[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ WHISTLING MUSICALLY ]
Amanda: NEVER HAVE ALL OF MY GROCERIES. COME ON.
-LIKE, WHAT? -Kelcey: HEY.
Lucy: [ SNIFFLES ]
-Kelcey: WHO DIED? -Amanda: OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
Lucy: [ Voice breaking ] THEY'RE BRENDAN'S.
Amanda: [ SIGHS ] WE MISSED THEM IN THE CLEANSE.
HOW DID WE MISS THEM IN THE CLEANSE?
Lucy: NO, THEY WERE IN THE HAMPER, AND I WAS DOING THE LAUNDRY.
AND THEY WERE IN THE HAMPER, AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH!
-Kelcey: ARE THOSE CRABS ON THOSE BOXERS? -Lucy: THEY'RE CUTE.
Kelcey: I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU WANT CRABS ON YOUR CROTCH?
YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS?
Lucy: [ GRUNTS ] [ CLOTH RIPPING ]
Kelcey: OKAY, HOW CAN I HELP YOU IF YOU WON'T LET GO?
YOU CAN TRADE THEM IN FOR ANY OF THE HUNDREDS OF BOXERS IN AMANDA'S ROOM.
Amanda: HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU THINK I'VE SLEPT WITH?
Kelcey: I DON'T KNOW. NOT HUNDREDS, BUT DOZENS?
-Lucy: SEVEN DOZEN? -Kelcey: THIS YEAR?
Amanda: WHA-- I HAVE BEEN WITH FOUR GUYS THIS YEAR.
Lucy: I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH ONE GUY IN FOUR YEARS.
Kelcey: OKAY, THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM. YOU NEED TO MEET PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
WE'RE GOING OUT, IF ONLY FOR THE FREE DRINKS. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
-Lucy: NO. -Kelcey: I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES!
Lucy: [ SIGHS ]
Amanda: [ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS ONE?
Lucy: [ SCOFFS ] I DON'T KNOW. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY POCKETS.
IT'S ALL LIKE [ Deep voice ] SEXY, SEXY TIME.
[ Normal voice ] I MEAN, YOU GUYS, I AM NOT SEXY, OKAY?
Kelcey: NEITHER IS THE PHRASE [ Deep voice ] SEXY, SEXY TIME.
Amanda: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU ARE!
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY ACTING CAREER.
Kelcey: [ Normal voice ] CAREER?
Amanda: YOU CAN'T DRESS HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU HAVE TO DRESS HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL.
I MEAN, YOU CAN BE ANYONE YOU WANT TONIGHT.
Lucy: OKAY, WELL, THEN, CAN I BE SOMEBODY WHO STAYS HOME ON THE COUCH
Amanda: YEAH!
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] OOH, I'LL GET IT.
Kelcey: YOU MIGHT WANT TO MOW THE LAWN IN THERE.
THE NEXT ONE'S EVEN SHORTER.
Lucy: OH, GOD. WHERE ARE YOU?
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH OTHER GUYS.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
Kelcey: HEY, SO I JUST GOOGLED IT,
AND IT TURNS OUT THE LANDING STRIP IS STILL A CLASSIC.
SO GRAB THAT TRIM STYLER AND GET TO WORK IN THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
[ CELLPHONE CLICKING ]
THIS ONE'S CALLED THE ARCTIC CIRCLE?
HELLO, ESKIMO.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
GET A LOOK.
-Lucy: UH... -Kelcey: THAT'S THE SAME DRESS.
Lucy: YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I DO LIKE THIS ONE.
Kelcey: OKAY, COOL. BABY STEPS.
-Lucy: HMM. -Amanda: HEY, LOVE BIRDS!
GUESS WHO JUST GOT A CALLBACK FOR A PART WITH ACTUAL DIALOGUE!
Lucy: AAH!
Kelcey: YOU REALIZE THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ?
Amanda: IT'S AN INFOMERCIAL.
Kelcey: OH, THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.
Lucy: NO, NO, I LOVE INFOMERCIALS.
THEY'RE LIKE COMFORT FOOD FOR INSOMNIACS.
Amanda: BUT THE BUMMER THING IS THAT AUDITIONS ARE TONIGHT.
Kelcey: THAT'S OKAY. I GOT THIS ONE.
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, UM...
Lucy: NO, MY CRABS!
Amanda: [ LAUGHS ]
Lucy: YOU'RE MEAN.
Kelcey: OKAY, I'LL MAKE THIS EASY FOR YOU.
PICK A GUY, ANY GUY.
Lucy: YEAH, I DON'T SEE MY TYPE HERE.
Kelcey: PROJECT-MANAGER DOUCHE BAG WHO CRITICIZES YOUR EVERY FLAW?
I GUARANTEE YOU THERE'S ONE HERE SOMEWHERE.
OKAY, WHO LOOKS CUTE TO YOU?
SO, ONCE YOU'VE CHOSEN YOUR VICTIM...
Lucy: OKAY.
Kelcey: ...TRY TO SHOW HIM YOU'RE INTERESTED
BY HOLDING HIS GAZE FIVE SECONDS LONGER THAN YOU'D LIKE TO.
Lucy: 1...2 --
Kelcey: DON'T ACTUALLY COUNT. THAT'S WEIRD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST GO OVER THERE.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH, NO, LUCY. NOT THE PHONE.
Lucy: [ SIGHS ] WE BUMPED PHONES.
Kelcey: WELL, GREAT.
NOW THAT YOUR PHONE'S GOTTEN SOME ACTION, IT'S YOUR TURN.
WE'RE GETTING YOU LAID TONIGHT.
-Lucy: NO, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. -Kelcey: YEAH, IT IS.
YOU NEED SOME SLEAZY BOOTY REBOUND SEX,
SOME PALATE-CLEANSER SEX,
SOME "YOU'RE IN THE FREEZER SECTION OF THE GROCERY STORE PICKING OUT SORBET" SEX.
Lucy: NO, KELCEY, I'M NOT READY. I NEED MORE TIME.
Kelcey: NO, YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.
PROCRASTINATION IS JUST MAKING IT HARDER.
LUCY, FOR ONE NIGHT, JUST DON'T THINK.
DO IT.
LITERALLY.
Man: DO YOU LIVE ALONE?
Lucy: I DON'T, BUT MY ROOMMATES ARE GONE.
[ GIGGLES ]
Man: YOUR PLACE IS NICE.
Lucy: DON'T SAY ANYTHING!
[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD!
-CRABS! -Man: WHAT?
Lucy: NO, MY BOYFRIEND HAS THE SAME PAIR!
Man: BOYFRIEND?
Lucy: [ Voice breaking ] YEAH, EX-BOYFRIEND.
I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP.
Man: [ SIGHS ] AM I YOUR FIRST?
Lucy: YEAH, THE SHERBET OR WHATEVER.
Man: OKAY, YEAH, UM... [ CLEARS THROAT ]
HEY, UH, LISTEN.
I'VE BEEN ON THE LOSING END OF SOME HORRIBLE BREAKUPS.
YOU KNOW, MOST DAYS YOU'RE FINE, BUT THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR EX,
-AND YOU JUST FALL APART. -Lucy: YEAH.
Man: LIKE AN EARRING, YOU KNOW?
-Lucy: YEAH. -Man: OR LIKE A BOOK...
-Lucy: TOTALLY. -Man: ...A VIBRATOR,
SEX TAPE YOU MADE WITH THE HOT NEIGHBORS.
GOD.
Lucy: WELL, I CAN KIND OF SEE WHERE THAT RELATIONSHIP WENT WRONG.
Man: WHAT? WELL, LISTEN, NEVER MIND.
LOOK, THE POINT IS...
MAYBE IT'S OUR SUBCONSCIOUS TELLING US
WE'RE NOT READY TO MOVE ON YET.
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST A STUPID PAIR OF BOXERS.
-Man: OKAY. -Lucy: OKAY.
Man: I CAN TAKE 'EM OFF, TOO, IF THAT'S BETTER.
Lucy: YEAH, YOU WANT TO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS, WHISTLING MUSICALLY ]