tell me?
Listen, love...
Look...
I just can't be around you right now.
CAR HORN BEEPS
Don't make me get out of this taxi, I swear I'll flaming burst you!
Sorry, love, what time was your appointment?
No rush, it's not till quarter past.
Nowt serious, I hope?
I'm pregnant. Oh!
Congrats. Are you pleased?
I never thought it would happen, not at my age.
I went to a school reunion a couple of months ago.
Half of them were grannies. Been trying for years, have you?
On and off.
Then I just met someone new and...
I suppose we must've just clicked.
Well, lucky you, if it's what you've always wanted.
Now me... don't talk to me about kids!
I haven't got a maternal bone in my entire body.
You never worry you're missing out? Oh, no, I've got four lads.
Cassius, Sugar Ray, Tyson and Ian. Boys - bleeding waste of time.
Never so much as a birthday card.
Then again, they don't send me one either.
I know, darling. Well, you just be good for Nana.
Not too many sweets.
Straight to bed after Holby.
OK, love you. Bye, bye.
Come and sit down, I'll get you a drink.
How did she take it?
You did do it, didn't you?
The bank rang.
They wanted to know what day the monthly direct debit should go out. Dave took the call.
Oh, I thought I had it all covered. Even set up a new building society account, just in my name.
They had no business ringing the house!
His name was on the form.
You should've seen him, Jacks, he was like ice.
I can't blame him. I mean, I did say you should come clean, tell him.
If he'd have had an inkling, he'd have put the kibosh right on it. Then where would we be?
I know why you did it. I'm just saying, how would you feel if he'd done something like that to you?
Dave wouldn't. Dave won't even park on a single yellow.
He's got every right to do his nut. Great!
Thank you!
You've known about this for months.
I've done this huge thing for OUR business, lied to my husband.
Why have I even come round here?
Don't do the little victim act, I'm trying to make you see it from his point of view.
I've been lied to this week by Barry. I wondered how long it would take.
What? Before it turned into The Jackie Show.
Whoa, whoa...
No, you whoa, whoa, whoa! Whenever there's a crisis, you've had one worse.
Whenever there's a bloke, it's you he has to fancy, no-one else.
Well, pardon me for being assertive!
Let's all leave it to Miss Panicky Knickers, shall we?
"I can't get in a lift! I'm in IKEA and I'm not following the arrows, I'll die!
"I cannot sack my sister-in-law!" Do you think I want to have panic attacks?
It's just a lack of self-control. How hard is it to breathe?
I think I'd better go home.
And by the way,
I think he's left me.
Lainey, no, listen. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You're right, you're right.
I'm a selfish little mare, wrapped up in Planet Jackie.
Dave would never leave you.
If he did, he'd have me to flaming answer to.
Come here.
Ah, this is us.
Don't forget to keep your account topped up, love.
I've got 30 quid on there.
Right, good luck.
Cheers. Just give us a ring if you want picking up.
Oh, that's OK, I'll be getting a lift. All right.
Thanks. See you.
Member 36 dropped off, love.
Barry, you bastard!
Yes!
DOORBELL RINGS
It's not for sale, take a flaming hint.
DOORBELL RINGS
These bin men get worse.
I had it laminated myself.
Oh.
Do you personally deliver all of them?
I was just passing... Right.
Five miles in the other direction.
Do you fancy asking your mum if you can play out?
SMOKE ALARM BEEPS
Me flaming ciggies!
I've lived here how long? I never even knew this place existed.
Do you bring all your women here?
Only the ugly ones.
It's a bit cold, do you want to go back inside?
But the sun's setting.
But I thought we could play the quiz machine.
It's amazing, isn't it?
But how often do you make the time to watch it rise and set?
Life just gets in the way.
So, how has your first fortnight been?
Crapioli.
We've had no customers, no money. Nearly jacked it all in.
People love our pink cabs, though.
They're tooting their horns everywhere we go.
Well, I hope that wasn't between 11.30 and 7am in a built-up area.
No.
Hey, sweetheart, how you doing? I thought you were in town, letting your hair down with your mates?
I didn't fancy it in the end. Did you have a good night?
Yeah, I've had a great night.
I've broke my bloody heel!
You couldn't rustle us up a couple of rounds of bread and butter, could you? That'd be lovely.
This is Sheena.
Shona. You say Sheena, I say Shona.
What's she doing here? She's having a chip butty if you get a move on.
There's a good girl. Thanks, pet.
Ta, love.
That's me daughter, Witney. She wants to be a singer.
Her voice is not bad, takes that from me, but her mother couldn't hold a tune to save her life.
What did you just say? You what, pet? About my mum?
Well, she couldn't sing for toffee, could she? She was tone deaf.
Don't you dare say a bad word about my mum. I'm only having a laugh.
What are you doing? Pack it in! What's got into you? Get out! Get out! Get out!
HE BANGS THE DOOR
Witney!
I don't suppose you'd like to watch it come up?
The sun, I mean.
I didn't expect you to be quite so cheesy.
Yeah, Mozzarella Man, that's me!
Well, I've had a lovely night.
So it's the old KB, is it?
I've had a great time, Tony, but I'm just in the middle of all this...
Yeah, I know. It's...
It's complicated.
I've been through all this myself, so I know the score. You've been divorced?
As good as.
You don't want to rush into anything straight off.
All that rebound stuff just...
We can still be mates.
I can call you, we can go out for a few pints?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Mates.
I would ask you in for a coffee, but I don't do that sort of thing.
Of course not,
we hardly know each other.
ANSWER PHONE BEEPS
'I've just rang your moby, where are you? We got the money!
'The Man From Del Banky, he say "Yay!"
'I'm just having a quick drink with Jackie and Lainey then I'll be home.
'Chippy tea, sod the diet! Oh, this is going to be our year, babe!
'Oh, oh, and we're calling it Candy Cabs - top name or what?
'I told you these support knickers were lucky!
'Love you lots, Jelly Tots!'
'I've just rang your moby, where are you? We got the money!
'The Man From Del Banky, he say, "Yay"!
'Listen, I'm just having a quick drink with Jackie and Lainey then I'll be home.
'Chippy tea, sod the diet! Oh, this is going to be our year, babe!
'Oh, oh, and we're calling it Candy Cabs - top name or what?
'I told you these support knickers were lucky!
'Love you lots, Jelly Tots!'
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, my God!
What... What happened? It's Dave, he's dead, isn't he?
Mrs Partridge, it's nothing like that, relax.
We're here on behalf of our colleagues from the Met,
we need to speak to you about the allegation.
You stated that you were almost abducted by an unlicensed minicab driver in the London area?
We need to take a statement on oath, if that's convenient.
Oh, oh! What are you doing, eh?
What are you doing?
Oh! I told you I'd get the first smile of the day!
Didn't I? Didn't I?
Hey, you will never guess who come round ours last night.
Jackie O'Sullivan, you are so dead!
I've had the police banging my door down because of your stupid big gob!
Get out of me chair or you'll be eating it! Hey!
Now, now.
A bit of respect, please, for your new equity partner.
Yeah, that's right,
I've just been sorting out me daughter's inheritance.
Turns out that Witney weren't Sharon's beneficiary at all, it were me.
Dream on, you were divorced years ago. Shazza had a party to celebrate.
A cake with your face on it. She cut it down the middle. I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but it appears we're still legally binding.
"Till death us do part" and all that.
Turns out nobody ever applied for the Decree Absolute,
which means that her share of this place
passes directly on to little old me.
Unless you want to buy me out?
We want you to do our wedding! It's the footballer, Eddie Shannon.
Lucky cow, marrying him! She slept with him on his stag night.
Don't bother turning up to work on Monday morning, we don't want you.
Eh?
On paper, we're a match made in heaven.
Just a shame I don't fancy you.
♪ Please don't let me fall
♪ Too late, you're hooked, I'm afraid
♪ A heart is hard to persuade
♪ I won't lie to you
♪ There is nothing you can do
♪ He's playing with my heart
♪ And no good will come of this
♪ He is in control
♪ The leading role
♪ Please don't let me fall in love. ♪