1
00:00:06,933 --> 00:00:07,934
Liz,
2
00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:09,431
there's something
wrong with Pete.
3
00:00:15,054 --> 00:00:17,889
Oh, my God, is he dead?
4
00:00:17,923 --> 00:00:20,141
I... I don't know what happened.
5
00:00:25,314 --> 00:00:28,316
Kenneth, I need a light bulb
replaced in my dressing room.
6
00:00:28,350 --> 00:00:31,352
Easy as pie, Ms. Maroney.
What could go wrong?
7
00:00:31,386 --> 00:00:35,156
Why would I even say that?
8
00:00:43,032 --> 00:00:45,116
Hey, whatever
happened to TiVo?
9
00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,534
Remember, you used
to fast-forward,
10
00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:48,236
it'd make that sound?
Boop-boop, boop-boop.
11
00:00:48,270 --> 00:00:50,789
Yeah. Yeah, then it'd
be all like, bung-bung.
12
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,124
- Boop-boop, boop-boop.
- Bung-bung, bung-bung.
13
00:00:53,175 --> 00:00:54,943
- Bung-bung, bung-bung.
- Boop-boop, boop-boop.
14
00:00:54,977 --> 00:00:58,313
Boop-boop, boop-boop.
15
00:00:58,347 --> 00:01:01,082
What's this?
16
00:01:06,388 --> 00:01:10,358
It's Terry, the gender-neutral
doll I had when I was a kid.
17
00:01:10,392 --> 00:01:14,929
And he/she has his/her
baseball glove and baby.
18
00:01:14,947 --> 00:01:17,198
And both sets of genitals!
19
00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:18,666
That was hard to track down.
20
00:01:18,701 --> 00:01:20,468
Today, almost all of them
are in police evidence lockers.
21
00:01:20,502 --> 00:01:22,369
So, happy three-month
anniversary,
22
00:01:22,404 --> 00:01:25,150
and happy two-week anniversary
of you going to the bathroom
23
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:25,826
when I'm here.
24
00:01:25,848 --> 00:01:27,185
You shouldn't
be buying me gifts.
25
00:01:27,243 --> 00:01:28,609
You should be saving
for your business.
26
00:01:28,627 --> 00:01:30,345
Oh, I think
remembering our anniversary
27
00:01:30,379 --> 00:01:31,946
is going to get
me some business.
28
00:01:31,964 --> 00:01:33,948
Aww, yeah!
29
00:01:33,966 --> 00:01:38,386
There's a whole other hand
where that came from, big boy.
30
00:01:38,420 --> 00:01:40,004
Not my best.
31
00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:42,157
Hey, listen, why don't
you go in late today, okay?
32
00:01:42,191 --> 00:01:43,658
I'll make pancakes
with M&Ms in them.
33
00:01:43,692 --> 00:01:44,843
Fine, I'll stay!
Gyah.
34
00:01:44,894 --> 00:01:46,177
All right.
35
00:01:46,228 --> 00:01:47,328
Do you want a smiley face?
36
00:01:47,363 --> 00:01:50,365
German flag, please.
37
00:01:53,486 --> 00:01:55,970
Jordan's comments have
angered gay-rights groups
38
00:01:55,988 --> 00:01:57,839
and are likely
annoying his co-workers
39
00:01:57,873 --> 00:02:00,074
who thought they'd linger
over breakfast this morning,
40
00:02:00,109 --> 00:02:01,826
perhaps with a new lover.
41
00:02:01,861 --> 00:02:04,846
Wow, that is some detailed
reporting, curry.
44
00:02:25,601 --> 00:02:26,551
Over it!
45
00:02:26,602 --> 00:02:28,469
- NBC!
- Over it!
46
00:02:28,504 --> 00:02:30,221
- NBC!
- Over it!
47
00:02:30,272 --> 00:02:32,056
Word.
48
00:02:32,107 --> 00:02:35,076
Ugh, look at that
old bag from TGS.
49
00:02:35,110 --> 00:02:37,278
Okay,
I am a human being, sir.
50
00:02:37,313 --> 00:02:39,614
Oh, you mean my tote bag.
51
00:02:39,648 --> 00:02:41,849
Yes, I need a new one.
52
00:02:41,867 --> 00:02:44,118
Look, I'm sorry about Tracy.
53
00:02:44,153 --> 00:02:47,705
He really is a good person.
54
00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:50,875
Do you think I'm
pulling this hat off?
55
00:02:50,910 --> 00:02:52,060
No.
56
00:02:52,094 --> 00:02:54,913
- From the top!
- Over it!
57
00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,083
Oh, my God, there you are.
58
00:02:59,134 --> 00:03:00,385
We're losing sponsors, Liz.
59
00:03:00,419 --> 00:03:01,603
Did you know that snuggles
60
00:03:01,637 --> 00:03:03,705
the fabric softener bear
is gay?
61
00:03:05,391 --> 00:03:06,975
He's dating the charmin cub.
62
00:03:07,009 --> 00:03:10,645
I thought they were babies.
63
00:03:10,679 --> 00:03:12,213
Unbelievable.
64
00:03:12,248 --> 00:03:14,849
Tracy, do you know how many of
your hard-working and dedicated
65
00:03:14,883 --> 00:03:18,736
co-workers are gay?
66
00:03:18,771 --> 00:03:22,056
Him. Him.
67
00:03:22,091 --> 00:03:25,460
Her when she's drunk.
68
00:03:25,494 --> 00:03:27,562
I genuinely don't know.
69
00:03:27,596 --> 00:03:29,831
That one's a puzzler.
70
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,869
And why did you have
to offend the gay community?
71
00:03:34,904 --> 00:03:38,339
It is the most organized
of all the communities.
72
00:03:38,374 --> 00:03:40,758
They make the Japanese
look like the Greeks.
73
00:03:40,793 --> 00:03:43,845
How is what I said offensive,
and that's not?
74
00:03:43,879 --> 00:03:46,347
Because no one
heard me say it.
75
00:03:46,382 --> 00:03:49,350
Look, I need to know what
we're apologizing for, Tray.
76
00:03:49,385 --> 00:03:51,719
What did you say?
77
00:03:51,754 --> 00:03:53,288
Being gay is stupid.
78
00:03:53,322 --> 00:03:56,157
If you want to see a penis,
take off your pants.
79
00:03:56,191 --> 00:03:57,859
If I got turned into a gay,
80
00:03:57,893 --> 00:04:00,662
I'd sit around all day
and look at my own junk.
81
00:04:00,696 --> 00:04:02,146
Oh, my God.
82
00:04:02,197 --> 00:04:05,366
First of all, if you
"got turned into a gay"?
83
00:04:05,401 --> 00:04:07,568
Do you think the people of
Raleigh, North Carolina
84
00:04:07,603 --> 00:04:09,437
turned Clay Aiken gay?
85
00:04:09,471 --> 00:04:11,789
Why not?
The Bronx turned me dyslexic.
86
00:04:11,824 --> 00:04:14,275
Look, you're a public figure,
and believe it or not,
87
00:04:14,310 --> 00:04:17,812
the dumb things you say
may influence or hurt people.
88
00:04:17,846 --> 00:04:19,013
You need to apologize.
89
00:04:19,048 --> 00:04:21,499
I already called Glad,
Liz Lemon.
90
00:04:21,550 --> 00:04:23,134
Thank you for calling Glad,
91
00:04:23,168 --> 00:04:25,219
stronger trash bags
with less plastic.
92
00:04:25,254 --> 00:04:27,088
This is Diane.
How may I help you?
93
00:04:27,122 --> 00:04:29,490
Hey Diane,
it's Tracy Jordan.
94
00:04:29,525 --> 00:04:30,925
Sorry about what I said.
95
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,560
- Well, okeydokey.
96
00:04:32,594 --> 00:04:34,362
That's the wrong
"glad," Tracy.
97
00:04:34,396 --> 00:04:36,564
Whatever. I'm tired of
apologizing all the time
98
00:04:36,598 --> 00:04:38,182
for just being myself.
99
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,501
Remember when I offended
stubborn people?
100
00:04:40,536 --> 00:04:42,403
That took forever
to sort out.
101
00:04:42,438 --> 00:04:43,404
Well, Tracy,
102
00:04:43,439 --> 00:04:44,472
I know you don't want me
103
00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:45,473
writing an apology for you.
104
00:04:45,491 --> 00:04:47,191
That's terrific, thank you.
105
00:04:47,242 --> 00:04:48,676
Aww.
106
00:04:51,196 --> 00:04:52,530
Lemon.
107
00:04:52,581 --> 00:04:54,649
I'm on top of the Tracy thing.
I just spoke to him...
108
00:04:54,683 --> 00:04:59,537
Actually, I want to talk
to you about something else.
109
00:04:59,588 --> 00:05:01,673
Because of my unfortunate
situation with Avery,
110
00:05:01,707 --> 00:05:03,124
I'm alone.
111
00:05:03,158 --> 00:05:04,459
And I know, of course,
that you're not seeing anyone,
112
00:05:04,493 --> 00:05:07,662
therefore I've decided
that you and I
113
00:05:07,696 --> 00:05:09,063
should become
friends with benefits.
114
00:05:09,098 --> 00:05:11,232
No, thank you, please.
115
00:05:11,266 --> 00:05:13,267
Aha! The only reason
you would reject that offer
116
00:05:13,302 --> 00:05:14,702
is if you had
a secret boyfriend.
117
00:05:14,737 --> 00:05:17,238
Right,
that's the only reason.
118
00:05:17,272 --> 00:05:18,606
I saw you, Lemon.
At the movies, last night,
119
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,025
with your mouth on a man.
120
00:05:22,695 --> 00:05:24,345
Why would you
keep this from me
121
00:05:24,363 --> 00:05:25,780
after all
of our time together?
122
00:05:25,814 --> 00:05:28,700
This is hurtful, Elizabeth.
123
00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:29,717
What's his name?
124
00:05:29,752 --> 00:05:31,452
I don't want to tell you.
125
00:05:31,487 --> 00:05:32,620
Why?
Is it a stupid name,
126
00:05:32,654 --> 00:05:34,722
like "Dakota" or "Barack"?
127
00:05:34,757 --> 00:05:36,190
His name is "Chris,"
128
00:05:36,225 --> 00:05:37,358
and I'm sorry,
but for my own reasons...
129
00:05:37,376 --> 00:05:38,793
And "Chris" is spelled?
130
00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:41,579
No "h" and two "s"s.
131
00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:43,864
That! Right there, that's
why I didn't want to tell you,
132
00:05:43,882 --> 00:05:46,067
because I knew you
wouldn't approve of him.
133
00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:47,268
Why? What does
he do for a living?
134
00:05:47,302 --> 00:05:48,803
Criss is trying to...
135
00:05:48,837 --> 00:05:50,704
You can stop right there.
136
00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,390
He's an entrepreneur.
He's currently meeting with
137
00:05:52,424 --> 00:05:53,925
investors in the
hopes of starting an
138
00:05:53,976 --> 00:05:55,877
organic gourmet
hot dog truck.
139
00:05:55,911 --> 00:05:58,413
Lemon, I have said
"good God" to you before,
140
00:05:58,447 --> 00:06:00,915
but I don't think
I've ever meant it until now.
141
00:06:00,949 --> 00:06:02,550
Good God!
142
00:06:02,568 --> 00:06:03,751
Where does this person live?
143
00:06:03,786 --> 00:06:06,220
- Don't worry about it.
- How bad can it be?
144
00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:09,457
Jersey city?
His parents' apartment?
145
00:06:09,491 --> 00:06:11,292
It's not a walk-up, is it?
146
00:06:11,326 --> 00:06:14,095
He's actually been living
with me for the past month.
147
00:06:14,129 --> 00:06:16,030
Ah.
148
00:06:16,065 --> 00:06:18,750
No, I am not engaging,
I am not inviting input, Jack,
149
00:06:18,784 --> 00:06:19,917
because Criss is different.
150
00:06:19,952 --> 00:06:21,202
How is he different?
151
00:06:21,236 --> 00:06:22,270
Well, that's just
a stupid question.
152
00:06:22,304 --> 00:06:24,105
I mean,
I'm more relaxed around him.
153
00:06:24,139 --> 00:06:28,309
My jaw stopped popping.
Listen.
154
00:06:28,343 --> 00:06:30,845
And for once I'm not
overthinking everything,
155
00:06:30,879 --> 00:06:33,414
which is why
I don't want you in my head.
156
00:06:33,432 --> 00:06:36,184
Ah, but I'm already
in your head, Lemon.
157
00:06:36,218 --> 00:06:38,102
The fact that you felt
you had to keep "Chris,"
158
00:06:38,137 --> 00:06:40,922
and I'm saying his name
with an "h" and only one "s",
159
00:06:40,956 --> 00:06:44,158
the fact that you
kept him from me simply proves
160
00:06:44,193 --> 00:06:45,793
that it doesn't matter
whether I meet him or not.
161
00:06:45,828 --> 00:06:47,361
You already know
what I would say,
162
00:06:47,396 --> 00:06:48,963
and you know I'm right.
163
00:06:48,997 --> 00:06:50,198
I'm ignoring you.
You're not here.
164
00:06:50,232 --> 00:06:51,933
- Who's not here, Liz?
- I don't know, Liz.
165
00:06:51,967 --> 00:06:54,118
- I love you.
- Oh, I love you too.
166
00:06:54,153 --> 00:06:55,769
So I might as well
meet him and get it over with.
167
00:06:55,788 --> 00:06:56,904
I'll probably love him.
168
00:06:56,939 --> 00:06:58,956
After all,
we're both Princeton men.
169
00:06:58,991 --> 00:07:01,609
Princeton?
No, Criss went to... no!
170
00:07:01,627 --> 00:07:03,711
I am on to you. I am not
going to talk about him.
171
00:07:03,745 --> 00:07:06,130
You can't keep me out.
172
00:07:11,979 --> 00:07:14,879
Oh, Ms. Maroney.
I'm afraid I have bad news.
173
00:07:14,979 --> 00:07:16,296
- Jenny McCarthy died?
174
00:07:16,331 --> 00:07:17,965
But who could have been
slowly poisoning her?
175
00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:19,733
Was she poisoned?
I have no way of knowing,
176
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:20,867
because I'm
just hearing about it.
177
00:07:20,902 --> 00:07:23,036
No, ma'am,
I spoke to maintenance
178
00:07:23,071 --> 00:07:24,988
about replacing the
light bulbs in your room,
179
00:07:25,023 --> 00:07:28,476
but Mr. Subhas is refusing
to do any work for TGS
180
00:07:28,512 --> 00:07:31,305
until Mr. Jordan issues
an apology for his remarks.
181
00:07:31,746 --> 00:07:33,280
He also said
that he thinks, quote,
182
00:07:33,314 --> 00:07:35,582
"sexuality is a continuum,"
and he is but
183
00:07:35,617 --> 00:07:40,820
a voyager on a vast
ocean of pleasure.
184
00:07:40,838 --> 00:07:42,506
- This is unacceptable,
Kenneth.
185
00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:43,924
Do you understand
how important
186
00:07:43,958 --> 00:07:45,926
proper lighting
is to an actress?
187
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,395
Especially now that I'm
officially a "B-list" celebrity,
188
00:07:48,429 --> 00:07:50,631
thanks to
America's kids got singing.
189
00:07:50,665 --> 00:07:53,133
Oh, congratulations,
Ms. Maroney.
190
00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:54,735
I just found out this morning,
191
00:07:54,769 --> 00:07:57,904
Teri Polo and Ving Rhames
called me at home.
192
00:07:57,939 --> 00:08:00,374
So what if a tour came by
and some Fanny pack fatty
193
00:08:00,408 --> 00:08:03,810
took a picture of me in my
poorly-lit dressing room?
194
00:08:03,844 --> 00:08:06,546
And then they put the
picture on the Internet?
195
00:08:06,581 --> 00:08:09,700
That can't happen.
196
00:08:09,734 --> 00:08:11,868
I need my special,
pink-gel fluorescents,
197
00:08:11,903 --> 00:08:13,253
and I need them now.
198
00:08:13,287 --> 00:08:16,022
But only maintenance
is allowed in the supply room.
199
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,525
Kenneth, do this for me,
200
00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,627
someone I hope
you consider a friend,
201
00:08:20,662 --> 00:08:22,379
and who in return
thinks of you
202
00:08:22,413 --> 00:08:24,665
as sort of
an albino slave-monkey.
203
00:08:24,699 --> 00:08:26,717
Aw, you think of me?
204
00:08:26,751 --> 00:08:28,368
Mm-hmm.
205
00:08:28,403 --> 00:08:30,303
But I don't have a key.
206
00:08:30,338 --> 00:08:32,673
You think we need a key?
207
00:08:32,707 --> 00:08:34,708
I guess someone's never been
locked in a dog crate
208
00:08:34,726 --> 00:08:38,679
and thrown overboard for
displeasing the sheikh.
209
00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:45,936
A statement from TGS head
writer Elizabeth Lemon, adding...
210
00:08:45,987 --> 00:08:48,689
I gotta get a real headshot.
211
00:08:57,665 --> 00:08:59,249
In other news,
after lots of high financial...
212
00:08:59,283 --> 00:09:02,335
And now, I am
headed home for a "nooner,"
213
00:09:02,370 --> 00:09:08,241
which is what I call
having pancakes for lunch.
214
00:09:08,276 --> 00:09:10,877
Liz Lemon, did you just
call me an idiot on this TV?
215
00:09:10,911 --> 00:09:11,878
Yeah, but...
216
00:09:13,798 --> 00:09:16,650
And what exactly
is that supposed to mean?
217
00:09:16,684 --> 00:09:18,185
It means you're someone
who should know better,
218
00:09:18,219 --> 00:09:20,437
but you constantly
do stupid things.
219
00:09:20,471 --> 00:09:26,026
How dare you! I am nonplussed,
and that is the correct usage.
220
00:09:26,060 --> 00:09:27,728
You have offended
and humiliated me.
221
00:09:27,762 --> 00:09:28,962
Well, maybe now you
know how gay people felt
222
00:09:28,996 --> 00:09:31,732
when you suggested
that they sit around all day
223
00:09:31,766 --> 00:09:33,033
and look at their own junk.
224
00:09:33,067 --> 00:09:34,785
Wait.
Why don't they do that?
225
00:09:36,871 --> 00:09:39,439
Okay, you're right, L.L.
I do get how they felt.
226
00:09:39,457 --> 00:09:43,677
Insulted, marginalized,
and outraged.
227
00:09:43,711 --> 00:09:46,780
Which is why I'm going to do
exactly what they did
228
00:09:46,798 --> 00:09:49,666
and organize
a protest of this network.
229
00:09:49,717 --> 00:09:51,485
A protest? By whom?
230
00:09:51,519 --> 00:09:53,453
By idiots!
231
00:09:57,625 --> 00:09:58,925
What an idiot.
232
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,178
All right, I'm out.
233
00:10:01,229 --> 00:10:02,462
I've been dealing
with Tracy all morning,
234
00:10:02,497 --> 00:10:04,264
and clearly this
is only going to get worse.
235
00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:06,566
Time to go into
Hornberger crisis mode.
236
00:10:06,601 --> 00:10:08,568
Is that when you cry
on the floor in your office?
237
00:10:08,603 --> 00:10:09,770
Nope, I do that
when I see myself
238
00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:11,104
in the mirror on my birthday.
239
00:10:11,139 --> 00:10:15,475
Crisis mode is when I down
a couple of sleeping pills
240
00:10:15,510 --> 00:10:18,178
with scotch, pass out
in my secret napping place,
241
00:10:18,212 --> 00:10:20,664
and hope I dream about
that latina security guard.
242
00:10:20,698 --> 00:10:22,682
The one you always
kiss on the mouth.
243
00:10:22,717 --> 00:10:24,317
That's normal in Guatemala.
244
00:10:24,335 --> 00:10:25,869
Oh.
245
00:10:27,955 --> 00:10:30,423
Picking a lock
is like riding a bike.
246
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:31,675
They're both skills you need
247
00:10:31,709 --> 00:10:34,429
to escape the Atlanta Falcons'
equipment room.
248
00:10:36,347 --> 00:10:37,681
Hurry, Ms. Maroney.
249
00:10:37,715 --> 00:10:39,299
If Mr. Subhas
finds us in here,
250
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:40,801
I don't even know
what he'll say,
251
00:10:40,835 --> 00:10:42,219
because I can't understand him.
252
00:10:42,270 --> 00:10:44,805
There!
My pink fluorescents.
253
00:10:44,839 --> 00:10:47,307
They're the same lights poultry
farms use to keep the birds
254
00:10:47,341 --> 00:10:49,226
from pecking each
other to death.
255
00:10:56,584 --> 00:10:58,518
Are you as turned on
as I am right now?
256
00:10:58,553 --> 00:11:00,654
Oh,
we have to clean this up.
257
00:11:00,688 --> 00:11:03,240
"Fluorescent lights
contain Mercury."
258
00:11:03,291 --> 00:11:04,291
That's poisonous.
259
00:11:04,325 --> 00:11:06,059
I'm well aware
of that, Kenneth.
260
00:11:06,093 --> 00:11:08,228
I faked Mercury poisoning
to get out of my contract
261
00:11:08,262 --> 00:11:09,629
- - The musical.
262
00:11:09,664 --> 00:11:13,633
"If broken, remove all people
and pets from the room"?
263
00:11:13,668 --> 00:11:14,885
Why? Are there fumes?
264
00:11:14,919 --> 00:11:17,137
Are we breathing
Mercury fumes right now?
265
00:11:17,171 --> 00:11:20,724
Kenneth. I'm going to tell you
what I told Phil Spector.
266
00:11:20,758 --> 00:11:22,342
"It's gonna be okay, baby.
267
00:11:22,376 --> 00:11:23,677
"We just have
to get some trash bags
268
00:11:23,711 --> 00:11:25,946
"and get back here
before anyone's the wiser.
269
00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:27,848
Then we can keep
recording my album."
270
00:11:41,746 --> 00:11:43,897
Oh, come on, Subhas.
271
00:11:43,931 --> 00:11:48,401
Got to keep daddy's
special sleepy-place clean.
272
00:11:49,804 --> 00:11:52,923
Hey, so check this out.
273
00:11:52,957 --> 00:11:55,542
I think I saw Billy Dee Williams
in riverside park this morning
274
00:11:55,576 --> 00:11:56,576
when I was meeting dogs.
275
00:11:58,613 --> 00:12:01,047
Now that seems like a good use
of time for a busy entrepreneur.
276
00:12:01,082 --> 00:12:05,585
Hello, Lemon.
Chew with your mouth closed.
277
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:07,721
So, question about
Lando Calrissian...
278
00:12:07,755 --> 00:12:08,955
Is that an Armenian name?
279
00:12:08,990 --> 00:12:10,457
Is he a space Armenian?
280
00:12:10,491 --> 00:12:11,858
I don't know.
281
00:12:11,893 --> 00:12:13,693
The Kardashians are Armenian,
they're into black guys,
282
00:12:13,728 --> 00:12:15,929
so there's something to it...
283
00:12:15,963 --> 00:12:17,631
I like how his voice goes up
284
00:12:17,665 --> 00:12:20,333
at the ends of sentences.
285
00:12:20,368 --> 00:12:23,269
That's very masculine.
286
00:12:23,287 --> 00:12:26,840
Oh, my. Is that a tan line
on Criss' thumb?
287
00:12:26,874 --> 00:12:29,175
Did Criss used
to wear a thumb ring?
288
00:12:33,998 --> 00:12:35,148
Oh, better hold on
to this one.
289
00:12:35,182 --> 00:12:37,951
He's getting
a free muffin soon.
290
00:12:37,969 --> 00:12:43,156
Wow, I've never seen a
sunglass hut credit card before.
291
00:12:45,793 --> 00:12:49,462
Oh, a ukulele with an
Obama sticker on it.
292
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:53,817
Hmm.
this guy might suck
293
00:12:53,851 --> 00:12:56,152
That was a gift
from Criss' kickball team.
294
00:12:56,187 --> 00:12:57,304
Well,
I think I've seen enough.
295
00:13:00,274 --> 00:13:01,808
Which totally supports your
theory that the phillie phanatic
296
00:13:01,842 --> 00:13:03,360
is biologically a female.
297
00:13:03,411 --> 00:13:04,577
Oh, yeah,
if you watch those games,
298
00:13:04,612 --> 00:13:06,813
that thing definitely
has a menstrual cycle.
299
00:13:06,831 --> 00:13:09,666
- Right?
- You gonna put on pants today?
300
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,485
Eh.
301
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,171
I'm in your head.
302
00:13:24,610 --> 00:13:28,548
We're here, we're proud,
I came up with this rhyme!
303
00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:30,889
You brought this on yourself,
Liz Lemon.
304
00:13:30,921 --> 00:13:33,722
The so-called idiot community
will not be silenced.
305
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:35,658
For God's sake, Tracy.
306
00:13:35,692 --> 00:13:38,361
We are legion.
We are America.
307
00:13:38,395 --> 00:13:42,398
Frat guys, DJs,
loud-mouthed old bitches,
308
00:13:42,416 --> 00:13:45,201
investment bankers,
the tramp-stamped,
309
00:13:45,235 --> 00:13:48,037
parrot-heads,
anti-vaccination crusaders,
310
00:13:48,071 --> 00:13:51,090
and people who won't
shut up about scuba diving.
311
00:13:51,124 --> 00:13:53,092
It's a whole
other world down there.
312
00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:55,294
And our celebrity
spokesperson,
313
00:13:55,345 --> 00:13:56,962
actress Denise Richards.
314
00:13:59,599 --> 00:14:04,470
That's right.
I'm an idiot. Surprised?
315
00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:07,957
Well, I am.
For all "intensive purposes."
316
00:14:07,991 --> 00:14:10,476
Our community
is mobilized now, L.L.
317
00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:12,194
And we're not leaving
until we're heard.
318
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,098
You can't ignore us,
Liz Lemon.
319
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:20,319
We will be out here every day,
misremembering movie quotes.
320
00:14:20,370 --> 00:14:22,905
Because as Braveheart said,
321
00:14:22,939 --> 00:14:26,125
"you can take our freedom,
unless you take our lives."
322
00:14:28,662 --> 00:14:31,313
Say you approve
of Criss, Jack.
323
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,182
Am I in your head, Lemon?
324
00:14:33,216 --> 00:14:34,783
Yes, but don't be so proud.
325
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:36,485
I also have a lot
of imaginary arguments
326
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:37,920
with the couples
on house hunters.
327
00:14:37,954 --> 00:14:40,156
Why can't people
look past paint color?
328
00:14:40,190 --> 00:14:41,724
Lemon, obviously
I can't approve of someone
329
00:14:41,758 --> 00:14:43,025
I've never met.
330
00:14:43,060 --> 00:14:44,326
Yeah, well, I'm not
letting you meet Criss,
331
00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:45,828
because you
won't approve of him.
332
00:14:45,862 --> 00:14:47,797
Well, then I guess
this is a catch-22.
333
00:14:47,831 --> 00:14:49,815
Although I don't know for sure,
because I refuse to read
334
00:14:49,850 --> 00:14:51,817
literature that questions
the morality of war.
335
00:14:51,852 --> 00:14:54,403
Look, clearly
I hurt your feelings.
336
00:14:54,438 --> 00:14:56,856
You're upset that
I didn't tell you about Criss.
337
00:14:56,907 --> 00:14:59,158
No, no, no, I'm quite
over your subterfuge,
338
00:14:59,192 --> 00:15:02,361
although I do expect
a note of apology.
339
00:15:02,412 --> 00:15:04,947
And don't try to make it funny.
Just apologize.
340
00:15:04,981 --> 00:15:06,665
But I feel like
people expect comedy...
341
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:07,850
They don't.
342
00:15:07,884 --> 00:15:10,536
It's exhausting.
343
00:15:10,587 --> 00:15:11,954
However, you're right that I am
having an emotional reaction.
344
00:15:11,988 --> 00:15:14,056
It's very frustrating
to watch someone I care about
345
00:15:14,091 --> 00:15:17,026
do something she clearly
knows is bad for her,
346
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:19,495
like that week you wore
those blue contact lenses.
347
00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:22,965
I looked like Adriana Lima.
348
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:24,333
And you don't know
that Criss is bad for me,
349
00:15:24,351 --> 00:15:25,684
and you never will.
350
00:15:25,719 --> 00:15:27,670
So you better get
on board the Criss train.
351
00:15:27,704 --> 00:15:30,890
Criss-a, Criss,
Criss, Criss-a,
352
00:15:30,941 --> 00:15:33,275
Criss-a, Criss-a,
Criss-a, Criss-a,
353
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:35,177
Criss-a, Criss-a,
Criss-a, Criss-a,
354
00:15:35,212 --> 00:15:39,048
Criss train!
355
00:15:39,082 --> 00:15:40,049
Do you have any water?
356
00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:41,984
You know what, Lemon?
357
00:15:42,018 --> 00:15:47,356
Fine. You are
technically an adult.
358
00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:52,161
You can do
whatever you want.
359
00:15:52,195 --> 00:15:54,964
Really? So I won?
360
00:15:54,998 --> 00:15:56,248
With the train thing?
361
00:15:56,299 --> 00:15:58,868
I won't ask any
questions about Criss again.
362
00:15:58,902 --> 00:16:01,420
You promise?
363
00:16:01,471 --> 00:16:05,107
Promise.
With two "s"s.
364
00:16:05,142 --> 00:16:08,561
I would, however, like
to ask you why Tracy is outside
365
00:16:08,595 --> 00:16:10,913
cursing this network
on a megaphone.
366
00:16:10,947 --> 00:16:12,348
It's a good one, Jack.
367
00:16:12,382 --> 00:16:16,018
Tracy has organized a protest
of NBC by his fellow idiots.
368
00:16:16,052 --> 00:16:18,888
He what? No, no, no, no, no.
We need idiots.
369
00:16:18,922 --> 00:16:21,907
You certainly need idiots.
370
00:16:21,942 --> 00:16:23,442
Who do you think
is watching your show?
371
00:16:23,493 --> 00:16:26,195
Funky taste-makers?
372
00:16:26,229 --> 00:16:27,463
Black nerds,
373
00:16:27,497 --> 00:16:30,666
jet blue passengers
who fall asleep with the TV on,
374
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:33,068
pets whose owners have died,
and, uh, idiots.
375
00:16:33,086 --> 00:16:34,436
You need to fix this.
376
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:37,089
I don't know
what to say to those people.
377
00:16:37,123 --> 00:16:39,708
You wrote "remember
to DVR Kendra" on your hand.
378
00:16:39,743 --> 00:16:41,977
I think you can handle it.
379
00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:44,430
Ah, no, damn it.
380
00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:46,649
Now I gotta
pray for a marathon.
381
00:16:53,924 --> 00:16:59,061
Jiminy Cricket, copyright
Walt Disney company, 1940!
382
00:16:59,095 --> 00:17:03,782
Mr. Hornberger? Sir?
383
00:17:05,735 --> 00:17:07,002
Pete!
384
00:17:07,037 --> 00:17:10,789
It's Jenna!
The woman you're in love with!
385
00:17:10,824 --> 00:17:12,107
What's wrong with him?
386
00:17:12,125 --> 00:17:14,493
Is this because
of the Mercury?
387
00:17:14,544 --> 00:17:18,297
What does the box say?
388
00:17:18,331 --> 00:17:20,282
"For a complete catalog
of our lighting products,
389
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:24,920
visit our website."
We need a computer.
390
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:26,088
Poor Mr. Hornberger.
391
00:17:26,122 --> 00:17:27,990
He came in here to do
something for the show,
392
00:17:28,024 --> 00:17:29,791
something important,
and now look what we've done.
393
00:17:29,809 --> 00:17:32,862
What you've done.
You broke the lights.
394
00:17:32,896 --> 00:17:36,482
We have to get help.
395
00:17:40,570 --> 00:17:42,488
Are you out of your mind?
396
00:17:42,522 --> 00:17:45,040
We need to call security,
and an ambulance.
397
00:17:45,075 --> 00:17:46,375
Think, you fool.
398
00:17:46,409 --> 00:17:48,711
Imagine what the Internet
would do with this.
399
00:17:48,745 --> 00:17:51,413
"Maroney found in closet with
unconscious married man
400
00:17:51,448 --> 00:17:53,382
and inbred virgin."
401
00:17:53,416 --> 00:17:57,286
Again? No way.
I have too much to lose now.
402
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,504
I am this close to becoming
403
00:17:58,538 --> 00:18:01,757
the spokeswoman for
the vaginal mesh industry.
404
00:18:01,791 --> 00:18:06,462
Vaginal mesh.
Nice try, prolapse.
405
00:18:06,496 --> 00:18:08,297
Now, if you want to take the
fall for this, be my guest.
406
00:18:08,331 --> 00:18:10,215
But I can't be
connected to it in any way.
407
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,634
Take what fall?
408
00:18:11,668 --> 00:18:13,052
Oh, please.
409
00:18:13,103 --> 00:18:14,837
You said it yourself
how many rules we've broken.
410
00:18:14,871 --> 00:18:17,723
"B" and "E", theft and
destruction of company property.
411
00:18:17,774 --> 00:18:20,042
And who knows
what we've done to Pete.
412
00:18:20,076 --> 00:18:22,011
If anyone
connects you to this...
413
00:18:22,045 --> 00:18:24,079
I'll get fired.
414
00:18:24,114 --> 00:18:25,547
They'd kick me out of
the page program faster than
415
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:28,651
a fella can come up
with folksy similes.
416
00:18:34,124 --> 00:18:36,659
No one can know
this was our fault.
417
00:18:36,693 --> 00:18:38,911
But we have to help
Mr. Hornberger.
418
00:18:38,962 --> 00:18:39,912
What do we do?
419
00:18:39,963 --> 00:18:40,996
I don't know.
420
00:18:41,031 --> 00:18:44,866
But I know someone who does.
421
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:47,903
Talk to me.
422
00:18:47,938 --> 00:18:49,705
I'm on my way.
423
00:18:49,739 --> 00:18:51,540
Any idea what bus
I take to get there?
424
00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:54,777
'Cause I'm in Chinatown,
baby.
425
00:18:54,811 --> 00:18:56,545
Hi, this is
Tracy's cell phone.
426
00:18:56,579 --> 00:18:57,846
Dot com,
hold the steering wheel.
427
00:18:57,881 --> 00:19:00,015
I've got to leave
my outgoing message.
428
00:19:00,049 --> 00:19:01,784
What did I just hit?
429
00:19:01,818 --> 00:19:04,053
Was that a person?
Is that paint or blood?
430
00:19:04,087 --> 00:19:06,055
Dot com,
this did not happen.
431
00:19:06,089 --> 00:19:09,191
We take this to our graves!
432
00:19:09,225 --> 00:19:12,578
Tracy, uh, this is Liz.
Please call my office.
433
00:19:12,612 --> 00:19:14,613
My extension,
as you have pointed out,
434
00:19:14,664 --> 00:19:16,398
spells "anus" with an "I".
435
00:19:19,703 --> 00:19:22,004
- Hey, what's up?
- What time you coming home?
436
00:19:22,038 --> 00:19:26,942
Because I'm...
taking you out to dinner
437
00:19:26,977 --> 00:19:28,377
What?
438
00:19:28,411 --> 00:19:31,113
I called sunglass hut and got
my credit limit raised to $80,
439
00:19:31,147 --> 00:19:33,482
plus, they told me I only needed
5,000 more shades points
440
00:19:33,516 --> 00:19:34,850
to get free lens wipes,
441
00:19:34,884 --> 00:19:36,318
and I haven't even gotten
to the good news yet.
442
00:19:36,353 --> 00:19:38,287
That's all awesome.
What happened?
443
00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:39,722
I got an investor
for the truck.
444
00:19:39,756 --> 00:19:42,474
I went over my whole business
plan, guy gave me ten grand.
445
00:19:42,525 --> 00:19:43,642
Oh, my God.
446
00:19:43,693 --> 00:19:45,160
Okay,
if you got it in cash,
447
00:19:45,195 --> 00:19:46,428
we can spread the money out
on the bed
448
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:47,529
and kiss on top of it.
449
00:19:47,564 --> 00:19:49,281
But nothing more.
And I have a cold sore.
450
00:19:49,315 --> 00:19:51,567
Damn it.
No, it's a check.
451
00:19:51,601 --> 00:19:57,122
But look at it.
It's beautiful.
452
00:19:57,157 --> 00:20:02,644
It's him.
453
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:06,281
Not cool.
454
00:20:09,866 --> 00:20:12,445
Who's that man
behind the curtain
455
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:14,486
His kiss
will make you certain
456
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,278
of the one name
you'll be blurtin'
457
00:20:17,545 --> 00:20:20,052
during love-making
458
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:24,089
Kelsey, Kelsey
459
00:20:24,785 --> 00:20:27,154
one touch
and you're not caring
460
00:20:27,154 --> 00:20:29,311
how much you paid repairing
461
00:20:29,303 --> 00:20:32,394
that China hutch that you
kicked down the stairs
462
00:20:32,394 --> 00:20:34,545
during love-making
463
00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:38,249
thanks to Kelsey,
his name is Kelsey
464
00:20:38,284 --> 00:20:41,219
his friends
call him Kelsey
465
00:20:41,253 --> 00:20:47,225
or sometimes just "Kels"
466
00:20:57,569 --> 00:21:01,673
his name is Kelsey,
he's very wealthy
467
00:21:01,707 --> 00:21:05,844
he doesn't have
to be doing this
468
00:21:05,878 --> 00:21:11,199
Kelsey
469
00:21:11,227 --> 00:21:14,727
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther