1
00:00:09,717 --> 00:00:12,886
Jason, I really
like your look.
2
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,454
You had it
poppin' tonight.
3
00:00:14,488 --> 00:00:15,839
I totally disagree.
4
00:00:15,873 --> 00:00:17,874
Because I love your look.
5
00:00:17,925 --> 00:00:19,342
You're a star.
6
00:00:19,377 --> 00:00:20,844
Believe in your dreams.
7
00:00:20,878 --> 00:00:22,863
- Thank you.
- Jason,
8
00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:25,899
have you ever put out a cigar
on Gilbert Gottfried's neck?
9
00:00:25,933 --> 00:00:27,767
Because I have,
and his screams
10
00:00:27,802 --> 00:00:29,603
were the worst thing
I'd ever heard.
11
00:00:29,637 --> 00:00:31,021
Until tonight.
12
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:32,805
Congratulations,
you're a disgrace.
13
00:00:40,369 --> 00:00:42,982
Ah! I rolled my ankle. God!
14
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,284
Also, Jason, if you think
you're passing for straight,
15
00:00:44,318 --> 00:00:46,819
you're embarrassing yourself.
16
00:00:46,837 --> 00:00:48,955
17 million people watched
that show last night.
17
00:00:48,989 --> 00:00:50,824
Not me. I've got
better things to do
18
00:00:50,858 --> 00:00:52,826
than watch Jenna
humiliate children.
19
00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:55,428
So you don't care that Shayla
made it to the next round?
20
00:00:55,463 --> 00:00:57,964
- How? She is so pitchy.
- What can I tell you?
21
00:00:57,999 --> 00:01:00,934
The audience just loves
Shayla's personal story.
22
00:01:00,968 --> 00:01:04,838
Did you know that both her
mothers are serial killers?
23
00:01:04,872 --> 00:01:06,740
That's America.
24
00:01:10,228 --> 00:01:12,862
So, did you miss me
over the break?
25
00:01:12,897 --> 00:01:15,732
Of course. A little less than
my kidnapped wife,
26
00:01:15,783 --> 00:01:17,234
but I did get
a nice Christmas card
27
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:20,554
from Avery
and Kim Jong-Un.
28
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,625
At least I had some
quality time with Liddy.
29
00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:28,861
She's like a little
human tumbler of scotch.
30
00:01:28,879 --> 00:01:30,297
You turning soft on me,
Donaghy?
31
00:01:30,331 --> 00:01:32,265
If you want, I can recommend
a good gynecologist.
32
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,934
You know, 'cause
I really like my guy.
33
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,385
He's sort of
a doogie howser type.
34
00:01:35,419 --> 00:01:36,703
But younger.
35
00:01:41,842 --> 00:01:43,043
Aren't you going
to ask me how my...
36
00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:45,879
No. I know exactly
how your holidays were.
37
00:01:45,913 --> 00:01:47,414
You took the train
to your parents' house.
38
00:01:47,448 --> 00:01:51,651
On Christmas Eve, you forgot
that eggnog has alcohol in it,
39
00:01:51,686 --> 00:01:53,119
and got into a shoving match
with your aunt
40
00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:54,788
about who puts the star
on top of the tree.
41
00:01:54,822 --> 00:01:56,222
It was my year!
44
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,828
and got your dad a book on world
war ii that he already owned.
45
00:02:01,862 --> 00:02:04,698
Wow, you really think you know
everything about me, don't you?
46
00:02:04,732 --> 00:02:05,765
Yes, after six years
I really do.
47
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,766
Well, I will have you know
48
00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:08,368
that there are
aspects of my life
49
00:02:08,402 --> 00:02:10,537
about which
you know nothing.
50
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,740
Take off that jacket.
51
00:02:13,774 --> 00:02:15,542
If you're not wearing
one of those Christmas sweaters
52
00:02:15,576 --> 00:02:18,011
out of guilt,
I'll give you $1,000.
53
00:02:18,045 --> 00:02:20,213
Wrong, Jack.
'Cause they weren't sweaters.
54
00:02:20,247 --> 00:02:21,765
They were Dickies!
55
00:02:23,084 --> 00:02:24,684
Happy 2012!
56
00:02:40,885 --> 00:02:45,385
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
57
00:02:46,907 --> 00:02:50,877
Good morning,
Mr. Rossitano.
58
00:02:50,911 --> 00:02:52,078
I'm sorry
you're going to hell.
59
00:02:52,113 --> 00:02:53,713
That's okay.
How was your break?
60
00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:54,609
Wonderful.
61
00:02:54,610 --> 00:02:58,051
Reverend Gary did the
math, and guess what?
62
00:02:58,085 --> 00:02:59,969
The world
is ending tomorrow!
63
00:03:00,004 --> 00:03:01,338
And you're happy
about that?
64
00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,757
Oh, of course.
I get to go to heaven
65
00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:06,393
and receive my reward!
66
00:03:06,427 --> 00:03:11,181
72 virgin margaritas,
hold the salt.
67
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:14,901
Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing
you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock.
68
00:03:14,935 --> 00:03:19,239
But on the bright side,
black hell does have a jukebox.
69
00:03:19,273 --> 00:03:21,825
So you think this is
your last day on Earth.
70
00:03:21,859 --> 00:03:24,077
Well, I'll leave
the thinking to other religions.
71
00:03:24,111 --> 00:03:26,112
Well, you must have things
you want to do before you die.
72
00:03:26,146 --> 00:03:27,697
Is the sky blue?
73
00:03:27,748 --> 00:03:29,916
Until tomorrow,
when it will be on fire.
74
00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:31,534
Then you should go
and do them.
75
00:03:31,585 --> 00:03:32,786
I came across
the following quote
76
00:03:32,820 --> 00:03:34,871
on the side of
a tampon box this Christmas.
77
00:03:34,922 --> 00:03:37,257
"Work like you don't
need the money.
78
00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:38,958
"Love like
you've never been hurt.
79
00:03:38,992 --> 00:03:41,127
"Dance like
nobody's watching.
80
00:03:41,162 --> 00:03:44,731
Enjoy these
satchel Paige brand tampons."
81
00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:46,182
You know what miss Lemon?
I will do that.
82
00:03:46,217 --> 00:03:48,301
Thank you.
83
00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:50,353
You're just giving him
the day off?
84
00:03:50,388 --> 00:03:51,688
That's awfully nice.
85
00:03:51,722 --> 00:03:52,706
I'm a nice person.
86
00:03:52,740 --> 00:03:54,441
Because
I'm a happy person.
87
00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:55,742
My happiness
makes me nice.
88
00:03:55,776 --> 00:03:57,143
Also, maybe
I'm in a good mood
89
00:03:57,177 --> 00:04:00,480
because I'm not being weighed
down by redundant torso fabric.
90
00:04:00,514 --> 00:04:04,734
- What does that mean?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
91
00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:08,054
Amazing news, Liz.
92
00:04:08,089 --> 00:04:10,740
I made the People
magazine crossword.
93
00:04:10,791 --> 00:04:13,693
One across, five letters,
94
00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:16,162
"Jenna Maroney's
first name".
95
00:04:16,196 --> 00:04:17,914
Wow!
Congratulations.
96
00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:19,666
Because of
America's kidz got singing,
97
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:21,367
I am blowing up.
98
00:04:21,402 --> 00:04:24,587
When you Google "Jenna Maroney"
now, I come up first.
99
00:04:24,638 --> 00:04:27,674
Not the Jenna Maroney who
electrocuted all those horses.
100
00:04:27,708 --> 00:04:28,942
Jenna, that was you.
101
00:04:28,976 --> 00:04:32,178
Anyway, I'll be back for
rehearsal after I tape the show.
102
00:04:32,213 --> 00:04:34,881
Talent walking!
103
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:37,350
This has nothing to do
with Jenna's success
104
00:04:37,384 --> 00:04:38,685
that I'm jealous of,
105
00:04:38,719 --> 00:04:40,019
but if that yellow-haired
bag of teeth
106
00:04:40,054 --> 00:04:41,955
keeps me waiting
for rehearsal,
107
00:04:41,989 --> 00:04:45,091
I will set
my dressing room on fire.
108
00:04:45,126 --> 00:04:48,695
Okay, first of all, Tracy,
you know you're the real star.
109
00:04:48,729 --> 00:04:50,654
Huh. You know what?
110
00:04:50,655 --> 00:04:52,782
I'm not doing this.
111
00:04:52,833 --> 00:04:54,100
- But I'm acting out.
- Right.
112
00:04:54,135 --> 00:04:55,902
And I know it'll all
blow over eventually,
113
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,838
and so I'm just going to skip
the exhausting middle part.
114
00:05:00,274 --> 00:05:01,791
But you're supposed
to control me.
115
00:05:01,842 --> 00:05:03,676
You're Liz Lemon.
That's what you do!
116
00:05:03,711 --> 00:05:06,846
You're a 42-year-old man.
117
00:05:06,881 --> 00:05:08,014
No, I'm not.
118
00:05:08,048 --> 00:05:10,583
I took a real age test.
It said I'm dead.
119
00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:12,635
Hey, I was just
going to call you.
120
00:05:12,686 --> 00:05:14,020
You wanna watch
today's Kidz taping?
121
00:05:14,054 --> 00:05:15,488
We're kicking off
"Public domain week".
122
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:18,525
This week, America's kids
sing really old songs
123
00:05:18,559 --> 00:05:21,227
that everyone knows
and NBC doesn't have to pay for.
124
00:05:21,262 --> 00:05:22,929
- It's brilliant.
- Wow, more money.
125
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,647
This thing's
a real cash cow.
126
00:05:24,698 --> 00:05:28,668
Unlike cash cow, the failed NBC
spin-off of cash cab.
127
00:05:28,702 --> 00:05:31,270
You try riding a cow through
midtown Manhattan, Lemon.
128
00:05:31,288 --> 00:05:32,772
The animal will panic.
129
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,741
Right. Anyway, I was
just going to call you
130
00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:37,744
because I'm wondering
why I received an email
131
00:05:37,778 --> 00:05:39,712
confirming my membership
in a dating service
132
00:05:39,747 --> 00:05:42,415
called desperationships.com.
133
00:05:42,449 --> 00:05:43,917
Because after 6 years,
I know you're depressed
134
00:05:43,951 --> 00:05:45,351
after spending
the holidays alone.
135
00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,719
I'm not depressed, Jack.
136
00:05:46,754 --> 00:05:48,688
And I don't need some
dumb dating website.
137
00:05:48,722 --> 00:05:50,723
What if I told you
your first match
138
00:05:50,758 --> 00:05:54,727
burned his groin off in
an accident at his cake shop.
139
00:05:54,762 --> 00:05:56,763
- No. Not interested.
- Five minutes.
140
00:05:56,797 --> 00:05:59,432
Show's getting started.
I'd better get in there.
141
00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:00,633
I'll see you soon.
142
00:06:00,668 --> 00:06:01,701
Five minutes to tape,
everyone.
143
00:06:01,735 --> 00:06:03,353
Die, you blonde bitch!
144
00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:06,005
Thank you.
145
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,749
Is that your daughter?
She's adorable.
146
00:06:16,784 --> 00:06:19,352
Thanks.
She's my angel.
147
00:06:19,386 --> 00:06:21,221
Her name's Liddy.
148
00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:24,323
Oh. Ha. That's odd,
because my daughter's name...
149
00:06:24,341 --> 00:06:25,758
I'm going to interrupt you
right there, Liddy.
150
00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:29,028
Terrible song selection.
You were sharp.
151
00:06:29,063 --> 00:06:30,697
And I'm about
to get raw with you.
152
00:06:30,731 --> 00:06:32,732
You're weird looking, Liddy.
153
00:06:32,766 --> 00:06:34,100
Even if you could sing,
154
00:06:34,134 --> 00:06:35,768
with that face
it would be like
155
00:06:35,803 --> 00:06:37,353
eating a steak that
just came out of a dumpster.
156
00:06:37,388 --> 00:06:39,672
- I've done that.
- Here's my advice, Liddy.
157
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:41,674
Go work on your presentation.
158
00:06:41,709 --> 00:06:44,444
Take voice lessons.
Then seal yourself in a barrel,
159
00:06:44,478 --> 00:06:46,012
and fall off
of the waterfall.
160
00:06:46,046 --> 00:06:48,414
You leave Liddy alone!
161
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:51,384
I need it quiet
to record my catchphrase.
162
00:06:51,418 --> 00:06:52,685
Sebastian, I'm going
to give you a few options.
163
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,754
- Love it, Jenna! Go.
- Is this your show?
164
00:06:54,788 --> 00:06:57,457
Liddy, go jump
back up your mother.
165
00:06:57,491 --> 00:07:00,793
Liddy, go jump
back up your mother.
166
00:07:00,828 --> 00:07:03,730
Go jump back up
your mother, Liddy.
167
00:07:03,764 --> 00:07:05,331
Yeah, I like
the third one for me,
168
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,233
and her crying
on the second one.
169
00:07:07,268 --> 00:07:09,402
I love it.
Brilliant, Jenna.
170
00:07:20,894 --> 00:07:22,762
Hello, Mr. Hornberger.
171
00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:23,894
Kenneth, what are you doing?
172
00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:25,929
Sir, this chiquita banana
sticker had been stuck
173
00:07:25,964 --> 00:07:27,898
to that ceiling for years.
174
00:07:27,932 --> 00:07:29,767
So I finally scraped it off.
175
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:31,769
No, listen. You can do
whatever you want today.
176
00:07:31,803 --> 00:07:34,438
I know!
Isn't it great?
177
00:07:34,472 --> 00:07:36,973
I'm finally doing
my dream chores.
178
00:07:36,992 --> 00:07:39,009
Give me that.
179
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:39,943
"Scrape sticker off ceiling,
180
00:07:39,978 --> 00:07:42,680
"fix that humming noise
only I can hear,
181
00:07:42,714 --> 00:07:44,981
organize snack table
by food jewishness..."
182
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,484
Kenneth, this stuff
isn't even your job.
183
00:07:47,502 --> 00:07:50,688
That's why
they're dream chores.
184
00:07:50,722 --> 00:07:52,006
Look, if it was
my last day on Earth
185
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,924
I wouldn't be here,
I'd be with Paula,
186
00:07:53,958 --> 00:07:56,210
admitting I'm in love
with her twin sister.
187
00:07:56,261 --> 00:07:58,295
Kenneth, we were
just out on the Plaza,
188
00:07:58,330 --> 00:08:00,964
and four flaming
horses rode by.
189
00:08:00,998 --> 00:08:02,216
Reverend Gary says
190
00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:05,686
super-gay horses are one of
the signs of the apocalypse.
191
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,138
Exactly!
The end is nigh.
192
00:08:08,172 --> 00:08:11,141
You should raise your hopes up
even higher than they are now.
193
00:08:11,176 --> 00:08:14,010
I will.
I did!
194
00:08:19,117 --> 00:08:20,200
We have a problem,
Liz Lemon.
195
00:08:20,235 --> 00:08:21,368
I just remembered,
196
00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:23,087
I started a camp
for underprivileged kids
197
00:08:23,121 --> 00:08:24,354
last summer.
198
00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:27,207
We have to drive upstate to see
if any of them are still alive.
199
00:08:27,242 --> 00:08:29,159
That sounds like
a Tracy problem, Tracy.
200
00:08:29,193 --> 00:08:30,878
Okay, how about this?
I'm changing my name.
201
00:08:30,912 --> 00:08:33,163
From now on everyone
has to address me as
202
00:08:33,197 --> 00:08:35,499
"the gentleman formerly
known as rectum."
203
00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:37,418
Pay attention to me, L.L,
204
00:08:37,469 --> 00:08:40,237
or else I'm going to do
something self-destructive.
205
00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:43,057
I just got an
honorary sheriff's badge,
206
00:08:43,091 --> 00:08:45,008
and I'm going to start
making real arrests.
207
00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:46,093
- Great.
- I just realized,
208
00:08:46,144 --> 00:08:48,011
I haven't paid taxes
in 30 years.
209
00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:48,946
Oh, we're not doing
the pre-tape tonight
210
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:50,514
because I'm leaving
at 6:00.
211
00:08:50,548 --> 00:08:52,099
What's going on with you?
Why are you acting so weird?
212
00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:53,767
I don't know what
you're talking about.
213
00:08:53,818 --> 00:08:54,852
You're not doing your job.
214
00:08:54,886 --> 00:08:56,186
You're laughing at rectum jokes,
215
00:08:56,221 --> 00:08:58,889
you're leaving early.
Did we switch brains?
216
00:08:58,907 --> 00:09:00,791
Why am I not
feeling your boobs?
217
00:09:00,825 --> 00:09:03,794
Baah!
What is happening!?
218
00:09:05,096 --> 00:09:06,730
Jenna.
219
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:09,750
We need to talk
about Kidz.
220
00:09:09,784 --> 00:09:12,035
Did you see
last night's ratings?
221
00:09:12,069 --> 00:09:14,538
The only show I've ever
been on that got a 10.2
222
00:09:14,572 --> 00:09:15,589
was when Mickey Rourke
threw me onto the field
223
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,073
during the super bowl.
224
00:09:17,092 --> 00:09:18,809
Obviously I'm thrilled
about the show's success,
225
00:09:18,843 --> 00:09:22,045
but I wanted to talk to you
about your...onscreen persona.
226
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,581
- I had an idea...
- B.B. Gun.
227
00:09:24,599 --> 00:09:27,050
Actually, I think the mean
thing may have run its course.
228
00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:30,587
What if you went the other way,
and you were nice to the kids?
229
00:09:30,622 --> 00:09:31,939
Well, no.
230
00:09:31,973 --> 00:09:34,825
I mean, being the nice one
is McEnroe’s thing.
231
00:09:34,859 --> 00:09:38,094
Ah, yes, well, we've done
some focus testing, and frankly
232
00:09:38,113 --> 00:09:40,597
I haven't seen such
a unanimously negative response
233
00:09:40,615 --> 00:09:43,300
since the Frasier
spin-off, hey, Roz.
234
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:45,402
Jenna, they hate you.
235
00:09:45,436 --> 00:09:49,072
No, Jack.
They love to hate me.
236
00:09:49,107 --> 00:09:51,942
Kidz is minting money
for both of us.
237
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,961
And what's more
important than money?
238
00:09:53,995 --> 00:09:55,779
Well, perhaps we could make
even more money
239
00:09:55,814 --> 00:09:56,964
by pretending to be nice.
240
00:09:56,998 --> 00:09:58,482
I mean,
look at Betty White.
241
00:09:58,516 --> 00:10:02,686
End of discussion.
Just ease off on the kids.
242
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:03,804
Look, according to Tracy,
243
00:10:03,838 --> 00:10:05,472
people are switching minds
around here.
244
00:10:05,507 --> 00:10:07,624
That's obviously
what's happened.
245
00:10:07,659 --> 00:10:11,662
So whoever you are,
show me Jack's penis.
246
00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:14,014
That's for you.
247
00:10:17,035 --> 00:10:19,520
Damn, I've got to get
more of these.
248
00:10:24,075 --> 00:10:25,843
I don't know what this is,
249
00:10:25,877 --> 00:10:27,978
but I like it.
Ha, finally.
250
00:10:27,996 --> 00:10:29,997
After 6 years,
I've cheered up miss Lemon.
251
00:10:30,031 --> 00:10:32,115
That was on your list?
252
00:10:32,149 --> 00:10:33,951
I'm not always in a bad mood.
And I happen to be
253
00:10:33,985 --> 00:10:35,619
in a really good
place right now.
254
00:10:35,653 --> 00:10:37,120
Well, enjoy it
while you can,
255
00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:39,990
because tomorrow,
you're going to women's hell.
256
00:10:40,024 --> 00:10:42,843
Uh, also, FYI,
women's hell is the same as
257
00:10:42,877 --> 00:10:45,062
aroused dog heaven.
Kenneth.
258
00:10:45,096 --> 00:10:48,665
Why are you still here?
This is your last day on Earth.
259
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,000
There's so much
you haven't done.
260
00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:52,219
Oh, sir,
I've done plenty.
261
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:54,137
Oh, really?
Have you ever been in love?
262
00:10:54,171 --> 00:10:55,839
Only while
playing tennis.
263
00:10:55,874 --> 00:10:57,558
I'm kidding.
I've never played tennis.
264
00:10:57,609 --> 00:10:59,409
Have you ever been
in an airplane?
265
00:10:59,444 --> 00:11:01,678
Well, does falling off
a bridge in a horse cart count?
266
00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:04,414
Have you ever stood on a beach
and watched the sun rise?
267
00:11:04,449 --> 00:11:06,116
Sir, I've never
even seen the ocean.
268
00:11:06,150 --> 00:11:07,951
Never?
Kenneth, that's insane.
269
00:11:07,986 --> 00:11:11,922
We were all put on this crazy
blue marble for a reason...
270
00:11:11,956 --> 00:11:14,758
- To love, and live.
- What is going on with you?
271
00:11:14,792 --> 00:11:17,127
Everyone's talking about
how weird you're acting.
272
00:11:17,161 --> 00:11:18,579
- What are you on?
- You know what?
273
00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:20,831
I have seen the ocean
on a can of tuna.
274
00:11:20,865 --> 00:11:23,250
Newsflash, Kenneth!
Everybody get down!
275
00:11:23,301 --> 00:11:25,302
It's not going to happen.
The world's not ending.
276
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:28,171
Oh, the rapture
is happening, sir.
277
00:11:28,206 --> 00:11:30,140
Mr. Rossitano
said he saw the snakes
278
00:11:30,174 --> 00:11:32,142
making peace
with the mice.
279
00:11:32,176 --> 00:11:34,144
You're like a child.
He's messing with you.
280
00:11:34,178 --> 00:11:35,712
And you know what?
281
00:11:35,730 --> 00:11:37,814
In the words of my father,
"you deserve to be disappointed.
282
00:11:37,849 --> 00:11:40,901
Merry Christmas."
283
00:11:47,191 --> 00:11:48,609
Can I talk to you,
Jennifer?
284
00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:50,944
Tracy, how do
nice people dress?
285
00:11:50,995 --> 00:11:52,946
Socks on their hands,
no belt, roller skates.
286
00:11:52,997 --> 00:11:55,616
Do you think Liz Lemon
has been acting weird lately?
287
00:11:55,667 --> 00:11:57,000
She's hiding
something from us.
288
00:11:57,035 --> 00:11:58,619
Like what?
A present? For me?
289
00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,270
Can I return it
for cash?
290
00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:01,338
No, this is
bigger than that.
291
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,173
Something like
a sex-change operation
292
00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:07,010
or a secret pregnancy
or a radioactive spider bite.
293
00:12:07,045 --> 00:12:09,012
I've got to get
her focus back on me,
294
00:12:09,047 --> 00:12:11,014
or who knows the dumb stuff
I'm going to start doing?
295
00:12:11,049 --> 00:12:14,101
Is that why you're
not wearing pants right now?
296
00:12:14,135 --> 00:12:16,853
Yes! I'm actually
glad this happened.
297
00:12:16,888 --> 00:12:18,121
You're proving my point.
298
00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:19,957
Look, if you think
something's going on with Liz,
299
00:12:19,991 --> 00:12:21,258
just follow her.
300
00:12:21,292 --> 00:12:23,477
Steal her mail,
go through her trash.
301
00:12:23,528 --> 00:12:25,329
That's what Paul and I
do to maintain intimacy
302
00:12:25,363 --> 00:12:27,130
when he's having
his period.
303
00:12:27,165 --> 00:12:28,966
Thanks J-Mo.
Great advice.
304
00:13:00,298 --> 00:13:02,099
Breathtaking.
305
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:04,801
You're the wind
beneath my wings.
306
00:13:07,138 --> 00:13:09,973
- Brock...
307
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:13,977
- I...like what you did.
308
00:13:14,012 --> 00:13:16,580
That was good singing.
309
00:13:16,614 --> 00:13:19,416
You don't have
a little rat face,
310
00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:22,285
you opposite of a turd
with eyes.
311
00:13:24,222 --> 00:13:25,989
Why are you messing with
perfection, Jack?
312
00:13:26,024 --> 00:13:28,792
You need to remember that
reality television is formulaic
313
00:13:28,826 --> 00:13:29,926
before you get us canceled.
314
00:13:29,961 --> 00:13:31,461
Because I will not go back
315
00:13:31,495 --> 00:13:33,697
to putting
hair extensions on dogs.
316
00:13:33,731 --> 00:13:34,998
Easy, d'Fwan.
317
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:36,833
Yeah, we have
a problem,
318
00:13:36,851 --> 00:13:38,168
but we're going
to get through it,
319
00:13:38,202 --> 00:13:39,503
'cause we're family.
320
00:13:39,537 --> 00:13:42,005
It's not working.
You're ruining the show.
321
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,007
You think I don't know
that it's not working, Jenna.
322
00:13:44,042 --> 00:13:46,109
Next week Jay-Z was
going to do a duet
323
00:13:46,144 --> 00:13:47,477
with one of the spinning
chairs from the Voice,
324
00:13:47,512 --> 00:13:50,947
and the chair
just pulled out.
325
00:13:50,982 --> 00:13:53,116
You're off
the leash, Jenna.
326
00:13:54,152 --> 00:13:56,036
Did you see
what happened here?
327
00:13:56,070 --> 00:13:59,122
We turned an argument
into an opportunity
328
00:13:59,157 --> 00:14:01,541
to become better friends.
329
00:14:01,576 --> 00:14:04,361
Aw.
330
00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:13,103
I'll see you in
heaven, Mr. Jordan.
331
00:14:13,137 --> 00:14:16,006
Ken, I only have room
in my brain for one problem,
332
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,908
so I'm not really absorbing
what you're saying.
333
00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:21,144
I have to go through Liz Lemon's
trash before she gets in.
334
00:14:21,179 --> 00:14:23,063
You're at work
before miss Lemon?
335
00:14:23,097 --> 00:14:26,983
Now, that's a sign
of the apocalypse.
336
00:14:33,458 --> 00:14:34,441
Time to die.
337
00:14:37,136 --> 00:14:39,525
You know what Emma?
That was pretty good.
338
00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,548
You were trying to get me
to commit suicide, right?
339
00:14:48,856 --> 00:14:50,757
Liddy, thank you
for coming in.
340
00:14:50,791 --> 00:14:52,492
I know you have to read
your books with sleepy bear
341
00:14:52,526 --> 00:14:55,662
in half an hour,
so I'll make this brief.
342
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:59,265
You're almost one now,
and you have to understand
343
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:02,201
the way the world works.
344
00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:04,504
Now, I don't know if you've seen
America's kidz got singing,
345
00:15:04,538 --> 00:15:06,072
but it's a hit.
346
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,540
Variety called it "Boffo,"
347
00:15:07,575 --> 00:15:10,276
and they don't throw
that word around lightly.
348
00:15:10,311 --> 00:15:12,412
However, there are large
portions of the show
349
00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:13,846
that feature Jenna
insulting children
350
00:15:13,881 --> 00:15:16,349
not much older
than yourself.
351
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,584
I know
what you're thinking...
352
00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,385
"Do you really care
about the bottom line
353
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,387
"more than the feelings of
helpless innocents?
354
00:15:21,422 --> 00:15:23,556
That's cruel."
Well, guess what Liddy.
355
00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:25,058
Life is cruel.
356
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,627
Sometimes in business,
there's collateral damage.
357
00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:28,778
And if you think
I'm going to turn my back
358
00:15:28,829 --> 00:15:34,100
on a 10.2/4.2 in the demo
just because I feel bad...
359
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:38,104
Just because those kids had the
same scared look on their faces
360
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,305
that you had when that dog
361
00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:41,240
got too close to your stroller
in the park.
362
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:42,508
And yes, being a parent
363
00:15:42,543 --> 00:15:46,078
is like wearing your heart
outside your body.
364
00:15:46,096 --> 00:15:48,081
And I don't want you
to know that the world
365
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,550
is really a scary,
disappointing place.
366
00:15:50,584 --> 00:15:52,852
You shouldn't have
to know that, not yet.
367
00:15:52,886 --> 00:15:55,521
Oh, God.
368
00:15:55,556 --> 00:15:58,808
I have to
cancel the show.
369
00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:01,060
What are you doing,
Liddy?
370
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:06,399
Are you touching my hand
because...you're a baby
371
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,868
and you're developing
your fine motor skills?
372
00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:11,671
Or are you trying
to tell me something?
373
00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:12,822
What are you
trying to tell me?
374
00:16:12,873 --> 00:16:13,823
Mommy.
375
00:16:13,874 --> 00:16:15,775
Did you
say "money"?
376
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,744
Is that your
first word... money?
377
00:16:17,778 --> 00:16:19,245
Mommy.
378
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,913
- Yes, money.
379
00:16:20,948 --> 00:16:22,715
Are you telling me
that money's more important
380
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,783
than doing what's right?
381
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,718
That I should keep on
doing the show?
382
00:16:25,753 --> 00:16:26,719
I want mommy.
383
00:16:26,754 --> 00:16:28,554
I want money too!
384
00:16:28,589 --> 00:16:31,090
Oh, thank you, Liddy.
385
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,293
Thank you for convincing me
to do the right thing.
386
00:16:34,311 --> 00:16:35,528
Aw.
387
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,129
Hey, think how disappointed
I am.
388
00:16:37,147 --> 00:16:39,032
I mean, I'm the...
389
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:44,470
I'm the one who had to
nude-baptize all those teens.
390
00:16:44,488 --> 00:16:45,805
Hey, buddy.
391
00:16:45,823 --> 00:16:48,324
Are you here
to make fun of me, sir?
392
00:16:48,359 --> 00:16:50,993
Well go ahead, make fun of
the super-handsome guy
393
00:16:51,028 --> 00:16:52,912
who believed too much.
394
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:54,313
I don't
want to make fun of you.
395
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:55,415
I know you're disappointed.
396
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:57,817
I just wish I had a magic wand
397
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:58,984
- to make it all... gah!
- Ah, Kenneth,
398
00:16:59,002 --> 00:17:01,821
it's all real.
The beast is here.
399
00:17:01,839 --> 00:17:04,590
Aah! Redire ad abyssum!
400
00:17:04,625 --> 00:17:05,925
Princeps tenebrarum!
401
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:07,377
Ow! It's me, Lutz.
402
00:17:07,428 --> 00:17:08,378
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
403
00:17:08,429 --> 00:17:09,996
Stop.
404
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,131
Toofer. Frank.
Get out here.
405
00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:16,853
You three
are in a time-out.
406
00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:19,055
Everybody in the van!
407
00:17:25,646 --> 00:17:27,196
Liz Lemon
is a crack whore.
408
00:17:27,231 --> 00:17:28,748
Probably not,
but continue.
409
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,183
It's
the only explanation.
410
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,518
She's on a ho stroll
to pay for her drug habit.
411
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,620
I followed her
last night, J.D.
412
00:17:34,655 --> 00:17:36,572
She went down
to Penn Station.
413
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:40,042
And not the fun stationery store
up on the Upper East Side.
414
00:17:40,077 --> 00:17:41,661
The skeezy one with trains.
415
00:17:41,695 --> 00:17:45,965
Well, there has to be
some other explanation.
416
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,366
Are you sure it was Liz Lemon
417
00:17:47,384 --> 00:17:48,835
and not present day
Sally Field?
418
00:17:48,869 --> 00:17:50,035
I know it's crazy.
419
00:17:50,053 --> 00:17:54,474
But ever since
we got back from Kwanzaa...
420
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,542
She's been
acting all weird.
421
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,177
All relaxed
and not angry.
422
00:17:58,212 --> 00:17:59,679
Well, it has been two days,
423
00:17:59,713 --> 00:18:01,147
and she hasn't once
stormed in here
424
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,883
carping about how
all the destructive hurricanes
425
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,718
get female names.
426
00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:07,320
But it can't be drugs.
427
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:11,056
Then how come
I found this in her trash?
428
00:18:11,074 --> 00:18:13,526
Oh, Tracy,
this is dexoprex.
429
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,595
My mother takes it
for joint pain.
430
00:18:15,629 --> 00:18:19,065
Her wrist was starting to bother
her from slapping busboys.
431
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,533
So it's not
the Bandito Blanco?
432
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,668
A name for cocaine
I just made up?
433
00:18:22,703 --> 00:18:24,670
I know Liz Lemon
better than she knows herself.
434
00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:26,672
Why would she need
joint pain medication?
435
00:18:26,707 --> 00:18:29,776
And why would she be
meeting people down by...
436
00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:31,577
Tracy.
437
00:18:31,612 --> 00:18:34,413
What building is right
next to Penn Station?
438
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:37,016
The Manhattan center
for penis enlargement?
439
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:38,768
I know because
my friend goes there.
440
00:18:38,802 --> 00:18:40,219
His name is Tracy.
441
00:18:40,254 --> 00:18:43,322
Madison Square Garden.
442
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,460
Did you know that
Lemon attended college
443
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:50,630
on a partial
jazz dance scholarship?
444
00:18:50,664 --> 00:18:51,998
And do you know
what event was held
445
00:18:52,032 --> 00:18:54,066
last night at
Madison Square Garden?
446
00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:56,903
A crack whore
convention?
447
00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,070
No. Worse.
448
00:18:59,773 --> 00:19:01,908
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
449
00:19:01,942 --> 00:19:05,845
the WNBA's most popular
dance team,
450
00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:07,747
"the Timeless Torches."
451
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:28,401
Oh, God!
So much grapevining!
452
00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:36,943
It's so beautiful.
453
00:19:36,977 --> 00:19:39,212
A mermaid!
454
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,780
Dude, those are diapers.
455
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:50,456
So that's why you've been so
happy and distracted lately.
456
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:54,544
The joy of movement, exercise,
10% off arena snacks
457
00:19:54,595 --> 00:19:56,596
with your torch card.
458
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:59,015
And who figured
the whole thing out?
459
00:19:59,049 --> 00:20:01,968
The man who knows me better
than I know myself.
460
00:20:02,002 --> 00:20:04,387
Pull over here, please.
This is me.
461
00:20:07,608 --> 00:20:09,108
Ah, going
to the movies.
462
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:12,311
You're going
alone, to the 9:10 showing
463
00:20:12,346 --> 00:20:14,714
of Garry Marshall's
New Year's Eve.
464
00:20:14,748 --> 00:20:16,449
You've waited
five weeks to see it,
465
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:17,884
to make sure that
you wouldn't contribute
466
00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,886
to it being the number one
movie in America.
467
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,721
You'll say you're
seeing it ironically,
468
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:24,657
and yet you'll tear up
when Ashton Kutcher
469
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,059
- kisses Lea Michele.
- You know me.
470
00:20:27,094 --> 00:20:30,413
I love it when the swarthy girl
gets the guy.
471
00:21:32,025 --> 00:21:33,592
A disgusting disappointment.
472
00:21:34,302 --> 00:21:36,502
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
473
00:21:36,517 --> 00:21:38,801
My name is Bob.
I'm 61 years old.
474
00:21:38,813 --> 00:21:41,116
My favorite move
is the shoulder shake.
475
00:21:42,303 --> 00:21:44,738
My name is Joyce.
I'm 63 years young.
476
00:21:44,773 --> 00:21:48,075
My favorite move
is the Dougie.
477
00:21:48,109 --> 00:21:49,977
I'm Liz. I'm 39,
for the third time,
478
00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:53,413
and my favorite move
is sunset arms.
479
00:21:53,448 --> 00:21:55,449
Hi, I'm Lewis.
I'm a grandfather
480
00:21:55,483 --> 00:21:56,500
from the Dominican Republic,
481
00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:59,386
and my favorite move
is the lift.
482
00:22:01,155 --> 00:22:02,122
Sorry, Lewis.
483
00:22:02,156 --> 00:22:04,124
Nice try, Liz.
484
00:22:04,158 --> 00:22:06,660
Dance like
nobody's watchin'!