(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
I got gold. You got gold. Lil Pusher's got crazy gold!
Some of it just sitting there collecting dust!
Do you have any idea how much gold
you've acquired through the years?
It could be like a treasure!
Now's your chance to turn your gold into cold hard cash,
'cause we have over 100 Gold To Be Sold! Stores nationwide.
Or call us and we'll send you a free shipping pack,
because we are America's number one online and storefront gold buyer!
- And that's the gold's honest truth! - Yeah!
I asked for all the forms in the inventory, Gordon,
so I could review them on my flight back to Portland.
I leave in ten minutes, so move.
- Your brother... - Does not run the company.
I'll call the Better Business Bureau if I have to.
- Can I help you? - Yes. Hi.
I turned in my grandmother's necklace just to cover the mortgage.
That can't be right. It's worth 15 times this.
I assure you, Ms. Campston, our appraisers are
all accredited gemologists with the GIA.
Well, I'd like my necklace back, then.
Our policy states you have to request a return within the allotted two weeks,
and I'm seeing here you're three days overdue.
But that's two weeks from when the check was sent
from your accounts payable department.
I just got it in the mail yesterday.
The necklace has probably already been melted.
There's... there's really nothing we can do.
Well, can you check for sure and see?
Sure. Come with me.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Unfortunately, Ms. Campston, it has been destroyed.
I am so sorry. We're done here.
- Come on, ma'am. Let's go. - What?
That's it?!
Have a nice day.
Nana had nice taste.
- Now you've got five minutes. - (SIGHS)
I saw the ad on TV. And as much as I didn't want to,
I have a mortgage to pay, a child to feed.
Next thing I knew, they sent me a packet with postage.
Yeah, these cash-for-gold businesses,
they make it very easy for customers to send in their gold.
And this necklace, it had sentimental value to you?
My grandma from England gave it to me before she died.
She held it all the way through the London Blitz in the '40s.
I'm so ashamed I sent it in.
No, no, I mean, you did what you had to do,
and you did it for your family. Nothing to be ashamed about.
Yeah, he's right. Look, your story's not unique.
There are thousands of desperate people who send in their gold,
they get these checks way below market value.
There's a pattern of perfidy.
- "A pattern of perfidy"? - Mm-hm.
Thank you. But I wish I had the necklace back.
I just know it's still out there.
OK, well, here's what we're gonna do.
- We're gonna do everything we can to... - Get it back for you.
And probably help you pay that mortgage, too.
Thank you.
"Pattern of perfidy"? Seriously?
Yes. This is it, Nate. This is the one.
Look, there's no international crime, no Russians with guns, no Interpol.
It's low risk, low danger,
just two very smart dirtbags who like to hurt people.
This is my shot. This time, I run the con.
Oh, no.
- Oh, yes. - Oh, boy.
HARDISON: If you don't think I can handle it, just say.
No. Hardison, that's not what I'm saying, actually.
Well, what is it? You think I'll mess it up? Go on, speak your mind.
No, come on. Please, just do your thing.
- "Do your thing." - Sometime today, man, all right?
Some of us have social lives we got to get back to.
All of you don't even understand how much you depend on me, do you?
All the hacking, the fake IDs,
the financial searches, the sub-rosa profiling.
Weeks of work every time, and none of you appreciate it.
Hardison, we do. We just, you know, we don't understand some of it.
Well, most of it. But we're very... we're very grateful.
Yes, we are very grateful, Hardison.
Now, if you will, let's... let's run it. Gold To Be Sold!
You run it. Why don't you go ahead,
find your little briefing fairy online, without me.
Start the job, and see how far you get... without me.
No, Hardison, come on. Really, it's...
(WHISPERING) That's his "very serious" arm-cross.
- Yeah. - All right. Here we go.
(BEEPING)
Remote...
How do you... how do you get to the...
- Web browser? - Yeah.
I don't know.
Oh! There it is. Awesome.
There we go. Gold To Be Sold!
Ooh! Gold. I love gold.
NATE: Gold To Be Sold! Began as an Oregon-based company
headed by a brother/sister team, Barbara and Tommy Madsen.
Expanded nationwide in the last five years,
but their main processing and refinery is in Portland, Oregon.
(CHUCKLING) See?
- Sorry, oh, wait. No, it... - Why is he looking up restaurants?
No, I'm not. It's... it's going up by itself.
We'll move out of that.
All right, all right. Here's the thing.
Thousands of people, especially in a bad economy,
they send their gold in once a week.
Now, the Madsens, what their scam is, they give low estimates,
lost shipments, late checks, that sort of thing.
Now, if we figure that all the people that they're scamming
are losing the same amount of money, then we're talking about
a multi-million dollar graft,
which, by the way, is legal. So...
Now, how do I get the financials?
Call for a free credit report. You got a phone.
- Seriously? You're doing that? - Hell, yeah.
He's really doing this.
- Uh... Parker? - What?
Could you please show us the commercial for...?
- Me? - Yeah. Bring up the commercial
for Gold To Be Sold!
This is great. Wait till you see this.
(LOUD STATIC)
- Turn it down! - Parker!
I am!
Geez.
Oh...
- (SCREECHING) - (SHRIEKS)
(CHUCKLING)
I got gold, you got gold. Lil Pusher's got crazy gold.
Some of it's just sitting there collecting dust!
Do you have any idea how much gold you've acquired through the years?
- It could be... - OK, guys. We're gonna do this the plain-and-simple way.
Let's go steal some gold.
OK, Parker, the place is closed on Sundays,
and there are no guards, but I want you in and out fast.
- How long will the vault take you? - Glenn-Reeder 27-34?
Eight minutes, tops.
Go ahead, guys. Rock my world.
I thought you were on strike, Hardison. Why are you even here?
It's a mental strike. I'm not really here.
I'm actually far, far away, in my mind.
Besides, who's gonna help Parker carry out all those gold bars?
You know how much each one of those things weighs?
They are heavy.
(EXHALES)
Huh? No alarm?
Or maybe not so heavy.
No gold, but you still had us break in there?
- I was on strike. - You were on strike, huh?
Hardison, you're gonna take the lead on this, you got to take the lead.
Hey, I have the lead on this.
I've had the lead on this thing since we left Boston.
Gladys-alpha-unlock. Initiate protocol 271-Z-X-T now.
COMPUTER VOICE: Voiceprint verified.
- Who are you talking to? - All right.
Tommy and Barbara Madsen,
owners of the Gold To Be Sold! Empire. Now, Nate,
had you let me run the con, you would know...
Had I let you run it? You said you were taking the lead...
If you let me run the con from the beginning,
you would have found out that the Madsens melt down
their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers
at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.
So, you knew it was empty.
Hardison, I'm gonna tell you something.
I want you to listen to me very carefully, OK?
You ever pull this again,
I am gonna personally make sure you're off this team,
'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body!
- SOPHIE: All right. Wait. Wait. - I said you needed me.
Hardison! What con do you have in mind? The Lazy Dachshund?
- The Pizarro Pressure Point? What? - No. Sophie, Sophie.
We're not gonna run one of Nate's picturesque 18th-century cons, no.
We're gonna run a brand-new, 21st-century con and blow their minds.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
For you.
And you.
All right. For you.
One for you. Now, these are full financial, physical, and psychological
profiles of our players.
- Our marks. - No, our players.
I'll explain in a minute. Gladys, initiate process 67-H,
the Double-Pronged Monkey con.
- What is this? - COMPUTER VOICE: 67-H confirmed.
- It's too complicated. - HARDISON: No, no, see, see,
this new con of the future
employs the most addictive, inescapable psychology
known to man: Video game design fundamentals.
- Like Pac-Man? - Like any game, really.
You see, setting up a player is just like setting up a mark.
What you do is you lay out a goal, you set up some obstacles
for them to overcome in order to reach that goal, right?
Start with player one: Tommy Madsen.
Now, Tommy, lonely, lonely Tommy.
The man is registered to seven different dating websites.
Now, on each of these websites, Tommy has to answer certain questionnaires.
Now, what I did was hacked questions
from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.
What?
It's a test designed to measure preferences
in how people perceive the world.
You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid.
They're actually pretty easy.
Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...
HARDISON: The questions that Tommy answered peg him
as an extroverted hyper- competitive alpha-male type.
He's the flashy face of the company,
not too bright, and he's very reward-oriented.
So how are you gonna hook him, Hardison?
By implanting the idea of a reward in his subconscious.
I hacked into his web browser, and, as you can see,
I inserted the word "treasure" into the side ads
to implant the idea of treasure into his thoughts.
See, now, if Tommy wants the treasure, he's got to play our game.
And the game begins with a 19th-century gold watch
engraved with an old Cantonese inscription.
PARKER: To tell you the truth, I was more interested
in the mahogany chest it came in.
I got it at an estate sale last week in Lake Oswego.
Oh, I'm actually in the antique business.
Auntie Irna's Antiques on Oak Street? Ever heard of it?
Can't say I have. Well, there's definitely melt value here. Not a lot.
But I think you're looking at 14-karat, millesimal fineness in the 580s.
- $42. - Ooh.
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of, oh...
- ...I don't know, $100? - I said $42.
- $82. - $42.
- $62. - $42.
- $52. - $42.
$43.
- $42. - Fine. $42.
Please sign here, darling.
"Darling."
And... $42.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Oh, excuse me. (GIGGLES)
Hey, boss. You might want to take a look at this watch.
There's a little something extra to it.
Player number two: Barbara Madsen. She is nothing like her brother.
I mean, the girl has a degree in chemical engineering.
She handles the technical and financial parts of the business.
NATE: OK. Right there. That's the rub, guys.
I think the sister's way too engaged with the business
to bite on a treasure hunt. Now, I think what you need to do here
is you need to take the business out of play.
Say, shut down the distribution so they can't sell gold.
Example, the smelter perhaps malfu...
- Sorry. No. - No, no. Like, no. Keep going.
- This isn't... - No, because I'm not...
- Hey, this is good. - No, I'm...
- This is yours. Go ahead. - That's good.
See, Nate, unlike you, I'm open to suggestion.
I encourage the exchange of ideas.
Look, you touched on video game design fundamentals.
You see, different people play the same game for different reasons.
And as video game designers, our job is to give the players what they crave.
Now, Barbara, I mean, she seems a little square.
All business up top, right? She majored in chemical engineering.
But she minored in archeology.
What is this? What the hell's going on, Roy?
Contillix sent the gold shipment back.
Said the purity rating on the last trucks
- dipped below three nines fine. - What?! That is total crap!
Probably a data glitch. The same thing happened last year.
Well, they're freezing all shipments until we clear it with the assayers.
So I'm shut down? What am I supposed to do for three days?
- What do you want to do about the... - Hey, B! Let me show you this.
A downtown antique dealer brought that in.
You think it might be worth something?
Wow. It's interesting.
The lettering, I think it's Cantonese.
Figures that you would say that, egghead.
I'm gonna track down the dealer and see if she's got any other pieces.
Mind if I come with? Contillix nicked the purity rating again.
I got the afternoon off.
So, by hacking into Contillix's servers,
like Nate suggests,
and giving the Madsen's gold a below-par purity rating,
well, Miss Madsen has a little R&R time to go explore her little puzzles,
and Tommy gets to chase his golden carrot. That's a great idea, Nate.
Well, I was gonna stain it next week to make it really pretty, you know,
like an English chestnut or a Sedona red.
But if you really want to see it, it's over here in the back.
Hey, Parker, I think it's time we introduce the Madsens to the idea
- of the Snake River Massacre treasure. - Ta-da.
Like I said, I found this at an estate auction.
The dead guy was the son of some 19th-century preacher
who was apparently working with some Chinese miners or something.
- A missionary? - Yep! That was the word: "missionary."
And apparently, this guy knew the location
of this local famous treasure, the Snake something or other.
- The Snake River Massacre treasure? - Oh, yeah.
- It's a big piece of local history. - Yeah.
It dates back to the 1880s.
Five white men murdered a group of Chinese miners
for a considerable amount of gold dust.
They were unsuccessful, because the gold is hidden somewhere in Portland.
How much gold?
- At today's prices, tens of millions. - Well, yeah, that's...
- Maybe more. - Yeah. More.
But the truth is,
most people believe it's a hoax.
Yeah. Hoax. Could be.
Well, certainly feel free to take a looky-loo. Right in here.
I'll just be right over here in the back. See ya.
TOMMY: Look, look, look, look, look.
OK. That's a cipher. A code.
That says something.
And that is gold dust residue.
You think this thing tells the location of the treasure?
Excuse me, miss.
I'll give you 50 bucks for the chest.
Fifty bucks it is, cowboy. Come on over here.
When you cipher, you take something you wrote
and you encode it using a key book or a famous text,
like the Declaration of Independence.
Now, the only way we are gonna read this jumble of numbers
is if we find that key book.
So the question becomes, how do we find the key book?
- I'm sure you'll tell me. - I'll tell you how.
By gaining context on the person who wrote the cipher.
But Samuel Cavendish is dead.
Well, then we find an expert who knows something about him
or this Snake River Massacre treasure.
Isn't this so much fun?
When do we get to the part about the $20 million?
Believe me, if this treasure is real,
you and I will never work another day in our lives.
Bingo.
And I've got a surprise.
Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission.
Parker, you're "Gold."
Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury,"
and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."
You kidding me with that one?
(ELECTRONIC PUNCHING NOISES)
- All right, that's pretty good. - Punchy!
Would you mind writing that in the eval form?
It's at the back of your dossier.
- Ooh, evaluation forms. - A form?
Please fill those out anonymously, and just give your honest feedback.
- Nate never wants feedback. - HARDISON: To me, this is a team effort.
I'd like to incorporate your ideas.
- Nate, what are you doing? - Oh, uh, sorry. Writing a letter.
Come on, Nate. You're writing a letter?
While you're over there writing snail mail,
we're sitting here devising twists
for a never-before-done 21st-century con.
- Sounds very exciting. - It is.
Now, Hardison, there are really only seven basic cons,
and the rest of them are all derivatives of those seven.
They've all been done, see?
- He's right. - Correction.
There were only seven cons until now.
See, this, grifters are gonna be talking about this for years to come.
What I've organized is only level one
of the Double-Pronged Monkey.
- (SOPHIE SIGHS) - Then it gets complicated.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
HARDISON: All right. Initiate sub-component two.
- Clear out the contact. - (LINE RINGING)
Pa... excuse you.
- What? Me? - The phone. Yes. Now. Thank you.
Hello?
Ah! Professor Altidore, this is Naomi Lineker
from the Asian-American Studies at Grinnell College. Yeah.
We would be interested in having you come and speak at that seminar.
- No, stop. No, stop. - Yeah!
"Celebrating the subaltern in the Asian-American immigrant experience."
Mm-hm. Yeah. Great.
We'll be in touch. Thank you so much. OK. Bye.
- Give it to me. Give it to me. - Stop. Please.
Good morning, professor.
If anyone has any information about this missionary and Chinese miners,
it will be this Professor Altidore.
She's the expert on the subject.
I am tired of playing games! You show me where those tunnels are!
SOPHIE: I don't know anything about the tunnels.
Tommy's competitive. Ramp it up. Ramp it up.
Yes, you know what I'm talking about! No!
- Why are you bothering me?! - You know!
Hey! Hey! You get off of her! What the hell are you doing?!
- Get out of here! - Who are you?!
Before we call the cops. Shut up. Go.
- Are you OK? - Yes. I'm sorry.
We were just walking by and saw what was happening.
- Who was that man? - Lenny Granzen.
He's an antiquities dealer. More like a thug!
He wants me to help him with some ridiculous 19th-century treasure hunt.
- I'm sorry. - It's all right.
I'm Tommy Madsen. This is my sister, Barbara.
We're... we're in the gold business.
You don't know us, but we actually came here to see you.
- Really? Why? - About that ridiculous treasure hunt.
Well, look.
Introducing Nate as a rival locks in value for the treasure hunt.
- How? - 'Cause Tommy's so competitive,
when Nate showed up, it was impossible for him to resist.
Sophie, the treasure hunt is still a hoax to you, OK?
Make the Madsens work harder to convince you.
SOPHIE: "When you enter a town and are welcomed",
eat what is set before you. Heal the sick who are there."
(CHUCKLES) Luke 10:8.
Well, it's from the King James edition of the Bible.
It was, well, it was translated into old Cantonese
by a man called Robert Morrison.
He worked for the London Missionary Society in the early 19th century.
It was mostly referenced by Cantonese immigrant miners.
- Do you have a copy of that edition? - Well, yes, of course. I...
That watch is from the estate sale of the son of Samuel T. Cavendish.
- Does that name sound familiar? - Yes.
He's a very well-known missionary from the area.
I've written academic articles on him.
We have in our possession an undiscovered document
that we believe belonged to Samuel T. Cavendish.
I think it's a code.
HARDISON: Don't buy into the treasure just yet, OK?
Show a little resistance to the idea of it.
Look, I'm sorry. I just, personally, don't believe in the legend
of the Snake River Massacre treasure. And I... I just... I can't condone
the use of historical events to bolster... crazy theories.
The Snake River Massacre was a terrible tragedy, and that's all there is to it.
But what if the legend were true?
What if this cipher tells the location of a treasure
and the Bible that you were referencing is the key to cracking this cipher?
Well, that would be historic, Professor Altidore.
Wouldn't you be interested in finding something like that?
Did you take a bite of all these?
I had to see which one I wanted.
- Wow. Really? - What...?
(SIGHS) Well, I... I don't know if any of this is true, but it is amazing,
and it certainly does back up what Granzen claims.
"Deposited in the tunnels below the city,
in walls two feet deep, we have hidden our mining fortunes."
- The tunnels? - The Shanghai tunnels.
Old tunnels running below the streets of Portland.
They were used to abduct, "shanghai," sailors back in the 1800s.
Beneath the city of Portland, a completely hidden city existed,
connecting saloons and whorehouses, gambling parlors, opium dens even.
- How do you not know that? - Yeah, how do I not?
It's very impressive, Barbara. You could be a professor yourself. Go on.
"To arrive there, enter through the dockside doors.
Follow here through the southern tunnel, and come upon a left turn."
Sure the Madsens can find this place? I almost got lost.
But you didn't, did you?
Because we used video game art design techniques
to subconsciously lead you.
- That way. - Yeah.
HARDISON: Using arrows, signage and lighting, sound effects...
(CRASHING)
HARDISON: we're giving the gamers what they want.
They want to be cold, they want to be scared.
They want an adventure. Let's give it to them.
All right, Mr. Punchy. The Madsens are almost here.
Now, remember, you're playing Tobias Bowden,
Granzen's underestimated, underappreciated underling.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna play him like that.
Hey, that's OK, guy. That's OK, because I encourage initiative.
But just remember, you work for Granzen,
your cold... insensitive boss.
You got any notes on how I can play cold and insensitive?
Oh, Mercury. You're a natural.
Natural.
What's my character's name again?
- Gold. - Apples?
- Gold. Gold. - Apple Ax.
It must be behind this door.
NATE: It's the wrong machine, you idiot!
ELIOT: No, it's either one or the other.
It's not one or the other. It's got to be the right one.
- You can't... - It just doesn't work.
NATE: Oh, wow. Look who's here.
Oh, yeah. I remember you. Yeah, the tough guy.
South wall of the east-facing alcove.
Cipher? Yeah, you know where the cipher is, huh?
- Back off. OK? - I know exactly where the treasure is.
In these walls? These are the sub-foundations for the buildings above.
This concrete's at least two feet thick.
You're gonna need us if it is buried in here,
which I don't know if it is.
But you're gonna need a Seekson 560 drill
- to get through cement and mortar. - You need a 560 drill.
That's right, which I know you don't have.
- A what? - A Seekson 560 long-hole drill.
Very expensive, highly regulated in the state of Oregon,
yeah, which is why you need me, 'cause I have my engineer, Bowden, here.
- He has access to one of those drills. - I can get one.
Now, I'd get one. I'm just not liquid right now to get something like that.
But give me the 34 G for the drill, we'll go 50/50 on the treasure.
Give us your card. I'll think about it and give you a call.
Thanks.
- You blown away yet, Nate? - What?
Come on, man. You know, like... like the dude in that famous
Maxell stereo commercial, chillin' back in the leather chair,
but instead of sound, you're blown away
by the power of my mind. Come on, man.
Now, listen. Don't get ahead of yourself.
The Madsens haven't made up their mind yet.
Nate, they're already hooked. You know it.
It's a good plan. I'll give you that.
Thank you. Was that so hard? No.
Listen, Hardison. The only thing success teaches you in this job
is the next time, make it a little tougher.
And tougher means more risk,
more danger, more pressuring yourself.
And that pressure begins to take a toll.
You know, you begin to see the absolute worst in people.
Their sins, their weaknesses, things you take advantage of.
And after a while, you realize that maybe the job has changed you.
And not always for the better.
HARDISON: OK, Mercury, Mr. Punchy,
Tommy Madsen is inbound with a check for $34,000.
Up top. Give me some.
Uh, no. I don't high... high-five. But well done.
Thank you. Would you mind putting that on the evaluation form?
- Oh, OK. - Thanks.
- What am I looking at? - Just check it out.
(VIDEO GAME NOISES)
- Seriously? - Listen.
Not now. Parker, you good?
- Yeah, I'm good. - NATE: Hardison, we're ready.
You know what? To tell you the truth, I had no idea.
About what?
Oh, you know, when things come together so smoothly,
when it all just clicks according to your beautiful and complicated plan,
just how sorry you feel for them.
For them? No. For us, yes.
Oh, you're just jealous of the puppet master.
What? That's not "puppet master." That's jazz hands.
- That's puppet master. - That's "hang loose."
No. That is hang loose.
Oh, you know how to hang loose, but you don't know how to high-five?
NATE: All right, guys, Tommy Madsen is here.
Why is it made out to the Mining Equipment Company?
Yep. New terms, 70/30 split.
- That's not what we agreed to, though. - That was with my sister.
And she is not a good negotiator. 70/30 split.
We did all the heavy lifting, we found the location.
We deserve a bigger cut. 70/30.
HARDISON: OK, these are all very valid points, Nate.
Just take the deal. Just take the damn deal.
(QUIETLY) Yeah, I'm trying to, Hardison.
- What? - What?
Yeah. 70/30. Good.
Call us when you're ready to hit the tunnels.
This is what I was afraid of.
It's gonna take a couple of minutes. I'm going three feet into that wall.
Why don't you wait outside.
Yeah, so you can run away with all the gold. I wasn't born yesterday.
Mr. Granzen's right, you can't be around
this piece of equipment when it's working.
It's a very dangerous piece of equipment.
Stuff flies off the wall. There are sparks.
What I've done, though, is I've put three CCTVs up,
one right there and one right there where you can see
what the drill's actually doing into the wall,
and then there's one up there, and if you look at the pad...
NATE: Hey, hey. Get them out. Get them out.
You can't stay here.
OK, come on. Got to go, got to go.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! - That's gold. I think that's gold.
We found it!
- We did it. - We did it!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(RUMBLING)
Geez.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
- What's going on? - We got to go.
- Did he... did he... - Yeah. Yeah. Let's go.
Go! It's gonna collapse!
- (CHUCKLING) - What? How did you do that?
Room service.
(WHISTLING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
That's it, man. I'm out of here. Deal's off!
- Wait. - Wait. Why?
Lenny Granzen is dead down there, man!
It's a crime scene! That's why!
He knew the risks going in.
If we don't go after that gold, it'll be in vain.
There's got to be another way in, through the floor of the sub-basement.
And risk the landlord learning about us, huh?
How's that gonna work out? And guess who gets the gold in that scenario.
Not you and not me, OK?
The only way to get to the gold back
is to contain the whole place, the whole situation.
- How do we do that? - You've got to own the whole damn building
and everything that's underneath it and all the mineral rights. That's it.
Help us out. I'll make it worth your while.
Come on. We're so close.
All right. I know the owner. OK, and he has been talking
about selling this place for a couple of years.
- What's he asking for it? - Four point two million dollars.
You have that kind of money? 'Cause I don't have that kind of money.
I'm on city salary here.
- Let's do it. - Just like that?
(SCOFFS)
You convince your buddy to close at four million ASAP,
and we will cut you in for ten percent of the treasure.
Are you game?
All right.
Let me get this straight.
The watch, the chest, the cipher, the Cantonese Bible,
- the tunnel cave-in... - Well, it was a fake cave-in.
You see, the rocks were just painted Styrofoam.
Whatever. A staged tragic death... all for a land deal?
It's impressive, huh?
Hardison, I once pulled off a land deal
with a half a glass of champagne
and a low-cut dress.
Look, a land deal needs an attorney.
Who's gonna close this deal?
I'm saving that last piece of this beautiful symphony for myself.
Yeah, well, you better hurry up, all right, 'cause the Madsens just called,
they're so excited, they want to push the closing up till tomorrow morning.
- How's that fit in your symphony? - Wait, no. Wait, wait. I...
I mean, I'm not even ready.
I don't even have a Swiss bank account to transfer the funds into.
Well, you better find one.
And you better find a real-estate attorney's office
- and clear it out quick. - I'm getting sick of this, man.
You'd better have this down, Hardison.
All our identities were burned on other parts of the con.
It's all on you, Hardison.
How am I gonna do this?
You're the puppet master. Pull your strings.
(WHISPERING) Jazz hands.
I called IT 20 minutes ago. Where the hell is the kid?
This computer virus is about to give me a friggin' aneurysm.
Can I help you, sir?
- You here to see an attorney? - IT.
Sure as hell the best-dressed IT guy I have ever seen.
Age of the geek, baby. Can I get in there?
Please.
(WHISTLES) Ouch. Looks like this is gonna take me a while.
- You should probably take your lunch break. - Can't. Too much work.
Listen, in order for me to completely scrub your PC clean,
I'm gonna have to go through every website you've ever been to.
- Every? - Every.
And if you're like most people,
that's not so flattering.
You know what? I'll take that lunch.
You do that. All righty.
Mr. Madsen, Miss Madsen, please do the honors
of signing the flagged pages where indicated.
You know, I've had this nagging feeling all morning about this deal.
- Yeah? - Have we made this thing...
I don't know. Has it gotten too complicated?
No. No.
Have I seen you someplace before?
Oh, I don't think so.
Portland is a very small city, so...
Yeah, I know the feeling that you're talking about, B.
'Cause I have been going over in my head...
Remember when you once told me that there is never a get-rich scheme...
- That ever pan out. - Yeah.
Let me point out to you two
that you are getting an excellent bargain on this property.
Really, you have no idea
what it took to put this deal together, no idea.
It's like, every time we found something,
another obstacle just fell in our path.
- And it got frustrating. - I don't think so.
- And more and more complicated. - Super complicated.
I mean, you keep saying "complicated."
I don't... it's really not complicated.
Just sign right there, right... it says... says right there
- by the tape "sign," so... - We're gold people.
Remember what we always say, that gold is a metal
that forever increases in value.
Can... can you please just...
stop wasting our time and sign the documents?
I don't think I like your tone.
And you do look familiar to me.
- Do I? - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh. Where's Mr. Manchester?
- Who? - Manchester?
- I thought your name was Learl. - It is, and this is my space.
Oh, he...
Oh! The woman who came in with the gold watch
to our store the day, the one day that you... had no work.
- I don't know... - The professor, antiquities collector,
it all felt funny. Don't you see? They're con men.
- Con? Who? Conning who? - They're trying to rip us off.
No, that's... hey! Hey!
- Go. Move. Move. - Come back here!
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes!
Oh, boy.
We will call cops! We will get you!
I don't know what happened. I had them, and I just...
Didn't anticipate the rage-quit?
You know gamer terminology?
I know the key to a good game is balancing boredom and frustration.
The game, the puzzle's too easy, then the mark, the player,
gets bored and walks away.
The puzzle's too hard, the player gets frustrated
- and quits in a rage: rage-quit. - How do you know that?
I know a few things, Hardison.
I know that an overcomplicated puzzle
eventually begs the question: Is it really worth it?
But hey. Keep your chin up. Not all is not lost, you know?
- How's that? They didn't sign. - No, of course not.
That was just to distract them from the heist.
The heist? What heist?
- Roy! Roy! - ROY: Over here.
Roy, call the police. We have a crime to report.
And that professor. Don't forget that professor.
- Did something happen? - Never mind. I'll do it myself.
Good news, Ms. Madsen. Contillix lifted the quality rating.
They'll be taking the shipments back tomorrow.
Great. Great, that's... They'll be doing what?
Remember, they sent all the gold back. I told you.
- What the hell's going on, Roy? - Contillix sent the gold shipment back.
Said the purity rating on the last trucks
- dipped below three nines fine. - What?!
- What do you want to do about the... - Hey, B! Let me show you this.
A downtown antique dealer brought that in.
You think it might be worth something?
- Wow. It's interesting. - All right.
I guess we'll just put it in the vault for now.
- You put the gold in the vault? - Yeah, three days' worth.
- No, no, no, no. - That's how long we were shut down.
The vault is useless!
Where'd that go?
- How on earth did you find it? - Well, we learned that Barbara Madsen
had taken a personal liking to it and was wearing it.
So we sent one of our best retrieval specialists to go get it.
OK, well, I'll just be over here if you guys need anything.
We also obtained the Gold To Be Sold! Customer list.
Which means that we'll be sending restitution checks
to all the other victims from a special fund
established in your grandmother's name.
You have no idea how much that means to me.
I can't thank you enough.
Ever since I lost my job a few years ago, nothing's gone my way.
This is the first time I... I feel different.
Well, the Madsens should be losing their jobs right about now.
Yeah, I would say they'd be getting their pink slip very soon.
(SIREN WAILING)
Did you catch the guys who stole our gold?
Yeah, about that, Ms. Madsen,
your insurance company contacted us regarding your claim.
Yeah, they're just not buying this story
that they broke in here and that they knew how to use
your highly regulated drill that you just bought,
and then use it to rob your fake, useless vault.
I mean, that's got to be the worst insurance-scam story
I have ever heard. Cuff 'em.
That is exactly what happened!
They were con men! They played us!
Yeah, you know what? Tell that to a judge.
Insurance fraud is a felony in Oregon.
- It's your fault, B. - My fault?!
"Shanghai tunnels. How could you not know?"
They went to you first because they knew that you would be dumb enough to buy it.
You're dumb.
How many restitution checks you writing?
So far, 200. I've got 100 to go.
You got mail. I'm out, man.
How? How could you have possibly known this?
I knew enough.
I knew you had a complicated con in the works.
And I knew, as long as we had those three things on the list
and that Barbara Madsen was distracted
from all that gold piling up in that useless vault,
that we had a shot at taking over the family business.
You never count on the perfect plan.
The perfect plan, it has too many moving parts,
and it's... you got to expect the perfect plan to fail.
- I mean, that's what I do. - Then what do you count on?
I count on the simplest and ugliest plan,
not plan "A," no, but, like, plan "G," for example.
I start with plan "G."
Now, the quick, simple, ugly plan
that I know is gonna work if everything goes bad.
I just pretty it up a little bit, add this and that.
I gave you a backup plan. That's all.
You know, Hardison, you should be proud.
Proud? (SCOFFS)
My first job completely fell apart.
Hey... it was a good plan.
It was a smart plan, clever.
Don't sell yourself short.
- What's this? - It's an evaluation form.
Good night, Hardison.
Hey, Nathan.
Thanks, man.
Sync & Corrected by Shadowmoon